Hope's Journal 2026

[Hope67]

Thanks HannahOne - 

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9th August 2026
I feel more energized this morning.  I hope to hold onto this feeling.  I am also feeling like it was good to process some of the grief that came up in recent days - with that dream and then watching that documentary.  The Blitz Kids refers to the club in Covent Garden in the 1980's rather than the actual Blitz - I thought I'd mention that incase anyone had looked up the documentary, as several things seem to come up on u-tube.  It's about Boy George, Marilyn and Steve Strange and others. 

Actually it's interesting that as I think more about this, I note that those people were able to manifest very individual and creative personas/characters etc, and seemed to have some family support. 

I think about how I've really toed the line of fitting in with the things felt to be important to my FOO (cultish kind of existence in my opinion) and tried to be what they wanted me to be - to the detriment of my creativity and expression - and how it's taken me years and years to finally feel freer of their control.  But even now, I feel strings of connection that bring me feelings of shame and other feelings - when what I'd like to feel is truely free.

Part of me shames me as I write this, by saying to me that it sounds so petty when written like this - but whilst I acknowledge that part, I also would like to say that how I feel about things is something I'd like to feel free to do.  Being curious, it helps all parts to stand back a bit and really look at what's behind all the roles of various parts in making up my experience.

For today - a Sunday - I have things I need to do - responsibilities - stuff like that - and I will hope to do them.  I'm really hoping that the more emotional part that cried a lot yesterday will stay safe and contained whilst I can then go out and see the people I need to see and do the things I need to do today - I am thankful that I don't have red eyes today!!!  A bit puffy maybe - but not red.

I feel more energized - I think I've already mentioned that, but I really hope to keep hold of that energy and utilise it in some nice ways.

[NarcKiddo]

I find that sometimes it takes an outside source for me to process my own grief. I am frequently unexpectedly touched by something in a film or a book and have a big emotional reaction that is unexpected. I can't always tell what personal experience is being triggered, especially not in the moment, but I also find it helpful to think about it afterwards. There are clues and I'm glad you are finding AI useful in your detective work. I do, too.

I don't agree with the part that thinks it sounds petty. I think that we have parts very much conditioned by FOO, because toeing the FOO line kept us safe. So those parts are always going to be prone to doing that until they can accept that we are safe from FOO now. The strings of connection feel to me rather like spiders web strings - you can't see them and it is very easy to blunder into them and then feel that horrid strong pull.

I am glad you are being curious and encouraging all parts to be curious too, while acknowledging the presence of all parts and hearing their views.

I'm glad you're feeling energised and I hope you have a productive and enjoyable day.

 

[sanmagic7]

`dear hope, i agree w/ NK about the petty part.  we've been conditioned and brainwashed to believe things that just aren't true, either about ourselves, how we view the world, what we do, how to think, feel, act.  acknowledging the part that's carrying some of that stuff is very good, i think, because it's only thru that acknowledgement that we can eventually look at what's driving it.

speaking of driving, that was where my feeling of freedom came.  i could do anything, think or feel anything, stop, keep going, take a side trip.  it's the b4st feeling i know of, and as my T reminded me, i can go there in my mind, get that feeling back anytime i want.  she's told me to use that as my 'safe place', and it's been helping.  i so do hope you can find that for yourself. 

keep going, hope.  it seems that all that you are doing has been helping you move forward, and i'm a fan of that.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Part of me shames me as I write this, by saying to me that it sounds so petty when written like this - but whilst I acknowledge that part, I also would like to say that how I feel about things is something I'd like to feel free to do.  Being curious, it helps all parts to stand back a bit and really look at what's behind all the roles of various parts in making up my experience.

I think this is a very important part of your post, good that you wrote it On the one hand, there is this part, on the other hand you (you of today, presumably) is speaking out with a valid "hm, yes, BUT I want to feel free to do X." My impression in the last while is that you're just racing along with your healing, in cptsd terms that is. Healed next week is of course not on the cards. Being free to do something or feel something after all those years of FOO constriction, I think that's a big thing. 
  

[HannahOne]

Hope67, I'm so glad you could see the different parts. I found myself wanting to support the part that complied, we HAD to comply with FOOs ideals... otherwise it may have been very difficult to survive emotionally, or physically. It's a natural part of being a child to mimic one's parents, that's how human children learn. We are born with our brain not fully formed in part so we can learn behaviors, as our behaviors are much more complex than other mammals who rely much more on instinct.

Of course part of us feels shamed about this, as complying with FOO ideals may have gone against our nature or who we are or our values. And, the shame is the signal that hey, we've crossed our boundaries and now that we're free of FOO, we can make different choices. Congratulations on seeing that space now to make your own choices.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo, SanMagic, Blueberry & HannahOne,
Thank you all for what you wrote       

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20th August 2026
The long heat wave has been broken up a bit by some showers of rain, and I am grateful for that. 

Now I've come here to think about writing something, my brain has gone blank.  Never mind.  I'll come back later or tomorrow or the next day. 

Note to self: I do want to write about stuff I've been reading in past days, as it's been quite heavy going stuff, and raised thoughts/feelings in me - which I have been processing. 

[Hope67]

21st August 2026
I've decided to give myself a few weeks of 'holiday' - and by that I mean that I'm going to try to read much more light reading and do less trauma-related reading - plus try to focus on some more hobby based activities perhaps.  I am also keen to go on holiday somewhere - so thinking about planning something for maybe September.  Even if it's just day trips, or maybe somewhere further away.

Might not be as present in the forum for the next few weeks either - but then again, I might be.  I don't know. 

I do plan to get back to more trauma related reading in October - because I really want to try some experiential kind of stuff at that point, and I have a couple of books I will hope to focus on in that month.

This is the plan - I don't know if I'll stick to it or not.  Not giving myself rules - but hoping by writing this, that I'll have some intended structure.

I also might do a detox from looking at the internet and social media and all that other stuff that can be so distracting and often takes me down rabbit holes that maybe I would be better not going down.