the next step

[sanmagic7]

thanks, NK.  i do feel better today. 

ready to do another round of processing the grief inside (and whatever is attached to it) but in a much smaller piece this time.  i've been told how brave i am, how much courage i've exhibited by continuing this processing on my own.  i said i didn't feel brave or courageous, cuz i've always heard those states of being come from doing something that one has fear about, but doing it despite the fear.

until now, i haven't felt any fear about doing this processing, so it never felt like a brave thing to do.  since i fired my T, am waiting to hear from someone next month, i thought i'd tackle this area of grief that i'd never done before, mainly cuz i didn't have the feelings usually attached to it.  didn't/couldn't recognize the stages, cuz i was already working hard to survive that particular loss.  now, however, since the seizure, i do feel fear.  i can't trust my brain, which is what emdr/flash technique is all about, and it happened during a Flash episode.

so, yes, now i can consider myself brave, even courageous, to tackle another bit of this grieving stuff, but it's going to be a small, yet powerful bit.  it's the loss of my dog, who had been with me thru all the awfulness of my first marriage, and when i left, he didn't want to be married anymore, i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, found a girlfriend in another state who had room, moved there on my own, and my dog was able to come w/ me.  w/in a month, i was told the landlady didn't want the dog there anymore, and i had to send him back.

i had survived everything up to that point, but having to get rid of him was the straw that broke my camel's back.  i've already written about what came after, but losing my dog is something i've never grieved, and while it's a small part of my story, to me it's one of the most powerful and heartbreaking parts.  it almost did me in.  so, i believe the loss of my dog deserves to be properly grieved, and i'll do that later today.  wish me luck.  i am scared.

[HannahOne]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog, SM7. You were in a difficult situation and had to survive. Our pets are companions and attachment figures and losing them is very painful. It makes sense you would need to grieve this. Sending you virtual flowers in honor of your beloved dog, and tissues for the tears. Grief is love that now has no place to go. Your dog is gone, and the love remains.

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, thank you so.  the love does remain, only i didn't know that until i went after it.

my processing was brief yesterday, but fruitful.  i did it immediately after writing here on the forum, so everything about that precise period of time in my life was still at the fore.  when i began, i almost immediately saw my dog funning across the grass at the top of my mind.  he was always so beautiful to see when he ran, and altho i 'flashed' several times, that was the image that stayed.  tears were on the brink, but never fell.  still, i know i carry my dog w/ me - he has still been my one constant thru everything, but now i have this image of him to pull on and i love it. no one can take him away from me again.

[sanmagic7]

reading over my reply, i felt more whole, as if a piece of me fell into place that i didn't know was missing.  that whole story about my dog certainly wasn't about him, per se, only that he marked the last straw of what i had gone thru for 2 months of my life.  he didn't die, but i had to let go of him, send him away, and that's what broke my camel's back.

looking back on that last sentence, i realized how much i was dealing with at a particularly vulnerable time in my life, not only on the outside, but inside my body as well, including being hormonal which comes w/ pregnancy.  i'm amazed i was able to hang on as long as i did, was able to make the decisions i did, and because of my maternal instinct, was able to stay alive and make plans to keep not only my life, but then the life of a newborn as well.  dang!  it reiterates the amount of strength i've been able to pull on at the lowest, worst times of my life.

no wonder my brain exploded when trying to process that marriage as a whole. 

since i've been able to successfully process the loss of my dog now, i'm trying to think what i might want to process next from that marriage or about that husband.  a scene just came to mind where he visited me in the hospital w/ his mother the day after i gave birth.  he decided to hold the baby, but w/ a caveat - 'she better not throw up on my new $300 suit."

i was lying in a state-run hospital, living at a friend's house, on welfare, he'd given me $75 the day i left our home, hadn't brought any money for me this day, so i was living in poverty and he was bragging about how much his suit cost.  ok, i can feel the anger rising up - at the time i didn't feel it, i was just enduring the circumstances.  i also feel a pain in my chest, near the left side of my heart.  yeah, he rained down a lot of hurt and pain on me in so many ways, and i'm beginning to feel it now.

