Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[HannahOne]

If my M or B called me.... that would be a trigger. It is totally understandable that those calls/texts derailed what you wanted for yourself. And you can set boundaries now that work for you, whether that be silencing the phone, blocking those numbers and unblocking them once every 24 hours to check in on your terms (or once a year, LOL, or never)....

[zen_racer]

Yep. A few years ago that was my situation too. I live in a safe house with a safe husband and I had no idea at all. Until you've felt it it's impossible to imagine so don't beat yourself up about that. It's also kind of hard to work towards something you have no idea about, but working on how you feel and calming your emotional reactions and supporting yourself through triggers and interacting with safe people will get you there.

Thank you, especially for this part.  I wasn't necessarily feeling bad about not knowing, but it is certainly helpful that I'm not alone or spectacularly deficient in that.  I am mostly in a safe house, I live alone in a house too big that feels empty, but in the middle of 8 acres of woods.  Aside from wildlife, it's pretty serene usually.  And honestly, the only safe person I have in my life is my ex-wife. We've been texting a fair bit since last night.

I appreciate that you're pointing out to speak up if I want space, and I'll keep that in mind, but so far the input I've gotten here has been incredibly helpful.  Even the few times (not specifically you) when I think my situation has been a little different, it still gives me perspective and shows me that everyone here does care.  I think that's something I've needed more than I knew.

[dollyvee]

I wish I could say that my attempt at starting the day off on the right foot had any kind of positive or lasting effect, or that my moment of clarity helped me find some kind of truths that made the day easier.  It did not.

This happens ZR. Sometimes you go forward and sometimes back, but at least now there's a realization that you can move forward and it doesn't always have to be the same.

Physical safety is also something that I have had to struggle with for a long time as is the feeling of being "encroached" on and overpowered. To me, this has to do with having to remove my sense of self, the self that had boundaries, from a young age. So, I wasn't allowed to say no etc or to protect myself. This feeling has also carried into adulthood. I get the feeling of taking back one's power that NK mentioned by saying no to her mother. However, for me, coming from a family of four narcissists, there were different tactics used. My m would over power me through aggression/violence. So, as an adult I very clearly had to say, the last time we spoke, that if she hit me, I was going to call the cops. However, the subtle guilt of my gm was a lot harder to navigate, and like you said, if I asserted my boundaries it would be twisted into why are you getting upset with me, and she would be the victim? When you are trained to take care of her because of all the awful things that have "happened" to her, it is difficult to say no and not feel like you're a horrible person. So, I get just not wanting to say anything.

Hope you find some space to process this,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

and shows me that everyone here does care.  I think that's something I've needed more than I knew.

this is something that i'm in transition about, even tho i've been w/ this forum for over 10 yrs.  knowing i needed the caring from other people, then accepting it have been 2 different things for me.  these realizations have been huge, can make an incredible difference in our lives.  i'm glad you're having some of your own.  encouraging you to keep going - the progress you're making is wonderful.  love and hugs