Mild abuse in college made CPTSD much worse after repeated abuse at home?

[reddasies]

So I have parents who both obviously have a personality disorder of some sort, with my father having an explosive temper despite never being physically violent and my mother being consistently emotionally abusive. I was also bullied in school for sexuality/gender issues, had a long string of abusive relationships, blah blah blah, that's not what I'm here to talk about, it's just background info.

Anyways, so I come to college and I end up making friends with a bunch of people in this social club, turns out their initiation process is literally just rote memorization and emotional abuse, and I leave. After I leave this person (my closest friend at the time) is mad about me leaving so she spreads some false info about me and I have no friends my freshman year of college,or really even acquaintances, I just kind of live in my room and have eating disorder/self harm/alcoholism issues. And did my school work. Got a decent grade at least.

So these people had to change their club initiation process because of a series of charges brought against them, and they ask me to come back (different people this time) claiming that the club has completely changed and long story short, it's just a watered-down version of the same thing. Except I decided not to leave, because they essentially ignored my resignation and for various reasons I decided to come back.

A new girl joined the club and was having the same problems I was having (minus the false accusations) and they had no problem treating her the same, even though she was suicidal and the club was very clearly bad for her.

After knowing she was going through the same thing I had been going through, I couldn't sleep anymore. I started having flashbacks and my nightmares became even more frequent. I failed one of my classes and my education could be ruined forever.

Is my reaction in any way rational?

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi reddasies    and welcome to Out of the Storm.

Well, since charges where brought to this 'social club' I'd say yes, your reaction to the abusive initiation is rational and reasonable.
Good of you to have walked out the first time.    You probably saved yourself a lot more abuse if you had stayed.
As far as the flashbacks and nightmares: these are emotional reactions, but they are also to a large extend embedded in your mind/brain, so I'd argue they are 'rational' too.
It's certainly a normal reaction to abuse. Very uncomfortable and unsettling for sure.

I hope you'll be able to pick up your education again, and it will not be ruined forever.

[arpy1]

my feeling is that what you considered mild abuse might in fact have been severe, but becos of your background it seemed mild to you in comparison. it was serious enough that charges were brought, which means, well, serious, imo.  sounds to me like a bunch of bullies basically preying on people who were vulnerable and wanted to find friends.

so in fact you can be pretty sure that your reactions were completely rational and the sign of a healthy self protection kicking in. it is just really hard that at the same time it seems to have triggered you into an emotional flashback state, but again, completely reasonable that it has. and in my experience it takes a bit of time to wind down when i am in an EF state, and a lot of self care.

if it were me, and obviously you have to decide for yourself, but i would definitely leave that group. you might not be able to protect the other girl they have treated badly, but you can certainly protect yourself from any more damage. 

is there any kind of counselling service at your college? often you can get free help while you're a student, or at least discounts. might help to check that out. and do you have a personal tutor who you could go to about the academic side of things. the college where my daughter went were really good when she was struggling with issues that affected her work.  maybe they can help you regain a bit of the confidence that has taken such a blow lately?

just a few thoughts anyway. hope it helps a bit. even just to let you know someone is thinking of you and supporting you.