Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[zen_racer]

Medics and basic physios literally do not know what to do with a 57-year-old managing severe hyperinflation who wants to lift weights and use a recumbent bike. Because they lack the specialized training to program athletic conditioning for damaged lungs, their default response is to be arrogant, dismissive, or tell you to "just relax". It is a defense mechanism for their lack of knowledge, not a reflection of your reality.

I liked the comments you put in that post, NK.  I particularly liked this part.  I'm a different person, with different circumstances, but I will agree that they aren't prepared for people that aren't like everyone else.

I'm also glad that you got your camera working again.

 

[SenseOrgan]

NK, I just want to acknowledge how horrible that state is you described in entry #352. Sometimes it keeps coming from all angles, and even the tiny stable spot you thought you could stand on is being destroyed right in front of your eyes. After a monumental amount of effort. Even to stay afloat. Big chance I would have felt the same in your shoes. In fact, I felt awfully similar just last week due to my own cocktail of events. It made me very bitter, hopeless, and overwhelmed. It's not the first time we ended up there, I think. I imagine this is how we felt when the people who had to protect us from harm added more themselves. And there was no way out. For me it's hard to detect this one as an EF, but I think it's a colossal one. And it isn't just that. I'm sorry your health issues are making things you enjoy so challenging. It's not easy to adjust to that being added to the mix. That said, I hope you will find joy and fulfillment in holidays and exercise again.

Hugs from Holland! 

[NarcKiddo]

Teen NK has been struggling. She tried to dissociate me out of a therapy session the other week but I noticed in time and this time I managed to remain present. I'm not sure whether having that fight with her has been helpful or not but I spoke about it with my T this week. My T was trying to take the blame, thinking she had done something to upset Teen NK and cause the dissociation attempt. Last time this happened (around this time last year, funnily enough) my T had unknowingly used a phrase that triggered Teen NK but I am pretty sure that didn't happen this time. However it was nice to have my T offer that she might have made a mistake even if I don't think she did.

What is clear is that I need to spend a lot more time with Teen NK. T and I will work on that. I've not been doing a great deal of art recently as it has been too hot, I have been tired and I have been stressed out over medical issues. But art seems to be something that Teen NK enjoys and finds calming. She was keen on art back then, too, until M was so mean about her work. So I have made a conscious effort to do some. And the other day I thought maybe it would be good to do a portrait of Teen NK. So I found an old photo. I remember when it was taken and how I was feeling at the time. It was a photo taken by M, not for any special occasion.

I'm not sure whether it was me or Teen NK doing the art. Possibly both of us. But I found it strangely intimate, doing a head study of me, then, and really trying to get to know Teen NK. I felt very tender as I worked on it. Teen NK used to hate being minutely observed. I still do. M did/does it all the time. And then comments. So I did not expect Teen NK to enjoy being observed so closely by me, but I was not commenting or doing it in any mean or critical way. I was just trying to show her as she was, and feel into her expression, which is outwardly neutral but which I knew was masking sadness. I felt very tender towards her and I think she appreciated that.

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
What a beautiful, powerful, tender experience you describe of creating a portrait of teen NK...

the devoted and focused energy of portraiture, the potent healing of art, and the offer of unconditional care by paying loving attention to her...

[HannahOne]

NK, I loved hearing about your making the portrait of Teen NK. That' something we didn't have as kids, we didn't have mindful attention, we weren't supervised or were overly scrutinized and controlled or both alternating. We weren't living under a loving gaze. We weren't seen and heard. Teens are more self conscious and don't always like direct eye contact or direct ANY contact, and you were sensitive to that as you worked on the art. What a beautiful portrait of the two of you this post describes. I'm so happy thinking of TeenNK getting something of what they need. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[zen_racer]

I agree with Marcine and HannahOne.  That does sound like a tender experience.  I'm sorry that you've been stressed about medical issues.  Sending hugs if you'd like them. 

[NarcKiddo]

I was supposed to have therapy today. Someone was really looking forward to talking to T about my portrait and showing it to her. I think Teen NK more than me, but not sure. I've got a difficult week coming up. We have family visiting as from tomorrow. Nice family, not FOO, but it's a change in routine, and the grandsons are pretty full on. Then no sooner have they gone then I have the annual visit with FOO where I have to go and stay at their house. I have managed to wangle it this year so I am only there for one night instead of two, but the whole thing is such a source of dread that one night or two makes little difference emotionally. I had already had to cancel my therapy appointment for next week because I have to go and see the lung consultant and he only has his clinic on a Thursday.

I used to get really angry if my T cancelled a session due to illness. She always offers a rescheduled one at the weekend when that happens, and over the past year or so that has been totally fine. I don't get angry any more. I also don't always feel the need to reschedule, and am OK with simply dropping the session.

However, today we were in the coffee shop after gym and I got a message cancelling today because she is ill. She offered me the weekend but I can't do that because of the family visit. I cried. In the coffee shop. In front of my husband. About a missed therapy appointment.

