hopeful for progress

[Hope67]

Wow SanMagic,
That is great that your therapy session went well.  It's a big thing (in my opinion) that your gray lady was something you could share with her.  I reckon she must have enabled you to feel comfortable to have done that.

 

[sanmagic7]

you know, hope, i understand that for you and others, talking about another personality to their T might seem like a big thing - it didn't feel that way at all to me at the time, but i suppose it could really be considered that, so thank you very much for the observation and for naming it.   

2 1/2 weeks, no sugar, altho i've been offered cake by a friend, who asked if i couldn't have 'just a little slice'.  well, i told her, it's like asking me if i just want to have one beer.  it really is the same.  a little bit probably wouldn't hurt me at the time, but it sets up a narrative in the mind - heck, i can handle a little slice, so i can just do that every so often at her house (put up what is a very weak and eager-to-be broken boundary!)  i don't want to hurt her feelings, she went out of her way for me, all that jibber jabber that ultimately leads to no boundary there and eventually no boundaries anywhere.  such a quicksilver slippery slope.  the bus stopped in front of me, tantalized me, but i didn't get on, so it drove away.

i've had bad posture since i was a kid, shoulders slumped forward, back rounded.  my dad would call me 'hunchy' and threaten me with putting a board up my back, which probably made my posture worse.  i do believe it's been a combination of things - for one, it was a protective stance, like when animals roll themselves into a ball to protect their vulnerable parts.  and, for me, my vulnerable parts were also developing into lady parts, and i felt ashamed of having them, because not only wasn't i raised to be a girl, i was also raised not to think or act like one.  so, making those parts as unobtrusive as possible seemed to be a priority.

that never got better, even after i left their house.  and now that i'm older, i've developed scoliosis, and chronic back pain in my lower back, because of the way i bend over while my shoulders are also sloped forward.  for the longest time, i've stopped wearing strappy tops cuz all they did was fall off my shoulders and hang on my arms.  so, now, w/ my D's help, i'm doing some exercises to straighten up.  it's painful, like any kind of physical change can be, but i really don't want this to get worse.  at least i can possible stop that from happening, and at best, i can be able to avoid the hump that wants to form at the top of my back.  another frickin' challenge filled w/ pain - yeah, that's how i really feel about it.  there is so much to do!

[zen_racer]

2.5 weeks with no sugar!  That's awesome!

And I know you don't need me to say it, but keep going with the exercises.  Last year, I finally found exercises that really really hurt to do with my right shoulder, that I was certain was going to need rotator cuff surgery.  I had already tried PT exercises.  After strengthening the really weak areas and retraining my brain to not compensate for previously injured muscles, I made a full recovery and didn't need surgery.  Not saying that's always the case, but it's amazing what the human body can do.

Sending love and hugs. 

[NarcKiddo]

You're doing so well, San. I'm really proud of you.
 

[sanmagic7]

actually, ZR, telling me to keep going was helpful encouragement, so i'm glad you said them.  this is new to me right now, and i'll take all the encouragement i can get!  thank you for that, and for that love and those hugs.   

thank you, NK - you got me smiling this morning. 

my first reaction to reading what you both said was awww.  so caring.

i'm not daunted by the pain of stretching out these muscles, putting things back where they belong.  i've had so much pain, i'm kinda used to it.  what has really bothered me is the idea that i have to have my chest front and center instead of caving it in.  that comes from feeling ashamed of having those girl parts be attention-getting (at least in my mind).  too many messages of it's not ok to be girly, and too few about how pretty, what an attractive woman i'm becoming and care about the physical changes my body was going thru.  it was an aunt of mine who first mentioned that i needed a bra cuz i was beginning to 'develop'.  never heard anything like that from my mother - in fact, i think that aunt actually told my M to get me one.  so, the girl parts part of me was always ignored or downplayed, and i knew better than to ask anything about it. 

too many times it's what we didn't get that has hurt us the most.

[HannahOne]

Being protective and curling inward made sense back then. Now, you're finding some freedom in uncurling. It's hard to embrace girl parts when we weren't supported, and, a worthy endeavor. GirlPower!