The ramblings of an abused kid (trigger warnings galore)

[TheBigBlue]

Slashy, I really hear what you're saying about "failed empathy" feeling like erasure - that landed with me.

It also sounds like you're being very clear about not wanting your experience interpreted or fitted into frameworks right now. I think that's important for all of us to respect.

Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is just stay with what you are saying, without adding meaning to it. I'm glad you said this so clearly. 

[NarcKiddo]

Just letting you know that I am continuing to read your journal.

[GoSlash27]

Dolly,
"how isolating and alone that idea is (and backed by some of your other entries) and yet also how similar it perhaps was to what the 3 year old you would have experienced going through all the things you did at that time, and how that little boy would have felt isolated and alone, looking for someone to connect to, but feeling like they can't and no one is there for them. And how, as adults, we still carry the parts of those experiences within us unless we have worked through them and integrated them. "

 I certainly can relate to what you're talking about here. I experienced that with a vengeance. But it wasn't 3 year old Slashy, it was 11 year old Slashy. Entirely different traumas and entirely different responses. I blew right through jaded suspicion into abject hostility.
 But I can point to my own record of a period I had blocked out and show you how little 3 year old Slashy responded.
"According to (redacted) at Lawnvue Acres, (Slashy) seems to be in good health. He speaks a great deal, and he is difficult to understand. *SNIP* He is a very friendly child who is quite willing to talk to anyone. He does not seem to be very aggressive at all. It seems that if (Slashy) is to go into a foster home, he will be able to make the transition quite well.". This is not the behavior of a toddler suffering from the feelings you describe.
 Little 5 year old Slashy felt just fine. I experienced my mother's neglect as freedom, not as any sort of burden. Rare over the top physical punishments and irrational outbursts from my mother, but she was asleep or out the vast majority of the time. Plus, I had my crazy grandmother (an excellent "mom"), older half- brothers, and it was the '70s, when a child could rely on their friends' mothers as surrogates.
 I did exceptionally well at school, got along with the other kids, and played outside all day. As far as I was concerned it was idyllic. I maintained the belief that the adults cared about me and were looking out for my best interest, so no. I did not feel isolated.
 At age 11 my mother was assaulted in a brutal DV incident. I stayed with her in the women's shelter where I was treated as a pariah. Upon leaving the shelter, she went right back to her abuser. It was at *that* point that I began to feel what you're talking about. I could look at the behaviors of everyone around me and see only incompetence, stupidity, and self- interest. I rebelled *hard*.

 All that to say, it's nuanced. There is no pat "one-size-fits all" answer for one person in all abusive situations, let alone all of us.

 Best,
-Slashy
 

[Kizzie]

Just my thoughts here but I'd suggest that we all can learn something from the discussion in this latter part of the thread; that is, it's OK to have differing opinions, discuss our differences and then leave it at just that. There is no need for either person to change what they think, but because we are here in support of one another, it is incumbent upon us to try and see where each other is coming from which you have both done IMO.

I'd suggest that perhaps this is an appropriate place to leave things. One of the main symptoms of CPTSD is difficulty with relationships, so this seems to me at least to be a good opportunity to learn when and how to step back and respectfully "agree to disagree".   

Kizzie

[dollyvee]

Kizzie, I get that and happy to do that.

My intention with the last post was to show what I was thinking and why I initially wrote what I did and that there was no hostility behind it.

d

[GoSlash27]

From age 11 on through the next 10 years, I was deeply disillusioned and resentful. My home life was neglect, abuse, and domestic violence. I discovered that when people ask how you're doing, they don't expect an honest answer.
I hated adults uniformly. I had seen through their masks. Their only interest in me was limited to how I made them look or how much of a PITA I was. Still generally true to this day, which is why I'm so antisocial.
I wasn't violent. I didn't get into drugs or criminal activity. I was merely disengaged and increasingly truant. "No, I'm not going to participate. No, I don't need to do your stupid homework. No, I'm reading this textbook instead because I studied yours 2 years ago. This should be obvious to even *you* because every time you give a test I ace it. Oh you want me out of your classroom? The feeling's mutual"...
I was the *opposite* of "disruptive" so long as they didn't push me. My favorite activity became primarily the opposite of whatever they told me to do. I was defiantly sowing the seeds of my own destruction.
This spiral culminated in the Spring of '92 with my suicide attempt. Then *click*... The negative self ideation was gone. I had a purpose. Never had a problem since.
I went through the rest of my life just fine (or so I thought) until the last couple years, where I was forced to confront my past traumas and resultant cPTSD. Unlike others, *my* past trauma was a matter of public record, publicized in two books and a documentary. Literally (pun intended) inescapable. Prior to this, I had no idea I'd had a problem at all.
cPTSD is a sneaky bugger, especially for '80s kids.
--------------------------------------------
I asked my mother's boyfriend recently why he had been so abusive, and he said that he saw that we were going off track, running with a bad crowd. Deeply and bitterly ironic, since he was a primary cause of it. My sister and I were doing very well before he entered the picture. He uprooted us from a good crowd and dropped us in the hood, where only a bad crowd existed. I asked him about the exact circumstances surrounding his assaults on my mother, and he had no recollection of them.  I read in the CWS report how he and my mother lied, minimizing their culpability and my suffering. I don't think I have anything left to gain from maintaining contact with him.
--------------------------------------------
I think incorporating life lessons is important, whether the source is traumatic, merely negative, or positive. This is what I've struggled with most. Why on Earth would I *want* to change my preference for solitude, my unwillingness to tolerate toxic people in my life, my mistrust of people in general? This is my comfort zone, and It's objectively a *good* thing.
*OTHERS* tell me it's a "maladaptive response", not me.
As the DBR has taken hold and has begun to open up my full range of responses to include "fight" and "appease", I'm having to learn how to incorporate them in a healthy way. They're still scary to me.
 

