Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Thank you for sharing that, NK.  It helps knowing that I'm not alone in that, and that it might be more normal than I would think.  I'm sorry that you're dealing with one of those elephants as well. 

Both my cat and me fully endorse the giggling at him enjoying the open counters!

I'm feeling sicker, and my temperature is up by about 1.5 degrees F.  Not feeling super horrible, but the cold is annoying.  I've been so tired.

I had someone text me a song today, saying that it made them think of me.  It was a song titled "Don't be so hard on yourself".  I'm confident that it was sent with good intentions, and was related to something we had discussed while talking previously.  My first reaction was to try to argue that I wasn't that hard on myself, but very quickly realized that it was something we had both known was true.  What struck me was that she hasn't known me super long, which made it sink in a little bit that I must be harder on myself than I realize if it's that obvious.

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, sorry to hear you're not feeling well - hope that blows over soon.  on top of everything else we're dealing w/, being ill seems to compound it, at least for me.

'don't be so hard on yourself - when i first read that, the thought 'that's kind of universal', especially for anyone who's had any kind of self-help/recovery under their belts.  not only is it something they probably practice, but also understand too many of us ARE hard on ourselves.  like recognizes like, kind of thing. so, i hope you can go easy on yourself - it's not a race.  you're already winning.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

I really hope you feel better soon Zen_Racer.  Be kind to yourself, and sending you a hug 

[zen_racer]

Thank you SanMagic and Hope.  I'm definitely finding it more difficult to be kind to myself right now.  I've been triggered by a few things this evening, and I'm getting defensive, angry, agitated.  I've finally realized that I'm not responding to the current moment any longer.  I guess that realization is kind of helping.

I am feeling better.  No fever today, and I went back to work.  This evening, I had a nosebleed.  First time in a long time.  I had forgotten how much I didn't like those.  I think that was the final thing that pushed me into a full EF from several triggers.  Nosebleeds were something I had to deal with a LOT as a child.  It was something that I was blamed for a lot too, as if I had anything to do with causing them.  As if they weren't worse for me than family that was annoyed.  I feel like I'm imminently going to have to literally fight people as a defense for blaming me for things outside of my control.

It makes me so angry that something like having a nosebleed makes me feel such a rush of feeling unsafe and under attack.  That just like my hypermetabolism, the nosebleeds themselves could've been a symptom of all the abuse and stress, which just drew more abuse.  Getting treated horribly for having a reaction to getting treated horribly in a cycle that just didn't end.

I feel guilty for having a reaction like this.

[Marcine]

ZR,
With all the compassion I can muster, I say— it sounds like you are being pummeled by wave after wave of sensory, memory, emotion, intellectual, physical onslaught.

What a very very challenging time, my friend.

I'm thinking of the swimming safety guidance taught to survive  a riptide when one is being pulled out to sea by the powerful current. It's *not to swim for shore. There's no way to fight the current ripping through the underwater sand gap.

Paradoxically, it's to keep one's head above water best one can, go with the current that's pulling out to the open water, and then when it dissipates, swim parallel to shore, until past the riptide gap. And climb out.

Easy to say. Harder to do out in the surf as the current pulls one's body away from land.

With awareness, training, and practice, lifeguards and swimmers learn to work with the fact of riptide currents.

I think you are learning to work with the currents and the under-the-surface conditions existing with complex relational trauma.

It's intense work, as you know, requiring extra care and precautions. Easy does it and lean on the support you have.

I'm rooting for you.

[NarcKiddo]