Living As All of Me

[TheBigBlue]

 

 

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, ZenRacer, Sanmagic7, Ran, Marcine, TheBigBlue, thank you all for reading and commenting.

Celebrate HannahOne,come on!  Ceeeelebraaaation!!

I just had the PT come to my house. He's a man I've been working with for fifteen years. It was not scary. AND I'm going to keep making progress. I'm discharged from PT so I need some accountability, structure and most of all guidance on what to do. I'm easily injured because of my condition. I'm so happy. I am cutting some other expenses to pay for it. I'm going to meet with him every other week and see how strong I can get. I was worried I would just go back to bed once PT ended but now I've ensured I won't. And I have very good mat and stability exercises to do at home. I only have to go to the gym two days a week now because I can do these functional things at home. I guess I never thought I'd be able to afford such a thing, or have a man in my house and not be afraid, or even do exercises LOL. Take care of myself. Have the time. Never thought I'd be a human among humans doing human things humanly. I am a human being just like all the other human beings.

Lately I've been more and more disturbed about how human beings are being treated. And more and more wanting to give money or time or energy to help. Not sure yet how to do that.

The house is empty and clean. The dog is on her back on the couch, beak hanging off the cushion, all four feet in the air. It's a bright sunny day. I feel at peace. I'm savoring this feeling while it's here. All quiet inside. I'm in sync with time. I'm in this place here and now. I'm in the flow of events and happenings and all creatures great and small carrying on their lives unknowing of me, me unknowing of them. I'm middle aged. I made it here with All of Me. All looking around, taking it in. It was once just a dream, to get here and now. Now it's real. Being in sync with time is an awesome feeling.

With my last therapist I was just beginning to love who I was with her. In the room. When we ended I was unsure if or how I would be able to take it out of the room. How to love myself without her. I've been gently lightly experimenting with it. Can I look at myself with a caring gaze, and be curious about what it's like to be seen by caring eyes? A little unconditional positive regard? Can I respect myself? Can I assume good intent of myself? Can I be curious about my struggles and not panic or judge immediately? Can I assume basic worth?

Maybe. A little. Here and there. More and more.

[zen_racer]

I will respond more when I'm not at work, but     


Sounds like all great things!
 

[sanmagic7]

        you deserve every bit of celebration, hannah1.  it all sounds wonderful!  and all those things you questioned at the end will, i believe, come to be.  that mirror will be showing the face of someone you can admire, be proud of, and enjoy.  yay!  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Whoop, whoop, HannahOne! Yay for a good PT who comes to the house. I wouldn't be without mine. Well done for making sure your PT can continue.     

[HannahOne]

ZenRacer, SanMagic7, NarcKiddo, thank you. San, thank you for the image of the mirror. You have a way of collecting the image from my words and reflecting it back and I treasure that. The images carry me for a bit. I collect them. The dream sweeping broom, the blanket, the mirror.

I would like to learn to do that for others.

I'm off to camp. I'm feeling nervous. I don't want to go. LOL. I want to stay home with my dog. I love to travel but never want to go when it's time. I'm afraid of the crowd, people won't like me, I'll feel awkward, I'll be jumpy from slamming doors, I'll be hot/cold/uncomfrotable/hungry/tired. That's an EF for sure, growing up was always hot/cold as we didn't use heat and had no AC, was always hungry, always tired from interrupted sleep. The rest is probably an EF too, growing up I felt like an alien everywhere I went, but that' because of the trauma and secrets I was carrying. I don't carry my stuff that way anymore. I have it organized into internal file folders and museums. So All of Me can go into the world as Me. Who I really am. The one it all happened to and the one who's here now. Come on, HannahOne. Get up, get dressed, finish packing. Starting with breakfast for the hungry ones. And I'm bringing blankets and a fan. And I know how to socialize and make friends. I've got this. I can do it. Any part of me who's scared can lean back and watch.

I know what I'm doing. Not every moment will be perfect, but this is good for me to do and I have a purpose for being there, I want to learn more about the surgery, meet people who've done it, and get support. Parts of me don't want to go because it's coming out... it makes the surgery real.

Ah. Ok. I get it. And, it's important to come out and not carry this alone like I carried the trauma. The best thing I've done in a decade was join this forum. Come out. So this camp will also be good. It's not good to hide the truth, not good to pretend. I get that I dont' want my kids to know right now and I get that I don't want people in my small town to know. But I also have only told one friend. I told the forum and OOTS friends. But overall IRL, no one knows and I'm living like it's not real. That has to change. It's scary to take delivery of reality. And, I can do it. Reality bites but it also purrs and I will meet it with All of Me. Reality is tough sometimes, but I'm tough too. And I have what I need, money, time, insurance. I'm not a helpless child without a quarter who can't even use the phonebook or get to a payphone. I have the Internet!

I'm an adult and I can do this. and I will. and I bet I'll have fun. I'm going to look for moments to have fun. To let go. to be in the moment. I'm signed up for dance classes galore, kayaking, an open mic reading for poetry and there's a campfire... I have my rave outfit! for the rave party at the end. I'm probably gonna go topless LOL. I'm going to party like it's 1999. I'm going to be a girl just wanting to have fun. I'm going to jump jump jump, LOL. I'm going to live while I'm alive. Nothing else matters.

[NarcKiddo]

Have a wonderful time! 

[zen_racer]

Indeed.  Have a great time!  I went to camp a lot as a boyscout.  The heat/cold does happen, along with insects and such.  But from camp, it was always the good memories that stuck.