Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[HannahOne]

This tickles my brain, SenseOrgan. This, that... is only this. As when repeating the word "fork", "forkforkforkforkfork," the language making machine of my mind ended up much....quieter. I can't think my way out of this paper bag, LOL... This is it. I am going to listen again. Thank you!

[SenseOrgan]

TW/spirituality, I think it can be labeled as

HannahOne
It was a bit of a gamble on my part posting this here. This subject is dear to my heart, yet I feel I can't really speak about it here. It doesn't need to happen all the time, but none of the time feels like I'm hiding again. Which I don't want to do, even tho I'm aware this kind of content can be heard in different ways, of which some can be extremely offensive to a survivor. A TW would have been appropriate. I apologize if anyone is offended.

On the forum we talk about getting somewhere, and this, this, has nothing to do with that. Which doesn't make any sense to a person who suffers and wants it to stop. It also didn't for me. Well, it still doesn't. This is about what's prior to sense-making. It's front and center to the greatest transformation in my life that I wasn't looking for. And that too is a story. It's not actual.

What Leela Muse so eloquently verbalizes here is close to what happened to me. I had exhausted all my options, and what I had called my last attempt at life turned out to be a trigger of epic proportions. I had done everything in my power to force life into the mold I had in mind for it. A mold. A livable one. Anyone. Even a little would have been nice. But no. That didn't happen. It was as brutal as all of us here know life can be. And nothing I tried, believe me I tried, fundamentally changed that. Life didn't budge. It refused to change. Instead, life changed me. I always struggle greatly to capture it into words, but what I've often used is the vaporizing of carrots on a stick to run after. That game stopped to a very large degree. Not entirely, but close. Everything changed, and nothing changed. Life happens the way it does with or without my permission. There's only ever this dish that's served. Not another one. This one. The only one. Peace that passes understanding. Amor fati. It clicked. Not in theory. It did actually land deep down.

I've listened to thousands of hours of this kind of content over the years. Leela Muse has one of the clearest and most eloquent voices out there imho. I listened to this particular one when I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep anymore. She and her colleagues live as mp3 files on my tiny player, and I thought I might as well have a bit of a listen while properly awake. I burst into tears hearing her words. Almost all of it I recognize from my own experience. Her Southern accent is the cherry on top. Beautiful and profound poetry to my mind. I thought I'd share. So I'm happy it tickled your brain. The entire thing can be heard as a koan, I think. Mu would work too.

[sanmagic7]

SO, i appreciate your sharing of this, even tho these kinds of things don't usually sit well with me.  i did listen to as much as i could, but honestly, at one point i skipped ahead, and finally just stopped.  i'm very glad for you that you find so much that resonates with you from her, but my mind just doesn't get it.  i wish it did, cuz i'd love to share with you what you've found to be so positive for yourself. 

i thought and re-thought about writing this - i didn't want to be a downer about something you enjoy so much, and i guess i could've just sent a    to you instead of writing all this.  i wanted you to know, tho, that i did give it a shot, and i wanted to be moved by it.  i really did.  strange, as always to me, how something can be so uplifting and reaffirming to one person, and have the opposite effect on another.  i've had the same thing happen w/ things like tai chi, qi gong, singing bowls, etc. instead of being soothing or relaxing, they distress me. i don't get it. 

and, above all i hope you aren't offended by my writing this.  if so, i can remove it if you'd like.  but thank you again for taking the time and energy to post it.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

SO, thank you for sharing. I think it's important to share. This is a place to bring All of You. And, some of us can resonate with it some of the time, what's most personal or unique can be most universal. And some won't resonate and that's ok too.

I relate to trying for years to find a livable Me. And when I could no longer change life, life changed me.

I can relate to the carrot evaporating.

There's only me, that always was.

And now what?

It is a kind of koan.

I lived in the South when I first left home. Check out this song, see if you like. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZpHDynx1Qg

[Marcine]

What Leela Muse so eloquently verbalizes here is close to what happened to me. I had exhausted all my options, and what I had called my last attempt at life turned out to be a trigger of epic proportions. I had done everything in my power to force life into the mold I had in mind for it. A mold. A livable one. Anyone. Even a little would have been nice. But no. That didn't happen. It was as brutal as all of us here know life can be. And nothing I tried, believe me I tried, fundamentally changed that. Life didn't budge. It refused to change. Instead, life changed me. I always struggle greatly to capture it into words, but what I've often used is the vaporizing of carrots on a stick to run after. That game stopped to a very large degree. Not entirely, but close. Everything changed, and nothing changed. Life happens the way it does with or without my permission. There's only ever this dish that's served. Not another one. This one. The only one. Peace that passes understanding. Amor fati. It clicked. Not in theory. It did actually land deep down.

SO,
I say yay to your choice of non- hiding and standing tall in your beliefs. I am glad you shared the Leela Muse clip since it is important to you.

In my opinion, your words that I quoted above are way more eloquent and powerful than the flavor/ delivery in the YouTube clip.

(My reaction to her monologue is due to my deep-seated personal aversion to the slightest, imagined or real, whiff of indoctrination, hypnosis and general mind-numbing follower brainwashing. Not saying she's about that, but that's what I got from a couple runs at listening.)

The notion of effortless being, the unity of consciousness, the forsaking of seeking, directly experiencing life in the very real here-now, open to more and more vast possibilities, laughing at the beautiful perfect absurdity...

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you all for responding. I need to park this topic for now, sorry.

My mother just texted me. No contact since September. Her brother is going to pass away. She just said goodbye to him. I appreciate that she informed me. I kept my reply very short: "Thank you for informing. Good luck. Folded hands emoji."

A difficult situation is approaching. There will be a funeral. Even though I rarely ever saw my uncle, I feel like I need to attend. My mother is obviously going to be there. My sisters may be there too. I haven't spoken to my oldest sister in twelve years, and went NC again with my youngest sister two years ago. My sisters are also not on speaking terms. Even if none of them shows up, my mother will. I don't want her attempting to ignore my boundaries because she'll be highly emotional. Enough of that.

A very good friend of mine is married to my mother's sister. He isn't on speaking terms with most of his wife's siblings. A lot happened in that family. But I think he'll be there too. It would have my preference to hang out with them at the funeral. I'm on good terms with his wife too. What a mess.