Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, your last few sentences made my heart sing!  all your 'inefficient' writing got you to a place of knowing, of caring, problem-solving, and finally to happy.  that's about as big a YES as i know.  congrats on getting there.  i know it may have been a roundabout route, but to my mind that is neither inefficient nor a waste of time/energy.  i think it's wonderful to get to a place of 'happy'.  i can't see a better outcome.

i do hope you and the man who lives in your house enjoyed yourselves, (saying 'yes' to pleasure), that you ate (saying 'yes' to physical needs), and that you felt satisfied for making a choice of your own choosing (saying 'yes' to your own wants/needs).  well done!  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Dressed for beach in two seconds flat and out the door.
We are driving to the beach and getting food on the way.
Happy.

You got to Yes.
    

[HannahOne]

    

I don't know if anyone can imagine what a big deal it is for me to get to Yes.

As a kid I couldn't ever say no. I was harmed. And over time I fond ways to say no, mostly to food but also to feelings, my own thoughts, my own experience, physical sensations, relationships.... although outwardly I was somewhat successful, I was sometimes not living in my own life in many ways.

And I had so much inner conflict. Constant intense inner conflict, because I couldn't negotiate and compromise. I often wasn't even aware there was an inner conflict, I Would just get sick, suddenly have massive lung inflammation, get IBS, migraines, etc etc. Many of these things have physical causes given my genetics but the more I've been able to resolve inner conflicts, the healthier I've been.

Even things that felt good didn't feel good, because parts of me hadn't gotten to yes. Some part of me was always losing when another part won.

There's something really important here about consent, consensus, boundaries, and the process of negotiation internally.

NarcKiddo thank you so much for the cheer and noticing! I'm feeling really proud right now

SanMagiuc7, thank you so much for noticing that inefficiently writing got me to a much smoother experience   Anytime I have to make a decision sparks are flying, there's no grease in the gears. Negotiation is lubrication I suppose.

Thank you also for identifying the sequence. Wow! "Knowing, caring, problem solving/negotiation, and happy." That's so important. I'm so glad you identified that. Noticing, knowing. That's the first step, being willing to know there is an inner conflict. CARING. Wow that's so important and something I've struggled with for my whole life, caring about myself. And I've been working on that! Negotiating, I just learned about that.... and HAPPY. 

My new mantra: "notice, know, care, negotiate, happy."

[sanmagic7]

you go, girl!

[HannahOne]

Told the therapist I'v been seeing I'm leaving. For whatever reason I just have such a negative transference about her. I keep feeling she's annoyed, which she denies, in a slightly annoyed way LOL. I feel like she's like my father. I feel like she doesn't believe me, she sometimes wrinkles her nose and repeats what I just said. Like yeah, that's what I said! LOL. You've been a therapist for twenty years, surely someone has said that to you before, surely someone else has had that happen to them, too? I'm not sure why she doubt but I'm very tired of that look which seems to suggest she finds ME unbelievable.

 I feel she is always "thinking" and not feeling. She says she doesn't think that. LOL. I point out she just responded with "think" again. She said "Believe it or not, I feel compassion toward you" and well, I didn't believe it, and I felt triggered by her saying that, because it was like my father saying "Believe it or not, I love you/want what's best/etc" when clearly evidence showed that to be not the whole story. I could never believe him. "Believe it or not" feels like a challenge, makes me feel full of self doubt, like I'm crazy. My head started to feel pressure. I just don't believe it. I wish I could believe her but I find her utterly unbelievable.

It's partly how she speaks. "If I could change what I'm doing in a helpful way that is authentic to me, I will." I mean, sure, please don't be inauthentic. But when you say it like that, it's not convincing. It immediately suggests I am asking you to be someone you're not, which is not my intent, I'm just saying something about how you're being is triggering, because you asked why I'm leaving. Like, you figure out how to be authentically with me, I don't want to know about that!

Maybe I'm not thinking clearly. LOL. It just feels all kinds of wrong. I don't feel it's very helpful, caring or authentic to say "I'll change as long as it's not inauthentic," it feels wooden, the opposite of authentic, it feels like it's behind a veil, the opposite of contact, and it feels not compassionate or caring, maybe because it's so solution-oriented. I think it would be better to just be with my feelings about her. That would be a kind of contact. Sigh.

