Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

I don't know what I'm doing here.

I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by doing a journal.  It's only been a couple weeks since I was introduced to the possibility that what I was having an issue with was cptsd.  I didn't even know what that meant then.

That was when I was feeling a bit more manic than I typically ever get to.  But it happens.  The person that brought up cptsd talked with me about it, and the sincerity and kindness in how they talked with me and the message they had caused me to freeze in a state of almost crying.

Then I found this forum, which seems pretty great.  I've been reading and reading here, and everything I'm seeing about the kinds of trauma I've had to endure, and the symptoms, and co-morbidities explains so much about my life.  And raises new questions.

I have a tendency to over do things, and I think I've done that here.  As I've read all the informative posts in all the different categories, it's caused me to have emotional flashbacks.  It's caused me to remember things that I had blocked out.  It's caused me to realize that despite remembering a lot of "isolated instances", my brain somehow blocked attaching any deeper meaning or understanding of what those memories meant.  For all my strength in pattern recognition, I mentally blocked my ability to look at my memories of growing up and recognize the pattern of actual abuse.  Now that I can see it, I can't unsee it.  On the one hand, now I at least have a name for what I'm dealing with.  On the other, it has been an avalanche of finding out I'm significantly worse than I would've imagined.  It's hard to accept.  It's rough finding out that it wasn't just typical problems, that it was multi-layered abuse, and that it's why I have always had trouble with any type of relationship.

I've had to stop reading about this for now.  It's overwhelming, and forcing me to recognize that I can't trust my own perception of events that I have clear memories of.  I can't wait to have my first therapy visit next week, but I'm also scared of how deep this rabbit hole goes.  I'm worried that therapy won't help because I won't be able to trust the therapist enough.  I can't bring up any ideas or concepts of what a safe space would look like to me.  That doesn't exist.

For the purpose of being able to track progress, I think it's worth adding that for a few months leading up to hearing about cptsd, I had switched from unconsciously avoiding people to actively, consciously deciding that I didn't want anyone in my life in any capacity anymore.

I don't know.  I'm dissociating enough that I can't keep coherent thoughts going about this anymore.

[Marcine]

Hi zen racer,
Congrats on starting a journal.
It's another realm of the forum to explore and a personal way to "track progress", as you said.

I was very unsure too about starting a journal, but I'm glad I did. Rereading past entries and the supportive comments gives me a sense of perspective with solid points of reference.

[dollyvee]

Hey ZR,

I'm sorry that these realizations are feeling overwhelming right now, but it sounds like it's a big step in starting to understand some of the things that maybe you couldn't get a handle on before.

I hope you find some space to deal with things as they come up for you.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

You've taken a big step. Well, lots, actually. You've joined the forum, you've participated, you've started a journal, you're starting therapy. It's all good but it's certainly not all easy. Be gentle with yourself, and remember you don't have to go all the way down the rabbit hole. Sometimes it's enough to get a flavour of what's going on and then work on it from the outside. You may well find yourself wanting to explore deeper at some point, but that's something to do strictly at your own pace. I firmly believe our brains do not permit us to start looking into rabbit holes until we are strong enough to deal with it. That does not mean to say we consciously feel strong enough!

[HannahOne]

Hi ZenRacer,
Welcome here. To the best club for the worst reason, LOL.

It's common for many of us to overload at first. When the picture starts to become clear and the patterns emerge, it can be overwhelming. It's so compelling to find others like us and to better understand and contextualize our experience. At the same time it's important to pace yourself. Take the time you need and take care of yourself. We'll be here.

[zen_racer]

Thank you to everyone for the responses.  I'm going to respond to them, but I'd like to get this part typed in and out of my mind.  Today was the next motorcycle race event.  I really didn't feel like going.  All of what I've been reading about and remembering was the elephant in the room, as far as my mind went today.  I decided that maybe, it would be good for me.  Maybe, it would get me out of my head.  It didn't work, and it was probably a mistake to go when I felt like how I did today.

I had a headache all day.  I tried taking tylenol, and it barely soothed it at all.  I can't take any type of nsaid for it because it would be neutralized by a different medicine I have to take.  While driving a couple hours to the track, I couldn't help but think about the memories and trauma, that I've been so broken for so long.  It makes me feel like I need to apologize even more for just existing.

During practice, I was too in my head, and I knew I wasn't focusing properly.  I was also testing a new couple parts on the bike, so the bike felt odd to me.  I felt like leaving after practice.  I can't tell why.  Because my mind was preoccupied and I felt horrible?  Because I wanted to run from having to be around anyone?  Because I felt like I need more time this evening to try to put myself together for work tomorrow?  I stayed and did qualifying.  I felt like running away again.  I did race 1, and felt maybe just a tiny bit less like running away.  I did race 2.  I was way off my usual pace today, and I came in 4th.  Someone did run me off the track, I suspect intentionally, but I just lost a little bit of time and didn't crash.  If I'm being honest, it's not a huge deal, but I found I just did not have it in me to process any of that and forgive.  It happened in race 2, and as soon as it was over, I packed up and left as quick as I could.