[GoSlash27]

Kizzie, I get that and happy to do that.

My intention with the last post was to show what I was thinking and why I initially wrote what I did and that there was no hostility behind it.

d

Dolly,
 We're in full agreement. 
 And for the record, I don't mind if others chime in and share their related experiences and how they were affected. The more the merrier.
 Best,
-Slashy

[GoSlash27]

March 2026. A very short two years from when I first showed up.
 I feel a (perhaps unrealistic) optimism tonight. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel looming bright. Beginning to resolve some sunlit scenery. I'm convinced I'm almost free now.
 The time is rapidly approaching when I will no longer have a place here. No longer a "sufferer", but a survivor. I'm beginning to reintegrate after half a century. I'm expecting that my last step out of the tunnel and into the sunlight will be a hesitant one.
------------------------------------
 My pre- waking philosophical musings helped me navigate a potential pitfall with Squeaky. I established (and appropriately readjusted) my boundaries while handling her exactly the way she needed to be handled. Last month it would likely have been a catastrophe. This week, no big deal. We're going skating tomorrow.

[TheBigBlue]

Good for you !!!
 

[GoSlash27]

 I certainly can't fault the efficacy of Deep Brain Reorienting therapy. It has made rapid and profound changes in me and I can't say any of them are "bad". I'm rapidly approaching the point where I can't properly say that I suffer from cPTSD anymore.
 I would warn anyone interested in pursuing as a treatment option that it is highly invasive. Undertaking it is like invoking Beetlejuice to help you with your "human problem". Your higher level executive brain is not involved in the nature or timing of the changes that will occur. There is no "permission". No waiting for a convenient time or deciding whether you're "ready". Your subconscious is in charge. You just have to trust that it is all for the best.

[TheBigBlue]

Slashy, thanks for sharing this about DBR therapy. I hadn't heard of it before and looked into it a bit after your post; it does sound really interesting.

What you describe: the depth and speed of change - I can see how that could feel both powerful and also quite intense.

I notice it brings up a bit of hesitation in me, mostly because I tend to be quite cognitive and like to feel a sense of control. And also the idea of having to rely so much on the therapist to keep things within a tolerable range ... From what I read, it seems the approach intentionally reduces cognitive control to access very early, automatic responses, while ideally still keeping the nervous system regulated. I wonder if, when that balance isn't quite there, it might start to feel invasive? 🤔

So I'm really curious how that felt for you from the inside? Did it ever feel overwhelming or out of your window of tolerance, or more like something you could stay with despite the intensity?

[GoSlash27]

BigBlue,
 We are similar personalities; I like to feel like I'm driving. The thing is, the "opt- in" was when I began the therapy. After that, my subconscious set to fixing me regardless of whether I wanted it to or not. There is no "opt- out".
 What it feels like to me is a constant inconsiderate Windows update. There's no rescheduling or delaying it. "Your computer will restart in 15 minutes. Save your work". Sometimes it's inconvenient.
 Best,
-Slashy

[TheBigBlue]

Oof - that "Windows update" analogy really helps me understand the ongoing nature of it ... I think that's the part that makes me a bit cautious, because I would want to feel I can pause or ground if needed. Not having that sense of agency can be triggering for me.

But this is really helpful - I'll put DBR on the same list where EMDR lives for me right now: "maybe later, when I feel more stable." 🙂   

[GoSlash27]

Big Blue,
 I should also add that all the disruptions that are expected to happen with other treatments will also happen with DBR. panic attacks, flashbacks, emotional disregulation, sleep and appetite disruptions, the whole shebang. Except DBR compresses the schedule and these effects happen whenever my subconscious deems it necessary, not according to any schedule that would be imposed by ongoing therapy.
 That can be *very* inconvenient and disruptive. Thankfully my supervisor has been very supportive and understanding throughout this process.

Best,
-Slashy

[TheBigBlue]