Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
I felt really angry about hearing that your M tried to burn your finger when you were a child, using that gas tap, to supposedly teach you a lesson - she was literally monstrous to do that.  I really wanted to say that.  I hope you don't mind my expressing my anger about it, but I do feel angry.  (I hope my anger isn't triggering). 

Anyway, you mentioned that you feel generally better about things (at least on 14th June) and I hope you are okay.   

 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you ZR and Hope

I really wanted to say that.  I hope you don't mind my expressing my anger about it, but I do feel angry.  (I hope my anger isn't triggering). 

Thank you for being so caring in connection with anger, Hope. I know I've posted in the past about problems with anger, since my M was such a ball of rage and fury most of the time, and nobody else was allowed to have anger at all. My H tends to have outbursts about minor things, plus a bit of road rage from time to time, and that affects me very badly. So it was interesting to me to see my own reaction to your comment, and then to your acknowledgement that I might be triggered by it.

I wasn't at all triggered by it. In fact it was really helpful to see someone's measured response to what was, indeed, a monstrous thing to do to anyone, let alone a primary school age child. It is good for me to see that anger is a valid emotion in certain circumstances. It is right to feel angry about what my M did. It is good for me to be in a situation where anger has been generated over a situation I was involved in and yet to know with certainty that it wasn't my fault, and the anger is not directed at me, nor will it spill over onto me. In fact you took care to say that you hoped I wouldn't mind. This is a really good example of why interacting on this site is so therapeutic.

 

..................

I've been ridiculously worked up over one aspect of something my S said in a message. She listed domestic chores I can no longer do (in her opinion) due to my lung condition and said she assumed I have a cleaner to do that. It was framed as a question, though, and thus more like a requirement. You had better have a cleaner, or else. That's how the Littles took it, at any rate, and got really worked up. I don't need a cleaner and I don't have one. I don't want one, for all sorts of reasons. In any case, domestic tasks are actually good for me because they involve a certain amount of physical work but can easily be paced or done in chunks.

The Littles became terrified about having to say we don't have a cleaner and what the fallout from that might be. I chose simply to ignore the part about the cleaner when I replied about some other points raised in the message. Which was on family chat so M will have seen it. This was a couple of days ago so I thought I'd got away with it.

Then yesterday M sent a message on family chat about cleaners. She thought it looked oh-so-casual. Telling me about her new cleaner and then asking me about mine, with an apparently breezy assumption that I have one. Wanting to know how often she came and was she good. I made some comment about being glad she was pleased with her new cleaner and again ignored the questions about mine. The Littles became terrified again. M had already made offers in her gooey messages to pay for transport that I don't want or need and the Littles were terrified that if I tell her I don't have a cleaner she will insist on paying for one. I did my best to tell them that I can and will refuse a cleaner just as I refused her offer of help with transport costs. All these are things I can perfectly well afford if I want them and M knows this. But M has a habit of throwing money at problems she perceives, and providing money for things means she is entitled to ask about them and have contact for the purpose. I slept badly last night over this issue. It's so minor, and yet it's so huge.

Today I got a message from S asking about a safe subject (in her view) which may have been a prelude to asking about the cleaner business. I don't know. That's what the Littles thought, anyway. Then I saw I had missed a call from M and the Littles became even more convinced M wanted to know about the cleaner. So far I have simply been dodging a question I don't believe is their business, but if I get asked directly to my face I will say I do not have and do not want a cleaner and then deal with any fallout. The Littles were not happy but I rang M and we had a very stilted conversation. She made no mention of cleaners. Nor did I. Then I dealt with the message from S and so far nothing has been said about cleaners by her either.

In hindsight what I probably should have done when S first raised the issue was simply to say I don't have a cleaner and leave it at that. I didn't really want to answer her question because I felt it intrusive and also because it made me angry. The reason for that is that it's yet another example of FOO never asking what I want or need, and not listening to anything I say. They just make assumptions and dictate their view of the world. If I hold a different view I am the awkward one. I have made it clear since 2011 that lung issues need more exercise than less and, frankly, very few medical issues are improved by lying back on a bed with a hand to my forehead like some tragic heroine. But they have not heard me because they do not care to listen. It does not fit their world view.

[zen_racer]

I really wanted to say that.  I hope you don't mind my expressing my anger about it, but I do feel angry.  (I hope my anger isn't triggering). 

Thank you for being so caring in connection with anger, Hope. I know I've posted in the past about problems with anger, since my M was such a ball of rage and fury most of the time, and nobody else was allowed to have anger at all. My H tends to have outbursts about minor things, plus a bit of road rage from time to time, and that affects me very badly. So it was interesting to me to see my own reaction to your comment, and then to your acknowledgement that I might be triggered by it.

