Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[Blueberry]

You can put a trigger warning in your own journal, not so much at the top as a general warning but rather within your journal before a topic you think might be very difficult for other readers. If possible with a subject like violence/CSA/self-harm  or whatever. And then End TW when the difficult subject is over.

Also general forum Guidelines apply, so no plans for violence towards other people, not even our abusers. And no swearing.

You can write as much as you want, and you can also stipulate what you want from other people, like validation and encouragement are fine, but please no suggestions, or whatever. Just an example.

Hope this helps.

[zen_racer]

You can put a trigger warning in your own journal, not so much at the top as a general warning but rather within your journal before a topic you think might be very difficult for other readers. If possible with a subject like violence/CSA/self-harm  or whatever. And then End TW when the difficult subject is over.

Also general forum Guidelines apply, so no plans for violence towards other people, not even our abusers. And no swearing.

You can write as much as you want, and you can also stipulate what you want from other people, like validation and encouragement are fine, but please no suggestions, or whatever. Just an example.

Hope this helps.

Thank you, Blueberry, that does help.  I think I know how to handle it now.

[zen_racer]

Since joining here, I've read so much that was so familiar that I've started recovering some memories and having a few EF's.  One of those happened yesterday after seeing the T for the first time, but it was bound to happen from what I had already started by reading things here.  This post/journal entry is specifically for me to try writing it down in hopes that it lets me let it go.  I don't want these memories.  I don't think these memories are good for anyone.  Frankly, I'm sobbing just beginning to think about them again.  I'm not saying don't comment if you want to, but I am saying I'm okay if no one does and I don't want to make anyone read this.  I'm not sure anyone should read this.

Heavy Trigger Warning for alcohol, self harm, and suicidal ideation/action for the rest of this post.


I had an EF, and then visual/memory flashback, about one specific instance during my 3.5 month drinking binge.  I don't remember the whole thing, so I don't remember if this was what caused the binge to end, or if it kept going after this.  I think this was my lowest point, in the binge and in life.  I've already mentioned that I started the binge to numb the pain, and it quickly turned into drinking with the intent to cause self harm.  That wasn't the only self harm I was doing then.  Some of the largest scars on my arms and legs came from that binge, I think.  Even last night after the memory "came back", I was apparently wrong about what happened during this one event of the binge.  I had an even more vivid recall of those memories this morning, on my drive to work.  I considered calling in.

I used to think that I had gotten drunk on vodka and decided to go for a walk, in a snow storm.  I thought it was a time I almost died because I was so drunk that I laid down and fell asleep in a cemetery, in a snow storm.  Before I got to this point in the binge, I hated myself.  I started drinking more and more to make myself feel worse and worse, because I thought I deserved it.  I wanted to make myself feel as horrible on the outside as I felt on the inside.  I eventually started getting the shakes the next day during the hangover, but I kept drinking more and more, and started getting the shakes from alcohol the same night.  I think this memory happened after that.  ... I wanted to die that night.  Just slip away so I'd never have to feel that bad again.  I had bought bottle of vodka and had a bottle of schnapps of some kind.  I drank the whole bottle of vodka.  I think I started questioning that the schnapps would be enough to finish the job.  I was too drunk to drive, especially in a winter storm, so I was walking to the store to buy more vodka.  It was too far and snowing too much.  I wasn't too tired, I thought I could just lay down, fall asleep, and freeze to death in a cemetery.  When I woke up, under the snow, I got angry that it didn't work.  I walked back to my apartment and drank the bottle of schnapps.  I was drunk for two and a half days, and my stomach was bleeding for over a week.  I remember not being able to stand up straight for around 5 days because my stomach hurt so much.

I almost succeeded twice in one night. ... Because of the more detailed flashback this morning, I remember it all.  I remember how much I hated myself.  How much I hated being alive.  I remember how much I hated the family that made me feel that way, and I remember being alone.  I think it took the week of healing before I really made a choice, but I think that's when I quit drinking.  Frankly, I'm not going to find my journal from them and read it now.  I think that was when I stopped feeling most emotions.  I think that's when I stopped having dreams.  It's definitely when I forgot about a year of my life leading up to the drinking binge.

Before this, I only had false memories of what happened.  In my mind, I had only done a 3 week drinking binge, and it was only because I decided to try having one for fun because I never had before.  But because of the journal I kept, I know it was 3.5 months.  I know it was because everything in my life imploded right then.  And I know that because of the worst and most traumatic of the events leading up to this, I was nonstop attacked by my M.

Okay, that's as far as I can go right now.  I'm sorry if anyone has read this, but it did help me feel better. 



