the next step

[sanmagic7]

thanks, NK.  i do feel better today. 

ready to do another round of processing the grief inside (and whatever is attached to it) but in a much smaller piece this time.  i've been told how brave i am, how much courage i've exhibited by continuing this processing on my own.  i said i didn't feel brave or courageous, cuz i've always heard those states of being come from doing something that one has fear about, but doing it despite the fear.

until now, i haven't felt any fear about doing this processing, so it never felt like a brave thing to do.  since i fired my T, am waiting to hear from someone next month, i thought i'd tackle this area of grief that i'd never done before, mainly cuz i didn't have the feelings usually attached to it.  didn't/couldn't recognize the stages, cuz i was already working hard to survive that particular loss.  now, however, since the seizure, i do feel fear.  i can't trust my brain, which is what emdr/flash technique is all about, and it happened during a Flash episode.

so, yes, now i can consider myself brave, even courageous, to tackle another bit of this grieving stuff, but it's going to be a small, yet powerful bit.  it's the loss of my dog, who had been with me thru all the awfulness of my first marriage, and when i left, he didn't want to be married anymore, i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, found a girlfriend in another state who had room, moved there on my own, and my dog was able to come w/ me.  w/in a month, i was told the landlady didn't want the dog there anymore, and i had to send him back.

i had survived everything up to that point, but having to get rid of him was the straw that broke my camel's back.  i've already written about what came after, but losing my dog is something i've never grieved, and while it's a small part of my story, to me it's one of the most powerful and heartbreaking parts.  it almost did me in.  so, i believe the loss of my dog deserves to be properly grieved, and i'll do that later today.  wish me luck.  i am scared.

[HannahOne]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog, SM7. You were in a difficult situation and had to survive. Our pets are companions and attachment figures and losing them is very painful. It makes sense you would need to grieve this. Sending you virtual flowers in honor of your beloved dog, and tissues for the tears. Grief is love that now has no place to go. Your dog is gone, and the love remains.

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, thank you so.  the love does remain, only i didn't know that until i went after it.

my processing was brief yesterday, but fruitful.  i did it immediately after writing here on the forum, so everything about that precise period of time in my life was still at the fore.  when i began, i almost immediately saw my dog funning across the grass at the top of my mind.  he was always so beautiful to see when he ran, and altho i 'flashed' several times, that was the image that stayed.  tears were on the brink, but never fell.  still, i know i carry my dog w/ me - he has still been my one constant thru everything, but now i have this image of him to pull on and i love it. no one can take him away from me again.

[sanmagic7]

reading over my reply, i felt more whole, as if a piece of me fell into place that i didn't know was missing.  that whole story about my dog certainly wasn't about him, per se, only that he marked the last straw of what i had gone thru for 2 months of my life.  he didn't die, but i had to let go of him, send him away, and that's what broke my camel's back.

looking back on that last sentence, i realized how much i was dealing with at a particularly vulnerable time in my life, not only on the outside, but inside my body as well, including being hormonal which comes w/ pregnancy.  i'm amazed i was able to hang on as long as i did, was able to make the decisions i did, and because of my maternal instinct, was able to stay alive and make plans to keep not only my life, but then the life of a newborn as well.  dang!  it reiterates the amount of strength i've been able to pull on at the lowest, worst times of my life.

no wonder my brain exploded when trying to process that marriage as a whole. 

since i've been able to successfully process the loss of my dog now, i'm trying to think what i might want to process next from that marriage or about that husband.  a scene just came to mind where he visited me in the hospital w/ his mother the day after i gave birth.  he decided to hold the baby, but w/ a caveat - 'she better not throw up on my new $300 suit."

i was lying in a state-run hospital, living at a friend's house, on welfare, he'd given me $75 the day i left our home, hadn't brought any money for me this day, so i was living in poverty and he was bragging about how much his suit cost.  ok, i can feel the anger rising up - at the time i didn't feel it, i was just enduring the circumstances.  i also feel a pain in my chest, near the left side of my heart.  yeah, he rained down a lot of hurt and pain on me in so many ways, and i'm beginning to feel it now.

[sanmagic7]

well, i did the processing of about 1/2 hr. of him visiting me in the hospital the day after our baby was born.  actually, it feels weird to use the word 'our' when he had so little to do with her.  i pounded the bed to get some of the anger and whatever other emotions might be inside, the pain went away, but the rest of the day i could feel the effects of processing just that 1/2 hr.  still, the picture of him and his mother standing around my hospital bed became very, very small.  if i dredge it up in my mind right now, they look absolutely wooden, 2 wooden dolls in a hospital room looking at me, blank expressions on their faces.

at the time i remember thinking 'how nice, they came to visit and see the baby'.  now it feels like it was a duty thing, like grandma wanted to see her latest grandbaby - she never held her, nor ever saw her again.  all in all, again, i was enduring, happy to get crumbs.  they're both dead now, but the memories linger.  i find no joy in that visit, and i'm glad it's over.  but it was distressing to me cuz it brought up more realizations about how glad i was to get any kind of attention from a man, to think of any kindness as something to fall in love with.  so needy, huge craving for touch and something caring.

that all sounds like something to remember for next week's project.  there's so much attached to that man, still.  i want to clean it out, clear out the things i didn't get, the huge amount of gratitude for any crumb i did get that kept me hopeful.  what a sorry state of affairs.  but i've got to give my brain some rest, so i'll do my best to wait till monday.

[Marcine]

San, I very much resonate with the feeling of "gratitude for any crumb i did get that kept me hopeful.  what a sorry state of affairs."

Your journal entries chronicle this epic journey in this amazing tone of complete involvement, deep emotions, and lucid processing.

I am in awe at your motivation and determination and stamina.