Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Thank you everyone.

NK, I appreciate the support. 

SanMagic, I don't really know.  I'm probably grieving to some degree.  I think a lot of the issues I have with those memories is anguish for what I got from my M, and I don't really know if that's related to grief over what I should've gotten.  I think I might still be having issues accessing proper grief.  At least, I've just been reading about that in Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving, and it seems like it fits.  Love and hugs, SanMagic. 

Marcine, I also appreciated her asking that, and then being assertive but polite in doing more to make sure I was okay when I was obviously having issues and had no plan to take care of myself.  I agree that it was a positive session. 

Hope, it definitely was a positive session.  Unfortunately, I did not sleep well.  I tweaked my back at work the previous day, and it's hurting a little more this morning than it was yesterday, unfortunately.  I'll be fine though.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, i think grieving is one of the things that goes both ways - we can grieve for what we lost, and also for what we never got.  i have a lot of grief to get thru because of the latter.  it's not usually something that's worked on in therapy, i've found.  more like, yeah, everyone has grieving to do.  i do know and continue to discover, how much i've lost because of what i didn't get that i needed in my life.  they're intertwined a lot of the time.  but that also can be how much i lost of myself, in my relationships, and in understanding everyday life because of what i DID get that wasn't beneficial for me. 

i think anguish is a good word here - i looked it up.  it may be a feeling i've overlooked cuz i've certainly been carrying a lot of pain and unhappiness within me.  lots of distress.  just didn't know how to bundle those up into one feeling, but, again, it would explain a lot of my life.  thank you for that.  and thanks for the love and hugs.  very special.  and i'm sending them right back to you.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Sorry you tweaked your back. Hope it eases up soon.

The new therapist sounds very caring and helpful. I'm glad.

[zen_racer]

hey, ZR, i think grieving is one of the things that goes both ways - we can grieve for what we lost, and also for what we never got.  i have a lot of grief to get thru because of the latter.  it's not usually something that's worked on in therapy, i've found.  more like, yeah, everyone has grieving to do.  i do know and continue to discover, how much i've lost because of what i didn't get that i needed in my life.  they're intertwined a lot of the time.  but that also can be how much i lost of myself, in my relationships, and in understanding everyday life because of what i DID get that wasn't beneficial for me. 

i think anguish is a good word here - i looked it up.  it may be a feeling i've overlooked cuz i've certainly been carrying a lot of pain and unhappiness within me.  lots of distress.  just didn't know how to bundle those up into one feeling, but, again, it would explain a lot of my life.  thank you for that.  and thanks for the love and hugs.  very special.  and i'm sending them right back to you.  love and hugs

This is a really interesting response, SanMagic.  It made me think about it.  I know that in books and such, it's said that we have to grieve what we should have gotten, but didn't.  We have to grieve the relationship that we wanted and didn't get.  I understand that, but to me that is something that's hidden in the background.  Something I can get to later.  But what is obvious, extremely present, impossible to ignore was the vast amounts of abuse that I did get.  It seems like a distinction to me, but I'm not exactly certain about what the difference means.  Can I grieve getting something I didn't want?

After looking it up, I think my issue is semantics.  I can have grief over the abuse, but even though it's related, I think grieving is slightly different.  At least to my mind.  This is something I obviously need to learn a little more about.

[zen_racer]

The new therapist sounds very caring and helpful. I'm glad.

Thank you NK.  I think I may have made my back slightly worse at work today, but it's okay.  It's probably going to be fine in a day or two.  Fortunately, I've had enough injuries to know this one isn't bad.

I do like the new therapist.  Her genuine caring nature is something I needed at the end of that session.

