Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

Dollyvee asked about IFS and I wanted to share a bit about therapy. I've done every therapy that exists, I'm a professional therapy client. I knew I needed help to live a good life. I started in the late 90s with CBT, then moved on to the second and third wave stuff, DBT, ACT. Gestalt. Psychodynamic for many years. Some Jungian analysis. EMDR, Mindfulness based CBT, equine therapy, I got certified to be the equine specialist on the therapy team. and IFS. I found IFS to be the most helpful, but I actually quickly moved one to the second wave version of it, TIST. 

I highly recommend TIST, or just reading her articles. I find Janina Fisher's work to be the most helpful I've ever found, because it's based on parts as states, ie, the fight part, the flight part, the submit part, the attach part, the freeze part. Joanne Twombley tried to make IFS more accessible for people with dissociation and some of her tricks also help, ie the feeling proof soundproof room. I had a therapist who was able to put all of that together for me and that's what got me out of the 2-3 years of shutdown/bedbound behavior I was in. I was always able to get up and do for the kids, parent, seem ok... but as soon as they were out of the house, it's like the motor stopped or there was no electricity. So we started by using the "mothering part" to help me get moving again.

I was reading recently that the latest wave of therapy is trauma healing as movement/flow. IE equine therapy, yoga therapy, dance therapy. That the trauma isn't really "stored in the tissues," it's the nervous system that is replicating the trauma and the tissues of the body respond to that neuro-hormonal signaling. It's the brain stuck in prediction error.  I think that's part of why TIST was so powerful is that it includes the somatic piece that IFS and all those other therapies I tried leaves out. TIST focuses on where that feeling is in your body, what movement the feeling is prompting. Trauma is when you feel that impulse but it's not safe to act on it, or when you can't flow, you shut down. Healing is when you can feel and to some small extent at least act on these impulses in a safe container, ie with a horse or therapist, and experience attunement. That's the most powerful prediction error there can be, it's not just a prediction error in the mind. It's a lived physical experience between two people, or a person and an animal, the prediction error shows up in a movement, action, a change in physical reality. . The "moving" part is really important.

The most healing thing that helped me get unfrozen in the last year or two is PT and going to the gym. That led to all kinds of other movement, like going to dance class and moving with music with other people, yoga/Pilates with music in a room full of other people, getting into water and swimming, some time with the horse again in the ring. Like with the horse, "click click, trot," just keep moving and then you can shape the movement into something balanced and beautiful. So it's not so much that the body keeps the score as the body is the vehicle, the ground, the way for movement to happen again, for flow to return. That ease of movement informs the nervous system that the prediction error has happened, so the nervous system stops sending alarm to the tissues. I should find the name of the study and post it on the forum, it was really interesting.

So I guess I hesitate to suggest straight IFS for complex trauma because for us I don't think it's so simple as "unburdening the exiles." My exiles aren't just burdened with trauma, they're also unformed, arrested by what they did not get. That "did not get" is actually much harder to deal with than what happened. For me the neglect is much worse than the assaults, much harder to overcome, to grapple with. That's what I'm working on in this journal since day one, I've learned how not to be in abusive relationships... but learning to care for myself? To take care of myself? what that even means, what it looks and feels like, and how to tolerate it? SO MUCH HARDER. Feels impossible. How to go to the doctor when you notice something is wrong. How to even notice something is wrong. How to get regular screenings. How to eat and drink. How to exercise. How to feel my feelings. How to support myself in my goals. All of that is overcoming neglect, it's self-care. None of that involves unburdening an exile, it's something different.

I think TIST is much more comprehensive for CPTSD and developmental trauma, and includes the somatic piece that is essential because the trauma wasn't just to our minds, it was to our bodies--our minds are just part of our bodies. Words/thinking only go so far. It's also less of a formula/manualized modality, so it hits me better. I don't like being put through the paces of a manual and anything that feels like a protocol can feel like abuse again where I have to be a false self and put myself through hoops. YMMV, and so much depends on the therapist of course.

[Blueberry]

Thank you HannahOne, that was an interesting read!

[HannahOne]

Day 1. early in the morning and I had two eggs and some lentil soup on rice, two glasses of water. Watching hiking reels online of Yosemite and wanting to go back this summer. Hiking is one of the best things for me and I need to remember every day, even when I can't get to my favorite places.

[sanmagic7]

very interesting, hannah1.  i'm so glad you found something that's working for you, helping you heal. thanks for sharing - i looked it up, read a little more about it, it looks like a somewhat different philosophy and approach than what i've been used to.

by the by, i agree w/ the belief that what we never got that we needed can be more devastating to clean up and clear out.  so many levels of life and living affected. it's what i'm working on w/ my grieving projects now, and it's rough.    love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Hannah,

this resonates with me a lot.

