Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Thank you for sharing that, NK.  It helps knowing that I'm not alone in that, and that it might be more normal than I would think.  I'm sorry that you're dealing with one of those elephants as well. 

Both my cat and me fully endorse the giggling at him enjoying the open counters!

I'm feeling sicker, and my temperature is up by about 1.5 degrees F.  Not feeling super horrible, but the cold is annoying.  I've been so tired.

I had someone text me a song today, saying that it made them think of me.  It was a song titled "Don't be so hard on yourself".  I'm confident that it was sent with good intentions, and was related to something we had discussed while talking previously.  My first reaction was to try to argue that I wasn't that hard on myself, but very quickly realized that it was something we had both known was true.  What struck me was that she hasn't known me super long, which made it sink in a little bit that I must be harder on myself than I realize if it's that obvious.

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, sorry to hear you're not feeling well - hope that blows over soon.  on top of everything else we're dealing w/, being ill seems to compound it, at least for me.

'don't be so hard on yourself - when i first read that, the thought 'that's kind of universal', especially for anyone who's had any kind of self-help/recovery under their belts.  not only is it something they probably practice, but also understand too many of us ARE hard on ourselves.  like recognizes like, kind of thing. so, i hope you can go easy on yourself - it's not a race.  you're already winning.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

I really hope you feel better soon Zen_Racer.  Be kind to yourself, and sending you a hug 

[zen_racer]

Thank you SanMagic and Hope.  I'm definitely finding it more difficult to be kind to myself right now.  I've been triggered by a few things this evening, and I'm getting defensive, angry, agitated.  I've finally realized that I'm not responding to the current moment any longer.  I guess that realization is kind of helping.

I am feeling better.  No fever today, and I went back to work.  This evening, I had a nosebleed.  First time in a long time.  I had forgotten how much I didn't like those.  I think that was the final thing that pushed me into a full EF from several triggers.  Nosebleeds were something I had to deal with a LOT as a child.  It was something that I was blamed for a lot too, as if I had anything to do with causing them.  As if they weren't worse for me than family that was annoyed.  I feel like I'm imminently going to have to literally fight people as a defense for blaming me for things outside of my control.

It makes me so angry that something like having a nosebleed makes me feel such a rush of feeling unsafe and under attack.  That just like my hypermetabolism, the nosebleeds themselves could've been a symptom of all the abuse and stress, which just drew more abuse.  Getting treated horribly for having a reaction to getting treated horribly in a cycle that just didn't end.

I feel guilty for having a reaction like this.

[Marcine]

ZR,
With all the compassion I can muster, I say— it sounds like you are being pummeled by wave after wave of sensory, memory, emotion, intellectual, physical onslaught.

What a very very challenging time, my friend.

I'm thinking of the swimming safety guidance taught to survive  a riptide when one is being pulled out to sea by the powerful current. It's *not to swim for shore. There's no way to fight the current ripping through the underwater sand gap.

Paradoxically, it's to keep one's head above water best one can, go with the current that's pulling out to the open water, and then when it dissipates, swim parallel to shore, until past the riptide gap. And climb out.

Easy to say. Harder to do out in the surf as the current pulls one's body away from land.

With awareness, training, and practice, lifeguards and swimmers learn to work with the fact of riptide currents.

I think you are learning to work with the currents and the under-the-surface conditions existing with complex relational trauma.

It's intense work, as you know, requiring extra care and precautions. Easy does it and lean on the support you have.

I'm rooting for you.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[zen_racer]

Thank you Marcine, that helps put it in perspective.  I think you're right about all the different waves.  I think it's kind of ironic because back then, I had so many nosebleeds that they didn't bother me much, if I wasn't being harassed because of them.  But that did happen enough.  I think the sensory, memory, and then emotional aspects all just grabbed ahold of my consciousness and took me back to when I was enduring as best I could without support, and getting blamed for everything.

That's the 3rd time I've noticed what was happening.  You may be right that I'm starting to learn how to work with the currents, just a little.

Thank you NK.

 

[sanmagic7]

I feel guilty for having a reaction like this.

i believe that sort of reaction is due to the traumatic nature of what you've gone thru in the past, ZR.  trauma holds us hostage, causing us to believe it's our fault we've been traumatized.  well, it wasn't.  being bullied wasn't your fault.  being traumatized because of it wasn't your fault.  unfortunately, the aftermath of riptides is what you get to deal with as best you can.  but always remember, please, being imperfect isn't your fault, either.  we're not always going to know exactly what to do, how to act, how to respond, whatever.  you're doing such a good job in your recovery.  i think it's admirable.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

I started off today in a funk, and with a headache.  There were several things weighing on me, but the biggest was a couple things that happened on a first date last night.  The date went well, but there was something brought up where I got more animated describing something that at the time had made me angry.  She asked me then if I got angry easily.  I immediately flashed back to when my family would criticize and punish me anytime I ever showed any kind of excitement or passion while talking, regardless of if it was something that bothered me, or just something I was excited about because of how much I enjoyed it.  It also flashed me back to remembering that I'm never allowed to have anger, not even healthy anger.  When she asked that, I immediately apologized.  I told her that I never really got angry in real time, and that's something I'm going to work on in therapy, but that I do eventually get angry.  She asked me what that looked like, and I told her that I mostly only get angry when I'm alone at home, ruminating on things where I didn't stand up for myself and that I was really only angry at myself for not representing myself well or standing up for myself.  I then apologized for getting animated.  She said I hadn't done anything wrong, and I explained about how I used to get criticized for ever getting more animated while talking.

This morning, I was figuring that I'd blown it.  That me getting animated or a little worked up while describing a bad situation would be seen as me having anger issues.  A little later, she texted me saying good morning, and after a few exchanges, said she hoped we could get together again.  She's dealing with family medical issues, but we texted throughout the day.  I went on the hike near my house, and shared pictures with her because she loves hiking as well.  After the hike I had texted saying thank you for her being present (in the texts) on my hike with me, and said that I had been in a funk this morning but was feeling better after the hike.

We just got off the phone.  She asked if I wanted to talk about not feeling so great this morning, but also made it clear that I didn't have to.  I did tell her about my reaction to the stuff last night, and a little more about how my family used to treat me.  She said she was worried that would happen last night after my reaction and apologized.  I told her that it wasn't her fault, and that I felt bad because of my past.  She asked if there was anything she could do to help alleviate any of that.  I was floored by the acceptance, lack of judgement, and genuine care.

Just typing out that last part got me to start crying.  I think grieving the type of care and acceptance I should've had from family but never got, which I just got an example of.