Living As All of Me

[TheBigBlue]

 

[zen_racer]

HannahOne, I hope this is okay ... 

I don't have any great words of wisdom right now, and I don't know how to respond.

But I'm as present as I can be right now.  I hope your search for a therapist goes well.

[HannahOne]

Zenracer, sanmagic7, Narckiddo, TheBigBlue, thank you for reading along.

I need a therapist to help me find a therapist. LOL.

I've got the one who wants me to do her protocols, with the promise that in a year I'd be recovered. Meanwhile I don't want a protocol applied to me, and I don't want to become "a different person" in a year... I want to accept and be me.

I've got one who called me 7 minutes late. Then cancelled our appointment the morning of. I told her to give me time to get back to her about rescheduling. She immediately proposed some times. When I didn't respond, she wrote that she'd saved me the same time the week following. I responded that I could come to the one she offered the next day. She immediately scheduled it--by sending a link to a virtual appointment. She didn't say she only worked virtually that day and I'd said on the phone I wanted in person. Chaos.

Then there's the one who, when I went to fill out the forms, had an AI form that I have to sign she will record our meetings using AI to take the notes. I've allowed that at medical appointments, but a therapy appointment?! Part of my trauma is being recorded. Um, no.

Then I've got one who will see me, but if we dont do EMDR, she "doesn't know" what we would do. A one trick pony.

I have two left to see.

Meanwhile there just seems to be a run of losses. My kids main activity person is retiring. My kid is crushed. Other kid broke up with their significant other and hasn't gone to school in three days. Partner's mother had a fall. A friend just got diagnosed with cancer. Frank is ill, I'm leaving now to take him back to the vet.

The EFs are hopelessness. Feeling I shouldn't have been born. Feeling like I have failed or done something wrong, self blame. Feeling like I don't want to do anything, futility/despair.

I am trying to turn toward all these feelings and be compassionate.

Not able to sleep the last few days. Not able to eat much. I'm eating now, then taking Frank. Going to visit the newly diagnosed friend and bring them lunch. And just keep getting through each day.

At the wildlife rehab this week, my job was to pluck the heads off 15 grams of mealworms for the bats. I thought I was cool. No problem. Pluck. Pluck. Pluck pluck pluck. Pluck pluck. At 13 g, I realized I was lightheaded. I came to the rehab to improve my karma, not make it worse. I know bats have to eat. But I don't seem to have the stomach for it. I was told I don't have to pluck the heads off the mealworms in the future. I can prepare the raptor, fox and beaver meals instead. One frozen dead rabbit in the fox bowl. Frozen dead mice in the raptor bowls, 35 grams of frozen mice, 57 grams of frozen mice...."kangaroo roll", which is what it sounds like.... oh thank Frank, the beaver gets a lettuce leaf.

I came home and took a hot shower. I am truly unsure how to proceed. I need to keep it going for now because it's a small bit of structure. And I love the people, the place, the animals. I didn't feel sick, or bad for doing it. I just get lightheaded and I'm not sure what that is about. Will I habituate? I hope so.

Here I go to take the day by storm. May it bring good things to myself and other beings. A quiche for my friend with cancer, kibble for the dog. Good things.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope Frank is better soon.

That load of therapist experiences sounds like a barrel of laughs. Not.

I'm sorry all the other things are piling up and I hope you can reach accommodation with the wildlife rehab about things you can do that don't make you lightheaded. It might be worth trying again with the mealworms as it didn't make you feel sick or bad and sounds way better than the raptor and fox meals. Given the health issues you are dealing with it could be something to do with that and the lightheadedness just happened to coincide with the mealworms.

 

[HannahOne]

Franklin D Roosevelt has E Cunniculi. This can lead to the infamous head tilt in some rabbits. He doesn't have the head tilt and his kidney function is perfect. No cataracts. He just has the GI stasis and it's mild, the vet today said he gained some grams over the weekend which is good.