I wasn't at all triggered by it. In fact it was really helpful to see someone's measured response to what was, indeed, a monstrous thing to do to anyone, let alone a primary school age child. It is good for me to see that anger is a valid emotion in certain circumstances. It is right to feel angry about what my M did. It is good for me to be in a situation where anger has been generated over a situation I was involved in and yet to know with certainty that it wasn't my fault, and the anger is not directed at me, nor will it spill over onto me. In fact you took care to say that you hoped I wouldn't mind. This is a really good example of why interacting on this site is so therapeutic.

 

I want to thank both of you for this, Hope and NK.  I did have a reaction to reading about that part as well, but I didn't even know how to recognize what it was, and was worried about bringing it up.  Like NK, I was never allowed to express anger.  But I was the odd duck in my family with that.  It was okay for my M to rage at everyone.  It was okay for my D to rage at M.  It was okay for my brother to be mad and beat me.  But if I was ever angry, then it was a huge issue.  I too don't know how to express anger appropriately, or recognize it as a good thing.

But even more than that, this exchange is a great example for me to learn from so I can become better at validating experiences and feelings when I'm responding here, and probably in life away from the forum as well.

NK, I'm sorry that happened.  Intentionally burning anyone, let alone a child is monstrous. 


I also relate to this part soooooo much.

"In hindsight what I probably should have done when S first raised the issue was simply to say I don't have a cleaner and leave it at that. I didn't really want to answer her question because I felt it intrusive and also because it made me angry. The reason for that is that it's yet another example of FOO never asking what I want or need, and not listening to anything I say. They just make assumptions and dictate their view of the world. If I hold a different view I am the awkward one. I have made it clear since 2011 that lung issues need more exercise than less and, frankly, very few medical issues are improved by lying back on a bed with a hand to my forehead like some tragic heroine. But they have not heard me because they do not care to listen. It does not fit their world view."

My FOO always assumes I don't know what's best for me regarding anything.  In the past few years, I've started throwing so much stuff away when I directly tell them I don't want something and they bring it to my house anyway.  At this point, I don't care if it was expensive and brand new.  If I told them I don't want it and they bring it here, it does not enter the house.  That 100% refusal to ever hear anything I say or accept that my view point matters, especially when I'm the subject expert, is a lot of the reason I am starting to feel that NC is the only way for me to make any progress in healing.

I'm sorry that your FOO is so similar to mine.  I definitely understand how that is.  The way you explained the questions they've been asking raised alarm bells for me, so I definitely understand your Little's reactions.

  

[NarcKiddo]

In hindsight what I probably should have done when S first raised the issue was simply to say I don't have a cleaner and leave it at that. I didn't really want to answer her question because I felt it intrusive and also because it made me angry.

I had a session with T today and was talking about the latest visit, the walking poles, and 'Cleanergate'. I was also chatting with someone from here the other day and they made an observation that I had not thought of. They very astutely pointed out that if my walking poles, dizzy spells etc were brought up over lunch or during the visit, that would have put all the attention on me. By saying nothing during the visit and then messaging me to say how worried she was, M kept the attention firmly on her.

T and I spent a fair bit of time on Cleanergate because the Littles had such a strong reaction to it. T was exploring that with me. As I said myself in the quote above, if adult NK had been fully in charge here I would nipped the discussion in the bud as soon as S raised it. But I didn't and then when M raised it later I became entrenched in refusing to answer the question. That does not feel like an adult response, and I had started to wonder if teenage NK had got in on the act. Little NK was abjectly terrified that we were going to have a cleaner forced upon us, but that's her only involvement, I think. But my first reaction to the suggestion was angry, not scared. I realised that the reaction was angry because someone (Teenage NK) had immediately smelled a rat. She knew the cleaner issue did not come from S. This was S doing M's bidding, and part of the refusal to respond to S was to flush out M. Which of course happened when M messaged on the subject later.

I realised this because I was exploring what about the cleaner issue had made me angry. The message from S was very long and the cleaner was only a small part of it. The rest of it was her usual questions about my condition. She has always done this - asked endless questions to appear interested. But I had time to answer them and although they were a bit annoying I was OK with replying, and I did. At length, until S got bored and stopped. The questions that were genuinely from S did not trigger me in the way the cleaner question did. They were irksome, but straight from S. Teenage NK had spotted the triangulation in the cleaner question at once. Unfortunately adult NK did not, because I was so busy dealing with Little NK's worry.

Thank you, Teenage NK, for spotting what I did not and for making sure M was flushed out so your point could be proved. I think you were a bit spooked by Little NK possibly falling for the gooey, hoovering messages, and wanted to make sure the situation was exposed for what it was.

[Blueberry]

Just want to say I read your post, NK. Good for you on figuring out what went on between Teenage you, Little you and Adult you.