I told her I found her scary because I don't know how she feels. Of course, it could be healing for me to just be me, without performing based on how I think the therapist feels... but I'm too scared to even relate to her, because she feels too much like my father, in denial about emotions, or cold/steely/hyperrational, in a predator kind of way. It's not that I don't know who I am if I don't know how she feels it's that the lack of emotions itself is frightening to me. Frank would never trust her, because he has to be able to read the room, and she's unreadable to me. 

I've never had a situation like this, I always like the therapist and never feel they are so scary. Oh well! Moving on. It's not her fault or mine and I feel she could be a very good therapist, just sadly for whatever reason not for me. It was a pretty awkward session tho, up there on my top three of awkward sessions! 

All day today I thought it was Tuesday. And I clipped a pole with my car. I'm pretty dissociated. I almost cancelled the trainer bc I hadn't worked out, but I'm glad I didn't. It got me back into my body. I hope I will work out tomorrow. Tomorrow more work done on the house. Wednesday I see the city therapist. The station I use is about to close for a long time for work and that's so frustrating, I hope I can find an alternate way. I feel so much safer with the city therapist even after one session. It's instinct. Which I trust more now.

Frank has been thumping a lot. I was wondering what is going on and realize I think it's the heat and barometric pressure, there's frequent thunder even if not rain. And whenever it's about to thunder or storm, Thump thump thump!! It's shockingly loud, the hardwood floor is like a drum, he can really slam his foot down on the ground. It's hard to describe. It makes me jump sometimes. When he thumps, there's no reasoning with him, he has a wild eye and won't connect, he's listening, and ready to zig and zag and leap. I just made him a new box, since he has no burrow. I m burrowing into my covers right now and going to watch "arrival" a movie about aliens that I really like because it's all about their language and communication.

May all of us here have peace and know happiness.

[NarcKiddo]

"Believe it or not" feels like a challenge, makes me feel full of self doubt,

I totally believe that, and can totally see why it feels that way. Whatever this therapist feels or doesn't feel, she sounds very defensive. I would also not like it if my therapist was openly worrying about preserving their authenticity. That should be a given. Like when you consult a lawyer or something you simply assume that if they are licensed to practise they have done their exams and know what they are doing. (I mean, you might regret that assumption later but you should be entitled to make it LOL).

Anyway, I think you were very brave to tell her how it is rather than simply slipping away under some excuse or other. She might not have liked hearing it but I hope it was useful to her and maybe therefore to some of her other/future clients.

I'm sorry the station you use to see the city therapist is closing and I hope you can find another way that is reasonably convenient.

[sanmagic7]

It just feels all kinds of wrong. I don't feel it's very helpful, caring or authentic to say "I'll change as long as it's not inauthentic," it feels wooden, the opposite of authentic, it feels like it's behind a veil, the opposite of contact, and it feels not compassionate or caring, maybe because it's so solution-oriented. I think it would be better to just be with my feelings about her.

i completely agree.  sounds like she didn't want to 'give' anything to you, at least to my ear.  i think it was awkward and gangly and very carefully worded so as not to take any accountability.  i'm glad you went w/ your feelings about her, glad you told her in order to get this response, which sealed the deal for me.  these things, unfortunately don't always work out - i've been thru 3 T's this year before i found one that suits me.  it's an awful process, but once you get the right one, you'll be so glad you left this one behind. 

i just hope you're able to find one who suits you soon.  that would be great.  love and hugs

[Dalloway]

I find your ability to connect to your gut feelings about stuff incredible. You write about it so eloquently, I can absolutely picture how the conversation went. Hurray to you for being able to formulate your feelings and thoughts in a way that was true to yourSELF. I think it´s amazing how you can recognize these processes, find a way that´s the best fit for you to articulate your needs and then act. Just     

[HannahOne]

    
Dalloway thank you for reading. I'm sure you can imagine how the conversation went
One thing about middle age is one has less * to give and I find that quite liberating. I know time is short and I take a little more risk. Also, I was genuinely curious about there response, could she get it, would she adjust anything, could we both be authentic and find a connection? What was SHE experiencing of me? But I just couldn't get to her experience of me, or I couldn't believe it. It was worth trying.

Thank you for validating my feeling, SM7. That's it, somehow she felt parsimonious, and not quite willing to show up all the way. Maybe for her that is about accountability, I don't know. But that's the thing---I can't get to know her, she won't show up somehow. Or I don't have the right senses to sense her.

