Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

It could be, I've had trauma therapists call it "The Empire Strikes Back" in relation to whatever method being used to work with trauma. So when you get onto EMDR, it doesn't mean that the hangover, boomerang effect or whatever will be worse than what you're experiencing now. Because you / your system is learning to deal with it now. That'll help you in the future.

Thank you, Blueberry.  I've felt so disregulated the last few days, but it's subsiding.  It's been so weird.  For the day I had that presentation at work, I could tell I was feeling some kind of emotion, a lot.  Some big emotion.  But it was so foreign, I couldn't put a name to it.  I felt discombobulated.  I think I love that word for this.

One of the people I've talked with about this recently is a woman I've met.  I wasn't trying to get into dating anyone, and I've been upfront about being on a journey of self improvement and in therapy.  She's validated everything I've told her and been very supportive.  I felt safe enough that I opened up to her about what I'm dealing with, and how new it is for me.  She's also been working on issues with cptsd for a couple years.  I'm cautioning myself, because if anything is going to start, I want to approach it in a way to encourage a healthy attachment, and I may still need to figure out or learn what that is.

Maybe it's time to learn that I'm not alone, or at least don't have to be to still be safe. ... Wow, that hit home in a way I didn't expect.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, yes, there can be an aftermath w/ EMDR, including weird dreams.  from what i understand, it's the brain re-configuring itself.  EMDR helps the brain release old ties that bind and begin to function w/o them.  (I'm a retired EMDR therapist, this is what i learned from the trainings.)  it's a normal process and does settle down.  but, agreed, i believe it is best to be done w/ a therapist.  we don't know how deep any of our trauma has reached into our brains/minds, and having someone w/ experience helping us with this is always recommended.  i've had experience w/ how dangerous it can be by having a seizure once during processing on my own.  live and learn.

best to you with your weight issues/worries.  i hope that gets resolved very soon.  mine goes the other way, but i've seen dramatic weight loss w/ my daughter due to anxiety.  the results from that were not good, either.  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

 

[zen_racer]

hey, ZR, yes, there can be an aftermath w/ EMDR, including weird dreams.  from what i understand, it's the brain re-configuring itself.  EMDR helps the brain release old ties that bind and begin to function w/o them.  (I'm a retired EMDR therapist, this is what i learned from the trainings.)  it's a normal process and does settle down.  but, agreed, i believe it is best to be done w/ a therapist.  we don't know how deep any of our trauma has reached into our brains/minds, and having someone w/ experience helping us with this is always recommended.  i've had experience w/ how dangerous it can be by having a seizure once during processing on my own.  live and learn.

best to you with your weight issues/worries.  i hope that gets resolved very soon.  mine goes the other way, but i've seen dramatic weight loss w/ my daughter due to anxiety.  the results from that were not good, either.  love and hugs

Thank you SanMagic.      If I had weird dreams, that would be a bonus.  I literally never have dreams anymore, for a very long time.  I hope they come back eventually.  I fully agree, and won't try anything until I see the therapist on Monday, and after that only what he tells me is safe.  I watched a video on emdr sessions this morning, and they said the same thing.  But they did say that you can safely use bilateral stimulation at home just using it for reinforcing positive things, I think with affirmations.  I think that's odd, because that's what I was doing.  That said, I know how I felt doing the positive affirmations, and the reaction I had before from even just writing "It's okay to choose myself" ... which I'm still having a reaction to writing, apparently.  So maybe I need to begin where I don't have any negativity associated with caring about myself and being positive towards myself.

I'm so dead that I came home early and I'm going to take a nap.  I'll eventually go check out everyone else's journal when I have the capacity later.

Love and hugs! 

[NarcKiddo]

So maybe I need to begin where I don't have any negativity associated with caring about myself and being positive towards myself.

That strikes me as a good observation.
 

[zen_racer]

So maybe I need to begin where I don't have any negativity associated with caring about myself and being positive towards myself.

That strikes me as a good observation.
 

Thank you NK.   

I should maybe ask my T how to get to where I can be caring with myself and show myself compassion without having negative reactions to it.  I think my visit with my T this monday is going to be an interesting one.  He had me email him that letter I wrote, and I also sent a copy of that journal entry I wrote detailing my experience with accidentally doing the emdr.  I'm guessing we'll have a lot to talk about.  I want to ask him what the plan is so far, and what we need to do as the first step.  I'm fine if we have to keep doing what we've been doing to prepare me or develop a trusting relationship before tackling bigger issues, but I also want to know what we're working towards.

Yesterday is the first day I've felt better since that emdr hangover had started.  Aside from a very great lack of sleep, I felt pretty good.  I felt great after I went home from work early and took a nap (I had well over 40 hours for the week, and only left 1 hour early).

