Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[HannahOne]

If my M or B called me.... that would be a trigger. It is totally understandable that those calls/texts derailed what you wanted for yourself. And you can set boundaries now that work for you, whether that be silencing the phone, blocking those numbers and unblocking them once every 24 hours to check in on your terms (or once a year, LOL, or never)....

[zen_racer]

Yep. A few years ago that was my situation too. I live in a safe house with a safe husband and I had no idea at all. Until you've felt it it's impossible to imagine so don't beat yourself up about that. It's also kind of hard to work towards something you have no idea about, but working on how you feel and calming your emotional reactions and supporting yourself through triggers and interacting with safe people will get you there.

Thank you, especially for this part.  I wasn't necessarily feeling bad about not knowing, but it is certainly helpful that I'm not alone or spectacularly deficient in that.  I am mostly in a safe house, I live alone in a house too big that feels empty, but in the middle of 8 acres of woods.  Aside from wildlife, it's pretty serene usually.  And honestly, the only safe person I have in my life is my ex-wife. We've been texting a fair bit since last night.

I appreciate that you're pointing out to speak up if I want space, and I'll keep that in mind, but so far the input I've gotten here has been incredibly helpful.  Even the few times (not specifically you) when I think my situation has been a little different, it still gives me perspective and shows me that everyone here does care.  I think that's something I've needed more than I knew.

[dollyvee]

I wish I could say that my attempt at starting the day off on the right foot had any kind of positive or lasting effect, or that my moment of clarity helped me find some kind of truths that made the day easier.  It did not.

This happens ZR. Sometimes you go forward and sometimes back, but at least now there's a realization that you can move forward and it doesn't always have to be the same.

Physical safety is also something that I have had to struggle with for a long time as is the feeling of being "encroached" on and overpowered. To me, this has to do with having to remove my sense of self, the self that had boundaries, from a young age. So, I wasn't allowed to say no etc or to protect myself. This feeling has also carried into adulthood. I get the feeling of taking back one's power that NK mentioned by saying no to her mother. However, for me, coming from a family of four narcissists, there were different tactics used. My m would over power me through aggression/violence. So, as an adult I very clearly had to say, the last time we spoke, that if she hit me, I was going to call the cops. However, the subtle guilt of my gm was a lot harder to navigate, and like you said, if I asserted my boundaries it would be twisted into why are you getting upset with me, and she would be the victim? When you are trained to take care of her because of all the awful things that have "happened" to her, it is difficult to say no and not feel like you're a horrible person. So, I get just not wanting to say anything.

Hope you find some space to process this,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

and shows me that everyone here does care.  I think that's something I've needed more than I knew.

this is something that i'm in transition about, even tho i've been w/ this forum for over 10 yrs.  knowing i needed the caring from other people, then accepting it have been 2 different things for me.  these realizations have been huge, can make an incredible difference in our lives.  i'm glad you're having some of your own.  encouraging you to keep going - the progress you're making is wonderful.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

TW - listing horrible things my brain is saying to me to try to make me give up.

I am feeling absolutely horrible today.  I'm going to try to consolidate the stuff going into this just so it's captured in my journal here.  Something in one of my posts really triggered me.  It seemed like someone was getting singled out and being treated a little unfairly.  I'm not going deeper than that, and frankly, it doesn't matter if I'm right or not.  That's how it seemed, and that's what triggered me.  I contemplated deleting the topic to stop it, but everyone here has been so nice and supportive that I said something about being triggered by it.  There were no negative reactions to that, and just like it had seemed to me, people were supportive that I did say something, that I did stand up for myself being triggered.  That's when my own brain went into hyperdrive attacking me for it.

"You shouldn't have said anything, everyone is going to think you're stupid."
"Everyone is annoyed by you."
"Who cares if you're triggered, look at what you caused."
"You can't just join a forum and then complain about how people act."
"Everyone wishes you'd leave."
"Why do you think you even deserve to be here?"

That's just a small sample of what's been racing through my head.  What makes this worse to me is that I knew I'd have some kind of reaction to it.  I only mentally braced for a potential negative reaction from people here.  I know that I would not have said anything if what triggered me had been directed at me.  I'm not worth putting up with this for.  But now I find it worrisome that my own reaction was this bad, that I still potentially have the strength to stand up to it, and that I'm only willing to do so when I'm trying to stop someone else from having a negative experience.

I think it is only through the kindness and compassion from people here that I'm barely withstanding this storm that is 100% created by my own brain.  With how violently my own brain has been attacking me for this, I'm not sure I ever really want to understand what it took so long ago to make me do this to myself.

A member here pointed out to me that they recognized the behavior caused by having to be the peacekeeper in the family, and they were right.  They also pointed out the way I tried to take responsibility for everything that I should look into scapegoating in a family.  That was also right on.  I kind of wish I knew what concept made me attack myself for doing anything about it.

I wanted to say more, but typing up the list of what my brain was saying, and the rather intense crying while doing so has taken it out of me, and I think I'm dissociating.

[zen_racer]

Okay, I took a break to eat dinner, I ... almost forgot that I wanted to take my medicine so I wouldn't forget later, but that's done.  I think I'm feeling better for having typed in what I already did.

I have my first official session with the therapist tomorrow.  I wish it would somehow turn into having been going to therapy for months.  It's been brutal remembering and reliving the small parts of my past that I have already, and it already seems like I have mountains of things to try to fix or repair. 

