Homer J's Journal

[HomerJ]

I'm going to try and keep a journal about my recovery. I'm spiraling a bit at the moment and it feels like every day is hard, I've had 2 periods in the last year lasting a few months where I would say I'd have 6 good days for every bad one. It feels like the reverse at the minute and I am not finding much solace in the usual places.

I was going to go running this morning and flipped out when I couldn't find my running gear. It made me think that I need some help and I've booked an appointment with a therapist for a week on Monday. I contacted an old therapist a couple of weeks ago but she has closed her practice, my first therapist I had issues with not because of her but because I wasn't ready to deal with my issues I spoke a lot about relationship problems I was having and not about the deeper trauma I have been through. I had some progress but I felt a sense of wanting her to like me so I would avoid telling her things when they got bad again plus it was 7/8 years ago so I didn't have the understanding I do now.

I really struggle with doing things for myself, so if reading the journal you want to 'nudge' me in the right direction I think that would be helpful. I don't know what it is but I feel like if someone tells me to do something I'll do it but if I have to figure it out myself often every choice I make I end up feeling bad about it.

TW

I think it might be because I used to have a frequent dream when I was younger where there were 2 versions of my abuser (my father) I knew one of them was good and one of them was bad, as I kept having the dream I would desperately try to follow the good one around but whatever happened it didn't work and I would wake up after getting what felt like an electric shock. There were no good choices then, I'm not sure how that translates now but i think it probably does in some way.

[Armadillo]

Hi HomerJ,

It sounds wise to seek out a T again especially since it sounds like you might be ready to feel better. That's really such a beautiful thing!

It's also really beautiful and heartbreaking how you wrote about your childhood dreams of trying ro follow the good father around but no matter what you did, it didn't work. There were no good choices. That was so true then. There weren't. You were stuck. I was stuck too in a place with no good choices. Now the trick is getting help from a T and support from my loved ones to see I do have choices now. Feeling trapped in a box with no good way out is when I feel me worst. It's when my symptoms are their worst too.

I love that you are feeling ready to dive in and get some help. Since you asked for some nudges: you should do that! You deserve to feel better and you can feel better.

[HomerJ]

Thank you for your kind words!

I told a friend that I was going to see a T too and he was supportive.

[HomerJ]

I've had an okay day today. Sometimes I need to stop trying to fix everything and just allow myself to be who I am without trying to solve trauma or solve any difficulty I might be having, things may not have changed but at least I don't feel so much pressure and hopeless .

I read about 'cruel optimism'  which is - A relation of cruel optimism exists when something you desire is actually an obstacle to your flourishing.  It's more written about everyday culture like getting ahead at work by doing the 'right' things, it promotes individualism . I think it can apply to trauma too, there is no magic solution, I've done a lot of work already - how much more do i need to do in order to heal and feel able to exist? I think some part of my healing is accepting that there is a possibility that I have to live with this forever. Depending on where you are that might feel pretty hopeless but it actually gives me hope because then I'm not trying so hard and the world feels a little bit lighter. Society in general loves recovery stories and they're great but I think there has to be another option. A lot of people may never recover and whilst 5-10% might flourish in whatever way the 90% still have to get through the day the best they can.

[rainydiary]

Homer J - your post really resonates with me and I appreciate you offering up the term cruel optimism.  It is something I would like to explore more for myself. 

[HomerJ]

There is a book written by an academic discussing it more. I did buy it but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it because it's a difficult book to read and I spent most of my time reading it googling words that I didn't understand before eventually giving up in chapter 3! But I like the concept

[Armadillo]

This resonates a lot with me too, HomerJ. I really resist "being like this" and get very mad at myself and upset when I dissociate and feel ashamed and worried. That it more power over me and actually prolongs the suffering and symptoms. When I get to a point of accepting "ok this IS how I am" I usually make pretty fast progress.

[HomerJ]

I am always ruminating on stuff I could have done better or little imperfections it especially happens after social interaction. I went to a close friends barbeque at the weekend, we've been friends for a long time and I'm in love with her. There are occasions where she'll tell me how much I mean to her, she loves me (but not romantically), I feel like I am never in control of that attention, maybe because of the nature of the relationship but it always feels like it's on her terms? And it annoys me because I can't get attention unless it's given to me, and I won't ask for it because I know I probably won't get it and if I try and don't get that attention then I'll feel so bad about it it's not worth it. Then the next day I'll think 'what if she realised i was annoyed? she must hate me'. It works both ways because if she says that she loves me and I show her the same back I think 'Did I go too far, was I too much?'  Spoiler alert I am very rarely too much because I am so scared about the thought of being it.

It happens all of the time I'll just pick the worse thing I said and obsess over it, she probably doesn't even remember. If I can't think of anything bad I said then it'll be something I thought.

I had my first session with my new T yesterday, it was more information gathering. She suggested i try headspace, i feel like therapy is expensive and my issues are complex so I do think that suggesting headspace isn't great, I want expertise, I don't want somebody to say 'have you tried this app?' I'm not saying it's not useful but I just think therapy should be more than that. If things like that worked for me I wouldn't be in therapy.

[Libby183]

Hi Homer J.

We haven't met on the forum. I have returned recently as I'm having a bad time, so I saw your journal and wanted to say hello.

I could relate so much to your description of your ruminating, especially on social interactions. I have often pondered on exactly what you said about relationships. Namely that they always seem to be on the other person's terms, no matter how close the relationship might be. I wish I knew the answer.

I am seeing a new counsellor at the end of the week. Like you said, I will be very disappointed if she doesn't have more to offer than suggestions for apps. Given that the first session was mainly fact finding, do you think you will try a further session?

[HomerJ]

Hi Libby, nice to meet you. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Yeah me too,  I'd be happier if people left. I feel like when that happens my brain relaxes because it's subconsciously expecting it all the time. It's sad because I care a lot but close relationships often feel unmanageable, I'm lucky that my responses don't push people away that much.

I'm not sure, I will see how I feel about it in a couple of days. Good luck with your new counsellor, come back here and let me know how it goes if you want to

[Not Alone]

HomerJ,

I'm sorry that your first session with the new therapist was disappointing. If you decide that she isn't the right T for you, I hope you find someone else.

Sometimes I need to stop trying to fix everything and just allow myself to be who I am without trying to solve trauma or solve any difficulty I might be having, things may not have changed but at least I don't feel so much pressure and hopeless .

My therapist has said to me, "We don't have to solve it all today." Sometimes we need to just "be," and as much as possible put things on the back burner.

I think some part of my healing is accepting that there is a possibility that I have to live with this forever. Depending on where you are that might feel pretty hopeless but it actually gives me hope because then I'm not trying so hard and the world feels a little bit lighter. Society in general loves recovery stories and they're great but I think there has to be another option. A lot of people may never recover and whilst 5-10% might flourish in whatever way the 90% still have to get through the day the best they can.

I have come to the place where I believe that I will always be on the journey of dealing with my trauma. I don't expect the journey to always be so intense, but it is something I will always live with and that will always have an affect on me. For me that is the truth and truth brings some degree of peace.

[HomerJ]

I'm a bit pickier than I used to be, I think I was just happy to go with any T when I have been before and got lucky that I found good ones.

The peace is so sporadic at the moment, all of my unhealthy coping tools I have mainly got rid of so I'm just left with pain, I try to feel it and not run away but then I'm basically not doing anything all week. It's okay for now.