Luma’s Recovery Journal

[Luma1123]

Quick updates:

- had the first EMDR appointment today, didn't get into any of the actual practice but she asked a lot about my past experiences and current perspectives. Sometimes I feel like my trauma is very "light", compared to some of the more harrowing experiences others have had. But as I was explaining the big two things, as well as the less-violent but still distressing third, it was really validating to see this lady I've only spoken with for today be like: "yes, absolutely, that is trauma".

- had a temporary resurgence of The Ick (a millennial/genZ term, I say with affection if anyone isn't familiar 😅 where someone does something relatively small but disproportionately irritating, and can make you feel like you have zero interest in them where before there was lots of interest) yesterday with regards to a guy I've been seeing. We've been moving snails-pace slow, but this time I was expecting the Ick to show up, and even though it's still making me uncomfortable, I think I've managed to get the bad vibes to a manageable level, and I feel good to really vent about this in talk therapy tomorrow.

- I've made my morning chai and had my hummus and chips so I guess it's time to start the day. Yay?

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad the EMDR lady was validating.

I'm interested to see you mention The Ick. I'm familiar with the term, and I have often seen it used when people treat it as a red flag, or a situation from which the relationship cannot recover. I've sometimes wondered about that because my husband can absolutely give me The Ick and has done many times during our decades-long marriage. For sure it is sometimes something that ought to be talked about but more often than not I find The Ick surfacing very easily when I am dysregulated, and possibly in or near an EF. So for me it is not necessarily a red flag about him but a warning sign for me.

[Luma1123]

I'm glad the EMDR lady was validating.

I'm interested to see you mention The Ick. I'm familiar with the term, and I have often seen it used when people treat it as a red flag, or a situation from which the relationship cannot recover. I've sometimes wondered about that because my husband can absolutely give me The Ick and has done many times during our decades-long marriage. For sure it is sometimes something that ought to be talked about but more often than not I find The Ick surfacing very easily when I am dysregulated, and possibly in or near an EF. So for me it is not necessarily a red flag about him but a warning sign for me.

NK, you phrased that SO well, and honestly I feel like that clarifies a lot. "More often than not I find The Ick surfacing very easily when I am dysregulated, and possibly in or near an EF." That makes so much sense to me, and makes me want to consider and revisit all the times I've felt the Ick with this guy, because I feel like that aligns really well with my experiences in retrospect.

Also, I did not realize that The Ick was such a widely known term 😂 My assessment of it is much the same as yours—it's assumed to be something irreparable for a relationship, when more often it's a small tic or habit thats not necessarily 100% related to the feelings that get evoked. I guess all us comparative young'uns (I'm over thirty! I swear!) think we speak our own language, whether we really do or not! Very funny, and thank you for sharing <3

[HannahOne]

Luma1123, I second what NK said, for me the ick is almost always related to an EF. I have found this really useful in understanding myself and my triggers. I'm so glad you have a therapist to help sort this out!

I'm glad your therapist understands that trauma is actually not "outside of normal human experience" and is very common, banal even, and doesn't have to be "horrific" as in a war, but can be "horrific" as in a needed caretaker not taking care, or actively harming.

[Luma1123]

Hi, all. It's been a hot second. There's been a lot going on, and I'm in the middle of an emotional flashback right now (or working through the aftermath of one, it's hard to tell). Just wanted to check in with some general updates somewhere.

Had my first EMDR proper therapy appointment last Weds. It was mostly onboarding stuff, she had me fill out various anxiety, depression, and ptsd questionnaires, and asked some follow up questions on what I filled out. We got into a safe space exercise with the bilateral tapping. It was really interesting, but also more emotionally intense than I was expecting. Its rare for me to actually feel calm and peaceful these days, and for a second I had it and it was kind of overwhelming. And these days (because, PTSD), overwhelming usually triggers my crying response, regardless of the associated emotion. Anyways. The only thing that happened that was frustrating was when the therapist said "Well, it looks like you're on the low end of PTSD." I dont know why I took that so personally, but i made some sort of general "yeah, but its still messing with my life", and she agreed "but you still have it." I know im not the worst case anyone's ever seen, but i really dont need her to point it out, it just goes right back into that shame feedback loop.

Was crazy busy yesterday going to the local renaissance fair with a group of folks, got super overwhelmed/exhausted by the end of the day. Brought my noise cancelling headphones, and had those on during the carpool home. Decided not to have any social appointments today, but ive still got a lot of anxiety and nausea from some interpersonal stuff earlier in the week. Managed to channel some of it into cleaning my living room and bathroom, which actually look decent now.

Speaking of earlier in the week, last week was so stressful at work, i was in tears Thursday and Friday. It was really hard. Planning on taking a "sick" day on Tuesday, i would do tomorrow if I could, but there was a report that needed to be submitted on Friday, we couldnt do it for stupid shenanigan reasons, and so it needs to be submitted first thing Monday instead. If I can get Tuesday off, I might get my early voting in, and also a car regular maintenance appointment.

Things have just been really hard over the last stretch of days, and Im looking forward to seeing my regular therapist on Tuesday, and the EMDR appointment on Thursday. Picked up "Freedom from Pain" by Peter Levine, to see if that could help me with any of my nausea, core soreness, or neck/shoulder tension. I liked the first few exercises, so im working those into my routine along with the EMDR happy place exercise (which i was instructed to practice at home). Also, i found a 20 minute exercise bike regimen, and since ive been waking up like 2 hours before the start of my workday for the last few days, figured i could try giving regular exercise another shot. To no one's surprise, its extremely boring, but i have an audiobook, and im working on finding scientific literature to tell me more about exercise being good for PTSD.

Life is a lot. Im really tired. Still dealing with the emotional flashback stuff. Once again, the only way out is through. Digital hugs and emotional support appreciated. Thanks, all <3

[NarcKiddo]

I dont know why I took that so personally

I would have taken that personally, too. I imagine the therapist was trying to be reassuring and tell you that you have a good chance of working successfully with it, but I totally understand why it did not land.

I'm sorry you're dealing with an EF and that things have generally been really hard. Although the EMDR onboarding might have seemed like routine administrative work, questionnaires can be really triggering. By their very nature they make you think about things according to their pattern rather than you being able to feel your way into a difficult topic. Maybe that contributed to the EF.

I hope you feel better soon and are able to get your day off work Tuesday.