Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

What I want to remember from today is that once I arrived, I had a wonderful time painting with my friend. It was stabilizing to have the routine. I felt teary a few times, but it was contained within something safe and secure, painting together. It helped me process, much more than staying home in bed and ruminating would have done. And my work is progressing. It feels good to paint because you can see progress, it's a product, you can mark time by the object, orient by it. Oh yes, that's the season when I painted that one, then this one.... they accumulate. Much of my former work left me with no product and all my child-rearing and housekeeping is a repetitive series of actions that.... repeat, without progress. Painting feels orienting that way. and I can now focus on it and be present to it in a way that just a few years ago was extremely difficult .I've trained my brain and hand to attend now, and they mostly do. I think this is a healing activity that I hope to continue even as I get discouraged and think I should stop.

I'm teary and slept only a few hours last night. I'm going to take a rare sleeping medication and try to sleep tonight. I have to get up at 8 30 am to order dance recital tickets of all things, they sell out fast. Fine. Then, I hope to work on my new mashup project. Right now it feels like a brontosaurus, a brontosaurus that I'm worried is going to come apart and leave limbs and scales scattered all over. I am hoping I can wrangle it and that it will ultimately hold together and become a container, a vehicle for what I need to contain.

Love to All of You survivors out there, struggling or surrendering, whatever your state, may you have what you need for today to get to tomorrow.

[TheBigBlue]

 

[sanmagic7]

so very glad for you, hanna1, that your painting session felt good for you.  i think letting out that creative side is important for us, even if only once in a while.  i do hope you can continue with it.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

 

[HannahOne]

Getting through the week. Staying in the present moment. Doctor's appointments, PT and gym time, painting, finishing my "brontosaurus" of a project, dance recital rehearsals, hours of driving kids around. Structure helps me stay more in the present. Focusing on three meals a day and working out every day. The knee is messed up again but that's par for the course with a tendon injury. Still hoping it can recover without surgery, the surgery doesn't work well for tendons. They had given me a 9 month timeline so I have three or four months to go, can't remember.

Facing some of my past. My first two decades of life I was convinced it would all be worth it. The next two decades were full of fulfilling that promise to myself. The last decade has been full of self doubt. And coming to the realization that it could never be worth it.

From here, it can't be worth it. I'm worth more than what I had to go through, worth more than anything I got out of it, even the good life I have now. I have to think that way, because my past self has to be of infinite worth to me. But from there.... it had to be worth it. Or I wouldn't have kept going. I had to think it would be worth it, because my future self had to be of infinite value.

When I feel it wasn't worth it, when I get depressed and angry, I have to remember this. From here, of course it wasn't worth it. But from there, of course it was.

This question of worth it has dogged me my whole life. Made everything heavily weighted, made jobs seem pointless... when it comes up I just have to remind myself that it all depends on perspective, on where I'm standing. It's strange for past/present to flipflop like this in my mind, in my experience. I just have to be aware of which lens I"m looking through at any given time.

[sanmagic7]

I just have to be aware of which lens I"m looking through at any given time.

hannah1, this struck me as imperative.  if we can be that aware, i think we're at least halfway there. 

whether it's worth it or not, is, to my mind, purely personal.  to me it is, cuz i've got my lovely D to care for and care about.  so glad i'm here w/ her, to do for her what i wasn't able to do before.  it's a good feeling, and shows me it was worth it.  keep going w/ this, ok? - i think it's important.  love and hugs

[Marcine]

Hi HannahOne,
"Staying in the present moment."
Awesome to hear and happy for you.
It's a good mantra for me today.

And so, onward we go, friend

[dollyvee]

This question of worth it has dogged me my whole life. Made everything heavily weighted, made jobs seem pointless... when it comes up I just have to remind myself that it all depends on perspective, on where I'm standing. It's strange for past/present to flipflop like this in my mind, in my experience. I just have to be aware of which lens I"m looking through at any given time.

Hey HO,

Reading this as an outsider from an NPD family, I see the question of worth as foundational to how I see myself, or was taught to see myself. My value was measured against other peoples' children and compared to how well achieved vs how well I achieved (and if I didn't measure up, I was dismissed by my m); I was also treated as an object and based on what I could do for my FOO. With my gm, I was there to make her feel better, so it was good when I was in a bad place. With my gf, it was doing what he said/wanted (and then good grades etc were celebrated). None of this had to do with who I was or what I actually wanted --everything was rooted in "achievement."

Sending you support,
dolly

[HannahOne]

Sanmagic 7, Marcine, dollyvee, thank you for reading and commenting. In thinking more about this "being aware of what lens I'm looking through at any moment," as SM7 pointed out, and dollyvee followed up about NPD family dynamics, while trying to be in the present...

