Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[Marcine]

"I had largely overestimated my responsibility towards others and underestimated it towards myself."

A powerful realization, indeed. Inspiring.

[TheBigBlue]

Well done SO. 
 

[sanmagic7]

can totally relate to that, SO.  i didn't attend either of my parents' funerals for various reasons.  the pushback was there, but to this day i know why i didn't go and i'm ok with that.  i do believe our first obligation is to ourselves.

i'm just glad this is over for you, and that you had such a vital realization.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

HEY, HEY, HO, HO, so glad you DID NOT GO! HEY, HEY, HO, HO, three cheers for SO!!!    

So glad you were able to go with the internal flow and not what may be expected.

Just wanted to highlight what was a digression and also is worthy of pause, "My mother sacrificed me on the altar of her survival strategy. One contemptuous interaction at a time." My reaction to reading of her interpreting your own life to you via a medium was to think "she is whack!", and to feel a punch in my heart for you. That is a form of slow, water drip torture, one interaction at a time over your developmental years. I just wanted to reflect that back because it's worthy of taking in.

I'm sorry the mirror of your mother was so non-reflective of the reality of you.

[SenseOrgan]

A dimension of recovery I don't think I properly considered before is opening up for me. It is a greater space/tolerance for the opinions of others of me. This has everything to do with my survival "strategy" of shame and guilt, that was woven into my sense of self with a primary, interpersonal thread. Specifically shame has been an immense force in my life, keeping me locked up in my private torture chamber, hiding from people, hiding for life. Socially, often inhabiting only the space that's strictly necessary to survive, and being highly anxious even there. Masking as a clown. Nuancing my views to death. Terrified of judgement. Deep down, apologetic for existing. Even in the way I moved.

I write in the past tense. This implies it is behind me now. It isn't. But the fact that it just got into focus without me contemplating it, does tell me that it's on it's way out. I realized I made a lot of progress in this regard when I unknowingly shared a hoax in three app groups and found out I did right after. I apologized and deleted the message. Made a joke in one group, and didn't engage in further discussion in another. I felt some embarrassment. So what? It didn't cut so deep as something like that used to. This didn't touch my self esteem at all. I'm still okay with me. And I think I'd be okay with people thinking lesser of my BS filter or me in general. Their views don't really touch me like they used to, and I don't think my mes-ups are all that interesting to others. That has been said to me more than once in CBT. And that was't my lived experience until now. I didn't get here via cognition, I don't think (pun intended).

What got me here is a long list of what I did and didn't throw at it. But I reserve a special place on that list for the interactions I've been having with fellow survivors. Specifically you. Being in the safe presence of people who truly get it, is a significant part of what is replacing that thread of shame in my sense of self with love. I'm immensely grateful to you that I get to look in a mirror that reflects a worthy human being, and I hope I reciprocate that great gift. No agenda's, no targets, no questionnaires's, no diagnoses, no insurance, no therapist. Just fellow human beings, who offer to experience what it's like to be okay as me.

Earned secure attachment is real. And this is the interpersonal fire it's forged in, together with the inner work it takes. I love that I'm getting a taste of it, and I love that it isn't only a result of my own efforts. It's perfect that I won't get anywhere on my own. My biggest "mistake" was to become an island. I'm at least a peninsula now. Gondwana, I see you in other people's faces. Thank you all for being here.

Hania Rani - Soleil Pâle (Official Video) Directed by Neels Castillon

[sanmagic7]

and a big 'thank you' to you as well, SO, for being part of this place, these people.  as i read your post, 12-step programs came to mind, as far as the theme that no one can truly understand unless they've been there.  i've not found anyone outside this group, unless they've been able to admit to trauma (like my D) who 'gets it', who has understanding, acceptance, and compassion rather than advice, platitudes, or anything else that is definitely not helpful.

i agree, this is a special place, everyone here is special in the most kind, caring, compassionate way.  i'm so very glad you found a link that is helping you ease the shame that had been thrust upon you.  truly wonderful to begin healing from that.  it's insidious, which is why, to my mind, it's so difficult to grab onto and toss out the window.  sending love and a hug filled with scrubbing bubbles to help with getting rid of that shame.

[Marcine]

SO,
To know and be known. To love and be loved.

