Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I was hoping to do a blog post tonight but...I have been having such a severe attack of Toxic Shame that I feel exhausted by it. Its so hard currently to find understanding and compassion for myself to offset it. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for seemingly weirdo behaviour from decades ago....the memories just keep attacking me. I wish it would stop. I wish I had had the support and guidance and love and care at the time that I could have had a healthy sense of self who spearheaded my actions instead of floundering and acting out of desperation and hopelessness and misguided fantasy thinking....I wish, I wish, I wish. I'm so sad at all of this and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm angry at myself for not having known everything about everything from a young age to not have ended up like this and angry at myself now for not healing enough to get past this.
Its so hard. Today is a tough day.
The past few days were hard too. 3 days at work where I felt tired, drained and irritable. Lots of people asking me for things from all directions and I ended up snapping at a senior, which may or may not come back to bite me.

I wish I could just be away from myself at the moment, this is so hard 

[TheBigBlue]

That sounds incredibly painful... I'm really sorry you're in this right now. 💛

The way you describe it: those memories coming in waves and turning into shame, that can feel so relentless and exhausting. It makes sense that you're worn down by it.

I hear how much you're wishing things had been different, that you had been supported and held in a way that would have given you something steadier to stand on. There's so much sadness in that ... and also how hard you're being on yourself for things that happened when you didn't have what you needed.

I don't need to say "be compassionate with yourself" - you already know that, and you would say the same to anyone here who is hurting. But the truth is, it can be so, so hard. So no, you don't have to push this away or fix it tonight or pretend. Just getting through a day like this is already a lot.

I'm really glad you shared it here. I resonate with how you feel. You're not alone in this. 💛

[holidayay]

That sounds incredibly painful... I'm really sorry you're in this right now. 💛

The way you describe it: those memories coming in waves and turning into shame, that can feel so relentless and exhausting. It makes sense that you're worn down by it.

I hear how much you're wishing things had been different, that you had been supported and held in a way that would have given you something steadier to stand on. There's so much sadness in that ... and also how hard you're being on yourself for things that happened when you didn't have what you needed.

I don't need to say "be compassionate with yourself" - you already know that, and you would say the same to anyone here who is hurting. But the truth is, it can be so, so hard. So no, you don't have to push this away or fix it tonight or pretend. Just getting through a day like this is already a lot.

I'm really glad you shared it here. I resonate with how you feel. You're not alone in this. 💛

Thank you so much    I can't tell you how much words like this that truly show understanding, help. I read this the other night and it was so soothing, the kindness of others on here is so touching. After everything we all have been through, its remarkable.

I'm feeling a bit better now. The toxic shame lifted. I guess it still is hard to remember, when you are in the thick of it, that everything always lifts, one way or another.

I've come out of toxic shame enough to advocate for myself, strongly. This week, there has been some good news. I looked at my living situation - somewhere I live with my partner and cat, in a very small space, in an area I just don't like - I don't enjoy going out in the neighbourhood at all and I don't feel cosy and comfortable inside either. The area outside has a high road that is so busy and noisy constantly, and there's also youth that just....can be quite intimidating. Last week, a young teen was stabbed outside our road. And our estate agency are so rude, obstructive and do not solve problems that arise and cause us so much extra stress that I realised is just a constant source of additional aggravating factors that I just don't need. It is especially problematic because getting out of the house and going on walks is something that historically has helped me so much....but here, facing the task of leaving the house leaves me with SO MUCH DREAD and fear, and when I DO leave, I am triggered by all the noise and chaos!

So I looked for a new property, in an area I used to live in that I LOVE and spent a lot of time and effort making very familiar (familiarity is such a help with CPTSD!!) and it is close to both mine and my partner's place of work and has good links and is spacious and bright and modern and the landlord seems to have put in a lot of effort, not just made it into a slapdash source of income. And we got accepted for it!! At a reduced price! We negotiated and the landlord agreed, amazingly! We live in a city where there is a big housing crisis and rents are so expensive, that I was scared he wouldn't accept our lower offer but he did! I actually tried some affirmations and 'manifesting' lol. I was sitting on my bed, anxiously ruminating about the possibility of not getting accepted for this perfect new property that meets all our criteria, and thinking the set price was a bit too expensive but the landlord will have many other offers and a lot of the time, there is a bidding war with tenants offering HIGHER rent....and then I thought this is all negative, fearful thinking. So I replaced with my thoughts. I said to myself: 'I deserve a warm, happy home. I deserve to rent this property. I am a good tenant and I work hard. I deserve for the price to be affordable and the landlord to like our application' and visualised myself being accepted and living there. Then we got the call the next day to say it had been accepted with no argument at all about the price we offered! Power of positive thinking? Maybe...

