Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

Dollyvee and SanMagic7, thank you for commenting and reading.

Dollyvee, I'm sorry you have dealt with health issues and not been understood by doctors and not gotten the right care. And sorry for how your family responded and didn't respond to your medical needs. Seems to be a theme! It sounds like MCAS, which my kid has. The doctors on the Dysautonomia International web site list know how to treat that, yet we went through YEARS of being told it was anxiety that made her skin flush, feel nauseated, hives, etc. I don't think I'm reacting to fillers, in my case I seem to metabolize medications differently, or react to the medication itself. Many antibiotics and sulfa drugs cause early Steven Johnson syndrome, all the psych drugs cause seizures or paradoxical reactions. If a drug has a bad side effect, I'll be the 1 or 5% of patients who gets that side effect. I think it's partly being a "fast metabolizer" so if someone needs 200mg of a drug to have an effect, I basically just need to lick the lid of the pill bottle to get that effect, LOL. Thank you for the support.

SanMagic7, I'm so sorry you too have had these kinds of experiences. Again a theme! But I'm glad to hear you found someone you can trust now. I hear what you're saying about the basic fault. I am unwinding that right now inside! Thank you of being with me in it and for the love. I am working on accepting and internalizing kindness and care and you've given me good opportunity to do that!

[HannahOne]

I started to write "I am working on ...." and then laughed maniacally because what I am "working on" is receiving kindness, care, or love. No need to WORK at that, kiddo. I can just be open to it. I am noticing my immediate response to care is to self-deprecate, push it away, duck and dodge it, or squirm, and seeing how open I can stay to it. The wonderful thing about this is that there is actually a lot of kindness and care coming my way! And that wasn't the case four months ago. A small miracle. I feel the urge to light a row of candles, one for each day the kindness and care keeps coming. But at this rate, I would have a massive bonfire shortly.

I am also noticing the feelings this brings up in me. Feelings of desperate sadness, wailing grief inside. Desperate sadness, because someone was nice to me? Wailing grief, because someone cares?

I look inside. Yes. Huh.

Sad, because.... these parts of me needed it back then and didn't get it. So little care. So little! Desperate because.... whatever I receive now can never be enough to make up for back then. Never enough! the parts chorus. And, I'm here now, and it's enough. Both are true. Somehow my acknowledging the "never enough back then" allows the "plenty now" to take deeper root.

I've been using this kind of "pendulation" in my daily life. Saying no to the horse lady, and all being quiet inside. Cleaning like mad before a guest, hearing the internal noise, complaining and fussing, and saying, "Yes being an adult is a lot of work!" and all the overworked scared parts sit back and relax. The sad, sinking feeling of standing at the fridge to pick out food and feeling hopeless, that's another little part who was so hungry: I will make you something.

Acknowledging and turning toward my troubling emotions more and more. It's not like I didn't know I "should" do this decades ago I just couldn't somehow do it. Simple acts of self-compassion. I guess it wasn't safe back then, what with still having to get further and further away from the past, survive, make a life. No time to feel. Make a life? Whatever that means, I think now... "make" a "life." What is my life, but the unfolding of experience? Now experience of past grief, now experience of present joy. Joy reverberates the pain, and vice versa.

Lately noticing a trigger for fawning, where I can't believe what's coming out of my mouth. The trigger is, not being believed. LOL. That's the trigger, the fear of not being believed leads another part to take over and start talking.... Whether my kid's school didn't believe something my kid did, or a doctor didn't believe their pain, or their therapist seems unsure about something I report (that believe me, I have documentation of!), it all triggers the past where I need the person to help me, so I give them more information, overshare?, or bury them in documents, LOL.... forgive me, kid's school, doctor, kid's therapist. That feeling of standing outside myself watching myself do this behavior.... I want to notice more the trigger before that fawn mode kicks in. If someone doesn't believe me, isn't sure.... I can ask them a question, and then wait. I can remember I don't need anyone to believe me. I'm no longer a runaway looking for a roof.

It's the best of times, it's the worst of times. TW illness. I think one of the medications is giving me vomiting and diarrhea. Fun times. It's intermittent, I'm fine for hours at a time, so it seemed random. I was pleased to see I had lost weight lately and my pants were a size too big. I've been wanting to lose 15 pounds that I gained over the pandemic. I was thinking it was all the working out I've been doing, then realizing, um, I think it's feeling so sick. Seeing the doctor tomorrow to rule out any other cause and for Zofran and something else to help. Or a med switch. Makes sense why I've been depleted the last few days! I wish I was quicker to catch on. Need to work more on noticing physical sensations and symptoms.

