Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Chart]

I don't want to be almost okay all the time, pretend I'm okay and keep pushing through anymore. I'm not okay.

Hey DF, I hear you. I feel exactly the same. I keep reflecting in my mind about "constant pain". I compare myself to others and wonder if they experience "constant pain" like I do. My conclusion is, no. Aside from people here on the Forum, people who know they suffer from Cptsd, no... there is an absence of that deep deep understanding. For me it goes deep. But I don't want to be a "martyr" either! I hate that idea. Honestly, I'm not sure what I want, excepting the idea you wrote too:

I want this to go away.

I feel like that's the little child in me... please please please just make this go away... We all know, there are days when this feeling pushes us to our absolute maximum. Truly, the triggered worst of the worst... a place I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy...
And then you wrote this:

I know I can feel better.

Thank you DF, that said it (for me). No platitudes, no fancy metaphor... just fact. That sentence evolves beyond the idea of acceptance (which I personally believe in, but that's just me, and it doesn't mean giving in or giving up...) Your sentence is agency. "Determination" is too strong a word for me, because I'm more often than not a blob of miserable inability... but nonetheless, I know you are right, because I have and continue to experience just that... I feel WAAAAY better than I did two years ago. And it's SOOO important that I remember, remind, reinforce it in my head. Cause the contrast is just so powerful still... And now I'm rambling in your journal :-)
I've just thought of Carolyn Spring and how she phrases it, "I'm not exactly where I want to be... yet."
Thanks DF, sending love...

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Chart, for rambling in my journal, which is actually validation. It's helping me feel better.

I was just thinking, apart from this forum, do I know anyone IRL who can really understand how this feels, and the answer is no. So that is what this forum is to me, validation.

 

[Chart]

DF, I get exactly that too. Validation through identification that others feel similarly and that I am not alone is so beneficial. Just that has been a HUGE game-changer in my life (to put it mildly). I want to continue. I'm currently building up the energy and working through ideas as to how to start a support group in my local area. I'm not ready yet, but it has been in my mind for a long time now and I'm confident I'll do it when I feel internally ready. It is my personal belief that Cptsd (or Developmental Trauma) is THE reason for all the strife, conflict and misery in the human condition across our little planet. I see no single other thing capable of explaining the horror and behavior of "many many" humans, especially ones in positions of wealth and power, those most capable of having wide-reaching negative impact on others. For me, Cptsd is not an excuse, it's a fact. And as a collective, we need to start making it known. I believe awareness (consciousness) is our only hope as a species to continue evolving positively. I shudder at the alternative.

(DO NOT give me permission to rant in your journal... I cannot control myself on that one!!!

Thanks DF. Staying hopeful, staying sane, staying together...
 

[sanmagic7]

hey, DF, first i want to say how well i think you're coping, what with having a job, kids, outside activities, therapy, driving to meetings - so much stuff i would not be able to cope with at all, yet you're doing it!  maybe you don't see it cuz of EF's, anxiety, how you feel, or cuz you don't do it 'as well' as others, so to speak, but thru all that i see you running a household and so much more!  i'm impressed, and give you full credit for doing so much in spite of whatever else you go thru.  i hope you can eventually give yourself some credit as well.

good for you for talking to your B, even if he doesn't want to pursue it.  as long as you felt good about it, and he didn't take offense, i see it as a win.

good for you for calling in sick.  i agree - tired of feeling almost ok for too many years.  sometimes i get a couple hours of feeling better, but it normally doesn't stick. 

i also agree about getting validation from folks here.  there is no one i know irl (except my D) who can understand, try as they might.  luckily, i have some very supportive people, and that's extremely helpful, too.

i see you making some steps forward.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Hey Chart, keep on ranting, it really is fine! 

It would be great if you could start the support group.  I think it would be very helpful for many. 

I thought about what you wrote about acceptance. I think I might start another thread on that if I can.

Hey San,
I do hear what you're saying. My inner child really needs that confirmation too. I am doing a lot. So thank you.

Still not feeling well. I had to do my tax adminstration and that surely does not help the stress levels.

[Desert Flower]

I briefly considered giving up (yesterday too). That scares me.
I couldn't possibly of course. "I've got so much going for me.", as they say.
I just want this to stop. I just feel so stupid for not making myself feel better. I'm just so fed up with me having to do all the work to feel better. It's so unfair.
I will now do some shopping for my girl to get out of the house and have some different input for my mind.

[sanmagic7]

it is indeed unfair, DF.  no truer words ever said.  we've been left w/ all the clutter and damage to manage amid working at having a life at the same time.  i can totally relate to wanting it to stop.  *sigh*.  i'm glad you didn't give up - i'm glad you're here.  one day at a time, right?  or one hour, one minute sometimes.  we're surrounding you with support and care.  love and hugs 

[Desert Flower]

Right. I'm here. Holding on.
Feeling detached now. Fair enough.
I won't give up. I won't give up. Not giving up.
Scared though.

[Desert Flower]

I feel cleared up. Yes, I wanna live, definitely. Do not want to go to that dark edge that I know is there, no I don't.
I'll stay here. I'll do the hard work if I must. And be(come) happy. Yes.

What a day.

 

[Chart]

    
Thinking of you DF. Sending love and support.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm very happy that you feel cleared up and want to stay. 

[sanmagic7]

    good to see you!  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17025.0
Just putting this link here so I will be able to find it again. So all of this turned out to be a lot truer than I thought.

And I've been thinking, this retreat that I did a month ago, was this in fact a good idea or not? Was that helpful in hindsight? I felt so completely different then, so completely centered. And then following that week, I went downhill (so to speak, I know it's a healing journey too) so fast.

And this is what I've come up with. (Also building on what SO and Chart said.) I think I truly was completely centered that week and I had experienced what Schwartz calls the 'Self'. And this Self had truly felt that (feeling guilty for not missing) M was no longer necessary. That I truly am okay the way I am. And maybe that gave the seperated Parts the confidence to come out the way they did. They had been waiting for me to be ready (enough). Maybe they sensed I could now (sort of) handle it.

[SenseOrgan]

The retreat went very deep, it seems! I hope it's not inappropriate, but I'm happy for you. I think the kind of healing we're facing is more on the level of expanding our sense of self so that it includes even the most challenging emotions. And we're phasing out the need to stay "safe" in ways that control us. To a great degree it's about letting go of what provides a sense of safety in relation to what we refer to as trauma. It seems to me you've made major progress. I really hope you have taken or will take the time to appreciate this. It's not a small thing to have felt that you truly are okay the way you are. And to let go of guilt around not missing your mother. It can shake a traumatized person to her core, and start old truths, perceived stability, and the entire identity structure to shift. There is such a thing as too much or too soon. It may or may not have been the case with the trigger you got with your daughter being the same age, but I think profound shifts practically have to come with some sort of disruption. When this happens, it really feels like the rug is being pulled from under you. It kind of is. So again, I think it's wise you reached out.

There's an innate movement towards healing/integration in most of us, I believe. So it makes sense to me that tapping into the ground of being/Self, invites parts to make themselves known more. Because the ground of being doesn't fight with what's actual. It is a "yes" to whatever is. It's safe. Cultivating staying power slowly moves into this direction naturally. Because all parts and feelings just want to be acknowledged and welcomed as part of you, and they feel welcome to the degree you can stay with the difficult things they've been working so hard to keep out of awareness. In my mind parts work is a way of describing resistance and paths to dissolve the many ways we create suffering out of pain. Perhaps the fruit has been ripening for a while, and a fruit found it's way home.

 

[Desert Flower]

SO, I could not have put that into words any better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.