Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Thank you SanMagic.  Because of a couple instances in therapy with this T, she will stop and ask me how I'm doing and if I'm present in the room.  I have been pretty good at being honest.  The issue I seem to be having is that I sometimes have delayed responses.  I felt fine leaving therapy yesterday, but then in the car 5 minutes later I was feeling it so strongly and almost had to pull over.  Then was fine again.  I think when it starts getting too intense, I dissociate again.

B is hiking all the way to cabins at the bottom.  I think she said 8 miles down, and 15 miles back up.  I could be wrong about those numbers.  A month or so ago, she did a 4 day backpacking hike in mountains in Colorado.

Thank you!  Love and hugs.   

[NarcKiddo]

I've never had EMDR so I don't know how it progresses or what the aftermath of a session might be like. I sometimes find a short break is helpful after an intense session as it gives me time to regulate again and absorb the tough session. However, I have had times when I am glad to have therapy again the following week. I'm sure those who have had EMDR can comment if you want advice - maybe put a specific question about that out in the forum? But the safest thing is probably to wait until you have an undisturbed run of sessions. If EMDR proves to be intense then I guess you can leave it out and do something else in the next therapy session before going back to it? Just thinking out loud. Ignore if not helpful.

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, in my experience as an EMDR client, i, too, have had kind of delayed reactions to processing. or vivid dreams afterwards.  from what i understand the brain is reorganizing itself, re-wiring in a way to the movement that processing provides.  in effect, it's re-processing (the R in EMDR) the original information it held fast in order to be able to let it go or change it into something manageable and tolerable, (desensitizing, the D in EMDR) with the ultimate goal of erasing the bothersome memories or sensations that accompanied the original trauma.

may i suggest that next time one of those hits you while driving, that you do, indeed, pull over, stop, let it pass thru your brain/mind?  for one thing, just in case you begin dissociating, you will be safer, and for another, it will give a little extra time for your brain to do its thing.  up to you, of course, and i don't know where you were driving, if pulling over is even an option.  you might want to tell your T about this, see what she thinks about it, what she recommends, instead of just hearing what i'm saying.  she may ask you to sit in the waiting room for a few minutes, see how your brain is reacting before even getting into your car.

just some thoughts.  as always, take what's helpful, leave the rest.  love and hugs and thank you for yours

[zen_racer]

NK and SanMagic, I appreciate the input.  I have not started the EMDR yet, but I'm beginning to lean towards doing so the next session with then having a break.  My delayed reactions are so far just to stuff I've gone over in therapy just talking about the past and my mind wandering.  I have a race training/practice day after this session, but I have a 4 day weekend after the therapy session.  Then for the week that I'll have the next therapy session, work will be really busy and hectic.  I think I'd rather try it when I'll have a break, and see what the EMDR hangover is like, and then have more information to be able to choose how well I'll be able to handle a rough work week while potentially doing EMDR in therapy.

Yesterday, B and I had our first day together where we had 1 thing to do, but then spent the rest of the day just hanging out together, running errands, and cooking dinner.  She had been feeling like not doing her training hike for the weekend because of the heat.  After I made a suggestion, she came to my house early in the morning, and we went a little down from where I live and did a 7 mile hike with over 1200 feet of elevation climb.  We were both wearing weighted backpacks.  It was an enjoyable day, except for when I felt like I was dying at the end of the hike.  LOL

I've been spending time in the mornings on workdays at least, sometimes on the weekends, checking in with myself for 15-20 minutes.  More recently, it has gotten to where I lay down for the check in, and rather immediately start experiencing strong feelings/emotions.  At times, it has been difficult to shut that off for driving into work.  I had thought I was actively connecting with my feelings, but realized I was instead dropping the mask I didn't know I was wearing, and simply revealing the emotions that were already there.  These would sometimes come out at other times, like watching that TV show I mentioned, or when in therapy, or talking with B about the same stuff.  This morning, while checking in with this forum and responding to other things on here, I started having those emotions start surfacing without confronting my past or specifically checking in with myself.  It's a definite shift from before when I'd have to be confronting my past or specifically dropping the mask.  I'm not entirely certain what to make of that yet.  I'm assuming that I'm continuing to feel safer, and so more things are bubbling up.  I'm still not sure what to think about that yet.

I hope everyone is doing well.

[sanmagic7]

I'm assuming that I'm continuing to feel safer, and so more things are bubbling up

i think that might be a safe assumption, ZR.  i've found that happening to me as i continued to live w/ my D - she helped make me feel safe, and actually, i don't think i've ever felt safer, so it makes sense to me why i can feel more, discover more about me, look inward instead of always being on the lookout for something else i have to endure or work thru or make a decision to stay or go. 

the other thought that came to mind was 'aaaaah, youth!'  reading about your hikes, 7 frickin' miles! - and i do well walking around my apt. complex, which is about 1/2 mile.  i used to walk about 3 mi./day on a regular basis, but my legs just don't have it in me anymore.  still, i'm happy for what i can do.  it's at least something.  i'm very glad for you that you found someone to do that with.  it sounds healthy and fun and you're enjoying each other as well.  yay!  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

the other thought that came to mind was 'aaaaah, youth!'  reading about your hikes, 7 frickin' miles!

Lol. I get stuff like that all the time, even when talking with people in real life. I'm 50 years old. Admittedly, I'm in pretty great shape physically, despite how sick I was for a couple years because of my gallbladder and then vitamin deficiency.