Living As All of Me

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Hannah, I hope the meet and greet with the new therapist goes smoothly. 

   

[zen_racer]

I also hope the meeting with the new therapist goes well.  I know what the apprehension is like.  I get it before almost every race, and I very often don't even feel like going.  I'm not sure I'll go the next one.

BUT, my races are also a hobby that could hurt me.  Hopefully, the meeting with your therapist is something that goes well and can help. 

I also think I'm really weird, and people do often have trouble understanding me.  Mostly when talking about work stuff or math or physics though.

 

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, Marcine, TheBigBlue, ZenRacer, thank you all for reading and commenting. It's kind of like a litany of names I recite now. Recently some of your names appeared in my dreams. I don't know what all of you look like but I had "NarcKiddo" literally the word, walk through the door at one point in the dream and I was like Hey!! NarcKiddo!! Welcome to the HannahOne DreamWorld! So, developing object permanency, internalizing introjects...

I liked the therapist!

Thought it might be helpful for others to hear one person's experience of choosing someone. What I liked:

She asked me at each step what I prefer: to start, or her to question. To answer or not answer each question.

She asked me at several points how I was feeling now. Bringing things back to the moment and the body.

She asked if I had questions, and I asked how SHE was feeling. LOL. And she went with it and answered both emotion and somatic. So not afraid to show up in the room.

She picked up most of what I put down.

She was thinking clinically, I could see the internal "hm" and "ruh roh," taking notes. Not chatting, a clear line of thought without hemming me in.

She was thinking in levels and parts, not just eliciting storytelling from one part.

She reflected a few times accurately. I would like more reflection in the future, but the focus today was on intake.

She respected my limits about information sharing, confidentiality, and diagnosis re: insurance.

She kept track of time.

She offered me several opportunities to direct, redirect.

She asked if I would like to know something specific about her re: her background that she was considering sharing, and I declined, and she accepted that.

And she has the parts language and the somatics.

She said she sees the adult me, and also a child part. Ok. Baby steps. At least she's willing and able to begin to see.

She does peer supervision. so she's wanting to learn, wanting to make good clinical decisions, and I hope that will help her with any countertransference. I expressed concern about her potentially being scared, and she said she generally isn't scared of clients. Ok. I took from that she thinks she can manage, so that's good.

So the boundaries and the frame so far feel good. Not so with the several others I've interacted with so far who were late, cancelled, overshared, or named names inappropriately. Or chatted, not seeming to think clinically. Or were only working on one level of storytelling. Everyone else I saw I got a lot of "wow," holding their head, or brief pauses while they tried to process, and I hadn't even told them any events or dynamics, just the bare facts they asked about a parent or career. This one none of that. I'm ok with a little flinch here and there but I need generally non-plussed and not surprised. Keep your wow to yourself and process it on your own time, mmm?

So, we will see. See her again next week. LOL. I still have two more to see in ten days or so but I think this may be the one I stick with. For sure there will be problems. I just wanted to find someone with the right approach, and wow (teehee) is that difficult. I need someone who can see All of Me.  There's plenty to work on from there. But if you can't see All of Me, we're in a boat in a waterfall with one paddle. And the boat has a hole in it. And there's a lion at the bottom of the waterfall. And I'm not even in the boat. LOL.

End of year stuff with graduations, music recitals, IEP meetings, packing kid for camp. And I"M GOING TO CAMP! I leave Wednesday so will be offline till Monday. V Excited. I never went to camp as a kid and this is a very cushy one. Ropes course and lake and dance classes and group meetings and support groups and fun fun fun. I'm almost packed. Really excited to go away from the (beloved) family and be Just HannahOne, not anyone's mom/wife. Cooking up a storm and cleaning so everything easy for all while I'm gone. Kid 1 will be away at the same time on a school trip which makes it all so much easier. And Frank is coming along. He still resists his feedings but he's definitely trying to eat more. Hopping around more. I reached out to the rescue, haven't heard back yet. Hopefully the medicine will keep knocking back the EC. Time for his night dose, actually. Merry Monday to all, and to All of Us a good night.

[TheBigBlue]

The meeting with the T sound very encouraging. 
Wishing you a great time at camp!     

[zen_racer]

That sounds like an amazing first session, HannahOne. I should really take notes.  I don't think my first session went that well.  The camp sounds really nice as well.  I'm glad Frank is doing better!

[Ran]

Hey,

I wanted to send some  your way if you want or need them. I haven't fully read through your journal yet, but glad that things with new therapist are going well.

