Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

something I can notice and remember where it comes from, the purpose it used to serve

hannah1, i think this is a wonderful realization, one i can utilize for myself.  our whatever did serve purposes once upon a time, some of them still do.  i think it's a very good idea to understand what those purposes were before we get rid of what doesn't work now.  well, as i rethink that last statement, i'm not so sure.  sometimes the protective device needs to be rid of before we begin looking at what purpose it served - i'm thinking of harmful addictions here.  usually while actively addicted, someone can't really look inward cuz their brain isn't functioning correctly in that moment.

so, there are exceptions to everything, mostly.  but i do think it's important to learn the purpose our behaviors have served in the end.  i think that's what helps us prevent going backwards, and encourages us to keep moving forward. just my own opinion. love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

Thinking of you and sending support! 

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, TheBigBlue, NarcKiddo than you so much for commenting and reading, and for the support and reflection. It's very helpful to have other people to bounce thoughts off and get new perspectives. I really appreciate your care.

[HannahOne]

I am going to the city again. This time I will take the train and the subway and see how it is. I am nervous. I feel overwhelmed. I also hate mornings, I'm not my best.

My life is changing, I Am changing. That's good, that's something I wanted. I was living with my feet half over the edge for five years. It took nine months to get my feet on solid ground and another six to step back. I'm now a good few feet from the edge. And I want to keep walking away from the edge and toward.... something. But what? I've been disoriented. I've struggled to find a direction, so struggled to move with momentum and purpose.

I'm feeling a bit more oriented. I want to move toward my partner. He has made a lot of changes lately. There was nothing terribly wrong before, he was just not as present as I wanted, not challenging himself in the relationship, and not doing as much as I wanted. But he was working very hard to support us, and giving me the space I had seemed to want.

Moving toward my partner feels good to All of Me.

With this direction, things are a little more clear. What kind of job I want. What else I want in my life.

I have offloaded about half the housework I was doing to the kids, partner, and a home helper since my partner has physical disability. I am more freed up and in less pain and less tired.  Just having the kids load their own dishes into the dishwasher is a big help. Things feel more balanced and fair with everyone contributing.

I have been painting for seven years. There is a workshop next week. I am interested that I don't want to do it. The meaning behind it has changed for me.

I no longer believe what I used to believe. I no longer believe in god. And alllllllllllll the stuff that goes with that. The necessity, the demands, the guilt, the control, the limits.

I no longer feel even the need or guilt to speak to or relate to my family. And all that goes with that. The limits and fears and guilt. Survivor guilt, separation guilt.

I am understanding better what I need to feel safe.

With my partner I am understanding better why I chose him and what still matters about that. And why he chose me. And what still matters about that. And how we can recreate that bubble of safety. Within which we can have fun and excitement and explore and have peace.

Growing up I wanted love. I loved my dog and my dog loved me. We ate a lot of kibble together. Not much eye contact, but a lot of snuggling.

I knew what love was not. I knew what kind of love my abusers were showing me. I found good love in friends, my partner, and looked for it everywhere.

The last five years a lot went wrong, most of it not in my control, the world went through a pandemic. I became extremely afraid, disoriented, frozen, shut down.

Reorienting toward love is making my life make sense again. It's not so much "I found love" as much as "love is my purpose." "Love is what I want." "Love is what I want to be." Connection, devotion, dance of attachment, orientation.

It can sound very abstract I suppose, but I can't share the details. The details are hard to describe anyway, unless you're a poet, which I once was but lost the words. It's more a posture toward, an openness, and vulnerability. Keeping it real.

One example I can share is I decided to tell my partner my history. We've been together 32 years. Wild I never did, but it makes perfect sense to me why I did not. I decided it was now or never, I might as well, if not now, when? What did I have to lose at this point. Obviously he knew the outlines and had seen the flashbacks, suffering, he paid the therapy bills for 30 years. I had just never told him in words the what, how. We will see how all that shakes out, how he handles it. But it changed something in me. And it changed us, too.

