Shame and hopelessness activated from opening up

[Sienna]

I feel at a loss, and I'm at a loss about weather to write this, but I'm just doing it anyway.

Feeling shame, like i let myself down, because i opened up to someone in the outside world about what i am feeling and struggling with.
I feel stuck, because after my relationship break up, i realize that its not all my fault that it didn't work,
and its not my fault that i am counter dependent and relationship avoidant (closed off to intimacy- push others way to avoid being hurt)-
but the very fact that i am that way, did not help the relationship.
It wouldnt even help a healthy relationship.

So i thought, that maybe i should try to open up.
There have been a few, who have shown honest caring about how i am doing, considering they know the circumstances i am in, said all the right things and i have never had that before.
Something in me was telling me to just try, as this dude was very convincing, encouraging me to talk...saying that he can only help me if i will trust him..but that he won't force me..
and i felt i had no choice but to try, as my fear of being overwhelmed and alone is present.
The logical - wanting to heal part of my brain was telling me to just  try to trust in others.

So tonight, i was desperate and scared, so i opened up.
This guy seemed really sure he was ready and he told me that i wasn't freaking him out and that it wasn't too much.
I was upset at a present situation to do with the break up, which of course triggered abandonment and all the usual fears which i am sure are from my past.
its all just so hard to explain.
I didn't tell him about the past, but briefly mentioned that it has something to do with my past.
I knew it was a risk opening up a bit...
but i feel that it fell on its arse.

Its such an awful feeling to feel that know one is here.
I am certain that i freaked him out- and if that isn't so, his quick exit saying, maybe see you wednesday...
and not saying that much about what i had said, nothing comforting...made me feel uncomfortable.

Now I'm thinking that i overwhelmed him, even though he kept saying that i wasn't....
He seemed like a good person...he doesn't have to be like a therapist, just something of help to say...it was just too much for him.
maybe he wasn't the person, i was sure that even though consciously awe, i must still subconsciously attract people - anyone- who helps repeat the pattern and carries on my self perpetuating world view.

so now I'm thinking that, dealing on my own- even if in unhealthy ways, being very counter dependant and avoidant of others....is the way forward, i have no choice.
so maybe ill be stuck in this forever.
only it backfired in my past relationships.

At least i *dipped my toe* into the pool of *opening up and trying to be honest*...
and not drowned in it like i had with the narcissist lady.
So now i don't know what to do. Its just really gutting, and I'm at a loss.

I feel shameful for wanting help so badly. For needing others, even if i don't come across as especially needy. I think that everyone here will get sick of me and i feel that there is just nothing anyone an say that will make me believe them.
I can't believe what i have done, so back into my shell i go. I feel so hopeless.

[mourningdove]

I think that if this had happened to me, then I would feel exactly the same way that you do now. So I totally understand why you feel shameful. But you didn't do anything shameful. In fact, I think you deserve a lot of credit for opening up to someone when it was so hard.

His reaction says nothing about you and everything about him. He shouldn't have been prodding you to reveal anything to him if he wasn't prepared to be supportive, and the way that he left things with you was very insensitive of him. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I completely understand why it is so painful.

[Sienna]

Thank you so much MouningDove,
I can't even tell you how much it means to hear your opinion on what happened.
Thank you so much for understanding ,and I'm sorry if you have any experience with this.

I want to feel a little bit proud of what i did. I just feel like a little child and I'm very ashamed and unsure.
Its hard for me to judge weather it is just me feeling this way about what he didn't do...and abut what he said. I knew after looking up his birth chart (my own secretive investigation skills), the he might be quite logical, but i thought that as he was so nice, maybe he meant it.

Going to see T later today. She is my last hope. I hope you are ok MourningDove.

[Kizzie]

Like Mourningdove I too would probably have felt the same,  in fact many of us would I'm quite certain.  Shame and mistrust are just so much a part of CPTSD unfortunately.  And it really does say everything about him and nothing about you that he did not respond in a sensitive manner. 

I also think you should feel proud of taking a risk, even if it didn't quite work out.    and   

[Sienna]

Oh My Gosh Kizzie..That is what my T said today!!!!
Thank you so much for that.
Im so sorry that you struggle with this too. It is hard. 

Shame and mistrust- ts written in the CPTSD symptoms, and i do forget the it is the CPTSD, - as well as the other person, and unfortunately we can also attract the wrong people, that mirror our parents / caregivers- another result of CPTSD, so what i mean, is its a symptom, but is a natural response? to unavailable or hurtful people here in the present- its both.
Sorry- I'm just writing what i have learnt.

T said to me that he probably didn't know what to say, ...and that men (not to generalize and she didn't want to either), are not too emotional and some prefer to just listen to offer support, even if they don't validate or say *anything*.
I said to her that he can't be a parent to me- of course, but that i need a friend who isn't *so emotionally unavailable* weather they mean to hurt me or not...because that isn't good *for me*, and she totally agreed.

Thank you so much for saying that you think i should feel proud of taking a risk, even though it didn't work out, - it is difficult for me to say to myself, which I'm sure you understand.
I want that to change, for me and for that little girl inside of me who is hurting, and you are, and this forum, helping a lot to get there.

[Kizzie]

I'm optimistic  that as we recover we begin to attract people with whom we are able to have a healthier, reciprocal relationship.    Look at all the people here you talk with for example.  And it does seem like it is beginning is carry over IRL for you. 

I think it's perfectly reasonable and human to long for a friend who is emotionally available to you and that you can be open with in return. And if we don't take some small risks along the way we wouldn't ever find that for ourselves so honestly, good for you for trying, that takes courage and I hope that little girl inside hears that!     

[Sienna]

Hey Kizie,

You are very right- and that makes me feel so hopeful!
We are by talking on here, attracting *like* others, others who are working to become healthier.
I do hope it is carrying over in real life for me, and i really hope that for you too.

I think it's perfectly reasonable and human to long for a friend who is emotionally available to you and that you can be open with in return.
Thank you, and I'm glad you think this too.
(I would understand others reactions  if i bombarded others with info etc. and only went on about me, but i have never done any of those things because i was taught not to and to only rely on myself.)
but to change means trying to be open...

The little part inside of me feels weak, and so do I, for reaching out, as she and I wonder if it is really strong to reach out when you reach out in fear of not for the alternative feels more dangerous.
But perhaps it is because i pushed through the fear of *opening up* which i still had, despite feeling desperate at the time for someone to be there.

Thank you for helping to reassure her, and me too.