I Am

[Bach]

Hope, thank you for your reply and your encouraging words.  I think over the past few years I've sort of lost my expectation that I can change, but today I feel like I might be able to get it back and start to progress again.  That's a refreshing feeling. 

I appreciate this community and all responses to my posts!  I wish I didn't have such a hard time participating here.  I never know the "right" words, not to say to myself or to others.  I'll keep trying, or trying to try, or something. 

[Hope67]

 

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Hope. You have listed some good progress points. It seems like progress has ben incremental and you haven't really noticed it. Your post makes it seems like you're still not fully noticing it. Or maybe it's not that you are not noticing it so much as not feeling it. I am glad you have written it down at least and hope you will soon start feeling it more.

 

[sanmagic7]

so glad for your progress, bach, be it big or small, it all counts.  and that feeling of being able to get back to more progressing is beautiful, for sure.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[Bach]

My mental health is fragile today.  Maybe a backlash from yesterday's good productive day.  She's right, I can't stand to feel good.  I never notice what I'm doing to undermine positive feelings until after I've done it. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, personally, i think that's a tough one to break thru.  if we weren't raised being made to feel good, we don't have experience with it, it can feel foreign, unusual, even distressing.  it takes time and practice to undo the harm done to us.  being able to recognize it, tho, to my mind, is a huge first step.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs

[Bach]

bach, personally, i think that's a tough one to break thru.  if we weren't raised being made to feel good, we don't have experience with it, it can feel foreign, unusual, even distressing.  it takes time and practice to undo the harm done to us.  being able to recognize it, tho, to my mind, is a huge first step.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs

I do feel that my increasing ability to notice myself performing that pattern is a step toward the breaking of it.  The biggest problem I have with this and everything else is that I have no patience for the process, or really for any process.  For sure I need to get a handle on that.  I do tend to ignore or discount bits of progress because they're all SO SMALL.

[sanmagic7]

i get it, bach, i do, about the patience thing and the progress being so small and slow.  i also know you've heard it here that every step counts, no matter how small.  so, may i invite you to begin the next step of knowing that? you're doing the best you can with what you've been given in life, and all these little tiny steps do add up over time.  just keep at it, ok?  sending love and a hug full of patience and knowing

[HannahOne]

I relate to the struggle with small, slow progress, Bach. I try to remember that trauma is "too much too fast" so healing has to be a little and slow. I can only go as fast as the slowest part of me. Rooting for you!

[NarcKiddo]

I do tend to ignore or discount bits of progress because they're all SO SMALL

That's a very easy trap to fall into. I only got out of it to any extent when I got into my fitness pursuits and past the 'newbie gains' which one can usually amass quite fast. Then things became a grind and if I was not going to give up I had to find ways of pointing to progress. Hence turning into a total data nerd where fitness is concerned.

However, the big picture matters too. Even if you are inclined to ignore or discount bits of progress, they are still happening. And you are noticing differences in how you are reacting now compared to how you were reacting months or years ago. That's important. I remember training for an open water swimming event where I had to swim a mile. Mostly the training was in my local pool so I could count laps. That was a process of noticing the small steps. Then we went on holiday where there was a lake that was about a mile wide. I decided to swim across the lake, and my husband accompanied me on a boat so he could bring me back. I was heading for this hut on the other side of the lake, and my gosh. I swam and swam and this ruddy hut NEVER seemed to get any closer. I stopped for a brief rest and looked back at the shore I had left. OMG! How far I had come! If you have trouble keeping score of the little steps, maybe you just need to look back every so often so you can still trust the process. You are recording lots of progress, even if it feels so small that you don't fully count it as progress.

[Moondance]

Hi Bach,

I am recently back on OOTS and have been reading your journal since I am back on  because I recall having a lot in common with you and your journey and I still feel that way. And am so glad you are here still. 

Please disregard below if unhelpful to you and I can delete if you do not want it in your journal. 

When reading your post this morning I could really relate to the feeling or idea of wanting someone to look after me or someone who could make everything better or someone to do all the work for me.  I was then reminded of something I read yesterday about NARM which I think is directly related to what you spoke of this morning.  Those deep inner beliefs that is so a part of us yet, we are, on the surface not aware of.

I'm not sure if you are familiar with NARM.  I am just learning about it myself and find it quite interesting and helpful to me at the moment.

NARM - Neuro affective relational model

NARM focuses on developmental trauma (early life/relational trauma, attachment patterns and identity and self beliefs.

NARM says trauma isn't just what happened to us it's the patterns we had to develop to stay connected and survive.

I am thinking that what your therapist said about "you wanting others to do it all for you" even though you have been working at it really hard yourself is tied in with this concept that wanting others to do it all for us is about the patterns we learnt and had to develop to stay connected and survive.

For example one of the patterns I had to develop to stay connected and survive is to do all things myself.  I could not depend on anyone, I didnt feel I could ask for help from anyone.  The pattern then was to be fiercely independent to stay connected to FOO.  It was and felt entirely scary for me to ask for anything.  Throughout the years though I have had the thought and feeling that I wanted someone to do it all for me, to take me away somewhere safe where I did not have to do anything for myself or others, make everything better, make all the bad stuff go away - do all the work for me because I was exhausted already.

So yes, I can see how these patterns to stay connected, to survive can be so ingrained in us at a young age that we are unaware of them until much later. If ever.  It's part of the relational model we were taught from early on.

I hope this might be helpful to you in some way - if not please disregard.

And you ask, "where does that leave me" now, today. 

I'm not that far ahead but I think it can possibly give us more awareness about ourselves and awareness can be knowledge or better understanding of the patterns we developed from the trauma at such early ages. 

  if okay Bach