Ran's journey

[Chart]

I'm not sure how I am standing. It's a complete miracle while also having born weak.

Ran, I hear your struggle. It sounds very hard... and very familiar. I agree there is something "miraculous" in your story. That you are still fighting and living shows the power of your resilience. When one part of us is weak, another part compensates with strength.

From what you describe, I would agree that your symptoms are neurological. And it seems clear it comes from trauma.

This is the condition we are in and must try to understand and grow through. It's hard, but I believe it's not impossible (most days :-)

Finding health and balance after trauma is the hardest thing we can face.

Sending love and support.
Chart
 

[Ran]

I haven't written here for a very long time.

Honestly I have been doing a lot of reflection.

I can't undo my past, but I can break the generational trauma patterns, so all of this would stop with me.

I also deal with my chronic illnesses that make this all harder. I have HEDS - Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and DiGeorge Syndrome.

For so long I have lived under immense pressure from my dad and his side of the family and dealt with different kind of pressure from my mom's side of the family. That pressure alone almost disabled me fully. They wanted to control me and erase my core self, that was too much for them to handle, but they couldn't. They made me into a caregiver, but they couldn't make me into their servant. My rebellious and wild soul isn't made to be restricted.

Trauma is stored within the body. Your body truly does keep the score.

I lived under control, fear and neglect while being physically fragile and sensitive kid who had her own needs that just simply were never fullfilled. There was no substance and no one teached me how to deal with strong emotions.

I don't plan on keeping my core self under wraps much longer. I'm possibly nonbinary, but I will let my genderfluidity be around as I want to embrace myself fully.

I will be opening that heavy door that I was scared of.

[Ran]

TW: grief

Ever since 2020 I have dealt with several losses and it all has become chronic or accumulative grief. It started with loss of identity (professional followed by personal identity), followed by loss of my grandmother, then loss of my grandfather (though I wasn't too close with him), loss of friends, loss of 5 communities (with one of them I had awful panic attack).

It has been grief on top of grief and I have been feeling stuck unable to process and cope with it on my own. I need support, but I cannot afford therapy and public therapy has 2 year waitlist.

I do have friends, but my friends have problems too and I can't exactly talk to my family as firstly they are the cause of my trauma and they don't know even half of my story.

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry for what you've been going through, Ran.  With my past, I also know what it's like to have loss after loss after loss.  It's difficult when you don't have anyway to talk to.  I know what that's like too.  I spent so long having no one to talk to about things that now, even though I do have one or two people to talk to, I never think to reach out to them.

You're not alone here though.

Virtual hugs, if that's okay. 

[Ran]

I'm sorry for what you've been going through, Ran.  With my past, I also know what it's like to have loss after loss after loss.  It's difficult when you don't have anyway to talk to.  I know what that's like too.  I spent so long having no one to talk to about things that now, even though I do have one or two people to talk to, I never think to reach out to them.

You're not alone here though.

Virtual hugs, if that's okay. 

Hugs to you too. It's tough. Isolation, even though there tehnically are people you could talk to.

I just know went through my whole story analysis. It's a story, but with heavy loaded stories no one really knows what to say so you don't get replies even if there are places where you can tell it.

[zen_racer]

I could see that.  I know there have been a couple posts since I've been here where I didn't reply because I was scared I'd say the wrong thing.  I'm still fairly new here, and doing my best to be supportive.  Sometimes, I'm going through too much.

And then I reread my own responses, and find things like in my response to you where I used the word anyway instead of anyone.  LOL

I'm sorry it's been that way for you.

[HannahOne]

Dear Ran, I don't know your whole journal but I wanted to respond to your recent post about the losses of the pandemic and the grief you're experiencing. I was so sorry to read about your losses. I identify with you because I had many losses due to the pandemic and have been fighting my way back out of isolation and grief. I lost many friends, my career, and so much of my identity. Since joining the forum some months ago I've started volunteering, cultivated a friend, and am moving through grief. It's really helped to have this virtual community. 

I share that to express that you're not alone in these struggles. I'm so sorry for all that you went through, including loss of your professional and personal identity and your grandparents. Grief is real and needs support and time to feel through.

I have hEDS too. The fatigue and pain are real. I'm sorry you carry that.

I hear that therapy is not accessible. I hope that you can find more support on the forum, maybe a support group, or through books and therapy workbooks. You deserve support.

I realized for me the isolation was really the thing that was keeping me stuck. I'm surrounded by people, yet no one knew me or my situation or my grief. Being here on the forum helped me as people here understand our childhood experiences and CPTSD. Slowly I was able to join an exercise class, or take an art class or join a community hike, and step by step, I've been able to rebuild a life, and thus an identity. People here have cheered me on. My identity crumbled due to losses of roles and relationships. and it could only be rebuilt in relationships. I don't yet have a lot of close friends but just one acquaintance I see weekly at my volunteer job or on a hike helps me feel human again.

