what's next recovery journal

[WhatsNext]

Hi WhatsNext,
I hope you get to do that walk you want to do.   I hope you enjoyed your breakfast.

Hi Hope.

I'm waiting to see what the day will bring in terms of rain.  It's been the type of rain where it drizzles a little bit and then suddenly will let loose with a torrent and then it stops.  No winding down, it just ends.  Breakfast was good.   

[HannahOne]

What'sNext, I definitely found that fascia work led to more emotionality. They say "the issues are in the tissues." I did years of Rolfing. I have health issues that make Rolfing important for me, pretty bad scoliosis etc, Rolfing has kept me able to move and relatively pain free. And, along with that fascia work came release of emotions. I think of it like this: We get into "holding patterns" and undoing those changes how we move and feel because emotions are basically motions. Emotions are meant to move us that's their purpose. When in trauma especially with the freeze response, our emotion and motion is interrupted, frozen. The freeze response is a form of shame, shame stops us from moving. Reversing that freeze releases emotions. I'm not very woo woo but fascia also interacts with nerves, hormones...ie, energy, there is an energetic aspect to the fascia as it connects out entire body to itself, wraps around every cell head to toe. So fascia work, for me, feels also like an energetic shift and a unifying experience.

Hope something there is useful in your process.

[WhatsNext]

What'sNext, I definitely found that fascia work led to more emotionality. They say "the issues are in the tissues." I did years of Rolfing. I have health issues that make Rolfing important for me, pretty bad scoliosis etc, Rolfing has kept me able to move and relatively pain free. And, along with that fascia work came release of emotions. I think of it like this: We get into "holding patterns" and undoing those changes how we move and feel because emotions are basically motions. Emotions are meant to move us that's their purpose. When in trauma especially with the freeze response, our emotion and motion is interrupted, frozen. The freeze response is a form of shame, shame stops us from moving. Reversing that freeze releases emotions. I'm not very woo woo but fascia also interacts with nerves, hormones...ie, energy, there is an energetic aspect to the fascia as it connects out entire body to itself, wraps around every cell head to toe. So fascia work, for me, feels also like an energetic shift and a unifying experience.

Hope something there is useful in your process.

Hannah,

I am getting more and more convinced that fascia has been a overlooked aspect in many things.  The reductionist process works sometimes but when it comes to a living system, and how the various bits and bobs within that system interact, that's when the reductionist process falls on it's face.  The other part that I realized is that generally speaking the understanding of health comes from doing reverse logic on a researched pathology subsystem.  Thank you for the the "freeze response is a type of shame".  Had not considered that before.   if the fascia communicates the body state to the brain, and it's also tied into and sometimes goes through every single tissue, then I can see it being a communication channel for everything inside without necessarily involving the brain.   

As far a "woo woo" goes I'm pretty open to alternative explanations.  To me there are things that science cannot explain. energy work, prayers, smudging, as a few examples are all legit.  How they work science doesn't know.  And that's fine.  Sometimes I think we limit ourselves to what is being reported that the white labcoat cohorts insists is "true".   

[WhatsNext]

Last night was a good night again.  Still having some temperature fluctuations but nothing intense enough to awaken me.  BP readings are really good.  Got a few stream of consciousness writing in and that's a healing modality if approached appropriately.  I'm going to go on a reality walk where the purpose isn't to get a certain amount of distance in a certain amount of time.  It's more of a walk where the purpose is to engage the senses for a period of time.  Surprisingly walking is also a healing modality when approached correctly.  So many things that are there for use to use and because it's not in some sort of paradigm it's been discounted and poo-poo'd.  Ah for a users manual!  "The proper care and feeding of the human that you have". (joke)   I wonder how much wisdom has been lost to the idea of progress and that all the knowledge, wisdom, and millennia of observation was discounted and lost because of so called progress?

I grew up before the internet.  Broadcast TV and radio.  Perhaps my recollection is off but back then social things were more trusting, it didn't seem like the world was going to * in a hand basket and this was during the cold war.  Nuclear de tant.  Mutually assured destruction.  Yeah there was the same standard deviation happening in humans as far a personality disorders etc.  It just seems like the modern stuff is way colder and more chaotic.   

