Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

NK, dollyvee, SanMagic7, thank you for reading!

[HannahOne]

SO, thank you for reading and commenting. Thank you for mentioning Bedrick, didn't know of him.
TW religion
Yes a lot of religious abuse, abuse in the context of religion, abuse justified and explained by religion, abuse called "good" by religion, the religion itself was high control and full of terror and fear. I took what was useful of the religion, that idea that one could be loved, could improve, and ran with it. But....

The belief that we can become lovable and thus aren't, is at the heart of the survival strategy of a relationally traumatized child. There's a fundamental violence against ourselves in it,

That's it. The idea that I could become lovable was useful then, as it helped me find a different way to live, but it's long past useful now. In the last five years the energy of trying to become lovable was exhausted. With no energy left for my project, I looked deeply depressed. I think I was just exhausted and had no other motivation, no other way to "be." Raising my children taught me a lot, gave me the experience of being on the other side of it, and I got to see how the kids responded to good love. How easy it was actually not to abuse. And how they felt perfectly safe without religion. They didn't have a crisis of meaning without it. They were kind and good without it. They were BETTER OFF without it.

I thought I would feel meaningless, sad, or lost without it but all I felt was nothing, and the nothing felt GREAT. Space, room for me to be, and a very heavy weight off my shoulders.

I thought I never fully believed what I was told, that it was my fault for being female like Eve, it was my role, my place to be abused, the abuse was a just punishment for.... being female. But clearly some parts of me did believe those things, or some parts of me were still trying to redeem those things and make them right. But that's not my job either. Somehow it just filtered through. Whatever happens to me, it's not a punishment. It just is.

 

[HannahOne]

I might be offline for a week or two. I might pop back on but if I'm not, no worries.

[TheBigBlue]

 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Blueberry]

Take care Hannah We'll be here when you get back 

[sanmagic7]

 

[HannahOne]

TW illness, abuse
When I go back and read my first journal entry, I'm curious to see that I"m in such a different place now, and also curious to see that in some ways I have forgotten what the trouble is. That's part of a pattern I have. I. move in and out of awareness of All of Me, of my past and how it's connecting to the present. That's the rub. How the past connects to the present. And also, how it doesn't.

The journey has turned out to be more complicated medically than anticipated. And also surprisingly much easier emotionally than I could have imagined. Being on the forum has changed my life. In just four short months I am experiencing myself so differently. I'm experiencing calm and peace. Inner quiet. I'm experiencing joy and curiosity. I'm experiencing other people mirroring myself back to me, All of Me, not just parts of me. I'm experiencing other people caring, validating, and leaning toward me to hear and understand. I don't have to explain anything. We all share a context. When I'm in the right context, All of Me comes into focus.

Thirty years of therapy did not accomplish this, and some of my therapists were really good and dedicated. I think I always felt they could not truly understand. First I had to share hair-raising experiences, which always left me feeling a little guilty or scared. Then I had to explain the context. Make sense of my feelings for them. Correct their misimpressions, which was painful... and at the end of it, I somehow didn't feel more seen and known.

Not so here, where I've barely shared about specific experiences, don't have to explain the context, or my feelings. And somehow, I feel secure. In general, people get it.

Being known by others with CPTSD has made it possible for me to have more relationships IRL with apparent "normies." I can get together with a casual friend and chat about politics and town gossip, and leave the interaction still connected to All of Me. Maybe because I'm not bringing the weight of CPTSD to the interaction? Or conversely, not feeling I need to hide who I am? Not feeling I need to share it to be known? I don't really know. I somehow am able to be All of Me much of the time, in situations where before I could not.

Even at the doctors. A lot of the time. After a slew of scans and tests they aren't ready to do surgery and I'm started the chemoprevention. I will have another scan shortly to see the status of things. Between bones and cholesterol numbers and everything else, a more pressing issue has arisen with my lungs. What could be more pressing than preventing recurrence?! functioning lungs I guess. On scans my diagnosis is emphysema, yet I have never smoked and haven't been around secondhand smoke since I was 12. There are cysts and partial collapse as well, which indicates not emphysema but something else. I am hopeful there will be good treatment and I might feel like a whole new person if I can go upstairs without becoming short of breath.

