starting over

[Chart]

I've got my fingers crossed for you too, San. Good luck tonight. I know what you mean about being afraid that it might not stick. It's like tolerance to a drug, the more we get used to a technique, if it's just treating symptoms, the core pathology can ramp-up it's intensity in order to bypass the temporary relief. This sucks in the short-term, but I believe in the mid to long-term the work is getting done, somewhere in there the electrician is hopping about putting things back where they "should" have been from the beginning. I recently watched a documentary about the biggest recorded tornado in US history, it was over a mile wide. Post analysis of radar of the tornado revealed at one point three distinct sub-tornados in the larger whole. I immediately thought of Cptsd. I think that is why "healing" is so frustrating. In my case I have really no idea what the "whole" of my trauma consists of. For this reason I could be experiencing the totality of my trauma and suddenly butt up against a powerful sub-storm that I never saw or knew existed. Such is the manner of the beast with which we battle. But I believe too that all this "fighting" (be it accepting, resisting, working with, breathing, everything...) is all sending messages to the inner workings, and the pain is the discomfort of getting that stuff up front and ready to realignment... readjustment. The blind stone-mason chipping away at the block. San, I believe you are far far more powerful than you feel. I'm sending big hugs too and wishing you sweet dreams. May that brick become a foundation, solid and supporting you in all your determined endeavors.
 

[sanmagic7]

hey, chart, thank you so for your uplifting words.  you know how to hit me where i smile, so to speak.  3 tornados in 1?  that's a lot of energy being expended, a lot of unleashed power.  i think of myself in terms of strength rather than power, so it was interesting you brought that up.  i know i'm one of the strongest people i know.  i don't know the concept of power for myself. i do know the power of my traumas, tho. interesting. 

no anxiety last nite, altho i could feel it wanting to bust thru on the edges.  that was good, tho.  any night w/o anxiety is a win.

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, chart.

anxiety crept in last nite.  we'll see if that was a one off, or if i need to do more EMDR.  it wasn't as intense, but i was up for 2 hrs. in the middle of the night, so that wasn't fun. 

my D's book is uploaded today to amazon, so that's finally finished.  yay!  some of the stress coming off that roller coaster may be showing its face right now.  yesterday i did nothing but play computer games all day, then watched some of the Beatles Anthology. 

that was one of the very best times of my life.  stayed overnite at the airport when they came here, went to their concert, screamed thru the whole thing, ran thru the streets afterwards, hoarse for 24 hrs.  even watching some of thier performances last nite i let out involuntary yells of sheer joy? nostalgia? a mix of everything wonderful?  whatever it was, i was instantly flashed back to that concert, that feeling of unbridled freedom ripping all my repressed self to shreds.  it was truly life-changing for me.  it opened me up to possibilities of what i might do, what i wanted to do, what i didn't want to do anymore. 

i was 16 when they came to town, and a few months later the stones came and i went to their concert ($2.50/ticket!), the place they played was so empty we were able to move up to about the 13th row to watch mick strut his stuff - never saw anyone do anything like that before! - and before i knew it, i was standing on my seat (which was unheard of), bouncing up and down, yelling, expelling all the repression i grew up with.  the stones put the seal on me having to follow all the rules all the time after that.

as i've told my D, the beatles were more than a band for me, they literally broke the chains that my folks had me wrapped up in all my life.  that, by itself, was life-changing.  then, the stones sealed the deal, and i couldn't look back.  it didn't happen all at once (much like recovery), but each idea leaned on the one before.  the next year i went away to college, and that was my first taste of freedom.  and i ran with it.  eventually it led to me driving across the country to so. calif. w/ my sis and 2 girlfriends, which introduced me to mexico, where i went so often i made friends of several guys who lived there, which set the stage for me having a place to run to when i was going mad.

none of my life might've happened if i hadn't seen the beatles on ed sullivan.

[Chart]

Awesome story, San, thank you for sharing that. I really felt your experience. You make me think: Life, no matter how hard, really is worth living isn't it?
Thank you