Hi

[AquaticRange]

Hey,

First post here. I'm on several different support forums, but I am so glad that there is one that actually exists for cPTSD. OOTF brought me over here, and I'm letting out a breath as I see so many people here who can relate. Cheers to all of you for having the courage to be here.

Over the last year or two, I've been practicing acknowledging the abuse that went on living with my borderline M. It's been hard, but I have the witness and confidence of my other siblings who, while each of us had a different relationship with her, each suffered in their own way growing up. There's a full intro over on OOTF somewhere, so I'll refrain from writing another novella here.

Most recently, I've been uncovering some extremely subtle and uncomfortable memories/sensations about the emotional incest that went on with my biological F. It came to me this year when I got triggered by touch from my boyfriend. I felt a displaced sense of anger, and realized it was at F. I realized that I have been idealizing him since I can remember--and he has been crossing about every psychological boundary I have, if not a decent amount physically as well. The subtlety of it confuses me and evokes complete fury at having been violated by someone in such passing innocence. Again, I've got details about this on OOTF.

Here is the now for me: I am angry. I have stores of anger that are pouring out like they never have. It is at my family members, and it is primitive, and loud, and uninhibited. And--it is saving my life right now. I've never felt it before, at least not as an adult. I am not a hateful person by nature. I am empathetic and truly desire for those around me to be at peace with themselves and be able to give/receive love. BUT, there is a very primal need for me to scream, and yell, and beat the ground with my entire life force because of the reality I'm coming to. The reality is that I don't want to be silenced, invalidated, and objectified anymore.

This is a new chapter of empowerment. Challenging myself to be both compassionate and openly expressive; challenging panic/triggers by exposing truths that are being swept out from under the rug. It is scary, and tiring, and painful. But there is no getting off this road now. I'm committed to healing from this, and eventually helping those around me.

[mourningdove]

Hi AquaticRange! 

Your anger is welcome here. There is an author named Pete Walker who is very popular with many of us, and he talks about angering being a very important part of the healing process.

I too was a target for emotional incest for a good part of my childhood, so I can relate. You are not alone.

Welcome! 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! MourningDove is right, your anger is welcome here (in fact it's inspiring me to try and let mine out), and you are not alone!

[radical]

I experienced rage for several months from late last year.  There is no other word to describe it.  It consumed my whole body.  I felt like I would explode.

This might not help you, or be relevant to your circumstances, but I came to see it as a helpful friend after a while.  I dealt with  a number of situations in which I was being treated abusively or as a doormat, and then it went down.  But it was lingering in the background and would rise up when anyone behaved disrespectfully towards me.  I didn't react to it, but I found it useful.  Because previously, people could treat me like rubbish and I wouldn't feel anything at all, but being treated badly would trigger an appeasing response, which just made things worse.

Now I think of it as being a kind of saviour.  I was full up with abuse and couldn't take any more.  I hope it comes back and guides me if I ever find myself in an abusive situation again.

I'm not recommending doing anything.  In my case there were some situations that had built up over time, that I needed to take care of.  After that, it was a kind of early warning system.

It's gone again now, and I struggle to feel appropriately angry in the moment, on occasions.  But I reflect on things.  I don't necessarily assert myself in the moment, but I make sure I recognise patterns and get onto things as soon as I do.

[Kizzie]

Cheers to all of you for having the courage to be here.

Right back at you!      Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS AquaticRange 

I want to echo what several members have said and what you seem to know already (took me a long time to allow myself to be truly angry and guilt free so kudos!).  Anger is an important self-protective instinct in everyone but it gets shoved down and/or turned inward when we are abused.  It does help us to recover so as Walker (we're fans here lol) suggests, embrace and express it -- just try and do so in healthy ways (talk here, in therapy, assert your boundaries, write letters to those who have abused you but don't send them, beat on a pillow, howl in the shower, work out/run ....). Then you can begin to grieve for all that you have lost and to fill up the place angering has left with positive present moment things. 

[Tewaz]

Hello AquaticRange,
Welcome! I am new here as well.
I only just met you and I'm very proud of you for embracing your anger as a healthy and life giving force! That's still something I'm working on. I know it in my head, but the instinct to suppress the rage is strong. Lol
Anyway, I'm so happy to see you and so many wonderful, courageous people here!

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi AquaticRange  and welcome.

Here is the now for me: I am angry. I have stores of anger that are pouring out like they never have. It is at my family members, and it is primitive, and loud, and uninhibited. And--it is saving my life right now. I've never felt it before, at least not as an adult. I am not a hateful person by nature. I am empathetic and truly desire for those around me to be at peace with themselves and be able to give/receive love. BUT, there is a very primal need for me to scream, and yell, and beat the ground with my entire life force because of the reality I'm coming to. The reality is that I don't want to be silenced, invalidated, and objectified anymore.

This is a new chapter of empowerment. Challenging myself to be both compassionate and openly expressive; challenging panic/triggers by exposing truths that are being swept out from under the rug. It is scary, and tiring, and painful. But there is no getting off this road now. I'm committed to healing from this, and eventually helping those around me.

Oh, I can relate with the  . I've been angry and raging for well over a year now, and only since a few months it is slowly subsiding. It still re-emerges though at times. 
Mourning dove already mentioned that anger can be a very powerful and much needed tool in dealing with all the abuse we have endured. It's what he calls "restoring the Fight reaction."
So feel free to vent your anger, this is a good and safe place. In the Guidelines for All Members a little is said over how to deal with/post on anger, and on swearing.

Welcome again,

Dutch.