It all is a difficult journey, especially with health issues, but small steps will help. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hannah1, so very, very glad your new therapist seems like a good fit for you.  that's wonderful.  and i'm glad you were able to see how some of the others would not be.  just as important, to my mind.  so, off you go!  i hope the experience continues to be helpful and healing, even if/when you run into some of the rough stuff.

that camp sounds great!  i've done ropes courses, and they're some of my favorite things.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

A bit discouraged as I had to call out of work at the rehab. My kid was up ALLLL night vomiting. poor thing. Hiding in my room as they are now asleep. Feeling EFs of fear and shame about having called out, worried about what they're thinking of me. Fear that I'm still in bed late in the morning. Worry about the dogs. Not wanting to deal with sick child when they wake up. I just cleaned up everything, laundry, lysol to try to prevent spread. Adulting is hard sometimes. I don't feel the energy to be supportive as I literally got one hour of sleep. AND, I am the parent, I will be present, proactive, and try to bring some playfulness to the moment for my teen. Until they wake, I will think about positive things. The new therapist already just the IDEA of a supportive therapist brings comfort. I am desperate for a comfort object! For a positive introject. For a stable object. For care, concern, containment. Still so hungry for a healthy relationship where I Can be All of Me.

When my plans are upended sometimes it causes teariness. And, all is well. Life is a flow. Plans, schmans. What I want for myself for today is... a shower, lentil soup, a walk outside. And I'll call a friend, to prevent non-speaking isolation since I didn't get to go to work. I'll deal with the fear and shame about work by reminding myself it's an EF and I can't know what others think. I don't think they really care, they have enough people. If I can't go every week they'll get someone else, but missing one every 8 weeks is ok. I asked when I signed up and they said it was fine. That's a good thing about this role for me. It has the flexibility I still need.

We have a grocery picker who gets our groceries and we just go pick them up each week, it's a service at the store we pay a little extra, because neither of us can carry heavy bags. They always get lettuce and greens for Frank, I had to write on the order, "YES, 3 POUNDS OF KALE and SIX heads of ROMAINE, it's for a rabbit!" So today I am going to bring Frank to meet the grocer.   A little boost to their day and mine, and Frank's. Making meaning in my community, making connections, being who I really am, a bit of a goofball who schleps a rabbit to the grocery store and makes him a local celebrity, thanking the person who gathers my groceries each week. It's such a huge help not only physically but also mentally I used to panic in the grocery, cry in the aisles, become overwhelmed and claustrophobic, navigating the people... panic attacks. I did it for 25 years and it was so taxing and I just never habituated. I don't know why. Started online ordering during COVID and never stopped. Sometimes in life it doesn't make sense to keep banging my head against the same wall. Just take the easy way, Wu Wei, water goes around the mountain. So many times I take the hard way, I push, I push myself, I push the mountain, I push the water, and I only end up soaked and exhausted. Learning as I get older to go with the flow more. And look for moments of connection even if they seem goofball, even if I judge myself or feel shame or worried about the connection. It's my life, I have to live it my way!

Current obsession: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBmSS8fDmek I love what Miley says and I love her rendition of the song. All of Me loves the mashup, the low voice, the higher voice, the parts of me. My inner teen rocks to it. I first listened to this song on a walkman cassette tape, watching a 4th of July fireworks show. It was one of those moments of flow, the fireworks seemed to explode to the music. It happened one other my time with blowing leaves seeming to move to music. I feel my younger inner kids have done a lot of play therapy now and now the teens are really present. I kind of love my inner teens. Tough baddies. So strong. So stoic. So cynical. So clear-eyed. A little Machiavellian, but they had to be. This song lets all of them speak. And it's true, I've never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we did it our way. All these words I don't just say... and nothing else matters.  TW for hard rock and grunge I suppose.

Music continues to be a source of joy, empowerment and connection. I didn't listen to music for years and years... I think not to touch the feelings. Now music is resonating so strongly, I feel most alive when I'm hearing music, singing, and dancing. I've taken dance class now and I want to find a choir. I'm not an amazing singer but I can carry a tune and harmonize and I think singing with others could be very healing, and another way I could contribute something small to the world in a way that I can manage. I am hopeful. It's extremely busy the next few weeks with cancer camp, end of year stuff, some other travels to see my far flung friends I'm trying to reconnect to. So some may have to wait till fall. But this fall I plan to be an arts extravaganza of painting class, a choir, dance classes. And for work the rehab, ESL tutoring, and something else I don't know yet. I'm creating a life worth living. Surgery may interrupt and degrade some of this for a while which is discouraging... but I'm going to build it anyway so I have something to come back to. I will flow to where the water wants to take me, toward more life. Life is hard, and life is good. I still want to say, life is good. I'm grateful to All of Me that got me here. Especially the teenage me. Nice work, kiddo. Sorry it sucked so bad. Trust I seek, and I find in you. Every day for us something new. Open mind for a different view. Nothing else matters....

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad the therapist meeting was so promising. 

I hope your sick kid is better soon and that Frank continues to improve. I love that you are taking him to meet the grocer.

Honoured to have appeared in your dream - I hope I behaved myself.

[HannahOne]

  Yes, very well behaved It was pretty wild, in the dream I was like, Hey, NarcKiddo!? What's haaaaaappenin? I was surprised and happy to see you in the inner world of dreams.