Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[TheBigBlue]

       

[SenseOrgan]

Congrations for staying on your own team!!!! Very powerful.   

[zen_racer]

Thank you TBB and SO.    

Later after I was done talking with her, had updated here, and had eaten and laid down, I realized that when I had brought up her wanting me to have to check in like I'm a child, she had then shifted from what she had initially wanted me to do and rephrased it as something that would be slightly less absurd.  In other words, using manipulation to try to get me to agree with it even then.  That is exactly why I need to never agree to anything with her.  She is the one of the most dishonest people I know.  Those goal posts will only ever exist where she wins, no matter what.

[NarcKiddo]

  x x

I'm so sorry she did that, and that the text arrived at the worst possible time. You handled it well.

[zen_racer]

Thank you NK.   

I think it's also worth remembering that she knew I was on an important trip for work. I'd bet anything that she sent that text then, regardless of us getting stuck in traffic that she couldn't have known about, because she doesn't care about what it might cost me regarding my job. She probably wanted to cause me to get off balance to hopefully make it easier to push me into accepting her manipulation.

I need to remember that she is NOT on my side, regardless of how nice she sounds when trying to be manipulative.

[sanmagic7]

    

[zen_racer]

I finally met my M for a dinner because of my birthday last week.  There were times when she was nice, but overall it went just as bad as I figured, if not worse.  According to her, I need to apologize to my brother because he's mad that I had blocked him.  I pointed out that he always treats me badly, and her opinion is that I just need to accept that and apologize because he's my brother.  He refused to show up.  She tried fake crying and manipulation.  Spent a bit of time talking down to me.  She still thinks I don't have any right to decide that I don't want to be harassed, and it's not actually harassment when they want to harass me.

She seemed interested in an important meeting at work I have next week, so I've gone ahead and blocked her number again and plan to leave it that way until at least after that meeting.  I almost guarantee that she would try to call and make me doubt myself just before that meeting.  She's done so before for other things.

Frankly, I feel so worn down now.  And I am starting to doubt myself by thinking that even if they aren't as bad as I think they are (they are probably actually much worse than I think they are), they're still that bad for me.  And they expect me to not care how bad they are for me, and only concentrate on how bad I am for them when I start to have boundaries.

I shouldn't have to deal with this.  I didn't deserve to be trained to ruin every other relationship I've ever had, or have them actively try to ruin it for me.  I didn't deserve to have family that always makes everything more difficult.  I didn't deserve to have everything be an uphill, unfair, and dishonest battle when instead I should have just had support.

[sanmagic7]

ZR, you absolutely did not deserve any of that, didn't ask for it, didn't wish for it.  from what you wrote about lunch with your M, yes, it absolutely is that bad.  the idea of dismissing your bro's horrible behavior to you and expecting you to apologize to him for taking care of yourself just smacked me in the face.  how rude, uncaring, showing no compassion at all for what you go thru with your B - none of that is ok.  none of it.

you are showing strength and self-care by blocking these people from your life.  that was no birthday celebration, which, to my mind, is all about happiness for the person whose birthday it is.  that was a beatdown.  she used an opportunity for joy and caring to do just the opposite.  huh uh. no.  just my opinion, of course.  keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

You did not and do not deserve this treatment. These obligatory get togethers at certain times are a big down side of staying in any sort of contact. I find it interesting how they often try to run other people's relationships. My M is always trying to manoeuvre me into seeing my sister, or calling her, and I am sure vice versa. She also tells my F when he should telephone his sibling and it's all just nonsense. Your brother is an adult and if he is angry at you for blocking him he can convey that to you himself, and see what you have got to say about it. He could've shown up to the dinner to get an explanation out of you if he was that bothered. He didn't. Why did your M not force him to turn up? You are his brother just as much as he is yours. He might not be mad at all. He might have had something else to do and not really care that you blocked him.

I'm sorry you had an unpleasant birthday dinner. I hope she paid, at least!

Good call on blocking her until the important meeting is over. That sounds very sensible.

[zen_racer]

ZR, you absolutely did not deserve any of that, didn't ask for it, didn't wish for it.  from what you wrote about lunch with your M, yes, it absolutely is that bad.  the idea of dismissing your bro's horrible behavior to you and expecting you to apologize to him for taking care of yourself just smacked me in the face.  how rude, uncaring, showing no compassion at all for what you go thru with your B - none of that is ok.  none of it.

you are showing strength and self-care by blocking these people from your life.  that was no birthday celebration, which, to my mind, is all about happiness for the person whose birthday it is.  that was a beatdown.  she used an opportunity for joy and caring to do just the opposite.  huh uh. no.  just my opinion, of course.  keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs

  I think I still don't know how much I needed to hear this. 

I've been sitting here trying to write more, but instead have been frozen with tears running down my face.  I'm going to have to come back to this.

[sanmagic7]

sending you a pillow to cuddle you, a warm blanket to caress you, and a beverage, snack, whatever you need to nourish you.  take your time.  there's a lot there.  love and hugs  

[zen_racer]

Thank you SanMagic and NK.  I'm feeling better, though I didn't sleep well last night.  I think my FOO bombards me with stuff that is so extreme from what seems like normal, but acts like it's normal, and it does make me question if I'm the one that's wrong for thinking I deserve respect too.  I guess this is the pushback from me starting to enforce the boundaries I've been telling them about for the entire 4.5 years I've been back.

