Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[TheBigBlue]

It stood out to me that not only did the barking become less triggering, but that the connection stayed with you after the conversation had ended.

I really like this observation. 💛

That feels like a tiny glimpse of earned secure attachment: borrowing someone else's regulation until, little by little, it becomes your own.

It also gives me hope that even very old neural pathways can change through repeated experiences of safe connection.

[Desert Flower]

Hey SO, just stopping by for a bit if I may (please let me know if you don't like it). I read your post about the dog and it sounds great to experiece connection and support like that. It really helps. I wish you lots of good luck in your journey. Take care and big hugs.

[SenseOrgan]

Thanks friends. More response later...

Just had another round of spontaneous body movements while sitting in my chair. Extreme contraction in my neck, pulling my head back for many minutes on end. Completely locked in this position. Painful in the muscles. Feet and legs flopping around. A bit of crying. No thoughts, no images. Also happened a couple of days ago. Same stuff that goes on during PSIP. Sure body, take it away. 

The neck thing looks like this, but it stays there in my case. In case the time stamp thing doesn't work, it's at 1.45 min. Could perhaps be triggering to watch.

[Marcine]

Hi SO,
It sounds like you are comfortable and relatively at ease with your experiences in this realm. Did I perceive this accurately?

I watched the video and she describes it as an energy shift. And that she can feel it coming like an impending sneeze.

I'm curious, is it like this for you? Do you feel relief afterwards?

[SenseOrgan]

HannahOne
Thanks a lot for adding your thoughts on this topic. Your experience with other mammals stresses how fundamental it is what happens in humans too, I think. We're social animals, and physical and/or emotionally isolation has a significant impact. That alone alters how something in the outside world is interpreted and experienced. There's no doubt in my mind that this situation would impact me differently if my social life would be thriving. That's complicated.

The more fundamental thing I'm dealing with here is the actual trauma trigger. This robs me of my safe space, because it penetrates the walls of this house. It even goes through my noise canceling headphones. So there's the no escape factor. Plus the not caring about me at all factor. And there's the likelihood of this not stopping any time soon. I've moved house because of this twice within a year. I've been living in a situation like this for nine years straight. In all situations other neighbors also had issues with the noise others caused. So it isn't just me. This is the least bad it's been, because here my direct neighbors are silent. But it's been very rough to deal with this. It's the self centeredness that infuriates me most. And that is not a coincidence. A part of that is appropriate, another part is transference. I'm taking all the action I can in the outside world, and do my utmost not to do anything stupid. That part is taken care off as best as possible. For the remainder I tried EMDR and ignore the trigger as much as possible. Sometimes that works, sometimes it gets completely under my skin.

It was surprising to me the social connection factor had such an impact. At least that one time. It got me thinking, apart from this noise issue. Can I train myself to bring this up? Is that what others perhaps successfully do (without even knowing that they do)? Can I facilitate the connection factor to land more deeply by consciously evoking memories? I must confess that I've never taken this type of exercise very seriously as a treatment for trauma. But this experience has me reconsidering that. Maybe it's only now that I have enough experiences to draw from and the skepsis was part of my trauma matrix. Anyway, my mind links this to Peter Brown's Ideal Parent Figure Protocol (IPFP). I know nothing about that apart from that including imagination, but I know George Haas uses that in his teachings and I hold him in high regard. Haas had a horrific start in life himself. He combines Buddhist teachings and attachment theory. A link to his podcast is in the podcast section somewhere in case anyone is interested. It's called I love you, keep going. Okay, enough rambling. Thanks for being here. 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for posting that video, SO. I am sorry you have to deal with this since you say the muscle spasms are painful.

I am also very sorry that you are still having to deal with the noise trigger. I am noticing that I am having increasing difficulty tolerating loud noises, especially when they start unexpectedly.

 

[SenseOrgan]

NarcKiddo
Thanks for sharing that (#433). This is one of the most devastating aspects of the CRTR for me. Even after finally realizing I became an island I didn't want to be anymore, there was and still is so much in the way of "normally" relating to others. This really is why life is so rough. I'm so grateful I found people like you in this safe haven to help close that gap. Please let us know if your relationship with spiders changes. It's crazy in how many ways trauma shows up, isn't it?

sanmagic7
Well said San. I too believe this is in every aspect of us. At least in those of us for who this started when we were born, or even before. It manifests in a million different ways.

Your absolutely right. The rage needs to be resolved. Unfortunately that goes as deep as my trauma itself. So that makes that the dog issue also goes very deep. Part of the despair that comes up sometimes is understanding this is something that may even take the rest of my life to one degree or another. It's on another level when it happens in your own home. I'm afraid you know the feeling.

Much love


TheBigBlue
A tiny glimpse of earned secure attachment. Your right! I hadn't connected those dots, but that's what it is. And that's what it feels like. Apart from my subjective experience, it's also a neurological reality indeed. Yes that's still possible for us, you included! We're wired for connection. We wouldn't be talking if we weren't.

Desert Flower
Thank you very much for honoring me with a visit. The red carpet is always out for you here! Good luck my friend!

Much love

Marcine
Yes you're correct, I'm okay with it. If anything, I'm intrigued. I don't necessarily frame what happens to me as kundalini, but I know some people call these kriya's, so I hunted down a vid to give you a visual impression. I don't feel them coming a long time before they happen. It's more like it's there all of a sudden. I do however relate to the sneeze analogy. It feels like this is something the body really wants to do, just like sneezing. The ability to suppress it is there in both cases, but doing that would feel not at all like what needs to happen. There's an urge there. It's painful when my muscles contract like that, but it's not something I'm worried about. I can feel a bit of it now. It's interesting thought that as far as I remember I don't get strong aches like after a workout. I'd expect much more considering the intensity and duration of the contraction. I didn't feel different right after, I think. But now you asked, I realized I'm having a really good day. I've felt at peace this morning, and took my time in the garden. It's the next day, and it looks like my sleep hasn't been bad. The dog isn't barking either, so that may be playing into this too. Thanks for checking in. 

NarcKiddo
Thank you (#440). I'm okay my friend. It's painful, but not so much that it's problematic. The noise is a gazillion times harder for me to deal with. Would you say your sensitivity to noise is related to trauma?