I'm going on a first date tonight.  I'm already trying to quell the overthinking.  This time it just feels different though.  I'm not nervous about trying to impress someone for a first date.  I'm excited about getting to go on a first date with someone that's already made me feel safe enough to open up to.  Someone that has made me feel safe enough to be myself and show my sense of humor without fear of judgement.

-- Maybe I do understand what safety is outside of physical safety, and I'm just used to being around people that never let me feel safe.  Okay, wait a second.  Maybe I'm just an idiot here.  All this talk in general on this forum, and surrounding everything related to trauma, about feeling safe.  Is safety an emotion we feel?  Have I had trouble with this simply because I've been so emotionally numb?

************ Edited to add the following
No, safety isn't just an emotion we feel, according to AI search engine results.

Safety in trauma recovery is best understood as a visceral, physiological state of regulation rather than a simple emotion or cognitive belief.  While people often describe feeling "safe" as an internal sensation, it is fundamentally a neurobiological shift where the nervous system moves from a state of threat detection (fight, flight, or freeze) to a state of calm connection.

Physiological Basis vs. Emotional Experience
Neuroception: Safety is sensed by the body's autonomic nervous system through a process called neuroception, which is an unconscious assessment of whether the environment is safe, dangerous, or life-threatening. It is not just a thought ("I am safe") but a bodily reality; when unsafe, the heart rate increases, hearing sharpens, and the body prepares for survival responses.
Vagal States: In therapeutic contexts, feeling safe is linked to the ventral vagal state, where the nervous system relaxes enough to allow for higher-order thinking, emotional regulation, and social connection.  Conversely, trauma survivors often remain stuck in sympathetic (fight/flight) or dorsal vagal (shutdown/freeze) states, meaning they may be physically secure but neurologically unsafe.

Psychological and Relational Dimensions
Internal vs. External Safety: True safety involves both external security (a physical environment free from harm) and internal regulation (the ability to self-soothe and tolerate emotional distress).  A person can be in a physically safe home yet feel psychologically unsafe if their nervous system is still bracing for past threats.
Foundational for Healing: Safety is considered the first breakthrough in trauma recovery because the brain cannot process traumatic memories or integrate new experiences while in a state of hypervigilance.  It is a prerequisite for trust, vulnerability, and the capacity to engage with life without fear.

In summary, safety is not merely an emotion like happiness or anger, but a foundational state of being that integrates bodily regulation, environmental security, and relational trust.  It is the absence of perceived threat that allows the human system to rest, connect, and heal.

[zen_racer]

Remembering what strength feels like in the silence

I think it's worth mentioning the letter I wrote to myself yesterday.  I had some pretty strong reactions to it in real time while I was writing it.  Both of the major ones were referenced in the letter, and it really did feel like something was squeezing my chest while writing it, and it did stop when I wrote that.  Immediately after writing that letter, brain fog hit with intensity.  I can only imagine it was reprocessing things in the background.

I went on that date last night, and felt a little nervous in the beginning.  I think that's probably pretty rational and normal.  Once that wore off, I felt safe.  Maybe not completely, not 100%, but I didn't feel judged or like I had to perform.

This morning, I wanted to continue that letter to myself as more of an open letter, or like a conversation with myself instead of just a one off letter.  I realized that at least for this morning, it was pointless.  It's like I want to force myself to feel safe, to let myself feel like it's okay to choose self compassion.  But I don't even know what it is I'm chasing.

I stumbled across more information this morning on being grounded and doing body scans as a way to get the nervous system to start recognizing that it's safe.  I did some stretching while being mindful instead of continuing that letter.  I spent some time with very gentle, very soft movements.  Seeing how lightly I could brush my fingertips against my skin up my other palm, up my arms, across my feet.  I stretched and tried to feel how my muscles felt after the stretching, instead of only during.

Afterwards, I felt lighter.  I felt so relaxed and had less tension, but it also felt like it was only a small part of the tension that was there.  For the first time in a very long time, I finally became aware that I am STILL doing the trick of muscular armoring to feel invincible.  It's armor that has become so comfortable that I could no longer tell I was wearing it. I still don't know how to take it off.  As much as I want that result, I'm scared to do it.  What if my quick reactions go away, what if I can't always land on my feet like a cat?

How can I get my body and nervous system to feel safe when I unconsciously feel like I need that safety net and super power that is far too costly?  How do I learn that even though hyper vigilance has served me so well, it might be time to let it go?  How do I tackle the fear of not knowing what I can predict if I just overthink hard enough?

Maybe breakfast will give me all the answers.

[NarcKiddo]

I didn't feel judged or like I had to perform.

I'm glad.

If your breakfast gives you all the answers please tell me what you had! LOL

Seriously, finding safety is a weird experience. At least it was for me. It took me a long time to realise that I feel safe at home these days. Not all the time and not always in every room, and it varies, and chasing the feeling is like - I don't know. Like seeing a small and beautiful bird out of the corner of your eye and wanting to look at it properly, but as soon as you start moving your eyes to look at it the bird knows you are planning to watch and flits away. Sorry, that probably doesn't sound very encouraging! I think all I'm trying to say is that in my own experience chasing safety is not all that fruitful, probably because, like you, I don't know what it is I am chasing. Maybe it's more like being open to it and waiting for it to settle down with you.

