Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

Found the music for my MRI, or at least the 1.5 hour ride to and fro.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz6snoSNeE4

[sanmagic7]

hope your MRI goes smoothly and quickly, and you come out unscathed.

hannah1, fairy godmother sounds perfect for what you need right now.  and you used the word 'magic' several times, so it also fits with your mindset at the moment.  i like it.  and i love the white shoes, the grounding, the armor of them projecting strength, class, and whatever else you need for the specific situation.  my special shoes are clogs - they feel very earthy, grounding, and totally me.  and since i'm a jeans gal, they work perfectly for that 'look' of 'i've been around the block a few times, know what i like, and what i'm doing, so don't mess with me'  yep, my clothes speak for me as well.  it's such fun. love and hugs

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, thank you for sharing YOUR "magic" shoes, our own personal glass slipper. I love that they are clogs, earthy and grounding, and solid. And pair with jeans! 

[HannahOne]

The MRI was fine, it's a wonderful hospital and I'm lucky to access it. I cried the entire time and had to apologize for the snot, being face down and not allowed to move my arms for thirty minutes it just was what it was. I think being in a hospital gown with an IV just makes it real and touches mortality, even though I have zero risk of dying from this. I think it's all just sinking in, since November when the lump was found to now was a whirlwind of getting my kid graduated and ... other whirlwinds, loss of a therapist.... I've been kind of "waiting" for this MRI. Now it's done and on to the next steps. Don't know if it was the contrast or what but I was very tired today and felt foggy. I googled it and everyone says "why am I so tired after an MRI?" I have health anxiety about the heavy metal contrast but I drank copiously today.

I sometimes see myself doing or saying things that I don't really mean, and I Feel like I can't stop it. I don't know if it's just strong feelings and emotional flashbacks, or ... what. Sometimes I feel stuck in a mode, and I can see that I don't have to interpret things the way that I am, but... I can't find the gearshift. I hate some of these patterns. It's hard not to hate myself sometimes. I know that too is just part of being human, sometimes humans hate themselves, sometimes humans are upset.

In cleaning the house, I created a huge mess. My kid is getting a desk delivered and their entire room is now in the hallway. The master bedroom is a chaos of clothes laundry and bags... the linen closet is dumped onto the floor bc I couldn't find nail polish remover... Monday morning a man comes to fix some electric so it all has to be fixed before then. And today I was just exhausted. I still feel a little foggy and ears ringing. I'm trying not to think "It's the heavy metal settling into my brain!!!" because while it might be, oh well it's too late now. Then I think, "It's dissociation." Which doesn't make me feel any better. Then I think, "It's just a human being tired." I am tired but I also feel upset and angry and like it will be hard to sleep. Flounce, sigh, flounce.

I don't want any of this to be happening. I find myself again asking why, which is pointless. Why not? Another friend just got diagnosed. It happens every day, that's why there's entire centers built to help and people spend their lives learning to help. I find myself wanting to go back to last November. Or thinking I did something wrong, going back through my whole life to all the things I did wrong, or thinking about the Karma of it all, the poetry, what it means that I got this specific thing and how it all makes sense in the context of my trauma. I can make meaning out of anything, and it's a toxic habit in this case.

I also had a moment of clarity, in the sense that none of it matters, because in a sense I don't matter, the "I" that I am, I am one of billions, we come and we go. And to just be with what I have, what I am, the time that I have, the space that I am in. Because none of it matters in the big picture. Liberating in a way. I can get microfocused on the Me of it all and lose the sense of the All of it. There's so much more to this world than me. And that's a wonderful thing. Many many wonderful things. I'm just here to witness. I'm just here for the ride. None of it is actually about me, not even whatever my cells are doing. It's entirely random that I would be here now, and random that I would not be, or that I would be here now in X Y or Z condition... meanwhile the polar bears keep swimming and the ants keep marching and Frank keeps vigorously chewing his hay, one piece after the next for hours on end.

One thing that isn't random is the earth's rotation, the sun will rise and I will feel different. Sometimes the only way out of a mood/mode is to go to sleep, and I almost always wake up in a different one.

I'm not even sure why I made this entry, what am I even trying to capture and why bother. LOL.

Well, one thing I want to capture is that the blazer arrived and it fits incredibly and I absolutely love it. I will be wearing it a lot this fall. And it was $30!!! Maybe tomorrow I will do a little closet shifting and get out some of my fall things. I don't have much, a few mens suit pants stolen from my partner, a few blazers, a few sweaters. But it might be good to see the shift in season coming. In some ways I Feel I didn't even have a summer. I went to the beach once, for 20 minutes. I went to the pool once and didn't go past my knees. I was hardly outside. I don't even know where the summer went. Ah well, time waits for no human. I hope to wake up tomorrow in a better frame of mind and feeling energy again. Forward, motion, trot trot trot.

It got stuck in my head and now it'll be stuck in yours The horse would love this, it has forward direction and rhythm. 25 years ago I was taking belly dance classes on West 37th street in Manhattan, so Shakira fits too. We are more than flesh and bone....Trot, HannahOne, Trot! first, sleep. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mapfegnAXOg&t=3s