I Am

[HannahOne]

Wow Bach, your post really resonated with me. I can feel your frustration! Makes sense to be frustrated as it sounds like you've done a lot of work in therapy.

I guess I think of it as these beliefs were instilled in us so young when we barely had a prefrontal cortex online. So words only could change so much. Once I stopped arguing with my beliefs in my mind and starting living out challenges to them in action, I could feel both my resistance and fear of change, and also the thrill of something different, something I DID believe or value. Somatic therapies helped, and, it's a work in progress.

[sanmagic7]

bach, i think trauma grabs hold of us, and it's what is not letting go.  those wires in our brains need to be re-wired cuz that's where the trauma sits.  i was married to a 12-stepper who would always tell me to 'let go and let god' and i'd tell him, i give it to god all the time, but it flies back and latches onto me again. 

i don't think it's very easy to 'let go' of traumatic experiences, beliefs, sensations.  i don't think it's an easy process, like snapping our fingers and it's gone.  i do think our trauma has to be processed thru before we can come out the other side.  our brain connections have to be re-wired.  just a thought:  maybe this therapist has gone as far with you as they are able, and you might need someone different, more versed in trauma, per se.  i think being expected to 'let go' gets very frustrating, and self-deprecating (like what's wrong with me? types of thoughts) because it's a complex and complicated process our brains need help with in order to re-wire themselves.

if none of this makes sense for you, please ignore.  its all just my own thoughts on the subject.  love and hugs, 

[HannahOne]

So much agree with SM7s take. Solidarity, Bach.

[Chart]

Hey Bach, I totally agree with Hannah and San. Letting go is nearly impossible because it's a survival strategy. And that wiring is as deep as it gets. So suggestions to "just let go" are at best annoying and at worst a big guilt trip, "What's wrong with me that I can't just let go?"

What's working for me is meditation. Retraining the brain to recognize and reinforce relaxed "open" states of mind. I started April 5th. One hour in the morning and one hour before bed. My determination is entirely driven by that frustration you expressed so susinctly. I am sick to death of being slave to my mind. I'm really fed up with depression. I managed to use anger to get the energy to "take on" my own mind. Meditation is now something I just do and I'm unshamed that it's all about feeling better. I want to feel better. And it's not easy, but I'm aware of improvement. Nothing radical ( I'm not singing in the shower and skipping down the street. BUT I AM more deeply inherently, intrinsically PATIENT with everything... especially the Cptsd-poop. It's as if the emotional volume has been turned down 15%.

I'll take it.

I also believe that trend will continue.

Anyway, that's my experience so far.
 

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with what the others have said. And maybe it isn't a question of letting go at all. Chart's comment about meditation has made me wonder if maybe it is a question of finding you, and filling yourself up with what is important to you until there is no space left for all the things that have infiltrated.

[Bach]

I'm in a state today.  I have disturbing dreams almost every night, and sometimes I can shake them off but other times, like today, they linger.  Last night I dreamed that I knew I was about to die.  I was trying to figure out where I should do it, and telling myself that I was not afraid.  I thought about going to lie down in my bed and die there, but for some unknown reason that didn't seem right.  I've been a bit preoccupied with death lately.  I'd like for that to stop, but I don't seem to be able to make it. 

