Living As All of Me

[sanmagic7]

something I can notice and remember where it comes from, the purpose it used to serve

hannah1, i think this is a wonderful realization, one i can utilize for myself.  our whatever did serve purposes once upon a time, some of them still do.  i think it's a very good idea to understand what those purposes were before we get rid of what doesn't work now.  well, as i rethink that last statement, i'm not so sure.  sometimes the protective device needs to be rid of before we begin looking at what purpose it served - i'm thinking of harmful addictions here.  usually while actively addicted, someone can't really look inward cuz their brain isn't functioning correctly in that moment.

so, there are exceptions to everything, mostly.  but i do think it's important to learn the purpose our behaviors have served in the end.  i think that's what helps us prevent going backwards, and encourages us to keep moving forward. just my own opinion. love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

Thinking of you and sending support! 

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, TheBigBlue, NarcKiddo than you so much for commenting and reading, and for the support and reflection. It's very helpful to have other people to bounce thoughts off and get new perspectives. I really appreciate your care.

[HannahOne]

I am going to the city again. This time I will take the train and the subway and see how it is. I am nervous. I feel overwhelmed. I also hate mornings, I'm not my best.

My life is changing, I Am changing. That's good, that's something I wanted. I was living with my feet half over the edge for five years. It took nine months to get my feet on solid ground and another six to step back. I'm now a good few feet from the edge. And I want to keep walking away from the edge and toward.... something. But what? I've been disoriented. I've struggled to find a direction, so struggled to move with momentum and purpose.

I'm feeling a bit more oriented. I want to move toward my partner. He has made a lot of changes lately. There was nothing terribly wrong before, he was just not as present as I wanted, not challenging himself in the relationship, and not doing as much as I wanted. But he was working very hard to support us, and giving me the space I had seemed to want.

Moving toward my partner feels good to All of Me.

With this direction, things are a little more clear. What kind of job I want. What else I want in my life.

I have offloaded about half the housework I was doing to the kids, partner, and a home helper since my partner has physical disability. I am more freed up and in less pain and less tired.  Just having the kids load their own dishes into the dishwasher is a big help. Things feel more balanced and fair with everyone contributing.

I have been painting for seven years. There is a workshop next week. I am interested that I don't want to do it. The meaning behind it has changed for me.

I no longer believe what I used to believe. I no longer believe in god. And alllllllllllll the stuff that goes with that. The necessity, the demands, the guilt, the control, the limits.

I no longer feel even the need or guilt to speak to or relate to my family. And all that goes with that. The limits and fears and guilt. Survivor guilt, separation guilt.

I am understanding better what I need to feel safe.

With my partner I am understanding better why I chose him and what still matters about that. And why he chose me. And what still matters about that. And how we can recreate that bubble of safety. Within which we can have fun and excitement and explore and have peace.

Growing up I wanted love. I loved my dog and my dog loved me. We ate a lot of kibble together. Not much eye contact, but a lot of snuggling.

I knew what love was not. I knew what kind of love my abusers were showing me. I found good love in friends, my partner, and looked for it everywhere.

The last five years a lot went wrong, most of it not in my control, the world went through a pandemic. I became extremely afraid, disoriented, frozen, shut down.

Reorienting toward love is making my life make sense again. It's not so much "I found love" as much as "love is my purpose." "Love is what I want." "Love is what I want to be." Connection, devotion, dance of attachment, orientation.

It can sound very abstract I suppose, but I can't share the details. The details are hard to describe anyway, unless you're a poet, which I once was but lost the words. It's more a posture toward, an openness, and vulnerability. Keeping it real.

One example I can share is I decided to tell my partner my history. We've been together 32 years. Wild I never did, but it makes perfect sense to me why I did not. I decided it was now or never, I might as well, if not now, when? What did I have to lose at this point. Obviously he knew the outlines and had seen the flashbacks, suffering, he paid the therapy bills for 30 years. I had just never told him in words the what, how. We will see how all that shakes out, how he handles it. But it changed something in me. And it changed us, too.

I recently started trying to read and listen to poetry again. Andrea Gibson is one poet that has been speaking to me. I typically don't like spoken word, but their work became all about love. They died not long ago and I have been devouring their substance about love with their partner Meg. Here are Andrea's thoughts about loving oneself. I highly recommend their work. https://andreagibson.substack.com/p/how-to-love-yourself-forgiveness-beyond-self-love

[sanmagic7]

hannah1, i agree, it's all about love. not only for others but for ourselves as well.  so glad you're moving toward your H again - it sounds like a wonderful choice of direction.

i think, when it's age appropriate, that it's a good thing for our kids to learn things they'll need to know once they get out on their own.  i was completely unprepared, and it made for some very undesirable circumstances with roommates.  i taught my girls how to wash their clothes when they were 13, started giving them some of those responsibilities so they wouldn't be going into the world w/o some knowledge of the basics.  i saw too many white shirts become pink while in college cuz kids didn't know to separate whites from colors.  especially the guys. 

glad you're being able to keep stepping back from that edge.  progress.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Sharing your history is a big step. Be gentle with yourself and him if necessary while it all shakes out. I'm glad you have got to a stage where you felt able to do that.