Healing or Holding On?

[Dark.art.girl]

WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!
This has been a really dark four days. I've fully allowed the past to infiltrate my relationship.

Serious issues have arose regarding my intimacy problems and I have no choice but to address it aggressively with treatment. My thoughts have gone completely morbid. I've reached out for help, don't worry. But man, did I really think I could go on so long without seeking help?

I'm sending the letter to my mother, I think. I just want to make 100% sure it's what I want my last words to be. To her. I don't mean "last words", I mean last words to her because I haven't and will not speak to her ever again lol. I'm not sure why, but I feel I'll get some closure from it. Somehow I'll feel a little touch of peace.

I hope you all are doing well. My activity on here is so sporadic.
Enjoy your weekend, friends. Just had to rant real quick, I guess!

[GoSlash27]

Dark Art,
 My first time commenting on your journal.
"But man, did I really think I could go on so long without seeking help?"
 Unfortunately, you'd be surprised. You don't have to feel like you're alone on that one.
 Best,
-Slashy

[Dark.art.girl]

Slashy!! 

Thanks for your response. I could see how a lot of people on here could feel the same. For some reason I always thought, well, so far this hasn't caused any rifts in interpersonal relationships. Um, hello? Am I the most naive person on the planet? Of course it has. It's just more apparent than before because this person I'm dating is an emotionally regulated adult. Now I have the eerie feeling that if this relationship goes wrong, and he's normal, how can I succeed in any other relationships? Am I doomed to die alone?

That's how I've been feeling, kind of. Doomed. It's been dark.

I spoke with a counselor who mentioned that a lot of times we get a little stuck at the age we were abused--I feel like I've been back and forth on that. It depends on my environment, maybe. But right now, I'm definitely 15 again. I just want justice so bad.

[sanmagic7]

D.A.G., yeah, justice would be nice, wouldn't it?  i don't know if that ever happens, or if it would actually be satisfying, but it would be nice nonetheless.  good for you for recognizing what you needed and for taking action.  well done!  love and hugs

[Dark.art.girl]

Thank you, San! Love and hugs to you, too. I hope you've been well.

I sent the letter I wrote a year ago to my mother. It took some liquid courage to do it and I'm definitely nervous. I realize now that the only reason I'm nervous is because I never told her about when I was 12 and when I was ready to do it, I had a deep feeling that even though things were good between us at that time, she wouldn't take it well. So, I never did.

I also fear that it would cause a s*@#t storm on her side of the family and that she'll either tell everyone I'm a brainwashed monster (brainwashed supposedly by my father, her scapegoat) or that she'll try reaching out to me to "apologize". The only way she could do that is through her boyfriend. I also fear that she'll just tell everyone about it in general which is super humiliating to me even if none of us talk. But, I don't think she would do that because doing that would be her admission of guilt. She could just pin it on the drinking, but what she did when I was 15 she did sober as far as I know.

It would be in her best interest to keep it to herself because it's really embarrassing for her but there are ways she could twist it, too. Any sane human being would think she should be incarcerated but I wouldn't consider the people around her sane. Her boyfriend is a groomer, too. Icky.

Here I am thinking too deeply about her actions as if I can control them or the consequences actually effect my life--which they don't. Unless word got to my other grandparents and cousins, and then I'd be even more humiliated. But then again, it wouldn't put her in the best light. And it would explain to them why we're nc.

I wish none of this had never happened. I wish I had a normal doting and loving mother who wasn't a selfish lewd freak with boundary issues. I don't know what to do to heal anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop again.

[Dark.art.girl]

As I search endlessly for resources that don't drain my bank account or cause me any other alternative issues, I have come to a somewhat devastating realization.

The CSA I experienced when I was 11 (I keep thinking 12, but I was only 11) happened in the home of my great grandmother and grandfather who was living with her at the time. In the event that the information in the letter I sent to my mother somehow reaches him because he now lives close to her, I have no idea what he would do. My fear is that he would feel guilty for taking part in her negligence and drink and hurt himself somehow.

I would much rather he hear it directly from me. I'm terrified.

At my desk I have this little stuffed white dog. When I was 7, I took this dog on a trip with my mother to go visit that same grandfather during the summer. We stayed in that same old house. I can still remember how loud the cicadas were by the bedroom window. He took us to his sister's house where they had a pool and he taught me how to scuba dive for the first time. I took this little stuffed dog into the pool with me to play with. Somewhere there's a picture of young me in a floatie playing with this dog all wet and nappy.

A lot of the abuse happened at that pool house, also. But I'll never forget how much fun I had that one summer.

I have to keep reminding myself that I did this for me. I did this so I could feel some relief and I shouldn't be so scared to displease anyone else because of it.