Activating myself

[Blueberry]

I went to choir practice this evening. I was a little late because I hadn't been feeling well physically in the afternoon and had actually been lying down for a good few hours, but then I did suddenly decide: Come on, I am going!
It did me good, enlivened me.

In the morning I was late for therapy too, but I cycled there and thought on the way about how good it was that I was going at all, that I was cycling which strengthens my legs and helps me feel strong and independent (as opposed to going on the bus), that I was enjoying the morning sunshine and the autumnal colours on the way.

When I got home after choir, I did my duolingo. Immediately before I went to choir (before I decided to definitely go), I watered bits of the garden that I'm responsible for and hung up my washing that I hadn't had the energy for before.
   

[NarcKiddo]

 
Good for you, BB. 

[HannahOne]

Hooray for choir practice! Cycling! Duolingo!

    

[Blueberry]

Thank you HannahOne 

I was in choir today too, for the evening church service. I did cycle there, but it's only about 5 minutes away. Better a few minutes cycling than no cycling though. I've done a little duolingo. I don't feel very activated today. There have been days where I was even less active.

[Blueberry]

Today at nearly 2am it feels important to note that I suddenly had the wherewithal to cook up some veggies yesterday, followed by opening a pack of rice noodles (put in bowl, pour boiling water over, cover for 5 minutes, drain and add to rest of meal) I got from one of my freebie sources and have an actual warm meal, that actually resembled a meal rather than a haphazard unhealthy snack. 

I've been thinking I really 'should' use up those veggies for days! ( Surprisingly they hadn't gone off and the whole meal tasted fairly good.) But I do know myself well enough to know that I cannot 'just do' whatever when the wherewithal isn't there. Suddenly out of the blue the wherewithal is there, while it wasn't 3 hours before. Such is my life, but it's not bad, it just reinforces the fact that I have phases in which things go better or worse and I haven't so far been able to discover a rhythm for that. There was a time a few years back when the good or fairly stable and fairly active phases seemed to be about 3 weeks long, followed by a week or two of floundering and EFs. I haven't figured out a rhythm this past while. Oh well. I seem to need a lot of rest, then I will have the wherewithal to make a meal for instance, then I need to rest half the day again. I'll see what tomorrow brings!

[HannahOne]

But I do know myself well enough to know that I cannot 'just do' whatever when the wherewithal isn't there. Suddenly out of the blue the wherewithal is there, while it wasn't 3 hours before.

Blueberry, I related so much to this.

It's been frustrating for me.

I still very often struggle to eat, to make a meal on any regular basis. I cook for the kids always but I don't feed myself. I don't have the wherewithal and I can't find the button to push to get it. And then suddenly the wherewithal arrives. Such a good description of the experience!

One thing that's been helping is getting dressed, it seems to "activate" various parts of me into some sort of routine. The other thing that helps is making sure every day I have a meeting r appointment with someone. That also seems to make wherewithal arrive.

It's quite a puzzle! I keep working on it. Solidarity.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for your solidarity HannahOne!

When I'm in phases where the wherewithal is pretty lacking, it's often difficult for me to accept and I'll rail against myself. There are other times like today when I'm much better at accepting myself and my lack of wherewithal, knowing it's probably an EF I'm still floundering around in.

[Blueberry]

Or instead of railing against myself, I may do almost nothing all day. I haven't even eaten today tho I have drunk tea. No, I forgot I did have some oatflakes with milk, but that's not enough.
I didn't even go to T yesterday. T is coming to me next week instead.

I want to do things but then I don't. Especially if it involves getting up and staying up. Feels like SI which I would fortunately never carry out, saved me in my teens too, far too lethargic to do anything to myself. Just zone out and sleep. Or sometimes write on any of three forums.

[HannahOne]

I resonate with the feel of your post, blueberry.

For me, staying in bed seems to be a form of railing, sometimes I feel like staying in bed is a protest. Sometimes it's a form of refusal. I struggle to eat often too. It can feel like SI to me too, I mean food is essential... yet I'm not actively trying to harm myself or even passively trying to harm myself, I just have other priorities than food or activity. Like refusing.

I am glad your T can come to you.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Blueberry]

I was a bit more active today, went food shopping, have eaten and even did a little gardening in the rain.

[HannahOne]

Gardening in the rain! That sounds like the beginning of a poem.

[Blueberry]

Gardening in the rain! That sounds like the beginning of a poem.

Well, I was outside and noticed something needed to be done, which then led to a few other jobs. I got a bit wet despite my raincoat, but it didn't matter because the weather was mild. As soon as I felt a bit vulnerable emotionally, as if somebody could come and start making fun of me in a mean way (that is flashing back to FOO big time), I stopped my jobs and went back in, dried off and warmed up again.

I also noted other garden jobs needing doing, which could inspire me tomorrow. Because I generally quite like doing simpler garden jobs as opposed to say housework.