I am dismayed that the diagnosis was missed for the last decade. Ten years ago I asked for tests for Sjogren's, but they thought I was subclinical. I saw a cardiologist, who laughed at me and told me I was just out of shape. Yet I gathered my records from three hospital systems over that timespan, and all note abnormal pulmonary results. My IGG4 was sky high three times over the course of a year. I gave up.

I think part of the problem was I didn't have a primary. There was no doctor running the ship. And, they didn't know what it was then, it looks like it's rare. Again. Like my genetic disorder. I'm always the zebra, never the horse!

I am dismayed that it is in part my fear of doctors that has led to this rather predictable result. It's hard not to blame myself. I am especially afraid of primary care doctors.

But now I have a wonderful one. When she saw my CT results, I told her what the cardiologist years ago had said. She turned off the AI recording device and said, "That BLEEP!!!" then turned it back on and resumed dictating results and next steps. I have the right doctor. I'm not afraid of her. She has the same genetic condition I do. And she is going to help.

In the next 5 weeks once again I have two doctor's appointments or tests every week. Exposure therapy, anyone? At the end of that, I should know if anything has progressed, and what further next steps would be, as well as have a plan for treatment of the lung condition if there is one.

Every treatment causes more problems, and I'm averse in general to medications. So I'm having to work through this reality that there is no ideal option, I have to triage and prioritize, and it's going to feel not great. I'm scared of feeling physically not well, like Frank, I hate to feel compromised. It's more than that, it's trauma stuff. Some of my difficult memories are of being ill and not being cared for, in the middle of the night sicker than a dog unable to get off the floor. The feeling of being totally alone and that I might die. I did not die and was nowhere near death. Yet on one hand, I'm scared of feeling pain or feeling sick, on the other hand, I have a very high pain tolerance I'm told, and can get many procedures without medications when pain meds are standard. I guess it's parts of me again. I guess I"m not afraid of feeling pain or ill, it's more I'm afraid of that feeling of being in pain or ill and being alone. I don't have help in my current life either, I will have to take care of myself. Maybe that's what I need to work on, being more willing to take care of myself even when in theory I "shouldn't have to." Being willing to feel the feelings around having to take care of myself when I don't feel well.

I knew I didn't feel well. I did see several doctors, get tests. Yet, the problem wasn't seen, or heard. A disconnection.

I continue to be amazed at the mind-body connection, and disconnection. So many of my physical problems were psychologized over the years. Being willing to feel the shortness of breath and still breathing deeply into my lungs is a mind-body intervention that makes a difference. I continue to struggle with grief and self-blame, surely the stress I've endured has led to these autoimmune and cancerous conditions. I continue to try to hold onto All of Me, mind and body together, past and present, and navigate in coordination and cooperation. Listening to the fears, flashbacks, griefs, regrets and recriminations while also keeping the promise of some help in sight, doctors who do care, doctors who want to help, doctors who will not abuse, the adult me who can pre-cook meals or get myself a glass of water. With my chart corrected by the primary to now reflect my actual conditions and not a slew of biases, "functional" "anxiety" and "out of shape," the way forward should be much smoother sailing, too.

I continue in PT and am in fact in amazing shape, TYVM. I've gained muscle, can lift heavy, can run long. When I told the PT about my lung scan he put an oximeter on to see and I do dip way into the 80s. Not great. So no more running for me, but it gives me some peace to know it wasn't hysteria, and I add 5 pounds to the weights every time I go. The knee is just a little tweaky now, and all I can do is keep loading it.

And so coming to know All of Me continues. Who thought it was hyteria? Who bought that pile of crap? Who blocked out the discomfort to keep running? Where was I running to? What was I running from? And---what now?

When I look back at the goals I had a few months back, I've come very close to them. And that feels really good. I really didn't think I'd do any of them. My goals were:
Hire the PT to do personal training once PT runs out.
Go to new art studio and see what happens.
Continue "Swedish death cleaning" to take charge of my space and so that we can relocate once kid graduates. I can't have things I can't move or manage myself. I want a lighter life. Unload stuff.
Find a mentor to continue painting training.
Find a context in person to be with other people at least weekly. A hiking group, a book group... ?
Find a volunteer opportunity in person.
Figure out what to do with my small business and find a new career goal if I want to close it.