However. There is another side to this. This is where I have had to advocate for myself and it has been a bit heavy and stressful which of course, triggers CPTSD and cue.....bad sleep, bad dreams, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiety and all the rest of it. We have asked our agency to release us from the housing contract earlier than stipulated. Here, the landlord has to agree to an early surrender otherwise you will be held to the full term of the contract. We got the good news already that the landlady of the property agrees to the early surrender, and since the flat is in a popular area, is likely to be re-let quickly. Then...the estate agency, who are notorious for being unscrupulous, have demanded extra fees for this early release.
I - having previously studied law and aware of contract/housing laws, looked at the breakdown of the fees they were demanding and knew they were unlawful. I quote the statutory and case law that I found after doing the research. They continued to be persistent and replied in such an arrogant way completely ignoring what I was stating and being stubborn about their demands. So, I informed them I will raise it with the relevant bodies that the agency is attached to and the local council and submitted a report. They have now gone silent, and I am not sure what to expect next from them but I am just hoping for a quick resolution to this. The stress and fear and uncertainty is the bit that I find very difficult to deal with - my mind ruminates and spits out worst case scenarios and doom thinking - what if we are unable to leave the flat and move into the new house that experience has shown me - is very, very, very difficult to find a property of this calibre, within my budget, in the area I find soothing and calming? I am trying to replace this thinking with more positive thinking too but its a bit tricky. I went to sleep yesterday and had these sorts of busy, rushed, chaotic dreams where I am placed in a situation where I have to solve multiple, complicated problems that are emotional and taxing and then I wake up with the feelings FROM the dreams along with the cortisol and dread  - dreams I now recognise as my mind trying to relay to me that it is stressed and present-day stressors are triggering old, unresolved trauma of a similar, intense calibre where I have to carefully balance, tread a fine line and problem solve on multiple fronts all at once    It makes me so upset with the estate agency....I know to them its just about making their commission (which is part of the fees they are demanding from us) and that estate agents in general are renowned for behaviour like this but it angers me that they just don't care about piling this onto people when everyone is stressed about cost of living and housing and rental prices are the most insane they have ever been. We just cannot afford to pay it and even if we could, the fact that they are unlawful fees is just unacceptable and out of principle, I don't want to let them win! Anyway...I have been fighting at each stage and using my advocacy skills and legal knowledge to the best of my ability but it does take a toll and I do wish this can just wind down now and life can move forward a bit onto more calm waters where I can focus more on my healing.

I'll try to continue my positive thinking. That the dispute with agency can be resolved soon, that we will be released from this contract without further aggravation and that our move in to the new property will bring a new, fresh chapter in my life. It comes with a garden...eek! The thought of having summer barbecues in my very own garden is so exciting!

[Blueberry]

  So, so happy for you about the new place, and about your ability to visualise and lean into you getting the place!

I feel and understand your utter frustration at the estate agency trying to gouge money out of you for leaving the contract early, even if it is their legal right. I'm sure they could find another tenant fast. There's a shortage of affordable housing all over the place rn. Hoping your visualisation work continues to help you here. 

[holidayay]

So, so happy for you about the new place, and about your ability to visualise and lean into you getting the place!

I feel and understand your utter frustration at the estate agency trying to gouge money out of you for leaving the contract early, even if it is their legal right. I'm sure they could find another tenant fast. There's a shortage of affordable housing all over the place rn. Hoping your visualisation work continues to help you here. 

Thank you Blueberry.
Good news - they have now agreed the fee of over 3K doesn't need to be paid!    Hallelujah. Its been a very interesting learning process, delving into Property Law and tenants' rights in the UK. I have learnt a LOT. Turns out, a lot of these fees are questionable and even unlawful. Estate agents rely on tenants not knowing complex areas of law to get away with this, I'm glad I was able to find out what the true legal standing is, life is far too expensive these days to have a few grand lying around to pay off random fees. Anyway, you are right, there are lots of people looking for homes and they've already lined up viewings for people who are interested. Hopefully it will be a fast process from here on out and in 5 weeks, we'll be in our new home!

In other news...the Easter weekend has been a difficult time. I worked some shifts the first two days, which I found to be quite demanding and stressful. Skeleton staff at the hospital, big workload on those of us who were there. I managed to get through it...but the stress triggered off bad dreams, which triggered off flashbacks....which all together, left me exhausted and dissociated. I had Easter plans for yesterday, but had absolutely no energy to go. So I cancelled and tried to do self-care, then went on a walk. It helped a bit...but the flashbacks were occurring - sometimes by seeing things that have significance from past, unresolved things....like rivers and houses. Random things when said out of context. I had therapy this morning though, so I made a note of them as they were happening and we were able to talk about them and work through them. I cried a lot. But finally, the knot in my stomach lifted and the heaviness in my head eased off.
Trauma work isn't easy, eh? We just have to try our best to carry on.
My therapist gave me a couple of exercises to try in between sessions so I have some tools. Let's see.
I have today off before a busy 5 days of work. Hopefully I'll be able to take care of myself and get through these shifts and maybe even enjoy it.

But...I'm starting to feel some hope again. Hope that replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can help. Hope that I can determine my future. Hope that with small changes and being conscious my decision-making, life can look a bit different. Then joy and ease can return.

[NarcKiddo]

I guess it still is hard to remember, when you are in the thick of it, that everything always lifts, one way or another.

Oh, yes, it is so hard to remember when you're in the thick of it. One way I can spot that I am actually in an EF is because it feels like the unpleasant emotion will last FOR EVER and the only way of stopping that is for me to DO SOMETHING. It's really difficult just to grit one's teeth and sit with the emotion until it passes. And when it does it's really important to notice that it has gone, so as to help remember that next time. Except noticing it is difficult too!

Well done for doing your research and getting the estate agents to back down on the fee.