Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

 

[HannahOne]

Dancing to "The Promise" by When in Rome, at the stove stirring lentil soup, Frank cuddling on the couch, thinking to myself, "HannahOne, you made it. You're here."

[HannahOne]

I am having a little panic but I'm riding the waves. Almost time for the class. I have almost finished and I'm shocked how well it turned out. I want to learn to shift into these states where I have access to what I know. I don't quite understand the mechanism. How I shift into a state where I can't access. Just anxiety makes it hard to think? Will continue to observe.

So many feelings. Excitement, pride, fear, worry, shame, hope, happiness, longing, discouragement. Clearly this does mean a lot to me, the community of painters, doing the work, being part of things, making something beautiful. Parts of me want to quit because of fear and pain. Other parts think it's worth it.

I notice the same patterns in my relationships. I want, and I fear. I want to quit/leave. And I want. Disorganized attachment, anyone? I want to be organized. I mostly internalize, no one knows from the outside the storm inside. That was a survival mechanism. So I don't have stormy relationships. But inside, a big storm. I want to settle.

A little worried about the socializing. How awkward will I be. I can be pretty awkward.

My outfit is good Ate my protein and calories.

Happy for All of Me that this is my life, and not the ones my family members took of drugs and homelessness. I lived in fear for so long of my future. Now this future is my present and my past is with me and in me, but I'm not in it. I'm not living in the past. the present is pretty good.