Dalloway´s Recovery Journal

[Dalloway]

Thank you my friends, indeed I feel much lighter as SenseOrgan put it.

But the paradox of it is that by being able to be more open and accepting to the world I also feel more pressure on my shoulders. Now I can feel the weight of the life I´ve led so far and in many aspects continue to lead. The heaviness of not being able to move freely in space, of having certain roads I walk, as if my life was some sort of choreographed theatre. All the ways I behave that count as tolerable and acceptable by people around me, the box I was squeezed into, which I cannot move in. I find myself very frustrated for having to live like this.

Something inside me is seeking freedom, free movement, free thinking, free speaking, free existing. But the costume I´m in feels so tight that I feel like I cannot breathe. And the freedom inside me is terrified of this small cell of a life I´m living in. It doesn´t want to live this way. It wants to be understood, to be able to get it´s voice heard. It wants to be known by the world, by people and most importantly by itself.

Many times I feel like an empty shell, like a ghost, walking around in what I perceive as a false world where everything is false because of my lack of connection to it. Because nobody really knows me and I can´t really express who I am. That´s why everything feels so empty and fake. I want to be real and want to feel, just like Frankenstein´s creature wanted to. And in a way I think I already am, but the armour is too tight. It´s uncomfortable. I can´t move, can´t breathe as fully as I´d like to. Or maybe I´m just a little crab that needs her shell changed. I´m just too scared to go to the shore to look for one.

[Marcine]

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go."
-Spencer Johnson

Dalloway, your ever-growing awareness, desire for freedom, self-expression, sharing ideas, making your voice heard... You are in the process of growing.

And naturally with growth comes change, new, unknown, infinite possibilities.

You are on the path.
On your path.
What better place to be?

[HannahOne]

Dalloway, I imagine a lot of us can relate to this: "walking around in what I perceive as a false world where everything is false because of my lack of connection to it. Because nobody really knows me and I can´t really express who I am. That´s why everything feels so empty and fake." I know I can relate. For me this kind of derealization and depersonalization was almost constant when I was younger. It took time to expand my lungs, find bigger shells, approach the shore. I had to scuttle around a lot. The fact that you can feel the tightness shows that you are alive, aware, and at the right time for you, will unfold into your next shell.

I happen to have a hermit crab right now, my kid "rescued" him from a pet store where he was languishing. His name is "Hermy." Very creative! When I got him he was cramped into a too small shell. I bought him several larger shells, and lo and behold, I came to see him the next day and he had chosen a larger one. I worried about him because he mostly sat there. I kept wondering if he's ok. Why is he not exploring, is he unhappy? When I pick him up, and he puts out his antennae. I researched it and it turns out he seems to be molting! He may look like he's not doing anything and just sitting, but he's actually busy creating a larger skin, now that he's found a larger shell to use as a shelter. He's in the process of becoming, just like you.

[NarcKiddo]

Stage one - realise the current shell is too small. Check.
Stage two - acknowledge other shells are out there. Check.

I'm sure there are plenty of other stages before you get comfortable, and sometimes being uncomfortable is also comfortable because it's familiar. But I reckon you'll find a lovely new shell to move into when the time is right. As others have said - you are on the way.

[Dalloway]

There is much sorrow coming with looking for a different kind of shell. The act of letting go and selecting the things that can be useful from your past/present comes with all the memories and flashbacks and regrets and missed (?) chances. Most of the time I feel like something´s missing. Don´t know exactly what or in which area but there´s this emptiness that comes from all the scarcity of the trauma. This scares me a lot. And it´s, again, absurd how I have all these traits and behaviours and pieces that are all part of someone breathing, moving, living in this world, a Dalloway of hopes and tears, fears and laughter.

And hence it´s soo complex to even think about it all, I´ve got a constant feeling or belief that I simply cannot make myself understood. How could I do that with all the stuff in the baggage? But I can´t help but try. I play this game of bingo because I don´t have a better idea. Most of the time I don´t even know what I´m doing. Fake it till you make it I guess.

This is so weird sometimes. Trying to find my place in the world, battling with all the absurdity of my existence, trying to keep my head above the water. I don´t know if it leads anywhere but there´s no other way to find out just to do it. Life feels like a constant change of shells. I have a collection of them that is expanding almost every day. There´s always a new one to try on. Some of it I keep for future use or just because I can´t let go, some go right to the trashcan.

It´s a never ending process of metamorphosis.

[HannahOne]

Dalloway, when I read your post I thought, it's true---no shell can ever contain us really. We use different shells at different times for different purposes. In my own case I gave up on finding the perfect end-all be-all shell once and for all... we are too big for that, too complex. And, it's important and useful to have a shell, if one is a vulnerable crustacean! Shells are useful to interact with the world, in different roles. They are protective and we need protection.

A shell hides what is inside, but that doesn't mean your shell is empty... you're in there! It's just hard to know who we are or find our edges when we have grown up with neglect, absence, loss, emotional invalidation, abuse. When we have not been seen and heard, and not been understood. The relentless feeling of not being able to be understood is a symptom of our trauma and that much I do understand. It resonates with me. I feel that feeling. The not being able to be understood itself helps me to understand just a tiny bit about what it's like to be Dalloway.

I think of the hermit crabs on the beach, carrying their shell. A wave comes and they get washed out, have to keep their heads above water, have to get back to the sand... carry on their crab life. Meanwhile they are growing, molting, transforming and becoming. Necessitating new shells, new ways to move and carry it. Their baggage is beautiful, spiny, shiny, or rounded whorls.

It's true that I can't really understand entirely the crab and its experience. It's life is its own. I can appreciate its beauty, determination, the integrity of its life and choices. I can resonate with it empathically, even if I don't understand all the details, even if all I see is a little claw sticking out of the shell. I know he's in there, being himself, doing his work, and for that I have great admiration, a feeling of awe and connection. I'm over here in my shell doing my work, too. In that small way we are together.