Living As All of Me

[TheBigBlue]

... I am feeling my feelings.
... I seem to have specific feeling states that come up. You could call them emotional flashbacks.
... They are MY feelings. I own them. Nothing on the outside can fix or change them.
... lately I can notice, observe, and I just know in my gut what that feeling is about, what it's from. I feel very connected to my feelings.
... tell myself, "Ok, these are MY feelings. They are inside me. I own them. I don't have to solve it right now.
- I have a submit/hopeless/helpless state. It comes up in a relationship where there's a misattunement.
- I have a depersonalization/dissociation state. I guess that's a form of flight. It comes up when the misattunement is more serious? If there's something like betrayal with gaslighting.
- I have a state of longing sadness. It is a profound despair and hopelessness that's paralyzing
- I have a state of rage, but it's been hard to recognize because it's so internal. Fight was very risky growing up and never really worked for me.
... The more I am noticing, ... The more I feel my feelings and own them as mine from the past, as the feelings of parts of me, the more freedom I may have in the here and now, the more choices will actually be possible for me here and now.

Hi Hannah,

Thank you for putting this into words so clearly (I am including parts as quote here, so I can get back and re-read them). I recognize so much of what you describe in myself, especially the dissociation when reality gets questioned, the kind of "attachment cry" that doesn't actually reach outward but collapses inward into something heavy and hopeless, and the internalized rage that never quite gets to exist safely as anger.

What really stood out to me is how you describe noticing these states as yours — as something that belongs to you, rather than something that just happens to you. I think that's exactly where I'm not yet fully there.

For me, most of this is still happening in hindsight. I can look back and say, "that was the falling state," "my attachment wire got triggered" or "that was dissociation," but in the moment it still feels completely real, like it is reality rather than a state I'm in. So I'm just starting with post-event analysis, and not yet at real-time recognition.

At the same time, reading your post helps me see that this is actually a stage, not a personal failure — that there's a progression from being fully inside it, to seeing it afterward, to eventually catching it while it's happening. That part gives me some orientation.

I also relate a lot to what you wrote about coping by needing nothing from anyone and doing everything yourself. That feels very familiar. And maybe that's also why those attachment-based states feel so overwhelming when they do come up — because there isn't much internal expectation that they can be met/repaired.

What you wrote about allowing yourself to feel and name what happened, what didn't happen, and what should have happened ... that feels both right and still very hard for me. But I can see how that's where more freedom would come from.

So I think I'm behind you in this process, but your post makes the path a bit more visible.

Thank you for that. 

[TheBigBlue]

You are not alone!

... At the top of the screen it says CPTSD.org. I guess that's what this is. CPTSD.

I had a rupture with my therapist last Monday — my abandonment wire got triggered hard. I could only make sense of it way later (post-event), not in the moment.

Yesterday we repaired it.

At the end I asked her, "I bet 99% of your patients wouldn't have been triggered by that comment, right?"
She said, "Probably."
I asked, "So what does that say about me?"
She smiled and said, "That I don't have many patients with CPTSD."

We both smiled in recognition.

[NarcKiddo]

You describe the ebbs and flows of CPTSD so well, HannahOne. I wish you didn't have to experience them. I wish none of us did. But we do. And we are lucky to have what we have and we are still entitled to feel sad and angry and unlucky sometimes when we think about what we didn't have.

 

[HannahOne]

NK, TBB, thank you so much for commenting. I stayed in bed longer than I should have in order to be on time but I guess that's the best I could do and now I have to run but I wanted to reply. TBB, I will respond to your comments later today but thank you. I really appreciate what you wrote. You too, NK! Off I go to have an easy peasy day!

[HannahOne]

TheBigBlue, I just wanted to reply to your comments, thank you for sharing some of your experience. I'm so sorry that you can identify with some of it. CPTSD. Sigh.

It is a big shift to own my feelings. It's not exactly an act of will, it's more that suddenly I recognize them. I feel that they are mine. They are me. They are parts of me. They are recognizable now. It can feel like they're happening to me but as soon as I realize they are parts of me, I realize they are mine, coming from inside me, so it is a part of me is making the feeling, wants to deliver me a message. The message might be that it feels unsafe. That it thinks it needs to protect me by creating dissociation or hiding. Or part of me is feeling angry. Or part of me is feeling a sense of aloneness and despair. It's not All of Me feeling that---so I have a little space from it, I'm defused. It's part of me, and then there's also the part of me that notices.