I recently started trying to read and listen to poetry again. Andrea Gibson is one poet that has been speaking to me. I typically don't like spoken word, but their work became all about love. They died not long ago and I have been devouring their substance about love with their partner Meg. Here are Andrea's thoughts about loving oneself. I highly recommend their work. https://andreagibson.substack.com/p/how-to-love-yourself-forgiveness-beyond-self-love

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, i agree, it's all about love. not only for others but for ourselves as well.  so glad you're moving toward your H again - it sounds like a wonderful choice of direction.

i think, when it's age appropriate, that it's a good thing for our kids to learn things they'll need to know once they get out on their own.  i was completely unprepared, and it made for some very undesirable circumstances with roommates.  i taught my girls how to wash their clothes when they were 13, started giving them some of those responsibilities so they wouldn't be going into the world w/o some knowledge of the basics.  i saw too many white shirts become pink while in college cuz kids didn't know to separate whites from colors.  especially the guys. 

glad you're being able to keep stepping back from that edge.  progress.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Sharing your history is a big step. Be gentle with yourself and him if necessary while it all shakes out. I'm glad you have got to a stage where you felt able to do that.

 

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7 thank you for the support in having kids do some work. These are adult kids and almost adult kids, so yeah they can put their dishes in the dishwasher! And yes they need to learn these self care skills. Otherwise I am disabling them by enabling. NK, thank you for the encouragement. He has been very sober. He knew from observing me, flashbacks, general shared knowledge that happens in thirty years, but it's definitely hitting him. I Am sobered by his soberness. The mood is sober, like a bucket of cold water. Reality. Today he shared some of his experience growing up, very different than mine yet weirdly some similar feeling tones and themes. The mood is also a little sacred, like whispering in a cathedral. I think it is leading to more mutual respect.

I feel shockingly energized by the trip to the city today. I like the train. It takes the whole day, for an hour appointment. Which seems silly. But I reached out to the therapist to see if she has an opening at a time of day that will work. What I like about it is getting out of the suburbs, the mom-bubble I've been in. Seeing people in all kinds of wild fashions, people expressing gender diversity, people expressing their backgrounds, rich and poor people, all kinds of people. Being a people amongst the people. The energy of the city is different. Some aspects are a little scary or triggering, but that too is interesting. I like being on my own, figuring it out. I like moving, walking, navigating. I like traveling over ground, distance. Feels kinda primal. I am an animal, exploring my territory amongst the herd.

The fact that I feel energized although physically a bit tired and not drained means something to me.

My breast MRI didn't happen. I scheduled it online but when I arrived they said they don't do MRI at that location. I have to reach out to the doctor.... Sigh.

The nutritionist said I am eating half the calories I should, and half the protein I need. Stunned to learn this. If I eat more calories, I might feel emotionally and physically better. Frustrated that I am still reenacting neglect this way. Fearful that I can't change, but have made new meal plans and ordered new and more foods, protein powder. Grieving growing up hungry whether from neglect or .... neglect. LOL. It was neglect. And then I neglected myself as a teen when I should have been able to make myself better meals and eat. I just didn't eat. Grief.

When I try to eat I feel sad and want to cry, so I prefer not to eat. I am going to sit with this part. Not today though I will do my psychological work and get out of denial.... tomorrow.

Currently wearing heart monitor and pressing the button when I feel lightheaded or short of breath. Am I lightheaded from Not eating enough?! Feeling not too smart if that's the case, but no one thought to ask and I've never eaten "enough" apparently and not always had these symptoms. Inching toward the next medical steps one step at a time.

[HannahOne]

I am trying to work on a painting. Whenever I sit down, I cry. I feel like I can't do it. I feel I'll make a mistake. I feel I'll ruin it. Everyone will see my mistakes. I am so embarrassed. I should know the steps by now and the process. I studied one on one for three years now once a week. Why am I so unsure what comes first, how to do it? I look at the board and go blank. I start to make the lines, and am horrified by their appearance. IA m afraid to take the next step. It sits there. Days pass. I must paint the lines on. I am afraid to commit.

 It's the same thing that happens at the wildlife rehab. I can't remember the staff's names even though I've been there ten times now. I am not sure what I should be doing, and feel lightheaded. I hide in the deep freezer, the bathroom.

On arrival I see shoe covers in pouches, some have names on them. But I know Nancy and if her shoe covers are there, she's not there.... and there are no other shoe covers. I don't want to be marked late, I am anxious. I impulsively take the shoe covers. An hour later Nancy shows up. When I leave I put the shoe covers back in the pouch that says "Nancy," and now there's a sign "Please do not take." I feel terrible. I shouldn't have taken them, I should have... I would have had to walk around back outside the building to the other side and come in that way and see if there were shoe covers. You cannot enter the building without them. But I just panicked in the moment and put them on, when they were in her labeled pouch. Most people don't have a labeled pouch, I don't. She has claimed them. I shouldn't have used them. Now everyone will talk about HannahOne who took shoe covers. Why did I do it!? In the moment I just panicked and wanted to get in there before someone said I was late. I feel I can never return.

