the next step

[zen_racer]

I'm also sorry that you're getting triggered by the heat, and glad you're feeling better.  I've had my own issues with heat recently, but I didn't drink any water or electrolytes, and had to spend a few days drinking extra water to get rehydrated.

I still owe you thanks for helping me get to where I'm okay receiving the love and hugs.  Of course I'm sending love and hugs back! 

[sanmagic7]

ZR, i just think love and hugs pour out of me and i'm so glad it's easier for you now to accept all that good stuff.  i get it, tho.  i still have a very difficult time accepting when someone is kind to me, stands up for me or stands with me while i'm going thru something messy. we'll just keep at it, shall we?!  and i love that you can send love and hugs back.  feels very warm and comforting. thank you.

very glad you were able to catch yourself and get rehydrated.  very important.

doing pretty good, altho i think i overdid it w/ walking yesterday, so today is a day to nurse my knee.  still editing, which helps me keep my mind not focused on other things, but really causes some serious brain drain.  still, i'm on target, so that's a good thing.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I hope your knee recuperates.  It's great that you're doing that editing and that you're on target.   

 

[zen_racer]

I hope your knee is feeling better also.  I know what that's like, at least a little bit.  I have to do a few stretches pretty regularly.  If I don't, my right knee especially gets very unhappy with me.

You've been so nice to me since I joined, SanMagic.  I'll stand with you anytime you need me to.  Love and hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, thank you so much for the cheer and hug.  both are greatly appreciated.  yeah, the editing is going well, and the knee was good enough later yesterday that i could go for a walk.   

ZR, what you said nearly brought tears.  what a lovely thing to say.  thank you so much for that.  and i have appreciated your support all along the way.   

well, i'm realizing what EF's are, how they feel, what they look like, and got to experience 2 of them, one right after the other.  the first concerned this heat so many of you are battling, and the second concerned the relationship my D is having which flashed me right back to the relationship she and i had with my D1 - crumbs to keep us hooked, and attacks when they felt attacked in their own minds but w/o any intent on our part.  i see this in her relationship now, and i've realized it's why i get so    when she's coming into my room crying from another something he's said to her. 

yeah, i'm glad he's in therapy - it shows that maybe he wants to change - but my D1 was in therapy too many times to count.  i don't know if he's able to change, and it breaks my heart to see her in tears.  so, i'm dealing with this now. on the other hand, i suppose it shows that i'm making progress that i can realize what being in an EF feels like, and how it comes about.  i'm opening up, i'm becoming more of who i've been, i'm feeling more, and i feel pretty awful.

[sanmagic7]

i re-read the last line i wrote, and i can say that i don't always feel that way about becoming more of me.  i read in another journal about how distressing it is for them to feel angry, and realized i feel quite the opposite.  because my body has held all my emotions, realizations, feelings for so long, they manifest themselves in different physical ways.  anger has helped me w/ a lot of physical problems, especially w/ the use of my legs, and this body pain that nearly paralyzes me.  both of these situations have responded positively when i've pulled up anger and beat my bed, yell, scream, curse - in essence, getting the neg. energy of the anger out of my body.  and suddenly, i can walk regularly again or i can see my belly deflate and feel the pain relief. 

it's the other feelings/emotions that i have a problem with.  and realizations rock me back on my heels.  i get a very negative reaction to those kinds of things and it's very distressing to me.  over time, tho, i've discovered that i'm not so afraid of fear as i was - never really feeling it was my way of life.  actually now feeling it has been devastating at times.  i still don't know how people live in fear.  it's a strange and horrible animal to me.

[Marcine]

Hi San,
It's interesting how we get used to certain chunks of the human emotional experience, and other aspects are kinda unknown or uncomfortable. For example, anger was taboo in my upbringing and I've had to work a lot to get more comfortable with feeling and expressing it. It sounds like for you anger has flowed more naturally and beneficially.

SenseOrgan wrote about "full spectrum humanness" and this is how I want to live, even welcoming fear when it shows up in me. Of course, it's lifelong work in progress, but we all deserve to exist with our complete range of human emotions.

And I commiserate very much with how you wrote, "i'm feeling more, and i feel pretty awful."

I'm with you, my friend 

[Hope67]

 

[TheBigBlue]

And I commiserate very much with how you wrote, "i'm feeling more, and i feel pretty awful."