The tipping point…

[sanmagic7]

hey, chart, i watched some of what he had to say, but i could feel it getting too close to something primal, so i quit.  too much emotional stuff going on this weekend, can't take any more.  however, it makes sense to me that, and i think a lot of us here have an awareness of this already, that what we went thru as infants/children has shaped how we not only see the world today, but also how we see ourselves in that world.  and our emotions are part of that 'seeing', aren't they?  the type of emotions, the intensity, the physical way we express them - i think it's all in there, has all been shaped by what went on w/ us and the others in our lives from birth onward.  possibly before birth as well.

at any rate, good stuff.  thanks for sharing.  love and hugs

[Chart]

Thanks SO and San!!!


Well, if dysregulation indicates "not broken" I'm as whole as an apple tonight. Just sitting here with my pain. Breathing, trying to not push it away or dissociate. It's really hard... but you know that already. I'm trying to read and visit around the Forum. That's hard too. Finding that I want to reply, in fact have things I'd like to contribute... but I feel fake and false and empty and, and all that crap... Even the duck video didn't help me. You know your in the dung when even the duck video fails to bring any light into the gloom...
 

[TheBigBlue]

Chart, I hear you. Sitting with pain without dissociating or pushing it away is brutally hard work, even when it doesn't feel like work at all. Feeling empty, fake, or unable to respond doesn't mean you are those things though. It often just means you are right in the middle of it.

Thank you for the Schore video. For me too, understanding what is happening in the nervous system can sometimes create just enough steadiness to stay present.

Even if the duck video failed tonight 🦆💛, you're still here, and we are staying with you; and that counts more than it feels like right now.

[Chart]

Thankyou TheBigBlue!

[dollyvee]

Hey Chart,

I hope Schore's work is able to help you find some space in what you're going through.

Sending you support,
dolly

[SenseOrgan]

I'm sorry Chart. I hate to see you suffer. Actually feeling is a big part of healing, in my experience. But "dosing" that, if at all possible, is important too. Ideally, this shouldn't be a tooth gritting thing, I don't think. More like a gradual opening up, where compassion is leading. You're not alone with this. I hope a sense of connection reaches that desperate place. It takes a village to reparent an age regressed adult. Stay in touch. Much love.

[dollyvee]

Chart, I have started reading "Scapegoating in Families: Intergenerational Patterns of Physical and Emotional Abuse," and came across this:

"In some families, children are brought into the world to "bind" the family unit, "to keep the family together." Many couples are in conflict before the child is born, and they hope that children will help the marriage. When the conflicts do not disappear, they stay together for the "sake" of the children. The resentment they have towards each other may be transferred to the children.

Most of the time, if the child has not been scapegoated, he or she is likely to feel a strong need to get away from the family conflict and pathology...The scapegoated child, especially if the scapegoating is a lifelong pattern, will probably feel responsible for all thee family pain and want to stay physically and emotionally in order to make amends."

I'm guessing that you are the former perhaps, but thought it was interesting and worthwhile perhaps if it was the latter. For me, this scapegoating stuff is another very difficult layer of entanglement as well as an obstacle to healing.

[NarcKiddo]

That Schore video was really interesting, Chart. And very relevant to my own circumstances, as far as I can tell.

The quote Dolly shared in her latest post feels very relevant, too. Roles in my family were somewhat fluid - the only certain thing was that whoever the scapegoat may have been at any given time, it was not my mother! When my parents married my mother was already very clear she wanted children. I am not sure about my father but I think he intellectually liked the idea of having a son and heir. Which he never got. However, my mother regularly expressed dissatisfaction with the marriage, but stayed in it for the sake of the children, she said. It was a heavy load.

Chart, I am sorry you were dealing with dysregulation yesterday. Well done for feeling your way through it and I hope things are more comfortable today.

 

[sanmagic7]

dear chart, i'm so sorry you're having a tough time right now, and i sincerely hope you're doing better now.  it hit me in the head, reading about you sitting in all that pain, how you told me you were fascinated by the fact that i didn't feel that kind of pain, at least not normally.  i'm guessing i feel, instead, some sense of distress w/in me, like watching that video caused me, and cuz i don't know what the distress is about, i simply turn away and turn it off. 

i don't know if the distress i feel is connected to pain or not, but from the one time not too long ago when i was overwhelmed by the pain resulting from the incident when i was a little girl, again, i can't imagine living for any length of time just working at mustering thru it.  i give you so much credit for being with it, allowing it, letting it run its course.  your determination and just plain gutsiness is showing!  i admire you for being able to do this.  you are an inspiration.  love and gentle hugs

[Chart]

Thank you everyone, thank you so very much. I'm back at work today. It's hard, but peanuts compared to Cptsd.

The Alan Schore video helped me "see" the baby I was. Incidentally, I'm wondering at the possible under-estimation of preverbal trauma... It's not even repression... the memory systems just don't exist. So, seeing the extent of toxic behavior, it's conceivable that that toxic behavior was in function from the get-go, that is to say from birth. Toxic parents aren't going to "wait" until the infant is more fully developed to start their toxic shenanigans... Anyway, maybe not exactly my place to "suggest"... Everyone's experience is unique. The idea's a can of worms actually... Sorry, I'm tired.

In-utero to age three/four... attachment... unconditional love.

There's no substitute.

I didn't have safety.
My boundaries weren't anyone's particular priority...
Love? My older sister was happy to have me as a friend. More and more I'm coming back to that fact. That's not nothing. My sis... she sent me a video today, of her, digging her car out of the snow... I joked with her... Please be careful with the ICE... Come to think of it, it's not a joke...