Harorudo's Recovery Journal

[Harorudo]

Well I guess I should start eh, though really I'm not sure where to actually begin. Heh. This entry might be short for now just a heads up. I joined here not too long ago hoping to find a nice, friendly place with kind  individuals here to speak with. This forum is my last shot at having a social life of any kind.

I know you're probably like you have people in person. I only have my family and therapist honestly. I don't trust people where I reside due to trying over and over meeting the wrong types. Also there into things I'm not as being an adult now. Most about myself is on posts here around the forum if you want to know more about me.

More details that I'm willing to share will be mostly in my journal for now. I'm hoping this place works out for me though I'm trying to focus on the present not future. Well that's it for now. You may call me Haro on here if you wish.

Till next time..

[Harorudo]

I just wanted to write some more here, or really just express myself with my current thoughts. I'm scared I wont fit in here, this forum. I've been to many forums and all of the ended badly for me. Me being hurt in someway form the people. I sense so far this place is quiet atm or just not too active due to other folks lives being busy or just not as active previous years. Which is fine with me and don't mind it. I just hope I can find or talk to people on here taking my time of coarse that will understand me or somewhat would.

I've been let down all my life by people and still I care for others. I just don't trust as easily like others do. I'm not sure what else to say at this time I just hope this place works out for me as my therapist said give this a try.

Till next time..

[Marcine]

Hi Haro,
Yay for starting your journal!

I hope being a part of OOTS gives you a sense of connection and camaraderie with considerate, compassionate, good folks. I cherish that about the forum.

I've come to appreciate the organic pace of activity here, no rush and no pressure. Plus, the wealth of experiences shared on the forum is vast and inspiring. I can always find interesting and insightful past posts and threads to peruse. This helps me feel connected and gives me nourishing food for thought.

You took a risk "to give it a try". That already sounds like a win in the Haro column!

[HannahOne]

Welcome Harorudo!

I have found this forum to be very kind and welcoming, more than any other. Of course conflict is part of life, but here people are generally careful to tread lightly with one another as we are all dealing with CPTSD and try to support each other.

Take your time here to feel comfortable, you don't have to share anything anytime soon, it's at your own pace. And without knowing any details, just that we know you're here and have CPTSD gives us plenty to know about and connect to. We're all in this together.

It's courageous just to make a post, and you've done that. Hurray!

Wishing you well in your healing process!

[Harorudo]

Hi Haro,
Yay for starting your journal!

I hope being a part of OOTS gives you a sense of connection and camaraderie with considerate, compassionate, good folks. I cherish that about the forum.

I've come to appreciate the organic pace of activity here, no rush and no pressure. Plus, the wealth of experiences shared on the forum is vast and inspiring. I can always find interesting and insightful past posts and threads to peruse. This helps me feel connected and gives me nourishing food for thought.

You took a risk "to give it a try". That already sounds like a win in the Haro column!

Thank you for the reply I really appreciate it. So far I am liking this place it seems peaceful and relaxing so far. True you're right I took a risk, though I still have doubts. However it's more feeling good about this place.

Welcome Harorudo!

I have found this forum to be very kind and welcoming, more than any other. Of course conflict is part of life, but here people are generally careful to tread lightly with one another as we are all dealing with CPTSD and try to support each other.

Take your time here to feel comfortable, you don't have to share anything anytime soon, it's at your own pace. And without knowing any details, just that we know you're here and have CPTSD gives us plenty to know about and connect to. We're all in this together.

It's courageous just to make a post, and you've done that. Hurray!

Wishing you well in your healing process!

Thank you for thinking I'm brave I know over the years it was very hard for me to be brave and stand up for myself even other's I cared for. I like the fact this forum focuses on CPTSD more than other mental health. Not saying they don't count or just as bad it's just other forums barely talk about it, Ive been on. So I'm happy I found this one.

--------

Both you please take care and I'll be posting a new entry soon or later tonight sometime.

[Harorudo]

Today was not as " interesting " as I thought it could be. Just basic spending time with my mother and older sister watching TV shows and me not caring much for it. To be honest I rather go places, play board games, or do some arts and crafts stuff. Like we used to do sorta as a family or just my Sis and I.