I am very happy for you that you are directly experiencing this flow and that you feel worthy of it.

Thank you for sharing your insights, inspiring, my friend.

[TheBigBlue]

Wonderfully said, my friend. 💛

And right back at you.

I think many of us have benefited from seeing ourselves reflected through your eyes too. Your kindness, curiosity, vulnerability, and willingness to keep showing up have made a difference.

I'm grateful we're all finding our way off our islands together.

[NarcKiddo]

My biggest "mistake" was to become an island. I'm at least a peninsula now.

I love this. I love your whole post. It's so true. I'm so happy that I get to interact with you and everyone else here.

 

[zen_racer]

SO, I like what you wrote about having more space/tolerance for other's opinions of you, and how that related to shame and guilt.  I related so much to what you wrote about how it affected you.  I'm still there now, hiding from much of the world, taking up the minimum amount of space and feeling like I need to apologize for existing.

I know I haven't been here very long, but I've already come to think of this place, and the amazing people I get to interact with here as more like "home" than anywhere else.  I appreciate everyone here.  Reading posts from everyone else and responding to them has replaced time I would've spent doom scrolling.

Logically, I know what you mean about becoming an island being a mistake.  I'm still in a place where it feels like survival requires me to become even more of an island, at least with how it concerns my family.  I appreciate seeing your example of becoming a peninsula.

Thank you for being here, and for accepting me.

[Hope67]

 

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7, Marcine, TheBigBlue, NarcKiddo, zen_racer, Hope67
Thank you for reading and commenting friends! I very much appreciate it. And I'm still struggling to juggle all the stuff I'm currently doing. I'm sorry I have to keep it short atm. 

TW/violent thoughts
Recently the dog started his relentless barking again after a relatively quiet period of about two months. Due to the heat I needed to sleep in my living room, where there's no escape from this noise. I had been severely triggered for days by other factors already. This one coming back now was too much. There isn't a more honest description for what this stirred up in me than murderous rage. I had very violent thoughts I rather not describe here. This I believe is an outward projection of what manifests as suicidality when turned inward. I prefer the outward one. Plus not acting it out. It's much healthier.

Soon after, I shared this in a support group. Being able to share this and the feedback I got was a big relief. When the dog started to bark again the next day, I noticed the trigger happening. And not landing me in the full blown emotional storm it had before. Something had changed in my relationship to it. Same dog, same sound, same situation. What had changed was my connection with others around the issue. They weren't with me, but the softening influence of my connection with them was. It carried over into this new event. A part of we was still part of me.

I knew the importance of bringing connection to very intense emotional states was huge. It has been transformative. Yet I had not thought of it for this particular trigger. Interesting. It led me to ponder a bit about the brain, meaning making, trauma, survival. That sort of stuff. The connection and validation I experienced before, dialed down the impact the new trigger had. If I wildly simplify what I think may be going on, I'd say that neurology that's infused with feel-goodies like oxytocine or GABA, doesn't make such a big deal out of x, y, or z happening, than that same brain does when infused with feel-not-goodies, like cortisol or glutamate. This must be a factor in the difference between secure attachment an unsecure attachment. It's a neurochemical relaity too. What, in this case a sound, means to an organism and to what degree it's activated is radically different depending on this factor. These neurochemicals paint a different picture of what's out there. And who I am in relation to it. If connection is in your bones already, a lot needs to happen to stir the boat. And vice versa.

My brainstorm hasn't finished. This is a note to self of sorts. I just finished Jessica Baum's Safe, and in the last bit she talks about a researcher who looked into exactly what I just noticed. Simply put, x amount of painful stimulus hurts less when connected to a safe other. This isn't something new. Yet it clearly hasn't landed in all areas of my life. What's most promising about this is that I was physically alone when the new trigger didn't hit as hard. A lot of things have happened in the short amount of time since, which include connecting with other around the noise issue. I feel less contracted around it now. The dog just barked and I wasn't nearly as reactive as I was just a couple of days ago. I'm not expecting this to be over now, this is very deep trauma stuff, but it is refreshing an angle that had disappeared into the background a bit, and it's great to experience a pinch of equanimity around even this trigger.

And since I'm here I might as well post an album from one of my favorite musicians.
Klaus Wiese - Maquam