Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

I'm just very frustrated. I'm frustrated that it is so difficult. Why don't I habituate? Why is it so hard to just cut fruit? I feel ashamed.

This resonates. I'm having similar trouble with walking. Walking? Anyway, yeah, something that would seem like a basic life skill that is causing me problems and shame. It's lung problems and my therapist is helping me - but the shame is there all the same. It sucks. Sending a hug to the part of you that is struggling with this, if she's OK with a hug.

As to your thoughts on revealing more about the CPTSD. That is tough and I have been grappling with whether and what to tell my husband for a long time. It became clear to me that he really deserved to know a bit more and I deserved for him to know a bit more. But the "can we have a talk?" is so hard. My method for discussing anything related to this is to toss it around in my head, much like you have done here. I have made sure I am totally clear in my own mind of what the problems are and what points I want to get across. I agree with the others who warn against doing anything if you are in EF territory. That's wise, but I don't think there is any harm in tossing things around in your head and on here at times when you feel up to it. Sometimes the recent, raw experience of an EF can bring helpful clarity to the table while you are in the planning phase.

And then when I am clear, I just wait for a good enough opportunity to arise organically. That's mainly me, because I cannot force the issue and sit him down and make it all about me. If there is an "in" then I can. Maybe he says something, I react unexpectedly, and then we happen to be on the way to the coffee shop which is a safe environment for me so I feel able to offer some more. If he is obviously relaxed, not checking his phone or whatever.

I notice there is a fairly significant part of your text asking them what they think and what their experience is, with some fairly structured questions. I'd personally suggest steering clear of that. Of course they will have questions that they may want to ask at the time or later, but I'd suggest not directing that part of the conversation. Not when you are going through the stress of the first talk at any rate. Maybe just say you expect they will want to know more and that you are happy for them to ask questions, but they must understand that you may not always be able to answer the questions right then. You might get emotional and having a full discussion could take several bites of the cherry. Part of being genuinely open (and therefore trusting and vulnerable) is that you hopefully learn that the person you think is safe is actually safe and will support you. But they are their own person and they will have their own questions, that may not be yours. You are taking a risk that they might ask an unexpected question. Maybe even one you don't want to answer or don't immediately even know the answer to. And I think it would be a healing experience to know that you can deal with that. You can say to them "I don't know" or "That's too tough to speak about right now but maybe we can come back to it another time" and see that those answers are OK. You can protect your parts with those answers if hard questions arise. You do not have to stage-manage the conversation to be safe.

You've got this HannahOne. Even if you do no more than think about this and decide to take no action, you've got this. You can look after All of You, and you are doing so.

[Marcine]

HannahOne, your words are beautiful, coherent, and ring with truth and desire to express your humanity in connection with other humans.

I disagree with some of my friends here on this one— I do not think you should put a hold on sharing. I think there is a world of sharing that isn't all or nothing, and that can respect the need to go at your natural pace. And respect your need to connect.

Even as you explore these deep, complex realms in yourself, you can drop "hints" or as you said float a "trial balloon" with others in your life.

It doesn't need to be a huge sit-down discussion with your loved ones. For example, it could be a small and meaningful "oops there I go thinking I'm 5 years old... you know I was punished pretty bad when I was little. Whew. But it's ok I'll just clean up the spilled tomato sauce. Give me a hand?"

*completely random example.

Also a thought, as mom, remember how you had the birds and the bees talk with your kiddos? It was probably not one, sit down, long discussion, right?

I imagine you opened the door little by little and they asked questions when they were ready to discuss and over the years an understanding was built...

With love,
Marcine

[HannahOne]

SO, SabnMagic7, The Big Blue, Marcine, NarcKiddo, thank you all for the heartfelt and caring comments, whether you're concerned for my safety and asking me to consider more before sharing, or whether you're leaning toward me sharing and concerned for the effects of NOT sharing. I value all your perspectives and they're all valid and so helpful for me to consider.