 

[zen_racer]

I just wanted to make a quick note this morning.  Getting that out yesterday did help, more than I would've guessed.  I immediately felt better, and still feel better this morning.  Also worth remembering, after I was done pushing past the intense feelings and memories, it became less intense.  It was no longer like sitting in the moment when it was happening.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad that getting it out has helped. You may get a few after effects yet - I hope you don't - but that does not mean it was not an overall good thing for you. I only mention this because it would be a shame if an EF should come up and you start wishing you hadn't written down the memory. Sometimes it is what we need to do so our bodies can understand that the memory is past history and not a current situation. Your new T should be able to help you as you explore what are the best ways for you of processing all of this.

I have read your story and while I found it sad to read that was only because of what was happening to you. I did not personally find it at all triggering, even though alcohol has played a large part in my life. I just wanted you to know that helping yourself in this way does not automatically mean others will get distressed. Your trigger warning was fine.

[sanmagic7]

ZR, thank you for sharing this part of your life.  i was also able to read it all, even w/ an alcoholic background.  i'm just sorry you had come to that point about yourself and feeling all alone.  it's a terrible, horrible feeling.

i'm very glad it helped you feel better to write it out.  i do that quite often in my journals, and for me it feels like releasing some of the poison i've been carrying inside me.  i'm glad you're here.  keep up the good work!  if i may, i'd like to send love and a hug to you.  if that's not ok, let me know and i won't do it anymore.  i know it can be upsetting for some people, and i don't want to upset anyone.

[zen_racer]

NK, thank you for letting me know about the potential for more reverberations from this.  I don't think I'm going to regret writing that down.  I wish I didn't experience it back then though.

Thank you for telling me that it wasn't as bad for triggering other people as I thought.  I think I'm recognizing that until I wrote it down, the emotions and memories were so vivid, I could not separate how I felt back then from how I felt in the present day.  I was stuck feeling everything, it makes sense that I'd lost my sense of scale in that way.  I just wouldn't want to cause any issues for anyone else, and would rather err on the side of caution as I get more oriented here.

sanmagic7, thank you for what you said, especially all of the first paragraph.  It was difficult to share, not because of letting out some secret about me.  Because it felt like I was somehow taking advantage of the forum.  That did feel like releasing some of the poison.  You're right, that was a terrible, horrible feeling.  I would gladly accept a hug. 

Is it weird to feel like I don't really deserve how nice everyone has been to me here?

Over the last couple days, I haven't been very good at taking care of myself.  Not really bad, but getting too preoccupied and run down to care about eating much.  I'm eating a plate of raw veggies dipped in ranch dressing.  I'm really looking forward to the 3 day weekend with no races and no demands on my time.  An actual rest.

I mostly felt better all day.  Surprisingly to me, typing in this response took it's toll.  I guess one of those after effects already.  It's taken me around 2 hours to type this in.

I think I feel dissociation trying to kick in.  In brief moments, I'm finding myself trying to believe that I'm fine, I'm happy, and nothing is going on.  I don't know if it's coincidental, likely not, but I didn't feel like this until I told an acquaintance, a friend, what I'm dealing with.  I think I told him so he'd decide I was crazy or too much and leave me alone.  Instead, he told me that he knows a little bit about trauma, he understands how difficult it can be, and that I shouldn't have to go through it alone.  He offered to listen whenever I need or to give space if I need it.  I impulsively don't trust him and want to run away from that friendship, but I also know that none of that is actually about him.  It's me and my past.

Yeah, I could use a hug.

[sanmagic7]

 

there will be more on the way. 

[Marcine]

Hi Zen racer,

"Is it weird to feel like I don't really deserve how nice everyone has been to me here?"

It's not a weird feeling as far as I am concerned. I've struggled to feel deserving of connection and belonging. It took me a while to be able to trust enough to put my full weight onto this here forum. And it holds. The acceptance is real.

[NarcKiddo]

I impulsively don't trust him and want to run away from that friendship

That resonates. The instant regret when we open our door just the tiniest crack and the person doesn't do what they are supposed to do. They say a good and supportive thing instead of dropping us like a hot potato. You are right to be aware of your increased vulnerability now you have given this information. You could be unlucky enough that this person will take advantage. My feeling is it's probably worth giving him the benefit of the doubt at this stage, since you have acknowledged that your reaction is about you and not him. The dangerous ones in my experience say the first things (you shouldn't be alone, I will lend an ear etc etc) because they want to enjoy the drama, but don't often also make the offer to give space if you need it. I hope this turns out to be an experience where you actually make a good and supportive connection. Your willingness to show vulnerability rewarded by a person who will indeed listen if you want and give you space if you need. I think it is a big, brave step that you told anything to another person, especially someone you see in real life, so well done.

