Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[Hope67]

Hi Zen_Racer,
My sincere condolences on the death of your friend.  Also, sorry to hear that your other recent friendship ended last week. 

I think you did well to write these things, and sending you a supportive hug -  - you are dealing with a lot of things - I hope that you can find some rest and recuperation on the weekend and time to process things as and when you want/feel able to. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your friend. Also about the ending of another friendship and the one that is feeling toxic. That's a lot to handle at all, let alone in a short space of time. Plus a change of T.

You are dealing with a lot, ZR, and I hope you are finding ways to be kind to yourself and take whatever rest you need.

 

[zen_racer]

Thank you Hope and NK.  I finally got enough sleep, and I'm feeling a little better.  I know that none of these things are destroying my life.  I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to be overwhelmed when things pile up like this.  I do wish I hadn't gotten those memories back though.  I guess I at least now know why I felt like I deserved to feel so bad.  Big surprise, it was something that wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve, and my M used as an excuse to attack me and tell me how horrible of a person I was.

I'm guessing that's the type of memory that would be a good target for emdr therapy.

The weather here is supposed to be rainy and yucky all weekend, so I'm planning on spending a fair bit of time attempting more grounding work, processing, and spending less time with screens and more time either doing house work or reading.

Thank you again.  Hugs for both of you.    

[TheBigBlue]

  ,    and support.

[zen_racer]

TW for self harm



I'm still having issues with the memories that came back this last week.  I've previously written about remembering the worst night of the drinking binge I went through.  What I remembered last week was a lot of what lead up to that night.  When I started the drinking binge, I was using it as an escape from everything in my life.  Eventually I started drinking enough that I would have a hangover, and I would get really sick.  That's when I started drinking more, and doing anything I could to make the hangover worse, because I felt like I deserved to feel as horrible as my M told me I was.  Worse even.  I kept drinking specifically to make myself feel as bad physically as I felt emotionally.  I think this was also when I was the worst about cutting, and I think my worst scars came from this.

I know I've written about it before, but the reason my M was attacking me and telling me how horrible I was as a person was because I had been giving up my life to keep my grandpa (her dad) out of a nursing home, but eventually he got too bad, and I couldn't do it alone anymore.  She wouldn't do anything to help, and she blamed me for her dad's medical condition.  She screamed and yelled at me every chance she got.  She'd tell me how I ruined her life, and my grandpa's life.  That I let them all down.  She was angry and spiteful and vengeful.  And I believed her even though I knew she was wrong.  I already felt guilty for not being able to help my grandpa anymore, but he started being delusional every time he'd see me, and wouldn't let me help him anymore.  I was still a young kid that shouldn't have been abandoned to try and take care of him alone.  I shouldn't have been blamed for him getting sick with Alzheimer's.

I think this is a big part of why I still don't feel like I deserve self compassion. Why I feel like I have to apologize for even existing.  I deserved being helped and supported, and so did my grandpa.  I never deserved be constantly attacked by people that should have supported me.  I never deserved to have their misplaced anger and rage affect my own perception of myself for so long.  I never deserved how badly I treated myself because of their abuse.

That was why I had moved away.  Unfortunately, 22 years away and dissociation made me not realize how bad it would be moving back to be around them again.  And being around them again for the last 4.5 years is why I'm as bad as I am now.