I read the sign on the wall to make possum and raptor lunches. Beside two animals, American Crow A and Red Tailed Hawk, it says "deceased." I am stunned and sad. I put a frozen rat into the eagle's lunch cup. How could they be deceased, what happened? I say to everyone who comes into the prep room, what happened to the Crow A? Finally someone says, HannahOne, DECREASED. Not deceased. Their serving has DECREASED bc they were getting too heavy.

Oh. Erm. Haha.

It's a small mistake? A freudian slip? Am I delusional?

I feel lightheaded so I go outside to check the clothesline. Shoe covers off. Nothing. I come back in. Shoe covers on. I want to leave. I check the clock. Two minutes have passed. One of the bosses passes whose name of course I don't know, one is Jane, is this one Jane? no idea. "You always have that look on your face!" she says. What look? I don't ask.

It's just awful. I dont' habituate! I want to quit. I dont' want to quit. I need the structure. When will this end? Why can't I be normal?

Same with the painting. It's been 7 years I think. Yet every time I feel sick, I cry, I am ashamed of my lines, I doubt placement, I am sure I'm making horrible error. It's hard to fix errors on these boards, I don't have another board this size, etc etc etc.... So I just don't paint.

Do I not like painting?

Do I not like working with wildlife?

would something else be better?

It doesn't seem like it? I closed my small business for these same reasons, massive resistance, lightheadedness, avoidance to start, wailing when I try to do it, self-doubt, confusion.

In the city I took pictures at each step of the journey. So in future when I get confused I Can look at them. Several times I was off by an hour as to when I needed to catch the next train/subway. Several times I thought I was on the wrong train/subway despite having used chatGPT to write it out for me beforehand. Several times I rechecked the maps and stops as I passed them to reassure myself I was not on an Eastbound train when I wanted West. Twice I panicked that I had just traveled an hour int he wrong direction. But being off by an hour? thinking I'd get home at 1, when it would be 2...counting the hours again, again, getting a different result each time.

If I try to slow the process of all these things down, it seems like: I get anxious so I check, and if I can't reassure myself, I panic. Then I experience a lot of self doubt and can't think. Then I'm terrified that I'm crazy, and then I derealize or depersonalize?

I can't check if my painting is correct.

I can't check what I should be doing at the wildlife center. There's no easy way to figure out at this late date which one is Jane. I tried to check if the birds were really deceased.... I can't know for sure I should be cutting up apples.

I can check if I'm on the right train. So it was more manageable. Still it's unpleasant, stressful, scary to be me.

Could this be a part of me? Am I getting triggered and dissociating? I don't even want to know. I am angry and sad. I feel like a failure that at age fifty plus I still cannot do the simplest things everyone else takes for granted. And I have a high IQ! LOL. I have many masters degrees! Like... what is the problem?! I am frustrated and embarrassed.

I wish I could find a therapist to help me with All of Me because I am TOO MUCH for me.

[HannahOne]

TW emotional neglect

I intellectualize.

When I don't know something, I feel panic. I feel like there is no ground. When I "can't think," when I feel like I can't solve something with my mind, I have no other way to solve it.

When I don't know something, asking a question does not occur to me.

when I can't solve something with my mind, asking for help doesn't occur to me.

When I feel scared or alone, calling for help doesn't occur to me.

the other people in the environment feel faceless and nameless to me.

the people in the environment feel like a threat. I assume they are angry with me, will talk badly about me, and don't understand me. Sometimes those things happen because people are people, and people don't always understand my behavior.

I was neglected as a child.

I would like to learn new ways of interacting with the world, with other people, with my own emotions and experiences.

Being "intelligent" and intellectualizing is not working for me. It was very helpful to get through a lot of school, which is how I got out. But it's no way to live.

I can't feel loved intellectually.

LOL.

Frank help me. Teach me how to feel.

Frank is quite stoic. But he's a very deep feeler. The only way to know his feelings is to feel into them yourself. His body language is extremely subtle, because he's a prey animal and it's not safe to show. I am going to interact with him more in the days ahead. Yesterday he got new rugs in his room and he was so chuffed about it, sprawled out like a lion surveying his kingdom.

[HannahOne]

TW food issues

Growing up there wasn't always enough food.

And.

There wasn't enough love.

And.

The love that was there was mixed with abuse.

It's like the food that was there was poison.

I learned not to need too much. Not too much love. Not too much food.

I learned I am too much, I need too much.

I had to choose between me and being connected to others. Between my needs and my survival.

What a double bind.

