Living As All of Me

[TheBigBlue]

 

 

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, ZenRacer, Sanmagic7, Ran, Marcine, TheBigBlue, thank you all for reading and commenting.

Celebrate HannahOne,come on!  Ceeeelebraaaation!!

I just had the PT come to my house. He's a man I've been working with for fifteen years. It was not scary. AND I'm going to keep making progress. I'm discharged from PT so I need some accountability, structure and most of all guidance on what to do. I'm easily injured because of my condition. I'm so happy. I am cutting some other expenses to pay for it. I'm going to meet with him every other week and see how strong I can get. I was worried I would just go back to bed once PT ended but now I've ensured I won't. And I have very good mat and stability exercises to do at home. I only have to go to the gym two days a week now because I can do these functional things at home. I guess I never thought I'd be able to afford such a thing, or have a man in my house and not be afraid, or even do exercises LOL. Take care of myself. Have the time. Never thought I'd be a human among humans doing human things humanly. I am a human being just like all the other human beings.

Lately I've been more and more disturbed about how human beings are being treated. And more and more wanting to give money or time or energy to help. Not sure yet how to do that.

The house is empty and clean. The dog is on her back on the couch, beak hanging off the cushion, all four feet in the air. It's a bright sunny day. I feel at peace. I'm savoring this feeling while it's here. All quiet inside. I'm in sync with time. I'm in this place here and now. I'm in the flow of events and happenings and all creatures great and small carrying on their lives unknowing of me, me unknowing of them. I'm middle aged. I made it here with All of Me. All looking around, taking it in. It was once just a dream, to get here and now. Now it's real. Being in sync with time is an awesome feeling.

With my last therapist I was just beginning to love who I was with her. In the room. When we ended I was unsure if or how I would be able to take it out of the room. How to love myself without her. I've been gently lightly experimenting with it. Can I look at myself with a caring gaze, and be curious about what it's like to be seen by caring eyes? A little unconditional positive regard? Can I respect myself? Can I assume good intent of myself? Can I be curious about my struggles and not panic or judge immediately? Can I assume basic worth?

Maybe. A little. Here and there. More and more.

[zen_racer]

I will respond more when I'm not at work, but     


Sounds like all great things!
 

[sanmagic7]

        you deserve every bit of celebration, hannah1.  it all sounds wonderful!  and all those things you questioned at the end will, i believe, come to be.  that mirror will be showing the face of someone you can admire, be proud of, and enjoy.  yay!  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Whoop, whoop, HannahOne! Yay for a good PT who comes to the house. I wouldn't be without mine. Well done for making sure your PT can continue.     

[HannahOne]

ZenRacer, SanMagic7, NarcKiddo, thank you. San, thank you for the image of the mirror. You have a way of collecting the image from my words and reflecting it back and I treasure that. The images carry me for a bit. I collect them. The dream sweeping broom, the blanket, the mirror.

I would like to learn to do that for others.

I'm off to camp. I'm feeling nervous. I don't want to go. LOL. I want to stay home with my dog. I love to travel but never want to go when it's time. I'm afraid of the crowd, people won't like me, I'll feel awkward, I'll be jumpy from slamming doors, I'll be hot/cold/uncomfrotable/hungry/tired. That's an EF for sure, growing up was always hot/cold as we didn't use heat and had no AC, was always hungry, always tired from interrupted sleep. The rest is probably an EF too, growing up I felt like an alien everywhere I went, but that' because of the trauma and secrets I was carrying. I don't carry my stuff that way anymore. I have it organized into internal file folders and museums. So All of Me can go into the world as Me. Who I really am. The one it all happened to and the one who's here now. Come on, HannahOne. Get up, get dressed, finish packing. Starting with breakfast for the hungry ones. And I'm bringing blankets and a fan. And I know how to socialize and make friends. I've got this. I can do it. Any part of me who's scared can lean back and watch.

I know what I'm doing. Not every moment will be perfect, but this is good for me to do and I have a purpose for being there, I want to learn more about the surgery, meet people who've done it, and get support. Parts of me don't want to go because it's coming out... it makes the surgery real.

Ah. Ok. I get it. And, it's important to come out and not carry this alone like I carried the trauma. The best thing I've done in a decade was join this forum. Come out. So this camp will also be good. It's not good to hide the truth, not good to pretend. I get that I dont' want my kids to know right now and I get that I don't want people in my small town to know. But I also have only told one friend. I told the forum and OOTS friends. But overall IRL, no one knows and I'm living like it's not real. That has to change. It's scary to take delivery of reality. And, I can do it. Reality bites but it also purrs and I will meet it with All of Me. Reality is tough sometimes, but I'm tough too. And I have what I need, money, time, insurance. I'm not a helpless child without a quarter who can't even use the phonebook or get to a payphone. I have the Internet!

I'm an adult and I can do this. and I will. and I bet I'll have fun. I'm going to look for moments to have fun. To let go. to be in the moment. I'm signed up for dance classes galore, kayaking, an open mic reading for poetry and there's a campfire... I have my rave outfit! for the rave party at the end. I'm probably gonna go topless LOL. I'm going to party like it's 1999. I'm going to be a girl just wanting to have fun. I'm going to jump jump jump, LOL. I'm going to live while I'm alive. Nothing else matters.

[NarcKiddo]

Have a wonderful time! 

[zen_racer]

Indeed.  Have a great time!  I went to camp a lot as a boyscout.  The heat/cold does happen, along with insects and such.  But from camp, it was always the good memories that stuck.