Every wonder who benefits from all the fear porn that gets slung?  Same with the over medicalization of normal human things like grief, sadness, happiness, I mean what hasn't been tweaked in some manner?  I'm not talking about trauma, abuse, etc. Just the normal things that happen in a humans life.  A death of a loved one. Being disappointed that a situation didn't work out. Feeling rejected because a friendly overture was dismissed.  Normal things.   

I'm surprised how much emotions are still in there.  Hurt, anger, grief, not towards the former spouse per se, towards the behaviors, the lost time, the what could have beens, the * that actually was. The patterns that kept me engaged until it finally got through that something had to change or I was going to die.  Got closer than I really wanted to a couple of years ago.  Got through the divorce, was healing up I thought and I had a health event.  Didn't know if it was gonna be cardiac or stroke.  The system finally got to a point where being in a better space/place and it decided that it was time to collapse basically.   

I'm trying to feel my way through things and it helps knowing that the physical is in recovery.  That has been a touch stone for me while all the other physical things have been ongoing. 

Until another time.

[Hope67]

Glad you had a good night - that's great.  I hope you get another one and that you enjoy your walk - engaging with the senses for a period of time, that's lovely. 

[WhatsNext]

Glad you had a good night - that's great.  I hope you get another one and that you enjoy your walk - engaging with the senses for a period of time, that's lovely. 

Hi Hope.  Oh I've learned that sleep is crazy important.  Especially after the years where it happened but it wasn't restful.  Sleeping with one eye open as it were.  I hope this evening a good night sleep wise as well. The intention was to just walk and it turned into a route but without the pressure of a time frame / staying engaged with sights, smells, the feelings of the clothes moving and the body walking.  Not really a meditative walk like the Buddhists have but something akin to it.  Plus I found out that after fascia work walking is what locks in the changes. 

Hope you are doing well today 

[WhatsNext]

Where in the world did this year go?  Seems to have gone so quickly.  Last night was a bit unsettled but nothing like the prior ones I've been through. Be asleep awaken because of a slight sweat, move, go back to sleep. Had that happen 3? 4? times. 

Have this inner sense of unease.  And my brain wants to create a story around the feeling when the feeling is from shifting biology. Well, prefrontal cortex, hpa axis, hippocampus all involved not to mention every single sub "system" that a human has. I think that sometimes the biology aspect gets forgotten about. 

Spent time with a close family member today.  it was good really good.  I can just be and not have to be concerned about anything.  They say the same about me and them soooo tis a good thing both ways.  Went out to breakfast and then they needed to do some grocery shopping.  Since I do like them, and they me, what gets done really isn't important.  Very thankful that they are there. 

They have also been through the wringer when it comes to cluster B relationships in the NPD side of things.  I asked them how long it took them to figure out the who that they are after the nigh 30 years of crapola and they told me it was 2.5 to 3 years. which from what I know, it takes about that long for the hippocampus to heal after long term relational abuse. Unsure about the HPA axis timeframe to recover to functioning in a unstressed state. 

 I've also been working on perceiving differently the situation the poor bugger went through. (me)  Sad.  So very sad that.  To this day I still am unsure the what or the who told me that if I stayed I was gonna die back when that happened.  Perhaps it was because I was finally starting to comprehend the nature of the beast that had manipulated, abused, and took advantage for so long. I think that is an accurate accounting. The inner bits are definitely shifting.  My spelling has gotten better.  More memories are available of the time before the crapola. 

I'm still wrestling with the amount of freedom I have. I've ran so long at such a tight rein I haven't allowed myself to go have an experience that I'm interested in.  Then again with the changing tastes in entertainment going on. Plus I'm uncertain about my own reactions. 

Being in the middle of so many moving parts it's understandable in the cognitive side that being uncertain is a given.  Being in the middle of it though sure feels different. 

Did two different fascia releases yesterday and there was more emotions that came out in a very odd way. I have images, paw prints of the dogs that have gone over the bridge and yet when I was cleaning a mark on the wall from my most recent doggo, my verbal was about how I wasn't erasing them it's that it needs cleaned.  I know that there is a lot of carry on emotion in that.  Other sadness, hurt, grief, loss.  I think I'm going to skip any fascia release today.  I'm sore from yesterday. I did find that having some nice tea with l-theanine helps the inner sense of jitters. 

BP has remained good.  Which I'm also thankful for. 

until another time