the next step

[sanmagic7]

thank you deeply, marcine.

still sick today.

[HannahOne]

sanmagic7, your heartbreak is real. Connecting with those memories is important. What I see in your post is your dogged determination to navigate all of that. You didn't quit.

I'm sorry you're sick! I hope you can get some rest and recover.

[sanmagic7]

thank you so, hannah1.  it's coming along, slowly for right now, but i was able to take a walk today, and that was good.  so, progress.

gagging up those black bits while i was processing, then nearly seizing, or so it felt, made me see, again, the value of having a therapist.  i had to trust in myself to come out of that - and thank the stars that i did.

just looked up seizures, to see if i'm using the correct term.  seems like i am -  Clonic seizures are linked with jerking muscle movements. These seizures usually affect the neck, face and arms on both sides of the body.(Mayo Clinic)

yep, that's just what happened to me, and seizures are apparently caused by a sudden electrical charge in the brain. so, that's interesting.  this stuff w/ my first hub  was so potent as to cause that.  it lasted a couple minutes, but i was unable to stop them of my own will. my entire upper body was jerking, including head, and arms and torso.  it didn't hurt, but it was scary.

so, recovering from all that.  and i realized that i still have anger to deal with.  no anger came up during that processing.  but, i'm sure it will.

[sanmagic7]

i was able to get a lot of anger out yesterday, pounding on my bed with both fists and feet (of fury!), and then came the guttural noises from deep inside me.  for a moment i felt fear of having another seizure - this stuff from him, my first H, and the fact that my D was also running an errand for her father/my ex has seemed to have struck something primal within me.  it came from some very deep place, which gives me an indication of how far down it all had to be pushed in order to continue to live and stay sane.  whew!  luckily, my brain didn't explode this time, of which i'm glad.  but it gave me a moment's pause nonetheless.

i'm wondering why the seizure happened.  i can only guess that because i hadn't worked at all on Hub1, nothing had even gotten moved in my mind/brain about him in the past, so when it was brought out thru Flash, an electrical charge in there was triggered.  it reminds me that i cannot take these things in too big a chunk.  bad things happen to me when i do.

so, not sick anymore, feeling a bit better from within, too.  glad of that.

[sanmagic7]

off to the healing porch for me.  i'm overwhelmed by emotional distress, just need some time away from everything.

[sanmagic7]

got to a place in the book i'm reading about a little girl who'd rarely been touched, and i thought of me and somehow knew it was speaking to me that i needed to grieve that whole childhood of being untouchable, except in harsh ways.  it's a piece i knew had to come out as i continue w/ my grieving projects, and it came out as an ocean of tears.  over and over again.  sobbing tears, gut wrenching tears, moaning tears.  i didn't expect to get triggered like that, and it originally happened a few days ago, but i've still been so raw from my other processing, i didn't really want to get into this.  as per usual, my mind has a mind of its own.

i feel spent, old, difficult to move.  it was unexpected.

[Hope67]