[HannahOne]

Sense Organ, thank you for your caution. It's very much needed. I don't automatically think about my own boundaries.

SanMagic7, thank you for sharing your experience. It's helpful to know we all may struggle with this problem. Although I'm sad it's been hard for you too.

Marcine, thank you for the suggestion to consider small disclosures in the moment, as with the kids and the birds and the bees talk. That's a really helpful way to think about this that I'm going to consider. If I do it that way, I'll have not opened Pandora's box.

the Big Blue, thank you so much for sharing your experience. And for the image of a map. That's exactly what I would like to do. The way you phrased it is much simpler than how I was thinking about it, the four Fs. That would make sense to anyone and I could use the metaphor of Frank. I am going to continue to think about this.

NK, thank you for sharing your experience and for your thoughts about how to skillfully entertain questions. I am going to think more about that. Of course, I wouldn't naturally think about my own boundaries around this, LOL That's really important for me to think about because I know one person very close to me will have a lot of questions that would make me feel over exposed to answer or would just be too difficult to answer in the moment.

It seems like no one so far finds my description of my difficulty problematic? I didn't plan a big sit down talk, or that my post was the script, I don't even know how to think of it myself but I think my post describes as best I can my experience.

Due to headache I'm going nowhere today other than the hospital tonight for a shot if it doesn't get better. Back to silent darkness. I will check in later.

[HannahOne]

The note in my medical record worked better today than earlier this week. I went to the ER for a migraine shot and once they took me back, the nurse seemed to have read it because she asked if I wanted to wait for a more private room. Didn't make me change into a gown, just offered it. The doctor asked me how I wanted the shot to go, gave me a squeeze ball for the IV. And had me out of there quick. I can't believe it. It doesn't work perfectly ever time but when people do know that I have "medical trauma" it seems to make it so much easier, even the things they can't change, just because I feel understood and am not trying to hide anything or pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe earlier this week the doctor didn't see the note. Next time I hope I will remember to ask the doctor to check my record if I see things going off track in an appointment.

Headache much improved, rehydrated, and off to try to sleep.

[HannahOne]

I'm continuing to have migraine pain. So I can't use screens much and screens are one way to cope when things are hard. I've spent most of the day alone with my thoughts and my mind is not a good neighborhood, I really shouldn't be hanging out there. I've kept as busy as I can with tasks, tried to be present to my routine. Not feeling well and now it's night. I can't sleep.

Right now I have so much emotional pain. For no apparent reason. There's nothing terribly wrong.

I am so frustrated with my life. It's fine, and much of it is good, yet I want to run away from it. It doesn't line up with what I had planned and imagined for so long, _I_ don't line up. I'm just not happy, and I promised myself I would be happy. I feel like I'm the wrong self.

I have some travel planned coming up. I do get restless. I feel like I"m hanging on by my fingernails and the plans are too far away. I don't even want to do the plans.

I don't know what hurts or why. I can imagine reasons, everyone has problems, but none of them make sense.

So is it a flashback? Am I still triggered? I guess so?

I feel no one "cares" about me, "cares" because of course people do. I don't know what I want, what I feel is missing, what could my family possibly do to make me feel "cared" for? Seemingly nothing. I don't know what this idea is of some "care" that I want. I feel so burned out, I can't care anymore.

I don't even want to interact with Frank. It's been three days and I just throw him hay and lettuce. I can't talk to him. I look at him and feel nothing except the pointlessness of a rescue rabbit, guilt that  I haven't pet him, sadness that he's inside, even though he gets tense if I take him outside. Everything just feels wrong.

I'm sure the migraine is not helping, it' sa neurological event that causes all kinds of distortions and emotions.

The most accurate thing I can say is that I just want to be someone else. I want to crawl out of my life and out of my skin. I find myself unbearable. I'm tired of me. I hate me. I don't want to be me one more minute. I"m so frustrated.

