Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

I think the anesthesia from her scan today is not worn off.

My younger dog had all manner of life saving interventions when he was a young dog but he was inpatient for that so I never saw the aftermath of the anaesthesia. But when both dogs were older they needed dentals and those were done under anaesthesia. The older one was ten at the time and he was pretty weird for about 24 hours. He looked like he was drunk, actually. I don't know if dogs feel nauseous from anaesthesia - I know I do and maybe they get that too.

The beginning of the end is a tough time to navigate. Everyone in my pug community was adamant that I would know when they'd had enough. I didn't believe them, but they were right. When you have a close and loving relationship with your dog, and are prepared to put their comfort before your own desire to keep them with you, then you will do right by them, I promise you. You may know this already - I'm not clear if you've had a dog between your childhood one and your current one. So forgive me if I'm banging on about stuff you already know.

I'm sorry you were triggered at PT and again at therapy. It stands to reason, given all the other stuff going on for you right now.

 

[Blueberry]

Narckiddo, thank you for the kind comment. I think we found a way forward. I know this is the beginning of the end, we will see how we can shape the ending into something decent for the dog.

Sending good thoughts for you and your dog. I love that you sat on the sand with her at the beach just sniffing since she couldn't run.

I imagine you will know and feel what is right for her and when, even if you're heart-broken. I always was.

[HannahOne]

Thank you NarcKiddo and Blueberry for the support about my dog.

TW pets, loss

It's so hard to make decisions. She can't tell me what she wants, I can only go by signs. With the medicine, she'll still eat. She wags her tail low. She will walk about a block, slowly. She wants to be near. She picks her head up if we call her. So seems like not quite done yet.

Hoping she can get through two more days and do the surgery. It may be that we call it while she's under, if they get in there and it's worse than it looked. No point in waking her in pain only to put her to sleep again. So will say goodbye before surgery. If she goes into distress we'll have to take her in sooner.

I'm getting no sleep because she's up a lot at night , needs to go out at all hours. It's cute to see her trolling around slowly in the backyard by moonlight, slow as molasses, sniffing the air and looking around. But I'm getting run down.

I will be lost without her. She's been my best friend, closer even than Frank because she sleeps with me. We've been together nonstop for six years now. The house will be so quiet without her nails click clicking on the floor. So sad, so sudden.

I feel slow and far away, my jaw hurts, I Feel heavy. Just trying to get through to know what's going to be the outcome I guess.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Blueberry]

 

[HannahOne]

Thank you NarcKiddo and blueberry for reading.

My dog is in surgery. By the end of this post I will have heard from the surgeon. It was a very hard week. She was up every hour all night. She wanted to go out. Ok. But then she wanted to walk around. Ok. She can't run, so no need for a leash. So it's 3 am and we're wandering the streets, I'm following along behind. As if it were 3 in the afternoon. Surreal, adorable, funny, tiring. But hey whatever she wants. This may be it, so enjoy. I will remember her in the moonlight, green eyes glowing, head and tail low, looking back to make sure I'm following on this mystery errand when everyone else is asleep.

TW food issues

I've been looking over my journal and considering my goals. For therapy I also am ready to find some kind of focus. I also want a little bit of accountability. The place I want to put energy is food. I struggle to eat. I undereat by a significant amount and I don't eat on a schedule. I eat mostly after dark. It's not healthy. It's part of what's raising my cholesterol. It's making my bones osteopenic. The doctor told me there's no point in taking calcium if I'm not eating any protein and no point in taking cholesterol meds if I don't reduce overall inflammation. It's not good emotionally either. I keep getting ulcers but don't have h pylori and my guts are unpredictable. My stomach hurts most of the time. And I like that feeling of stomach ache. Feeling empty feels strong somehow. Well, it's a feeling that isn't an emotion. It's a sensation I Can feel when I'm shut down emotionally.

I've always had some struggles to eat. I think it got worse again this year with health stuff. It's been better in the past and I can make it better again.

Not eating is the best way for me to shut down. Psychologically it also gives me a feeling of strength and not needing anything. Those are two strong motivators. I'm not sure how to shift them.

No one knows about it, no one notices. I've never made it a thing. It's just how I live and it was fine, until I got to be this age and it's less and less fine. I can't run on adrenaline anymore. The only thing people notice is that when I do eat I eat very fast. Probably partly because I'm very hungry! Lately having to report what and when I eat to various doctors has been embarrassing. At 1 pm I have a yogurt. And? And... that's it. And dinner? Um, dinner. Well at 8 pm I might have a piece of toast and some oatmeal. Or hummus and carrots. No breakfast? Nope. Sometimes for dinner I have lentil soup! That's good right?

