Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Marcine]

I relate to those persistent EFs that sneak up and pounce. This one understandably sounds like a doozy.

I sense the deep clarity and awareness in your writing, NK. I know that itself doesn't make things rosy, but I just want to reflect back the power you're showing in declaring the fear, the decisions you made on your own behalf, and of course the choice to post here and receive support.

The EF will end and I hope it passes soon.

With love and support

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, friends. Your support is invaluable and I love you all.

This EF is indeed a doozy. Thankfully it's not a totally all-encompassing one. I think that's likely because adult NK has figured out she needs to stay online and the littles trust me enough to let me stick around, even if they've locked me in the garden while they rampage in the house, so all I can do is try to reach them through the glass. But it does make it easier to bear even so.

Into day four.

Yesterday things changed a bit. I'd spent the previous 2 days trying to help the littles with their conflicting emotions. There was a moment when Little NK told me she was sad at having been left out of the cruise. That knocked me for six because she hadn't been left out at all. We'd been asked to go and I had refused for very sound reasons indeed. Fortunately that episode didn't last all that long but it was really befuddling me. 

So yesterday I stopped feeling furious at my H and veered into wanting comfort and cuddles ALL THE TIME. I thought the EF was on the way out and we had a nice morning. Then we went out for lunch with friends. They're quite new friends and although I enjoy their company she can be very prickly so I am never quite at ease. The service was slow and the lunch took three hours which was tiring. During lunch I got messaged from the cruise, which was going well and M seemed to be enjoying it. This was good news for some of me and very bad news for other parts. Good news for the parts that just want M to be content and for adult NK who does not want to have to listen to endless complaints when she gets back. Very bad news for the parts who want her to have a terrible time so she will never go on a cruise again. They want this because there used to be two places on earth where I could guarantee never to see my M. A ship and a gym. Now there is only one. If she develops a fitness habit we are DOOMED! 

I had to get back to attend an important zoom meeting for a trauma project with no time for rest in between. The meeting went fine but it also took three hours by which time the EF was back in full swing. I felt almost catatonic for the rest of the evening, and very tearful. I slept very badly and feel tired today, but emotionally a bit more stable. I don't think it will take much to push me back into the EF so I am being careful right now.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
You've had a LOT on, and you've managed to still get things done whilst contending with that EF that is lasting quite a few days now.  I think it's great that your Littles are communicating with you in the way they are.  That they trust adult NK to let you stick around - it really shows how much work you've put in to bridging gaps with them. 

Those meetings you've had - both the lunch one and the Zoom one - they ended up being so long. 

I hope you can get some rest and time to recuperate from it all.

Sending you and the Littles some hugs     

[HannahOne]

NK your experience of the EF about the cruise makes sense, how different parts feel different ways about it. It seems adult NK made the best decision possible to keep the littles and all parts safe. And, the littles have their own feelings about it, and those make sense too, from their perspective, a cruise sounds fun---they just don't know all that adult NK knows! It's a testament to your relationship with yourself that your parts are sharing their feelings and experiences---and you have the awareness about the dynamic with your H too.

I chuckle at the thought of your M showing up at the gym---sounds exceedingly unlikely!

I hope working on the project is positive!

 

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
I hope you're continuing to hang in there. I'm very sure you'll be getting through this because in the midst of everything you wrote—
"the littles trust me enough to let me stick around, even if they've locked me in the garden while they rampage in the house"...

Rascals! And you're not abandoning them. You're not abandoning you.
 

[zen_racer]

NK, I agree with that first part so much.

I'm sorry that the EF is lasting so long.  I'm hopeful that I'll someday be able to communicate with my younger ZR. 

I'm also sorry that lunch and that zoom meeting took so long.

Sending hugs. 

[NarcKiddo]

Had a FOO visit yesterday to hear all about M's cruise. She said she enjoyed it. Fine. The visit was quite pleasant.

But...

They took me out to lunch. The restaurant was walking distance but I needed to use my walking poles. Up to now I have not told them I am using poles. Not worth the aggro. Over the last couple of years my F has from time to time politely enquired about my lung health so I have told him. M has always changed the subject or simply got up and walked off. So I have concluded she either does not care or does not have the bandwidth, given my F has had endless serious health problems himself. At any rate, if she does not want to know things I am not going to burden her with the information.