Just because of fairly recent health issues, I think it's worth noting that aside from starting the day a little dehydrated, I didn't have any issues with not absorbing the hydration I was taking in.  That's been resolved.

On the drive home, I felt empty.  In the past, I would typically call a friend or family member and chat while driving.  Today, I reflected a bit on how I really didn't feel like talking to anyone, and just sat in awkward silence.  I'm home, the car is unloaded, I still need to eat.  I feel drained and hollow.  The elephant is still there.

[zen_racer]

Hi zen racer,
Congrats on starting a journal.
It's another realm of the forum to explore and a personal way to "track progress", as you said.

I was very unsure too about starting a journal, but I'm glad I did. Rereading past entries and the supportive comments gives me a sense of perspective with solid points of reference.

Thank you Marcine.  I've had issues in the past with reading a paper journal I used to keep, and getting retraumatized by it because I didn't remember what I had obviously written.  I like how you pointed out rereading the supportive comments as well.

Hey ZR,

I'm sorry that these realizations are feeling overwhelming right now, but it sounds like it's a big step in starting to understand some of the things that maybe you couldn't get a handle on before.

I hope you find some space to deal with things as they come up for you.

Sending you support,
dolly

Thank you dollyvee.  It is a step in the right direction.  It is overwhelming.  I appreciate the kindness and support.  It does help me feel not quite so alone.

[zen_racer]

It's all good but it's certainly not all easy. Be gentle with yourself, and remember you don't have to go all the way down the rabbit hole.

Thank you NarcKiddo.  I guess you're right, those are a lot of steps.  Thank you for not letting me forget the positive.  I especially liked this part, because I do sometimes forget that I don't have to go all the way down.  I will try to be more gentle with myself.  I think that's especially important given some of the memories that have come up.

Hi ZenRacer,
Welcome here. To the best club for the worst reason, LOL.

It's common for many of us to overload at first. When the picture starts to become clear and the patterns emerge, it can be overwhelming.

Thank you HannaOne.  I can see why it's so common.  And that's exactly what it feels like.  Patterns emerging, that were right in front of me before and I just couldn't see.  I am trying to be kind to myself.  I read something here about how it's good to tackle stuff like this with a therapist, because they will help pace it so it doesn't get as overwhelming.  I guess that journey starts Tuesday. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry about the bike event. It is extra upsetting when what usually works to get us out of our head suddenly doesn't seem to be doing the job. I actually think this is a sign of some progress, and I'm not just trying to be positive here. Ignore the following if you are not feeling up to thinking about what was going on. I'm happy to delete if you don't want it cluttering up your journal.

What I suspect might have happened at times in the past is that you have dissociated through bike events just like you dissociate through other things. Of course not all the time, or even most of the time, but as you got more proficient in the bike riding it is easier to do things on auto pilot. I've found that with gym stuff. At the beginning I realised it was a massive benefit to me and forced me to be present in an emotionally safe activity. But of course as my skills increased it became easier to turn up and do it regardless of how I felt emotionally. So I did. And then of course you get that one time when you really want the activity to feel good and healing, and it doesn't do it. The elephant won't go.

Why I think this is progress is that you checked in with yourself at several points during the event. At all of those times you acknowledged that you were not feeling great and actively considered leaving. You gave the activity a chance - perhaps it would help once you got going. Nothing wrong with that decision. I often do that with exercise. I don't feel like it but I know I'm not ill, so I start, with a promise that if I still feel crummy 15 or 20 minutes later I will stop. I think where things went wrong for you is that the activity didn't help. But by then you had maybe mentally committed, so now you were telling yourself that to stop and leave would be 'running away'. CPTSD and shame got its grip on you. I am sorry that person ran you off the track - even more so if it was deliberate. I'm thankful nothing bad happened and I'm glad you took that opportunity to listen to the warning klaxons that had been going off for you all day. Maybe feeling empty afterwards was part of you feeling like you had given up and run away? You hadn't. You did the right thing, maybe later than ideal, but it seems to me like it was certainly the right thing.

We all make mistakes and we all get trapped by old patterns. CPTSD is a nasty and tricky beast. And you are at a particularly tricky stage, as you start to realise what you are dealing with and have yet to get past the initial overwhelm. Yet already you are actively checking in with yourself and you are remembering that you did so, and you are recording it here. I am guessing that is a huge change for you. It's big, and it's good, and I really hope you get off to a good start with the therapist tomorrow. I'm glad to read you are trying to be kind to yourself. We're with you.

