Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, such a lot to go thru - and grieving the M you never had could certainly be sapping your strength.  all that emotion takes a toll.  i hope you are eating to keep up with the energy your brain/mind is utilizing in order to do this (and if i'm out of line here, please ignore - it just popped into my head).

feeling cared about, feeling loved, can be very painful.  i still burst out crying when kindness is shown to me.  i'm so sorry for what your M put you thru - dang, that's horrible!  grrr!  the mama bear in me comes out when i think of things like that.

you are also doing a lot of physical work, it sounds like.  so much going on.  please, be as caring for yourself as you wanted your M to be for you, if at all possible.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, thank you for caring! And reminding me to eat I went to bed a little hungry last night and barely slept, and I'm not in a great head space this morning, which is probably half due to low blood sugar. SO much of my mood is not eating enough regularly.

Thank you also for the mama bear energy. I go back and forth between feeling sorry for the woman, and being baffled and furious. I guess I can appreciate that even though I do have CPTSD and struggle, whatever is wrong with her must be so much worse for her to function so poorly. Part of the struggle is knowing she did love me, in her way, how she was capable. The disconnect there is so vast.I know many of us here feel that way, parents think they did great or love us and yet we experienced relational trauma and or various kinds of abuse.   

I made a pretty decent life out of it in spite of it, and I have to remember that too and appreciate the present. Most of my problems now are my feelings LOL, which is much better than the problems I started out with of struggling financially, functionally, relationally, in every area my external and internal life were both very difficult to make work. I was also thinking yesterday about the women I met along the way who inspired me, a neighbor who was a nurse, a teacher, a college admin. I saw that there were different choices and I tried to make the better choice whenever there was one.

One thing my mother couldn't seem to do was ever enjoy life, be in the present. Poor thing. I try to focus on allowing myself to feel safe and content. It's rainy so I'm focused on "snug as a bug in a rug" feeling and the quiet in my house in a safe place.

[HannahOne]

I want to balance feeling my grief from the past, and getting what I want in the present. I find it tricky.

I've been crying a lot and thinking about the past. Why couldn't my mother love me. What is the reason. I want there to be a medical reason. She did take too many prescription pills, but that doesn't explain it enough. I want there to be some reason besides "she didn't want to" or "other things were more compelling." Ugh it doesn't make sense. I know having a reason wouldn't really solve my pain about it anyway.

So today I want to connect to people and give and take. But I don't know how/who. I have a kid in the house, currently on the phone, but I don't bring my needs to my kids. I have a dog here at my feet. I have to pickup groceries and can chat with the grocer, who picks greens just for Frank. I could call a friend. It just feels like whatever connection I make in the present is no good compared to what I want. But I can't go back and be a child again. I don't even want that, I want someone to interact with me now, to be interested, curious, delighted, share interests, to teach me.

Aha... I do like learning and having a teacher is a kind of authority. There's a shared interest, and teachers are often interested in the work of the student. It's a mind to mind connection that I like, trying to learn what is in someone else's mind, and them giving me feedback about how much I got it right/wrong. I have been trying to find some classes. I don't want to bring my mother wound transference to a teacher bbuuut.... being a student is a power dynamic that might satisfy part of me. I keep reaching out about the painting class and getting no response. I will call today. First I will pet the dog and get groceries. I Am tired already. I didn't sleep well at all again. My sleep medication isn't working and the other medications I am on make sleep worse. And crying is exhausting.