what's next recovery journal

[WhatsNext]

{warning some light spiritual references}

The last few weeks have been a "thing".  I saw the patterns from childhood that led me to being vulnerable to the mind job of someone who is not only a former spouse but also is no longer among the living. She was never diagnosed but her behaviors definitely a personality disordered individual. A lot of them fall into the cluster b cohort.  Been 3 years since the legal crap was completed.  Then earlier this year got word 3rd hand that she had passed.  Honestly I thought that it was some sort of shuck and jive to get out of some financial obligations.  Then the cluster of dealing with the court to get an court order to force vital statistics to allow me to purchase a certified death certificate to send to the court so they could stop the alimony.  No lie, having that document, the relief I felt was huge. 

I haven't "forgiven" the former spouse I mean that is a huge ask.  Maybe in some future day but right now nahh.  The emotional mix.. it's not like I'm having memories push their way in, it's akin to a tangled knot of tree roots of anger, hurt, sadness.  I really feel pity for the person that I was back then.  I know that he was trying his best at the time.  and the me now?  I'm still dealing with physical things that may or may not resolve.  never had high BP but now I do. Was labeled "functional hypertension". I'm I'm seeing a ND since I'd rather go that route than the typical medical "advise" which was 3 different meds that didn't do that much and I never got used to them.  The rest of the labs thankfully are showing all green except for low T, lipid ratio was inverted, and a slight insulin resistance. Thats common for long term exposure to high "allostatic" load conditions in other words like I was a solider in a combat zone with no R&R for decades. 

I'm lucky I guess.  Still on the top side of the grass.  Sometimes I wonder about the "why".  What is the Universe's deal?  I know that I'll not get an answer to that question.  It's me being petulant and acting out a lil I think.

Today was alright was able to do 5 pages of stream on consciousness writing which made me realize how for some reason the little daily things I used to do for self care, the time to journal, the time to meditate, and other small acts and I've fallen out of the habit? Or maybe its something like I need to start over, fresh, instead of attempting to drag what existed before forward into the now. BP "trend" is generally going in the right way except for the last couple of weeks. 

I'm doing good. steady job, steady money, reliable paid off car, snug little rental for just me. Used to have a dog but I'd rather have my own place so I can do the infrastructure.  Doggie door so if they need to go bathroom at 1 AM I don't have to wake up to take them out.

Oh the realization that has come along about my childhood.  Adopted so that's a strike right there. Didn't bond with the person in the role of mother.  Did bond relatively well? to the father figure but he didn't get in the middle of things between me and the person in the role.  She was .. inconsistent as a care giver.  Learned real quick what I could do minor first aid on and what I couldn't.  There was anti-anxiety meds which would cause sleep.  When I got old enough to understand words then the shaming, comparison, guilting,  criticizing.  Yeah.  Haven't decided yet to forgive her either.  She's been gone now about a decade or so.  Father figure.. I don't know about that either.  He passed away when I was a young teen.  Traffic accident.  I do know that there are still times I miss the physical presence.  The person in the role?  Nah, I pulled the going ghost thing.  Sent some of the other siblings a snail mail letter about the "why" I fell off the face of the earth and didn't want anything more to do with her.   

the weird timing tho.  I had been having the melancholy, nothing specific specific. Just a sense of diffuse grief towards like the years I spent in the marriage, the amount of time, effort, energy, the failure to launch on a few small businesses.  Right when it would start getting traction then something would happen where my energy and attention had to be on the former spouse. Sigh. It would come and go. never got in the way of anything and then the day when it faded and I'd had the best BP readings the next day the knot showed up. 

I better clarify.  I do not "hate" anyone.  Alive or not.  I am angry and hurt and grieving. I can not hate someone and still not need to provide forgiveness at this time.  Maybe in the future.  Right now? Nah I'm good.  I did my best to vet the former spouse as well.  Seemed to come from a stable family. No weirdness that I could perceive in the family dynamic.  Was pre internet so no way to check social media or anything. 

Been typing on this a while.  Not directly all in one go.  I've been having a repeating need to "take care of" things that do need to be taken care of like meal prep, getting ready for the upcoming work week like focusing in one a single thing, especially if it's screen based, not that great over the last couple of weeks.  prior to that "shift" which is a term I'm using as a description not as anything else, no worries about staying on task, staying focused. 

Until another time.