Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[NarcKiddo]

 

[zen_racer]

I am feeling a lot better than when I last wrote in here.  I had been overwhelmed.  I had an experience before that session that I wanted to write about though.

At one point while talking with the woman I'm seeing (Lets call her B), we were opening up.  I think I may have asked if she had any reservations.  It may have come up some other way, but she said she had something to be honest about that might hurt my feelings.  This was late when we both should've gone to bed, but she asked if I'd be stuck thinking about that if we didn't talk about it due to time.  I said I likely would think about it, so she told me then so I wouldn't get stuck spinning on something vague.  She brought up that it didn't seem like I asked enough questions, and it made her feel like I wasn't really interested.  It was uncomfortable hearing that, because I was interested, but also because I had let her down in that respect.  I recognized that she was right, and didn't take that as an attack.  I assured her that I was interested.  I explained that as a guy, it seemed like some things were off the table as far as asking questions early on.  That subjects like asking about her kids could seem inappropriate or make me a creep.  But I also admitted that I think asking better questions is a skill that I need to better develop.  We talked about how I've been self isolating for so long, and compared that to how her job relies on skills of interacting with and motivating others.  I asked if that was a deal breaker, or if she'd be willing to let me work on that aspect of myself.  She is willing, and I've been working on that.

It goes a bit deeper though.  The next day, I had a great day at work.  I did have some wins on equipment I've been working on getting to be more reliable, but I think it also had to do with an unconscious shift in my outlook.  Driving home from work, I was relaxed and enjoying music a little more than normal, and realized that I was actually happy.  Not just surviving in a lack of feeling bad.

I think it had a lot to do with that talk the night before.  She may have had something to say that was uncomfortable to hear, but it was a type of boundary she was letting me know about, which she had been nervous about sharing.  But it had been a chance to bring us closer together with better understanding and respect.  It was a chance to grow and repair.  I let her know that evening all of this, and told her that her willingness to share that and accept that I want to work on it helped me feel more secure and thanked her for telling me that it had bothered her, and for doing so in a respectful way.

I think for the first time, I'm understanding how healthy relationships with others can be healing.

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds like a really helpful experience. I'm glad.

I don't know if this relates to your experience at all but for me, as a child, questions were DANGEROUS. In a massive way. My mother could not bear to be questioned, even if I was not questioning her but simply seeking information and then following up on aspects I did not fully understand. One of my fathers' mottos, that he was very proud of, was 'Never ask a question to which you do not already know the answer.' I had to find out my own answers to pretty much everything about life and am now having to unlearn a lot of 'facts' that were picked up by a traumatised child.

I think that being around dangerous people discourages us from asking questions, even if they are not as averse to them as my FOO was. I mean, nobody asks a slavering bear 'are you going to attack me?'. They make their own judgement and get the heck out. It does not sound like you feel B is dangerous but she is a new person and you obviously care about getting to know her, so with a trauma background I think questions may feel risky over and above the normal reservations you might have as a guy. Hence, maybe, why you are not yet fully skilled at asking questions. And now you are running up against a person who does not have this background and who expects to be asked questions because that is a normal part of life.

I'm really glad she is a person who will talk things through with you and that you feel safe enough to do so.

 

[Marcine]

 
I'm happy for you, ZR.

[SenseOrgan]

Zen, what a joy to read about your and B's mindful navigation! It makes me really happy that you're getting a taste of the healing potential of healthy relationships. And I admire the way you responded to B's feedback. From surviving to thriving! 

[sanmagic7]

ZR, what a wonderful conversation!  so glad you two decided to see it thru, so glad she had the courage to tell you, and you had the wherewithal to be able to receive her input and talk thru it.  this is exactly how trust is built.  it's all sounding lovely.  and, yeah, don't beat yourself up about the question thing.  we don't know, in a new relationship, what matters and what doesn't to the other person.  some people - i've been w/ quite a few of them - don't like being questioned, feel uncomfortable or like they're being interrogated.  so, now you know what questions mean to her, and you two can proceed from there.  well done!!!  love and hugs

[Harorudo]

I'm proud of you it seems you've came a very long way, please take care and see you around!       

[zen_racer]

Thank you everyone.  Harorudo, welcome.  At the moment, that seems like too much praise.

Things are still going well with B.  We've had a few more serious conversations.  Because of hoping to go with her sometime, but knowing things might not work out and willing to start exploring as a hobby for myself regardless, I've bought a new backpacking pack.  They are remarkably more comfortable than when I got an old external frame pack over 35 years ago for boy scouts.

I've had some not great interactions with some family in the last week or so.

I've also started watching a TV show that B wanted me to see.  She described it as a TV show that heals people.  Indeed, the internet seems to agree with that assessment.  This show triggers me.  It has several times.  It's Ted Lasso.  In one instance, a character confesses to treating the main character really poorly, and sabotaging his job for reasons that had nothing to do with him.  In that scene, his face shows confusion, sadness, anger, and when she's done, he stands up and forgives her.  "You know, I think that if you care about someone, and you've got a little love in your heart, there ain't nothing you can't get through together."  I started crying.  At first, I thought it was because of the example of people repairing in relationships.  One of the things I've never gotten.  I later started to recognize that as nice as that was, he was abandoning himself to help manage her emotions, and I recognized myself in that.

In a different episode, that main character is talking to a therapist about a traumatic experience when he was 16.  Unrelated to that experience, it brought up a memory that I didn't even trust was real at first.  When I was a child, before I was tasked with disabling my dad's car when he'd come home drunk and he and my mom would start screaming and fighting and he'd storm off, there was a time when my mom called the police on my dad.  I remember being so scared because I wasn't used to the fighting.  I was scared one of them was going to hurt the other one.  When she called the police, I was terrified that I'd no longer have a dad.  That he'd be in jail.  I remember the red and blue light coming in through the windows and flashing off the walls of the stairs as I hid at the top, near my bedroom.  Somewhere that didn't feel like home because we hadn't been there long.