I started tracking my mood/experience for a few days. It's clarifying. I am often slipping into an EF. It's disheartening. There are times where I'm more steady... lately just a lot of losses and challenges has me much more triggered. I'm still doing two doctor's appointments a week with tests and procedures. And other life transitions going on. Loss of therapist. wrangling relationships. I dunno.

I got testy with a doctor yesterday. Her manner was aggressive and she was dismissive toward my disabled partner, as he's wearing a badge stating he works at this hospital. Grrrr. Then she asked if her 6 foot 3 inch tall male nurse could be in the room with us, a room the size of a closet. I guess so? Why? She misidentified my disease, mixing it up with something else. I became unable to speak, gave her a dramatic shrug with apparently VERY wide eyes. My partner tapped me on the foot. It didn't get better from there. I wanted to leave, forgot my questions, failed to get my sibling on the phone to listen in as planned forgot to even dial the phone, and ended the appointment as quickly as possible. Triggered, by her manner, I felt disrespected I guess.

So what part is that? A PO'd part, LOL. When I feel threatened because someone is aggressive, I can't speak. I guess it wasn't safe to speak in the past. I sure gave her attitude though, I'm told. LOL. I guess I felt safe enough to do that.

Today at work at the wildlife rehab I was cutting fruit and got worried I wouldn't know what to do next. Felt like hiding my fruit, what if it was cut too large, too unevenly? Wanted to erase all evidence I had even cut fruit, washed my things and put them away. Because afraid I had washed them incorrectly, Inner Critic telling me I can't even cut fruit and wash dishes, what happened to my career?! Clock seemed not to move. I wanted to leave.

So what part is that? The anxious overworker, and inner critic. Anxious overworker is very young.

Went to the bathroom. Surprised by my mature face. It helped for a minute, right right, it's the present and I'm middle aged, no need to worry about how I cut fruit or washed a dish. But then felt afraid to be hiding in the bathroom, went outside to get some air....afraid to be seen outside, should go in and do tasks, what task, unsure what to do? Clock not moving....

I found things to do at each step, and didn't leave. And time did move, and was over. And I could leave.

Is this even worth it?!

It wasn't worth it even when I was getting paid good money. but the animals are "worth it" and leaving my house is worth it, doing something I think is important is worth it. Having something to talk about and think about is good for me. Contributing to the world is good.

I'm just very frustrated. I'm frustrated that it is so difficult. Why don't I habituate? Why is it so hard to just cut fruit? I feel ashamed.

What can I do besides notice? Notice which part is being activated, remind myself that I'm middle aged and safe, no one is going to hurt me and I don't have to hide, pretend I don't exist, become someone else, or act like I was never here and erase all evidence of my presence. Remind myself nothing is worth it, and of course it's all worth it. It's a meaningless question. I'm going to suffer wherever I am. Might as well be feeding a fawn and cutting up fruit for songbirds with broken wings.

One thing I think would help is if I had more people in my life who knew more about me. All of Me. It's just not accurate to say "I have anxiety." LOL. That's just not it. I need to be able to say "I have flashbacks." And I think I need to be able to say "Parts of me take over when I don't feel safe." But who can you say that too? Only other people who have been through it will get it. I need more people in my life who can get it, who I can be All of Me with. The people in my life certainly know I struggle, is it such a stretch further to specify "I struggle with flashbacks?" I guess flashbacks imply trauma which imply someone did something to me and that just feels like such bad news and I don't want to bear bad news to anyone. People in my life see my struggles. Is it so far a stretch to say "Parts of me take over and I struggle to be present in the moment." How would I explain that without being thought of as crazy? Maybe it's ok to be thought of as crazy, do I even care so much? Would it be worth it to have, say, my partner, my sibling, a friend know more of All of Me? Am I really fooling anyone anyway? What's the point of sticking with "anxiety" when I could say "flashback"? I might feel more real, more present, safer, if I was more known. If All of Me were known, not just hypercompetent Me, hyper independent Me. Those are parts of me for sure, but lately they don't show up so much. CAN All of Me be more known to people in my daily life? It's really lonely, being unknown, saying "anxiety," being speechless and making giant shrugging gestures because communication is just hopeless. Can I share more, will I, how will I? Things to ponder in the night, for sure.

I'm a little depressed again lately, more time in bed. Lots of headaches. Not sure I am tolerating this medication and might go off of it, afraid to go off of it and live with risk. Will give it a few more weeks. Meanwhile I WILL keep to my routine, I WON'T quit the job, I WILL keep doing my workouts, I WILL keep painting. I won't stay in bed. Time moves, I will move with it.

