Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7 thank you so much for the broom! I love receiving virtual presents and so apropos of what I need! I put it by my bed leaning against the wall in the corner, ready to sweep away any bad dreams!

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, cagemates   and hopefully free birds too Thank you for reading.   

Dollyvee, Yes, all those are connected. hEDS is tricky, they keep changing the diagnostic categories etc. I sometimes wonder if I responded to trauma in some of the ways I have because of some of these neurological or physiological differences I was born with. Doesn't matter really I guess. Sigh.

I love that you looked up dream meaning. I used to do that. There's no one meaning of a dream but I love to get ideas. I used to be a in dream group and it was interesting to hear others dreams, and free associate together. Thank you for reading.

[HannahOne]

So deeply tired. I'm not sleepy, I'm bone tired. I hope I will sleep. My quads are shredded LOL. I can't hardly walk.

My pants are all too big in the waist. I hope to thrift a bit tomorrow. The weather change is throwing me. What to wear? I want a collared linen popover, but I closed my business so it's not in the budget. A little belt tightening on the budget now too.

Tomorrow it's also yoga Pilates day with the man teacher and the rock music. I hope I will go.

Then lots of mom taxi all afternoon and evening.

More and more each day I am  realizing so much of my upset is an emotional flashback. And not only that, more and more I know exactly who inside that memory belongs to. And more and more I can see the connection between past and present. And more and more I can acknowledge and validate that part, that feeling. And then it just lifts. It's still there, but it's not a veil over my eyes and ears, I'm not bonking into walls because I'm covered in the mood of the memory. I can operate.

I'm shocked at how much of my time is an emotional flashback. Today there was a man in my house. To check for bugs. Someone comes every six months. Before he arrived I'm panic cleaning. I realize I'm panic cleaning. I realize why. I turn to that part, I needed to panic then, hide, fix. Not now. I move more slowly. I am pleased with the appearance of the house. Then the man arrives. It's ok.... and then it's not. I realize why it's not. I turn to that part, thanks for trying to protect me, this is a bug man to fix the house, it's ok.... and then it's not.

So, I am deeply tired.

I think freedom is right here right now. In this noticing, turning toward, finding now again, losing now, noticing. I hope that it will become less tiring as time goes on.

[dollyvee]

Dollyvee, Yes, all those are connected. hEDS is tricky, they keep changing the diagnostic categories etc. I sometimes wonder if I responded to trauma in some of the ways I have because of some of these neurological or physiological differences I was born with. Doesn't matter really I guess. Sigh.

I love that you looked up dream meaning. I used to do that. There's no one meaning of a dream but I love to get ideas. I used to be a in dream group and it was interesting to hear others dreams, and free associate together. Thank you for reading

HO, I agree. Dreams are deeply personal and there is no "right" interpretation. The dream dictionary I use has often been helpful in pointing out the symbolism that comes up for me. Dreams are also very important to me.

I've never thought about how my "sensitivities" have affected my trauma though I have thought that it's interesting that I've grown to be so hyperreactive to my environment when that's something I had to do from a young age (and likely my dad and m did as well). I have also often confused my being so "emotional" with trauma and my overreactions with how I grew up. But the more I pulled back the health layers, and started taking care of myself in the ways that I needed, a lot of those reactions calmed down. And I notice a direct correlation between what I eat for example, and then how I feel at times.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

this is a bug man to fix the house, it's ok.... and then it's not

This is one of the most frustrating parts of CPTSD for me. However, the noticing, and contacting the parts if possible, and reflecting is a really important thing to be doing. It is tiring. In my own recent experience, though, Little NK is feeling more settled, so we are getting less of the 'and then it's not' episodes. Thus I have less to notice, and thus it is less tiring. Not much less, yet, because I still have to make sure Little NK is really settled and not just keeping quiet and hiding, only to have a bigger 'it's not' moment later on a different subject. Building trust takes time.

[HannahOne]

I'm ending up using this journal almost like an accountability buddy. A way to track myself. I don't have a therapist right now. I have to supervise myself.

I'm struggling at the moment. I got up for the kids, then went back to bed and slept. Which I badly needed. And now I can't get out of bed. I was awake but couldn't get up and missed Pilates. My body needs rest, I'm exhausted. But I'm also in a different state. I can't feel my arms. That's dissociation. The last few days included a big stressor with the school. The situation with my kid is incredibly triggering. I won't write about it here but it's incredibly triggering. I know that's what's caused this feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and depression. Immobility.

