the next step

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, I'm sorry about your knee! And the heat is horrific to tolerate sometimes, isn't it? I find it oppressive and it can induce panic to feel the air is too heavy to breathe or there's no way to be comfortable. It's a helpless feeling.

I hope the new T is helpful. It's such a challenge to find one.

You bring a lot of awareness to your experience and that helps you sort through and navigate. Feeling feels awful, and you're making space to feel what is there.   

[sanmagic7]

hope, it turned out good eventually, so thanks for the good wishes.

ZR, thank you.  the session went well, and i'm looking forward to working with her.

hannah1, yep, agree w/ you about the thick air.  luckily we've got a/c, so that humidity gets taken care of inside.  i believe the T will be good.  thank you.

it was a rocky afternoon yesterday around the whole T thing.  i was told the appt. was at 2, but then i got 2 emails telling me it was at 4.  it made me doubt myself, so i didn't sign in until 4, when i got a message saying i'd be billed $200 for the session i missed at 2.  i lost it.

luckily my D took over, called them talked to the guy who talked to me who told her my T already had an appt. at 4 and couldn't see me then.  and i became a yelling, pounding, screaming, cursing mess, cussing him out, crying harder than i can remember ever crying, pounding the bed upside, downside, next to me, just wailing to just let me die, i can't take this anymore - i had been so anxious about this all day and to have this happen felt like more than i could bear.  thank god for my D, who also yelled at the guy, swore at him, became my own mama bear, until he finally texted her a crisis line #, which i yelled at that i didn't want, and then he said he'd talk to the T about seeing me at 5.

all in all it got straightened out, everyone apologized profusely - it really was a scheduling mixup, but all i knew was that i'd gotten screwed around w/ again.   i apologized to my D, said this isn't what she signed on for, she's not sposed to be taking care of me, she kept saying we're a team. remember, and was crying with me, arms around me.  all the things i needed but never got in my life, except there she was and she gave it to me and i'm forever grateful.

so, i finally met w/ the T, and she's an older woman, and somehow very soothing and calming.  she wasn't aware of alexithymia, nor very much about c-ptsd, but she said she's well versed in emdr, didn't know the Flash technique so she's gonna research that.  the other thing i like is she told me she has an emdr mentor and meets w/ other emdr T's, and for my case, i think that's a good thing.  i told her about the seizure and the black mind, and how i need to process really small pieces.  but she put me at ease, and i think a team approach is going to be helpful.  i'm seeing her next tues. and looking forward to it.