And there's not been a good break or escape, can't sleep, no screens, music hurts, not quite up to driving/sun too painful. lonely. I have people near but everyone feels so far away like through a glass. The house is a mess and I don't care. I hate all my things and want to get rid of everything. I want to move to a different house. Every thing I have makes me feel strange. I am embarrassed of the mess and my things, why do I have a lavender PJ top, why do I have a basket of vitamins? It's horrifying, what if someone came over and saw my dresser drawers not pushed closed? I don't cook. The kids have realized they have hands and are making sandwiches, the "kids" who are late teenagers. But I ALWAYS cook for them. Even after surgery, no matter what I make them meals.

It's a very weird mood, HannahOne. This is a weird one. I usually am familiar with my moods and thinking and know things to do. This must be a migraine phenomenon. Or a really weird flashback triggered by I have no idea what. Mortified, alienated, frustrated, hopeless, feeling like my entire life is a failure, feeling uncared for and bitter about it, wanting to run away. What is that?

Weirdly during the trauma time I rarely remember feeling hopeless. I had so much hope, plans. It's only now out of the trauma that I sometimes feel... like nothing will work, like it's unbearable and pointless. During the trauma time I more felt rage. Never felt it was pointless. Always had a plan. Something about the post-trauma is harder, because... you have to be in the present, you're not living for a future. To an extent, I don't quite know how to be in the present. When the present is painful and there's no future to run to, I don't really know how to cope. I keep telling myself it's just a migraine, not the end of the world. Right now I feel scared I'll never reconnect with my life, never feel I'm in the right place with the right people, never feel like I inhabit myself again. But I'm sure I will.

Maybe I'm having some depersonalization/derealization. Usually if I have that, it's a brief episode like a minute here or there. But it can last longer. A migraine triggers weird aura, weird taste. Maybe those weird sensations triggered DP DR. Sometimes when beaten I would get a headache, if I was hit in the head. I had a "robot" part that wears a helmet, and sees things in black and white bits and bytes of data. Very derealized and depersonalized. Maybe I Feel beaten, and depersonalized, disconnected from my basket of vitamins, my rabbit, my people, my PJ top, my life. That's something robot does is detach from everything, so as to feel less pain. Looks at things only logically and if you look at my life logically it is a bit of a puzzle right now, I'm in a transition, between roles as kids grow up and leave, as I close ny business and try other jobs, as I get my health straightened out in an uncertain future for my body, as I decide about my marriage, as I look for a new therapist.... From robot's view that's all an illogical embarrassment, I don't have my stuff together right now. Robot would be frustrated with the lack of plan, focus and execution. Robot doesn't want "care," but after being beaten I did want care. So that might be another part. And then despair was present, although I had hopes and plans, I did lie on the green carpet afterward and feel black despair. That's another part. Hating the carpet, hating my wallpaper, hating myself, hating everything. And I did think about running away, I often mentally packed a suitcase, sometimes actually packed it. Never got more than a block away as a little kid. Always walked back in the dark. Sigh. Is this whole mood a flashback? Because my head is pounding?

Too bad the helmet seems not to be migraine proof.

I am so frustrated because I need to sleep. I have to be back at the hospital at 9 am for tests. I have to get up in five hours. I took sleeping meds and they're not working. I hope by morning the last of the medicine will be out of my system. The shot worked for almost 24 hours. I can't believe it didn't totally knock it out. The oncologist is calling in a different medicine for next week. I hope it's just this medicine caused a severe migraine and that tomorrow or the next day I'll feel more comfortable in my life and skin again. And things will make more sense.

things make a little more sense now. I'm having a terrible mood because the migraine is causing me to have some flashback. But things are fine.

Thanks for listening, All of You. I feel a little better. I think I'm just exhausted with a migraine and having some flashback. Makes more sense than that my life is actually a horrific problem I have to escape. Because I know just a few days ago, things made more sense. I have to put my eye mask back on and lie in the quiet dark. I will think of foods, animals, and countries that start with each letter of the alphabet so I don't ruminate. And hope by the time I finish those, I am asleep.