Remembering recovery milestones

[Chartery]

In my most recent relationship with a CPTSD/BPD girl something became clear to me - she could not quite grasp how things were getting better for her and that she was not nearly as depressed as she was in the past - over many periods of time.  What I didn't realize while observing this is that it would become fully applicable to my own recovery.   Thinking I was going to be the 'rock' of leading her out of depression and completely oblivious to my own depression provided for me a new learning.  For sure I was completely oblivious to my own trauma at the time (not that long ago) but it started to occur to me how she couldn't see how she was getting better, even though she was.  This observation ends up being quite important for me down the road as I figure out I have CPSTD and there is a little bit of work (A CRAP LOAD TON OF IT) that needs some paying attention to.  I found myself ever grateful for the observation that she couldn't see that she was progressing through a difficult issue/time because I have since applied it to myself on numerous occasions.  The importance of journaling/ writing anything is paramount here for me.  I think the experts on CPTSD and recovery/healing from trauma speak to this when they talk about two steps forward and one back or three forward and two back (which resonates more for me) but simply being aware of 'how bad it was' compared to 'how bad it is now' is an important concept to me.  In my research I haven't seen this concept articulated quite so well even though it is much discussed in a circumnavigatory (sorry - not a word) way.  Does anyone of have thoughts on this?

[woodsgnome]

The main thing with regard to your observation is perhaps how just being an open-ended observer can bear unexpected results. It's scary to be really open-minded about one's self, though, so perhaps it's easier for an outsider to see through the inner critic's interior mayhem. Partly out of habit, but also born of fear--fantasy expressed as reality; it's like we can't risk breaking free of our ingrained habits; especially those resulting from our original abuses/abusers.

Walker points out that freeze sorts do have a 'silver lining'--they can, unbeknownst to themselves, be quite mindful, although we tend to quiver and attribute it to mere 'hyper-vigilance'. Perhaps that irksome inner critic prevents our being truly mindful (and compassionate) towards oneself, while still allowing us to notice it more in others.

But the progress isn't 'out there', so to speak--becoming 'better' can act as kind of a vague goal but the flip side is that we already ARE capable of growth, right now, exactly where we are. But if we try too hard, the oddity is that our striving turns to strained resistance, and once again we become our own worst enemy. Plus it's all such miserable hard work that it's very easy to shuck it all and give up on ever making progress or bothering to try, ever again.

Maintaining 'mindfulness' is awkward, even painful, in a cptsd context, and it seems to take at least a tad of out-of-the-box thinking to access the self-referral part in noticing  progress. The step forward/steps back analogy rides high, and it can further obscure any notion of being 'better'. It's also difficult to acknowledge what outsiders see, if indeed they even know of one's cptsd struggles (we're good at hiding it, and/or just hiding from it, and from everything, actually; at least it's been that way for me). Why? Personally, it's that old 'who can I/do I really trust' bromide that gives me pause and saves my secret shame. But it still hurts--awfully.

It's said a support system helps. Oh yeah? When one is so isolated as a result of all this, that's yet another potential pitfall back to despair. The effort seems overwhelming yet again, but if I can remind myself of a little phrase I heard once, it helps. The phrase: "Play With Options". Hmmm...no work, or maybe it's making a play out of the work (and in the process become our own heroes)? Being an old 'improv' actor, that appeals to me.

You noted: "Thinking I was going to be the 'rock' of leading her out of depression and completely oblivious to my own depression provided for me a new learning." The best kind --not knowing, almost stumbling into it . But you allowed that learning to sink in. Somehow (mindfulness again?) you maintained enough capacity through all the troubles to realize your own story had been unexpectedly reflected back to you. 

Dunno...so many questions, so many fears, too much resignation to cruel fate; not enough allowance that one's own inner critic can be nudged aside in favour of that inner child, who's been looking for ways to 'play with options' all the while.