the next step

[sanmagic7]

thank you marcine, and i'm especially glad about the kinship part.  it provides me w/ a picture of a very strong connection.   

hannah1, thanks so much for your continued support and kind words.  it's so appreciated.

i'm going to be working on my next round of grieving.  i do believe it will be the loss of feeling any kind of support, compliments, loving touch, affection, freedom to ask questions, helped, emotional connection, anything related to attachment or safety, while impossible expectations of being perfect topped it all.  there might be more, but they're tucked neatly away in my subconscious, and will surely come out when it's time.

this is going to be rough, i can already feel it.

[sanmagic7]

worked on grieving my childhood yesterday, and it was interesting.  lots of remembrances but also lots of 'you've been doing this all along, you can do it now, you can take care of yourself, you do take care of yourself, all of that stuff is in the past and you don't have to live there anymore'.  and i got a brick of pain in my chest for a while, but knew it was the pain of leaving all that behind.  i can look back now and see that it doesn't pertain to me anymore.  very strange, will take some time to get used to it, but the pain eventually disappeared and i'm feeling pretty good.  i like it.

[sanmagic7]

something has shifted due to this process i'm putting myself thru, grieving different parts of my life that shouldn't have happened or didn't/couldn't happen because of what i experienced from various people.  yesterday, i was able to recognize and actually feel joy during some parts of my life, especially driving by myself, the radio turned up, me blasting the words as loud as i could, and i could actually feel that such experiences were actually joyful for me.

it's something i haven't been able to see, let alone feel, because all the negatives kept getting in the way, like shadows or a fine netting, not allowing me to even see, let alone feel, some of the very lovely things that have happened to me, even if only for a few moments, i am beginning to see some of them as not neg.  i like it a lot, and will keep on targeting various things or parts of my life to grieve.  i think the pain of not grieving simply covered every good thing up.  i hope it continues to open me up to more of the good stuff.  that would be nice.

[NarcKiddo]

It sounds like you are doing some really good work, San.

 

[HannahOne]

So glad to hear of this shift, SanMagic7! Putting in the time with yourself to grieve your losses is opening some new windows to joy! The way out is the way through.