And now I'm not sure how to move forward with my day. Nothing feels good. This hasn't happened in months. It took me over an hour to even reach the computer. I guess it happened earlier this week with the dream. This is much stronger. It's like a heavy lead blanket over all of me. I am starting with wiggling my toes. 

I'm thinking shower, eat. I can't speak at the moment. And I don't have a therapist to text/ call at the moment anyway. So then maybe go for a crying drive with music to work through this. I do love to drive, feel free, watch the road unfold. Music. Maybe try some clothes. I feel bad, I know parts of me wanted to do Pilates, want to work out harder. But yesterday was a very hard workout, and my body is very tired. And I'm emotionally wrung out, I'm not sure lying on a mat with men in the room is really going to be workable today anyway. Even though I did really like the men! I just know it is likely that it won't be ok today for me. I will plan to go back to the class Wednesday night. I really liked it. I just can't do it today.

And this weekend is a big weekend for my kid where I have to show up well and function a lot. In fact I have to go pick up that kid in less than 4 hours. So I need to take the next four hours to regroup. Get into the present. Eat, shower. Walk the dogs. Go for the drive to clear my head and feel my feelings.

Having kids means I can't always do everything I want, I have to make a lot of compromises. For almost two decades I've been making that compromise until there was little of me left with the very high needs of one kid. I've been really working on doing more of what I want as my kids don't need me to compromise so much anymore. I used to have to spend almost all my very little free time getting myself into the right emotional headspace to parent. Now, they they're out of the house so much, so I have more time for things I want to do that use up my emotional battery.

But today, I have to focus on getting myself into the right state to be a parent in less than four hours. And for the whole weekend. So that is what it is.

I am disappointed and sad. I don't want to be this way. I would like to do it All. I'd like to parent, work a big full time job, be in great shape, make my art, take care of my house, take care of my pets, and do fashion, and have lots of friends.... How adorable. Haha. No one can have it All all the time. I am happy I focused on parenting, that was essential. And now I have more time for me. But I still cannot do it all. No one can.

And me, I can do less than others, and that's ok too. I am what I am. Acceptance is the way. I am willing to be All of Me. I am willing to be the way that I am. The more I resist it, the heavier the lead blanket becomes and I end up paralyzed in bed with tears on my face or staring. The more I accept what different parts of me need and compromise within, the lighter the blanket. It's already lighter.

Parts of me are angry and sad that I can't do more, can't do my plan, or are worried that not going to Pilates means I'm regressing, getting out of shape, or mentally unwell. Means I'm not being me. But it's the opposite today. My muscles are shredded and don't even have the energy, my brain is deeply tired, I'm emotionally wrung out. So not going today means I'm mentally well. Means I'm taking care of ALL of me, not just what some parts want. And I WILL get back to Pilates. I loved the class, I loved having men in the class, each of us on our own mat, sharing space safely. Just not today.

Up. Eat, walk dogs, shower. Pat Frank. Leave the house and drive. If I go to try on clothes, fine, if I just drive, fine. It's fine, HannahOne. It's ok. You're ok. You're safe here now. Pilates or no. You are ok.

[HannahOne]

Dollyvee, thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing a bit about your health journey and how the physical and emotional interact.

NarcKiddo, I'm so glad to hear you're having less of a"and then it's not" episodes. It can get better, right?! I also find I go up and down. Overall the trend is steeply "better" over the course of thirty years out of the trauma. I guess these small fluctuations just frustrate me. And yes, it's about building inner trust and that takes time.


In the end I washed, ate, walked dogs and went for my drive. Didn't really feel good, but better than staying in bed. Did the Mom Taxi thing. The community had a traumatic event occur. Going to sleep early and hope I wake tomorrow more snapped fully into the present, feeling more together than I did today. Sometimes I just have to ride it out, wait it out.

[dollyvee]

Hey HannahO,

I think when we were having to keep things together and functioning as a young child, it is done out of the necessity of safety and not knowing what's going to happen if you don't do everything, all at once etc etc (mild exaggeration here as that's I think what it often feels like inside--perhaps trapped in doing is a way to put it). The young you might have felt like their world was going to fall apart because there was no known outcome if it didn't happen. But as an adult, you can take the time, and pilates will be there waiting for you. Sometimes I find a break as a chance to revaluate where I am now, and what is important to me. Sometimes it's our bodies, or subconscious that find a way to force us to do that. Sometimes I think I am very good at running from any feelings by keeping busy and deflecting until they catch up with me. These are just my experiences. Please take and leave as you need.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]