Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

 

[HannahOne]

Dancing to "The Promise" by When in Rome, at the stove stirring lentil soup, Frank cuddling on the couch, thinking to myself, "HannahOne, you made it. You're here."

[HannahOne]

I am having a little panic but I'm riding the waves. Almost time for the class. I have almost finished and I'm shocked how well it turned out. I want to learn to shift into these states where I have access to what I know. I don't quite understand the mechanism. How I shift into a state where I can't access. Just anxiety makes it hard to think? Will continue to observe.

So many feelings. Excitement, pride, fear, worry, shame, hope, happiness, longing, discouragement. Clearly this does mean a lot to me, the community of painters, doing the work, being part of things, making something beautiful. Parts of me want to quit because of fear and pain. Other parts think it's worth it.

I notice the same patterns in my relationships. I want, and I fear. I want to quit/leave. And I want. Disorganized attachment, anyone? I want to be organized. I mostly internalize, no one knows from the outside the storm inside. That was a survival mechanism. So I don't have stormy relationships. But inside, a big storm. I want to settle.

A little worried about the socializing. How awkward will I be. I can be pretty awkward.

My outfit is good Ate my protein and calories.

Happy for All of Me that this is my life, and not the ones my family members took of drugs and homelessness. I lived in fear for so long of my future. Now this future is my present and my past is with me and in me, but I'm not in it. I'm not living in the past. the present is pretty good.

[zen_racer]

I am having a little panic but I'm riding the waves.

This reminds me of the movie type quotes.  "Courage doesn't mean we aren't afraid.  Courage is being afraid and doing the thing anyway."  That seems pretty awesome that you can recognize a little panic, and allow it to be there and still carry on.

When I used to do race practice every Sunday for a few years, I would sometimes, rarely, get into a state where I would do everything right, it all just clicked into place and I would be faster than I would normally be able to dream of.  Sometimes it was just for 10 minutes, sometimes it was most of the day.  But that only happened maybe once a month.  I never learned how to make it happen.  It just would, or it wouldn't.

I should follow your example and make sure I eat properly today.

I think what you said at the end is really important as well.  "Now this future is my present and my past is with me and in me, but I'm not in it."

I'm going to keep that in mind today, thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

I have almost finished and I'm shocked how well it turned out. I want to learn to shift into these states where I have access to what I know.

I'm glad it has turned out well and I hope you enjoy the class.

Perhaps you might get something out of the book "Drawing on the right side of the brain" by Betty Edwards. I was given it for Christmas and I am working through it. I'd put it on my Wishlist thinking it was purely an art book, but there is a lot of brain stuff in there, too. It's interesting.

[HannahOne]

Zenracer and NarcKiddo, thank you for reading and commenting. NK I had that book years ago... your comment made me pull it out! Thank you so much for the suggestion. The right side of the brain is the one we lived in as children.

[HannahOne]

Going to see a new therapist. Does anyone else feel so triggered by the paperwork? I know the paperwork is there to protect my rights. I understand the boundaries of the relationship must be meticulously spelled out. I know that getting informed consent means this can be a healthy relationship.

Yet the paperwork makes me feel so scared. I guess because it's all worst case scenario and because I'll be relying on the understanding and judgement of someone I don't yet know to actually understand, to respond appropriately.

[zen_racer]

I found the paperwork a little more triggering with my new therapist, but that's because it was so thorough.  I think with the bad therapist, he didn't give me much paperwork other than sorting out payment.  I have a natural distrust of legal disclaimers.

I hope the visit with the new therapist goes well.

[NarcKiddo]

Worst case scenario paperwork is the absolute pits for anyone who might catastrophise or go through all possible scenarios in their mind, which I most certainly do. I'm fortunate, however, that I am a lawyer so I can put that hat on when dealing with small print. This makes me very unpopular with medics because I insist on reading everything in their consent forms before signing, while they have to sit around drumming their fingers.

I do think it is difficult going into a relationship that has to be trusting and yet starting it off with all that paperwork. Can you imagine the looks we would get if we presented a new acquaintance with a whole file of disclaimers in case someone spilled coffee or dropped a cake during the chat meet?

Sorry, I'm probably sounding a bit light and dismissive and I don't mean to, because I can totally understand why you feel triggered. I hope the new therapist turns out to be good.

[sanmagic7]

Now this future is my present and my past is with me and in me, but I'm not in it.

i particularly liked this quote, hannah1.  especially 'but i'm not in it'.  sometimes it surely does not feel like that, even tho everything around me tells me otherwise.  but this is a good reminder.  thanks.

i'm not fond of the paperwork, either, especially the parts about my past.  writing them down is like reliving them all over again.  love and hugs
 

[HannahOne]

Thank you ALL so much for sharing your thoughts about intake paperwork. It really helps to hear. ZR makes a good point, more thorough paperwork is actually sometimes a good sign as it means the therapist is being careful. NK, like you I read every word, LOL. SM7, I ended up putting "to be discussed" for quite a few questions.

[HannahOne]

I've been a little dissociated. Can't feel my arms is the tell. Feeling very "tired." Not able to really engage anything. I am genuinely tired, the painting class was extremely intense 9-5 for 6 days.

I am proud to say... this year I was the second best painter. I say that because for 7 years I have doubted if I should continue. I have never done an entire one on my own without a teacher's hand in it. I have cried so many times with each one, unpacked my supplies and then put them away again without making a mark...

Somehow I made a leap. I was forced to do this one entirely myself from start to finish and I did it. I did the first parts at home with a lot of crying, stops and starts. Once I got to the class, after the first day I was ok. And many took photos of mine, or complimented it. Even the teacher told me my approach was "playful and profound." He's never said anything to me other than constructive criticism in the past. I was really stunned. More stunning was how comfortable I ended up feeling. may have made a new friend, got invited to a new art and poetry group to give a reading, ate lunch with others.

I still eat too fast but I ate with them. At one point, some folks didn't include a friend. I couldn't speak up in the moment but after I went to her and told her I didn't like how that went and they should have scooted over to make room for her... and that I was sorry, I couldn't time a response in the moment to help out. She was gracious about it.

Overall I want to remember that I often "don't want to do" things I want to do. I am not sure what that is, except anxiety, and "refuser" part that wants to keep me pure and on ice forever.

I want to err on the side of doing things. I can always leave. But if I don't show up, I am missing my life.

I am working on other art this weekend. Keeping up the protein although I missed a few workouts last week so I need to lift weights today. And clean up the house.

I want to find a place to be. A safe place to be outside of the house. A job, or multiple places to volunteer and to take a class. I need much more time outside the house. 9-5 was doable. Felt good. Tiring, but pleasantly so. Got me out of my head and out of an obsessive cleaning habit, a circular chores situation. And all survived. I hope in the next 8 weeks to find a class to take, and more places to be. I need more of a context outside of the house and immediate family.

Not sure why I currently don't have arms other than the change in environment from intense class to no structure. Lifting weights will surely bring them back online!

[sanmagic7]

hey, hannah1, just want to say kudos to you and your art.  expressing ourselves creatively can feel so important at times, reaching inward to produce something outward.  well done, you!  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I am so happy to read about your art.