I still check in with myself every weekday for 15-20 minutes before leaving for work.  It's become harder to switch that back off for my drive in to work.  On one occasion, I was still crying when I got to work.  It has made me realize that I've been very good at masking in my life.  So much so that I didn't realize I was doing it.  At first, I was confused how I could start crying so fast when checking in with myself even when I wasn't thinking about any of the traumatic things.  I finally realized that I wasn't "connecting with my emotions".  It's that every other moment, I was blocking my emotions.  It's getting harder to put the mask back on.  I think I'm finally starting to grieve the things I didn't get.

In therapy, we've finally gotten through the timeline my T wanted.  She's given me a list of negative self beliefs to think about so we can categorize the timeline with the negative beliefs, rank the severity, and start doing emdr on them.  That list of negative self beliefs seems so much like a check list.  There are at least some I don't have.  Or don't have anymore.

But hey, not everything has been bad.  I've had some good times with B.  We went to the art museum and that was nice.  I like to make bad jokes, and I said something about one painting which made her burst out laughing.  Other people nearby also heard me and started laughing a lot.  I'm sorry for sort of disappearing for a little bit.  I've just been talking with B a lot and spending time with her, and also feeling less stable in other times.  I know we start to feel more as we start to feel safe enough to do so, and this is likely another indication that I'm starting to heal.  But it sure doesn't feel like healing yet.

[Harorudo]

I gave you the praise since you seem to overcoming a lot of things in your life. Also you have B in your life and it seems to being good and healthy thing for you. I wish I had someone like that myself but I don't. I guess I'm unlucky with people, heh. Yes you are starting to heal and that's so wonderful to know. I'm rooting for you hoping things stay good and you feeling good. Even if it's only a little if the case.

P.s Thank you for the welcome.

Also sorry if it's too much I just thought it was inspiring was all.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad things with B are going well. Also glad that you have got through the timeline for your T.

I've not watched Ted Lasso - I keep hearing people say it's good but I haven't got round to watching it. I'll bear in mind what you have said if you do - I know things land differently for everyone but it can be quite disconcerting if you watch something everyone says is x and you find it y.

I found that with Yellowstone. People were raving about it and I absolutely hated it. I watched the whole thing because my husband liked it and the scenery was good, but the characters were mostly utterly ghastly.

[Marcine]

Hi ZR,
"I've bought a new backpacking pack.  They are remarkably more comfortable than when I got an old external frame pack over 35 years ago for boy scouts"

Yes!! I hope you both hit the trail soon!

[sanmagic7]

o, ZR, so much stuff going on.  you're figuring out a lot about yourself, like grieving (which is huge) and like identifying things about yourself (like the Ted Lasso scene).  grieving is a major experience all by itself.  as far as Ted Lasso, i watched the first 2 seasons, then it moved to a pay service and i found i didn't miss it.  but i often am able to identify things about myself by watching characters on a screen, too.

i'm very glad you and B are doing well together.  very cool!!  let's hope you get to use that new backpack together and enjoy what you're doing as well as each other.  love and hugs

[sanmagic7]

o, ZR, so much stuff going on.  you're figuring out a lot about yourself, like grieving (which is huge) and like identifying things about yourself (like the Ted Lasso scene).  grieving is a major experience all by itself.  as far as Ted Lasso, i watched the first 2 seasons, then it moved to a pay service and i found i didn't miss it.  but i often am able to identify things about myself by watching characters on a screen, too.

i'm very glad you and B are doing well together.  very cool!!  let's hope you get to use that new backpack together and enjoy what you're doing as well as each other.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

Harorudo, it wasn't too much.  Thank you for saying those things.  I just sometimes don't feel worthy of praise.

NK, thank you.  I wish I was done entirely with that timeline, but we used it in therapy today.  I could see that about Yellowstone, and I also relate to what you said about getting something different from a show that's so popular for X, but seeing Y instead.

Marcine, thank you.  B is currently training for hiking down the Grand Canyon and back up.  We went on a hike over the weekend for 6 miles.  She was carrying a weighted pack for training, I didn't carry anything.  To be fair though, she does 3-4 big backpacking trips a year.  It was fun, but I felt half dead on Monday. LOL

SanMagic, yeah, I agree about the grieving.  It's been hard.  I've still been having more and more memories come back.  Sometimes while watching that show.  There was an episode where a character had never learned how to ride a bike.  It brought back memories for me how my dad wouldn't let me have a bike with training wheels as a child, and only spent a short time trying to help me learn twice and gave up.  I had to teach myself how to ride a bike with no help a year or two later, still as a child.  I started remembering how much I wished that my Dad would want to help me learn and spend time with me.

It's making me finally realize how much of an absent parent he was.  How when my parents divorced, he abandoned me with the parent he knew was abusive to me, and a brother that he knew was physically abusive.

Anyway, therapy today was kind of brutal.  We went over the list of negative self beliefs that I highlighted, especially the one I wrote in because there wasn't one like it on the list.  She then had me pick a couple that I'd want to work on first, and we started connecting those with memories from the timeline and ranking them.  She really drilled down into some of those memories, some of the worst ones.  She's leaving it up to me if we start doing EMDR targeting what we got through today, or keep mapping out the beliefs and linking them memories and ranking them for my next session.  I'm not sure yet.  I have a session next week, but the week after will be a week off.  Not sure I want to start and then have a week off.