Accepting Myself

[Blueberry]

Sorry to be kind of flooding the board atm but I'm going thru old Journals of mine trying to find useful stuff and the only way I can hang onto some old realisations is to copy them and comment on them for myself.

I've decided to start a new Journal because the possibility of going inpatient has given me an immediate shift in priorities.

First I wondered about entitling this journal 'Getting by' as in 'Barely hanging on' but then decided on the idea which formed itself at the end of T appt. on Thursday: It's quite OK for me to be who I am now, with all my difficulties, instead of trying to be some ideal version of who I am. And it's quite OK for me to do things at my pace.

My T had asked me what Tool I possess which would help me even want to get up in the morning and that bolded sentence came slowly up from the depths. The Tool is allowing myself to slow down enough to feel that I am OK just as I am and just as I do. 

So focussing on accepting myself and knowing that with this self-acceptance I will move forwards in ways I hadn't even planned on.

Very good things to remind myself of the above atm, especially the bolded sentence because it's usually me trying to go too fast which causes me to backslide.

I don't know that I'm going inpatient soon, I rather think not in fact, but I am in a state where I'm looking for help, which includes going thru old Journals of mine.

[Blueberry]

In fact, it has sort of passed. Idk if it was another EF or just a down phase from needing to adjust to no longer having furbabies. I don't suppose it really matters which it was.

I 'kind of' realised again why it's so important for me to express my anger or disappointment or whatever it is to people instead of storing that up inside. Nonetheless I also notice how difficult that is. Today, I'm having trouble sending a bill again. The trouble started yesterday in fact. So it's a question of moving forwards with other more practical things or forcing through a dam burst... No, I note the images in my head and the emotions somewhere in me at forcing through a dam burst. Not good, not helpful. OK, do easier practical stuff and possibly the bill. The dam burst would include writing to no-longer-friends no.1 and no.2.

Bolded the important bits for me atm. Instead of storing stuff up inside if I'm not capable of expressing IRL (sometimes it's better not to IRL, I do know that), then a long weekend of intensive healing is a good thing. I used to hope I wouldn't need it again and during Corona lockdowns etc it wasn't possible anyway, but now I think it's a time I could really, really do with it. It's a place where I can express things when I can't IRL.

I often need long phases to adjust / re-adjust. Like atm I think I'm still adjusting from not working in my professional fields, still adjusting to finding something to use the availabe energy on, still adjusting to finding something to give me what the work did w/o overwhelming myself etc etc etc. Ditto with not having furbabies anymore.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I often need long phases to adjust / re-adjust. Like atm I think I'm still adjusting from not working in my professional fields, still adjusting to finding something to use the availabe energy on, still adjusting to finding something to give me what the work did w/o overwhelming myself etc etc etc. Ditto with not having furbabies anymore.

I get what you mean, I feel the same way in the context of my own life experiences. I hope you can allow yourself the time to process these changes. I find that sometimes it's better to not think about it too much, to let things be as they are, do whatever comes to mind first. If you find you're not enjoying what you're doing then you can try something else, but even just the act of trying can make it easier to identify how you want to spend your time. Though I know all that doesn't work for everyone.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Blueberry]

It's really hard. I'm sure I have OSDD too, BB. Accepting it has been a long road...

The conflicts it causes...work, not work...sing, don't sing...hide don't hide

Reading this brought a little smile of recognition. Cuz yeah. Work, don't work, get up...go back to bed, go to sleep... put light on again and read, have plans and goals... stay in bed all day instead of taking steps to reach those goals.

It's either severe depression or maybe almost SI. A whole lot of negation going on towards myself. Curled up under a blanket in the fetal position, but moving my feet.

Choir service today. Sing...don't sing. I didn't sleep so singing seems impossible. How to get out of bed, wash my hair (very necessary) and find something decent to wear and cycle there by 9:20. Not likely to work.
I haven't even been tending to the roses recently or eating properly or drinking enough or sleeping. What a depressive mess.

[Blueberry]

In some ways self-acceptance going on, because I keep doing as stated above. On the other hand admitting that out loud even to myself brings on the shame/blame.

I can think of quite a few old members who no longer write on the forum. Maybe they sorted themselves out enough to no longer need it? Or maybe they have other reasons. I hope the former for them. Doesn't really matter though. I mean writing atm doesn't seem to help me much anymore either. Just need to take steps forward. Or accept that this is how I am for the time being, that I've been here before like in my teen years.