the next step

[zen_racer]

That sounds like a really good update. I'm glad the new T seems to be so validating and wanting to provide what you need.

I'm hoping my new T ends up being that good as well. I wish I was already having my next session, but that's next week.

I'm glad you feel better. Sending love and hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

ZR, thank you for the love and hugs.  they always feel wonderful. and so glad your new T is working out so well that you're looking forward to your next session.  it doesn't get much better than that.

feeling better today, altho our heat wave is starting up again for the rest of the week. 

so excited!  one of my tomatoes is beginning to turn red, while another plant is showing new tomatoes growing, and a third is showing the beginnings of flowers.  3 different types, i believe, so i'm really jazzed. 

i've finally figured out, more or less, how to utilize my meds for maximum sleep results.  it's not always working, but it's a lot better than it has been.  i've struggled w/ this sleep thing ever since i quit drinking, decades ago, and it's really been a pain, so this feels like some sort of victory.  i know there are a lot of people here who have trouble when it comes to sleep - falling asleep, staying asleep, nightmares (i've wrestled w/ all three).  it's just awful not to be able to sleep restful sleep.  i don't always sleep as long as i'd like, but that's what naps are for, right?!!!

[zen_racer]

That's awesome about the tomatoes.  I'm glad you're feeling better.

I have trouble sleeping.  Just about every single night.  Even on days off.

Sending love and hugs.   

[Desert Flower]

Hello dear San, just stopping by to say hi, if that's okay (please tell me if it's not). I hope you are okay(-ish), I only read your most recent post and I'm very glad you are being able to sleep a bit, that's so important. Big hugs and best wishes.

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, one physical thing i discovered a while ago that was disturbing my sleep was Restless Legs Syndrome.  I had to go for an overnite sleep study to get that diagnosed, but they did find the problem and i was immediately prescribed meds to help calm them.  after 20 yrs. of not sleeping well, it was like heaven sent!  if possible, maybe a sleep study could help you, or at least rule out that there's anything physical going on.  not getting restful sleep is the pits, and i hope you find your way out of it.  thank you for your care and kindness.

NK, there is no question i'm super happy to see you again.  thank you for responding, for caring.   

feeling ok again today (except for the heat wave, but we have a/c, so we're good.  because of previous trauma w/ a heatwave, i'm even nervous to drive while it's hot out.  so, i'm mostly just staying put.  i'll walk in front of the tv later, maybe even lift some weights.  fingers crossed.

i did have a glitch yesterday.  my D and i were talking and her sister, my D1, came into the conversation, mostly about how awful she treated my D, which led to severe anxiety in my D.  i didn't know about all the verbal abuse that was going on, but one time i witnessed D1 hitting D.  there was an extreme difference in their heights and weights, D1 being nearly 6' while my D is only 5'4", but that's always been the case throughout their childhoods.

anyway, i saw the hit, sent my D to her room, and lit into D1 about hitting someone smaller than her, told her if she wanted to hit someone to hit me instead, i wouldn't hit her back.  kept yelling this at her for a few minutes, she didn't say a word.  yesterday, i learned that after that incident, D1 went into their shared room and berated my D, making it all about herself as a victim cuz her father was tall so now she's being told she can't defend herself, 

i never knew about the verbal stuff, altho when i did hear some complaints about how we treated D so much better, loved her more, and on more than one occasion D1 asked me an impossible question:  if both my girls were drowning, and i could only rescue one of them, which would it be?  sophie's choice!  i told her i'd never be able to make that decision, and she berated me for being dishonest, said i'd rescue D cuz i loved her more.  this crapola went on throughout their lives, and my D has terrible anxiety even still from all of it.  she also knows that i would drown w/ both my girls rather than pick only one to save.

at any rate, after hearing about what went on verbally after the 'no hitting' incident, i just started sobbing, told my D i was so sorry that happened and i didn't know or i would've done something.  she told me it didn't matter, that even when i did do something (the hitting thing) D1 always came back and tore into D and it was just as bad.  then i said 'i hate her for doing that to you.'  i know, what kind of mother would state she hates her kid!  but, that's how intolerable all this is to me.  so, now i've hated 2 people who i once loved (altho i still love my D1, just can't be anywhere around her anymore), 2 people who had been very close to me. 

i don't feel the hate behind that statement, tho, whereas when i hated my ex (their father) i could feel it emanating off me.  my D could feel it, too, and it took about 1 1/2 yrs. for that to go away.  but wow!  glad to have therapy today.

[HannahOne]

Hey SM7. It is so hard to be a parent.

We can't control or manage everything all the time. When one member of the family has a mental health issue, emotional regulation issue, or is neurodivergent, it's extra hard to help everyone in the family feel safe all the time. It's pretty much impossible, at times, there will be outbursts, a moment of violence, a moment of extreme stress.

I hope you can see the value in showing your D your emotions now---by crying and helping her know you see her pain and wish it had been otherwise, showing that you understand. That's really what we need, I think. Life can be hard, challenging, unfair, cruel even, and not all of that can be prevented even by an aware and present parent. What is most important is that we are not alone with that, even as an adult child as your D is. That we know we are cared about. That someone sees our pain. You did that for your D and that's what you can do. That is worth so much.

[zen_racer]

SanMagic, it sounds like the relationship between D and D1 was at least partially similar to the relationship between me and my brother, except he was physically violent against me the entire time as well.  I wish I would've had a parent like you instead of the ones I had.  My M didn't do anything to stop it.  The first time I successfully fended off my brother, and I had to go to the hospital and ended up with a cast, and my brother started like it always, I'm the one that got yelled at.

I would've given anything to have a parent that cared like you do.  To me, it sounds like it was probably good that the talk happened, and that it was a chance for your D to hear how much you care and listen.

I'm sorry that you're having a heat wave and nervous to drive.  I've known someone with restless leg syndrome, and I don't think that's it for me.  You might be right about a sleep study though.  I think part of it is my cat.  He's not intentionally waking me up, just sleeping against me or on my legs, so when I go to roll over and can't I wake up.  Some of it is just me waking up for no reason that I can find though.  Thank you for the suggestion!

Sending love and hugs.  An extra long hug this time, in a pocket of cool air.