hopeful for progress

[Chart]

Hey San, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Sending hugs and support.
 

[sanmagic7]

thank you everyone.

stress flu, too sick to respond more.  the porch sounds lovely, blueberry.  thanks.  i'm there.

[HannahOne]

Ugh, stress flu. I'm so sorry to hear. Take care of yourself, sending a steaming cup of hot tea!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hannah1, i'll take cinnamon, please! 

finally able to take a walk outside this morning.  i've been all over the place emotionally, mentally, and physically  -  too many thoughts, too many actions, looking for something but not sure what.  i've been physically miserable this entire time, very disheartened.  couldn't even walk downstairs to do my own laundry last week.  this crapola keeps dragging me under, and every time it gets more difficult to fight my way back to the surface.  not liking my thoughts, not liking the way i've been feeling, anxiety, panic attacks, they're coming at me from all sides.  hopefully, i'm on an upside now, and will be able to get back to business.  i began knitting a scarf, haven't had the energy to even do that for an entire week.  this junk drains me of everything that pleases me.

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, I have missed you and was concerned, so I was glad to see your post. But very saddened to hear that you've been feeling unwell physically, emotionally. Stress can certainly cause all kinds of physical responses in the body and mind. For me it looks like some days I barely get out of bed, my legs feel like molasses, or I have stomach pain, feel nauseated. These seem to be stress-related. Sometimes all you can do is take care of yourself as best you can and wait it out. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this level of physical and emotional pain and fatigue.

I was interested that you've begun to knit a scarf! Starting a craft often helps me because it brings me more into the present and gives my anxious mind something to focus on. Let us know how you get on with it, what colors you chose.

I'm so sorry you've been so drained.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hannah1.  too drained to work on my scarf all this time, too, which also saddened me.  it's a couple skeins of different heather denim blue colors - i have a denim lined jacket i wear during the winter, wanted a big, long scarf, so that's what i'm doing. 

walked this morning.  slowly coming back.  haven't been able to lift yet.  maybe i can start a little today.  when i had to leave off this last time, i hadn't even gotten back to the level where i had to leave off a couple months ago.  having to start again when i know what progress i'd made also saps me of energy.  one foot in front of the other, i guess.  emotionally draining, too.

[HannahOne]

Wow heather denim blue, that sounds gorgeous!! I love the blues

It's so hard to keep starting over. In fitness especially. I am starting over after a shoulder injury and I too felt quite defeated--but I have to say once I started, I felt better.

[zen_racer]

quote author=sanmagic7 link=msg=164271 date=1789394200]

walked this morning.  slowly coming back.  haven't been able to lift yet.  maybe i can start a little today.  when i had to leave off this last time, i hadn't even gotten back to the level where i had to leave off a couple months ago.  having to start again when i know what progress i'd made also saps me of energy.  one foot in front of the other, i guess.  emotionally draining, too.

I relate to this part a lot right now. I had pretty much stopped exercising when I joined this forum and started learning about cptsd and dealing with everything. I just started again, and feeling pretty sore. I had lost all the progress from doing physical therapy for my hip.

The scarf sounds like a fun project.  Sending love and hugs.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the love and hugs, ZR.  they're great.  glad you're making progress, even tho it can be difficult to start again, or even to start at a point that had been reached and surpassed.  that's great, too. 

just finished w/ my T.  i'm to make a gratitude list - had to have that explained, the difference between gratitude and thankfulness.  i'm thankful for all kinds of things, but she told me it's different than gratitude.  will have to look that up.

 'You do not need something good to happen to have gratitude, and when bad things happen, your gratitude does not falter. You know that sad things are just a part of life, and you are happy with the life you lead.'

ok, i can get behind the first part of this, but the second part kind of hangs me up.  i'm not happy with the life i lead.  i am grateful for a lot in my life, but the happiness part eludes me.  too much neg. happens, mentally, emotionally, physically for me to be happy with it.  it's my life, it's what's happening, i can accept that, even if i don't want to, but i'm not happy with it in my life.  i'm grateful i still have life because of my D, to be able to be here for her, support her, listen when she wants to talk, grateful i can still read and write, edit her books, feel useful in my life, but happy with it?  i don't feel it.

[HannahOne]

your feelings make sense to me, SanMagic7. Happiness depends on happenings and as you say, a lot of what happens in your life is not what you want. The best I am going for lately is "content." Can I be "content" with my life, satisfied enough, if not happy with how everything turned out?

I'm inspired to give you a small image, don't know if it will resonate... in Japan they have little charms for different needs, hopes, wishes. I recently looked through them, one for riches, one for academic work, one for success in love, one for health, one for happiness.... I picked one, a little stuffed  doll figure with a blank face and a cone hat on, it said it was for "moderate happiness." This cracked me up. That's what I wish for, "moderate happinesss." Although at the moment, I'm only at "moving toward content."

[sanmagic7]

hey, hannah1,  thanks for your response.  right now i'm having a difficult time thinking anything very positive about living, which i suppose is different than my life as a whole.  my life is fine, much, much better than many others, and for that i have no complaints.  it's the feelings i'm stuck on.  i remember once feeling content because of a situation, something i'd never felt before, but i recognized it when i felt it.  satisfied went with it at the time, something else i'd never felt, but knew it when i felt it.  i'm getting the feeling this struggle is something like that - i'm struggling to 'feel' something someone suggests i feel.  and i just don't feel it.

i love the charms, tho.  i watch a lot of korean rom coms and dramas, and there has been a fair amount of their spirituality interspersed, and i like the feelings of it.  a moderate happiness charm seems great.   

so, i'm still hung up on feeling happiness to be living, for my life, etc.  maybe it's one of those things i'll never know.  i make do w/ the life i have, i endure the neg. parts of it and can enjoy the positives.  and that may be as far as i get with that, but writing it took a load of anxiety off me, a lot of stress trying to find something i don't know that i have.