I knew an occasion would come up organically when I would have to use my poles, and it happened yesterday. Luckily my EF had fully subsided and I was feeling strong, because they had not told me about the lunch outing. My poles were folded up in my bag because I would need them to walk home from the station later that day. I'm glad I had them. So I extended the poles and of course M asked why I was using poles. I told her it was because I get random dizzy spells when walking. F was locking up and he caught up with us. He asked if I needed the poles or was using them for some fitness purpose. I told him I needed them because I get random dizzy spells when walking. I expected they would ask some more over lunch. I mean, any normal person would, wouldn't they? Maybe M would not say anything given her past behaviour but I thought F would ask more, if only to be polite. Well, neither of them said a word. Nothing was said over lunch and nothing was said when I went back to their house afterwards.

Last night M sent a gooey, sickly message about how nice it had been to see me. I did not reply.

Little NK was a bit taken in by the sickly message. Because the visit had been nice and M had been pleasant company mostly. Not abnormally pleasant, either. There were just enough complaints about aspects of the cruise to make it all seem comfortable. Maybe we could have a closer relationship with her. I found myself having to remind Little NK that this is the woman who burned her. Who deliberately held her finger in a gas flame to teach her a lesson. I don't know why I have been strongly remembering that incident lately. I'm not even sure it is Adult NK who is pushing that agenda or if Teenage NK is trying to protect Little NK. But somehow that incident has been bubbling up a lot recently.

This morning M sent a message wanting to know details about the dizzy spells. How long they have been going on, what have the doctors said etc etc. Because I AM WORRIED. 5 minutes later I get a message from my S asking the same questions. I told them both I would reply later when I have time and asked M why she did not say anything yesterday while I was there if she was worried. She has not replied.

[sanmagic7]

aaaah, FOO.  difficult to be with, difficult to be without.  quite the conundrum, NK.  like you're watching out for landmines every time you walk in their field.  you've had quite a lot to contend with lately.  i hope you can take some time off, get a little R and R just for you.  those EF's can be draining all by themselves.  put the rest of it on top and, well, it can be too much.

i'm glad the lunch went mostly ok, but the not asking until later when not face to face - is that the hidden factor?  it's safer for them via screen?  best to you with all of it.  it's a lot.  love and hugs

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
I relate to how "Little NK was a bit taken in by the sickly message. Because the visit had been nice".

That's so natural and understandable. Our littles ask earnestly, "Crumbs are enough, aren't they?"

And adult-you offers the factual reminder to put it in its proper larger perspective.

The weird absence of attunement in the moment during face to face lunch. The deluge of "concern" afterwards with hints that they have been discussing you between themselves... yucky, to say the least.

I'm reminded of the concept— getting too much of what we didn't want and too little of what we needed.

Sending love to you 

[SenseOrgan]

I'm so sorry NK. I'm so sorry you're torn between the natural need of a child to be connected and loved by her parents and the actual interpersonal reality you had and have to survive/navigate. Tears welled up taking in the depth of betrayal you described. It makes sense to me that old need is still dangerous for little NK. Good for you for guarding her. Even though it's so sad this vigilence is apparently necessary.

In a healthy relationship parents would show they cared about your well-being and inquire about the dizzy spells. That silence must have been loud, long, and painful.

I think you handled the messages that eventually came well. Assertive. Reasonable. Alert. Sane. 

[NarcKiddo]

San, thank you. I don't know why they didn't ask anything and my M has ignored the question. I know I am becoming somewhat unreliable as far as they are concerned and they are not good at dealing with surprises, so maybe it was that.

Marcine - you have such a way with words. "Crumbs are enough, aren't they?" It makes me cry for all our earnest Littles, doing their best.

SO - thank you for your support, and acknowledgement that the silence was loud, long and painful.

 

Well, I have sent the family a message to explain the situation. I prefaced it with the fact that this is not a new situation. The only thing that is new is the need for walking poles. I mentioned a year ago to my S about dizzy spells. I spoke about problems with walking quite openly and at some length at a family lunch a few months ago, while I was trying to see the doctor for my new inhaler. I got AI to draft a useful basic explanation of the physical problems I face, including the fact that I may not always be able to engage in long conversations (tactical move there, but it was AI that included it, not me!)