[sanmagic7]

well, i did the processing of about 1/2 hr. of him visiting me in the hospital the day after our baby was born.  actually, it feels weird to use the word 'our' when he had so little to do with her.  i pounded the bed to get some of the anger and whatever other emotions might be inside, the pain went away, but the rest of the day i could feel the effects of processing just that 1/2 hr.  still, the picture of him and his mother standing around my hospital bed became very, very small.  if i dredge it up in my mind right now, they look absolutely wooden, 2 wooden dolls in a hospital room looking at me, blank expressions on their faces.

at the time i remember thinking 'how nice, they came to visit and see the baby'.  now it feels like it was a duty thing, like grandma wanted to see her latest grandbaby - she never held her, nor ever saw her again.  all in all, again, i was enduring, happy to get crumbs.  they're both dead now, but the memories linger.  i find no joy in that visit, and i'm glad it's over.  but it was distressing to me cuz it brought up more realizations about how glad i was to get any kind of attention from a man, to think of any kindness as something to fall in love with.  so needy, huge craving for touch and something caring.

that all sounds like something to remember for next week's project.  there's so much attached to that man, still.  i want to clean it out, clear out the things i didn't get, the huge amount of gratitude for any crumb i did get that kept me hopeful.  what a sorry state of affairs.  but i've got to give my brain some rest, so i'll do my best to wait till monday.

[Marcine]

San, I very much resonate with the feeling of "gratitude for any crumb i did get that kept me hopeful.  what a sorry state of affairs."

Your journal entries chronicle this epic journey in this amazing tone of complete involvement, deep emotions, and lucid processing.

I am in awe at your motivation and determination and stamina.

[SenseOrgan]

I may be very busy and therefore not very active here currently, but you and others here are in my toughts. I admire your courage to visit the dark places inside, to process so many experiences you went through. Including writing about your angry thoughts here, a while ago. That is very brave of you to do. The idea that you only got crumbs of affection pains me. I've come to know you as a wonderful person who deserves so much more than that.

Much love

[sanmagic7]

marcine, thank you for your kindness and compassion.  yeah, crumbs.  maybe i'll write a book about that whole phenomenon. 

SO, i so appreciate your time and energy to support me and care about me.  thank you so much.  this does not feel like a crumb, not at all, and it's wonderful.

so, thinking about how i want to frame this next part of clearing out and cleaning up the detritus left behind by my first husband/marriage.  there was a r* at some point.  i didn't realize it at the time, but i see it that way now.  yeah, just the mention of that sent all kinds of distress running thru my torso.  i think i'll go with that.

[HannahOne]

Both the processing and the rest are important, SM7. You're keeping up with both and that's self-care, minding the balance. I'm sorry you went through this pain, and glad the picture is so small now. Those are such helpful tools, to be able to make the picture smaller, black and white, soundless. These are also acts of self-care.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hannah1, for your care and validation.  so appreciated.

i'm glad to have re-read this - i totally forgot what i was going to focus on for my next project.  but, yeah, what i wrote would be good.  when i look back on it, it is i am i look so pitiful in that picture.  i need to make that picture much smaller, and get some of the anger out, besides the other feelings and emotions that i'm not even sure of but must've been there as well.  like humiliation, submission (just thought of that one) w/o consent, feeling small, worthless, dehumanized, dismissed, and whatever else might be in there.

i'm a little tentative about this right now because i had a very emotional day yesterday, just weepy, no focus on what it might be about except for this book i'm reading which brought up all kinds of questions, and the fact that my D finally asked me to send over one of the books i've written so as to start editing it and eventually publishing it.  it's been a dream of mine to have a novel published for a very long time.  i do have a self-help book and a paper in a professional journal, but getting a novel in that arena would put the cherry on that cake.