I hope you're doing well.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, i think what you're needing as far as your M's abuse is resolution.  you've been traumatized by what she did to you, by how she didn't protect you, and that's caused trauma, at least from my perspective.  trauma means, from what i've learned, that the images, pain, everything that went into the trauma has gotten frozen in our neural networks, and those need to be unfrozen, usually thru therapy, so that they can be re-wired into a healthier way of thinking and taking care of ourselves.

our trauma issues need to be resolved - the actual abuse part of them, and then we can grieve what we weren't able to do in our lives because of them.  you made me think, too, and this is what came to mind.  so, yeah, i think we both had a part of it - and when we're able to put those two parts together, we have a clearer, healthier path ahead of us afterwards.  does that make sense?  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

hey, ZR, i think what you're needing as far as your M's abuse is resolution.  you've been traumatized by what she did to you, by how she didn't protect you, and that's caused trauma, at least from my perspective.  trauma means, from what i've learned, that the images, pain, everything that went into the trauma has gotten frozen in our neural networks, and those need to be unfrozen, usually thru therapy, so that they can be re-wired into a healthier way of thinking and taking care of ourselves.

our trauma issues need to be resolved - the actual abuse part of them, and then we can grieve what we weren't able to do in our lives because of them.  you made me think, too, and this is what came to mind.  so, yeah, i think we both had a part of it - and when we're able to put those two parts together, we have a clearer, healthier path ahead of us afterwards.  does that make sense?  love and hugs

That makes a LOT of sense, SanMagic.  I'm going to try to hold onto that after my session next week.  I'm not looking forward to that one.  I like the therapist, and she has definitely won me over with how she paid attention, knew something wasn't right with me, and went out of her way past the time for the session to make sure I was okay.  But next week, we are going to get to the stuff that's really difficult.  The memories I wish I never got back.

...

I think it's time to head back to the Healing Porch for the fire you have going.

Love and hugs. 

[zen_racer]

It's still morning, I'm having coffee on the chaise by the windows with my cat sleeping near me.  I have a definite sense of duality this morning, and I think it's a good thing.  Ever since getting that last round of memories back and having started with the new therapist, I've been recalibrating how bad things seemed about the things I've been through.  I've been in touch with things that broke me when I was younger.  In the mornings when I'd spend 15 minutes checking in with myself before leaving for work, it would only take a few seconds of turning off the mask before I'd start crying.  I wouldn't even have to think about any of memories.  Just being open to see how I'm feeling and there it is.  It makes me feel weak.  I know that's not true, but the potential for how it could affect my job if I lose control while at work makes me just a little bit scared of what's inside. 

This morning, that connection with the memories, with the trauma and abuse and abandonment and neglect are still there.  But rather than feeling like I need to block it out, I feel a resilience.  A subtle strength, like I'm starting to believe that there might actually be a path forward.  I'm definitely not there yet, but I think this new therapist will help me get there.

I've been trying to do grounding exercises for a while now.  I'm not super consistent.  I'm not even fairly consistent, but I am doing it some.  I think I've had one time recently where I was carrying just a little less tension than normal.  I'm hoping things start to get better, and that my body starts to trust me again.  That said, this morning I checking in on the tension and how my body was feeling, and for the first time noticed how much tension I was keeping even just on my head.  My brow, my cheeks, my jaw, even holding my ears forward or back like a sort of auto-focus for my glasses.  Last weekend, I laid down and just tried to notice the tension in my body, and I felt my torso start releasing tension in steps, each one seeming like I just released all the tension only to be followed by another step.  When I really focus on trying to feel what my body is telling me, I start feeling tingling all over, like my body is screaming to get me to notice, and I've just turned off all sensitivity to it.

I don't know what normal is supposed to feel like.  Not with emotional stability, not with muscular tension.  All of my systems have dialed back the range of what it detects so I'd only have to react to the major threats.  I think that's why I'm having such a hard time creating any sense of safety.  I don't feel unsafe, but it's obvious that I don't feel any safety either.

[NarcKiddo]

Not knowing what normal might be like makes everything so much harder. Although I suppose another way of looking at that is that it could be more freeing. You don't have a goal to pursue or a standard to maintain. You just set sail and trust yourself, making decisions based on feedback from your body. Sounds so easy. Is so hard.