Tomorrow morning assuming I'm up to it I will do the wildlife rehab for four hours of training. I am unsure I want to do this but I want to find out. Then PT if I can, then doctor.

The seasons have changed, so must the clothes. Today I wore white barrel jeans rolled up at the hems, with rust colored ballet flats with a strap. Yeah! And a black tank top, with a checkered button down over it, and a necklace with a red string. I don't have my spring/summer wardrobe settled. Not sure what to wear. I can't tolerate heat at all now, the dysautonomia is wild. I like the white jeans and flats sitch, but in the heat, I need more options. Curious what I will land on. Sad not to be able to wear my partner's wool men's suit pants again till fall. Maybe I will snag a few of his ties.... heeheehee. That's for sure a part of me! Meanwhile I have most excellent flats in snakeskin, black with thick white rubber bottoms, and Vans. Sometimes you have to start with the shoe, and work bottom up. What will I be walking in today, and how do I want to feel doing it? Today I was walking on city sidewalks. Tomorrow, I'll be walking in animal poop and hopefully not my own. So it will be boots and a topper! boots and a sweatshirt. Change for PT into sneakers and leggings. Change for doctor into crop jeans and .... something. Hopefully a shower in there. Or two. I have a silk polka dot blouse I want to try, and it's not yet too hot for it. What does "silk blouse" say to the doctor? This is the one who curses around the AI, so it can say whatever it wants. I hope to spend a little time on my closet this week reconnecting with the current body changes, weather changes, vibe changes.

And deeply tired. Cried for a few hours today, good crying, driving down the road with the double yellow unfurling in front of me to "Walk Away Renee," "Grief is only Love," "It's my Life" with Bon Jovi, "Second Chance" by 38 special, and some Brandi Carlile, "Beginning to feel the years, and I'm going to be ok. As long as you're beside me along the way. Gonna make it through the night, and into morning light.... Yesterday is long ago, and far away...."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cKHzvb6_gA

[sanmagic7]

road therapy, hannah1 - i love it!  have done a lot of it in my time. driving was one place i could let anything/everything out.  so cathartic, cleansing, and joyful to just belt out a favorite song w/ no one listening.  oooh, joy.  i think i just recognized that.  yay!

yes, different clothes.  loved the outfit you picked out - very cute.  that's one thing i love about the seasons - new wardrobe.  keep going - sounds like you're doing what you need to do and it's helping.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, yeah, road therapy!:)

[dollyvee]

There's two great books by Ingrid Clayton called, Believing Me and Unfawning that you might be interested in HannahOne, and I often overshare for the need to be believed as well. As a young child with no protection, I think it's what I had to learn to do.

Thank you for that explanation. It's interesting to learn about the similarities and differences between peoples' reactions. Thank you for your understanding about health issues, and yes, I think it's MCAS. Whether or not a doctor will believe that without a high tryptase test is another story. I have had genetic testing/report via noorns and the symptoms line up. I have also deep dove into my genetics and have double mutations in genes where inflammation can lead to anxiety and/or depression. This is all new stuff however, and in the 80s no one had any idea. So, I was a picky eater or it was the laundry detergent that was making me itchy.

I hope you're able to find a little space for yourself to process all the things that come up bit by bit.

Sending you support,
dolly 

[SenseOrgan]

There's a character, I think in one of the classic mob movies, or a Tarantino. At one point he says:"Here's what's going to happen", followed by a detailed description. His whole demeanor and intonation oozes "even the thought of non compliance on your part equals instant death". I want a pinch of that for us. A pinch of that confidence and authority, and not even being able to fathom not being believed. Call it psychopathy if you will. I think this is needed to go against a childhood that was riddled with gaslighting, invalidation, denial, dismissal, ignoring, erasure, and so forth. I feel you HannahOne. I have a similar pattern running. Not being believed can trigger a boat load of unprocessed childhood experiences. Thousands of them. The emotional charge can flood me when I'm not heard or believed in the present. It's challenging to stay mindful and keep the adult online when this happens. The kids feel a strong impulse to make the person in front of me into the understanding parent that I'll never have. It's hard to resist the urge to seek external safety and to instead look inside for that, which is accompanied by all sorts of difficult feelings that the pattern attempts to keep at bay.

As for receiving kindness, that too is something I recognize. It still isn't coherent with my sense of self (self worth), which is what generates an impulse to wave it away in various ways. It takes mindfulness and effort for me to resist that. One thing that might help for a fawner is to see that we reject something that another person is offering us with sincerely kind intentions. From another angle, I think basic CBT kind of stuff actually applies here. The needle needs to be picked from the groove and land on another tune. Every single time. This has helped me to learn to receive compliments, at least on some level. I've found that the resistance to that slowly corrodes.