Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[NarcKiddo]

Letting the brain work in the background is often the most useful tool for me, too. In my case I need to do enough preparation that my brain understands it needs to work on this. That might be journaling or thinking about things or researching or whatever. But actively noticing the problem. Even if an answer seems to come, and seems to be the correct one, my brain still keeps chuntering away and may well spit out some extra feedback at a time I'm doing something else. That's often the case where I have come across an answer that my logical brain is fine with but which my emotional brain is not fully on board with. When I had dogs, the dog walks were often times of clarity. Doing something repetitive, easy and kind of boring works. In my case steady state cardio (when my lungs permit) or lap swimming will do the trick. So I can well understand that pumping gas or doing the dishes or showering will yield results for you.

Your fear of having to accept and love you, adult you, all of you, resonates. It is easier to imagine loving a small, defenceless child. But it's a huge start. The concept is hard to get to grips with so identifying a small, helpless ZR and nurturing him will stand you in good stead if any other ZRs crop up along the way. My bolshy teenage NK is challenging! Adult NK is hardly perfect. And we have no experience to draw on of having a loving and nurturing parent who will celebrate our virtues, while helping us gently to tame our faults and still love us whatever. So I guess building that experience comes with doing it for our cuter, more innocent Littles and then applying those lessons to the more challenging ones plus our adult selves.

I'm really happy that you got this promotion and that the corporates are so supportive. It's great that you are getting some experiences of genuinely supportive people where your contributions to the team are valued and rewarded.

[zen_racer]

TW - For writing a list of reasons that I don't think I should be treated better.


I have often had reactions to things I've written here while writing them, but that last paragraph from my previous post struck with an intensity and ferocity I had not experienced yet.  That was a whole other level of overwhelming.  It's bothered me all day, and I've still been running from even trying to lay down for sleep.  That was something I was not ready for.

I have tried to finally sit down and let the thoughts do their thing, but they're just hovering.  I think maybe I've dissociated enough from that.  I'd like to blame my running from it on having to go help a coworker move this morning, but if I'm being honest, I think I would likely have ran from that anyway because of how suddenly it was overwhelming.

Maybe for now, I should stick to trying to show the Little ZR compassion.

I know this isn't the way it works, and I shouldn't think this way, but I also want to try to understand this a little more.  Guilt is "I did something bad", shame is "I am bad" and the foundation for "I don't deserve to be treated well" ( I think).

I don't deserve to be treated well because: I don't take care of myself well enough.  I can't seem to brush my teeth enough, and they've been messed up ever since my mom stopped taking me to the orthodontist halfway through braces.  I'm too smart and make people think I'm trying to hard.  I make mistakes anyway.  Nothing I ever do is good enough.  If I acknowledge how badly people treat me, then it's a direct attack on those people.  I have needs.  I think for myself.  I have opinions.  I've stood up for myself.  I haven't let my mom wipe out all sense of self.  I stopped acting like a servant.  I've wanted to skip every family function.  I came from a broken home.  My dad was a drunk.  I've done self harm.  I thought my health and pain mattered.  I was sometimes in too much pain to act like nothing was wrong.  Because other parents offered to take me in when I was honest about how I was treated.  I couldn't get yelled at enough to act like a perfect child.  I thought I shouldn't be treated like I didn't keep my side of an agreement when I did keep my side of an agreement.  I thought I shouldn't be punished for something my brother did.  I thought my brother should be punished for what he did to me.  I got angry for being beaten up every day.  I needed clothing. 

Logically I know it's not true.  At least mostly.  Some of these, I might ... I still believe.  The rest were just ways or reasons I was taught that I deserved to be treated badly.  I think it might be helpful for me to look back on this list and see how absurd it was, and recognize the abuse for what it was.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[zen_racer]

I slept horribly.  For the first time in a very long time, I had/remembered a dream.  Of course it wasn't good, I wouldn't expect it to be.  I kind of hope it means that maybe I'll start having dreams more often again.

After that, I was also called by work in the middle of the night, and got them running again with phone support.

Physically, I'm feeling a little bit like I was run over by a moving truck.  But otherwise, I'm feeling a little better than yesterday.  I don't know which direction to go in trying to address things.  I think I'm just going to accept that for now and not try to force anything.  I think maybe a good stretching session and just trying to physically relax will do me wonders.  Kind of wish I had a hot tub to just relax in. 

[Marcine]

"I don't know which direction to go in trying to address things.  I think I'm just going to accept that for now and not try to force anything."

Yes, sounds brilliant.
And I hear you, ZR about wishing for a hot tub. Have you ever experienced soaking in a natural hot spring? Incredibly healing.

[zen_racer]

Thank you NK and Marcine.  I've been having a bit of a difficult time this weekend, and you both have been very supportive in your messages and given me more to think about.

NK, I'm grateful that you take the time to relate your experiences like with Teenage NK and describe things to help me understand better.

Marcine, I have gotten to try natural hot springs before, just outside of Steamboat Springs, CO.  It was an interesting experience, but I don't think I got the full experience because of what was going on in my life during the visit there.

I've messaged a different therapist to see if they're taking new clients.  I found an article on things to watch out for if you're thinking you may need to switch therapists, and mine happens to check almost all of the boxes.  I think it's better to just switch as soon as I can before my current therapist gets me to believe I should just quit therapy due to him being such a bad match for me.

I've also taken it easy today.  Spent a while just slowly doing stretches this morning.  While I was at it, laying on my back, my cat even came up and laid against my head and kept me company.  If that's not grounding, I don't know what is.

I still feel disregulated though.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope your search for a new therapist goes well. It sounds very grounding to have had your cat as your stretching partner. I could never lie on the floor when I had my dogs around. They got frightfully excited and would climb all over me. It was at least a failsafe to get them back to me if a normal recall was not working, although lying down in the middle of a public car park one day got me some strange looks.

I'm sorry that when you got to have a dream it was a bad one but as you are wanting to get dreams back I hope you get more, and that they are not all bad.

 

[zen_racer]

Thank you NK.  I've been plagued with not sleeping well since that dream.  It is what it is I guess.  I'm actually seeing my doctor today to get something to help me sleep that also helps with anxiety.  I've also been feeling anxious more recently, especially last night.

I have an appointment with a new therapist on Monday.  This time, it's a woman, and she specializes in trauma and cptsd, and does emdr along with a supposedly newer Flash technique used with emdr.  I guess we'll see.

I've felt a little more disconnected since that day that I was helping a coworker move, and got overwhelmed while writing a post here and just stopped abruptly.  I've been trying to get more grounded and feeling safe since then, but it's not working.  I have been learning some new tricks for getting grounded though, so there's that.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope the appointment with the new therapist goes well. I think sanmagic has talked about Flash before.

Sounds like you might be in a prolonged EF - hope you manage to start feeling more grounded and safe soon.