I feel no good at food. I learned how to cook for my family and I made breakfasts with eggs and sausage and fruit, packed three lunches every day for 20 years, that's about 16,000 lunches. In bento boxes with a dip, veggies, fruit, cheese, crackers, and a treat. Mozerella and tomato sandwiches on focaccia with grapes, bell pepper strips and a cookie. Thermos full of ravioli with salad, dressing packed separately. Peanut butter and banana sandwich on toast with an apple and a cheese stick. Turkey and Swiss cheese on a bagel with mayo and tomato, tangerine and chips. So many lunches. And I made dinner every night for fifteen years. Sweet potato and chicken pot pie. Lasagne. Pot roast. Burritos with beans and rice and tomamto and lettuce and avocado and lime. Pesto vegetables over pasta. So many dinners. and I bought all the food, hauling around the cart and two babies, The toddler in the seat of the cart, holding the baby with one arm as they nursed mostly discreetly, pushing the cart with the other hand, up this aisle, down that. Taking things off the conveyer belt as the money added up, we'll get more ketchup next week, skip the potatoes this week....

So much food.

I ate dinner with the kids. I ate something I made. But I wasn't really free to eat until I was by myself. I tried to model healthy food experiences. We did Ellen Satter's division of responsibility method. I decided when and where to eat, at meal and snack times, at the table. the kids decided what and how much. I put lots of food on the table family style, deconstructed. They could choose. If one kid wanted plain pasta and broccoli and the other wanted pasta with sauce and meatballs, fine. If one kid just wanted bread and broccoli, fine. Whatever they wanted, however much. When meal time is over, it's over until the next one. When they were little it was always a snack between meals, at the table, whatever they wanted and however much from the choices on the table. Always cheese, always crackers, always pretzels. always grapes or apples or pears, always celery or carrots or peppers or cucumbers. I one kid wanted ten slices of cheese, fine. If one kid only wanted grapes and cucumbers, fine.

It seemed simple for them. It's so hard for me. I feel like I'm all thumbs or my hands are balloons. I can' possibly choose what to eat and how much. Let alone enforce when and where.

The table is toxic for me. I ate at it with the kids but I really only eat alone in a room with the door closed.

My way of eating is so ingrained I feel hopeless to change it. I also feel motivated to change it. I want to pay more attention to this essential life task and it would help my health. I'm also embarrassed of the way I eat. And I don't get much pleasure out of it. If I'm not paying attention, within a week I'll be only eating yogurt and oatmeal. It's very hard to eat varied, very hard to eat on time, and impossible to eat very often.

I associate it with shame. Hiding. Not enough. Hurrying.

It's like "put your head down and work, rest later." It's a feeling of putting off, denying, I'll be safe when I just get this done, and this done... I can relax after this and that... not eating can create a kind of hyper focus that allows me to get a lot done. And that used to be very important to me. Not so much now.

But most of all, I don't feel safe to eat because eating leaves me open to emotions. And in this way, I'm still avoiding emotions.

I've done so much work and come so far in having feelings. I can cry now. I can even cry in front of other people. I can tell when I'm angry and say so. I can feel joy.

I'm hoping I can work with this part of me and learn a new way to relate to food, and a new way to feel safe with my feelings.

I've had the most success when I'm on a rigid schedule, someone else prepares the food, and I'm eating in community. so at camp, I eat so well. In part because I come in hungry because of "where and when" being decided for me. Everyone eats together. Sometimes that's hard and I take my food and hide. But often eating together takes the pressure off, I'm not thinking so much about it. I was in a religious community where we ate in silence. That was wonderful, all eating together but no talking. I also love when other people cook for me. I love going down a cafeteria line and choosing.

I can stick to a schedule. Meal prepping more would probably help, I'd feel I have more choices and like someone cared for me. It would be "earlier me" who cared to meal prep but that's fine. And maybe I need distraction while I eat. I don't know about that part. I am mostly alone.

There's one other obstacle and that's worry about what's healthy to eat. I react to a lot of food. I never feel great. My stomach often hurts. I've done so many diets to try to help my conditions. I've been put on SCD, GAPS, FODMAP, and KETO. I've been put on a vegetarian diet, told to eat Mediterranean style. I've eaten nothing but meat and eggs and greens for two years, and I've lived on lentils and rice for months. Choosing what meals to prep, what to buy is going to be difficult. That's part of why I default to oatmeal and yogurt. Food feels unsafe. Lentils are good for fiber but high in lectin! Meat is good for protein but high in cholesterol! Chicken is good protein but only if organic! Yogurt is good for bacteria but whey protein is allergenic! Eat more vegetables, but not the ones with lectins, and not the nightshades, and not the ones with polysaccharide! Be gluten free, you have autoimmune disease! But don't eat too much starch! No grains at all!