It was worse because the first thing I did was try not to cry but I couldn't fully hold back. So of course H noticed and asked what was wrong and I couldn't say. Couldn't find words that I could utter without turning into a puddle. I've been quite out of sorts recently because this lung problem has been really getting to me, plus the FOO visit is coming up and various bits and bobs. He has noticed, and clearly thought it was something to do with that. He said in blissful ignorance 'well, you'll be able to talk it all over with T this afternoon.' So of course I turned into a puddle. Not helped by him being a bit deaf. I said "She's unwell. So I can't see her today." He got the last bit but not the first and then started asking why I could not see her. So I had to repeat myself which I hate at the best of times but it now felt like I was unheard and ignored. Which is not the case of course but when you are in an EF it is absolutely the case. Sigh.

I have a rescheduled appointment in the diary for next weekend, but part of me still feels totally let down and abandoned. Part of me wants to tear up the portrait of Teenage NK and sack T. I often get an urge to rip up artwork I am pleased with when I am in an EF. So far I have not actually done so and it would be a tragedy if I ripped up the portrait. I don't think I will but the urge is strong.

[sanmagic7]

oh dear, NK, i am so sorry about the cancellation.  sometimes i don't think even we know the full extent of how much we rely on the regularity of those appts.  i feel for you.  you've made so much progress with teen NK, and the portrait sounds precious.  i hope you don't tear it up - i know it's a beautiful tribute to you, who you were and who you are.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry that the cancellation has been so bad, NK.  I think it's perfectly reasonable to have react that way though.  The way you talk about the painting and at least some part of you really wanting to show that off, I'm right there with you in the disappointment.  It sounds like it's a really important piece of art, and has a great connection with multiple parts of you.

I'm with SM, and hope you don't tear it up.  That would be a tragedy.   

[NarcKiddo]

I haven't torn it up and I feel calmer today. I don't think it is because I am actually calmer, but because we have a nice family visit coming up and I don't want to ruin it by being horrendously and obviously on edge. So poor old Teen NK has been doing her usual job of dissociating me enough to function.

Yesterday was absolutely horrible. I was getting triggered by any loud sound. Not just mentally triggered but actually flinging my hands up to cover my ears in a panic response. And then I went out into the garden to discover that something (probably a magpie) has ruined the woodpigeon's nest that was in our small tree. There are twigs all around the base of the tree and there is nothing where the nest once was. Normally I would be a bit sad about this sort of thing, but yesterday it felt like the end of the world.

I'm now mulling over whether I should even tell T about this reaction. I mean, it's not her fault she was unwell.

[zen_racer]

NK, I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I think it's my turn for this. It would probably be good to tell your T. Maybe more of how the situation happened, but at least let her know. Maybe you two can come up with a plan in case it happens again. Like maybe a quick telehealth check in or something else. Your feelings were/are completely valid, and not an attack against your T. It might also be a way of showing up for and giving care to Teenage NK. But just a suggestion.

 

[sanmagic7]

  i agree.  i think it's a good idea to tell your T.  it's more information, and the two of you may be able to discover the root of this and possibly resolve it?  or make it manageable enough that you won't have to go thru such a hard time if/when it happens again.  and, to me, it sounds like the breaking of the nest and your reaction to that may have some connection, so it might be a good thing to mention that as well.  just some thoughts.  i'm very sorry for what you went thru.  love and hugs

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
Here's my thoughts from way over here to you over thata way on this amazing planet.

A lot has been stirred up for you these days. Perhaps approaching overwhelm. And the need for quiet and care is completely understandable. Truly, the need for whatever you need is completely understandable.

Are you able to check in and see what small thing right now would be supportive?

A nice deep breath? Hold a cup of tea with both hands? Smell a favorite essential oil? Fold a towel? Touch a rock or tree?
____ ?

I hope you can offer yourself a kindness. In this moment and the next. You deserve it 100%.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi NK,

You are definitely not alone in getting triggered and feeling abandoned when a therapy session is cancelled. I have been there. In my case, my T's child was ill.

Logically, I knew it wasn't her fault, which almost made it worse. My old abandonment wiring got triggered and I felt awful, while my rational mind made me feel guilty for "only thinking about myself" and ashamed for "overreacting."

But the truth is that our nervous systems were injured by trauma; by things we could not control and that were never our fault. The neural circuitries that adapted so brilliantly to help us survive environments we were never supposed to have to endure are still firing today. Even if our reactions seem disproportionate to the present-day event, they make sense in the context of our history.

What I'm trying to learn is to have compassion for myself, because we deserve it. And if anybody understands this, it's this community - and your T. So I'm with the others: I think your T would not only understand, but appreciate you talking openly about this in session. It should be one of the safest places to do exactly that.

Those experiences of being understood and accepted are, little by little, how our nervous systems learn that we are no longer in the danger we once were.

Sending support and hugs.