Marcine’s journaling forward

[sanmagic7]

never mess with a momma bear, indeed!, marcine.  well done!  you gave your son some precious gifts in doing what you did - his sense of safety, protection, trust, confidence, knowing he's not alone, and you modeled for him what's appropriate anger in such a situation so he'll know how to do it for himself in the future.

no, never got any of that, never was allowed any of that, and also got the worst end of it throughout my life when i did get angry at someone.  but my girls knew and to this day, on my mother's day card from my daughter, she mentioned how she still feels protected cuz of me.  and she's 45.  so, this kind of thing has lasting reverberations for our children.  you absolutely deserve to be proud for what you did.  and i'm proud for you, and i wouldn't doubt your son is, too.  love and hugs    

[Marcine]

Thanks, friends, for your insights and support. I woke up today feeling on the verge of overwhelm from yesterday, hearing the Siren call of self-blame and veering towards the familiar ruts of self-rejection and rumination...

Then I read your responses and this peculiar thing is happening... I feel human, seen, AND safe, connected...

Zenracer, I know that fear of letting go of tugging desperately on the kite string and of stopping running... there may be a crash and burn. There may be a strange relief in the brave, new world that you get to explore on your terms.

I feel your love, TheBigBlue. Thank you!

San, that Mother's Day message from your daughter is precious. Isn't it incredible and miraculous that we are able somehow to give our kids what we didn't receive? That we can give the unconditional love, the fierce protection, the permission for expressing the wide range of human emotions... that we never got as children.

It inspires me to continue the journey of giving those to myself.

Love to all of us.

[NarcKiddo]

Well done, Marcine. Well done.
 

[HannahOne]

Mama Bear for the win! We need that for our children.... and also for ourselves. When parts of you attack you, when rumination comes in to try to protect you, that mama bear energy can be used on your own behalf too, to set boundaries with those parts or feelings. They can be acknowledged, but they cannot attack you. Feeling bad, ashamed, disappointed in oneself is real, actually rejecting oneself and attacking oneself is a boundary that Mama Bear energy can help enforce. ROAR!

[sanmagic7]

marcine, when i think of it, it really is miraculous and incredible that we can give to our kids what we didn't get.  it begs the observation that we've been able to do that  even w/ our horrible backgrounds, yet other people, no matter their background, don't do that.  they go the opposite way, the hurtful, mean way.  and they've had just as much time to live in their abuse as we have, yet they've chosen not to get help, not to stop the abuse cycle.

why the difference, i don't know.  i just know i'm glad i chose the path i did, continue to ask for help, and make changes as appropriate.  so have you, so has everyone here.  kudos to us all. we rock!  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

Then I read your responses and this peculiar thing is happening... I feel human, seen, AND safe, connected...

I may be relatively new, but I'm familiar with this feeling from this place.  This makes me smile for two reasons.  Because you felt this way, and because it reminded me of feeling this way.

[Marcine]

I've been swirling in an eddy of survival flashbacks the past few days.

An adult family member chose to get baptized and had invited me. I thought I could handle it but the day before the ceremony I realized my body was refusing to allow me to go. In the past, I've forced myself, bullied myself, to do these kinds of socially expected events, suppressing my feelings and forging on. Evidently, no longer.

It must be a by-product of the healing work, this refusal to play along at my own expense.

Growing up in a cult-like environment and experiencing mistreatment in controlling, shaming church settings... it makes sense to me why I chose to politely decline to attend the baptism.

Then came the guilt and self-blame. Then the silent treatment from the family member who took my non-attendance as a personal rejection of their faith. Then seeing the pattern of being punished for setting boundaries, expressing myself, and choosing my wellbeing.

Today I was able to talk with the person and he said he didn't know that the trauma ran so deep for me. He was still upset and disappointed but said he had a bit more understanding. I told him I was sincerely sorry to have missed an event that I knew was important to him.

I am glad I acted on my behalf. I am sad-angry that this unresolved goo caused hurt feelings. I shall continue to explore how to respect my self AND connect with others. I have no idea how to do this.

[Hope67]

Hi Marcine,
It's great that you acted on your behalf in all of this, I can see your strength and your realizations in all of this.  I'm glad that the person you spoke with showed some understanding, and the fact you were able to discuss it with him, that is huge. 

I related so much to what you said about how your body had refused to let you go.  I'm glad that you're no longer forcing yourself, no longer bullying yourself, and no longer suppressing your feelings and forging on, as you're honouring your true feelings and wishes, and that's huge (in my opinion).

 

[TheBigBlue]

Marcine,

reading this, I thought of your "Continental Divide" reflection.

As I have told you before: I am so happy that you are able to prioritize yourself. And what stands out to me is that you also reached back toward connection afterward. That feels huge  - that feels like post-traumatic growth.

One thing I am slowly realizing is that many of us with trauma keep getting placed into impossible situations where there is no equally good solution. It should not have to be a choice between erasing our own needs OR disappointing someone we care about. Yet too often, those are the choices in front of us.

When there is no neutral outcome, I think the most self-compassionate choice matters. Not because we want others to be hurt, but because our needs matter too.

You listened to your body, honored a boundary, and then still made space for understanding and connection. That seems very different from rejection. It seems like you were trying to care for both yourself and the relationship as best you could in a situation that had no perfect answer.

Sending support. 💛

[sanmagic7]

You listened to your body, honored a boundary, and then still made space for understanding and connection. That seems very different from rejection.

marcine, i fully agree with this.  trauma or no, our boundaries count as much as other peoples' boundaries, wishes, expectations, wants, desires, norms, etc. etc.  others may judge cuz you didn't do something their way, the way they wanted you to do it, but that's on them. 

i think you did great for yourself by honoring what your body told you and by connecting w/ the person involved afterward. it sounds to me like you already know how to respect yourself and connect w/ others, cuz that's exactly what you did.

love and hugs    

[HannahOne]

Hooray for listening to your body's "no"!. Compassionately sharing your experience if the other person is trustworthy to know it can help reduce their pain.  But we can't expect ourselves to always please others or never cause another person pain. Anyone who wants or insists for us to give beyond what we are willing and able to is not a trustworthy person. They can be disappointed! All feelings welcome. But where you go and what you do is not theirs to decide.

In sharing feelings about the situation, we can find a shared understanding, even if someone doesn't get what they wanted.  That IS the connection: You, fully present, sharing what's true for you and hearing them, and them, sharing what's true for them and hearing you. No agreement needed, no need to have the same feelings, all feelings welcome and no need for anyone to do anything they don't want to do.

I'm so glad you were able to avoid putting yourself in a situation that could be retraumatizing. And I'm so glad you were able to talk to the person and come to some understanding, even though there is some residual yuck from the flashbacks of being punished in the past. This time, there's no one punishing you. There's just you being you, and them being them. Differentiated, and connected.   I hear you saying you don't know how to both connect and be yourself... yet I see you doing it!     

[NarcKiddo]

I think you did well to take care of yourself and then to make amends as best you could with the family member.

[Marcine]

Thank you, friends, for your compassionate insightful responses.
The emotional intelligence and willingness to share perspectives in this tribe is off the chart.