So, I woke up, still alive, not about to die at all, trying to shake off the gloom and the spacey feeling left by the dream.  Then I checked my email, and looked at the "informed delivery" email I get from the post office every morning.  I saw that I was set to receive a letter from the IRS and a certified letter from a law firm in a neighbouring town.  Instant panic!  Was there something wrong with my tax return?  Do I owe the IRS thousands of dollars that I don't have?  And a certified letter from a law firm, *?!?  The only thing I could think of was that perhaps we were being sued by the contractor who installed our solar panels almost two years ago, left a leak in the roof that they have "fixed" a few times but never actually fixed at all, and billed us for thousands of dollars that we don't have.  Not to mention that they claimed they had found a nail in the attic ceiling that was causing the leak, a nail which, guess what, did not appear in the any of the photographs or videos we took when we first found the leak over a year ago.  Shameless crooks!  Though we haven't heard from them in a while, I've been worried that there would be further trouble coming from them, and meanwhile we still have to keep a bucket on the floor in the back bedroom to catch drips that come down through the light fixture.  Certified letter?!?  Cue the inner dialogue to try to calm myself down. "It will be okay.  Whatever it is, we'll deal with it.  It'll work out."  That wasn't working.  The Weird Al song that goes "I'll sue you, I'll take all your money, I'll sue you if you even look at me funny!" was playing over and over in my head.  I did meditation and breathing exercises that didn't help.  "Calm down.  It's okay.  Just wait for the mail and see what it is.  Whatever it is, we'll deal with it."  Then the mail came, and the joke was purely on me!  The certified letter was from the city, something about an application to subdivide a property across the river from where I live, not sure what it's all about but certainly no immediate threat to anything in my life.  And the IRS letter was...informing me that they weren't charging me a penalty for a late filing. Ha!  What a relief!  And yet, I don't feel any better.  I feel like I'm going to start screaming and never stop.  I feel trapped between my weariness of life and my fear of death.  Fear and angst and rage and disappointment.  There's not a single good feeling in here anywhere today. 

[NarcKiddo]

I find that sometimes when I get myself really worked up in anticipation of some horrible disaster it almost feels like an anti-climax when the disaster doesn't come. Like I've done all this work preparing for it and now what? I can't even have a good crisis? It makes no sense and it sucks.

I'm glad your letters were an intellectual relief and I hope that at some point soon they will also become an emotional relief.

 

[HannahOne]

Bach, I'm so sorry you had bad dreams. Your panic about the mail makes total sense to me. I've reacted the same way. I'm relieved that they were not bad news! Maybe some kind of EF is at play here. Solidarity.

[Bach]

I'm working on learning to tolerate discomfort. Making a conscious effort to notice discomfort and accept it without having to immediately seek to escape it. This is a micro exercise for me, a few moments of sitting and doing nothing here, a moment of acknowledging but not acting on a urge to eat or vape or play that stupid video game or chase after Other there. Putting the thing away where it belongs instead of leaving it out, washing a few dishes instead of letting them pile up. Doing the finger exercise for brain rewiring instead of biting my nails (oh that one is so hard, the nail biting thing comes and goes but lately is almost as bad as it has ever been). All the stuff I wish I had learned to do when I was young, not too late for it now. I am grateful that I still have the chance.

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds really good, Bach. Realising that discomfort will pass, just like emotions, is a big thing and hard to do in the moment, when all you want is for the discomfort to just go, now. I'm proud of you.

[Blueberry]

I'm working on learning to tolerate discomfort. Making a conscious effort to notice discomfort and accept it without having to immediately seek to escape it. This is a micro exercise for me, a few moments of sitting and doing nothing here, a moment of acknowledging but not acting on a urge to eat or vape or play that stupid video game or chase after Other there. Putting the thing away where it belongs instead of leaving it out, washing a few dishes instead of letting them pile up. Doing the finger exercise for brain rewiring instead of biting my nails (oh that one is so hard, the nail biting thing comes and goes but lately is almost as bad as it has ever been). All the stuff I wish I had learned to do when I was young, not too late for it now. I am grateful that I still have the chance.

Sounds huge to me, Bach!

[Bach]

I had an interesting experience today in which I went into a flashback but I was able to recognise that it was happening and stay present and calm.  I observed my distress and didn't try to suppress it, just let it move through me until I got some perspective on it.  I was not able to recapture the happy mood I had been in before the triggering incident, but I accepted it and went on to have a more functional day than I would usually have following that kind of thing.  My mind has been clear and I have not ruminated or felt overwhelmed. I've caught myself starting to ruminate a few times and have been able to curtail it. I have been aware of significant distress in my body throughout the day, and while obviously that is not pleasant, it has been surprisingly tolerable.  I have not done anything either emotionally or physically self-destructive in response to the flashback.  This is progress.