Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I'm on holiday in a beautiful island now.
It looks so magical here. And the people are just wonderful.
I had an amazing first 2 days. I felt so peaceful, so content, and happy. I couldn't relate to anything CPTSD at all in those moments.
Then I went to sleep and the dreams started.
First, about narcissistic people from my past who used to like me when I was giving, giving, giving, and then who showed disdain and left when I was struggling. The feelings in those dreams were so real and so exhausting. I felt just like I did back then; the message was clear: you are unworthy, you are worthless, you are pathetic. I really didn't want to let these dreams and the emotional hangover the next morning ruin the trip so I tried to get on with things. And then, yesterday, the dreams were even more relentless. It felt like having an 8-hour long continuous self-berating session, whilst I slept.
Today, I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained.
My therapist says with dissociation, people can have what is called 'hyperassociation' when they fall asleep....when the cognitive mind switches off and cannot 'decide' to dissociate, the feelings underlaying the dissociation burst out of the dissociative barrier and we can HYPER-associate with them. Feel them fully. And I sense this is what has happened, especially since I tried to block it all out when it first happened. She said it is also common that these hyperassociative dream states happen after experiencing joy, safety, happy feelings. Old parts pop up to try to warn us, to remind us of old trauma so we don't let our guard down too much. I have strong shaming parts. My childhood was full of shaming. Constant shaming attacks - from mum, siblings, teachers. I always felt shame at my very being. It was awful. And I feel this shame now. Who am I to have this wonderful holiday? Me, who is ugly, unworthy, undeserving - who do I think I am? Not compared to those other people who clearly are better, prettier, more normal and deserving. And on and on and on it goes.
I feel so exhausted by this. I'm trying to spend a bit of time this morning sitting with these feelings, not pushing them away but I don't know how to deal with them. If I let them be, they just seem to get louder, trying to convince me even more of my unworthiness.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Holidayay,

No wonder you are exhausted. That contrast, and the emotions you're describing, sound incredibly exhausting.

On one hand, your therapist's explanation makes sense to me, but I wonder if there might be a few other things happening alongside it.

One thought is that we often hear about people becoming physically ill once they finally go on vacation or after a major stressful period ends. It's almost as if the mind and body hold everything together while they have to, and only once there is space to relax do they begin to process what has been carried for so long. Maybe our emotional world sometimes works like that too.

The other thing that struck me was the timing. You first described two days of feeling peaceful, content and happy. Then came the dreams telling you that you were unworthy and didn't deserve any of it. I couldn't help wondering whether those old shaming parts were reacting to the joy itself, almost as if they were saying, "Don't get too comfortable. Don't forget who you are." That sounds incredibly exhausting.

And perhaps there is one more possibility. I sometimes wonder whether dreams like these can also be part of integration; not because they feel good, but because your mind is finally trying to process experiences that it couldn't process before.

I don't know whether any of these ideas — or perhaps some combination of them — is true, but I hope these dreams don't erase the fact that those first two days were real. The peace was real too. 💛

If it were me, I'd also gently remind myself that two things can be true at the same time: these old feelings can be surfacing, and I can still let myself notice the beauty around me. The kindness of the people. The sea. The magic of the island. Not because you're denying what's happening inside, but because that beautiful place is real too. Maybe those moments of beauty and attunement are part of the healing as well.

I hope you're still able to soak up little moments of your holiday, one at a time. And if today is simply a hard day, I hope tomorrow lets a little more of that peace back in. You deserve those moments just as much as anyone else.

[holidayay]

Hi Holidayay,

No wonder you are exhausted. That contrast, and the emotions you're describing, sound incredibly exhausting.

On one hand, your therapist's explanation makes sense to me, but I wonder if there might be a few other things happening alongside it.

One thought is that we often hear about people becoming physically ill once they finally go on vacation or after a major stressful period ends. It's almost as if the mind and body hold everything together while they have to, and only once there is space to relax do they begin to process what has been carried for so long. Maybe our emotional world sometimes works like that too.

The other thing that struck me was the timing. You first described two days of feeling peaceful, content and happy. Then came the dreams telling you that you were unworthy and didn't deserve any of it. I couldn't help wondering whether those old shaming parts were reacting to the joy itself, almost as if they were saying, "Don't get too comfortable. Don't forget who you are." That sounds incredibly exhausting.

And perhaps there is one more possibility. I sometimes wonder whether dreams like these can also be part of integration; not because they feel good, but because your mind is finally trying to process experiences that it couldn't process before.

I don't know whether any of these ideas — or perhaps some combination of them — is true, but I hope these dreams don't erase the fact that those first two days were real. The peace was real too. 💛

If it were me, I'd also gently remind myself that two things can be true at the same time: these old feelings can be surfacing, and I can still let myself notice the beauty around me. The kindness of the people. The sea. The magic of the island. Not because you're denying what's happening inside, but because that beautiful place is real too. Maybe those moments of beauty and attunement are part of the healing as well.