Especially:
- the idea that CPTSD/developmental trauma is deeply embodied and tied to nervous-system states, not just thoughts,

- that safe movement/attunement experiences (exercise, horses, dance, yoga, etc.) can help shift freeze/shutdown states in ways words alone sometimes cannot,

- and that neglect / "what never happened" can be even harder to heal than overt traumatic events because it affects basic self-care, regulation, and the ability to feel deserving of care in the first place.

Really thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing it. 

[HannahOne]

Thank you for reading and reflecting, TBB, Blueberry, and SM7.  TBB, yes being deserving of care. That's a hard one.

I've been pondering today the "mothering" part. I raised my sibling up to a certain age. I so easily raised my children, I mean at times it was hard but it was not a problem. I easily could do it, even though parts of it were hard or painful. And so I do have it within me. I need other people, and, I don't need to go outside myself for the deepest attunement, the deepest knowing, the minute by minute hour by hour self care. I can turn that "mothering" energy toward myself. It's possible. I can do it if I want to. I have the option.

So I tried it in a hard moment.

Today I want to remember how I showed up for myself. I did eat three meals and drank all my water. I also had really strong feelings, and I didn't avoid them. I also didn't reach out to anyone. I was present for myself.

I wrote myself a letter. I may share it here. It's a Recovery Letter, I guess, but I have nothing to say to anyone but myself. So it's to me.

I feel different. I feel more inner space, I feel my insides connected to my outside. I feel more present and in the present. I feel proud, I feel like the adult that I am. I am proud that I was able to be with myself, give myself compassion and support in a difficult moment. I also feel the younger me is more at peace. Parts of me feel comforted. That's really a new feeling.

I didn't just ignore, suppress, avoid, distract myself. I met myself.

I'll have to do this on a daily basis ongoing. It's a relationship, not a fix. The relationship of me to me is the primary relationship, and without that, not much will change or work. And I do deserve this kind of relationship with myself. Yes, I hate myself for various reasons, yes parts of me are very disappointed in me, my life. And even so, I'm human. That I have those feelings doesn't mean I'm not worthy of love and care. I'm in the best position to give that to myself, and giving to myself will also help me receive it from others. 

[zen_racer]

HannahOne, thank you for sharing that.  In the moment, it serves as an example of how I'm not showing up for myself.  But it has also shown me at least a glimpse of what self care might actually look like.  I do need to get back to drinking enough water.  I need to get back to making sure I'm eating enough.  I think it's only recently dawned on me that I've been avoiding almost all emotions.

I'm sorry that I don't have much to offer back as a response yet, I promise I'll get better at this.  Thank you.

[sanmagic7]

I met myself.

i found this to be profound.  what did you think of the person you met?  did you like her, flaws and all?  i think this is so important for us, to meet ourselves, decide what we think of ourselves.  we're so much more and different than what we were taught we were.  and if we decide we don't like who we are, we can make changes.  if we decide we do like the person we are, i think it's easier to continue doing what's best for us, just like we would for a good friend.

great work, hannah1.  wonderful to read.  keep it up, ok?  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Today I want to remember how I showed up for myself. I did eat three meals and drank all my water. I also had really strong feelings, and I didn't avoid them. I also didn't reach out to anyone. I was present for myself.

 
I'm glad you did that, and I'm glad you wrote it down here. Well done.

[TheBigBlue]

 

[HannahOne]

zen_racer, I think I speak for everyone on the forum that you're welcome to be yourself here, with "nothing" or "a lot" to offer. Just your presence as a fellow survivor means so much to all of us, you don't have to do anything here. Thank you for reading and commenting.

The Big Blue and NarcKiddo, thank you so much for reading and cheering me along.

SanMagic7 what an interesting question, thank you for asking. I'm surprised to say I was moved. I felt... admiration? for myself. I felt what I often feel for others, That they are Real, they are Solid, they have integrity. They're not some idea of perfect, they're not always right or always good. But they are real and solid and their journey has its own integrity to it, no matter how windy or wobbly that journey is, you can make sense of it. I guess I made sense to myself, as a person. I felt like a person, a human being. Brings me to tears, I've so often felt like an alien, less than human, not a person but a thing. I don't know how that magic happened. But I captured it in a letter that I'm going to reread regularly.

I guess I Am learning to care for myself and to accept and experience care. And somehow "care" is making me legible, visible to myself. In the past it was all doing, progressing, learning, growing, healing, trying, working, researching, trying, planning, executing, visioning and enacting. I found care noxious. Any therapist who said, "aw," or offered me tissues, cross them out with an X LOL. I would only see stone cold psychologists who were generally withholding LOL. I only slightly exaggerate. You're right, "I" was so different than what I think of myself as, a cluster of problems, a twisted tree, a failure, someone who never quite comes together. I was just me. Thank you for inviting me to live into that question.

