Ran's journey

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I'm not sure how I am standing. It's a complete miracle while also having born weak.

Ran, I hear your struggle. It sounds very hard... and very familiar. I agree there is something "miraculous" in your story. That you are still fighting and living shows the power of your resilience. When one part of us is weak, another part compensates with strength.

From what you describe, I would agree that your symptoms are neurological. And it seems clear it comes from trauma.

This is the condition we are in and must try to understand and grow through. It's hard, but I believe it's not impossible (most days :-)

Finding health and balance after trauma is the hardest thing we can face.

Sending love and support.
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[Ran]

I haven't written here for a very long time.

Honestly I have been doing a lot of reflection.

I can't undo my past, but I can break the generational trauma patterns, so all of this would stop with me.

I also deal with my chronic illnesses that make this all harder. I have HEDS - Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and DiGeorge Syndrome.

For so long I have lived under immense pressure from my dad and his side of the family and dealt with different kind of pressure from my mom's side of the family. That pressure alone almost disabled me fully. They wanted to control me and erase my core self, that was too much for them to handle, but they couldn't. They made me into a caregiver, but they couldn't make me into their servant. My rebellious and wild soul isn't made to be restricted.

Trauma is stored within the body. Your body truly does keep the score.

I lived under control, fear and neglect while being physically fragile and sensitive kid who had her own needs that just simply were never fullfilled. There was no substance and no one teached me how to deal with strong emotions.

I don't plan on keeping my core self under wraps much longer. I'm possibly nonbinary, but I will let my genderfluidity be around as I want to embrace myself fully.

I will be opening that heavy door that I was scared of.