Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[zen_racer]

Medics and basic physios literally do not know what to do with a 57-year-old managing severe hyperinflation who wants to lift weights and use a recumbent bike. Because they lack the specialized training to program athletic conditioning for damaged lungs, their default response is to be arrogant, dismissive, or tell you to "just relax". It is a defense mechanism for their lack of knowledge, not a reflection of your reality.

I liked the comments you put in that post, NK.  I particularly liked this part.  I'm a different person, with different circumstances, but I will agree that they aren't prepared for people that aren't like everyone else.

I'm also glad that you got your camera working again.

 

[SenseOrgan]

NK, I just want to acknowledge how horrible that state is you described in entry #352. Sometimes it keeps coming from all angles, and even the tiny stable spot you thought you could stand on is being destroyed right in front of your eyes. After a monumental amount of effort. Even to stay afloat. Big chance I would have felt the same in your shoes. In fact, I felt awfully similar just last week due to my own cocktail of events. It made me very bitter, hopeless, and overwhelmed. It's not the first time we ended up there, I think. I imagine this is how we felt when the people who had to protect us from harm added more themselves. And there was no way out. For me it's hard to detect this one as an EF, but I think it's a colossal one. And it isn't just that. I'm sorry your health issues are making things you enjoy so challenging. It's not easy to adjust to that being added to the mix. That said, I hope you will find joy and fulfillment in holidays and exercise again.

Hugs from Holland! 

[NarcKiddo]

Teen NK has been struggling. She tried to dissociate me out of a therapy session the other week but I noticed in time and this time I managed to remain present. I'm not sure whether having that fight with her has been helpful or not but I spoke about it with my T this week. My T was trying to take the blame, thinking she had done something to upset Teen NK and cause the dissociation attempt. Last time this happened (around this time last year, funnily enough) my T had unknowingly used a phrase that triggered Teen NK but I am pretty sure that didn't happen this time. However it was nice to have my T offer that she might have made a mistake even if I don't think she did.

What is clear is that I need to spend a lot more time with Teen NK. T and I will work on that. I've not been doing a great deal of art recently as it has been too hot, I have been tired and I have been stressed out over medical issues. But art seems to be something that Teen NK enjoys and finds calming. She was keen on art back then, too, until M was so mean about her work. So I have made a conscious effort to do some. And the other day I thought maybe it would be good to do a portrait of Teen NK. So I found an old photo. I remember when it was taken and how I was feeling at the time. It was a photo taken by M, not for any special occasion.

I'm not sure whether it was me or Teen NK doing the art. Possibly both of us. But I found it strangely intimate, doing a head study of me, then, and really trying to get to know Teen NK. I felt very tender as I worked on it. Teen NK used to hate being minutely observed. I still do. M did/does it all the time. And then comments. So I did not expect Teen NK to enjoy being observed so closely by me, but I was not commenting or doing it in any mean or critical way. I was just trying to show her as she was, and feel into her expression, which is outwardly neutral but which I knew was masking sadness. I felt very tender towards her and I think she appreciated that.

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
What a beautiful, powerful, tender experience you describe of creating a portrait of teen NK...

the devoted and focused energy of portraiture, the potent healing of art, and the offer of unconditional care by paying loving attention to her...

[HannahOne]

NK, I loved hearing about your making the portrait of Teen NK. That' something we didn't have as kids, we didn't have mindful attention, we weren't supervised or were overly scrutinized and controlled or both alternating. We weren't living under a loving gaze. We weren't seen and heard. Teens are more self conscious and don't always like direct eye contact or direct ANY contact, and you were sensitive to that as you worked on the art. What a beautiful portrait of the two of you this post describes. I'm so happy thinking of TeenNK getting something of what she needs. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[zen_racer]

I agree with Marcine and HannahOne.  That does sound like a tender experience.  I'm sorry that you've been stressed about medical issues.  Sending hugs if you'd like them.