Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

TheBigBlue  Thank you so much for reading. I am glad we are on the journey together.

[HannahOne]

What I want to remember about today is owning my feelings. A three hour drive (and at these prices for gas!) with music and crying. I feel so much more connected to myself. To All of Me. Not just one part.

It feels strange.

I feel more in my body. I can feel the inside of myself. I am making contact with me.

And with other people. Other people are hard! It's not easy for me. Some relationships are much easier than others.

The hardest is my partner. Nothing bad to say about the man, he is a good man. I struggle. I truly struggle. After decades together, I struggle.

We went out to eat. Trial date. I felt shy and nervous.  How can that be?!

We had a miscommunication at the grocery store.

Here comes the empty bottle of milk. Here's the empty fridge. Here's the feeling of being a piece of wood.

It's just wild.

This has always been going on... I just didn't notice it this way. I ignored it, fought it, shut it down, pushed through it and did what I thought I should do. If I were someone else. Someone normal.

this is so different. This is me.

These are my feelings.

They have nothing to do with my partner. Or the groceries.

Things with my partner are imperfect. Hello, have you met me? LOL. And he's a whole other person. But he's not an empty fridge.

Relationships are difficult. Relationships are ground zero where it all went down. Relationships, and my body.

Tomorrow starts the series of specialists to take me to the next step. Pulmonologist tomorrow. Cardiologist Wednesday. So * triggering.

Frank is devouring a head of romain lettuce. He eats all the green leafy parts first. Then chomps the white parts. He's very serious about it. It's serious business, survival. Eat to live. He spends at least 12 hours a day eating. Being an herbivore and all it takes a lot of dry hay and lettuce to get enough protein. Not sure how he does it. Well, partly by eating his own poop and redigesting it.  Moving on....

Speaking of digesting old crap. LOL. I am not sure what I want in a relationship. It's 100% clear that no relationship can "heal" me. That no relationship can take away these feelings of mine. Can solve or resolve or absolve me of them.

Relationships could help me grow. Could give me a corrective experience? Could help me learn new paths? Could be fun? I don't really get it, to be honest. 

The relationship with my partner is three decades in. Can anything new, corrective or helpful happen in such worn grooves? Very unsure. Fun? Eh.

In a new relationship, would I show up differently? Unsure, but doubtful. Still so much fear. Mistrust. And still feel like my picker isn't so good. I got lucky with my partner, overall.

Sp what is it that I want when I want to be in a partnership?

There's no nirvana, no samsara. No ultimate safety, security. Maybe a better question is, how can I be in a relationship? How to be, when it's messy, when I'm me, when I'm complex because I have complex PTSD, when I have all this baggage, all these feelings. Wherever I go, there I will be.

I don't know. I am aiming to find out in the weeks and months ahead.

But tomorrow, the body.