I Am

[dollyvee]

That sounds like an important realization. My t always expressed to me that when we make progress the old "stuff" will come up, but it doesn't mean that what they're saying is true. Maybe you can talk to those overthinking voices and ask them what they're afraid of and assure them that you're an adult now and can handle it?

[Bach]

I need to work out how I can have power, feel powerful, without triggering the unseen unfelt reflex that implacably and inexorably makes me hate myself. 

[NarcKiddo]

Maybe part of that exploration will be to examine closely what power even looks like for you. Power over what? What would make you feel that you do have a little power? These are just questions for you or maybe you and your T, and it will likely take a lot of consideration even if you have already been doing that a lot.

My initial reaction to your post is that power looks to me like not tiptoeing around that reflex so as not to trigger it, but to find your power to stop it. The reflex is, after all, completely unreasonable. There is nothing hateful about you. Of course it is not as simple as telling the reflex where to go, but wouldn't it be nice if you could find a way to achieve that? Even just for a day at first? 

[sanmagic7]

My initial reaction to your post is that power looks to me like not tiptoeing around that reflex so as not to trigger it, but to find your power to stop it. The reflex is, after all, completely unreasonable. There is nothing hateful about you.

 

bach, i think personal power can mean different things in different situations,  so, i agree w/ NK about what it may look like in this situation.  i also think trusting in yourself to be able to take care of yourself in situations is the basis for personal power.  if we have confidence in ourselves, we can face a situation w/ that trust intact, which forms the basis of our power.  just some thoughts/opinions.  please ignore what does not fit for you.

i do hope, overall, you find what you need soonest. recognizing and going after what you need is a huge first step.  i have faith you'll get there.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Today in therapy I talked about not believing in anything and feeling like a lost neglected child trying to make sense of the world and not being able to, and I cried some real tears, the kind I haven't been able to in a long time.  Actual warm liquid tears, not forced or suppressed, crawling out of my eyes and running down my face.  Just a few, but completely unhindered, spontaneous and natural.  That felt like some kind of progress.  I think I probably need to cry more of those particular tears because I think they're the ones that get pain out.  But if there's one thing I know, it's that I can't go looking for them.  They're the tears I can't perform.  I have to hope all this heavy stuff I've been exploring lately is getting me somewhere.  If it is, I suppose I need to just keep going and the tears will come when they're real. 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[HannahOne]

Bach, I'm glad you felt safe enough to feel. Real tears really matter. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, crying real tears is a breakthrough to my mind.  we've had to suppress so many along the way.  well done!  love and hugs

[Bach]

Earlier today I had a peculiar experience in which, although I could not feel ANYTHING, I became aware that I was angry.  I had been sitting at my computer messing around on the internet wondering why I was having so much trouble doing absolutely anything useful today, and I realised that was why.  Because despite the fact that I couldn't feel anything anywhere in my body or even in my mind, I was full of anger.   Brimming with it.  I sat with that for a little bit, not poking it or prodding it or trying to figure out what it was about, just acknowledging that it was there.  After a while, I put it away.  I took a walk with My Person, then sat by the river for a while watching the ducks, and it occurred to me that I am angry because I am afraid of feeling good.  That's something my therapist was saying the other day, another thing she's said in that or another form a million times before that I know intellectually to be true but can't connect with any feelings of.  I'm still not connecting with any feelings of it.  Just a somewhat grim knowledge that it's there.