NK thank you for thinking I am brave. I was really curious, if I put all my cards on the table "Maybe you're just like my father!" what card would she play? Could we get through it? But she didn't pick up what I put down. She didn't seem to want to play any of the games I know, and she also wouldn't seem to meet me directly through feelings. I still feel a little bad, but I know we are just clients and she hadn't had me very long so I'm sure she's fine, and probably relieved in a way

Tomorrow I see the city therapist. I am now worried about the trip because the station I need is closing. Come on, Universe, for Frank's sake!!! But I'm going to try again and see how it is. I got nothin but time---time for what I want to do, I guess. I don't have time to waste playing footsie with a therapist I can't be visible to.

I was relieved not to go to the wildlife center today. A bit sad it didn't work out. But I may go back in fall.

Thursday I am going to an art museum where they have studio space and I'm going to see about getting studio space. It may be too expensive but I want to see what is involved. Maybe I can volunteer at the museum in exchange for space. I am excited about this.

I found a new painting class near me that I am very interested in. It's on Sunday afternoons which isn't great. But I am going to inquire.

Today a man came and worked on some house projects. It went pretty well. He was very nice. I always fawn, but oh well. I didn't flirt. Or cry. Or dissociate. So that's good.

I ate about half of what I should. Super sore from training yesterday. Working on eating more and better.

Things are changing. One of my adult kids may be moving out soon, into a good situation. I'm still working on adjusting their space to how they want it, and they're about to leave. It's a weird transition. Rushing to get a bunch of appointments done before they leave. It will be good for all of us if they can find their way, especially for them. They need to go out into the world and have experiences and being here is limiting, they need to feel adventure, feel the wind in their sails. A lot of transitions happening right now.

I don't know how to parent young adults. With babies, toddler, teens too there's a lot of instinct. Came so natural. Young adults I feel less confident. Maybe because I was never a young adult who had parents? I don't know. I just keep saying "You got this" "I support you" "What do you think?" and "Here's $20." LOL. I'm trying to grow into the adult they need me to be to them now. They need me to put their life into their lap. The time is long past for advising, suggesting, directing. Unless they ask. They seem to mostly want me to say "wow what in the world is your plan?" And "Geez what are you going to do about that?!" and let them come up with a plan. Even if the plan half the time involves me handing over $20.  I keep trying to show them that I solemnly believe that their life is their own. And I do. I just have to extinguish the last of the little mother hen habits, "did you eat?" and "where ya going?" My mind still tracks them to some extent. Have to let go, let go, let go.

I watched a cool movie called Arrival. I recommend it if anyone is interested in linguistics and inter species communication. I found it very interesting.

Frank is very irritated because he has been blocked from one of his territories, for some reason chinning everything wasn't enough and he peed to mark his spot. He has never done that before. So now he can't go in that space. He keeps butting his head against the door and pushing, digging at the doorframe, and sitting in a very annoyed hunched posture. If I walk by he runs back and forth to show me the problem: the door is closed and will not open. Sorry buddy. We all have to adjust to changing territories, it's a weird transition. I gave him extra dandelion leaves to try to compensate.

Tomorrow I'm going to the city. I hope I can make this work.

[HannahOne]

Taking the time to feel love, to let it in, to know care, causes tears. I'm not sure if it's "painful," it is painful but it's a different kind of pain, a kind one can sink into and be held by. Most pain makes you want to get away from it. This pain has something that I want, I want more of it. "Parting is such sweet sorrow," "bright sadness," all the paradoxes of love.

I want to hold onto this, not gripping, but hold it, not erase it or denigrate it or shut it down or turn away.

I want to allow myself to be in touch with this, in contact, and feel it.

Even if there are tears because it's temporary, or in the past, or because it just hurts. I still want to feel.

I guess anything touching a tender place will hurt. And if it's not touching tender places, it's not love. The tears are just part of it, part of emotion, being moved, which love does, it's an energy that moves me. Enlivens, enlightens, enchants. If I am moved from one place to another, one emotional state to another, it's going to be on a little stream of tears.

"If I forget thee, let me right hand forget it's skill." I don't want to forget. And, we do forget. So I want to be willing to remember. I want to remember to be willing.

I want to hold onto it, and, I have to let go of it. And wait to be moved again, or find the energy again.

I hope I will be willing to do this dance. I don't want to be cold, alone, stiffly shuffling around counting my cans of soup. I want to stay connected. I want to feel.