 

[HannahOne]

Hi ZenRacer, I am taking care of myself by not reading something I know will trigger me, AND, I skimmed and wanted to say welcome again and yes, it feels weird to be cared about even distantly, virtually, anonymously. We all try to be supportive and hopefully it will come to feel more usual over time.

[zen_racer]

Thank you everyone.

sanmagic7

Marcine, thank you for helping me not feel alone in this.  And for this forum, it is that I don't feel like I deserve it.  I haven't done enough to have earned.  I know that's not how it works, but I guess that is the way either I adapted or my parents and others trained me to think.

NK, I hadn't even thought about me being more vulnerable and maybe I should be more weary.  For me, it was that I figured telling him that was an easy way to not be bothered anymore.  When he was empathetic and nice, my reaction was ... I think a defense against how many people have used me, abused me, and or abandoned me.  I guess it's a reaction based on fear of trusting anyone again.  I definitely relate to "they didn't do what they're supposed to".  I was going to say that this was the first person in real life I've told, but that's not quite true, though I don't really ever see the other person.  The other person is my ex-wife and 1000 miles away.  That's a whole other story, we're on good terms though.  Thank you for helping me see the positive step.

HannahOne, thank you for heeding the warning and once again modeling self care for me.  Your posts are why I've tried to drink more water and eat.  I don't want to cause any issues for anyone, and I would feel guilty if I did.  I'm glad that didn't happen.  I appreciate everyone here, and everyone has been so nice and supportive.  I think my issue is just that I don't feel like I deserve it, that I haven't somehow earned it yet.  I'm trying to remember that's an adaptation to trauma, not how things actually work here.

[sanmagic7]

i believe you are absolutely correct, ZR, that it isn't how things work here.  we are valuable and worthy of care and kindness simply because we exist, not cuz of time spent here or how much we've done.  but we also get how very uncomfortable it can be at times to get kindness w/o doing something to 'earn' it.  for me, that's old notices given to me by my parents, teachers, other authority figures while i was growing up, then reiterated by others in relationships during my adulthood. 

i've found it takes practice to be able to accept kindness from others, and at times i'm still not very good at it.  but it's better than it was before.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hey ZR,

I'm glad that your session with your t went well. It sounds like a positive expereince and he was able to outline some things and what to expect. It's also great that you're looking more into self care, and trying to do those things for yourself. While we can't be perfect all the time, it's helpful to remember the impulse to do those things is in you and that you can manage it.

When I saw that type of thing here, I could see how it could be helpful.  So I tried to envision talking with my child self, and each time I did that, my first instinct was to hit that kid.  I was repulsed by that kid.  And I don't know why.  Is that treating the victim like it's his fault?  The way my tormenters would do that when I was a kid (and still try to do to this day)?  Is it just being angry that all that trauma from back then has screwed up my life?  I don't know.

Sometimes from an Inner Critic sense, we can also carry introjects of our parents/peoples' behaviour within us as a part (ie inner critic). I don't know much about your history, or if this was someone's response to treat you that way, but perhaps that's why the impulse didn't make sense. It could also be that you had to be very hard on yourself as a means to survive.

I hope you're able to make more progress with your t as things come up.

Sending you support,
dolly

[zen_racer]

Thank you dolly,

It was a positive experience with the T.  I've gotta admit though, since learning about cptsd, reading about it, remembering more and having EF's, I've been having a lot more headaches.  I have tried to at least do some of the self care, but I haven't been very good at it.  I've been dehydrated enough that the last couple nights I've had problems with my legs cramping.

And yeah, I do have a very harsh inner critic.  With one of my parents and my brother, if they noticed I existed, it was most likely going to be a bad experience for me.  With my brother, the abuse could be any kind of cruelty he found entertaining that day, but most often it was physical violence.  You're right, I did have to be very hard on myself as a means to survive.  I don't know why, but that's a little difficult to accept that realization right now even though I know it's true.  I want to think the way I was treated even by the abusive people wasn't that bad, but it really was. ... The physical response I just got from admitting that was intense.  Back then, if my brother noticed my existence, he might be nice, but most often he'd punch me, trip me, kick me, pull my hair, shove me down stairs, sit on me and not let me breathe.

I think there's some component of hating what all that trauma has done to my life.  Hating that until now I had no idea what it was.  Hating my past self for putting up with it, for freezing and fawning, for erasing so much of myself to try and gain approval from people that would never give it.  Hating that I didn't just break all contact as soon as I got away from those people.  I'm just speculating though, brainstorming for possible reasons why.

Thank you for being supportive, dolly.  I'm sorry that responding to this took me to some darker places.