I Am

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, bach.  my thought is patience and practice.  when i began feeling emotions like fear and anger, it was very upsetting for me, didn't feel like me, and i didn't know how to deal with it.  but i got a lot of encouragement to just 'be' with whatever, and it was good advice for me, so i'm sending it along to you.  best to you - it's a new part of your journey and is going to feel 'off' for a bit cuz you're not used to it.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Bach]

Last night I started thinking about how I am angry at my father.  It was a little unexpected.  I had sat down to write in my paper journal because I read an article a while back about how writing on paper with a pen encourages neurological connections in the brain in a way that writing on the computer doesn't, and so I try to do it every day even if I don't have anything in particular I want to write about.  Anyway, I realised that there was anger in me even though I wasn't totally feeling it, and out came a few sentences about being angry at him.  That's something I have historically shied away from, it has always felt very dangerous.  It still feels dangerous.  I talked about it with my therapist today even though I didn't want to, and it made my belly feel like a ball of lead.  I don't know how to be angry at my father, I don't know what to do with it.  I'm angry about being angry at him.  So many things I'm angry about.  I hate even writing this, it makes me want to scream and break things.

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry you're having issues with that, Bach.  I do too.  As a kid, I wasn't allowed to be angry.  I was told that anger made me a bad person, and that good people don't get angry.  I still have trouble acknowledging my anger to myself until it gets to full blown rage, which I only ever express when I'm alone.  But anger can be the normal justifiable response, and because of that, it can be the healthy expression sometimes.

I can also relate to being angry about being angry.