the next step

[Blueberry]

San, contrary to what I wrote to you elsewhere on this topic, I think the length of time you've been with a therapist is important. If I think back to therapists who were showing me pale red flags right at the beginning and couldn't take on board what I explained, I ended up ditching them AND remembering after the fact that I had had that feeling or even just inner-questioning in the first few sessions about whether this T was the correct one for me. Sooner or later I fired them and have never regretted it, never looked back thinking: I wish I'd been clear or brave or strong enough to persevere with that T. No, I always realised later that I then, possibly after months, found the T who was right for me, and the fired one wouldn't have been the correct one to fill that gap of searching or waiting list time. (Not to mention that health insurance won't pay psychotherapy indefinitely even here, so it was better for me to bridge searching/waiting times with self-work.)

I hear you on being so tired of having to figure yourself out by yourself! Not where I am atm, I'm fortunate in that way, but I have been there.

Sending rest  and raging  to be used as you need.

  

[Blueberry]

I think the length of time you've been with a therapist is important

Meaning if I've already been with the therapist and working successfully, feeling heard, being comfortable with them for a good amount of time, then it makes more sense for me to try and work thru something problematic that turns up between the two of us, it could be that 'healing opportunity', but if I haven't been with them long and something comes up again and again, that's moving into iffy territory for me. With my current OT there was something in the second session that bothered me, I spoke up about it in the third session. He understood what my concerns were, I understood what he'd been intending, problem cleared up, never come up again or anything like it, safe to continue with him.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, your wishes for my rest and raging were right on target.  thank you for both of them! your words of wisdom also struck me in a good way.  this T has already expressed a reluctance to take me on, already wondered if she was the right fit for me, so the flags were flying all over the place from the get-go, but i wanted to see if we could make it work.  i was already so tired of trying to find someone that i jumped at a 'possibility' to see if it might pan out.  i know i could talk to her about it again, but i hate the idea of having to pay for explanations and possibilities.  we'll see.  it keeps roiling around my brain, and i don't doubt i'll figure it out.  thanks again for being on my side.  so valued!

i've been diving deeper into emotions, dredging up what i can, sitting with them.  i wrote them out in my other journal.  it's a new area for me, so altho i seem to be doing a lot of repetition, i think it's my mind that's trying to make sense of everrything.  those emotions/feelings/beliefs i wrote out, including shame, i'm wrong, and the like are things i don't really remember consciously thinking about myself.  that doesn't mean they haven't been sitting there my entire life, dormant, so to speak, piled onto me by lack of whatever from my folks.  my spirit wouldn't let them stick in my consciousness, i don't think.  but, they and their possibilities are beginning to show themselves, and i'm just writing them down as they come. 

from what i remember, i've never consciously thought i wasn't good, was worthless, was ashamed of myself, but now i'm seeing that it's a real possibility that those kinds of feelings have been there since the beginning, covered up by my spirit and spunk and confusion about life and living.  just lots of 'stuff'.

[Marcine]

Hi San,
"now i'm seeing that it's a real possibility that those kinds of feelings have been there since the beginning, covered up by my spirit and spunk and confusion about life and living."

I very much relate with this— spirit and spunk and confusion, oh yes! Then, lifting the rock to peer underneath and there's a whole other world... kinda squirmy, unexpected, unknown, strangely beautiful and with a certain order too. I love your phrase: "they and their possibilities are beginning to show themselves"!

Blueberry, your wish for San's "rest and raging to be used as needed" is awesome!

[sanmagic7]

marcine, thank you for your support.  i admit, 'strangely beautiful' didn't come to mind, but maybe looking at it all thru a different lens could add some beauty to it.  i have become more human since beginning to find my emotions, so i would put that under the category of 'strangely beautiful'.  thanks for the inspiration!

i went thru with it and fired my T, and i honestly have no regrets, as someone here mentioned when she was in the same position.  the other night i was up for several hours, raging, but also beginning to put together a sort of treatment plan for myself, targets that i could set up for myself and do either eye movements or Flash technique on.

some of the ones that came to mind quite quickly were the grief i feel for my estranged D1, several different losses, such as were related to relationship break-ups (not only did i lose the relationship, but also the hopes and dreams that went with it, and the houses that my H's and i bought, my gardens, etc.)  lots of loss, and i doubt i grieved any of them. so, that's for starters.  i think i'm going to set an hour aside on mondays, which had been my regular session day, and just do some therapy on me, by me.

story of my life - no help, gotta do it on my own.  we'll see where it goes.  i'm so very grateful i have these skills and can help myself with them.  the missing part of doing it on my own is i have no outside encouragement, guidance, management, different perspective, advice . . . the list goes on and on.  so, i can only do what i can do from my own point of view, and hope it helps.  i'm on a waiting list for another T but that's not till june.  we'll see what happens.

[Marcine]

Hi San,
I hear you and that you are making decisions on your behalf, raging, grieving, setting in motion a plan to address your needs... and that it's a mixed bag of having the skills to do all of this, and at the same time feeling a lack of support and encouragement. Yet knowing that it won't stop you.

I also am accustomed to "gotta do it on my own." This independence has been a double-edged sword in my life— it has given me determination which has been instrumental in my healing journey and it has put distance between me and others.

I think my independent spirit is an integral part of who I am. And it may have been revved up particularly during relational trauma early on as a way to survive. Be that as it may, I try to be in touch with my desire for connection and honor my independent nature. It's quite a juggling act.

It sounds like you are solidly on your path.