Anyway, moving on.  When I first started learning about cptsd, I was not in a good state.  And once I started remembering more about the past and finally started seeing patterns, it was easy for me to start feeling as bad as I should for remembering things like that.  But it would only last 1-2 seconds.  I can only assume fighting the numbness to get to where I can feel it is a daunting task for those pesky emotions, and then it's so overwhelming that my brain trips the breaker and shuts off the emotions again.  Now, that's starting to last a little longer.  5-10 seconds maybe.  I can't say that it feels any better, at all.  But it still seems like it's probably progress.  I've been trying to picture a younger me that needs help, and I can get past my immediate urge to punch him, but as soon as I start seeing a glimmer of the amount of help the younger me needs, it overwhelms the current me, and then boom.  He's gone.  Just like my emotions again.  This morning, in 15 minutes before leaving for work, it felt like I might be able to make more progress, and I realized that might be a really bad idea before heading to work and I stopped trying.  This is exhausting, overwhelming myself while my brain attacks me before heading to work is not the most relaxing day.

Okay, I'm stopping this so I can respond to other people in here and maybe just rest for a little bit.

[zen_racer]

HannahOne, thank you for that.  I have blocked my B's number for a while before.  If I do again, I won't be checking every 24 hours.  I'm not even sure I'd want to check once a week.  But I appreciate the sentiment that I get to choose.

dolly, I relate more than I wish I did at not being allowed to say no, or to defend myself.  That might be obvious by this point.  I'm also all too familiar with my M attacking me, and if I simply tried to tell her how she treated me, then I was such a horrible person for saying such mean things, and she was the victim.  Whenever I do stand up to her, it never feels like a win or like taking my power back.  It always just feels like something sucked out all the energy I had and leaves me wishing there just hadn't been any contact or communication.  Maybe I can process it with my T sometime soon.  Thank you for sharing that with me.

sanmagic, knowing we need caring from other people and accepting it are definitely two separate things.  I'm not really sure I'm accepting it for real yet, but everyone here makes me want to be able to.  I appreciate the encouragement and hugs.   

[Marcine]

Just reaching out to say hi, zen racer. And that I hope you can catch your breath in the midst of these stormy times. I tell my kids (and remind myself) that there's always time, no matter what, for one nice deep breath.

[zen_racer]

Just reaching out to say hi, zen racer. And that I hope you can catch your breath in the midst of these stormy times. I tell my kids (and remind myself) that there's always time, no matter what, for one nice deep breath.

Thank you Marcine.  I do feel a lot better after writing that down.  I wish I was getting rest now by sleeping, but that's done with for tonight, it seems.  I can at least use the time until my alarm goes off to get some nice deep breaths in.

[sanmagic7]

Whenever I do stand up to her, it never feels like a win or like taking my power back.  It always just feels like something sucked out all the energy I had and leaves me wishing there just hadn't been any contact or communication.

i can totally relate to this, ZR.  too many people like this in my life, never felt like a win or that i got my power back.  always drained of power instead of being empowered by it.  it's the way of their world, i think.  they are so good at manipulating, turning the tables on us, we come away wishing we'd never been there.

this is not your fault.  it's not a thing like - if i only knew how to say what i want to say, if i only had the right words, if i only approached it differently, ad nauseum if only's.  they have manipulated us into playing their game, so they know all the rules, and they change the rules all the time.  i do believe that's at least part of why people go NC w/ someone like that.  i know it's a big reason why i have done so, including my own oldest daughter (D1).  there is never a 'win' with her, and i'm the one who feels awful after an exchange.

as far as your list of brain memos, i don't think it's unusual for many of us to have some sort of neg. reaction after we do something pos. for ourselves.  happens to me a lot, even tho i've been dealing with this for over a decade.  you're new to this rodeo, so it may have a surprise element, too.  it does for me.  i keep thinking that i've gotten beyond this, when wham!  it's less than what it was, tho, and doesn't last as long.  you'll get there.  i think you're doing great.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I think you are doing so well with starting to process all these things and noting down your thoughts and reactions. I'm familiar with the feeling of doing something that feels like it is a really big step (saying 'no' to my M) and it not feeling like a win. The old neural pathways have taken a long time to form and it can take a lot of repetition or trying similar approaches until things land. There is often an element of waiting for the retribution that may or may not arrive. Unfortunately, in my experience, the bad reaction does usually come in the early stages even if it is not actual retribution. Once you start enforcing your boundaries consistently they get tested and it can be very hard to stand firm. However, abusers do not like being shown up, if only to you or to themselves, and once they realise you are not going to budge no matter what they do things get easier.

My T has pointed out to me that saying 'no' to someone should not in general circumstances feel like a win. A natural state of affairs is that we say 'no' and the other person at worst might be annoyed but there is no tantrum or major rupture over it. In our circumstances the child self knows that saying 'no' is a big deal and requires courage, planning, the stars to align, etc etc. The whole thing gets inflated in our mind and we plan it to the nth degree, like a military campaign. But if the 'no' works as it should, there is no 'win' to celebrate. There are the unpleasant thrashings of the abuser if that is the person one is saying 'no' to and that's it.

It is a challenge to learn how to channel your protective and caring instincts towards yourself. When your FOO has programmed you to act only in their interests and put yourself at the bottom of the pile it is understandable that you find it hard to see to your own needs. First of all you have to accept that you even have needs, accept that you have a right to have those needs, and find out what those needs are.

I'm glad you have another session with your T coming up. I hope he can help you work through how to help your younger self without the whole task feeling so awfully overwhelming. It does get easier, but I know it's easy for me to say that and harder for you to believe it, given the beginning stages of getting to grips with all of this are the suckiest suburbs of Sucksville. That's how I found it, anyway. You recognising that something seems like progress even if it doesn't feel like it is a good sign, I think. The emotional brain can take a long time to catch up with things the logical brain realises.

[zen_racer]

I'll respond more appropriately later this evening when I get home, but those were awesome responses to read during lunch. Thank you for supporting me like that.