M replied with a short, bland and perfectly decent reply. At least she did not try to tell me how to manage my condition as she has done in the past. I don't let her get away with that these days, so maybe she has given up. We shall see.

But then an hour later she messaged again to inform me she had shown my messages to F. She claimed they were unaware of most of it. She said 'you may think you have told us but actually you haven't'.  I have no idea what to do with that. I keep a journal. I specifically checked in my journal when I had the conversation with the family about my lungs, who had been there and what I said. Now, if they ignored me or thought I was fussing or have forgotten, well, then they have. But M has written an untruth and Little NK in particular hates, absolutely HATES, untrue things being said about her.

Part of me wants to inform them I keep a journal and know precisely what I am talking about. I have dates and details. Another part of me thinks 'what's the point?' Narcs cannot abide being proved wrong and will enter into all manner of contortions about it. I don't really see much benefit in starting WW3 by email. They have revealed who they are. I already knew who they are. They have a perfect excuse that they had so much on their mind with F's health problems that they could not be expected to take it all in. Indeed, part of me has considered giving them that let off by suggesting it myself.

I'm not going to react quickly, if at all. Indeed I may wait to see if M is unwise enough to suggest to my face that I never told them. Because at that point I might, just for the sake of seeing her reaction, inform her that I keep a journal.

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry that you've also been having issues with your FOO.  It's that kind of visit that I often have issues with as well.  When they play nice just enough for me to think maybe they're coming around.  With what Marcine said about our littles earnestly asking "Crumbs are enough, aren't they?", I felt that in my soul.

I'm sorry that they are being weird about acknowledging that you have talked with them about your health.  I agree with not reacting quickly or at all.  I know if it was my FOO, I wouldn't bother ever telling them I'm keeping a journal again.

  

[Blueberry]

They have a perfect excuse that they had so much on their mind with F's health problems that they could not be expected to take it all in

Even if they didn't take it all in, doesn't mean you didn't tell them!

I hear you and the Part who wants to let them know that you know exactly what you told them when! I hope it helps a bit to read that at least a couple of people on the forum hear you, even if FOO doesn't. Could little NK hear that - that some forum mbrs know that your M is either telling porkies or has lost the plot, or both? Maybe little NK needs affirmation from Adult NK that Adult NK knows exactly what FOO is up to.

Wishing you and little NK the best with this latest round of crazy-making FOO stuff.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you ZR and BB. Your comments are so helpful.

S tried to cover up for M. I think she knew fine well I had told FOO but didn't want to take my side openly. She then bombarded me with an enormous screed of instructions and questions. This happens a lot. I suspect the bombardment is to 'show interest' but none of my replies get remembered and I have had the same questions over and over again.

I resisted the temptation to reply until I had slept on it and I felt better this morning. I sent a pretty bland reply to S but it was on family chat so M would have seen. S then asked more and more questions. I had the time so I merrily blinded her with science until she gave up. If someone asks me a question I find it almost impossible not to answer it, so pity help the people who only ask something out of politeness!

M is now trying to deflect and hoover so I have been getting more gooey messages. I think Little NK is feeling reassured by me because she seems to have got bored and gone off to play, so the latest from M has not landed for her. Good. I'm feeling generally better about things today, which is good too. I'm getting so much better about not giving in to knee jerk reactions and it is very helpful. All the things I instinctively want to bite back with are right and true, and genuinely reflect what the Littles feel, but only I need to know that. FOO does not and indeed it would be dangerous to the Littles for them to know. Once Adult NK is back in full charge I find it quite interesting to follow the reactions to my non-compliance with FOO expectations.

[zen_racer]

 

I know all too well what it's like to have a sibling be less than honest to keep or gain favor with the parents.  I also get similar behavior from my brother, often trying to give me instructions or "homework" and acting like he's a manager I have to report to in my personal life.

I'm glad that Little NK is feeling better and trusting you.  I can only relate with my own family, but I agree that giving my FOO any information about anything personal is dangerous.  I'm glad you're feeling better this morning.