Repressed memories

[Kittylover]

Do you guys think their a thing? I'm starting to get blurry images suggesting sexual abuse from my father ,It feels real, I remember the feelings , I can even sort of feel the body sensations.....but I keep thinking it can't be real he wouldn't do that, I've had people with actual PhDs say repressed memories aren't a thing.....

[I like vanilla]

Unfortunately, I have been asking myself (and my T) the same questions. I have blurry images, and bits and pieces of 'memories', and a lot of body sensations. Recently, while working with my T I got 'pulled into' a terrifying EF-type episode of an event that seemed very real and as if it had happened (been done) to me when I was quite young, though I still have no clear memories in my mind - I remember what happened to me during the the EF-type episode but still no 'mind memories' from the actual time it happened (that I think it happened? That it most likely happened?).

I know that there are scientists who say it is not real, however I am starting to think that these scientists are wrong.

Some scientists also argue that repressed memories are real but nearly impossible to study in a clinical/experimental setting (where much of the refutations arise). For example, in his book 'The Body Keeps the Score' Bessel Van der Kolk makes a compelling argument that these memories likely are real. He argues that many who claim otherwise are looking at clinical studies. However, there are no clinical studies where children (or even adults) are severely traumatized in a way that feels life-threatening in order to see how their memories would respond; it would be completely unethical to conduct this type of experiment. Because the clinical studies are unable to replicate the situations that most likely cause repressed memories, they cannot be relied on as a true negation of the existence of repressed memories.

My T has stayed largely neutral. I think he is trying to give me the space to come to my own realizations and conclusions without 'unduly' influencing my perceptions and interpretations (though I think he thinks the 'body' memories are real). We have currently agreed that either way these images, sensations, etc. are a problem for me, whether real, symbolic, or something else and are working with that. As I type, I am realizing that I have realized that these non-mind 'memories', at least for me, probably are real. UGH!

[IFeelSoAlone]

Hi KittyLover

I can tell you now that even if those with degrees say that repressed memories are not a thing, they are wrong.  CSA was a huge role in my life, in fact for 14 1/2 years.  Up until recently I couldn't remember anything before the age of 10.  Over the last couple years I have started to remember things that were done to me little by little.  The things that I blocked out for so many years is coming back to me and it is SO painful.  My T says that even though I do not have multiple personalities, I stored all that abuse in a part of my mind and then locked it.  Now for some reason that key has been found and all the memories are slowly being released from the vault.  My T also says that the things that I remember NO ONE could ever make up something that horrible.  Your "memories" are more than likely real and it is going to take a lot of time to come to terms with it.  I hope that you find someone to help you through this and that you have a great support system.

[tired]

i think what they are saying is that memory isn't always accurate as far as facts go. i think the emotions are accurate. you remember feeling scared, and you remember a red car but maybe the red car is something that was planted in your head from a photograph or an anecdote.  for example when i was little i know i fell and got a scar. i think i used to have a memory of it but so many people have given their version of how i got it that i no longer remember what i actually remember and what was told to me. 

i remember being abused and i remember events that are pretty specific but i don't remember how many times it happened. i don't remember how old i was when it started.  i remember i was playing with a kitten when this person approached me and i remember a part of the conversation, but i don't remember which kitten or how old i was.  my sister says that she saw things when i was younger than 7 which was the earliest memory have myself.  but i don't recall anything.  i also think my memories of details feel inaccurate after going through therapy and talking about it. each time i tell the story i shift the details.  for example, a therapist might ask, how old were you? and i will guess and say maybe 9 or ten, then that becomes a fact in my head and the next time i tell it i say i was 9, but i don't feel certain. 

the emotions though, those are clear and certain and unchanging. you have to imagine how the memory is stored in the first place. if you're too young to put it into words you will remember it as a feeling;and at age 7 i didn't know what to call it. i tried to tell my mother but i didn't know what to say and what came out was something she didn't seem to understand.  if it happens when you're 14, you clearly know what it is and it's stored  in that language, and when i was 14 something happened that was obvious to me and i immediately told my dad exactly what happened. 

so sometimes the memory might not be repressed so much as difficult to retrieve and turn into words. i am sure this happens a lot when children are abused. they store it in the only way they know how and that would depend on their age and also maybe their understanding of what's happening. maybe some kids know more about sexual issues than others of the same age so they can remember it differently with more accurate language that can be relayed to adults later.

[1life68]

I do believe that their are such things as repressed memories.  Almost all of my memories before the age of 11 come in snap shots, I know I was sexually abused by my brothers 19yr old friend and his brother when I was around six but I'm not positive that was the first time I was ever sexually abused, the snapshots of memories I have of that event are pretty clear yet recently within the last year or so other memories, snapshots of me at a younger age being sexually abused have popped in my mind.  Often I'm not clear on who... there were several abusers at different times in my childhood I can't always put a face to my perpetrators.
Sometimes I can't remember the specifics.  For instance, an old man who lived up the road from us molested me, he groomed me by having me sit on his lap, and then he would run his hand up inside my shirt.  I remember clearly the feeling of being afraid to tell him to stop.  My foster sister was also abused by the same man, what she remembers is that he would take us in his room and fondle us and make us fondle him.  She has memories that I've obviously locked away.  I look at it in this way.... if my memories of my childhood weren't repressed, then I would actually have more memories, the reason I don't have more memories is because they have been locked away.  The sucky thing is, the memories that I do have are memories of abuse... no happy ones. 

[tired]

Since I stopped talking to mom I am remembering things.

Sometimes I remember then forget again then remember again.  Maybe I need to remember to validate myself after choosing no contact. Helps with the guilt. Then once I feel justified the memories go back in the vault.

[Sesame]

I cannot say for certain, but I will share that I believe I have them, too. I do remember certain things that happened that made me increasingly uncomfortable, but also have the distinct feeling something more happened and I do not remember exactly what. All I know is, the next time I saw the person I believe to be responsible, I had a panic attack and suffered horrific nightmares after whatever happened. I was told by other childhood sexual abuse survivors that it sounds similar to their experiences and was urged NOT to find out what the repressed memory was; my mind repressed it for a reason.

Artemis23 is right. I work in a place full of people with Ph.D's and an education does not necessarily make you right all the time. I also know a fully qualified psychologist who says bisexuality is not a valid sexual orientation and is always `just a phase'. Education does not erase ignorance and bias.