[HannahOne]

Dollyvee I just wanted to respond directly to your comment and say how sorry I am that you went through that, being treated as an object, being compared. And how meaningful it is to remember what you said, that none of it had to do with who I was or what I wanted. I am still sorting this. The more I focus on who I actually am, even now as broken as I am, the more clarity I will have, the more calm. The more I interact with myself as if I were an object, a thing, to be measured constantly, the more I will not be present, will be in a flashback. My inner critic has this habit of treating me as a thing to be measured. Just noticing that helps defuse from it. Thank you for sharing your experience and sending support.

[HannahOne]

Migraine necessitated pain pills full of caffeine and I can't sleep, LOL. Podcast no help. Blue light glasses on but I have to get off the screen. My mind was thinking and thinking.... I might try it. Feedback? How would you phrase this? Have you ever shared your diagnosis, your experience of CPTSD, and if so, how did it go? Suggestions? Edits? I don't know how to do this.

Trial balloon:
Hello, lifepartner/sibling/longtime friend. I would like to share something about myself. I think it will help me feel closer to you and help you understand me more deeply. 

I haven't shared it because I don't want to upset you or make you feel uncomfortable, and because I'm still coming to understand it and feel comfortable with it myself. But you know me well enough to know that I have some struggles, and that I had a difficult past. Would you be comfortable with hearing more about my current struggles?

For many many years I was told I had severe anxiety. I was told I had PTSD. Then, CPTSD. I've come to understand that my anxiety is better described as an emotional flashback. Many times during a day, I suddenly feel like I'm back in the past when something scary was happening. 

I don't like to talk about the past. But you know I had some challenging times. Understanding my experience as an emotional flashback is helpful because I can get out of it by realizing I'm feeling something from the past, and that I'm actually in the present. Just doing deep breathing for anxiety has never helped me. I need to realize that what I'm feeling is not anxiety, it's anxiety FROM THE PAST. It's a flashback.

Another thing I've come to understand is that these emotional flashbacks have been happening for so long that they've become states of being, habits of mind, patterns of thinking that I easily fall into without really being aware of it. You've noticed at times I can seem moody, or that my feelings and actions don't quite fit what's happening now. That's because I can easily get triggered into a state of fear. The state of fear can be so strong that it overwhelms my awareness of other things, such as my current age, or the current situation, or other parts of my personality like my resourcefulness, my skills, my perspective. 

Sometimes it's helpful to think of these states of being as parts of me. You could call it a fear part of me, for example. When the fear part is in charge, I might not want to do an activity we planned. I might not even be in touch with why I ever wanted to do it. I just don't have access to what I need to do the activity because the part of me that is afraid is in charge. Even though part of me really wants to do the thing we planned.

This is more than just anxiety, or stress, or depression. It's a result of trauma, and it's become my way of being in the world. Although I've worked hard for a long time to heal and grow, these parts of me aren't going to go away, because they're me. I have to learn to work with them and live with them, how to navigate these states of being that take over when I don't feel safe, how to care for and work with these states so that I can have access to All of Me more of the time. 

I would like to be able to talk about the parts of me sometimes. How do you feel about that?

Have you ever experienced me as being in an emotional flashback, being in a different state than you expected, or as having parts that seem not to be fully aware of what I'm usually aware of? What's it been like for you? Have you been disappointed sometimes if I don't do as we planned, or have you been confused about my behavior if I am scared in a situation that doesn't seem scary?

Are you open to hearing more about my experience of emotional flashbacks and parts going forward? I think it might make me feel closer to you and might also be helpful to you to understand me through the lens of an emotional flashback and not just "nervous." I am so grateful for all the support you've shown me, for your patience, and for having you in my life. I know I'm not always easy to deal with. I'm thinking if I can share more directly about my experience, things could be easier for both of us and I might even be able to be more in the present more of the time, more with you more often and less often preoccupied with my thoughts, feelings and fears. That's what I want. Letting you know more about my experience might make it less of a problem in my life, make it not something that's between us or preventing us from connecting. Because that's the worst thing about emotional flashbacks, they take me away from the present, which is where you are, and that's where I want to be is with you.

 

[SenseOrgan]

Just a quick response, since I need to go. May I suggest you wait untill you're out of EF territory before sharing more about yourself with the people who are close to you? If it's not received in an understanding way, that would leave you in a difficult spot when already vulnerable. I love the idea itself though. I'm sorry I have to keep it so short now. Just felt like saying this. Will be back later.