Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[SenseOrgan]

NarcKiddo
O gosh, I'm sorry you ended up in this storm NK. It's not you, it's trauma! Off course you know that already. My nervous system works in a similar fashion when I encounter too many triggers in too short order. What you describe sounds awfully familiar to me. Something like the pigeon's nest gone would be the end of the world for me too if I'm already overwhelmed. It's awful when that happens. Often I wonder what that was about a couple of days later, when a bit more regulated. I think the sound issue is related. I'll add some more to that in a response to your comment in my journal.

Hugs from Holland! 

[Hope67]

I am also sending you hugs NarcKiddo - you've been on my mind quite a lot, in various ways - anyway, I wasn't able to write much - but I do want to say I appreciate you and am sending you a hug 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, everyone, for standing with me and supporting me. You are all wonderful and I am very lucky to have you. 

I finally had a session with T yesterday. I have not yet told her about the picture because we had a lot of other stuff I wanted to get out of the way concerning the FOO visit I have just undergone, and Teen NK was a bit unsure of how she felt about telling T. It was quite clear T has been very unwell as she was still coughing and hoarse. We did get on to the subject of Teen NK towards the end of the session and I told T we have a big issue to discuss next time but it would have taken too long by then. Teen NK seemed OK with that being set up and after the session I ordered a frame for her picture as I want to hang it on my wall.

FOO visit was kind of weird. It was the annual 2 night affair except that I managed to wangle going only for one night. I had dutifully set aside the 'set in stone every year' date but sister's work made that awkward, though she would have been able to do it. When she suggested other dates I took my opportunity to say I was only available for one night if we were not going to do it on the usual date. I expected M to demand the usual date but she did not.

So I was arriving before lunch one day and I assumed would be there for most of the following day. H said he would take and collect me. So I asked S what time she needed to catch a train to leave as we could probably give her a lift to the station. Turns out she had to leave first thing in the morning and H would not be able to get there that early. I messaged M to ask if H should collect me before or after lunch. I expected her to say after, since she always goes on about how she values family togetherness. I missed a call from her and then got a message telling me it was my decision. But then a message saying maybe I should leave in the morning to miss the traffic. There is no increased traffic if I leave mid afternoon. Adult me was pleased but child parts felt rejected, and also that she might be laying a trap. So I messaged back to say sorry I had missed her call and that I would phone mid morning. I guess I wanted to give her a chance to say the right thing, or gauge if there was a trap. When I rang F answered the phone and said she had gone clothes shopping. It was a stunningly hot day and she only recently went clothes shopping when her friends were visiting. I reckon she was deliberately missing my call. So I messaged to say she was probably right about the traffic and I would leave in the morning. She sent a saccharine message telling me that was good.

She was strangely subdued during the visit. We had a stilted lunch and then she took herself off for a nap. This was not 'I feel tired, I'm having a nap, please wake me at x time if I have not woken by then'. This was 'I am going to nap for two hours. Come upstairs at x time to help me with something on the computer.' Then it transpired that she had invited a neighbour over for a couple of hours after that. She perked up for that visit and showed off to him like anything. Then we had supper and she went to bed earlier than usual, with no demand that we watch TV with her.

Next morning she did not clamour at my door like she usually does, she just went straight down to start making breakfast. She has been going on ever since her friends left how she made them a full cooked breakfast every morning and squeezed fresh orange juice. She made cooked breakfast and orange juice for my father but we were not even offered any. In past years we have been.

My sister left to catch her train and then M turned completely. She became all sweetness and light for the last 2 hours, and went on and on about what a wonderful visit it had been. How she loves this family togetherness. It was quite bizarre.

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
Yes, it sounds very much bizarre.
Do you think your mother, on some level, is sensing that you are questioning the family dynamic? She may be picking up on the possibility that you are no longer willing to play along with the shared fantasy.

When my mother caught a whiff of anyone attempting to question her, she turned into a circus of abrupt and glitchy behavior— lurching from sobbing on the sofa  to hyper-hostess to raging piano playing to threatening violence. It was as if she was desperately flipping masks to see what manipulation would work to keep the illusion intact. I found it very sad and disturbing to witness.

It sounds like you've got a lot you are processing. I hope you can give yourself plenty of breathing room, NK.

[HannahOne]

What I notice is your connection to yourself even in the face of FOO shenanigans. Connection to TeenNK, to Adult NK, navigating that, and seeing with clarity the bizarre changing affects.

[NarcKiddo]

When my mother caught a whiff of anyone attempting to question her, she turned into a circus of abrupt and glitchy behavior

Wow. Yes, this resonates. And I think you are right that she is picking up on the changes in me. I have been systematically withdrawing and enforcing boundaries for a couple of years now. I (or rather Teen NK) was lamenting to my T at the last session that M demands this family togetherness but is now not playing her part properly to keep her fantasy alive. I was resenting that - if it's her desire the least she can do is facilitate it. But actually it stands to reason that her behaviour will go glitchy. If I am changing I guess there is no choice but for the FOO dynamic to recalibrate. It is perhaps an impossible expectation that she will play her part 'properly' if I am no longer playing mine.

Of course when I started down this road I guess I hoped that I would enforce boundaries and she would somehow deal with that either by remaining the same (and therefore predictable) or by accepting that she cannot get her own way all the time and will just have to be more reasonable. What was I thinking? Especially with the second option.

I agree that it is sad as well as disturbing to witness. This is someone I used to think was all-powerful. To watch her whole operating system stuttering in response to something I have done, revealing her essential weakness, is very strange. It's like watching a dalek going out of control and its knobs falling off. Funny, probably, if one were not in the fallout zone.

[sanmagic7]

NK, your M's behavior disturbed me for some reason as it was 'stuttering' (i loved that description, and the reference to the daleks).  it felt off balance just to read it, and one thing that came to mind was that she might be ill but not telling anyone (or at least not telling you).  however, after reading that you've changed the dynamic of that relationship w/ her, it made more sense.  changing the dynamic on your part has got to change the dynamic of the relationship on her part. 

hopefully, it means less pain and hurt for you in the long run, altho you did mention you felt some resentment.  i think that's interesting.  i've been there - wanting something, getting it but it doesn't feel the way i expected it to, resenting that it's not 'my' way.  ahhh, trauma.   love and hugs

[Marcine]

"It's like watching a dalek going out of control and its knobs falling off. Funny, probably, if one were not in the fallout zone."

I relate 100% with that, NK.

I got to thinking about a couple other things you mentioned— the missed call and her clothes shopping which seemed improbable, the deliberate lack of offering you breakfast— this could be, in her way, punitive behavior. As in attempting to punish you for not complying with the old rules and for drawing your own boundaries.

In my mother's case, she tried that and overplayed her card. She thought I would be deeply hurt if she withdrew her attention and that I would return to my old role in the shared delusion. It backfired and I definitely noticed the mean-spirited manipulation and non-love behind her actions.

[SenseOrgan]

To watch her whole operating system stuttering in response to something I have done, revealing her essential weakness, is very strange.

If you don't mind me asking, does she appear weaker to you or do you feel stronger in her presence, or both?