Part of what was getting to me last night is realizing they've been so one sided with everything for long enough that I don't recognize that behavior as an actual threat against my safety, but given how it makes me feel and think about myself it absolutely is.  It's like the only way I let myself think of safety is physical safety, and I've taken steps throughout my life like learning martial arts and staying fit that I rarely ever feel physically unsafe.  I have a hard time believing that family would feel so entitled to treat me bad that they did everything they could to make sure I'd be unable to recognize it as abuse.  And to some degree, I feel like a failure for not seeing it how I should before now.

Anyway, I have the person coming to help me clean my house for 4 hours, and she's the one that's kind of like a trauma informed house cleaner.  I'm looking forward to just being around someone that is simply nice, caring, and understanding without any other expectation or judgement.

Sending love and hugs back.   

[NarcKiddo]

Ah yes, your trauma informed house cleaner. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm envious! I'm also glad you have someone steady, caring and understanding to be in your house. These more 'distant' relationships can be so helpful as we ease our way into a recognition of what is actually safe and what isn't.

You're not a failure for not seeing it. How could you have seen it? You're strong and capable and have made sure you feel physically safe. That's important and makes logical sense. But the lack of actual safety (both physical as well as emotional) likely started so early in childhood that you had no frame of reference. It was just 'normal' to the logical brain when it formed. If you'd questioned it, your FOO would likely have informed you that of course you were safe and you would have had no way of refuting it. I'm only speaking from my own experience, of course, but the behaviour patterns of your FOO that you have shared here make me think your situation started early. It's also worth considering that your FOO did not even recognise their behaviour as abusive, so to them it was all 'normal' too. ZR was there to play his role in the family system, and that was that.

You absolutely deserve respect. Whether you ever get any from FOO remains to be seen, but you certainly deserve it and have every right to enforce your boundaries.

 

[zen_racer]

sending you a pillow to cuddle you, a warm blanket to caress you, and a beverage, snack, whatever you need to nourish you.  take your time.  there's a lot there.  love and hugs  

Thank you SanMagic.  I think I'm going to take advantage of that pillow and blanket after I'm done typing this in.   

Ah yes, your trauma informed house cleaner. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm envious! I'm also glad you have someone steady, caring and understanding to be in your house. These more 'distant' relationships can be so helpful as we ease our way into a recognition of what is actually safe and what isn't.

You're not a failure for not seeing it. How could you have seen it? You're strong and capable and have made sure you feel physically safe. That's important and makes logical sense. But the lack of actual safety (both physical as well as emotional) likely started so early in childhood that you had no frame of reference. It was just 'normal' to the logical brain when it formed. If you'd questioned it, your FOO would likely have informed you that of course you were safe and you would have had no way of refuting it. I'm only speaking from my own experience, of course, but the behaviour patterns of your FOO that you have shared here make me think your situation started early. It's also worth considering that your FOO did not even recognise their behaviour as abusive, so to them it was all 'normal' too. ZR was there to play his role in the family system, and that was that.

You absolutely deserve respect. Whether you ever get any from FOO remains to be seen, but you certainly deserve it and have every right to enforce your boundaries.

 

She is worth being envious, NK.  She saw my new bed and the old mattress setup in my living room, so I explained that I bought the bed as a birthday gift for myself.  I mentioned that family has been less than nice ever since I blocked them to avoid harassment after my mom's texts the night before my birthday.  She said that's the way abusers tend to act when they start having less control.  She related something about her older sibling, and I told her that it was opposite for my older brother.  She said that she'd heard or read that when families have narcissistic parents that there's usually one golden child, and the other one gets blamed for everything.  I'd never told her that my parents are narcissistic.  I told her that I'd started seeing a therapist, and her reaction was genuine care and being happy that I was taking steps to help myself.  She later even encouraged my taking steps to become better, and said that even trusting a strange woman I met at the grocery store to come help me with my house was likely a big step.

And now I'm almost crying at the fact that she's so much more supportive than my family has ever been, with no judgement.

And you're right, NK.  It did start early for me.  One of my first memories is of my parents constantly making fun of me for being a kid and not understanding their condescending jokes, except I did understand already.  It was before we moved when I was 5, so I know it had to be when I was 3 or 4.  I can only guess it started before I was old enough to remember anything.

I know before we moved, my brother had his own bedroom.  But for whatever reason, I was expected to share my bedroom with him.  So he had one and a half rooms, and I didn't have anywhere safe to get away from him.  He could lock me out of his room, but I wasn't allowed to close my door because it was half his room.  I can only guess that he didn't like having to give up being the only child, and no one cared that he beat me.

I'm going to go use the pillow and blanket from SanMagic and take a nap.

 

[zen_racer]

The issues with the FOO are still weighing on me.  I wish I could honestly say that I just don't care.  I might not let that stop me from waving my arms in the air, though.  I don't actually care that my brother didn't show up.  But I think I've finally connected the dots between behavior like that from my family, and the fact that I have issues with abandonment.  Threats of excluding me or cutting me off have been a tactic they've used to keep me under some form of control for a very long time. It makes it a little weird to me, because now I'm cutting them off.  I'm reminding myself that they have done this as punishment against me as a form of manipulation.  I am doing it because of the need to protect myself.

I just thought it was worth capturing this observation.