Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, your last few sentences made my heart sing!  all your 'inefficient' writing got you to a place of knowing, of caring, problem-solving, and finally to happy.  that's about as big a YES as i know.  congrats on getting there.  i know it may have been a roundabout route, but to my mind that is neither inefficient nor a waste of time/energy.  i think it's wonderful to get to a place of 'happy'.  i can't see a better outcome.

i do hope you and the man who lives in your house enjoyed yourselves, (saying 'yes' to pleasure), that you ate (saying 'yes' to physical needs), and that you felt satisfied for making a choice of your own choosing (saying 'yes' to your own wants/needs).  well done!  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Dressed for beach in two seconds flat and out the door.
We are driving to the beach and getting food on the way.
Happy.

You got to Yes.
    

[HannahOne]

    

I don't know if anyone can imagine what a big deal it is for me to get to Yes.

As a kid I couldn't ever say no. I was harmed. And over time I fond ways to say no, mostly to food but also to feelings, my own thoughts, my own experience, physical sensations, relationships.... although outwardly I was somewhat successful, I was sometimes not living in my own life in many ways.

And I had so much inner conflict. Constant intense inner conflict, because I couldn't negotiate and compromise. I often wasn't even aware there was an inner conflict, I Would just get sick, suddenly have massive lung inflammation, get IBS, migraines, etc etc. Many of these things have physical causes given my genetics but the more I've been able to resolve inner conflicts, the healthier I've been.

Even things that felt good didn't feel good, because parts of me hadn't gotten to yes. Some part of me was always losing when another part won.

There's something really important here about consent, consensus, boundaries, and the process of negotiation internally.

NarcKiddo thank you so much for the cheer and noticing! I'm feeling really proud right now

SanMagiuc7, thank you so much for noticing that inefficiently writing got me to a much smoother experience   Anytime I have to make a decision sparks are flying, there's no grease in the gears. Negotiation is lubrication I suppose.

Thank you also for identifying the sequence. Wow! "Knowing, caring, problem solving/negotiation, and happy." That's so important. I'm so glad you identified that. Noticing, knowing. That's the first step, being willing to know there is an inner conflict. CARING. Wow that's so important and something I've struggled with for my whole life, caring about myself. And I've been working on that! Negotiating, I just learned about that.... and HAPPY. 

My new mantra: "notice, know, care, negotiate, happy."

[sanmagic7]

you go, girl!

[HannahOne]

Told the therapist I'v been seeing I'm leaving. For whatever reason I just have such a negative transference about her. I keep feeling she's annoyed, which she denies, in a slightly annoyed way LOL. I feel like she's like my father. I feel like she doesn't believe me, she sometimes wrinkles her nose and repeats what I just said. Like yeah, that's what I said! LOL. You've been a therapist for twenty years, surely someone has said that to you before, surely someone else has had that happen to them, too? I'm not sure why she doubt but I'm very tired of that look which seems to suggest she finds ME unbelievable.

 I feel she is always "thinking" and not feeling. She says she doesn't think that. LOL. I point out she just responded with "think" again. She said "Believe it or not, I feel compassion toward you" and well, I didn't believe it, and I felt triggered by her saying that, because it was like my father saying "Believe it or not, I love you/want what's best/etc" when clearly evidence showed that to be not the whole story. I could never believe him. "Believe it or not" feels like a challenge, makes me feel full of self doubt, like I'm crazy. My head started to feel pressure. I just don't believe it. I wish I could believe her but I find her utterly unbelievable.

It's partly how she speaks. "If I could change what I'm doing in a helpful way that is authentic to me, I will." I mean, sure, please don't be inauthentic. But when you say it like that, it's not convincing. It immediately suggests I am asking you to be someone you're not, which is not my intent, I'm just saying something about how you're being is triggering, because you asked why I'm leaving. Like, you figure out how to be authentically with me, I don't want to know about that!

Maybe I'm not thinking clearly. LOL. It just feels all kinds of wrong. I don't feel it's very helpful, caring or authentic to say "I'll change as long as it's not inauthentic," it feels wooden, the opposite of authentic, it feels like it's behind a veil, the opposite of contact, and it feels not compassionate or caring, maybe because it's so solution-oriented. I think it would be better to just be with my feelings about her. That would be a kind of contact. Sigh.

I told her I found her scary because I don't know how she feels. Of course, it could be healing for me to just be me, without performing based on how I think the therapist feels... but I'm too scared to even relate to her, because she feels too much like my father, in denial about emotions, or cold/steely/hyperrational, in a predator kind of way. It's not that I don't know who I am if I don't know how she feels it's that the lack of emotions itself is frightening to me. Frank would never trust her, because he has to be able to read the room, and she's unreadable to me. 

I've never had a situation like this, I always like the therapist and never feel they are so scary. Oh well! Moving on. It's not her fault or mine and I feel she could be a very good therapist, just sadly for whatever reason not for me. It was a pretty awkward session tho, up there on my top three of awkward sessions! 

All day today I thought it was Tuesday. And I clipped a pole with my car. I'm pretty dissociated. I almost cancelled the trainer bc I hadn't worked out, but I'm glad I didn't. It got me back into my body. I hope I will work out tomorrow. Tomorrow more work done on the house. Wednesday I see the city therapist. The station I use is about to close for a long time for work and that's so frustrating, I hope I can find an alternate way. I feel so much safer with the city therapist even after one session. It's instinct. Which I trust more now.

Frank has been thumping a lot. I was wondering what is going on and realize I think it's the heat and barometric pressure, there's frequent thunder even if not rain. And whenever it's about to thunder or storm, Thump thump thump!! It's shockingly loud, the hardwood floor is like a drum, he can really slam his foot down on the ground. It's hard to describe. It makes me jump sometimes. When he thumps, there's no reasoning with him, he has a wild eye and won't connect, he's listening, and ready to zig and zag and leap. I just made him a new box, since he has no burrow. I m burrowing into my covers right now and going to watch "arrival" a movie about aliens that I really like because it's all about their language and communication.

May all of us here have peace and know happiness.

[NarcKiddo]

"Believe it or not" feels like a challenge, makes me feel full of self doubt,

I totally believe that, and can totally see why it feels that way. Whatever this therapist feels or doesn't feel, she sounds very defensive. I would also not like it if my therapist was openly worrying about preserving their authenticity. That should be a given. Like when you consult a lawyer or something you simply assume that if they are licensed to practise they have done their exams and know what they are doing. (I mean, you might regret that assumption later but you should be entitled to make it LOL).

Anyway, I think you were very brave to tell her how it is rather than simply slipping away under some excuse or other. She might not have liked hearing it but I hope it was useful to her and maybe therefore to some of her other/future clients.

I'm sorry the station you use to see the city therapist is closing and I hope you can find another way that is reasonably convenient.