I feel compassion for your situation and I hope to encourage and support you in your journey. Please take what you like and ignore the rest.

[Ran]

I could see that.  I know there have been a couple posts since I've been here where I didn't reply because I was scared I'd say the wrong thing.  I'm still fairly new here, and doing my best to be supportive.  Sometimes, I'm going through too much.

And then I reread my own responses, and find things like in my response to you where I used the word anyway instead of anyone.  LOL

I'm sorry it's been that way for you.

It's okay and yeah when I joined first I had the same fears as in my other forum we didn't have to add trigger warnings or anything, but I can adapt. With me well I have some triggers, but I am fairly tough and I was a moderator in other forum elsewhere in past too, not anymore though. I adviced a lot of people. Including those who were in a very bad place. In ways it gave me sense of purpose. I'm just outgrown that place as I need now different kind of support. Forums overall have been my support network. Made even lifelong friends through them.

[Ran]

Dear Ran, I don't know your whole journal but I wanted to respond to your recent post about the losses of the pandemic and the grief you're experiencing. I was so sorry to read about your losses. I identify with you because I had many losses due to the pandemic and have been fighting my way back out of isolation and grief. I lost many friends, my career, and so much of my identity. Since joining the forum some months ago I've started volunteering, cultivated a friend, and am moving through grief. It's really helped to have this virtual community. 

I share that to express that you're not alone in these struggles. I'm so sorry for all that you went through, including loss of your professional and personal identity and your grandparents. Grief is real and needs support and time to feel through.

I have hEDS too. The fatigue and pain are real. I'm sorry you carry that.

I hear that therapy is not accessible. I hope that you can find more support on the forum, maybe a support group, or through books and therapy workbooks. You deserve support.

I realized for me the isolation was really the thing that was keeping me stuck. I'm surrounded by people, yet no one knew me or my situation or my grief. Being here on the forum helped me as people here understand our childhood experiences and CPTSD. Slowly I was able to join an exercise class, or take an art class or join a community hike, and step by step, I've been able to rebuild a life, and thus an identity. People here have cheered me on. My identity crumbled due to losses of roles and relationships. and it could only be rebuilt in relationships. I don't yet have a lot of close friends but just one acquaintance I see weekly at my volunteer job or on a hike helps me feel human again.

I feel compassion for your situation and I hope to encourage and support you in your journey. Please take what you like and ignore the rest.

Thank you. You are very kind.
Hugs your way if you want or need them.

After this I will put down my full story as I have clarity about it all now.

I hope I can be more active on this forum too.

I am in many ways healing, but I think I need to talk about it and what I'm planning.

[Ran]

TW: gender, body image, sexuality, control, self erasure, depersnonalisation, dissassociation

I feel that I'm starting a new chapter of my life.

I graduated vocational school at 2018. Worked as caregiver a bit until 2020, then at my 30th birthday I had that identity crisis, before this actually too, but I didn't realize it was.

When I graduated 9th grade as a 16 year old (I went to school as I turned 8, so year later), then I was already failing as I didn't get into home highschool due to one history grade. I wasn't even allowed to try out, even though I imagined I was there until I will graduate highschool. In ways it was a relief to get away from bullies, but it was also new as I didn't know who I wanted to become or what I should pursue as in the eyes of my family I was talentless, but they still compared me to my mom's sister kids and my dad's sister kids were also smart and they all had more opportunities than me.

I at first thought of going to vocational school as I would get profession with high school education, but that was dissaproved as getting profession while getting highschool degree is very hard. They already failed me.

Then I just went into adult high school what was actually good for me as my grades were best they ever were. I was atill bad at math though. Being bad at math and talentless defined my entire existence.

When I graduated highschool I thought I'd go study to become a tailor as being tailor was concidered respectable, especially if you became someone who made men's suits, even if my grandma finished for me most of my 7th to 9th grade home economics knitting and sewing projects. It was a lot more difficult as I anticipated as it did took logic kinda similar to math. I only managed to last one year.

Then it was time to figure something else out. I was jobless though and then I went to was dishes at a pizza place as a summer job. I managed to last entire summer working at 40 degrees of celcius. Not anymore.

Then I went to study Information Tehnology, but again managed only one year as this as well needed logic. I was bad at coding. I didn't get into any universities though I tried and even bettered my highschool exam results a bit, even did biology exam to hopefully fulfill my childhood dream of studying marine biology, but my exam results were bad despite having only A's in biology.

Then my aunt (dad's sister, the narssistic one I have now disowned) asked me a favour of looking after her mother in law who was very old and they wanted to travel and as I was jobless again and wasn't studying she'd pay me too and I accepted despite having no caregiving experience. This experience made me want to go and study medicine as I had a frightning incident and it took me into panic mode as I called an ambulance.

