Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

It could be, I've had trauma therapists call it "The Empire Strikes Back" in relation to whatever method being used to work with trauma. So when you get onto EMDR, it doesn't mean that the hangover, boomerang effect or whatever will be worse than what you're experiencing now. Because you / your system is learning to deal with it now. That'll help you in the future.

Thank you, Blueberry.  I've felt so disregulated the last few days, but it's subsiding.  It's been so weird.  For the day I had that presentation at work, I could tell I was feeling some kind of emotion, a lot.  Some big emotion.  But it was so foreign, I couldn't put a name to it.  I felt discombobulated.  I think I love that word for this.

One of the people I've talked with about this recently is a woman I've met.  I wasn't trying to get into dating anyone, and I've been upfront about being on a journey of self improvement and in therapy.  She's validated everything I've told her and been very supportive.  I felt safe enough that I opened up to her about what I'm dealing with, and how new it is for me.  She's also been working on issues with cptsd for a couple years.  I'm cautioning myself, because if anything is going to start, I want to approach it in a way to encourage a healthy attachment, and I may still need to figure out or learn what that is.

Maybe it's time to learn that I'm not alone, or at least don't have to be to still be safe. ... Wow, that hit home in a way I didn't expect.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, yes, there can be an aftermath w/ EMDR, including weird dreams.  from what i understand, it's the brain re-configuring itself.  EMDR helps the brain release old ties that bind and begin to function w/o them.  (I'm a retired EMDR therapist, this is what i learned from the trainings.)  it's a normal process and does settle down.  but, agreed, i believe it is best to be done w/ a therapist.  we don't know how deep any of our trauma has reached into our brains/minds, and having someone w/ experience helping us with this is always recommended.  i've had experience w/ how dangerous it can be by having a seizure once during processing on my own.  live and learn.

best to you with your weight issues/worries.  i hope that gets resolved very soon.  mine goes the other way, but i've seen dramatic weight loss w/ my daughter due to anxiety.  the results from that were not good, either.  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

 

[zen_racer]

hey, ZR, yes, there can be an aftermath w/ EMDR, including weird dreams.  from what i understand, it's the brain re-configuring itself.  EMDR helps the brain release old ties that bind and begin to function w/o them.  (I'm a retired EMDR therapist, this is what i learned from the trainings.)  it's a normal process and does settle down.  but, agreed, i believe it is best to be done w/ a therapist.  we don't know how deep any of our trauma has reached into our brains/minds, and having someone w/ experience helping us with this is always recommended.  i've had experience w/ how dangerous it can be by having a seizure once during processing on my own.  live and learn.

best to you with your weight issues/worries.  i hope that gets resolved very soon.  mine goes the other way, but i've seen dramatic weight loss w/ my daughter due to anxiety.  the results from that were not good, either.  love and hugs

Thank you SanMagic.      If I had weird dreams, that would be a bonus.  I literally never have dreams anymore, for a very long time.  I hope they come back eventually.  I fully agree, and won't try anything until I see the therapist on Monday, and after that only what he tells me is safe.  I watched a video on emdr sessions this morning, and they said the same thing.  But they did say that you can safely use bilateral stimulation at home just using it for reinforcing positive things, I think with affirmations.  I think that's odd, because that's what I was doing.  That said, I know how I felt doing the positive affirmations, and the reaction I had before from even just writing "It's okay to choose myself" ... which I'm still having a reaction to writing, apparently.  So maybe I need to begin where I don't have any negativity associated with caring about myself and being positive towards myself.

I'm so dead that I came home early and I'm going to take a nap.  I'll eventually go check out everyone else's journal when I have the capacity later.

Love and hugs! 

[NarcKiddo]

So maybe I need to begin where I don't have any negativity associated with caring about myself and being positive towards myself.

That strikes me as a good observation.
 

[zen_racer]

So maybe I need to begin where I don't have any negativity associated with caring about myself and being positive towards myself.

That strikes me as a good observation.
 

Thank you NK.   

I should maybe ask my T how to get to where I can be caring with myself and show myself compassion without having negative reactions to it.  I think my visit with my T this monday is going to be an interesting one.  He had me email him that letter I wrote, and I also sent a copy of that journal entry I wrote detailing my experience with accidentally doing the emdr.  I'm guessing we'll have a lot to talk about.  I want to ask him what the plan is so far, and what we need to do as the first step.  I'm fine if we have to keep doing what we've been doing to prepare me or develop a trusting relationship before tackling bigger issues, but I also want to know what we're working towards.

Yesterday is the first day I've felt better since that emdr hangover had started.  Aside from a very great lack of sleep, I felt pretty good.  I felt great after I went home from work early and took a nap (I had well over 40 hours for the week, and only left 1 hour early).

I'm going on a first date tonight.  I'm already trying to quell the overthinking.  This time it just feels different though.  I'm not nervous about trying to impress someone for a first date.  I'm excited about getting to go on a first date with someone that's already made me feel safe enough to open up to.  Someone that has made me feel safe enough to be myself and show my sense of humor without fear of judgement.

-- Maybe I do understand what safety is outside of physical safety, and I'm just used to being around people that never let me feel safe.  Okay, wait a second.  Maybe I'm just an idiot here.  All this talk in general on this forum, and surrounding everything related to trauma, about feeling safe.  Is safety an emotion we feel?  Have I had trouble with this simply because I've been so emotionally numb?

************ Edited to add the following
No, safety isn't just an emotion we feel, according to AI search engine results.

Safety in trauma recovery is best understood as a visceral, physiological state of regulation rather than a simple emotion or cognitive belief.  While people often describe feeling "safe" as an internal sensation, it is fundamentally a neurobiological shift where the nervous system moves from a state of threat detection (fight, flight, or freeze) to a state of calm connection.

Physiological Basis vs. Emotional Experience
Neuroception: Safety is sensed by the body's autonomic nervous system through a process called neuroception, which is an unconscious assessment of whether the environment is safe, dangerous, or life-threatening. It is not just a thought ("I am safe") but a bodily reality; when unsafe, the heart rate increases, hearing sharpens, and the body prepares for survival responses.
Vagal States: In therapeutic contexts, feeling safe is linked to the ventral vagal state, where the nervous system relaxes enough to allow for higher-order thinking, emotional regulation, and social connection.  Conversely, trauma survivors often remain stuck in sympathetic (fight/flight) or dorsal vagal (shutdown/freeze) states, meaning they may be physically secure but neurologically unsafe.

Psychological and Relational Dimensions
Internal vs. External Safety: True safety involves both external security (a physical environment free from harm) and internal regulation (the ability to self-soothe and tolerate emotional distress).  A person can be in a physically safe home yet feel psychologically unsafe if their nervous system is still bracing for past threats.
Foundational for Healing: Safety is considered the first breakthrough in trauma recovery because the brain cannot process traumatic memories or integrate new experiences while in a state of hypervigilance.  It is a prerequisite for trust, vulnerability, and the capacity to engage with life without fear.

In summary, safety is not merely an emotion like happiness or anger, but a foundational state of being that integrates bodily regulation, environmental security, and relational trust.  It is the absence of perceived threat that allows the human system to rest, connect, and heal.