Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Trigger Warning - describing a mindset that's triggering for me

I am starting to feel an immense sense of dread regarding the next therapy session on Wednesday.  It's nothing about the idea of therapy, or the new therapist.  This is 100% the result of realizing how much we're still going to have to go over in creating the timeline she wants to have to base the therapy plan on.  I was going to do a massive trigger warning and use a post here to organize a list for that timeline, and quickly realized that's not a good idea for multiple reasons.  Things like not having personally identifying information on here, and not subjecting anyone that would read it despite the massive warning to a list like that.  I started typing it up in a note taking app.  From where we had left off, I thought it would be a small list to get to the really big things.  Instead, when I try to remember what from my past could be considered traumatic, it's a list that never ends.  I started recognizing the patterns when I learned about cptsd, but I never realized it was so comprehensive.

I have quit this endeavor.  I don't need to be prepared.  I can wing it, and update the timeline later if needed.  I know she wants this timeline, but she has also made sure I know we can stop and talk about anything else if I need/want to.  Maybe I do need to pace myself.  I find myself starting to think about things the same way I would back then.  The current adult me thinking about taking care of myself and slowing down the pace, but the self compassion is still awkward if not uncomfortable, so now there's this younger mindset thinking that it would be weak to slow down, that I can always handle more, that I have such a capacity for suffering that this won't seem bad.  Except I know it would be bad.

I'm beginning to recognize that particular mindset as how I learned to treat myself as bad as my abusers did.  That's not how it started though.  It was telling myself that I could withstand anything.  That I was stronger than anyone could ever imagine, and that it all came from sheer willpower.  But I guess that's just what I had to tell myself, because I had no choice and couldn't get away from the abuse.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you have quit the endeavour and I think you are right to pace yourself. I also wonder if you are maybe trying to do too good a job for the therapist. It probably warrants further discussion with her, given the vast quantity of traumatic experiences you have. It may actually be that all she wants from a timeline is a basic timeframe - such as earliest memory of abuse (what/when) and information about any periods in your life when abuse or symptoms changed in any notable way (got less/more bearable, different perps started/stopped - that sort of thing). Clearly I have no idea of what level of detail she wants but I find it hard to believe she is expecting an enormously detailed list.

I realise that even compiling a basic timeline has its own challenges and I think it is important you are taking care of yourself and not allowing yourself to become overwhelmed with this task.

It may also be that when she realises the scale of the list she may want to discuss with you whether a specific therapy plan might need to wait a little, to give you both a chance to get to grips with the timescale together.

Please tell the therapist about this sense of dread. It's important information.

 

[zen_racer]

Thank you for the response, NK. As a people pleaser, I don't doubt that wanting to do good for the therapist is one reason, but it's not my primary goal. I'm also an overachiever, and I want to do good for me. This wasn't a homework assignment she gave me, I was just wanting to organize my thoughts before the session. We aren't getting into super fine details, but there are just so many different ways either the trauma or abuse happened, and then all the different ways it affected my life or changed the ways I did things. And it came from all angles, I'm finding out.

As for the first memory of abuse, it's the earliest memory I have.

I want to make a joke about the dread, like I can quit dread any time I want. Lol. You're right though. I have a feeling she already knows. We scheduled this appointment at the end of the last appointment after my demeanor changed so suddenly, and she specifically scheduled me as the last appointment, I think in case I need a little extra care like last time.

I will tell her though. You're good at pointing out when I should put more of an emphasis on how I'm doing, and I really appreciate that. Thank you. 

[zen_racer]

I spent a bit of time this evening trying some grounding exercises, and then did some reading in Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.  I was reading a section about Gratitude and Good Enough Parenting.  Paraphrased and condensed, it explains the philosophy of "good enough" as the tool to fight against the urge for the absolutes of perfectionism.  Then there's a quote: "Children who receive good enough parenting easily recognize and protect themselves from bullying and exploitive people because they do not have to become accustomed to being treated unfairly."

That was brutal, and puts a lot of things in perspective about my life.

I decided to try asking AI about building a list of somatic exercises, which it happily did.  It brought up the 5-4-3-2-1 methong.  5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.  Under the things you can hear, it listed "your breath" as an example.  That's when it became glaringly obvious how I typically breathe slow and controlled so I can't even hear me breathe.  I've learned to walk perfectly silently and do it so naturally that I often scare people at work accidentally, even if I'm wearing safety toe boots.  I used to think I wanted to grow up to become a ninja because they were cool, but now I'm wondering if it was because I wanted to just disappear. I certainly learned how to make myself small.

Okay, something positive to end on.  I'm thinking about ordering 1 or 2 emotion charts to hang up at home, and putting effort into naming how I'm feeling when taking time to check in with myself.

[Marcine]

Hi ZR,
I'm always inspired to hear your determination to heal.

"I'm thinking about ordering 1 or 2 emotion charts to hang up at home, and putting effort into naming how I'm feeling when taking time to check in with myself."

It was a game changer for me when I started routinely checking in with myself and building my emotional literacy. (Giving credit where credit is due— Richard Grannon/Fortress Mental Health Protection, his older work on YouTube).

My emotional comprehension was rudimentary at first. Now, at this point, I am fully comfortable, at any given moment, naming three of my main feelings and peeling the layer back to name the underlying emotions to each.

Then, welcoming the feelings as noble messengers and guides.

It's been a valuable journey. If I slack on the practice, I feel the hangover quickly— there's gonna be more shutdown internally, more pessimism, less aliveness. Yuck.

So it's a daily practice for me.
On my path to being a best friend to myself.

[SenseOrgan]

zen_racer
Thanks for clarifying that (#267). I makes sense to me that fear of the past repeating itself comes up, and I can see the realism in that too. Signaling this concern and taking it seriously is a good thing in my book. Part of self care. It makes me wonder if you'd like to slow things down a little, if possible? Or perhaps giving the attention to the self destructive parts priority in therapy?

Logic often doesn't help me much either when it comes to fear. I think the specific fear your mentioned is making you aware of something important. I know this is a tough one for many of us here, but would you say you'd actually need a more robust support system to be able to deal with what is (almost) coming up? It hurts a little to ask this question, because this chicken/egg thing was a big part of what kept me stuck and desperate for years. I'll go into support a bit more answering your question in my journal.

Oh, before I forget. Yesterday I stumbled upon a comprehensive list of feelings created by the non violent communication community. If you want I can look it up for you. It's offered as a document, free of charge.

Marcine
Thank you! The feeling is definitively mutual!