I want to say your experience is definitely not a personal failure. I'm not even sure I'm "farther along," whatever that may mean. I think it takes time to develop a relationship with yourself. We didn't have time to develop a relationship with ourselves, right? We had to spend all our time and energy monitoring the parent, pleasing the parent, hiding from/running from the parent, managing the parent, erasing ourselves so not to cause a problem, making ourselves useful to the parent. So we didn't get to use all that time and energy to develop a relationship with ourselves. And I think that relationship with oneself is a big part of owning my feelings as mine. I'm having the time and space and energy to notice, to focus on myself, and my experience, and relate directly to it. I think that's what's making the difference.

In the past I often avoided my emotions. Good plan, saved my cookies more than once! No time to feel feelings when you're getting beaten. In the past I stuffed my emotions, forcibly tried to shut them down. Great idea, saved my cookies many times. No space to feel feelings when you have to function. Etc.

As you said, in the past the attachment cry led to nothing. The bottle stayed empty. Or the figure who came to the door was not the safe parent, it was the scary drunk one, the abusive one. But now, when I feel that attachment cry, I am there. It sounds like not enough or like a mind trick but "internal attachment" is working better even than any therapeutic relationship did. It's undoing the expectation that I won't be met.

So is being here with you and others. 

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Solidarity!!

[HannahOne]

I spent the day at the painting studio. It was good to go. I like some of the people. I still am not good at painting the way I want to be. I struggle with the ruling pen and ruler in making straight lines. I make splotches. It triggers shame, as if my wobble reflects an inner spiritual stain or weakness. I am not sure what to do with painting in my life. I do love it but it also somehow doesn't feel quite like me. It feels like trying to be something. I like to learn, aspire. I'm just not sure.

I had a shift at the wildlife rehab this week too. I like that pretty well. There's really nothing triggering there. The only thing that is triggering is if I'm not sure what I Should be doing, I get anxious. But overall there's always more fruit to cut up, dishes to wash, laundry to throw in (the raccoon laundry has to be separate!!), and more SQs to feed. It feels like doing something good, something to help and rescue, which scratches an itch for sure. And it's active. In general I'm very in the moment, I have to be or the SQ will escape/I'll end up covered in SQ formula/I'll cut off my finger/I'll end up mixing up the raccoon laundry with everyone else's/I won't know which tied shut pillowcase contains SQ 4869 and which pillowcase contains SQ 4868. I like being with others doing the task. Everyone is nice. And it feels like "doing something." I come home tired and ready to rest, feel satisfied.

Part of me is angry or disdainful. What am I doing wasting time at a wildlife rehab? I am a sucker for not getting paid. I have three masters degrees and I'm doing laundry and dishes? What is wrong with me?

Ah, the inner meanie, the parental introject, the troll.

I'm focusing on allowing myself to have a life worth living. With PT, the gym, the wildlife rehab, painting, the occasional poetry reading, and trying to cultivate a friend or two, it feels like it's getting there. I am going to count hours in bed next week but I would say 80% of the awake time I am not in bed now. And that's pretty great. I do need time to rest and as friends here have pointed out, I need to find that balance and be aware of when I'm in flight from feelings.

I still want to explore drawing more and spend more time in the art community. And I need to get access to a pool. Around and amongst all of that is the kids' lives and running the house, the grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, cleaning, pet care, taxi-ing, appointments and documents and air traffic controlling of the family. I feel like I am finding a life that can work for me, can be worth doing and being in.

Some part of me is critical. Is this enough? Was it worth it? Nothing will be enough. Nothing will be worth it. I think that is the question of an abuser. How could anything be worth my integrity, my soul? It wasn't a CHOICE. I didn't weigh it and decide it would be worth it. I was a child. 

Some parts of me feel very weary. It was a big week. Being an adult is not what I thought it would be as a kid. It's a lot of work. And a lot of uncertainty. I don't know if I'm doing well. I don't know if I could be doing better. What does better even mean. What is it that I want? What do I need? What is important? So many uncertainties. And you just get up, make breakfast, do what's in front of you and try to stay ahead of the laundry and be on time for pickup, smile, hug, ask about the day, track the moods, the friends, the gossip, validate the feeling, open up the sore spot, commiserate, make space. Make the snack. Pick up the sock.

Lately I feel much less like I'm letting someone down all the time. I don't feel anymore that someone inside is disappointed, that I would be better off if I'd not survived, that I shouldn't be there, that I've done it all wrong. I mean the inner troll will always be disappointed and nihilistic. But the little me's are not disappointed. They never needed me to become anything other than what I am. They just need me to remember them, notice them, respect their points of view, be with them. That's a new thing.