Then it was caregiving (I got in due to my enthusiasm to work in the field even right away) I was studying and I worked too in hospital during my studies (there was incident where things happened that I haven't been able to shake around death, even though I've been told many times it was not my fault) and after in nursing home, then I went into nursing as it felt logical. I did enjoy having routine and stability as a caregiver.

I did worked in emergency care unit too as a caregiver, but health didn't allow me continue. My back couldn't handle being in one position for a long time as you'd help out doctors often. This back pain was worst ever. It was agony. Though I have helped by myself into wheelchairs patients who where up to 100kg's, maybe that took my back. Nursing home job was no joke. Though I was born with scoliosis.

After that I went into school again as I had quit nursing school cause pharmacy was too hard and I was struggling already, then went into vocational school again to become spatherapist.

This is where I started thinking about professional identity more and how my teacher said that in this profession we are all gender neutral and I hadn't heard anything like that before. I was stuck in supressing my sexuality and with uncomfortableness around public showcases of intimacy. But it also gave me panic attack. In order to fit in to my professional identity I started exploring gender neutrality. I also often felt this feeling of alienation and not fitting in to the crowd and saw my life as if from somewhere far away. There were times where I felt my arms were too long, clumsy and ethreal. It was feeling of that I was almost someone from different planet. It almost felt like that I am erasing myself out of existence. I felt that I was dissappearing.

Then there was a girl I saw on the bus who looked like a total kpop star. I didn't know if it was either crush or admiration I was feeling as I had thought of possibly being lesbian, but I had 0 terminology for it.

I guess around here was where the overlap with my identity and sexuality happen.

At home my biggest escape places were gaming videos and boys love manga. The boys love manga I kept in secret. I was sure I'd be beaten if they would know what I was reading though I was an adult. Oh yeah the control is that bad. My dad called me if I stay'd out a bit longer and if I got home in the dark it was like quilt tripping that he is worried and can't sleep when I am not home. Nowadays it has eased up though, but still there is codependency and my people pleasing. He used to brought exuses that other parents do this as well. I rarely ever got to go out with friends. Of course our finances weren't best and were fragile since birth and didn't have a lot of friends to begin with. I barely knew what was outside of my home. If there wasn't school or work I barely would have got to live my life.

When I turned 30 year old I had already started questioning. Something switched when I was reading that boys love manga, especially (it's embarrassing to admit) that what started this gender journey was very much sexual. Like I thought how it would feel like if I had male body parts, but somehow it shifted into thinking how it would feel like to be a man (anime influence) to what if I was a man and I was struggling with very low self esteem already. Looking myself in a mirror my mind portrayed me as a monster, because I was feeling alienated already and being lonely on my birthday (I don't have body dysmorphia diagnosed, so I can't say it was that).

Then I discovered forums and I rapidly became more knowledgeable about lgbtqia+ community. I discovered my possible euphoric feelings and chased them. Got into more conflicts than I can count. My emotions often got the best of me, still feel lucky that this platform even gave me a voice to use (made me who was nobody a moderator) and helped me with my intrusive thoughts. This forum itself even helped me to discover myself, even after it stopped being my only lifeline.

The past me has changed a lot.

I:

- got knowledge of lgbtqia+ community
- started seeing psychiatrist and psychologist
- put a stop to my nightmares
- stood infront of gender commitee trying to get to change my gender
- figured out that my gender is blurred by my trauma
- got to step into my true self and express myself in ways I never dared or dreamed
- had guys in my life who said I was attractive

All this while dealing with chronic health conditions and trauma.

Now I'm studying tourism and hotel managemen in uni, but am on 2 year break due to burnout and stress. I don't even know how I made it here. There were math stuff here too, but somehow I did it. The law course was brutal. I took exam like 4 times and last time I got through. Now it's economy and I still need to do my thesis. I'm relieved in a way about this break, but also guilty mostly towards people's expectations.

I feel though I have much clearer idea of what happened and why I have been the way I am.

2020 just everything changed for me, but also while I know this side of myself is creatly misunderstood and my singing career might not be exactly as I imagine, then I am more excited than anything when stepping into my true self more.

With gender I'm neither male or female. I am actually wild and rebellious person. Traditional values was never me and people pushing me into these rigid boxes are just harmful. Not to mention immense pressure to perform. Like having kids, starting family, being successful in school and in your career and career can't just be any career. Control, pressure, rigid expectations, not getting what I needed emotionally and psychological abuse took me into a place of no return.

[zen_racer]

That sounds like a lot to deal with.  With some of the parts about the schooling, especially where you got all A's in biology but didn't do well on the exam, it makes me think you likely get test anxiety.  And if you're already dealing with the effects of trauma and have anxiety because of family expectations, I could see how that could make things difficult.

I could be way off though.  I apologize if I'm wrong.

If it makes you feel any better, I hopped around with all kinds of different jobs when I was younger.  All of my varied job experience, plus hobbies I've gotten into, are why I'm so good at my current job.