I'm having to syringe feed, which he hates. But you dont eat, you don't live. I have to wrap him in a towel like a burrito so only his nose peeks out, hold him under one arm like a football, and gently syringe into his mouth so he has time to swallow and doesn't choke. He also is on a new medication, which is bitter and he hates. So I give him the banana flavored meds first and after the bitter one. He looked quite betrayed as he loves his medicines. He's never had a bitter one. Sorry buddy.

In two weeks he'll go back for bloodwork and then hopefully the virus will be suppressed. 80% of rabbits have EC and it may flare up for him in the future but now knowing he has it, we can be on top of it. I'm glad he should be ok.

The vet suggested getting him a partner as it may reduce his stress and improve his immune system to avoid another flare of the virus. She said he wouldn't need to be neutered. I'm going to call a rescue and see if he can speed date. I'd like to get one his same age as I dont' want to be in the rabbit business long term. We will see if we can find him a bun wife. Or husbun. She said he may do well with a neutered male, too. I am still unsure if he really wants a friend bc he was in so many fights at his former home. But we will let him try.

I thought it was interesting that she's seen rabbits improve health once they get a friend. She said she's seen the hair totally grow back, viruses not flare up, longterm stasis resolve. He's a social creature. I guess this is the push I needed to give it a chance. If he doesn't bond with any of the dates then he can continue as a solo. Thinking about how humans need people too and how I'm still living in a pretty isolated way, days without talking to my partner, weeks without being in the same room much. This started during the pandemic and we've just never really reverted. Now there's not a day I don't speak to someone other than the kids, I'm going out every day. But still not regulating with others. I can only regulate by myself and would like to explore this. I hope I can find a therapist who might help me with this. I miss my old one. She retired. V sad. I love who I was with her. I can't seem to be that me without her.

I also continue to be amazed that Frank never bites. No matter how they poke, prod, force etc. He tries to get away, he'll squirm and accidentally scratch. But he doesn't attack. It's just not his nature. And yet I respect him.

So Frank joins me in living with a health difficulty. He's about middle age himself. He seems worried, he knows something isn't right and he doesn't want to be eaten, but he seems to relax a little when I explain we are helping him.

Today I really wanted to talk to my FOO. Which is wild. I don't generally feel that way anymore. I think I'm feeling a bit alone and vulnerable. I want to not reach out, it would make me feel awful, and awful about myself. I'd end up hating myself and full of self doubt about every single thing I'm doing. Their perspective is very warped and they think everyone is dumb and doing things wrong... I don't want to be full of self doubt. I have to remember not to go to a poisoned well.

[sanmagic7]

i think that's good advice you gave yourself, hannah1 - don't go to a poisoned well.  an apt metaphor.

i'm glad frank's on the mend.  sorry you and your H don't speak much to each other - that has to feel isolating as well.

hang tough, ok?  as i've heard many times here, this, too, shall pass.  sometimes these tunnels of unease and awful seem unending, but they're not.  you'll get there.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Their perspective is very warped and they think everyone is dumb and doing things wrong... I don't want to be full of self doubt.

Wise advice to All of You, HannahOne. I am in contact with my FOO and I did permit them to visit me once when I was in hospital, when I was out of ICU. But I forbade the staff from giving information about me to anyone other than my husband, because I did not want endless whiny messages from M. She phoned ICU and tried to wheedle information on the basis she is my mother but luckily they came to check with me before saying anything. I understand the desire to get comfort from FOO. Especially right now. Maybe that is why I permitted mine to come to visit when I could have claimed to be too ill to see anyone. But it really wasn't worth it and I got nothing out of it except a whiny message afterwards from my M who wanted to send the hospital priest to my bedside to pray over me. She didn't even bring me any grapes. Stand firm, HannahOne. You can comfort the vulnerable parts so much better than FOO ever could.

I'm glad you know what's up with Frank and have the right medication. It's horrid when you have to give them nasty medicine and bundle them up to syringe things down.