Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, i so much hate feeling sick anynore, yet it doesn't let go of me, so i get the idea of feeling well but not having the wherewithal to do anything constructive.  glad you're able to get back to your painting class, tho.  i know it's a good thing for you.

i've never known anyone who's into clothes w/ such depth.  i had a pair of penny loafer for years and years, finally lost them in a move, but i absolutely loved them. they lasted forever, and when i was in college (ages ago) they were 'the thing' to wear.  it became cool to wear them w.o socks, which was called going NS.  for the daring, we would even go to class w/o shoes or socks, which was called NS 2 (that's a raised 2 standing for 'squared').  i never thought of them as boring, tho, but that may be because i didn't have a lot of shoes to pick from, and i wasn't very adventurous w/ clothes at that time in my life.  i do love that you are, tho.  such fun!

love and hugs

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, thank you for your reflections on loafers! You're right, everyone experiences style differently. It's like art, some people love a painting, some people don't, some people are moved by a color, others think it's blah. I go back and forth, sometimes I wear loafers with socks, which to me reads preppy and also a little pop rock, and sometimes I wear them barefoot. When I wear socks I like to wear floral patterned socks, or bright red---something unexpected.

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with stress flu and/or being sick. It is really a drag emotionally. Thinking of you.

[HannahOne]

I had art therapy today. I highly recommend art therapy if anyone is having trouble in regular talk therapy. Especially if you have a decision to make or are "stuck" in processing something, art therapy gets the verbal mind out of the way and taps into a different mode of being. I'm finding it so helpful.

I am carrying around a small rectangular structured boxy burgundy crocodile leather purse with a short handle I got at a thrift store for 15$. I love it. It makes any outfit look pulled together right away.

I am excited to try my navy pinstripe trousers with my chartreuse sweater (analogous colors), my burgundy sweater (analogous colors), my light pink sweater (analogous colors), my camo cropped jacket (pattern mixing, analogous colors, vibe switch), my white transparent blouse with a navy bra under it (texture contrast), and my rust velvet button down blouse (complementary colors, texture contrast). Most of these outfits would go with white loafers with a gold buckle, although for the rust top I would wear rust boots with a heel and for the camo jacket I am thinking black stable boots. With the pink sweater I might wear pink ballet flats. I have burgundy crocodile loafers coming in the mail from an online thrift store with my credits from selling some of my old work clothes, so I might wear those with the burgundy sweater, maybe with a floral sock that has some burgundy in it. Fall is here. Bring it on.

With all of these I will wear my gold heart necklace and the mixed metal bracelet from the junk jewelry when I was a kid.

And I'm wearing lipstick now. I got over it. I like it. And a little blush. I am happy. 

I feel much more like myself with my current clothes. I can feel right away when something is good, but not me. This inner confidence is taking me places inside and out. It goes in and out becauseI fade in and out. But that's a different problem. I am feeling very satisfied and proud to have created a small wardrobe that all feels like me, that I can wear to protect and express myself, that makes it easier to go out into the world and live my life.

I used to think clothes were silly, frivolous, that it didn't matter at all what you wear. And on some level it doesn't, clothes don't make the woman. But that's on the survival level. If we're all stripped naked in a prison yard, sure, it doesn't matter. Underneath our clothes we are all human flesh. But we do need clothing to survive, it's an essential like food and shelter and oxygen. And beyond survival, clothing is a cultural artifact, a craft created to express ideas about rank, gender, and beauty/attractiveness. All cultures have different styles and shapes and materials and colors of clothing. It's an essential part of being a human being to weave, spin, dye, sew, and wear clothes. It's not silly just because it was mostly women's work and because women are sometimes loaded with emotional labor to look a certain way in a way that men sometimes are not.

Choosing my clothes is choosing me. It is my body, my choice. I am not in a survival situation, I can buy clothes I like, I can wear what I choose, I am free to be me. Lucky, lucky, lucky me.

