I Am

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know if you have experience of or interest in IFS or the behaviour of different parts so ignore this if it does not fit for you. But it sounds to me like not so much a full backlash as a fearful part or parts of you making themselves known in response to your progress. Being able to experience what you did and come through it without falling into total dysfunction immediately sounds like definite progress. It might be worth thinking about what is scary about progress and doing well. What does part of you think might happen? Retribution from an abuser? Distrust of yourself? Did they feel ignored while you concentrated on handling the EF while they maybe ineffectually sounded a warning klaxon as usual?

 

[HannahOne]

Ah, the fear of doing well. Hello, old friend. What's your story, what's the word? Lay it on me. I want to hear it all.

[Bach]

I almost quit therapy last week.  I've been conflicted for a long time over feeling really stuck, feeling that my therapist is out of ideas, isn't helping me and that I don't want to do talk therapy anymore, and being afraid to go without therapy because I've been doing it for SO LONG and I can't quite imagine not having that dedicated time every week in which I at least theoretically can talk about my life to someone who is obligated to listen to me.  I've being doing two sessions of talk therapy a week for more than 25 years and at this point my feelings about it are very mixed.  A few months ago I dropped one session a week despite pushback from my therapist that rather alarmed me and made me feel like a naughty child.  Then last week, I finally managed to express to her the depth of my negative feelings about our sessions.  I suppose I expected her to push back the same way, but she didn't.  We had a conversation about it in which she asked me whether I wanted to quit and I said that I felt like I probably did, but I wasn't sure because I was also afraid to.  By then it was the end of the session, so we ended with "talk about this some more".  But then, this week I had some legitimate therapy-type things I wanted to talk about, and my sessions with her tend to be at least reasonably productive when I bring that kind of energy to them.  So I concluded that I'm not ready to quit, which I guess means that I will have to work harder to make it worthwhile.  That might not actually be the worst thing. 

[Blueberry]

I'm interested to read your post Bach, maybe because I'm considering the usefulness of one of my supports rn. That's my thing of course but maybe there's some resonance, like the fear  -  can I manage without? Or maybe reducing the frequency would help? -  You seem to have done the latter.
Take care.

[HannahOne]

Bach, I relate to being in therapy for a long time, and sometimes feeling unsure if it's best to continue or not. I was glad that you and your therapist could have the conversation.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad she didn't push back in the way you expected and seems open to continuing on your terms if you want to do that.

[Bach]

When I was growing up, I was called by a shortened form of my name, a less common but still widely known nickname for a four-syllable name with many diminutives.  I never liked andythat people didn't want to call me by my full name.  I tried to change the name I was called by when I was around five, first to a fancier form of the nickname my mother had chosen when I was born, then, interestingly, to something that omitted the part of it that was derived from my actual name.  I didn't feel suited by those either, and went back to the original.  When I was around 10, I made an attempt to be known by my full four syllables, and that was quashed by pushback from my mother and teasing from my brother.  Then when I went to live with my father at 13, I tried out another of the traditional shortened forms of my given name, then a variation on that, and those were both awful.  So I went back again to the familiar one, determined to embrace it, become it, love it.  Thirteen years of trying to comfortable being (B) led to me to deciding a few months before I turned 27 that I wanted to be called by my full proper name, and that there was no reason I should be afraid to ask it of people.  Since then I have owned my full name, and owned that it's more important to me to be called that than it is for people not to have to say four whole syllables.  I feel strongly about my full name.  I had to work to be able to stand up for it, and work I did, my name is my name and that's how it should be. 

And what does this have to do with anything?  Well, the other day I was writing something about self-care in my paper journal, and I realised that I had mentally referred to myself by that old nickname.  I wrote that taking care of myself today would refrain from hurting "tomorrow's (B)".  It startled me that I had thought of myself by that name, and the fact that I immediately wanted to reject it started me thinking that I have not dealt with having been (B).  I barely remember (B), and I try not to even think about myself from back then.  I sort of feel like I was a whole different person when I was called (B), and even now thinking about it my visceral desire is to disown that person.

I need to figure out how I can stop feeling so much shame and self-hatred about who I was for the first 27 years of my life.  I've always known that one of my parts is my mother, and I don't think I ever managed to question my mother's feeling that (B)'s existence is worthless and a burden.  Instead of questioning it, I made myself into my four-syllable name and worked on improving her, stuffed (B) into a mental box and shoved that box deep into an emotional closet.  I've rejected (B) completely, and that can't be healthy.   

Something I suffer with is that even though I know with my head that people love me and want me, deep down I still really do not believe it.  I often have intrusive thoughts along the lines of "Nobody wants me.  Nobody loves me.  Why am I even alive?".  I think that must be (B).  I also think that (B) must be the part of me that both fears death and wishes for it.  I wish I knew what to do with this, how to work with it.  How to integrate.  How to kick the mother part of me out of here!

[HannahOne]

I was glad to see you connecting with yourself and understanding yourself more! That's such important work and self care.

I hear you about wanting to kick out a negative mother part. That resonated with me. One thing that has helped me with negative introjects (for me it's a father part who is highly critical) is to treat them as a dysregulated toddler. For me I was just never able to kick out this negative part. The more I pushed it away the stronger it seemed to be. What has been helpful is when that part is negative about me, I turn to it in my mind and say, "You seem really upset! What can I do for you right now, because yelling at me isn't allowed?" Or "You seem really worried that I'm being (fill in the blank: stupid, wrong, lazy...). Guess what? It's not your problem, I'm in charge and I've decided I need to (ask for help, try something new, rest). Can you please lean back and make some room for me to work here? Watch quietly, but keep your concerns to yourself, I've heard them, and I'm confident that I'm doing what I want to do right now even if it looks (stupid/wrong/lazy) to you." I have found this takes the fear out of me, I'm no longer so afraid of hearing the critical voice, and it also does seem to quiet the voice somewhat for a time.

Everyone's internal experience is different, so what has helped me might be unhelpful for you. Take what you like and ignore the rest. I do hope you can experiment and find a way forward that gives you and (B) the space you need from the negativity of the mother part, and I continue to be interested in your journey and experience of recovery.

[NarcKiddo]

It sounds to me like (B) might be feeling just a tiny bit more confident about making herself available to be loved by you. Maybe it wasn't you who stuffed her into a box. Maybe she put herself there, because that box was safe. But she noticed the work you are doing, and let you glimpse her. You say you reject and disown her but you wrote about taking care of yourself so as not to hurt tomorrow's (B). It does not sound to me like four syllable you, the person you want to be, truly rejects (B).

As to the mother part, it sounds like she could possibly be a bit like HannahOne's father part who will simply not be kicked out and will fight over it. I like the idea of treating the part like a toddler. Another thing to try might be to take the toddler analogy a stage further and stick the toddler in a play pen. The toddler is safe and can scream as much as it likes. The IFS theory is, I believe, that no part of us is bad, so trying to exterminate a part may not be possible and could be counterproductive. But if the part is safely contained you are free to ignore it while you work on your relationship with (B).

And boy, doesn't it SUCK to have to drag around a mother part?!