[zen_racer]

If your breakfast gives you all the answers please tell me what you had! LOL

Seriously, finding safety is a weird experience. At least it was for me. It took me a long time to realise that I feel safe at home these days. Not all the time and not always in every room, and it varies, and chasing the feeling is like - I don't know. Like seeing a small and beautiful bird out of the corner of your eye and wanting to look at it properly, but as soon as you start moving your eyes to look at it the bird knows you are planning to watch and flits away. Sorry, that probably doesn't sound very encouraging! I think all I'm trying to say is that in my own experience chasing safety is not all that fruitful, probably because, like you, I don't know what it is I am chasing. Maybe it's more like being open to it and waiting for it to settle down with you.

I'm sorry, NK, breakfast did not have all the answers.  Only like, 78% LOL

I don't even know if I'll ever feel like I've found safety until I try to do something like give myself love and compassion, and don't have the horrible feelings that accompany the attempt.  Since I can't feel any sense of safety, but also can't feel any lack of safety, I don't even know how I would ever be aware of having found it.  It seems like anytime I have hope of doing so, I find more ways in which I've ignored the danger and hazards around me.  It's like I've been drinking poison for so long, my system is used to it, and I can't even tell the poison is there.

******* Edited to add*******

I forgot to put this in here.  It's father's day, and I did call my dad.  He spent half of the phone call once again acting like I'm too dumb to understand anything.

I then later noticed that my M tried to call today.  I had thought maybe it was when I was doing work in the garage fixing my tire since I don't get reception in there.  Then I remembered that I set my phone to automatically silence calls and texts from her and my B on the weekends.  At first I felt obligated to call her back.  I then realized that 1 parent was bad enough, so I trusted the me that setup that silencing on my phone.  She probably wanted to act like I couldn't possibly understand when my phone calendar would tell me it was father's day.

[zen_racer]

This morning I laid down for 15 minutes before leaving for work, hand over my heart again. I could feel both rhythms again.

I started crying, and tried to just sit with it and wonder why.

"Why wasn't I enough?"

"Why am I still not enough?"

It wasn't a thought Adult ZR was having. It felt possibly like grief, but I wouldn't bet on my ability to correctly identify that.

[sanmagic7]

well done, ZR, for trusting  you and why you put those holds on your phone for the weekend.  i do believe trusting oneself is the way to feeling safe.  you just exhibited some for yourself, and it was because you took action to keep yourself safe from FOO on the weekends.  i think the more we are able to trust ourselves to take care of ourselves no matter what happens, whether it be by fixing it alone or getting help with it, the safer we feel.  you're on your way!

as far as i'm concerned, you are way more than enough.  why you weren't enough, or made to feel that way, is the fault of your caregivers as a child.  it's on them, not on you.  to do what they did in order that you feel this way now is just horrible. we are all enough just the way we are - babies know that instinctually - but the messages we received from the people around us can either reinforce that or take it away from us, and we're left crying with those terrible, painful beliefs.

mine was - if i'm not perfect, i'm not good enough.  quite a load to be dragging around for so much of your life.  so, yes, ZR, you're good enough.  you are enough, just the way you are.  keep taking care of you.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

You are enough, and you always were enough. Those who caused you to think otherwise are the ones who are not enough. You deserved so much more and now you are feeling your way towards finding out what you need and giving it to yourself. That's hard to do but it is so worthwhile. What you felt could have been grief. Well done for sitting with the emotion and thinking about it.

 

[zen_racer]

Thank you SanMagic and NK. The way I feel now, I don't know if I'm enough for myself. I have been abandoning myself until now. But I know I will be enough if I'm not already because I usually succeed at what I set my mind to.

I 100% know that I could never be perfect enough for anyone in my family to accept me. They have all shown me that, even my Dad when I called yesterday for father's day.

It makes a lot of sense that this is the first thing Little ZR has brought up. I still feel some of that now, but it's an amount that's leaving me functional for work. I think the thing that I should focus on is that I tried to check in with how I feel, and I got an answer.

I will be enough someday. I just need to stop getting any details on that from the wrong people.

  

[SenseOrgan]

Hi zen_racer,

I guess we all have some key moments in our journey where something clicked. Reading your last entries here, one of those came up. I'd been working very hard to "get better" for twenty years. Nothing really helped. In a desperate moment I was watching YT videos when I stumbled on a clip with audio from Gabor Mate. He said something very simple, yet profound. If this hasn't landed for you, I hope it will. He addresses addiction, but what he says isn't limited to that. It's about how you relate to you. In this moment.

Much love 


ish - Dr Gabor Maté 'value' 2nd Clue