the next step

[sanmagic7]

full grieving mode right now.  lots of tears, lots of emptying out, lots of forlorn, pain, hurt, and just plain sadness.  some anger, too.  i even found some vengeful thinking for a minute, but shushed that away.  i don't want to be that person.

[NarcKiddo]

When you have processed the main part of the grieving it might be worth revisiting the vengeful thinking a little. Not to be that person but to help get it out. You're not that person - shushing it away proves it - but those thoughts may still have some validity. It's a hard thing to process and you were wise to get the thoughts out of the way while you do the main grief work. And maybe you will find you have successfully got rid of them anyway, just by finding them for that minute and reporting them here. Please ignore this if not helpful.

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, NK.  always helpful

i'm going to the healing porch for a few days.  this grief is too much right now.

[HannahOne]

Grieving is so important, to take the time for it to be what it is. And vengeful thinking has its place, the fight response. You won't enact it, but you can feel it, you can make it safe to feel all the feelings now and pour them out. Holding you in healing light, Sanmagic7. 

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, that healing light made a huge impact on me.  thank you so much for that, for being by my side.

i finally did some Flash, and also eye movements on grieving my D1 yesterday.  i could barely stand the pain, the distress of it all.  i was able to picture holding the bunch of balloons while i was holding the main string attached to them all, and i let it go, watched her lift into the sky getting smaller and smaller.  i thought about having hope that she'd come back some day, differently than she'd been in the past, but i couldn't or didn't want to feel that hope - it was too painful, so i let go of another balloon w/ the word 'hope' on it, watched it fly away with her.  in my mind i thought that they might meet up some day, but i don't have to carry it anymore.

i ended up feeling calmer, lighter, and today i'm not so distressed.  we'll see how this holds.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you're feeling calmer, lighter and less distressed. Maybe some of that distress managed to attach to a balloon of its own.

[SenseOrgan]

Gosh San, that's heavy stuff you're processing. Your D1... I can't even imagine. It's so brave you're doing this.

I hope it's not out of place for met to second what NK said about vengeful thinking. If those feelings are there, than they are. It has brought me a lot to allow myself to feel hate. Getting rid of it, for one. It too can pass through, like other feelings.

Hugs from Holland.
By the way, there's one purple tulip flowering in my garden. If I could, I'd give it to you. 

 

[HannahOne]

I'm still in the earlier stages of my parenting journey, and I'm only learning to let go slowly. I can imagine the strength and courage it takes to let go of an adult child, SanMagic7, and to let go of hope too, as hope can become heavy. I stand in awe of that courage and strength.

[sanmagic7]

NK, thank you so for that image.  maybe some of the distress did, indeed, hitch a ride on one of those balloons! by the by, these are environmentally friendly balloons - i just heard that it was one type of balloon that hit a power line in georgia which started those fires they're dealing with. 

Thank you so very much, SO, for not only your support but that gorgeous purple tulip!  i can picture it in my mind's eye, and it brings a smile to my face every time.  even told my D about it, and she went 'awwww'.  that is really sweet of you. and, no, not out of place at all. i welcome that kind of input.   

dear hannah1, thank you so for your kind words.  yes, hope can become heavy, and in my case, was also distressing. to let go of all that was best for me. she was so destructive to not only me but the rest of our family members, and hoping she'd return all bright and shiny and new became completely unrealistic.   

speaking to the vengeful thinking - it has been a long-standing, ongoing tradition in our family that when D1 was part of us, her words and behaviors would never have been tolerated by someone healthy.  she had so many physical and emotional problems, the rest of us were of the mind that how can we possibly be angry at someone who's sick?  i stored up anger against her for years and years, and it finally came out in nightmares, which i eventually was able to recognize it for the anger at her i never dared express.  once i allowed myself to be angry at what she said and did to me, to our family, the nightmares went away.

so, wanting to wreak some kind of vengeance on her scared me.  how could a mom want to do something like that to her own daughter?  what did that say about me?  i'm not a vengeful person by nature, but a few years ago i was able to feel hate toward my ex, also something i was not familiar with.  that went on for over a year, then it just faded away.

and i just let go of a vengeful rant, but it's in white so you don't have to read it.  to me, it's very ugly.

but wanting to do something vengeful, like pop her balloon so she'd come crashing to the ground, get hurt in the process, and i could see myself standing over her - how do you like it? how do you like being hurt by me?  hahaha!  i want you to hurt, to feel what it's been like all these years of being punished by you for what, i can only guess.  i'm glad you're hurt now, in pain, but it'll never equal what you put me thru, ever!


and, there it is.  it's out.  here, where it's safe, and i can process it and let it go.  it feels icky. this will take a while.  thank you all for your encouragement to do this.  i feel a little sick in my heart and stomach. fly away with the rest of the balloons. just did a little BLS - that helped calm me.

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, I can only say that anger is an important emotion, when boundaries are crossed. Sounds like your anger is appropriate, and you're managing is responsibly, and letting it go, too.

[NarcKiddo]

Well done for being brave enough to air that vengeance and bring it into the light. I read it. I don't judge you badly for it. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much for the support, hannah1.  i value it. 

NK, thank you for the validation, and for labeling what i wrote as anger.  i didn't realize it.  it just felt vengeful to me, so i'm glad i have another emotion to add to it.  i much appreciate it.

hearing that what i wrote is anger was eye-opening to me.  i can remember saying to people, husbands, friends, whoever, that i don't get angry.  and i could probably count on one hand the number of times it did.  it just wasn't an emotion i had access to.  and, it seems, even now i can't always recognize it as such.

it's been a confusing life.

[sanmagic7]

had a rough couple of days, emotion-wise.  along w/ the emotions was the sugar i stuffed down my gullet.  didn't sit well, so am now on a sugar fast.  i have a really hard time learning that lesson.

feeling better today.  got a little tomato plant from the store, am going to re-pot it today.  i'm excited.  it's as close to a garden as i'm going to get, but i'll take it! 

my project for this week will be grieving my first marriage.  at the time we were both drinking, separated, got back together in another state, i got pregnant (surprise! - it's when i first learned about stress flu) wanted an abortion (by this time my H was also into cocaine, which i didn't know about until after i'd moved across several states), and he talked me into keeping the baby (tears, counseling, we'll make it work, the whole kit and kaboodle), and i wanted to believe him, wanted to have my baby, and then when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, he told me he didn't want to be married anymore.

i was devastated, even burst into tears (i think it was cuz of the hormones, cuz otherwise i didn't cry or have any of my emotions yet), and i had to find a place to live now.  a girlfriend back in calif. had room, so i moved myself there, went on welfare cuz he wasn't giving me any money, and hit a low point in my life, which my unborn baby saved, and ended up moving again w/ a 7-week old baby across the country to live w/ my mom.  ask for help. 

anyway, very abusive all over the place, but i've never grieved any of it.  it's heartbreaking to me to write about it, but it's my first step to grieving, facing it for all it's worth, and finally to let it go.  don't know how long this will take, but i'm in for the duration.  not looking forward to it.