Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I was hoping to do a blog post tonight but...I have been having such a severe attack of Toxic Shame that I feel exhausted by it. Its so hard currently to find understanding and compassion for myself to offset it. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for seemingly weirdo behaviour from decades ago....the memories just keep attacking me. I wish it would stop. I wish I had had the support and guidance and love and care at the time that I could have had a healthy sense of self who spearheaded my actions instead of floundering and acting out of desperation and hopelessness and misguided fantasy thinking....I wish, I wish, I wish. I'm so sad at all of this and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm angry at myself for not having known everything about everything from a young age to not have ended up like this and angry at myself now for not healing enough to get past this.
Its so hard. Today is a tough day.
The past few days were hard too. 3 days at work where I felt tired, drained and irritable. Lots of people asking me for things from all directions and I ended up snapping at a senior, which may or may not come back to bite me.

I wish I could just be away from myself at the moment, this is so hard