Frank wears the same fabulous fur coat every day. Silky and gray. His fur ripples over his shoulder blades, his fur suit fits him like a glove, except where it's saggy at his armpits and neck, for ease of movement. He changes his coat seasonally, from steel gray in winter to brown grunge in summer and back again. His under fluff is white and looks like dandelion seeds all over my house at this time of year, literal "dust bunnies" all the time, the Roomba never stops. His feet tap dance shoe-free, the hind feet size XXL for strength, the forefeet size XS for dainty crossing when he sits up. His face is adorned with whiskers, expressively moving with every breath and lip-lick. And his eyes have tiny eyelashes. No mascara needed. I can see how, in a survival situation, humans might want his fur coat for mittens, or his foot to hang off their purse. Lucky, lucky, lucky Frank.

[NarcKiddo]

I love how you enjoy your clothes, and your colours, and now your make up.

You've inspired me to enjoy make up again. I've always worn lipstick without fail (partly because my lips feel too dry without a coating) but I realised I had stopped bothering with anything else since the pneumonia. Unless I was going out for dinner, the make up would sit in the drawer. Reading your journal over the last months has made me realise I can enjoy make up for me. And that I can benefit from experimenting - because make up has moved on and my skin has moved on. Liquid blush in Barbie pink is so lovely put on in a sheer wash, and I never knew! So, thank you, HannahOne. I'm grateful to you. 

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, that means so much, that I may have inspired you to enjoy your own choices! Thank you for letting me know! For me it's become a kind of self-care. Taking the time in the morning. It takes about thirty minutes to choose an outfit I'm happy with and that goes with the weather and vibe of the day. I often rushed out the door in a t shirt wet-headed, or unshowered. Sigh. My hair would dry on the way to work or I'd put it up... I had babies for some of that time, I was busy. But I also was afraid to care, couldn't face myself in a mirror, didn't want to think about my body. This change I've made feels deep, feels profound and important, like what always should have been. I should have always cared for and cared about and taken account of my body, prepared it to face the weather and the eyeballs of others, taken time for me to feel hot water in the shower or style my hair so I don't feel ashamed in front of people. I dunno. It's a whole thing I'm still understanding the meaning of, and I certainly don't have a lock on it, there are days I struggle or don't bother and that's ok too. 

[Blueberry]

I highly recommend art therapy if anyone is having trouble in regular talk therapy. Especially if you have a decision to make or are "stuck" in processing something, art therapy gets the verbal mind out of the way and taps into a different mode of being. I'm finding it so helpful.

 

I love reading about your experimenting with clothes and the choices you then make. It sounds like the clothing is maybe art on your body, a form of art therapy you're carrying out? What you write sounds such a whirlwind too, I feel breathless reading it, in a good way.

[HannahOne]

Blueberry that's such an interesting perspective, I never thought of my clothes project as art therapy, but Yes! I am going to ponder that. Thank you for sharing your comment.

What I find so magical about art therapy is that it bypasses the verbal part of the mind. And as you can see I'm hyperverbal LOL. I used words to cope from age two, which is not developmentally appropriate. I ended up on the high IQ end but I don't think that's why I did it, I think it was a coping mechanism. Instead of being a normal toddler and looking at my parent's faces, learning to communicate, learning body language, learning how to have a conversation, learning how to ask for and receive help... I had my nose in books, or had my record player reading me stories while I read along with the book. I spent many hours in books. I guess it's lucky my house had books in it!

So therapy has been very helpful but it's also limited because I intellectualize and get lost in the words. It gets very abstract and I lose contact with myself and with the other person sometimes. It's a defense.

Art therapy somehow accesses a more visual part of the brain... and a more feeling part. Some of the most insightful and telling art I make in art therapy I've done with my eyes completely closed the whole time! I find it very compelling and an incredible relief to be in touch with this side of me. Art therapy tells me more of the truth about myself than my verbal mind can think up. It feels very deep, settling, a quiet knowing. I look at the drawing or art, and I know what my decision is. Or I know what I know about my life. Or I feel the feeling. It's very clear.

So this clothes project is learning a language, a visual language of color, shape, and texture, and also a language of feelings. How does the shirt feel on my body, how do my feet feel in the shoes, does the belt make me stand taller or shrink? It's a form of art therapy that I do both eyes open and also eyes closed. I do look at the outfit and judge what it looks like, but I can also put on the outfit, close my eyes and ask, how do I feel? I know if it's right or not by feel.

Maybe that's part of why it's speaking to me so much the last year or two. it is definitely a form of therapy. A way to take my body back, to connect with myself and others, to express myself and also protect and hide parts of myself.

Thank you for sharing your insight!