Chronic Dissociation

[Alice97]

I haven't been diagnosed with cPTSD, but I think I could be. My dad is (I think) a narcissist and there has been a cycle of emotional abuse in our home that has gotten worse over the years. I'm a 19 year old girl, and I still live at home. I'm working towards getting a full time job, and am currently studying through an online college. Eventually I want to move out, but that isn't an option right now.

One thing I've been struggling a lot with lately is dissociation. I'm wondering if my experience is normal and if there are any tips you can give me to help me cope (aside from getting out of my current environment).

I remember staring at myself in the mirror when I was younger, and not feeling like I recognized myself. Obviously I knew the reflection was me but it just felt like there was a disconnect. I also remember pervasive feelings of being unreal or in a dream state. I also would frequently stare at my hands or my surroundings just trying to feel real. I feel kind of embarrassed saying that because it sounds really strange, but thanks to the internet I now know that what I've been experiencing is probably a form of dissociation. I've experienced all the above symptoms with varying degrees of severity for as long as I can remember, and it continues even now. Being in a dissociative state feels more normal to me than not. The only times I start to "come out of it" is when I feel safe and comfortable with certain people (which is extremely rare). But the moment I start to feel real and safe, I feel like a ton of negative emotions overwhelm me and I think I'm going to have an emotional breakdown, and then end up dissociating again so I don't.

I don't feel like the emotional abuse has been traumatic enough to warrant the amount of depression and dissociation I've been dealing with, but maybe I just haven't allowed myself to see it as being that bad. I don't know. I just need help.

So my questions are, has anyone experienced so much dissociation that it feels more normal than not? And does anyone have any tips for when I'm in the dissociative state to cope with it? Sometimes it's really scary. I prefer being sad over being numb, because at least then I'm feeling and I know what I'm dealing with.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Alice97    and welcome to Out of the Storm! 

I'm glad you found us, and the section that deals specifically with dissociation.
I hope and wish this section will be of aid to you.

So my questions are, has anyone experienced so much dissociation that it feels more normal than not? And does anyone have any tips for when I'm in the dissociative state to cope with it? Sometimes it's really scary. I prefer being sad over being numb, because at least then I'm feeling and I know what I'm dealing with.

I'm only recently am coming to terms I might even be dissociating, so I can't give you any solid advise. I, with a couple of other members, are currently working through a book called "Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation" in the "Book Club", here. Perhaps you may find some useful information and/or shared experiences there as well.

Feel free to add on chapters we have worked through already. Jump in any time, if you want and feel up to it.

Welcome again. Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure this a safe environment for you and it will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.


Dutch Uncle.

[Alice97]

Hiya Alice97, 

Firstly, welcome to OOTS and secondly, thank you for posting your experience.  I'm also undiagnosed and trying hard to understand CPTSD. 

I'm really struggling with understanding the symptom, 'Dissociation', your post gave me some insight as to what I would be experiencing if I suffered with dissociation.  It also got Dutch Uncle to post a link to the 'Book Club' which might be useful to me too.   

Again, welcome and thank you 

Thank you, I'm so glad my post helped you! 

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Alice    Were you able to have a look at the forum on dissociating at all?  There are some techniques in the chapters posted there for grounding yourself, bringing yourself back into the present as well as some discussion by some members about how they are working on their dissociation.    You may also want to look at depersonalization and derealization - the clinical terms for not feeling real and/or connected, they are ways of protecting ourselves from difficult feelings when you can't escape physically.  You can "go away" in spirit - makes sense that's how we survive trauma/abuse when you think about it.  At some point in recovery though feeling becomes preferable to numbness and then we need to learn how to bring ourselves back or better yet, to stay present.

I grew up in a home with covert narcissists and it took me a very long time to understand and accept just how traumatic that was and that as a result I developed CPTSD.  Emotional abuse is not as visible/concrete as physical and/or sexual abuse and that makes it harder to see... but we feel it, we know on a cellular level that we are not safe, loved and respected. In coming here perhaps you are ready to consider that what has happened (and is still happening) to you does warrant the way you are feeling?

Many    for you Alice.

[Alice97]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Alice    Were you able to have a look at the forum on dissociating at all?  There are some techniques in the chapters posted there for grounding yourself, bringing yourself back into the present as well as some discussion by some members about how they are working on their dissociation.    You may also want to look at depersonalization and derealization - the clinical terms for not feeling real and/or connected, they are ways of protecting ourselves from difficult feelings when you can't escape physically.  You can "go away" in spirit - makes sense that's how we survive trauma/abuse when you think about it.  At some point in recovery though feeling becomes preferable to numbness and then we need to learn how to bring ourselves back or better yet, to stay present.

I grew up in a home with covert narcissists and it took me a very long time to understand and accept just how traumatic that was and that as a result I developed CPTSD.  Emotional abuse is not as visible/concrete as physical and/or sexual abuse and that makes it harder to see... but we feel it, we know on a cellular level that we are not safe, loved and respected. In coming here perhaps you are ready to consider that what has happened (and is still happening) to you does warrant the way you are feeling?

Many    for you Alice.

I have looked into depersonalization and dearealization. I've experienced both, but I think what's happening most of the time now is depersonalization. I will look into the forum on dissociation. It is still hard for me to accept that what has happened warrants how I'm feeling, partly because I don't want to experience the full weight of how hurt and scared I actually am, and partly because my sister and mom have gone through the same thing and neither show symptoms of C-PTSD. So I feel weak for letting it get to me this much. Sometimes I go so far as to think my dad isn't abusive after all, but I quickly see him as abusive again when he gets angry or cold or negative. So I'm still working on accepting how I feel, not to mention figuring out exactly how I'm feeling, that has always been hard for me.

Thanks for your encouragement. 

[Kizzie]

How are you making out Alice?  I am glad to hear you are working on accepting how you feel, it's such a struggle when the abuse/neglect is more covert I know.  Besides this forum, you may want to have a look at our sister site Out of the FOG.  It really helped me to be able to identify the behaviours that resulted in my CPTSD - gaslighting is a big one for example, triangulation is another. 

Anyway, you may find it helpful to determine if what you've been up against is a personality disorder, and identify the behaviours, what they can cause in us and why.

[Alice97]

How are you making out Alice?  I am glad to hear you are working on accepting how you feel, it's such a struggle when the abuse/neglect is more covert I know.  Besides this forum, you may want to have a look at our sister site Out of the FOG.  It really helped me to be able to identify the behaviours that resulted in my CPTSD - gaslighting is a big one for example, triangulation is another. 

Anyway, you may find it helpful to determine if what you've been up against is a personality disorder, and identify the behaviours, what they can cause in us and why.

I'm really not doing well, my emotional flashbacks have really been ganging up on me the last couple of weeks. But I'm still alive, so I guess that's good. I have found the Out of the Fog site very helpful for trying to identify what exactly might be going on with my dad -thanks for sharing. And yes, it's been especially difficult for me since the abuse is covert. So much so that I second guess whether it is actually "abuse" half the time. Ugh. I wish all of this was simple to figure out 

[Kizzie]

    Alice, I remember how difficult it was trying to figure out if my FOO were abusive.  OOTF really helped with that and now it's so clear I can't believe I couldn't see it before.  Covert N's are particularly skilled at cloaking/masking their behaviour, gaslighting, etc so just take it slow and eventually the FOG will clear.