[zen_racer]

Trigger Warning for this response, involving alcohol and self injury.

Thank you NarcKiddo for the very thoughtful response.  I read it just before work when I first got there.  It has left an impression with me all day that I'm grateful for.  With how thoughtful the response was, and all the details you included, I really feel seen, and maybe not so alone.  I think that helped me keep that fear and dread down to a minimum today.  I absolutely want this to stay in here.

I think my situation with the racing is a little different.  I think if anything, it's the only activity that won't let me dissociate, and maybe that's why it felt like such an escape.  It's not that time would disappear.  It's that it wouldn't, because I had no choice but to focus.  When I'm racing, I'm not riding to the limit if I don't occasionally get to that limit.  So I sometimes have the front or rear start sliding like the bike is trying to crash, and I have to react to save it.  I can't do that on autopilot.  I think yesterday, the problem was that my brain was short circuiting, and it wasn't allowing me to focus enough. 

I particularly appreciated and or liked the quoted parts.  Part of what kept me there was the feeling that I'd be running away.  I didn't realize that was due to cptsd and shame.  I don't like that part, but I appreciate it.  I have so much to learn.

I guess checking in with myself is kind of new.  Sharing this kind of stuff is new.  The last 2 sentences of your response really meant a lot to me.

I hope the visit with the therapist goes well tomorrow.  I think that elephant has mostly been made up of 3 things.  Hope/fear regarding the therapist and starting therapy.  Part of it is the fear and dread, seeing how much finally seeing the pattern of physical abuse reframed so many things in my life and wondering how much more is going to change.  Wondering if there's any part of me that's really me, or am I just automatic responses created by trauma?  But there's also terror and almost panic at the thought of going through a similar kind of realization if I look back to the worst time of my life.  It was a series of events and deliberate attacks that were traumatic enough that it broke me, and that's saying something, cause I'd dealt with trauma for decades.  I started drinking to numb the pain and drown everything out, and it quickly turned into drinking with the intent of causing self injury or worse through alcohol.  I forgot all the things that had happened, forgot why I had started drinking.  I'm mildly aware of them now because I had kept a journal the whole time.  But the one time I've read through that one, it caused another mini drinking binge from having read about it.  I was never the same after that.  I'm terrified of what it means, what bigger pattern might emerge, and I'm not ready.

"Calm breaths" - whispered to myself

Let's end on a positive note.  I was recently given a really nice promotion at work.  I've felt imposter syndrome since I started there, but I've done really well at the position I started with.  This promotion was entirely merit based, and they went out of their way to let me know how much they appreciate what I've done.  It's been around 5 weeks.  Today, someone from corporate asked me how I like the new position, and I of course said that I really like it, and that I'm glad I've had some contributions while still getting up to speed.  He assured me that they are all very appreciative of what I've done so far.  Literal dream position, at the most positive place I've worked in a very long time, and they like me for being who I am and doing things the way I do them.

I think where things went wrong for you is that the activity didn't help. But by then you had maybe mentally committed, so now you were telling yourself that to stop and leave would be 'running away'. CPTSD and shame got its grip on you.

...


We all make mistakes and we all get trapped by old patterns. CPTSD is a nasty and tricky beast. And you are at a particularly tricky stage, as you start to realise what you are dealing with and have yet to get past the initial overwhelm. Yet already you are actively checking in with yourself and you are remembering that you did so, and you are recording it here. I am guessing that is a huge change for you. It's big, and it's good, and I really hope you get off to a good start with the therapist tomorrow. I'm glad to read you are trying to be kind to yourself. We're with you.

[zen_racer]

So I had my first session with the therapist.  He was warm and welcoming.  We talked about why I was there, about my past.  He told me about different treatments.  We didn't dig deep into anything yet.  That seems like it's probably normal, being the first time we met and for him to get a feel for what he's working with.  Still, answering some of the things he asked, I started having ... well, I guess feelings.  A couple times, it got difficult to keep talking.

He told me about EMDR or whatever the acronym is.  It sounds like it might be promising, maybe.  My memories are still so separated without the emotional baggage attached to them, so I don't know if I'll remember enough for it to work.

He also talked about some type of psychological approach using different ego states.  He said it's not very popular in the US anymore, mostly because health insurance prefers things that can be measured.  But for the practical use of that, he mentioned it like I've seen done here.  Using imagination and memories to comfort the child me that was hurt and neglected.  As he described a scenario, maybe it hit too close to home.  I don't remember the story anymore, but it actually made me almost start crying at even just a hint of what the child me needed for the scenario he made up as an example.  It's the only time I've had any hope that I could even do that.  When I saw that type of thing here, I could see how it could be helpful.  So I tried to envision talking with my child self, and each time I did that, my first instinct was to hit that kid.  I was repulsed by that kid.  And I don't know why.  Is that treating the victim like it's his fault?  The way my tormenters would do that when I was a kid (and still try to do to this day)?  Is it just being angry that all that trauma from back then has screwed up my life?  I don't know.