I always heard that what matters in life is relationships. Love. People. And sure sure, right, yeah. But to be honest I didn't really FEEL that. I acted like that was true, I believed it. But now I am feeling it. It really doesn't matter what I do, what matters is how I can be present, first to myself, and also with and for others who are also present with and for me.

Relationships are difficult. I struggled for so long to find safety in them. I've been able to say no more and more. This week I said a very scary no. And it went great. the person totally accepted my no. The more I can listen to myself when I feel tension, and find a way to express what I need, the easier relationships can be.

Monday I resume the medical journey. I'm changing meds to Tamoxifen. Feeling horrible so far. Everything hurts. Monday is the pulmonologist. Then an appointment twice each week in May with the other specialists. And time for an MRI again to check my status. And then hopefully nothing on the scan, hopefully we can find a way to balance the different body systems and meds in order of priority (breathing being number one!) and hopefully this summer surgery will be approved.

My knee is having a little setback, which is common with tendons. 9 months to full recovery, I'm at about month 4. But I've dropped a pant size and am so much stronger. I helped a friend move a bunch of boxes of books today. Could not have done that two months ago. I want to keep going.

I'm afraid of going back to all this body stuff, to doctors. It's so triggering. I truly dread the state I'll end up in. I don't want to be dissociated. I don't want to be shut down. I don't want to be terrified of the medical record, of them taking notes, of the exam, of the crinkly paper. I don't want to have to explain, try to explain, my scars. I don't want them to know the history. I don't want to feel all those feelings. But they are my feelings and I own them. I will have to work through it. I will have to address all these scared worried "don't want to" feelings. I cannot avoid these physical problems anymore. I have to continue. For All of Me. 

I will have to remember also the good. My primary called me this week. Called me! And talked to me for 15 minutes. For free. And used Doctor AI to read about the labs and specialist reports so far. And told me we are going to have to triage. And there are side effects and some medications will cause problems I already have to worsen, and that we'll have to treat those with other medications or just tolerate the problems.... but we can't not treat these problems anymore. And while I have resisted for so long, I think it's right. And I Feel really grateful that she called me and went over the results, that she's going to take charge of All of Me and all the systems of me, and direct my care.

I am thinking a lot about "care" lately and it's something I want to write more about later. I wasn't able to receive care as a kid. I didn't feel care. I was worried about at times, I was a problem at times, I was given birthday gifts, taken to doctors. But somehow there wasn't care. They just didn't have it to give, poor things. Experiencing care from others used to be aversive to me, I pushed it away. Lately I've been receiving it. It's new. I'm interested in it, I'm curious about it. What's it like to be cared for? What does it feel like to be cared about? How do I experience it? What does it do inside? I feel that "care" is going to open more spaces, more paths for me.

 

[HannahOne]

Important dreams. I can't believe how All of Me is talking to me! every night. It's wild. Give it to me straight, guys. And we do. I dreamed I woke ups nd the neighbor had moved the fence to take away 1/3 of my yard. I was LIVID!!! Livid. In the dream I was yelling a long speech about the injustice of this and going to take back my yard. There was no doubt I would win.

Then I dreamed the neighbor was IN my house. They had moved in to one of the rooms in the night. Again, OUTRAGE! In the dream I literally KICKED him and his family out of the house, screaming at them to GET THE EFF OUT!!!!!" and they did, gathering their stuff and stumbling down the stairs and out the door. I woke up with so much energy in my arms. Feeling safe and secure.

These dreams are about boundaries. About taking back stolen ground. About clearing out unwanted inhabitants. And about rage. Rage is so scary. I don't want to be like the abusers. And, rage is fight energy. It's survival. In the past, rage did not help me survive, it was extremely dangerous. So I went to freeze generally. Sometimes fawn. And, rage was also there. It was in potential. And it may be needed now. For energy.

My fatigue is multifactorial and much of it physical, apparently. It's whatever fibrosis is in the lungs, it's the medication, it's the genetic condition of floppy mitochondria. However, I have so much more energy now than I did 5 months ago. Like, dramatically more. Five months ago I couldn't get out of bed most days, I would get up and get the kids out the door, back to bed, get up 6 hours later, get the kids meals and taxi, talk to them and help them, back to bed.... Now I am up and doing probably 8 hours out of the day. And what energy has propelled that? Some flight, flight from feelings. I think also some fight, fight for my life. When I got the diagnosis last November, was it October? It's a blur. Scanned in November, diagnosis December? When was the lumpectomy. I don't even know. Anyway it took me some time to even get it. Grasp it. And then once the surgery was done and I'd healed enough, I feel like it was January that I was rocket propelled to get to PT and get busy living. I will have to look back, that's one benefit of a journal, you can figure out the timelines. I am going to think more about the fight energy. How I can use it. How I can be less afraid of it. Ir is a part of me. An important part. Hello, Fight. Top of the morning to you! 

