Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

It's making me wonder if maybe when emotions start coming back, and I immediately think they are bad emotions ... maybe it's that being emotionally numb for so long makes any emotion feel overwhelming, so even if it's a positive one I feel like it's bad.

hey, ZR, this actually happens to me.  all those emotions we've had to store away for when we're able to manage them, when they come popping out it can seem like a lot.  i do believe our brains numbed our emotions as a protective maneuver cuz we couldn't possibly have managed them at the time.  and i, too, have physical places where my emotions lay.  the body does indeed keep the score.

may i encourage you to let out those tears.  to my mind, they are filled w/ poison (or toxins, as my T says) from everything we've had to hold inside all this time.  when we cry, we are releasing crapola that we've had to stuff down in order not to be overwhelmed at the time. 

i'm really glad you felt better after your EMDR session.  i have no doubt that will continue.  good for you for venturing into those waters.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

Life has gotten so busy.  I'm starting to feel a little bit lost with my efforts on recovery and healing.  In some ways, I keep progressing and getting better, slowly.  I've had more random bursts of emotions since starting the EMDR.  I've taken a break for the last two sessions because of how hectic work has gotten, but the emotions have remained, showing up when I'm not expecting them, except while at work.  I've been putting more thought into recognizing that feelings aren't automatically bad just because they feel overwhelming.  I've finally had one check in where I started experiencing emotions, but my brain didn't automatically consider them bad or negative emotions.  I was able to just sit with the way they felt and explore that.  But aside from that, I feel like I'm losing ground.  Most often, when I start feeling emotions coming up, they go from zero to overwhelming so fast, and that emotional circuit breaker trips and then it's gone.

I think maybe I've needed a break from focusing on the trauma so much, but it's starting to seem like I need to get back at it.  I don't know if that would help outside of getting back to doing the EMDR, or if I should just trust that process and give it time before overwhelming myself.

B has continued to be amazing about everything.  She sometimes calls me out on things, but not in a bad way.  So far, each time I've used it as a way to be introspective, and honestly consider what she's saying.  She appreciates how I own my past and don't use it to make excuses.  But she also pushes me to give myself more grace and recognizing where having wins or excelling at things.  Spending time with someone so caring and understanding is healing in ways I didn't expect.

Sometimes I feel like I'm letting myself get distracted, like I'm forgetting the trauma.  And then I'll wonder if this is the goal of recovery.  I know I still have so far to go with it though.  I still feel like I have to apologize for everything.  I know healing isn't linear, but I guess I'm a little scared that I'm losing the plot.  Maybe it's how much time I've been spending with B.  Maybe it's just how hectic work had gotten.

Either way, I think I should take stock of where I am and maybe choose some more intentional focus.  But then, I also know that not all my free time should be spent focusing on trauma stuff.