About me, usure about the future( trigger possibility)

[KaterinaDrake]

I've  been in recovery for so long at this point, I don't  know if it'll  ever be over. I was molested by 7 different people before I turned 15, that I know of. There is a possibility of an 8th, but the choppy memories I have from that experience isn't  enough to be certain. I was 2. Here's  what I DO know. My mother was also a victim of childhood sexual abuse. She is only now getting help. She is very codependent ,  and was more focused on pleasing terrible men than the safety of her children. My father is a severe alcoholic with all the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. I love my family, but I'm  torn between hating them for not protecting me and hurting me, and hating myself because it's  unnatural to hate your parents. My mothef married my stepfather when I was 3. He was a psycopath with OCD. He would throw violent tantrums over messes that quite frankly, I could not see. He wasn't  abusive to me so much as my older brother. I remember hiding in a corner listening to him hitting my brother, feeling completely powerless and helpless. My mom was like a zombie, she obediently did whatever she was told and had no clue what was going on, only wanting to save her marriage and kerp "God" happy. I was 5 when I was almost raped by 2 neighbor boys in our van in the church parking lot. They had me pinned in a corner, and were unbuttoning my dress when my brother pounded on the window and scared them, making it possible for me to run away. The boys had a stern "talking to". Shortly afterward, a neighbor girl wanted to play house in the woods by the park. She had me pinned down, pretending she was the boyfriend. We moved out of state shortly after that. As we got older, the meaner my stepdad got to my brother, and the weaker my mother seemed to get. Eventually, my brother turned to me to relieve his own feelings of helplessness. He was the 4th. He would also get abusive in other ways, putting me in chokeholds etc. to prove he was stronger and I was defenseless. If I fought back, he would make me out to be the agressor and I would be punished. I had already learned that speaking out is wrong, and the best I could do is cry and accept my fate. My other family is also very strict, and I learned early on that well behaved children are those who sit in the corner being invisible. Otherwise, you risk saying or doing something wrong. This mentality has stuck with me. Mom left my stepdad when I was 11, after we told my dad we were afraid for our lives, and finally he stepped in. I started looking to boys for affection that I'd  been denied. A boyfriend was the 5th. My mom got pregnant with my little brother when I was 13, and started dating a family friend. He turned out to be a serial pedophile, who likes dating single mothers with teenaged daughters. He gave me the creeps, but I felt guilty for judging him too quickly and went out of my way to give him a chance. He molested me repeatedly for amost a year. I went to my friend's  dad's  with her for the summer during that time. He took advantage of me, being a vulnerable teenager looking for a way out of my situation. I thought that if he liked me enough, I wouldn't  have to ever go home. Until my mom had a stroke, and my summer was cut short. I was devastated ,  having lost my escape, not knowing how my mom would recover, and being faced with the possibility of taking care of my brother with the creep my mom was dating. He jumped on my weakness, got me drunk and I believe from the symptoms, drugged me with xanax. I only remember gaining conciousness with him naked and on top of me. I didn't  say a word to anyone, because I felt like a fool, and didn't  want to make my mother's  health worse because her stroke was stress related. She found out on her own months later when she found the empty box for the beer, and she could think of only one reason a man 20 years sober in AA would give a teenaged girl beer. By the time the police were contacted, we were told there was not enough evidence to prosecute. He was the last man to ever make me a victim. However, because of the years of stress and trauma, I was barely able to graduate high school. I got pregnant at 16, and it was only for my daughter that I even wanted to try. People scare me. I worked for a year at a nursing home, but because of a badly ended relationship I fell apart. He didn't  break up with me, he disappeared without a word, bringing out all my fears of abandonment. I couldn't  think straight, and started to dissociate anything that xaused any stress. The more frustrated my coworkers got with me, the worse I could function, until I got fired. I went to school after that for Medical Assisting, because I want to help people. I found that it's  not creative enough for me, or independent  enough. I dropped out and worked at a bar restaurant for a while, because my boyfriend's  parents owned it and he wanted to help me. I ended up marrying him, only to find out that he is also an alcoholic just like my dad. I went to school for an associate degree in business and graduated with a 3.57 GPA. I do well in structured environments. But at the same time, finances and outside problems caused me, my husband, our new baby, and my oldest daughter to move in with my dad. He is still emotionally abusive to me, and reminds me how stupid I am and what a failure I am every chance he gets. That brought everything I've  worked so hard to overcome back to the surface. While I was working at the bar, my mom was babysitting, and my baby brother, whom I've  helped to raise, molested my daughter. I also had a miscarriage. So today, I am a complete, depressed wreck, living with my mom and aunt because I can't  live alone and can't  support myself. I'm  terrified of working outside the home and leaving my little girls unprotected. I have a failed marfiage, a worthless degree because nobody wants to take an associste degree with no experience. Medication seems to either make me sleep constantly, doesn't  work at all, or makes me into a zombie. I don't  know what my future holds. I feel completely helpless, and can't  see a light at the end of the tunnel. Has anyone been able to deal with it all and manage to build a normsl life?

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Katerina - so sorry to hear about all that you've endured and are still going through, but glad you found your way here. 

I feel apart about 2-1/2 years ago when a lot of stress piled up and triggered past trauma and I just couldn't handle it anymore.  I wasn't someone to reach out for help but I realized I had to as I could not keep my head above water. I went to my physician who referred me to a psychiatrist and an addictions counselor and that really helped to get my feet back under me. 

Do you have any support from a professional or can you arrange for some?  It's so difficult to deal with past trauma and present day stress like unemployment, parenting, etc.,  when we are overwhelmed!  A caring, guiding hand or two, putting you in touch with appropriate services and treatment can make all the difference.   

Coming here and talking about what you're going through can also be helpful so I hope you will keep posting.   

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Katerina drake
Thank you for sharing ...
Quote 'has anyone been able to deal with it all and manage to build a normal life?'

'I feel completely helpless and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel '

It's a long journey for us isn't it ....reaching rock bottoms has been part of my recovery too ...
Your writing has recovery in it - insight and awareness - these things I've found important ...
We grow even when it doesn't feel like it and it feels hopeless ..
I just want to ask 'are you in a safe environment now ? .. I don't know which country you are in but here in the uk we have women's refuges where women are supported with their children to be in a safe environment and helped to move on ...
Abuse can be so toxic and runs through generations but we know we are changing that history in the present ...sometimes it feels stationary BUT it is always moving if we put the next right action in ..
Being here on this site for me is putting in one of those right actions .. The recovery and strength I have heard and shared is wonderful. Lots of resources and help --
I agree to getting support I use 12 step groups .
There  is help out there for all of the different types of abuse.
I was given a child trauma therapist and we did some work together - however it was only for 12 wks ..
I did feel good though and came off anti dep but after some time crashed massively ( worst in yrs). I am now back on it and yes I can relate to feeling zombie / sleepy - I really dislike it but have to accept that for now I need it ..
I'm not really sure what the answer is for me in the future but I want to recover more and live 'normally' whatever that is -- but I also need to accept what I went through was not normal and it has caused damage ( much damage )
But I have fought all this time and I won't give up -
I deserve to give myself the best chance and I know I've tried my best up to now --
In some ways I feel I'm going backwards - still renting a room - work less than full time as can't do it - need lots of rest and down time and struggle with relating --
And these things are because I have cptsd - but as we know it is not a stagnant condition -
I would recommend getting Peter walkers book 'from surviving to thriving' it is a good source of understanding for me

Wish you best wishes
Stay safe and know things will change and get better there is always light even when we feel there isn't ...