Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[NarcKiddo]

 

[zen_racer]

I thought I had time to put off thinking about how I should deal with family when I'm finally acknowledging how bad the trauma actually was.  My B texted today.  Apparently he planned some thing at this house, probably on the group text I have blocked.  I tried to ignore it and didn't respond.  There is a 0% chance that I'll ever bring up anything to anyone in my family.  That would be pointless and just lead to more trauma from them.

I don't want to have to deal with them anymore.  I don't want to give any explanation or hear anything they'd say about it.  Maybe that's just an outburst, maybe it finally needs to happen.  I don't know.

At least for today, I ran away from that obligation and followed through with my plans and took the motorcycle to a park and went on a 3 mile hike.  It's my first time back to this trail since graduating from PT for stabilizer muscle loss from when my gallbladder went bad.  I can do that hike a lot easier now.  It climbs about 41 flights of stairs worth of elevation, according to the health app.  Along the way I stopped and had a photo shoot with a red fox that was on the trail that ran up a short cliff and then posed for me on top of the rocks.  It almost felt like a sign and I wanted to stay to see what would happen, but instead I thanked the fox and wandered away down the trail.  For a good portion of the hike, I listened to music on earbuds.

I'm so much more tired than I would be if the hike were not accompanied by an emotional journey as well.  But I want to try to do self care better on this 3 day weekend since I finally have a little time, so I'm going to lay down and take a nap.