I hope you're still able to soak up little moments of your holiday, one at a time. And if today is simply a hard day, I hope tomorrow lets a little more of that peace back in. You deserve those moments just as much as anyone else.

Wow, so incredibly insightful and beautiful. Thank you for this. And you reminded me of the other things my therapist has said that I totally forgot about in my frazzled state - yes, she has said to remind myself that after periods of good stuff, the brain can bring up stuff to the surface when things are finally 'good' cus it feels like there is finally space for it, you're absolutely right! And also that it is part of the integration process. I needed to read all this, gosh, its so hard to remember things like this when in the thick of it. It just feels like being engulfed by all the bad stuff, with little ability to rationalise.
And I loved how you described seeing it as a duality and that two things can be true at once...I will try to do this today. I'm going to go up to the roof deck pool/sun lounge area and try to be okay inbetween the 2 worlds.
Thank you, so much.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you can rest and enjoy the beauty of the island.

Maybe the feelings will be a bit like the waves lapping on the shore. They are stronger and come up further when the tide is coming in, but the tide will go out again.

[holidayay]

I hope you can rest and enjoy the beauty of the island.

Maybe the feelings will be a bit like the waves lapping on the shore. They are stronger and come up further when the tide is coming in, but the tide will go out again.

Thank you for this beautiful response. I read it at the time and took it away with me, though I was too drained to reply. The waves analogy stuck with me    how beautiful it is here, to be surrounded by people who have been through similar pain to you, and who can extract beauty from amongst the pain for one another.

I am back home now. Despite the tribulations that came up during the holiday, it turned out to be the best holiday I ever had. So wonderful, and so many wonderful memories made amongst the pain. The two were able to lap together gently, just like the analogy given above. In and out, they came. The tricky bit is believing they will go out again, once they creep in.

I'm sat in my spare room today after a night of more difficult dreams. Today, its easier to handle. I'm preparing a cake for a friend's wedding. Learning to bake has given me such joy. And a book I ordered just arrived, which made me realise my love of reading has finally returned after years of disinterest. As I sit here, with a breeze blowing (and right now after WEEKS of stifling, hot weather, this is very welcome!!), I realized something. A few years ago, during some extremely bleak moments where nothing in life felt very much doable or worth it anymore....in my desperation, I went on a trip. Where of course, I took my misery with me. You can't outrun yourself, eh? What's that famous saying someone once said - 'where ever you go, there you are' or something to this effect? Yeah, that. Anyway, the hotel manager where I stayed saw my misery. I was too flat to hide it. And he asked me, think about something, anything, in life that would give you some joy that you can imagine in the future building for yourself that would make your life more enjoyable? And I pictured a small spare room, with a desk, and a rug, and flowers, and a small window with a gentle breeze, and a mug of coffee, with my laptop for writing and a book for reading and my cat laying there, sleeping peacefully. And this kept me going. I realized today somehow, without really proactively earnestly chasing and creating it, somehow I have. And I am excited. To read, and write, and drink coffee, and feel the breeze, and enjoy the flowers with love in my heart and safety shielding my mind. I'm there, now. And wow, how fantastic it is. The dreams may return of course, but they can come, and dwell here in this little cocoon, with me. They don't need to intrude against a barrier anymore. They can be invited in, and their messages heard.

Wishing all a beautiful day full of safety, comfort and joy.

[TheBigBlue]

💛💛💛 

[NarcKiddo]

 

I'm glad you had a good holiday overall, and am very happy to read about your lovely cocoon.

[holidayay]

Did anybody go through a stage in their healing journey where the sadness is suffocating....

I feel so sad. So much unresolved sadness that I dissociated from, it seems like its all coming up at once. I feel like I'm being suffocated and buried by it. I'm so sad I lost my family due to trauma and abuse. I'm so sad I don't have my brothers and sisters. I'm so sad at what was, and what could have been, all that I lost that did not have to be this way. It hurts my chest and wounds my soul. Crying doesn't seem enough. I wailed in therapy this week. Wailed like I haven't really wailed before, it felt uncontrollable. I felt like a deeply wounded animal. I don't know how long I can keep feeling this, or how I will resolve it, or if it will ever end....I dissociated for a reason in my childhood to escape its endless pit.
I wish it could all have been so different.

[HannahOne]

Hey Holidayay, sorry I missed your post for a day or two. It makes complete sense that you would feel sadness at the loss of your family, your brothers and sisters. That you would be so sad about what could have been, knowing it did not have to be this way. Knowing that you lost so much. I'm so very sorry, friend.

 Yes, I did go through a stage where the sadness is suffocating, that level of sadness comes up again and again for me over time. Maybe once every few years. I find that as I grow and develop, I have to revisit the pain or it revisits me, it's like I grew bigger and thus can metabolize more of the pain. That's how I understand it to myself anyway.

I was glad to see you have a therapist you feel safe enough to let these feelings be expressed. Could you ask the therapist for more help expressing these feelings?

