hopeful for progress

[sanmagic7]

i thought hard about what i wanted to call this journal's journey.  w/ my new T being promising, i am hopeful that some progress is going to be made.  there's been so much in my life, layers upon layers of trauma from so many different, and some were completely unexpected, people, besides my alexithymia which has helped me in a lot of ways to accomplish all that i did, but stunted me in a lot of ways as well, and my dissociation, EF's, and my other personality, the gray lady, who has helped me endure some very frightening and painful situations.

then there were, as someone reminded me, a lot of financial fears for many, many years, as well as my D's cancer, anxiety, breakdowns, etc. that i've needed to contend with while trying to heal that i haven't gotten as far along this path as i've wanted to.  each new trauma set me back weeks and months at a time.  it's really difficult to make progress when wondering and worrying if we'll be able to pay next month's rent, how getting older is affecting me, and more losses to contend with as well as the state of the country and how that can often ramp up my anxiety.

thank everything good that i do not have debilitating physical problems.  so far, for whatever reason, my body has held up reasonable well.  little twinges every so often in my left knee, so i know arthritis is knocking at my door there, but otherwise, well, being forgetful is creeping in more and more, and that's often annoying, i'm ok.

so, here's to having hope.  that would be nice.

[zen_racer]

I am hopeful with you, SanMagic. I haven't known all this, and I'm sorry you've had so much to contend with. And since I'm also starting with a new therapist that seems better, I'm also hopeful for my own progress.

I know how stressful it is having financial struggles for years. I'm glad you don't have any major physical issues. I've had quite a few significant injuries from a job that took advantage and pushed me to do unsafe things over and over. I'm not sure how arthritis comes into play, but all of the joint pains I've ever had that weren't from a broken bone have been taken care of with physical therapy. It is so common for muscle imbalances to pull a joint out of alignment and cause the pain.

Sending love and hugs, and optimistic for both of us to make progress. 

[Hope67]

I am also hopeful for you SanMagic     

[sanmagic7]

thank you as always, ZR, for the love and hugs.  can't get enough love when it comes from the heart.  i'm glad you've had a lot of your physical stuff taken care of.  that's wonderful!

thank you so, hope.  i hope for more hope as well.

i felt hope yesterday thinking about my new T and how kind and caring she's been so far, empathetic and sympathetic w/o any of the gooeyness that can come along w/ sympathy.  acknowledgment and validation.  all the good stuff.  but we had a glitch w/ our computers sync-ing up for the telehealth platform, and the median guy who doles out appts., sends messages and such was trying to fix it w/ me while we were on the phone.  after an hour and a half, no luck, and i felt that feeling of hope simply drain out of me.  it was awful.  so, he's trying again today, but w/ my D cuz she knows more about this tech stuff than i do.  fingers crossed.

we've got smoke in the air from other places having forest fires, and it's awful.  even in the house w/ everything closed up, i can smell it and my eyes can feel it.  i was used to fire season when i lived in so. calif. - it was just a yearly thing.  then when my D and i moved way up the coast, so did the fires, and we even had to evacuate for 3 days.  this doesn't bother me as much as the heat, but my D is freaked out.  she'd never seen the sky be orange or ashes falling from the sky before, so what we're going thru right now is worse for her than me.  hope it clears up soon, tho.  and hope everyone is safe.