the next step

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds lovely! I'm happy for you.

[HannahOne]

Thrilled to read that you have a T for now! 

[Desert Flower]

I'm really glad you found a safe and kind therapist, that is great! It's worth a lot imo. 

 

[SenseOrgan]

Congratulations San! I'm really happy for you that you found a match. And that you could let in the kindness. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the cheers, TBB.  i do believe she's just what i need right now.

chart, i so appreciate the love and support.  it's a struggle to find a good fit w/ a T, for sure, but all the validation i'm getting here is helping me know i made the right choice in tossing the others.  thank you so for being with me. 

armee, it does, doesn't it!  thank you for checking in on me. 

thank you, NK.  i'm happy for me, too, and looking forward to how this is going to play out.

hannah1, thanks for sharing that happiness w/ me.  i love it!

DF, i agree - it's worth it all, as far as i can see.  thank you for being here with me.

Thank you for your support, SO.  i'm glad i could, too, altho it was a very violent reaction.  those expectations/walls die hard.

after reading everyone's responses here, so much kindness and love and support, i'm weepy from the enormity of it.  i'm working at taking it in, but at the same time it's difficult cuz my first reaction is to reject it, hold it at bay, it's too much, too heavy, too weird, too unfamiliar.  and that's where all this stems from, isn't it.  familiar = family.  didn't get it there, don't know how to take it in, don't know what to do with it, uncomfortable w/ how it feels, reject the strangeness of it. or explode thru it. am unable to regulate it.

and all the information i read this morning about baby brains and how they respond to neglect was profound.  and it hit home, hard.  again, it seems the more i get into recovery, the more painful it is.  these realizations tear at me, shred my heart.  and, o, here's a thought, my baby me, thinking about how i had to react - i just shied away from naming her a a 'part' - my baby me, thinking about how she had to react to being ignored (don't pick babies up every time they cry or you'll spoil them - i grew up in that kind of mentality, along w/ 'children should be seen and not heard', so ignored there, too)  and my heart absolutely aches for her, and i'm crying right now to think of that poor baby lying in her crib or playpen, out of the way so mom could clean and re-clean her already spotless house.

i'm so heartbroken right now, i have to leave and just cry it out.

[Armee]

 

Taking a break to cry it out sounds about as healthy as could be in the circumstances. 


Going gentle with the concept of parts too is healthy and protective. Everyone has them even without trauma. But for some reason with the dissociation added in it becomes more scary because they are more cut-off and we don't know what they hold. My T has taught me to ask that they give me no more than 5% so I dont get overwhelmed, and that seems to help. Just a little at a time.

[Hope67]

Sending you a supportive and gentle hug SanMagic

[Desert Flower]

Sending you a big hug too San as you cry out what you need to. I'm sorry it's so hard to realise what we missed. And it is part of healing to do so. I'm really proud of you.

 

[Chart]

San, when all this starts coming up, it hurts. I'm literally crying with you. The infant is just a spark of light and joy reaching out with its heart and eyes and soul. How can they not be loved? It's incomprehensible to me too.

And now we know what we missed. It hurts, it hurts in a deep down way that got stuffed for decades. But now it's out, like a second birth. This time we are giving birth to ourselves. This time it's double-the-pain, as we are both mother AND child. It's crazy. This life is such a roller coaster. I'd never in a million years have guessed where I'd be now.

But for all the pain, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad I found this pain. This pain is the little Chart. I found him... finally. And we're gonna take care of our little infant selves now. They're gonna get the Love they deserve. It's never too late.