Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

One question, if you don't mind. Is there really anything to forgive for being sensitive?

That was a good point too, SO, thank you.

[Desert Flower]

And a friendly reminder to myself:

I am not mentally ill. I am having perfectly normal reactions to an abnormal upbringing.

There is nothing wrong with me. I can do this.

[TheBigBlue]

       

[Desert Flower]

Been holding on as best I can, trying to stay here, to not think too much, not being able to relax much.

And as I was finally relaxing a little bit after dinner at the beach just now, I thought about someone's very young part hiding in the closet and how I did my share of hiding in closets and under the bed myself, and then a very young part of mine came out and said: "And now (that M is no longer here), I no longer need to hide how scared I was/am." And that feels beautiful to me. Free.

Things are definitely shifting. Gaining clarity.

[Chart]

What a beautiful entry, DF. Thank you for sharing that small precious awareness.
  

[TheBigBlue]

Wow - thank you for sharing this!
 

[sanmagic7]

beautiful, indeed, DF.  so glad for you.  i love those kinds of shifts!  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

Thank you for sharing this experience Desert Flower. Such a beautiful and tender homecoming.

You know, I was afraid that I had written too much of my own thoughts in your journal, your extra safe space on the forum. Since you've mentioned meditation in the past, what I soaked up from many teachers, and what has become a great support to me in difficult times, started pouring out. I'm glad it landed OK. It's so wonderful to see your self compassion, -acceptance, and courage. 🙏

[Desert Flower]

Not sure where to start now. I'm still in limbo it feels. I'm okay, but very very easily triggered. Or maybe, I'm just as easily triggered as I was before, but now I'm much more conscious of it. I don't know, maybe both.

Some practical facts. I spoke to the GP again, she now says I can see her whenever I need, which puts the initiative and responsibility back into my hands, she apparently thinks I can handle it. And the visit to the mental health practitioner at the GP's turned out to be awful, this lovely person just out of psych school saying: "I can image that would be hard." and me thinking: "Yes, that's what you're supposed to say but No, you cannot, you haven't the faintest idea." Not going there again.

The Trauma Sensitive Yoga that I'm supposed tot start in January may not start for lack of participants. The uncertainty of this does not feel so trauma sensitive to me. The waiting list for the specialised mental health care turns out to be approx six months ... and I'm not at all sure anymore this will be so helpful because it will be more of the same that I had already. But then again, what I had was good, but not enough. So I'm staying on the waiting list for now. In the meantime I plan to start Parts Work and Brainspotting in February or March next year and I am very confident that will help (this is outside 'regular care' over here and it is privately funded but usually faster). I spoke to the therapist on the phone and she seems to know her stuff. So hang on till then I will.

I did the ultimately important (to my mind) Christmas shopping in the busy town and made it through. I cannot tell you how. I also did the packing to go to our holiday home. As some point I had misplaced my mobile and I noticed and said out loud: "My brain now wants to panic but I don't". That impressed me. But I don't know how I would have handled all the organising AND work as well. It felt as if my schedule was quite full without work. Probably was my mind that was full.

Now that I've had a little rest at last at our holiday place, I do not think work is of the utmost importance anymore. Meaning, I think it is important for me to do something to contribute and keep myself occupied, but it does not necessarily need to be this job. And while I was very worried about having to start work again after the holidays and I was thinking "How on earth am I ever gonna do that without derailing again?" (that was trauma brain talking), at this point, I do not mind if I start again real slow and pace myself and if that means changing tasks or whatever, I don't mind anymore. I just want to stabilise and take better care of myself. If that means I won't 'perform' like I did before, so be it.

So now the Christmas days are almost here. We'll be spending those with just our little bunch: husband, kids and me. I'm really enjoying our time here, it's so nice and quiet. (Even if I did get a little worried today when my husband stayed away doing some chores a little too long to my liking.) And my brother will be visiting and that's fine. No in laws fortunately. And no mother to upset me either. Part of me thinks I should feel guilty about that but I don't feel it. It feels as if I may just be me. No dressing up, no fancy dinner, just chicken and fries will do just fine. And I told my bunch I will not be stepping outside to see the fireworks (explosions) at New Year's because I'm too afraid. That's fine as well.

Thank you friends, for being here 

[Desert Flower]

Another thing, I feel my brain is recalibrating or something. Like the lid went off and I am now allowed to feel everything and now it's up to me to decide what is 'normal' and what is not, when to relax and when to panic, when there is no danger (most of the time, I'm told) and when there is (most of the time according to my trauma brain). So I'm very cautiously starting to feel what side I'm on at any given moment. I feel very vulnerable and volatile.