Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

Found the music for my MRI, or at least the 1.5 hour ride to and fro.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz6snoSNeE4

[sanmagic7]

hope your MRI goes smoothly and quickly, and you come out unscathed.

hannah1, fairy godmother sounds perfect for what you need right now.  and you used the word 'magic' several times, so it also fits with your mindset at the moment.  i like it.  and i love the white shoes, the grounding, the armor of them projecting strength, class, and whatever else you need for the specific situation.  my special shoes are clogs - they feel very earthy, grounding, and totally me.  and since i'm a jeans gal, they work perfectly for that 'look' of 'i've been around the block a few times, know what i like, and what i'm doing, so don't mess with me'  yep, my clothes speak for me as well.  it's such fun. love and hugs

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, thank you for sharing YOUR "magic" shoes, our own personal glass slipper. I love that they are clogs, earthy and grounding, and solid. And pair with jeans! 

[HannahOne]

The MRI was fine, it's a wonderful hospital and I'm lucky to access it. I cried the entire time and had to apologize for the snot, being face down and not allowed to move my arms for thirty minutes it just was what it was. I think being in a hospital gown with an IV just makes it real and touches mortality, even though I have zero risk of dying from this. I think it's all just sinking in, since November when the lump was found to now was a whirlwind of getting my kid graduated and ... other whirlwinds, loss of a therapist.... I've been kind of "waiting" for this MRI. Now it's done and on to the next steps. Don't know if it was the contrast or what but I was very tired today and felt foggy. I googled it and everyone says "why am I so tired after an MRI?" I have health anxiety about the heavy metal contrast but I drank copiously today.

I sometimes see myself doing or saying things that I don't really mean, and I Feel like I can't stop it. I don't know if it's just strong feelings and emotional flashbacks, or ... what. Sometimes I feel stuck in a mode, and I can see that I don't have to interpret things the way that I am, but... I can't find the gearshift. I hate some of these patterns. It's hard not to hate myself sometimes. I know that too is just part of being human, sometimes humans hate themselves, sometimes humans are upset.

In cleaning the house, I created a huge mess. My kid is getting a desk delivered and their entire room is now in the hallway. The master bedroom is a chaos of clothes laundry and bags... the linen closet is dumped onto the floor bc I couldn't find nail polish remover... Monday morning a man comes to fix some electric so it all has to be fixed before then. And today I was just exhausted. I still feel a little foggy and ears ringing. I'm trying not to think "It's the heavy metal settling into my brain!!!" because while it might be, oh well it's too late now. Then I think, "It's dissociation." Which doesn't make me feel any better. Then I think, "It's just a human being tired." I am tired but I also feel upset and angry and like it will be hard to sleep. Flounce, sigh, flounce.

I don't want any of this to be happening. I find myself again asking why, which is pointless. Why not? Another friend just got diagnosed. It happens every day, that's why there's entire centers built to help and people spend their lives learning to help. I find myself wanting to go back to last November. Or thinking I did something wrong, going back through my whole life to all the things I did wrong, or thinking about the Karma of it all, the poetry, what it means that I got this specific thing and how it all makes sense in the context of my trauma. I can make meaning out of anything, and it's a toxic habit in this case.

I also had a moment of clarity, in the sense that none of it matters, because in a sense I don't matter, the "I" that I am, I am one of billions, we come and we go. And to just be with what I have, what I am, the time that I have, the space that I am in. Because none of it matters in the big picture. Liberating in a way. I can get microfocused on the Me of it all and lose the sense of the All of it. There's so much more to this world than me. And that's a wonderful thing. Many many wonderful things. I'm just here to witness. I'm just here for the ride. None of it is actually about me, not even whatever my cells are doing. It's entirely random that I would be here now, and random that I would not be, or that I would be here now in X Y or Z condition... meanwhile the polar bears keep swimming and the ants keep marching and Frank keeps vigorously chewing his hay, one piece after the next for hours on end.

One thing that isn't random is the earth's rotation, the sun will rise and I will feel different. Sometimes the only way out of a mood/mode is to go to sleep, and I almost always wake up in a different one.

I'm not even sure why I made this entry, what am I even trying to capture and why bother. LOL.

Well, one thing I want to capture is that the blazer arrived and it fits incredibly and I absolutely love it. I will be wearing it a lot this fall. And it was $30!!! Maybe tomorrow I will do a little closet shifting and get out some of my fall things. I don't have much, a few mens suit pants stolen from my partner, a few blazers, a few sweaters. But it might be good to see the shift in season coming. In some ways I Feel I didn't even have a summer. I went to the beach once, for 20 minutes. I went to the pool once and didn't go past my knees. I was hardly outside. I don't even know where the summer went. Ah well, time waits for no human. I hope to wake up tomorrow in a better frame of mind and feeling energy again. Forward, motion, trot trot trot.

It got stuck in my head and now it'll be stuck in yours The horse would love this, it has forward direction and rhythm. 25 years ago I was taking belly dance classes on West 37th street in Manhattan, so Shakira fits too. We are more than flesh and bone....Trot, HannahOne, Trot! first, sleep. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mapfegnAXOg&t=3s

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad the MRI is finally done and that it was fine. It's still a lot, and of course you are tired after it. There's all the emotional build up to come out, apart from the actual experience. I hope you get the results soon so you can move on with whatever the next steps are.
 