Today the doctor gave me yet another try at SCD. Ok. Ok fine. I know how to do it. I'm just not sure it's emotionally healthy. I wish I could eat whatever I wanted. I'm sad I can't just eat lasagna and have my body be happy. I also know I wouldn't eat lasagna, I'd be grossed out by the meat.

The surgeon hasn't called and I'm at the end of my post. I will update once I hear. In the meantime, I've taken a stab at confronting and understanding some of my difficulties with food. Like my clothes project, I want to put energy toward this. I want to make it mine. My clothes. My food. I want to have fun with it. I want to learn. I want to get into the sensory aspects of it, the colors, tastes, styles of food, what they mean energetically. What it means to be alive: to put on clothes, to eat food. These are the basics. Here I am at square one.

[HannahOne]

Dog made it thru surgery and will see how much good time she can get from it. I will see her tomorrow!

[Hope67]

Hi Hannah,
I have been thinking about you and your dog, over this stressful time, and I'm glad to hear that you will get to see her tomorrow.  Sending you both gentle hugs   

[NarcKiddo]

Dog made it thru surgery and will see how much good time she can get from it. I will see her tomorrow!

I'm glad. Wishing her a smooth recovery and both of you many happy times to come.

[Blueberry]

Glad your dog made it through surgery! Healing vibes to her and support to you!

[HannahOne]

blueberry, Hope67, NarcKiddo, thank you for the well wishes for the dog! I really appreciate it. I am trying to notice people caring. Two other friends also cared. It's easy when grieving for me to feel alone.

I am picking her up tonight, she need another day. I'm hoping it's manageable for both of us. The grief is really flattening. Grief is a specific thing. For me it makes me deeply bone tired, dampened, and can't feel my arms. Hard to think. So tired. When I see her again I'm hoping she'll be doing well and the grief will recede. I know this is the beginning of the end but we all need a more gradual goodbye and for her sake I would love for her to have some good weeks or months. As it was I'm not sure she had a few more days. The surgeon is quite proud of himself and sent me a photo of him walking her outside the hospital. This made me chuckle. It took twice along as planned, he couldn't close as he planned and had to get another surgeon in, he needed four hands on. Then finally the anesthesiologist told him he had to get out, she'd been under too long. so he didn't get to take the lymph nodes. It's always complex, unexpected consequences. But I couldn't let her go without knowing if a surgery could be curative. And you don't know until you're in there, the scans just don't show everything. It was a bit worse than we thought, surgery alone won't be curative. But she gets more good time I hope. She wouldn't eat, so he went and got her fast food chicken nuggets. She knows what those are!

I went to the city therapist today and on the subway suddenly we were above ground. Huh? Beautiful city going by. Shadows, light, stripes of light on bridges, triangles and circles of green, gray, red... beautiful. But what the what? How did we get above ground? I. missed my stop. Had to get off the subway, go to the other platform, go back. I had just been thinking how confident I was becoming, not hyper vigilant, not watching the window all the time, not checking online to sync up the stops... haha. I was late.

I think part of me planned to be late because last week I overheard two therapists talking about "an awkward session." and I didn't want to be in the waiting room today. Ok fine. Mission accomplished!

I feel the therapist makes all the right moves. I started today giving her more of a picture of me. Time to get to know me and a little of my language, story.

gearing up to shift my eating. To wake more with the sun, go to bed earlier. Blue light glasses. Bought some squash, lol. Sigh. Squash and meat, yay. Being more in a rhythm will help me. Getting my body and mind on the same schedule, in the same place and the same time is a little stressful. I live perpetually jet lagged in a way. Feels safer. It's a little scary to get everything all synced up. But I can feel my body needs it. My stomach hurts all the time---I'm always hungry, it's always empty. And it hurts when I eat, in part because what I'm eating isn't the best. I need simpler more whole food. And a schedule is good, my body never knows if I'm going to sleep or supposed to be awake, when the next meal will be, it's very dysregulating. I am curious to try this shift. And a little nervous.

The rest of the week is more PT, a doctor's appointment, maybe some painting, and dog care. I spent some good time with Frank yesterday. Time moves and moves in increments of loss. He will be gone before I know it! He's a special guy. He could hate people. but he's so emotionally available. He wants to connect. And he's very much himself. Big hind feet. He has his boundaries. And, he's a lover. If you groom him, he will groom you back and he's diligent about it. He wants to be a friend.