Sadly they're at a age or just them personally not wanting to do much of that just sit on there butts, eating, watching TV or talking about things I can't talk about, all day. We go places rarely due to gas being so high. I don't drive due to my learning disability and autism. And still at times I'm afraid to go by myself anywhere.

I have no social life, no one to talk to around my age or in there twenties. I'm alone and part of me is liking it more and more. No one understands me nor accepts me. I'm not sure what to fully think even feel anymore. I lost count of so many people online and in person hurting me.

Sorry if this is depressing it's just what's on my mind atm. Well I'll leave it as this thank you for reading.

Till next time..

[Harorudo]

Today I was by myself for half of it and in that time spending alone I felt ok. Ok to the point I feel fine by myself then a weird knock at my door happened and it wasn't my sister. After a while being scared and freaking out thinking it was my sister. I started feeling better understanding this is the world we live in today and it's not that perfect and maybe safe?

I really want to move and hopefully we can find something in the autumn time when school starts back up. More or less a long story though I will say our landlord is a real piece of work, I think slum. However maybe I'm confused about that part and I admit I can be wrong. I feel the urge now during the night time to be on my own though I know I'm far from ready too.

There will be a lot of steps I need to do in order too. Though I'll leave that thought now behind and think positive or about something else productive / helpful. I going write in my real journal tonight soon probably after this to be honest so I don't forget. So this one will be short blurbs of thoughts, feelings or what ever I feel like saying.

I hope everyone is doing there best and is doing well, take care.

Till next time..

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, Haro. It's quite a big step to start a journal, I think. You don't know us yet and we don't know you and the main way for that situation to be different is of course to start your journal. But I agree with the others that it was a brave step to take, and I'm glad you did.

The activity on the forum ebbs and flows. You'll get used to it over time. When I started writing a journal I thought I would find it really important to get feedback from others on what I wrote. But actually I find the most helpful part of writing a journal is just to get the words 'out there'. To know that they are there to be read by others. Sometimes others are not sure what to say, sometimes they read but don't have the emotional bandwidth to reply. You may find people sometimes just leave an emoticon (often a hug, if you are OK with those) just to let you know that you have been heard.

You said your therapist suggested you give this a try. I'm just curious - did they specifically point you to the OOTS forum? (You don't have to answer if you don't want to)

[Harorudo]

Hi NarcKiddo,

Thank you for the advice and information about this place, I appreciate it. Well I was talking to my therapist tired of people hurting me online and in person since that's all I ever knew and still get let down by people today. We've been discussing just only talking to my family and her my therapist only for the rest of my life. True extreme and sounds lonely and pathetic but I love being alone since technically I'm afraid of people, pretty bad. Like getting to close and all that.

I wrote my story on here in the relationship thread on what people did to me for years since age 12 and still happens now. More details will be explained in private since I don't want to trigger anyone. Though it's messed up what people did to me and still do. Other than this not sure what else to say. I already accepted it and if no one can accept me I guess I'm on my own. Which I'm rather good with. I'm unlucky when it comes to people.

[Harorudo]

Hello dear readers, today was actually somewhat productive for me, even though my dreams made it somewhat hard when waking up starting my day. I managed through it, I think.  I started my clothes early after my sister left for work since it was going be in the 90s F again.

Boy I " sure ".. love  the heat. ( -,.,- ) NOT! I really hope it cools down asap. I want to breath in fresh air ( windows open ) and wear my pretty autumn clothes that make me feel confident and more my feminine self. I remember in the past I was more a boyish girl and didn't care what I wore.

After a while I guess I wanted a certain style or aesthetic to my wardrobe.  Honestly it isn't that grand more cottage core, grandma ish in a chic way like Victorian or Pride and Prejudice my favorite movie. ( Yet to read the book ) way. Lastly minimalistic and yes some non colors.

I do love all colors don't get me wrong I know being multiracial certain colors look good or pretty on me more. My family even random people told me when out and about. I'm one that loves beige too even white the most. However I still have things in my room and wardrobe that's different colors.

More about me being a minimalist and why I got into it as well my Japanese heritage more and honor  it, another time.  I'm not sure what else to say now though I had a good day doing things. So I'll shall take my leave now take care dear readers!

Till next time.. 💛