Starting my journal

[HannahOne]

Congratulations! I was so thrilled for you to read that you were pregnant! How wonderful!

I found the rise in progesterone did make me feel more cozy. Calmer. And, it's likely that as you are feeling more clear about your boundaries and what you are keeping in and out, you may feel more relaxed and connected to your environment, feel safer. It must be amazing to feel like you know who you are taking with you to meet the outside world! What's it feel like? I can't really imagine that but it sounds really yummy.

[holidayay]

I've been struggling to sleep recently. It could be pregnancy hormones. Or the CPTSD. Or a mix, who knows. I can definitely feel an element of insomnia that is different to the sleep disturbances I get due to trauma. Usually I don't have a problem falling asleep; its the nightmares that get me. But now, my brain just doesn't seem to want to enter sleep at all. I finally did after a few hours tossing and turning and then....I had nightmares. Fast paced slides - or reels. Where I am put in impossible situations and I am trying to figure out how to survive, and protect the vulnerable alongside me. Pretty metaphorical for my childhood. Its like my amygdala is on fire, constantly stimulated. I have wondered as a doctor, if I was to do an MRI of my brain, would my amygdala/limbic system just light up in an extremely radioactive-like manner because it just seems so consistently active. The scenarios in my dreams that set my flight-or-fight mode to active are wild. Being held hostage with a whole crowd of people, and the people holding us captive telling us their leader doesn't like any sort of movement at all, as if we are all expected to have no needs at all. Which is exactly how my mum treated us day in, day out. Our needs were completely inconvenient and aggravating for her. She made it abundantly clear.

What a horrible waste, to ruin your children's brain chemistry because of your selfish, cruel nature. It upsets me that now I have this amygdala that seems broken and just doesn't calm down, no matter how often I try to comfort myself that I am safe, no matter how many therapy sessions I have. One time I told my mum about my nightmares, my sleep disturbances, my constant fears. In typical fashion, she blamed me and said it was due to my heathen ways and used disturbing religious imagery to shift blame back to me. I didn't bother trying to reason after this, it is utterly hopeless with her.
And that's the most cruel lesson these people teach us. They teach our growing minds that it is hopeless. Again and again and again. The brain just doesn't seem to do well with this; I don't think it is made to handle feeling so hopeless so often and for such regular, even trivial matters every single day - as you would get with a narcissistic person.
They tell on themselves. My mum told me I am a bad person, with the devil in me, causing my bad dreams.
Its her who is the bad person with devilish behaviour. Projective indentification, they call it.

I just wish I could feel safe tonight. After I woke up from my bad dreams, I've been at a loss as to what to do. Its still nighttime and I'm too tired and fearful to do anything. I don't know how to feel comfort. I don't ever remember receiving it as a child. And now, trying to learn it, feels so difficult.

[HannahOne]

I'm so sorry to read your mother told you such lies when you were a small child and even as an adult. No child is at fault for their emotions, or for having needs. Having feelings and needs are part of being a human being! Your mother's treatment of you sounds inhumane.

Your brain is not ruined, your brain was smart---Learned helplessness is a phenomenon mammals experience when a situation is hopeless. It helps the creature survive by not wasting resources on a hopeless situation. The mammal shuts down and conserves energy. Part of CPTSD is shame, feeling ruined. I feel that too often.

[holidayay]

Thank you HannahOne, I haven't thought of learned helplessness like that but that seems wise.
The shame is awful, just horrible.

I had a few successes this week.
The pregnancy symptoms (+/- mix of cptsd?) became a little bit overwhelming a few days ago so I reached out to a friend from work, and booked an emergency therapy session for some extra support. Both helped so much, I felt so much better and hopeful and also, have new resources recommended to me that I ordered (some workbooks). I then went into work the next day and had such a wonderful shift. I felt more hopeful, and was working with some of the kindest people that shift, and it really helped to boost me up and feel safety in others again, and hopeful. I had some strength after that to cope with the insomnia, and do more self care, which I had stopped doing when I was in the trenches. I was going on more walks too.

Then today happened. I got up out of bed after another night of difficulty sleeping, but felt upbeat and proactive about going for a calming walk. As I got changed, I received a few messages from a friend of mine. Let's call her L. She had been someone who I had had some discussions with about pregnancy when I first found out I was pregnant this time. I was nervous due to previous losses and was anxious so I confided in her that I kept ruminating over possible losses, and she, being usually secretive, opened upto about her own miscarriage and also about guilt she felt from an abortion she had a few years ago that I had no idea about. We had had long discussions about pregnancy since then and I had asked her if me sharing my news with her was triggering given what she had shared and she had insisted it wasn't and wanted to know more details about my pregnancy.

Fast forward to today. L had asked me how I was feeling and I told her I was feeling positive, and that having support from my friend at work and my therapist had done me good. My friend from work had really comforted me by telling me that lots of women experience first trimester symptoms, and that she had really struggled in hers and it was normal and to be kind to myself.
L sent me messages today expressing her disbelief in any sort of negative pregnancy symptoms. She stated that she doesn't believe they exist, and that whatever experiences of difficulties my friend from work had shared with me were not related to pregnancy and were 'pre-existing' and that for her, she would only be happy and grateful if she was pregnant and that I was choosing to be in a negative place and just complain, and that she would be taking a step back from me. She also said she found it jarring and insensitive and expected more from me given her experiences - something I had asked her outright if it was triggering and she had insisted it wasn't and insisted on asking me questions and wanting to be involved.

I felt like a part came up reading this message and I burst into tears and my heart started pounding. I was so shocked at her invalidation, not least because we both work in the medical field. I felt like I was going to faint, and that I had been so stupid to believe I could confide in others, and old feelings of self-worth and shame came rushing up. After some hours passed, I calmed down and could see that her message was likely due to her own complex feelings related to her previous pregnancies experiences, and her current wish to get pregnant.
But, it hit something in me. This friend is someone from my past, who was friends with my sister, who I'd seen red flags pop up that I just brushed to the side. I've had issues with boundaries with her, namely in that I felt I wasn't allowed any when she was upset over a man and I would receive upwards of 40-50 texts, ruminating over the same issues and if I gently suggested a different approach, she would explode at me for not validating her every decision. And truth was, I felt she chose completely inappropriate men who were harmful and abusive and she would be deeply attached by date number 2 and that these behaviours required therapy, which she didn't believe in.

I don't want these explosive friendships anymore. I think if this has happened in another friendship, in which there was a different background of healthy trust, I may have opted to give grace today for her insensitive messages. But I simply don't want to participate anymore. I am so tired and fed up of these dysfunctional relations, where the only thing that keeps them going is participation in dysfunctional means.
I sent her a reply detailing my whole truth and I blocked her. I just can't do these friendships anymore.