New here... one month into total terror/shock... when will it ease?

[lainiebee]

Hello everyone,

I just joined because I recently came to terms with the fact that I suffer from C-PTSD. I just finished Pete Walker's book - so helpful. But I'm about 1 month in from a sort of "re-traumatizing" experience... (someone breaking up with me... which was traumatic because I finally trusted someone after a lifetime of not being able to be in romantic relationship)... which put me into non-stop panic/shock/horror/nightmare (flashback) I can't wake up from. At first I called them "panic attacks" but from what I know those last only a few minutes and mine can go on for hours and days (and in this case the sheer terror/panic has only let up for hours at a time in the past month). Finally a good friend explained how these could be flashbacks and I realized C-PTSD explains everything.

While it's so good to know what's going on... such a relief... I'm not just "crazy" in a way I have to hide anymore... I am so frustrated and scared that this terror won't stop. It feels like descending into madness. I know I'm going to be in "recovery" for... the rest of my life probably, but I don't even know how to start or how I'm going to live and function when the panic doesn't ever end. I have new therapist who does EMDR so I'm hoping that might help. But I've had to quit my job because of the panic and while I'm trying to tell myself this is a gradual process and I have to be gentle with myself... it's so hard. It's so scary. In the midst of the panics I just can't believe there's not a solution or cure... or just a medication to ease the utter terror and pain. If anyone was in this much physical pain they'd be rushed to the hospital and get so much attention and care and empathy and support... but I can live in a screaming agony for a month... and no one understands. There's nothing to be done it seems and that's agony.

I try to look at the 13 steps when I'm in the worst flashbacks but it doesn't seem to help much. Talking to friends can help at times, especially if it triggers crying... but after a month... patience wears thin and they have their own lives... I can't have someone talk to me or be with me 24/7. And they don't know what to do or say to help and I don't want to make them so sick of me that they'll cut off. And now that I can't work or leave the house... I'm so scared the isolation is going to make me worse and I'll totally lose my mind. Sometimes in the worst of it I wish I COULD check into a psych ward or something. But when I "snap out" of the flashback a little I can kind of be my normal self and get along. It's like being 2 totally different people! But the flashback always comes back... especially as soon as I drift off to sleep. That's one of the most frustrating parts! Even when I get to the point of feeling good at night... I guess my dreams trigger me into total panic and I awake in complete flashback mode. Which is worse than the dreams... so I try to go back to sleep and it's this awful cycle of sleeping and waking horror that I can't get out of for hours. It's an agonized existence.

I don't know if I'm doing this posting thing right, I've never done this sort of thing before. Just looking for some empathy I guess and maybe any suggestions or reassurance that... this awful acute phase of panic will end? I feel like if I could just get out of being 90% in flashback I could... slowly take steps to get better. It's so hard to be stuck in this place.

[mourningdove]

Hi lainiebee! 

Sorry that you are having such an awful time. It does sound to me like these could be emotional flashbacks. It's not unheard of for some people with C-PTSD to have periods when they are in an EF more often than not. That's certainly been true for me at times.

Also sorry that you are experiencing the pain that goes along with invisible disability, and the lack of recognition and support that often goes along with that. It's a very difficult thing to deal with, I know.

Welcome. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi lainiebee  and welcome to out of the Storm.

I don't know if I'm doing this posting thing right, I've never done this sort of thing before. Just looking for some empathy I guess and maybe any suggestions or reassurance that... this awful acute phase of panic will end? I feel like if I could just get out of being 90% in flashback I could... slowly take steps to get better. It's so hard to be stuck in this place.

You are doing fine with your posting. 
You described very well experiences I can relate too. I hope and wish this site and community will be of comfort through your journey with cPTSD. It does take baby steps to move forward in recovery, but it slowly does get better. 

Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure this a safe environment for you and it will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.

Welcome again,

Dutch Uncle

[AnnaE]

Hey -- I just found the site tonight and your post struck me because I recognize quite a bit of what you're talking about.

in this case the sheer terror/panic has only let up for hours at a time in the past month

Same here. I've done a LOT of breathing exercises in addition to medication while waiting to get in with a therapist. (Still waiting. And it's been a month.)

If anyone was in this much physical pain they'd be rushed to the hospital and get so much attention and care and empathy and support... but I can live in a screaming agony for a month... and no one understands. There's nothing to be done it seems and that's agony.

You know, I was writing something similar in my journal today. About how when people have a headache, there's OTC medication and people empathize and send you home from work and share their old wives' tale cures... but what if it's your soul that hurts?

I know that feeling of loneliness and hopelessness when you're feeling "crazy" and nobody understands... but you know, you're not alone. And it's not hopeless. Even on the days when it feels like it is. I talk to myself a lot (because at least I don't judge me) and one of the things I've been saying a lot lately is "remember that right now, you're seeing reality in a very creepy funhouse mirror. This is not what reality looks like; this is not what reality looked like a month ago to you; and you will get to a point again when reality doesn't look this freaky and scary."

Because I think I need to hear that. As a friend of mine likes to say -- don't believe everything you think.

Gentle hugs, if you need and want them.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome lainiebee     Really sorry to hear you're having such intense and lasting EFs right now, they are so frightening as many of us know 

Mine got quite bad about two-1/2 years ago and I got into drinking quite heavily to numb myself, sleep, etc.  I finally told my doctor all that was going on and she referred me to a psychiatrist and an addictions counselor and between therapy, medication, my H,  and posting at our sister site Out of the Fog I came out of it.  Over time the EFs have diminished in intensity and length.

You might want to consider reaching out for some professional help for this bad patch.  In addition to treatment there may be the possibility of disability while you are recovering. 

Many GP's know about PTSD but not CPTSD so you may have to point him/her toward some information about it.  There's a good site here - http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/cptsd-understanding-treatment.html, clinical articles about CPTSD here http://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-description/ and about symptoms here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms/.

It does help to post too or it did for me anyway.   

[Danaus plexippus]

I experienced debilitating EF for 10 years after my husband died. Meds were the only thing that made a dent in it. I'm still wearing his shirts although they are missing a button here and there and starting to fray a bit about the cuffs. 

[lainiebee]

Thanks, everyone for your responses! I'm so touched. I thought there might be a way to respond to comments individually, but maybe not? So much of what has been said resonates with me... especially the point about how we can't believe everything we think... especially when in "flashback." It IS like seeing things through a creepy funhouse mirror! So weird and scary.

I have a therapist who's somewhat helpful though I'm struggling to find a doctor who is willing/able to prescribe medications that could help short-term, which is frustrating. Not that I think meds are a long-term solution... but I just wish I could get back to being semi-functional (as in able to get out of bed or leave the house!). My nightmares and night terrors are slowly getting better though, so I'm hopeful! Glad to have found a place where other people understand what this is like - it's a relief to be understood... and not blamed for being the way I am.