hopeful for progress

[HannahOne]

For me, when the consequences are close, it's easier to stay the course. I am so very happy for you that sugar is currently out of your life in service to your health! Diving into a sheet cake sounds divine, but you know what's behind that door and for today you're keeping that door closed!

Stretching is hard work sometimes. I just got my shoulder stretched the other day, the PT had to really push, shove, put his weight on it. I have been thinking about this. There's also gentle stretching, passive, where you just let go into the stretch and let your body weight and gravity cooperate. Finding more space between the muscle fibers is an interesting experience. I don't know the biology of it but that's what it feels like. Uncurling into more space as you go.

Very much to be proud of! Taking care of ourselves is job numero uno. And it is more challenging for us as we didn't learn it during the sensitive period for learning it, or it was punished out of us. Yet here you are, day by day, continuing to not only hope for progress but also working toward it, welcoming it, and letting it happen.      

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you're getting on with the uncurling. And well done on keeping away from the sugar. Good work!

[sanmagic7]

thank you hannah1 for the cheers for my progress, and for the support.  my muscles have been cuddled up for so long, it really is painful to stretch them out, so i'm just doing that to myself every day.  staying healthy can be painful, i guess.

thanks for that support, NK.  i'm feeling good about it, too.

hard night last night - a dear friend died yesterday, i talked to her H for a while, who has also been a dear friend.  my girls played with theirs while we all played cards every month, laughs galore, always great fun.  suddenly i felt very alone.  all these celebrities dying around my age lately, with all the money, the best doctors and medical care and why am i still here?  survivor's guilt?  i still want to stay around for my D, at least until she can financially take care of herself, and that's what i ask for every night - sanity and health to keep being able to help her out.

the other thing about these celebrities dying is that some of them, like shelley fabares - i watched her on the donna reed show in black and white, watched her on 'coach'.  these people have imprinted my life, and seeing them go is like they're taking pieces of me with them.  visual media was how i learned a lot about how to act, be, converse, even if it was all plotted out, it at least gave me ideas that i didn't get from home.  plus, it was an escape, one i sorely needed, or it wouldn't have meant so much to me that they are no more.

my D's F is also really going downhill health-wise, and she told me some of it yesterday, and even tho i can't stand him, he's only 9 mos. older than me and he can barely get around anymore.  and it all scared me in the end. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

It makes sense that the celebrity deaths would hit you too. Mortality is all around and it's very human to be afraid.

I'm so sorry, again.

[SenseOrgan]

A big hug from Holland San 

[zen_racer]

SanMagic, staying healthy can be a bit painful at times when it comes to something like physical therapy.  I'm not certain how you're going about this change, so disregard this if it isn't helpful.  Actual physical therapy would probably be helpful.  Things like posture and how the body sits at rest are greatly influenced by the natural balance between the muscles that affect the motion in both directions.  Sometimes when muscles don't respond well to stretching, it's because they need a little strength training to build more muscle so they have enough tissue to stretch accordingly.  Sometimes exercising the opposite direction helps that muscle tone to naturally pull the joint in that direction at rest.  I'm no expert though, I've just had a lot of injuries.  I apologize if you didn't need any of this advice.

I'm sorry that you've lost a dear friend.  That is always hard.

Sending love and hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, NK.  even tho i hadn't seen her in many years, she was still part of my 'group' here.   

hannah1, thank you.  this mortality thing hit me hard and i wasn't expecting its impact.  i think that's what rocked my boat the most.

SO, that was perfect.  thank you so much! 

the idea of a PT is a good one, ZR.  right now, i'm doing stretches like hanging from the top of my door jamb (well, my feet are still on the floor, but it's a stretch that sometimes i can feel all down my legs), or crawling my hands up a door while elongating my back (something my D showed me when she had shoulder problems), and i'm also lifting weights that include shoulder and back muscles, so those are getting stronger at the same time.  i don't know if i can affor a PT at this time, so i'm doing the best i can w/ what i've got.  but it did give me the idea to look online for exercises to straighten a curved back, so thanks for that.  and for the condolences, love, and hugs.

i've been doing something my T suggested for my nighttime anxiety (rolling something cold under each eye - para/sympathetic nerve system there) and that's been helping.  it does feel weird, tho, cuz i'd gotten so used to feeling anxious at that time, i'm not sure how to feel without it.  enjoy it, ok, but it feels weird nonetheless.

[HannahOne]

I'm so sorry about your friend, again.

And hey, hooray for stretching!! 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hannah1, for being with me. and yes, hooray for (painful to the max) stretching!  the uncurling is coming along, and i'm feeling better about it.   

i listened to a podcast yesterday, and while it was a lot of what we talk about on the forum (don't compare, everyone recovers differently, it's painful to recover but pain and change don't mean it's failing at recovering, only that our systems are changing from the inside out, etc), i realized that a lot of my gratitude (which i have plenty of about all sorts of things in my life) can get overrun by the fact that i still cannot feel the feeling of happy.  i remember feeling happy once, for just a minute or two, and it was the best feeling i've ever experienced, and i wanted more.  unfortunately, that feeling/emotion is still outside my reach for the most part.

i can feel all kinds of pos. things, like glad, excited, grateful, but happy just isn't there, and it colors all the rest of my recovery for me.  i've made progress, but i can't always even see that cuz i can't feel happy about it.  and i can't feel anything too wonderful cuz it overwhelms me.  there was a 4-part beatles documentary - i was a beatlemaniac - and watching the episodes brought back so many wonderful memories for me, and i was enjoying it immensely, but my nervous system couldn't handle it, and i crashed out, couldn't finish watching something that brought back some of the best memories of my life.  i was stress-flu down for several days.  this makes me want to cry right now. 

and this excitement thing has happened many times in my life.  i had to learn not to get too excited about anything i planned to do in the future, cuz it would make me sick.  once, i had to cancel a flight to see my D's when i lived in mexico cuz i got too excited about making the trip.  so, i can't even enjoy what would normally make me happy to its full extent.  and this beatles thing happened just a few months ago, so i know it's still there, still reining me in from my full expression of pleasure.