I feel like I'm bracing for impact.  Physically, mentally, emotionally (if that's even possible while mostly not having emotions, or at least what I recognize as emotions).

When he was telling me about EMDR, he explained it relating the eye movements to what happens with REM sleep and dreams.  I told him how I typically never have dreams anymore.  He mentioned something about people not remembering their dreams, and I told him that in the last 25-30 years, I've probably had 5 dreams or less.

I told him that I'm scared of what I might find if I start remembering more about the drinking binge and or what led up to it.  I can't remember what he said, but it was something about helping me through that.  I know I was dissociating through some of the visit.

He described some of a family dynamic that might have explained why my M was the way she was.  I can't disagree with it, and it does sound very plausible.  It wasn't an excuse, just a possible explanation.  I get why he told me, and I did not have any aversion to hearing it, but right now I don't care why.  With how long it has gone on, at some point she had to be aware and just decided that she didn't care, or that she enjoyed it

I feel like crying now.  I feel completely incapable of doing so though.  I kind of feel like I need to.  I don't know.  I feel drained.  The session was supposed to be around 50 minutes to an hour, but it went on for an hour and a half.  I'm seeing him again on Monday, in less than a week.

That visit did give me hope that maybe I'm not just broken.  Or if I am, maybe I can be repaired a little.

...

I've taken long enough that I almost did start crying.  I had an EF, and that led to having a flashback of a memory from the drinking binge.  I didn't want this memory back.

Ending on a positive note.  I was inspired by a member here that talked about self care, and mentioned eating 3 meals a day and drinking more water.  I still need to eat my last meal today, but I have drank more water today.  Still not enough, but double from yesterday.

[HannahOne]

Hey ZenRacer, just wanted to congratulate you on the promotion! I felt so happy to read that your hard work was recognized and rewarded and that you're in a positive work environment. That is so important and so valuable.

FWIW, ego state therapy was helpful to me. It led me on to IFS and TIST. As long as the therapist knows you have dissociation, he should be able to adjust the protocol, and as long as he knows you have CPTSD and not just PTSD. We tend to need much more time on stabilization and resourcing before beginning trauma processing esp because we may be more prone to "chaining" of memories during processing. Take it step by step and so glad you have therapy support. There is definitely hope!

[Blueberry]

My heart goes out to you about wanting to hit your inner child instead of talking to him. That's what my first impulses were too. A therapist told me it was too early for me to go into dialogue, interactions etc with inner child.
I needed more stabilisation in my present day adult. That was a long time ago and since then I've done lots of ego state work.

Please remember that the child appearing in you to whom you have violent impulses is not a real live child who you can victimise and hurt. I shamed myself unnecessarily and long about that. The inner child or children (I have lots) is a tool to recovery. Sometimes picturing the child can be helpful, sometimes not.

If you can manage, please tell your therapist briefly how you reacted, your T should realise that it's too early to plunge straight into ego state work.

[NarcKiddo]

Congratulations on your promotion. That is great. 

I'm glad the therapy session went as well as it did. Some level of dissociation and an EF is no surprise. Even though you were not going into any depth it seems that the T was connecting with you to some degree. Of course that's going to feel weird and scary at first.

I agree with Blueberry's suggestion to tell the therapist how you reacted to the session if you feel up to it.

As for the reaction to the inner child - please don't be hard on yourself. That impulse may not even come from adult you, but from another child in the mix. The more I read and learn about inner children, or parts, the more I realise it is very common for there to be several even if there seems to be only one at first. I was very sceptical about the whole inner child thing initially but have found the concept very helpful over time. I have two that I am aware of. Little NK whose age varies but is always under 10 and usually around 5. My first reaction to her was feeling totally incapable of looking after that kid in any way at all. Then there is Teenage NK who rarely appears but is pretty much always at the root of my dissociation. I struggle with Teenage NK and although I have not exactly wanted to hit her I have on many occasions felt I would be quite happy if she would just go away. And I don't honestly know if it is me who would like her to go away, because that is a pretty mean way to feel about her, or whether there is some other NK (young adult NK possibly?) who is angry with Teenage NK for some reason.

I'm not surprised you feel drained after the session. That's likely to be the case for most sessions and it's a good idea to try to arrange them at a time when you can decompress a little afterwards rather than rush to some other appointment.

It's great that the new T was warm and welcoming, and well done for taking this step. It's a brave thing to do.