No wonder I shut down. No wonder I focused on school and work.

No wonder as an adult I shut down and stayed in bed, isolated. Stopped trying to connect.

I am reconnecting. To me. To my needs. To others.

[NarcKiddo]

Deceased. Decreased. That is totally the kind of thing that should be hilarious, that others would probably find hilarious even if they had done it, but if it were me I would want the ground to open. At once. 

I feel for you on the art front, too. Art can't be wrong. You can't put the lines in the wrong place. For sure you can put them in a place you didn't intend and then beat yourself up about it for days. But who is going to tell you your art is wrong and laugh at you? My M told me and it stopped me doing art for decades. I refuse to be M to myself. I came back to art by doing colouring books, where I knew I couldn't do it wrong and discovered I enjoyed the process, so carried that over to my art. If the result is pleasing, it's a bonus. If it isn't, at least I have got some peace from the process, as I use it as mindfulness practice. I hope you can find a way to cast off the fear of doing it wrong, because you seem clearly to be drawn to art, which is why I have told you my recent experiences of it.

I'm glad you are reconnecting. It's hard work, but it's worth it.

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, thank you so much for your comment. I think the painting workshop I have been doing for the last years isn't healthy for me, it's too critical and rigid. I love your idea of a coloring book! That's beautiful.

One of my parents was extremely critical. Luckily they weren't around a lot. Fear of being criticized is shutting me down. It's part of why I stayed in bed, I'm afraid to do a job, or try at the volunteer while life job. I mean, you're right, "deceased" and "decreased" is actually hilarious, how adorable of me! They weren't deceased, just decreased! How I experienced it was as criticism even tho no one criticized me, I criticized myself.

What I most crave lately is "freedom" and I'm trying to understand that more. It may relate to this. I need freedom, in art for example, to begin. To start anything I need a sense of freedom, freedom to do it my way, to try and fail, and freedom from criticism. Everyone struggles with an inner critic. Maybe being more aware of mine will allow me more space and freedom to try, explore more. That's what the whole wildlife thing. was about, exploring.

[SenseOrgan]

The shoe cover scene is so relatable. Guilt attacks are so horribly convincing. As if an innocent mistake is a crime against humanity. I'm sorry you ended up there. You're just human. It's cool, messing up is very much part of our species. We excel at that. Each in our own way. Your colleagues too.

Reading your last post I realized something. The challenge isn't to be free from the fear to fail, but to learn how to properly do failure. Failure is our right. Owning that frees and empowers. Similar to healthy anger. Is this connected to what you wrote about or am I missing the mark?

I love that you're exploring and clarifying what you want and need! Isn't that success in it's own right? 

[HannahOne]

SenseOrgan, that made me laugh. "Crime against humanity," I laughed because that's just how it feels to take the wrong shoe covers! also and you're right, it's not a crime! Humans are allowed to be messy and make mistakes. Yes, it's related, there's a healthy anger, and healthy failure. I'm literally at the wildlife rehab to explore, try, and fail.  

[HannahOne]

I had art therapy today. I feel I accessed more peace and clarity in 45 minutes of art therapy than in the last 6 weeks or so of trying to make it work with a regular therapist.

I'm considering just doing art therapy. I'm a little worried about not having a regular therapist but I've managed this far ok. I will speak to one more this week. And then choose.

Even if I choose one of the regular therapists I'm going to keep doing art therapy every other week.

I came home and started putting lines on my painting. I'm about 40% done. Most of them are ok, a few are bad. My hand gets tired, it shakes, and I have to use magnifying headpiece. My eyes get tired. Part of me wants to hurry and finish but my lines are getting worse and worse. Tomorrow I'm solo parenting for two weeks... I won't have a lot of time between now and noon Sunday when the class starts between driving kid to various activities. But it is what it is. I may show up with my painting not as far along as it should be. Oh well. I'm going to miss a bit of the class here and there anyway being a taxi every day. I am going to attend. But in my way on my terms.

I finished my big project of some weeks (months?) ago now. I'm starting a new one on what being female means to me. Buckle up! LOL. I draw a blank in my mind. But when I pick up the paintbrush, I just start drawing.

It's going to be a challenging two weeks with a lot of transitions. Hoping for good for All of Me. Hoping to stay connected to All of Me or quickly recover when I disconnect. Hoping to love All of Me each day.

Upped my protein by 30 grams today and ate three meals One was too small. Did my workout. I am getting abs! Shocked. And shoulder muscles. Lats. It's working! I had to move a table with my teen and they remarked how strong I am! If only they knew... : )