hopeful for progress

[zen_racer]

That sounds like a lot to deal with SanMagic.  I can completely relate to not wanting to go through the medical anxiety as well.  I spent around 5 years getting worse so slowly with my gallbladder that when I was finally going through the medical system to get it taken care of, I had almost no ability to deal all of the hassle of finding a doctor that wanted to help, rather than what I found which was a doctor that didn't understand the tests and was more interested in thinking they were right than finding the actual cause of the issues.  After my surgery, my doctor made me do a colonoscopy, and I've decided that I'm never going through that again.  I think partly because of just dealing with the medical system, but a big part is how uncomfortable it is and how much I suffer for fasting as long as they require combined with not really caring if something major does happen.  I think it's very valid to take into account the affects of dealing with the tests and realize that sometimes the tests drop the quality of life as a cost that's too expensive.  That said, I also know that me not caring if something major happens is likely a trauma response, and that may change as I recover or from other variables like having people in my life that make life seem more worth sticking around for.

I've fantasized about what I'd do for fun and enjoyment if I ever learned I had limited time due to a medical issue that I wouldn't want to fight.  I wonder how common that is among us survivors, and possibly just everyone.

Sending love and hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, NK, for your perspective on this.  i don't think it's anxiety that's preventing me, just the pain of it.  i'm too tired of being in pain, wither physical or emotional, even tho i may not recognize it.  my trauma is all about the pain, and unless it's an emergency of some sort, i just do not want to put myself thru any more of it.  but, yeah, just going to the doc's office needs meds, so i'm already there about that. 

hey ZR, thank you for your care.  at my age, having already lived a great life in many ways, i'm just done w/ being poked and prodded, and as i said above, i don't want to put myself thru the pain of it.  it's not only extremely uncomfortable, it's also distressing, and i'm shot emotionally for the rest of the day.  that's already a problem for me, and maybe this is all a rationalization or something, but i'm too tired, too stressed, too full of pain, past and present that i just don't want it anymore if i can help it.

so, altho i've known i'm a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) for a long time, i got nudged into looking further into it, and it actually answered a lot of questions, cleared up a lot of confusion.  basically, my stress levels are already quite high simply because my emotions are stressful for me.  apparently this is a condition in about 20% of the population, and it's not related to neurodivergence or spectrum stuff at all.  learning about this explained about why i get the stress flu so often, why processing situations in therapy and discovering the underlying emotions i hadn't felt before has been so devastating at times for me, making me physically not ok, sometimes for a couple of weeks.

i can understand the cause of my alexithymia thru this window - my brain shut down my emotions because simply living life was stressful enough.  kept me from going mad.  so, knowing this is eye-opening, but it's also brought up a fear of what's going to happen in therapy as i begin processing the past.  we haven't gotten to that yet, and now that i can see more clearly how terribly stressful it is to feel something, especially something i wasn't aware of in the past (that makes it doubly stressful) i'm very scared of putting myself thru it, explaining to my T about this, another big SOMETHING that is strangling my wish to move forward.  also convinces me i will never be rid of what i'm going thru.  the most i can hope for is stabilization.  i don't know, blathering now.  even thinking about this, feeling the fear, is distressing. 

how can i temper my reaction to my emotions if it's a built-in anomaly? 

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, I'm so sorry you're in pain. It is overwhelming. And tiring. Your feelings are valid.

I have no idea if this is true for you, but when I read that you identify as "HSP" it occurred to me that sometimes reducing the overall load can free up energy to deal with emotions. I'm thinking of the things that are daily irritants or give you a "sensitive" reaction regularly. For example, wearing sunglasses! I squinted for years and finally realized I can just put on sunglasses... and suddenly I"m less irritable. I often have the lights low in my house. For other people, it's noise, and wearing earplugs much of the time REALLY reduces the nervous system stress. That you may not even register because you're used to dealing with it as an onslaught. It doesn't seem to work as well to pu ton the glasses or earplugs once you realize your'e squinting or upset... it's much better to do it preemptively. I start the day with earplugs and low lights Looks funny, but REALLY helps my overall battery and tolerance. I feel my emotions are first physical sensations and noticing the pain and trying to treat it or prevent it helps all of me. Another example for me is texture and cold. I cannot tolerate cold, it's very painful. So I Start the day with a warm shower, often sleep with a hot water bottle... if you think through the things that most bother your sensory system, and take some preemptive steps, it might possibly reduce your overall stress on your nervous system and make dealing with emotions more manageable. If this advice is not useful please just ignore it. I hate to think of you suffering and wanted to offer it.

[sanmagic7]

my dear hannah1, i absolutely appreciate your suggestions. i'm still looking into all this, realizing what affects me adversely and what doesn't.  i take care of the outside stuff quite well, (i can't take heat, and hunger is awkward) but it's the emotional stuff that stresses me physically probably more than anything else.  i'll be talking to my T about that.  and thank you very much for labeling what i'm going thru as pain. i don't feel any pain about this, per se, but that's something that i think has been shut down since i've been very young.

so, pondering more on this HSP thing, it occurred to me that my environment is relatively calm and smooth.  the outside stressors are minimal - i got used to a lot of noise and chaos while living in mexico, so that doesn't bother me so much - but my concern is my emotions.  i've reacted so violently to having to feel emotions, and even when i didn't really feel them.  the seizure episode is an example of that.  as i was processing my first marriage, just thought i could put it completely in a box and process the whole thing away at once, was when i had the seizure.  i felt no feelings, but my brain shorted out for some seconds, so i know a whole bunch of feelings must've been in there anyway. 

that's what i'm worried about now w/ processing - not only what might come up, but what kind of reaction i'm going to have to it.  scares the crapola outta me now.  so, it's not so much the outside stuff as it is the inside stuff.  and i think that because of making progress in recovery is what has unlocked this beast.  cuz it's a berast to me, another one, big and hairy and scary.