One thing I am thinking about lately is feelings, sensitivity....being human. On one hand, I've always been "deep feeler," "sensitive," I'm a poet, I'm a softie, I love animals, I'm known to be a bit melancholy, a bit easily moved. On the other hand, other parts of me are stoic, steely, unfeeling, insensitive ie not easily moved, can handle emergencies, blood, fire LOL, other people's breakdowns, in the midst of a break-in I'm cool as a cucumber on the phone with the cops. I can be stoic, I can do the funeral sermon for my own family members and not shed a tear, I can call all the relatives and tell them the news, I can advocate for my own kid in crisis in a meeting to the point my lawyer says nothing because I'm doing it myself without emotion. It's been confusing for me, these different aspects of me.

What I've been leaning into lately is a feeling of softness inside. That these different parts of me can come together and blend and both be true. I am very strong and in a crisis, I'm your girl. And, I'm deeply feeling. I'm sensitive. I'm a softie, an artist. And that is part of my strength. Sounds cheesy. but softness isn't bad, isn't weak or comtemptible. That I am open to the beauty and little t tragedies of the world is part of what makes me me. that I'm one to collect the baby squirrels in a box and take them to a rehab, rather than drive by or drown them in a bucket. That I'm one to be moved by music, or a painting. That hearing a moving story....moves me.

I'm not entirely sure what this means for me yet but it feels like recovering something. As a teen I had to turn off much of my softness. It just wasn't safe. I had to be a bad@$$ and a b---. I had to have a hard edge. That's still part of me. But it feels really true to find places of more softness in me, not just when I'm with my children in mom mode where I Was always feeling and caring, but in myself, for myself, with myself. It feels like recovering something I've been missing, I've missed me.

It very much feels related to caring and receiving care. I've been a caretaker for thirty years now, intensively with my partner and kids and their disabilities. I was very caring. But not for me. And I wasn't receiving much care back. Not in a cruel way, more it's not the kids job, obviously, and my partner is limited. That felt safe.

Caring for myself feels very vulnerable but very important. Like recovering something. It makes me remember being maybe four or five, and I'd scraped my knee. I remember washing it in the sink and feeling really bad for myself. Sad that no one cared, but I cared. I dont' remember feeling that way much after that. I had to stop caring about myself that way. I cared about future me, I cared about achievement, escape, growth, progress, planning, executing, working, researching.... but that's different than caring about present me, here and now, who's hurting, over something small like a scraped knee, but even a scraped knee deserves an "aw" and some care.

Today I learned I have a bleeding ulcer, LOL. I guess my stomach has been hurting for a while. Like the paradox of being stoic and being deeply feeling, sometimes it seems I feel pain more acutely than others, sometimes I seem to be totally unaware I am in pain.

Eating more regularly and better could help, and I may need an antibiotic and antacid. And it'll get better. I'm going to care about it. It's also possible that popping so much Advil for pain caused the ulcer. Now I'm on a better medication for pain. I'm being taken care of.

HannahOne signing off to sleep off the anesthesia. Glass of water ready by the bed for morning, thanks Dollyvee. Good things to All of Me and all of us CPTSD survivors, and cheers to us just for being here.

[dollyvee]

So I guess I hesitate to suggest straight IFS for complex trauma because for us I don't think it's so simple as "unburdening the exiles." My exiles aren't just burdened with trauma, they're also unformed, arrested by what they did not get. That "did not get" is actually much harder to deal with than what happened. For me the neglect is much worse than the assaults, much harder to overcome, to grapple with. That's what I'm working on in this journal since day one, I've learned how not to be in abusive relationships... but learning to care for myself? To take care of myself? what that even means, what it looks and feels like, and how to tolerate it? SO MUCH HARDER. Feels impossible. How to go to the doctor when you notice something is wrong. How to even notice something is wrong. How to get regular screenings. How to eat and drink. How to exercise. How to feel my feelings. How to support myself in my goals. All of that is overcoming neglect, it's self-care. None of that involves unburdening an exile, it's something different.

Thank you HO. I noticed you spoke about parts and was curious what your experience with IFS was. You're right, I don't think trauma is just about unburdening an exile. Tbf I was never in a place where I feel I had enough self to do that, which is perhaps the other side of what you're speaking about: where is the self growing up in NPD families and how we come to access the self needed for IFS. All the things you mention - how to recognize, how to behind to care for the self need to have an awareness of self present in order to behind to do those things.  For me, IFS was a quick way out of my head into my actual body and whst was going on under the hood even if I didn't understand it.

Thanks again for sharing
dolly