 

[NarcKiddo]

Phew. I'm not surprised you feel weary. Objectively you have a heck of a lot going on, let alone all the multifarious issues of separate parts.  You're doing well.

[HannahOne]

Yes NK, I got issues! Thank you for reading! 

[HannahOne]

This came up on CPTSD explained and I thought it was really valuable.

"CPTSD and PTSD diverge most significantly in what researchers call the self organizing symptoms and this category is almost entirely absent from standard PTSD.
Self organizing symptoms include three specific areas that CPTSD produces and PTSD typically does not. First, disturbances in self perception. The chronic shame, the feeling of being permanently damaged, the belief that you are fundamentally different from other people in a way that cannot be fixed. Second, disturbances in relational patterns. The difficulty trusting, the push pull of intimacy, the tendency to repeat dynamics from the original trauma in new relationships. Third, disturbances in systems of meaning. The loss of faith, the inability to feel hope, the sense that the future is foreclosed or unreal. Judith Herman identified these clusters decades ago"

[HannahOne]

I JUST GOT AN EMAIL THAT I GOT INTO CANCER CAMP.

I AM SO HAPPY.

I know it's not everyone's thing, and that's fine. In my case I can't share my situation with anyone bc I live in a very small town, kids are in school and need not to have my health a topic of convo. I will meet people at camp and learn more about how people navigate. And I will have fun. I signed up to the waiting list a few months ago and forgot about it as it has filled within two hours of opening. I thought it was a no. But somehow a spot opened and I just got notified by email. I am thrilled. And the timing is perfect as it's the days my older kid is going to be away. So I'm free to go. And all my testing should be done by the time I go.

I feel so lucky. I will have a community specifically for BC. I will get more information and understanding of the situation. I will get to go to sleep away camp!    

[TheBigBlue]

So happy for you!!! 

[dollyvee]

Thank you for sharing the work you have been doing with your feelings HO. It's helpful to read that. I wanted to comment more on what you wrote above, but I have been busy with work this week.

Like you said, not feeling things has probably saved your bacon in the past. For me, I think I had to remove my "self" at such a young age that it feels natural to not feel anything, or inherently scary if I do. I have been trying to break down that fear when people come close for a couple years now. Looking at it as an outsider, I think you are perhaps going through this process of (re?)attunement in your interactions with the horses and animals. I also share your wonder at how you can get this far and still have layers to go, but I also think that that's why we're here, to share these things and what has/has not worked for us. I think it was in Unfawning that Ingrid Clayton talks about getting a PhD in trauma psychology, but still repeating the same traumatic patterns that she grew up with.

For me, this was one of the reasons why NARM was so helpful is because it stopped my intellectualization and got me to self reflect on what was actually going on. I had already extrapolated in EMDR therapy for seven years or more. For those people with a connection survival strategy, they aren't in their bodies, but in their minds in various ways --though intellectualization, spiritual bypassing etc. I'm not faulting anyone, just that this is a survival adaptation. I also think for me, it's been a challenge because I didn't have the language to understand what anything was on an emotional level. I just knew enmeshment/connection to family felt "safe," and everything else did not. I also don't think it helped me to "know" that on an intellectual level because t told me for seven years, but it was about finding out how that is working on a "body" level (and all the things connected to that --generational trauma, what is body anxiety/brain fog from health issues and what is trauma etc).

I guess now at the core it's been finding the safe centre that is Mine that is not someone telling me the things I want are wrong, or somehow bad, which seems to be a theme, even with therapists. To be believed and understand how I had to navigate as a preverbal child an unsafe world and to just let my body be and do that while also trying to understand and support it. So, I get trying to navigate those boundaries. It's like when I was that age, I needed people in every way, to help keep me safe, but to also help define the world for me because it wasn't safe to be myself, and that's how I existed for a long time in relationships. Or rather, being on my own outside of relationships. But now, I don't want/need that any more, but how do I now navigate relationships with that in mind instead of when it wasn't safe to be around people or to receive care?

Congrats on Cancer Camp    What a great support system for what you're going through now.

Reading along and filling in some of my own gaps as I go.