Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[Marcine]

"I'm finally ready to be the villain of her story if it means that her abuse is no longer in mine."

I completely understand arriving at this point. I've been there too. What an unfortunate fork in the road. It sounds like you know what you need to do for your wellbeing. I send my support.

[zen_racer]

No great revelations yesterday, nothing particularly bad.  But I was very productive yesterday, and set two things in motion that I am hoping will have a very large impact on my life.  One of them is simple, I got the new bed, and assembled the new bed frame.  First time in my life that I will have what seems like an actual full bed.  Until now, I've had a bed that was definitely large enough (until I got a cat that likes to end up in the exact center of the bed), but with just a frame and mattress set.  My old mattress was beyond it's lifespan (I think I mentioned that already), so I upgraded the entire bed to a larger size, actually have a useful "headboard" with a padded area, shelves, plug in for phone chargers, etc.  If I decided to install it, it even has LED lighting which might be nice for reading in bed.  It took a while to assemble.  I always laugh at the directions though. "Must be assembled by 2 or more people."  Ha.  If there's one thing this relational trauma has taught me (even if it isn't a good thing), it's to be 100% completely self reliant if at all possible.  I do machining for fun and hobby, and even if I'm moving a 3500 pound machine in my garage, I get it done myself with no help.  At any rate, I'm hoping that I will be able to start getting better sleep.  That would absolutely help almost all aspects of my life.

Ever since the craziness of my last job before I moved, and the more normal ptsd that it caused, and the injury to my right shoulder that lasted for years because I couldn't afford the time to let it heal, I've felt like I kept getting beaten down to a breaking point in more ways than I thought possible.  Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, career.  And then came the family that very quickly turned very toxic again.  When I sold my house and bought the one I'm in now, the financial part got a reprieve that was unfortunately short lived.  And then my gallbladder went bad and physically, I got to the worst I've ever been with losing so much weight for my size so quickly because I couldn't eat.  I feel like in the past two years, I've been overwhelmed, and yet I've made such good progress.  Once I had the surgery and started to feel better, I still had no energy.  Looking at everything I had to deal with, I realized that I just couldn't do it if I had no energy to tackle the problems.  So I spent all my energy (outside of a job that didn't pay enough and caused me to go into massive debt) on starting to exercise.  I figured it would take a while, but eventually that exercise would give me more energy.  At the time, I was pretty certain I'd need surgery on my right shoulder.  I've already had surgery on the left for a torn labrum, and both shoulders were affected in the work injury that caused the problem.  The right side felt like rotator cuff though, and I had already tried PT. 

That's when I started with the massage therapist, and with the exercise and her input, I found how I was mis-using my right shoulder to compensate for muscles that had been injured.  I managed to isolate those muscles and exercise them, and retrain my brain how to functionally use my right shoulder.  After a while, my right shoulder was back to 100% with no pain.  Unfortunately, that's when I started feeling so bad again due to malnutrition from not absorbing nutrients properly. 

I've been on the meds and vitamins for maybe 9 months now, I've picked the exercise back up, and having just completed PT for my hip from losing the weight, I don't think there's anything else physically to fix.  All my old injuries don't have a fix, and I've been able to compensate by staying fit and stretching.  Just since starting here on this forum, I'm starting to understand what I've been struggling with mentally and emotionally, and even though I'm still just starting, I feel like even just becoming aware and starting to understand is making progress.

The 2nd thing I did yesterday was make a move to convert some retirement funds into a way to pay off the debt from the job that didn't pay enough, and didn't do anything to compensate for the very high inflation that happened for every year I was there.  By the time I left that job with what inflation had done, I effectively took a 35% pay cut by not getting increases.  My current job pays so much better, and then I got the promotion, but I haven't been able to make much head way into the debt.  Inside a month, that debt will be gone.  I'll be able to start contributing more towards the current retirement fund from the current job, have enough money to live without worrying about it, and save money for house projects, etc.  For almost the first time in my life, I won't be living paycheck to paycheck.  The financial stress will be gone.

I just wanted to recognize that I've set out in one of the most difficult times in my life to start slow by working on the boring parts of life, by building a foundation from which I could tackle other problems I've had.  And I've done it.  My current job has course corrected for my career.  I've fixed the physical issues and am finally in great shape again. I even have a goal of being able to sit down cross legged on the floor, put my hands on the floor, and be able to press myself up into a handstand again.  I used to be able to do that.  With this last stressor gone of finances, maybe I can start to make myself believe that I've created a safe space to properly work on the emotional/mental aspects.

