the next step

[HannahOne]

Thank you for this post, SanMagic7, an important topic. I too question myself about avoiding vs "tucking away," about if it's ok to feel ok or if that means I'm in denial, about how much "progress" is "enough" and how to know. It makes sense we would wonder about these things. The longer I'm alive the more I keep learning to trust myself. My hyper vigilance makes sense, my self-doubt makes total sense. I was actively taught to doubt myself, to question myself, to stand outside myself and monitor. And, I can trust myself. FWIW, SanMagic7, from here your process makes sense and it feels like you know how to titrate it. Sometimes tucking away is the best thing to do for yourself in the moment.

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your caring and validation.  i'm learning how important validation is for me from others after always being urged to do more, rather than acknowledging/validating how well i've done.  so, pushing myself ever further became a way of life.  no time to rest.  just gotta keep pushing myself all the time, always reaching for perfection.  that's what was expected of me, and even when i accomplished it, there was still no validation, no celebration.  so that cavern is deep, but you people here are helping to fill it, finally.

altho i've done my best to validate myself, how much i do, what i've done, how and whyi've done it, there's always been this sneaky suspicion that it could've been more or different.  moving to mexico is an example.  i got zero encouragement for that except for one friend, (who moved there a year later) and a complete misinterpretation of what i was doing there and why, and i know the judgments flew.  one friend who used to go w/ me every other weekend when we lived in san diego  even told me when i came back here that she was glad to see that nonsense of me living there was over.   

so, getting validation here helps me know i'm not crazy or weird (in a bad way), and getting the support for my decisions has been unbelievable.  so different than life as i've known it.

thank you, marcine, so much.

thanks, NK, for that.

ZR, i appreciate your thoughts on resting and exercise.  since i lift weights now, i totally relate to that.

blueberry, thanks for the cheer.  it really is nice to feel whole, even if only for a few days.

thanks, hannah1, for your thoughts.  it can be a difficult decision and choice to make at times, but i think you, too, are on the right track.

you've all put this in a new light for me with these little me's, and i really appreciate it. 

the feeling of being whole lasted 2 days i think?  yesterday i crashed, anxiety galore, extra meds, but i think some of that is due to the editing i'm doing.  it's got a deadline, so i have to push to make sure i get it done in time.  plus i have to give feedback to the author, which is always fun, to balance compliments and observations of what could be different.  so, i took yesterday off, no brainwork, did a lot of physical stuff, but still had a hard time settling.  a little better this morning, but i think i'll keep editing to a slower pace today.  i need to regroup and recoup.

a lot of self-doubt went into yesterday's crash as well.  i lot of 'what am i dong here?' kind of stuff.  it didn't feel very good at all.  so, the pos. feelings kind of disappeared in a mist of blech.

[Marcine]

Hi San,
I relate to what you wrote, especially—

"altho i've done my best to validate myself, how much i do, what i've done, how and whyi've done it, there's always been this sneaky suspicion that it could've been more or different."

This set of thoughts intrudes and crosses my mind several times a day. It usually morphs into that I should have been more and different, with assorted feelings of self-criticism.

"a lot of self-doubt went into yesterday's crash as well.  i lot of 'what am i dong here?' kind of stuff.  it didn't feel very good at all.  so, the pos. feelings kind of disappeared in a mist of blech."

I understand that mist of blech and it sometimes feels like a firehose of not-good-enoughness.

No fun. I'm glad you plan to slow things down a bit to "regroup and recoup." You deserve it

[NarcKiddo]

It's a shame that we have to deal with such a rollercoaster experience. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just suddenly feel progress and it just STAY? Of course the progress has not gone away, but waves of other crapola are always going to wash over us from time to time. Hopefully with less force than at some previous times.

 

[HannahOne]

there's always been this sneaky suspicion that it could've been more or different.

I have a part that does this too SanMagic7. The self-doubt is real. I think of it as a protector that wants to be sure, in the midst of the war zone, that I get it right. That wants to be sure, in the midst of a war zone, that I'm making the best possible lemonade out of these lemons, that I squeeze the last drop of juice out of every moment, action, encounter, opportunity, because I don't know when another might come along.

On one hand, EXHAUSTING. On the other hand, thanks, self-doubt/criticism, for helping me out in a bad situation. Now it's different, check out how it's different. Give me some room to work.... give me some space.

I read about the crash. Sometimes we do need to crash. Maybe a trampoline would be helpful, to crash into and bounce back with? Or the softest most fluffy pillow to crash into and rest up a bit. And a slower pace sounds in order.

 

[zen_racer]

SanMagic, I relate to that need for validation, and lack of it previously so much.  I think taking the day off was a good call. 

I'm still not sure how I feel about the idea of little me's, but after my weekend, I can say that I'm open to the idea.

I think regrouping and recouping sounds like a great plan.

Love and hugs!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, everyone.  suddenly, i have to take a nap.

[zen_racer]

thanks, everyone.  suddenly, i have to take a nap.

*very quietly*