Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

Blueberry thank you so much for reading and commenting. That's such a good point, I think I DID "pause" my paths.... but I can get back onto them. When the time is right. I'm juggling a lot. It can be hard to even remember what paths I was on LOL, so many spinning plates. Thank you for reflecting that a back to me. I'm so glad you can be easier on yourself. I have these ... ideas ideals... sometimes I need to be brought back to earth. Be human. not a machine.

SenseOrgan thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate what you shared about the interaction with the therapist. That's an important impression. A part of me is dismissive of this, wants progress, wants to WORK. But that's not what this is about, and not this therapy.

Thank you for the love to my canine. 

[HannahOne]

My mind is a tangle.

My heart is light and sad.

TRIGGER WARNING



Animal loss



TRIGGER WARNING
We had a vet come to the house and our dog passed away peacefully in my arms in the backyard. It was incredibly peaceful and I feel relieved because she was beginning to suffer, she couldn't breathe well enough or eat at all as the one lung she had left was becoming compromised by tumors. The liquid food was making her worse and I didn't want to keep force-feeding, for what. She could no longer rest comfortably or lie down for long. Three vets agreed. I made a small speech, thank you PR pro. I gave a small sermon, thanks to my seminary training. I read a poem. Thanks, Speaker for the Dead. Each kid to be able to say their piece, get their peace. We sang the song we always sing. I'm a professional mom, professional mourner.

But where am I in all of that? Always keeping the family together, moving, contained. Very familiar pattern.

I feel relieved because I have been extremely stressed for almost five weeks as to managing the surgery, recovery, then chemo, meds, syringe feeding, up all night for walks, trying to keep one step ahead. And couldn't. Each failure a shock, not what was predicted. Even ten days ago they were saying she had three months. Said she would respond to chemo. I would never have traveled had I known. They were so wrong. Everyone's an outlier on the bell curve. I got home on the day she took a turn. Readjust, regroup, attack again. But I failed. It was extremely aggressive. How would this end? So worried it would be a crisis for dog, and for kids. What to do now, now, now?

I feel like I did what I do. I solved problems, I gave beyond and beyond, I raced to stay ahead, and then I made the hard decision. And it turned out as good as it possibly could, the kids are not traumatized, the dog had the best possible course.

That's part of me. Problem solving, practical, focused, relentless, decisive.

Other parts are traumatized. Devastated. In shock. Angry at myself. Confused. Lost.

When my dog died when I was a child I was very traumatized. It wasn't a good situation. I was alone with my feelings. My feelings were very hard. I became depressed for the first time. The dog was my only safe attachment figure. Other things were going very wrong at the same time. The loss of my dog made those things unbearable, I couldn't do it without him. Life turned gray. I soldiered on. No tears.

I heard today, "It's impossible to be a good daughter when you have a bad mother."

Simple, but profound. I tried for so long to be a good daughter. But it's impossible when you're in an impossible situation. When being good means pleasing someone who is bad. When being good means doing bad things. When being good means being good for someone else's bad purposes. When being good means cutting off parts of yourself. Or becoming someone else entirely.

These are patterns.

Last few days I've walked into a tree and given myself a mild concussion. Dropped a plate and shattered it. Lost my wallet. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, and I can't process any more. I have tried to be good. But it's impossible. I would like to try being me.

The moment with the therapist and TBT last week continues to resonate. I did a LOT of therapy in order to avoid having feelings. LOL. All the alphabet of therapy, all to solve my emotions and get them out of the way of my goals! Yeehaw! A pattern: think to solve emotions.

I dreamed I made a dunking tank inside, full of my tears. A better use of them than stifling them. I like this image. I can dip into this pool and be cleansed, be refreshed. I can treasure my own sadness, or grief, or emotions. No one else will. I can do it. They are my tears. I own them. I don't have to deny them. Or stop them. They're part of All of Me. Maybe one of the most important parts. One of the most human. The thinking, the PR rep, the problem solving or the doer have value, but are not as close to the heart of All of Me.

I'm at a familiar place. Time moves, and moves in increments of loss. And pain rhymes. I got the dog when my longtime therapist retired eleven years ago. The kids were just entering school. I quit my job midlife crisis style and took up horse training. Found painting. ... so much changed. The dog carried me through over a decade of life, a big decade. And helped me raise the kids.

Now another therapist has retired on me, I'm about to lose body parts. And now lost the dog.

I feel like it's a bit too much grief work in 2026. I don't feel up to it. I am concerned. I can't become depressed.

Of course it just happened today and I'm probably in a little shock. And the kids needed support all day, lots of wailing, existential questions, seeking behavior. No room for me to have my own experience. We've been preparing for a few weeks, but then of course, there's no preparation for death. So I haven't had space or time. And that's concerning too. The pattern, I never have space and time, for anything involving my feelings.

I am not sure how to "do" this "grief work." LOL. I have gathered photos, put the water dish and harness on the window ledge. Another pattern, "do" the "work." Where's the feeling?

I feel nothing except the weightless sense that I am no longer trying to prevent the suffering of this animal who I am responsible for and love profoundly. Her life ended well. Mission accomplished. Something big completed, a decade's chapter done. End of an era. And all that jazz.

Tomorrow is painting class. I hope to go, kids' grief permitting. Life goes on, we must keep moving. Carrying our grief with us, our inner reservoir of tears.

[SenseOrgan]

I'm so sorry your buddy passed away so abrubtly HannahOne. It's couragious and compassionate of you to choose to prevent further suffering. A big hug from Holland for you my friend.
 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did right by your dear dog and I'm glad a vet came to the house. Now tend to yourself. Hugs.