It has helped me at times to make art, like just draw a big slash across the page. Or make a collage of pain, I made one that had a rat being experimented on, a graveyard, imagery of war, imagery of an animal in a trap... that's how my pain felt to me and it really helped to express it using imagery. Or express if physically by tearing up paper, or smashing glass in a safe way wearing eye goggles to protect yourself.

It makes sense that you dissociated. That's so strong and smart of you, to protect yourself from what was too much then. It's hard to contain even now, but you're doing it, one minute at a time. 

I wish it could have been different for you, too. I'm so sorry for all that you lost.

[zen_racer]

I haven't experienced that yet, but I do fear that it's coming. I haven't yet made a decision to go full no contact. But what I've been experiencing is just starting to feel safe enough that my brain is giving me back memories I didn't know I had lost. As I'm getting those back and processing them, I'm starting to grieve the way things could have been. I'm worried about if the flood gates fully open.

I did go through a period where more and more became triggering and I felt worse and worse. At least for the moment, I'm past that point.

[Chart]

Yes, that's so much it... Cptsd: a sadness seemingly infinite.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi holidayay,

I hear you. I have times when the sadness feels like too much too, but I'm afraid I have yet to really let the genie out of the bottle. When things get too sad and overwhelming, my nervous system pulls the emergency brake and I dissociate.

So both my therapists (CBT and equine-assisted therapy for more somatic work) are trying to help me learn to oscillate in and out of those feelings before I get so overwhelmed that I dissociate - in the hopes to widen my window of tolerance. We've talked about it as dipping my toes into the freezing water rather than jumping straight in.

I'm so sorry you're hurting this much. I hope you can find ways to come up for air between those waves of sadness.

[holidayay]

I forgot to check this page for a few days now, just got back on here today and wow, so appreciative of all of your responses.

I've had a few resources that I came across that really helped, there was a video on youtube about the complicated grief we go through as people who have come from dysfunctional, abusive families and wow, it hit the nail on the head, exceptionally so...I'm not sure what rules are on here regarding sharing of resources so I won't link it here but if anyone wants it and knows if its ok to share, I can add it.

Another thing is, my therapist and online resources have been talking about 'titration'. Titrating what we expose our nervous system to so we don't go beyond our window of tolerance and into 'flooding'. I think sometimes, that is hard to do as I experienced flooding sort of unwillingly, it seemed to come at me several times with a full force that I just could not get a hold of. But....I had some successes. I turned to friends in between sessions, and showed them - i couldn't even hide it even if I tried - and wow, having it seen and heard was probably the quickest way to work through it those days. On other days where this may not have been possible, I did very grudgingly do other things, not to distract and push it down, but - as my therapist taught me - to 'take alongside me' that part that is sad, and say to it 'I know you are here and we will work through it, but today isn't the right time to do it safely, so let's go do this instead and we will get back to it' - and this difference really helped; instead of a mad rush to try to get far away as possible from it.

Something I've noticed - maybe as an end result or coincidence, I'm not sure...is suddenly I am really aware of the energies of people around me. I spent years not really doing this; there isn't really room to do this in abusive households where you are forced to be around harmful people. But now, I am having these realisations....so many people who know me based on the dissociated version of myself I presented to the world, who only focuses on others and fawns over them. They befriended someone who isn't really me. They befriended my trauma responses. And now, now that I feel I am aligning myself more with my real feelings, my real needs and wants, I am having aversions to some people. Especially after experiencing those few days where I showed my full sadness to a friend who met it so kindly and with such compassion..Maybe I am getting braver to bring my real self more. Who doesn't feel she has to labour at her own expense so much. And it feels kind of great. And powerful, and almost revolutionary. Like this is how I was meant to feel.

I am so tired of altering myself or outright denying my experiences or my reality or my truths for the convenience and wellbeing of others. I am tired of befriending people on the understanding that only their truth can exist in the friendship because 'traumatic families are weird and hard to understand so i can't expect anyone to be helpful and understanding'. I realised this is true for some people but does that mean I need to have them in my life and give them this big concession that 'its not fair to expect them to understand and listen and support me' but in the process, I miss out on a real friendship whilst they get permission from me to receive full friendship benefits, and to freely share THEIR real life, warts and all, the good AND the bad? What purpose does this even provide for ME other than to say I am not physically alone whereas on every other level - on a SOUL level - you are alone.... what sort of friendship is that? There is zero net benefit in this for me.
If I give you grace and permission to have your full truth supported and met with kindness, I expect the same otherwise there is just no point in being in my inner circle. Its yet another 'high output, low input' process that only ever serves to reinforce old traumatic beliefs and habits and states of being.
I don't care if someone can't understand or make room for my pain - I refuse to take accountability for how weird some problems are as if I created their existence - and by accepting friendships where I shun this side of my real life experience, I AM taking responsibility for the difficulty of these problems caused by others and this, I feel is a burden that we don't deserve and doesn't provide any sort of benefit at all. So I am not doing it anymore.