Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[HannahOne]

Driving is so stressful sometimes! Especially when folks have road rage it can be triggering. Sometimes I have to take a cold shower or lie down to recover.

[sanmagic7]

i hope it fades soon as well, DF.  and that no one got hurt.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

So well, I suppose I'm sort of back. I'm really still trying to sort things out. I'll try to get back later and elaborate. I will be seeing the GP again this afternoon.

Thank for the support, friends.

San, luckily no one got hurt although it did stress me out too much. I really sometimes feel I do not know whether I can actually judge if anyone was in danger or not, and I find that disconcerting.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, Desert Flower. I hope your GP appointment goes well this afternoon.

[HannahOne]

DesertFlower, it can be hard to judge sometimes what is really dangerous and what isn't. And that IS a disconcerting feeling, to not know. I experience self-doubt around this as well.

I hope the appointment today gives you what you need.

[Desert Flower]

So here's the real update. Spoiler: I'm fine.

I did have some rough times though. I'm now out the other end of this autism evaluation tunnel I was in. It turns out the professionals do not see autism in me. Some of me does look a lot like autism. And I am now officially diagnosed with the one diagnosis that I certainly did not want to receive: Cluster C Personality Disorder. This will probably not surprise any of you. Or me, in fact. Only I so did not want it. And it brought out the little voice a few times, saying wouldn't it be easier if we just stopped trying altogether? I know it's a part of me saying this, desperately tired of trying. But the others are here too, carrying on.

Strange as it may seem, I wanted to get the Autism diagnosis. Because I thought it would relieve me of the burden of guilt and shame, of things all having been my fault, and of having to exert myself some more still to get better, because in case of autism, there would not have to be any 'better' (in my case that is, not saying anything about autism in general because I do not know about that).

So I got the diagnosis a week ago. I cried for a whole day and then some more. I felt so stupid and embarrassed for having told everybody I might have autism and now I was gonna have to tell them (and you) I don't. But I told most of everybody by now and the responses are very sympathetic. Sympathy still seems to surprise me.

This 'C' is everything really. Yes, it's a stubborn and obnoxious pattern of avoidance, dependance and compulsivity. Which is all just 'Coping' really. Patterns that I will have to deal with. BUT it is recognition and validation too. Of the burden I've been carrying. And that things have in fact not been so easy for me, as they seem to be for other (normal? ha ha) people. It is my Cassandra, my not wanting to believe and finally believing that yes, this is in fact how things are. 'C' is also, incidentally, the first letter of my M's name. And I read some official statistic somewhere that said that 75% of people with PD's are also traumatised. Which should not come as any surprise here of course.

And at the same time, as Dr. Schwarz pointed out, all of us, no matter how traumatised or stuck or seemingly falling into the same patterns over and over again, we (our 'Self') still has and always will have the 'C-Qualities'. Even when these qualities are buried under a big pile of C (that is, Cow) dung. They are: Curiosity, Calm, Confidence, Compassion, Creativity, Clarity, Courage and Connectedness.

The last of which brings me back here in fact. While autism was being investigated, I felt ashamed and embarrassed to come to the forum, having told you all these 'stories' of me being traumatised and now, none of this was going to be true and I would have misled all of you and I didn't want to face that. And I am now back here, ashamed and embarrassed nonetheless, for looking for a way to feel better. Which should not be an embarrassment of any sort at all! And while I isolated myself from friends and forum, I missed you tremendously. It felt like a very lonely process, me doing all of it myself and nobody to cheer me on, because it didn't really matter to anyone like it did to me. And just looking around on the forum these past few days is helping me heal again. The Connectedness of us, the bunch of us who understand each other, not feeling so terribly lonesome anymore, is making all the difference in the world to me. It's so great to see y'all here again!

So I am back, on my way, again.

Some practical stuff to be put on record here. The GP visit yesterday went fine, this was the really kind and sweet GP again, I'm only requesting to see her now, not the other one who is made out of concrete it seems. Because I am supposed to seek treatment again for this C-stuff now. If only to keep the company doctor happy because I am still on sick leave. Who may actually be of help now too, as he did mention before the company also has some psychological service that I might use (if I did not have autism). So I'm asking him next monday.

And I'll be fine, somehow.

Thank you for reading, if you made it this far.

[Chart]

Df, I made it to the end no problem whatsoever
Thank you... again... How many times has this occurred to me? Reading the story of another and find elements of my own experience buried (not even so deep) within.

Your description of guilt surrounding the process you've recently undergone rings loud and clear to me.

I've just gotten out of my psy/therapist's office and the realization of guilt... guilt embedded... guilt constructed... guilt inherent and total enmeshed in my experience of just being a baby and having the chance to be born... I had no explanation for the behavior of my father, so it must have been me.

I believe such a feeling sends a decent honest person on a roller coaster ride of seeking comprehension their entire lives.

And for that there is no shame. You (we?) all good people are just trying to be the best, fullest, complete-est person we can be. No apology is necessary.

It's all about coming to know and love ourselves. Ultimately doing a job that was "supposed" to have been done for us. No apology necessary.

And connecting is truly magic. Thank you for sharing yourself. It's wonderful to know you (whatever diagnostic you eventually "choose"
 

[Desert Flower]

And thank you too Chart, once again, for your kind words of encouragement, for being you and for being here. 

[Desert Flower]

Just wanted to get a few words in about the way I envision to proceed (how does that sound in English, I don't know).

The way I see it is this: I am the one who will have to do all the work. And as my h pointed out, there is no therapist anywhere that knows as much about this condition I have, or that has any tools I do not already know. All there is, is me steadily and persistently practicing using them. I will. Continue to do my meditations and my "Feeding the Demons" and looking for "Emptiness". No labels, no concepts, just being 'here' and experiencing life in the now. No pushing any fear or anger away but feeling it and living on with the discomfort of that. Not at all easy but there is no other way I see.

And to keep the company doctor happy, because I do not expect him to understand my search for "Emptiness", and so he will allow me to take baby steps and great care in returning to only a little part of my work, I will be initiating two routes, waiting and seeing which of these will be the first to lead to anything. To maybe improve some tiny bit more (not expecting any substantial miracles here):

1. Regular therapy for the C-cluster stuff, initiated through the GP, in a regular care facility that has the laughable waiting period of 999 days as they said on my application (I suspect this is just the maximum waiting period the system alllows them to type) or 258 people as they said on the phone. I kid you not. I actually thought about turning this 999 day thing into some kind of protest work of art. Sending them a postcard each of these 999 days or something. This is because I am in the 'complicated' and/but 'functioning' limbo.
But presumably, there is some skipping-the-line-procedure for parents in my municipality that have a kid in their affiliate facility, which I do at the moment. Although on the phone, they could not tell me what this would mean in terms of the actual waiting period. So, still not expecting any developments short term here, but we'll see.

2. Similar therapy, initiated through the company doctor, for employees of certain organisations (like my employer apparently), that presumably has a waiting period of 10 weeks, which would not be considered bad at all over here.

I could easily elaborate here on the inadequacy of the way this is organised in my country and the inequality and injustices it brings, I will not but I will say it really sucks.

Let's see how this goes nonetheless.