i've thought about this since i've been in my 30's, remember talking to a counselor about it, and how hard a time i had w/ being imaginative re: storytelling.  i could speak stories, as in anecdotes, but i was never able to make them up, never able to tell stories to my girls when they were young.  i found out much later that being w/o an imagination is part of alexithymia.  yet, i could be very imaginative in my therapeutic approach, and i've been able to write these 3 novels (2 i'm still working on).

the difference, i believe, is that i can be creative when it has a purpose.  to me, creativity in therapy means reaching a person where they live, so to speak, so it can often come to me how to create a situation, a sentence, a goal that will help someone move closer to where they want to be.  the idea w/ the novels has been to have them be published by my D's own publishing house, so to speak, which would bring in more money for her.  the creativity is attached to helping her make a  better living, rather than doing it for its own sake.  that's what i'm not able to do very well.

so, we'll see.  i'm still a little rocky from all that yesterday, so i may need to leave the 'project processing' for a few days from now. 

[NarcKiddo]

Well done on getting to this stage with the novel. I think it's great that your D has her own publishing house and this can be a joint project.

[zen_racer]

sanmagic, that sounds like a great project.  I can relate to not being good at stuff if it's for me.  It's nice that you've found a way to work on the novel to help your D's business.  In my case, it was cooking food.  It just never seemed like it was worth spending the time if the food was only for me, but if anyone else was there to eat, I could do it.

I also apologize for it taking a while for me to comment on your journal.  To be honest, I thought I already had.  I know I typed in a response to your previous post where I related to the crumbs part.  I can't remember why I didn't actually post it.

[Marcine]

Hi San,
How beautiful that you let your creativity run its own course, without forcing it. I'm happy to hear your dream of getting a novel out in the world is coming closer.

I also think it's beautiful that your creativity is linked to purpose outside yourself. That sounds like it feels good to you, which of course benefits your very self.

[sanmagic7]

thank you NK, for the support.  it's an indie publishing thing, not a big business thing.  she publishes all her own stuff, and is able to include my stuff in w/ hers, basically.  still, whoever is writing, it's all coming back to the same place.  that's the point.

ZR, i'm glad to see you here.  thanks for the support.  i appreciate it.

hey, marcine, thank you for that perspective.  i never thought of my creativity as being beautiful cuz it's mostly been linked to others.  i appreciate the support.

i realized something last nite about having something given to me by someone else.  i know how to take gifts, i know how to get what i need/want most of the time, but i don't know how to receive what's being offered to me.  that counts for everything and everyone - including the people on this forum.  so, i'm in transition right now, learning how to receive, what it means, how to feel about it, what to do with all of that.

part of it is linked to not being able to feel, being disconnected from what's being said or given.  going thru the motions most of the time - this is not an all the time thing.  it's like there have been very few times in my life, altho it's been said to me many, many times, where i could actually 'feel' the love someone has offered me when they've told me they love me.  i can count on one hand how many times i've actually felt that love, even from my D, and only once from a husband.

never having heard the words as a kid/adolescent, even my first long-term relationship w/ the guy i thought i was going to marry, the words weren't even there from him.  i've been able to say the words and mean them, know that i loved whoever, but i have rarely been able to feel that love, even toward my children.  so, feeling things, intent, and being able to receive in a meaningful something given w/ care, kindness, affection, love is/has been foreign to me.  and i'm struggling with that realization now.

ooooof.  a book i was given has a passage that struck a chord so deep inside, and it broke open the brick that's been sitting on the whole receiving thing, which i didn't even know was there, certainly didn't know what it meant for me, has been hidden from me, and it brought tears and anger.  tears because of the message of the passage, and anger at the person who gave it to me, which then morphed into anger at what the lack of knowledge of how to receive means. 

so i'm sitting with this today, and it's uncomfortable.