I don't yet have an art mentor, and haven't been to the art studio. I'm going to look for ways to do more with art in the weeks and months ahead. I did visit an art museum, reorganized my painting table, and sign up for one painting class this summer.

I've joined the gym and have a workout routine. I'm out of the house every day of the week now. I'm cooking and eating three meals. I've unloaded about a third of my house, another third to go. I'm training at the wildlife rehab and soon for ESL tutoring. I've closed my business for now and just said "no" to another client

Speaking of saying no, I think this has been a key. The more I stop fawning, the more I am free to be All of Me, and not just one part. It happened again last week. I was going to start work as an equine learning specialist, but the lady was operating in a way I don't like, unpredictable, unprofessional. In the end, she didn't add me to her insurance, and so I said if I'm not covered, I won't come. And that was it. No drama. I didn't blame myself, chastise myself, second guess myself. I didn't overthink for days how to explain myself, if she was upset (she was!), or consider reversing my decision. I just moved on.

It's cliche: learning to say no. And I've worked on boundaries and saying no for years. Suddenly, in ways big and small, I can do it.

In the past I was often put into impossible situations. Amazingly, I often managed to come out with enough cards to keep playing. I got through school, college, degrees, jobs, life. but.....I often did it by fawning. Sometimes by fleeing. Rarely by fighting. Always by overworking, working overtime, working too hard for too little.

There were double binds of all kinds growing up. So many double binds.

One of the most mild ones was that if I got straight A's for 3 years, I would receive a horse. Got straight As. No horse. And so the horse has always been a trigger for this dynamic. I'll work for free to ride a horse. I'll volunteer without insurance just to be with a horse. etc etc for a horse. Substitute "horse" for "house." "car" "job" "title" "chance"......

Now, no. Me first. All of Me. I don't need to make deals, play games, or execute extreme feats of effort in order to get what I want. Because deals, games, and extreme feats are not what I want.

What I want comes to me easily, really. Just email the wildlife rehab. Just show up at the gym. I am free. I can go here, there, or stay home. I can go to the wildlife rehab, or quit. I can pat the horse at the rescue farm and tell him my troubles. Or I can walk my dog instead.

I'm not entirely sure yet what exactly the trigger for these patterns of fawning, overworking, being taken advantage of is. Whether it's wanting itself that sets me off, or a belief that I will only get something if it costs me everything, or if it's just any power differential, or a belief that I'm somehow worth less than others. I am going to continue to watch for this dynamic and look for opportunities to say no. Opportunities to pick up my mat and leave, to refuse to show up without a safety net that everyone else has, to say no to a doctor when he asks my support person to leave the room.

And then? Use the space the "no" created to find what I want to say yes to. Step by step. The only way I can say yes is to walk into it, experience it. I can't know it only in my mind. I'll know in my bones. I have to remember this. How the past connects to the present. And also, how it doesn't. How I always loved horses. And how I don't need to compromise my safety or dignity or health to access a horse. How everyone wants a house. And I don't need to erase myself to live in one. How a car is just a way to get from here to there, and I don't need to sell my soul to buy one. How I don't need to become someone else to have a job. I can find a job that All of Me can do, wants to do. That it's ok now to know all of what I know. It's ok to be All of Me.

[NarcKiddo]

It's good to see you back.

I'm sorry you have lung issues to contend with along with everything else. Except of course you have always had them to contend with - they just weren't properly flagged. I have long and woeful experience of doctors being utterly rubbish where lungs are concerned. Mine diagnosed an issue in 2011 but never actually bothered to explain it to my face. Sigh. I'm also a never smoker. I highly recommend a book by Noah Greenspan called Ultimate Pulmonary Wellness (I think that's the title. Something like that.) He's a respiratory physiotherapist and the book gives loads of useful and actionable information. Well done for keeping up with the exercise and for tweaking it to something your lungs can deal with.

[Dalloway]

Hannah,
reading your post was for some reason the thing I needed today - full of energy and awareness, it´s just beautiful. I´m sorry for all the stuff regarding your health. From what you wrote though, I have a feeling that you got this and even if you don´t, you´ll manage because that´s what means to be All of You.  I´m glad you´ve had a bunch of positive changes in your life these past four months and that you´re giving yourself the biggest gift you can - your full attention and acceptance.