Activating myself

[Blueberry]

I love laundry hung outside!

I like it too! Plus it saves cluttering my place up with laundry racks. I don't have a dryer. We tenants can hang laundry in the basement where the washing machines are, but it takes a long time to dry down there. I do that only in winter.

I felt very inactive today. Didn't even go to the farmer's market or run errands down in the town.

What I did do however was start clearing papers out of an old binder from when I was still working. I didn't throw everything out, but quite a bit. There are still many binders and boxes to go, but this was a start. It's hard partly because I haven't given up on my professional work emotionally altho it is clear to most of me that I can't go back to that work at all.

Of course I did my duolingo lesson, because I always do.

I filmed an animal out the window, hoping I might be able to see on my phone what animal it was (I think a stone marten, but it could have been just a squirrel. I'd prefer the latter, martens can be a pain when they move into buildings...). My eye sight is so bad, I could just see the general shape and movement. But somehow I managed to delete the little film   But at least I tried

I finally signed up for a freebie conference on aligning the misaligned body and actually took part. https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15756.msg163345#msg163345
It's an opportunity to learn and expand my view on some things. Plus for me it's really a precursor to doing any physical exercise. Also I feel a little hope, I guess, that tiny little spark I need to get up and continue.

[Blueberry]

Well, at least on Sunday I did two ankle exercises repeatedly. The toe exercises not so much, but due to the ankle exercises I then went on to flexing and generally moving my toes for the rest of the day and even now lying in bed, I'm doing that. It's a start.

There was another email from the foot and ankle guy, part pep talk, part reminder for tomorrow. I read it, so that's something.

[HannahOne]

Hooray for exercise!

And for cleaning out a binder. I can relate to having a bit of a hard time letting go of former professional identity. One step at a time. 

[NarcKiddo]

Well done for taking part in the conference and then doing your exercises. And for clearing out papers.    That can be very tiring, and overwhelming if there is a lot.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i agree with the others.  well done!  the journey starts w/ the first step, right?  whether we keep going, stop and rest, decided not to continue doesn't matter.  you're giving it a shot, and i think that's something wonderful. 

and good luck w/ the rest of the papers and binders.  another step.  excellent.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Well, at least on Sunday I did two ankle exercises repeatedly. The toe exercises not so much, but due to the ankle exercises I then went on to flexing and generally moving my toes for the rest of the day and even now lying in bed, I'm doing that. It's a start.

There was another email from the foot and ankle guy, part pep talk, part reminder for tomorrow. I read it, so that's something.

Monday and Tuesday I continued with these exercises, plus the toe exercises. I need to listen to Monday's session which I wasn't able to on MOnday, and then Wed's session is coming up too. They are about knees and hips, followed by back I think.

I'm still feeling more hopeful about my feet and am not in the "What is the use?!?"-EF. I really think it's an EF in my case, maybe in other people's cases too. But speaking for myself, it's like a deep-seated attitude that can't be shaken or dislodged or weakened by any words or thoughts what-so-ever. And it's mixed with FOO attitudes to life in general but also towards me as a child. Like the idea I was born stupid, defective, not as capable as the rest of FOO (including my sibs) and there was absolutely nothing I could do to better that or improve on myself or anything. No wonder "What's the use??" in even getting out of bed in the morning far less doing actual tasks - is very strong in me at times.

And how refreshing it feels when that deep-seated voice has gone off elsewhere for a while, or is hiding under a rock somewhere.

I was fairly active on Monday and Tuesday, by my standards. I even went for a little swim on Tuesday, got a ride there with other people, that was helpful. And on Monday I bounced around on a trampoline for a while, well actually without my feet leaving the surface. It felt good for my feet and legs. It's a big trampoline, but it's not mine.

Thank you HannahOne, NK and san 

[HannahOne]

I loved hearing about the swim!

I really identify with that "futility" EF. I get something that sounds quite similar to what you describe. It seems helpful that can identify it as an EF and understand and have compassion about the context of how it was growing up. And also noticing the freedom you experience when that voice is quiet.