I wanted to recognize my wins, because even this morning on my 3rd morning of 4 days off, I feel like something is going to go wrong.  I'm screwing up somehow.  Things are going too well, and life is bound to come crashing in.  It's a feeling that has not always been present, but has persisted ever since I got the initial position where I currently work.  But they have been very verbal about telling me how great I've been doing, how much they appreciate what I do there.  I'm not doing anything wrong.  I've been able to take care of myself and create this safe space.  I just need the parts of me that aren't logical to start to see that.  I'm safe.  This is what choosing me looks like, and it doesn't make me selfish.

I didn't expect to, but I just had an emotional reaction while typing those last two lines.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm not doing anything wrong.  I've been able to take care of myself and create this safe space.  I just need the parts of me that aren't logical to start to see that.  I'm safe.  This is what choosing me looks like, and it doesn't make me selfish.

I'm glad you're safe. I'm glad you wrote that. I'm not surprised you had an emotional reaction. It may take a while for the parts that aren't logical to get on board. You wouldn't berate a toddler for falling down more than they walk but it's very easy to forget that our non-logical parts need repetition and reassurance.

It's great that you got your new bed. Good luck with training the cat not to take up the whole thing anyway!  And it's also great that you are getting your finances stable. Not having that sort of existential stress constantly hanging around is really important. You are looking after you, and it's wonderful.

 

[Marcine]

 

I've also got to quote it—
"I'm safe.  This is what choosing me looks like, and it doesn't make me selfish."

Yes!
And congrats for solidifying the foundation. Now you're designing and building— woohoo!

[Nori]

I resonate with so much of what you wrote. I feel inspired at hearing all the work you've done to shore up your financial and physical foundation. What a gift you've given yourself by taking care of yourself in that way. Those sound like great wins!

I also relate to that feeling around something going wrong. When you've carried so much on your own for so long, in spite it being a hard road, there is something familiar to it. When things go better, I've noticed for me at least, that it can feel unsure or uncomfortable. But perhaps it just takes time to get more familiar with it, rather than it being a sign that something bad will happen?

[zen_racer]

I'm not doing anything wrong.  I've been able to take care of myself and create this safe space.  I just need the parts of me that aren't logical to start to see that.  I'm safe.  This is what choosing me looks like, and it doesn't make me selfish.

I'm glad you're safe. I'm glad you wrote that. I'm not surprised you had an emotional reaction. It may take a while for the parts that aren't logical to get on board. You wouldn't berate a toddler for falling down more than they walk but it's very easy to forget that our non-logical parts need repetition and reassurance.

It's great that you got your new bed. Good luck with training the cat not to take up the whole thing anyway!  And it's also great that you are getting your finances stable. Not having that sort of existential stress constantly hanging around is really important. You are looking after you, and it's wonderful.

 

I'm sure my cat will try his best.  He is a pretty big cat.  Lol

Trigger Warning *** I had a breakdown while typing this.  I'm not really sure this should be a post, but I didn't want to delete it.


When I read that last part, I'm still having that reaction to it.  I think it's the part I left out, and I'm having trouble accepting.  That it's okay to choose me.

...

Wow, that hurt to write.  As soon as I finished typing that in, I started uncontrollably crying.  This time it didn't stop immediately.  I cried for around 15 minutes.  I'm still having trouble reading that phrase without starting again.  It's okay to choose me. 

That was intense.  That's the most I've been connected with myself in a very long time.  I feel strangely calmer now, despite racing heart rate and breathing.  I guess I'm not completely cut off from my emotions anymore.  I was not prepared for that. 

I am doing fine.  I'm calming down more.  I'm safe. 

I'm just focused on the sense of feeling connected.

Time to go process this.

[Marcine]

I'm not doing anything wrong.
It's ok for me to choose me.



Yes.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi zen_racer,

Reading this felt different from some of your earlier posts. What felt different to me was that this didn't seem like an intellectual realization. It sounded like something deeper finally clicked.

The sentence itself is so simple:
"It's okay to choose me."
And yet your reaction to writing it says a lot.

I've had experiences in therapy where I thought I was discussing something I already understood, only to discover that understanding something logically and actually believing it are two very different things. In one reflection to my therapist, I called it "somatic healing."

What stood out to me was not the crying, but what came after:
"I feel strangely calmer now."
"I'm safe."
"I'm just focused on the sense of feeling connected."

That sounds important, because for a few moments it sounds like you weren't analyzing yourself, fixing yourself, or defending yourself.
You were just connected to yourself.

And honestly, I smiled when I read that. To me, it sounded like you were experiencing something, not just thinking about it.

You are finally giving yourself permission to matter too.

And judging by the strength of your reaction, I suspect that part of you may have needed to hear those words for a very long time. 💛