[sanmagic7]

 

hannah1, may i question your statement about hating oneself is part of being human?  i always go back to babies, how we started, and i don't believe we had a gene marked 'hate myself' anywhere in there.  to me, self-hate is an outcome of trauma.  i don't think everyone naturally hates themselves at times.  but, those of us who have experienced traumatic episode early on often come out hating themselves.  just a thought.

here's hoping the next bit in your medical journey goes well and smoothly.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

NK and SM7 thank you for reading and commenting. SanMagic7, you can always question. I'm very much wanting feedback because I know I can't see half of what's behind my head. It's true, animals don't hate themselves. It is a result of trauma, everyone feels bad about themselves at times, but would more often have someone to let them know they may have made a mistake but are still lovable.

[HannahOne]

I woke up in a much more clear frame of mind. I got the linen closet organized and put back together and the master bedroom almost done. Did a load of dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, fed all the animals, took out trash...

Dropped kid off at a party. So much fun to have a teen. Blasting fun dance music as they get ready. They naturally feel beautiful, know how they like their hair, can look in the mirror, squint, and tell that the first top was better. The self-confidence staggers me. We put DaiDai on and all the bellydance moves came right back to me. My kid has been in dance since age 3 so picked it right up. I"m no Shakira but it's inspiring that she's just a year younger than me and can still shake it. Dai Dai, let's go....and the "ghetto kids" group. Very fun... more than that, how to explain. One f those moments that I say to inner me, me age 9, like, "hey kid, get a load of this... you made it to fifty and you dance with your teen in the kitchen, shaking your hips all over together, jumping up and down with the sun pouring in." Age 9 nods and takes it in. Somehow it filters back. Love can filter down and back to the furthest time. Not All of Me is interested, some parts are still furious, skeptical, too cool, or feels nothing could be worth it. But more and more, more of Me can take it in. We only have now. Yes yes, parts of me achieved a lot... I don't wanna strive for nothing, anymore, like Ani. I am going toward something different now.

I walked around my favorite river town but am very tired. So will head home and allow myself to lie down and stare until pickup time, which is after my bedtime. Feeling my aloneness, partner is at work. I'd feel alone if he were here anyway. Have to work my way back from the "strange situation" where he was away for two weeks. Have to reorganize, reconstitute the me who knows how to, wants to, be with him. It's easy to watch "other" couples walking, whatever and feel outside. But the response is always inside, to go inside. To be with All of Me, and then trot trot go to be with Someone else.

In considering again, the feeling I'm having is feeling unlovable. Not just unloved. I know I'm loved. It might be because of having sickness on my mind again. Being sick makes me feel unlovable, and neglected, and bad like I've done something wrong and am being punished. Maybe it's because partner was away... I don't think so. The change to fall can feel like the world getting darker and turning away... Not sure the trigger. Putting together an outfit can help me know I love myself, or trigger feeling "unlovable" and a panic attack.

[HannahOne]

I just wish I was someone else's daughter.

I know that's mean and a forbidden thing to say.

But it's how I feel.

If I were someone else's daughter.... fantasy, I would... be more like my kids. LOL. I'd know my worth. I'd not be so fragile in social interactions. I'd wear my clothes with confidence. I'd dance freely and play music loudly without thinking about it while looking at my eyebrows and cheekbones in the mirror. Maybe I'd have been a doctor. LOL. Too far, HannahOne, I can't handle dead mealworms.... Maybe I'd have chosen a career that worked better for me. Maybe I'd be happier, maybe I'd be more satisfied in my relationships. Because I wouldn't have this zero where a mother should have been.

I'm sorry. But my mother will never see this. So.

[HannahOne]

I know why I am so tired.

And weepy lately.

It's because I am grieving. I'm grieving my mother.

We have been no contact for years.

But now my oldest is moved out... I'm no longer the mother I was. And I'm dealing with breast surgery, the end of motherhood in a small way that meant a lot to me once. And I lost a therapist I had a mother transference toward.

So I'm grieving. And some of this activity is trying to outrun it.

So I'm going to lie in bed and feel it and walk around and feel it and clean my house and feel it.

I would like to have a mother to take care of me in my upcoming health problems. To come help me, come cook for me, clean for me, bring me tea. Sit with me. Squeeze my foot. LOL. I always squeezed my kids' feet.

TW abuse
I don't have that, never had it. Having emotional flashbacks to having been sick and no care. Sick at 2 am, cleaning up myself when I was 8. Sick thinking I would die with chicken pox age 9, awake at 3 am, afraid to wake her. I passed out repeatedly with the flu yet she put me into tights and dragged me to a family gathering, where I passed out again and woke up to her shaking me and yelling in my face to wake up. I was too weak to go out. She didn't care. She took me to the doctor for bleeding, and left dragging me by the arm and screaming at me. She did not care. Not when she didn't know, not when she did know.

I did not feel loved by her, ever. It's not that she didn't love me, in her own way she did. But I did not feel loved. And I didn't feel lovable. I've never really felt lovable. In the last year I've started to feel lovable. That's what the clothes are partly about. I am lovable. Like putting soft frilly pants on my baby girl and a bow in her two little hairs, or putting her in overalls and little leather shoes...I care what she looked like, how she felt, wanted her to go into the world clothed, comfortable, expressing her adorable spirit, her spunky spice. I took the time to pick out adorable purple t shirts and little brown leather walking slippers. It's taking care and taking time to care. That's part of why the clothes are so important right now, taking time to put them on, having nice comfortable ones that show I care about myself. That's part of what I've been missing. Just doing, doing, functioning, achieving, acquiring, creating... but not caring.

Caring also hurts. It opens a door. A door that has been closed my whole life. It's ok to feel this hurt, it's important that I do. It's part of All of Me. Part of being human to want to be cared for, to care, to take care, to know one's own lovability.

There's grief that comes with caring. Grief that comes with knowing I am lovable. Grief that comes with being vulnerable and sick. Grief that's part of life with CPTSD.



I feel lighter just having the clarity.