[sanmagic7]

same from me, hannah1.  enjoy enjoy all that you can.  it sounds like it will be wonderful for you in spite of hot/cold, insects, chores.  i've been to camps of differing kinds, they all had their pluses and minuses, but the plus sides won out.  and i'll join in the party here love and hugs

[HannahOne]

Thank you all!!!     

TW TW TW HEALTH ISSUES, CANCER

I LOVED CAMP.

What I want to remember is that I. Am. Not. Alone.

I am worthy of care and I have value as a human being.

I deserve love and support. I love to give love and support.

At the opening campfire, two out of three speakers shared a history of abuse and how that intersected with their cancer journey. I was stunned. Then I realized of course, 1 out 8 women get this cancer and 1 out of 4 women hav been abused. So yeah. Not that surprising. I'm always surprised. I still live in a space of "I'm the only one" "there's something horribly wrong with me" "I have to hide this difference."

I realize so many of my "issues" with treatment and surgery are about my past. Obviously, duh... but it's much more clear to me now, in sharp relief .I can see it. And that makes a difference. So many of these feelings, paralysis, fear are about the PAST. Not about me now. I am full of self doubt, I don't trust myself to make the decisions. It just comes down to that. And how I will hate myself no matter what I choose. Whatever negative feeling I have about whatever choice I make, I will blame myself, hate myself.

That's what is now allowed to shift. I no longer need to blame myself and hate myself for the inevitable disappointments, frustrations or suffering that comes with these kinds of choices. I now am ready to make choices, and accept the consequences both the consequences I want and those I don't want. Health care is so personalized now, the doctors won't tell me what to do given all my other physical problems to balance, I have to choose my option. I have to decide.

It was wonderful to be surrounded by women, to not have to be in a role of caregiver/wife/mother, to just be me. It was wonderful to have meals provided, to just follow what I wanted to do. There were great panels, classes, activities but my ultimate favorite was the Y2K dance party in a pool, lol, and Latin dance class. I need MORE movement. More more more more. More dance. It made me feel alive. It made me want to be alive. To feel the sun on my face.

It's easy for me to live in this death zone of survival, to feel like I'm a rat in a maze surviving with a cat hot on my tail. To get tunnel vision. To feel like the walls are closing in and I'm doomed and I can't outrun it.

and there's another way to live. Arms thrown back, head thrown back, face to the sun. Hands in the air like you just don't care, LOL. Dropping it like it's hot. There's so many ways to move through life. I want more of this energy.

It was so delicious to feel accepted and surrounded by other women.

There was a rave party at the end. I got my hair into space buns and put glitter and gems on my face in the form of a mask around my eyes. My outfit was fab. I texted a selfie to my kid and kid didn't realize it was me, LOL. It was me. That me is part of All of Me. It's easy for me to get locked into mom mode. Survival mode. Middle aged mode. Plodding through tasks mode. Or some kind of rigid internal puritanical mode of staying inside some kind of lines. And there are so many other ways to be. Joyful ways. Keeping it real ways. Cursing because it's so appropriate to the moment ways. Telling it like it is ways. Making art that doesn't "make sense" ways. Doing my hair because I want to ways, wearing what I want to. My clothes journey of months past was to do with all of this: self-expression, taking ownership of my body, appearance, how I move through the world. Not because I have to look a certain way to be ok or for others, but because all of that is MINE. And I want to own it. Because self expression matters, what I want matters, I matter.

I gave and received so many hugs. I don't know if I've ever in my life received and given so many hugs. My back feels different. Not like a hard turtle shell. I guess the difference is I can feel my back. I feel between my shoulder blades a lightness, a flow.

So much of the talk was about setting boundaries. Like: Just no. LOL. No. Nope. Uh-uh. I realize I need to do more of that, and also, do a lot less follow up! Like, Just say no, and walk away. Sometimes I try to justify, or help... No. Other people need to be able to function to their capacity, because I'm a people too and it's not my job to function for them, despite my upbringing telling me otherwise. My space, time, body, thoughts, feelings, are my own. I decide.

I don't have to wait for other people to change... or grow up, LOL.... I can decide to change how I move through the world. And let more chips fall. Part of me will panic, will think that's not safe. I'm going to work with that part.

And I'm going to do more dance. Make more art. And find more community with people who are willing and able to be real, to be vulnerable, whatever their reason is, abuse, cancer, other losses. I'm going to think more about where to find these kinds of people near me.

Almost home and back to "normal life..." Wanting to hold on to some part of this me. Documenting it here helps, the photo selfie helps.

[zen_racer]

HannahOne, I'm so glad that the camp was so good for you!

You ARE worthy of care!  You DO have value as a human being! 

I relate to a lot of what you wrote, but this part jumped out at me:

"I don't have to wait for other people to change... or grow up, LOL.... I can decide to change how I move through the world. And let more chips fall. Part of me will panic, will think that's not safe. I'm going to work with that part."

I agree, you don't have to wait for other people to change.  You're not alone in that.

I find your openness to finding community with more people inspiring.

 

[SenseOrgan]

Good to see you! Bedtime here. But not before I've expressed that I absolutely love that you're shining! Go YOU! Go HannahOne! Live as if your life depends on it!         

[Marcine]

Hahaha a selfie that your kiddo didn't recognize as you— gemmed up, glammed out, heart free with space bun hair! Fantastic!

I'm very happy you felt the camaraderie! Did you get some great flattie hugs?

[TheBigBlue]

Hannah, you go! 💛

I loved reading about the dancing, the hugs, the glitter, and especially this realization: "I can decide to change how I move through the world." It sounds like you came home with something precious: a reminder that you're more than survival mode, and it was wonderful to see that part of you shining. ✨😊