Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Quite frankly, I'd be relieved if my afternoon student cancelled. But she hasn't. Probably better to push through with it than not.

[Armee]

Just a friendly reminder that giving yourself redt when you need rest is doing something constructive. 

I'm sorry it's been a rough time and that the hair pulling has been needed. Good job feeling the despair depression and fear. Maybe anger is hiding out there? When I think of my sh it's either feeling trapped, or anger that can't be expressed in a way that resolves anything.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I think you've been through a lot in the recent weeks, as you've been negotiating your relationships with various friends, and I just wanted to say that I admire your ability to look at those things.   

When you wished that your student might cancel, I was disappointed that she had indeed decided to arrive - and so I hope that your session with her was ok, and that you've been able to relax afterwards and re-charge your energy levels.  Or whatever you wanted to do.

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both Armee and Hope.    What you write is helpful. Thank you for your care.

I was at my doc's today. On hearing how bad my self-care is, he suggested inpatient treatment. I'm really lucky to live in a country where the state medical insurance provides this. Not that I've said "Yippee sign me up!" but I certainly could do with more therapy than once every 4-6 weeks. Of course I should be able to rally my energy and all the Tools I have and do those helpful steps to get back on track but I'm not doing so. As I said to my doc, I'm not even looking after my furbabies properly. Always a very bad sign. I should be able to but once more I find I can't. I'm back to things like doing laundry and then not hanging it up.

I realised today on a deeper level what the betrayal is, from both those ex-friends. Realisations tend to throw me for a loop. No wonder the year's been really difficult. Two besties where I felt this is almost like FOC have turned out to be supporting FOO in their head, feelings or even actions. One doesn't see anything wrong with it, the other doesn't even see what she's doing.

Partly I'd be frightened going inpatient to then hear dumb remarks from either therapists or fellow patients. I won't list any 'dumb remarks' but let's just say that those are the sort of things ICr. would say and the last thing I need is people who are meant to be helping me jumping in with ICr. Anyway, I have T on Thurs. and my psych doc tomorrow with whom I can discuss that kind of stuff. Going inpatient would probably be more about restabilising so that I have the wherewithal to take those actual steps at home.

[Snowdrop]

I can understand why those betrayals had such a deep impact. I would have found it very destabilising.

Whether you go inpatient or not, I hope you get whatever is best for you.

[Armee]

 

Hugs to you Blueberry. I'm glad your doc is looking out for you.

Uh oh though. I don't mean to minimize your self-care difficulties but folding and hanging up and putting away clothes hasn't happened here for a couple weeks. The clothes just live in live in pike. 

[Blueberry]

Armee, it depends on whether those clothes are still lying clean but wet in the washing machine and liable to go mouldy and need to be re-washed or whether they're clean and dry in a pile somewhere 

Thank you Snowdrop. I've just been watching one of the Trauma Super Conference sessions on "The Science of Stuck" and it was really helpful. I even laughed a few times in self-recognition. Spontaneous laughter is good for getting a bit unstuck ime.

Now, I don't think I call myself 'lazy' anymore but I do call myself 'unmotivated'. In this session I learned that it's not true. My body is what takes over during trauma responses and my body is motivated to survive, which in this case means protecting me by not doing.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I'm glad you found a presentation that offered you perspective and language to understand your experience.

[Armee]

I'm guilty of both, Blueberry!

But I'm not questioning your assessment of the severity of your symptoms and neglect of tasks. Just noting I fail on many measures and haven't reply thought of it as neglecting self-care. Come to think of it though i rarely drink water, am lazy about food prep and cleaning, and have nail polish that has been wearing off for weeks.

[Blueberry]

Today I found out that somebody whose healing workshops I took part in for a long time died in the summer. I'm sad, grieving. The good thing is that I obviously can feel sad so long as it's not overwhelming / outside my window of tolerance which all this stuff with my no-longer-friends is.  For me it comes as a relief - I can feel emotion!

[Not Alone]

Sorry to hear about the death of someone you knew.

Thinking of you and your decision about inpatient treatment.

Now, I don't think I call myself 'lazy' anymore but I do call myself 'unmotivated'. In this session I learned that it's not true. My body is what takes over during trauma responses and my body is motivated to survive, which in this case means protecting me by not doing.

That is helpful. I'm getting through work and other responsibilities, but when I am home in the evening I usually don't do anything. I don't have anything left in me.

[Armee]

I'm sorry for your loss BB and totally get what you mean about a relief to feel emotions.

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone and Armee for your compassion 

[Blueberry]

Today in T: aggression is an energy. It's what we do with that energy that defines it and decides whether the action is 'good' or 'bad'. I have been using the energy to defend myself and to set limits, but very reluctantly. And then turning the aggression against myself: SH, eating aggressively (bad for the digestion is ultimately bad for me) and eating too much in  my I-just-don't-care aggressive haste is obviously a misuse of food.

Then not wanting to feel my aggression so Not-Doing tons of stuff I ought to be doing and even want to do or where at least I want and need the result (cleaned parts of apartment, tidied desk, head and soul cleared of FOO for time being etc.) but instead disappearing off to bed re-reading books I know more or less off by heart i.e. slipping into somebody else's life, even if imaginary person's. Then falling asleep and dreaming aggressive things but ultimately asleep = state of inertia where I am Not-Doing. That was safest in my childhood but not now.

My T was also reminding me obliquely to not turn aggression against myself verbally. I did go back to my paper Journal to see what exercises I could do and I did realise I could practise them more often. The ones I tried yesterday or the day before didn't bring the desired result because clear in hindsight that I needed different ones though the different ones are ones I know. So today in T it was a bit like a synthesis of a whole bunch of different exercises.

Not 'liking' aggression is not liking what M and B1 did with it, how they expressed it. Important to note that I don't act the way they do! Not only do I not act it out physically! But I don't slam people I like or even don't like with derisive, untrue comments. My T said it's really, really important for me to learn the difference between aggression how it was dealt with in my FOO against me and how I express aggression now. Think I'm repeating myself here, but T repeated himself too because he said it's SO important. And I realised too. Aggression is the energy that allows you into Fight mode and fight isn't bad if you're using it to stand your ground, to defend yourself. In fact Fight is much better for me in this instance than Freeze and Flight and Fawn.

Quoting myself here because it's important in connection with what I'm dealing with atm in my feelings.