Opening the floodgates

[Lostnafraid]

 I started therapy a week ago when this monster I've been battling got to big for me to fight alone. I have gotten very raw a few times with details of my "secrets" when I've been in the trenches. Now "secrets" from loved ones have started spilling out. They are now facing all these things they've "tucked" away for so long too.

  It makes me wish I would have never tried to do anything about my "monster". I feel like I'm causing so much pain to all of those around me. Is this a normal occurrence with this? I'm lost and don't know what to do. My next session is Thursday. I'm hoping to get answers then but am pretty deep in wanting answers sooner than later.

[Trees]

Dear Lost, I do know that it is not your fault.  Sometimes the timing of these things is so bad that somehow it seems it should have been done in a better way, but that's just not possible usually.  The swelling of emerging events, the sudden thrusting of memories and old pain, that is just not the sort of thing that is easily controlled. 

The world is full of these kinds of secrets and they emerge when they are ready to.  I am so sorry you have to go through so much pain.  And it is also very sad that your loved ones have secret pain, too.  But it certainly is not your fault in any way.

You deserve peace and safety, and I hope you will find your way through this before too long.  All the best to you on your journey.   

[Lostnafraid]

  Thank you for your quick reply. Just ugh so confused. Is it really worth it to try and heal if it hurts others so deeply in the process? I've always been the "strong one" the protecter. Now they are having to support me and it's bringing out all these things I've tried to soothe and protect them from. Maybe I'm just ranting now but inside I keep screaming * is wrong with people. How can people do these horrible things to others? I know these are unanswerable questions. Again Thank You for allowing me to just get this out.

[Trees]

Ranting is a good thing.  This is a good place to rant, actually.  Lots of people to understand and empathize.

My personal opinion is that what we do call "healing" can be very painful indeed.  But I am not sure that it is a process that can be suppressed at will.  And even if possible, suppression IMO is at least as painful and without the possibility of progress.

Sometimes the protector needs protecting.  I hope this experience will strengthen your bond with your loved ones.  My deepest sympathies.

[arpy1]

dear Lostnafraid,  oh hon, i wish it were easier. am thinking of u.

i want to echo Trees. i know when a boil is ready to  burst, it will burst, and it's not nice. but it will let the poison out. if all that poison stays in, it could kill you eventually.  so it's not altogether something in your control. yes, you could try and squash it all back in. but it will only swell up again and be even worse. sounds as if this is your time.

if it's any consolation, when i started to bring out stuff, i was so very worried about the effect on my kids.  i wanted to protect them and still do.  but the effect on them of all that i am going through, far from damaging them, has actually shown me that they are stronger than i thought, and even that it has been helpful for them to see me facing and working through stuff that we all knew was wrong but didn't speak about. i believe that facing the truth has helped them to grow themselves even tho it hasn't been easy. i am effectively modelling for them a healthier way of doing life.

so take courage, lostnafraid. good will come out of all this, even if you can't see it yet.

[Sienna]

Hey Lostnafraid,

I started therapy a week ago when this monster I've been battling got to big for me to fight alone.

That must of taken a lot of courage and bravery and i think you should be proud of that.

I have gotten very raw a few times with details of my "secrets" when I've been in the trenches. Now "secrets" from loved ones have started spilling out. They are now facing all these things they've "tucked" away for so long too.
Gosh. Thats a lot. Not your fault.

If they caused you pain, then you would be in pain. maybe the pain belongs on them.

Your post concerns me a lot, because, I'm wondering if others are telling you its your fault?
or are not supporting you with all this difficult stuff and difficult feelings that are comming up for you?
i had an X like this, and he was also causing a lot of my upset.
he dumped me and his excuse was that he couldn't deal with seeing me in so much pain, though he suggested i go to therapy. That was a lie though i think.
Basically, others can make you feel bad over their actions, saying how you feel is your fault, and can make you feel bad about stuff from the past that is comming up that *they* dont know how to handle or support you with.
That is them, not you, but i know its hard to not think its you.

Im so sorry you are going through this. We are here to support you. I hope your doing ok. 

[sanmagic7]

i do believe that our own healing is not what hurts others, but the fact that we were wounded by someone else, and it's on that person, the one who wounded us, that has caused the pain in those close to us.  you didn't do it, that other person did, that other person caused the pain in you which caused the pain in others. nope, it's not on you.

being a strength and protector for others in my life, i can relate to having to switch that role and allow someone else to be strong and protecting of me.  i don't think it's an easy transition to make, but someone once told me that by allowing it, i'm giving a gift to those around me by giving them a chance to do something wonderful for me for a change.  and, that i shouldn't deprive them of that opportunity.  that stuck in my head and made the transition a wee bit easier for me.  i've got more balance in the giving and taking dept. now, thanks to that.  i'm more able to take the care and support from others that i'd always been the one to give.   give yourself a chance, some patience, and the kindness that you so deserve, just as much as anyone else.  it'll get there.  just some thoughts.

[Sienna]

  ..to all of it.