Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

I'm just very frustrated. I'm frustrated that it is so difficult. Why don't I habituate? Why is it so hard to just cut fruit? I feel ashamed.

This resonates. I'm having similar trouble with walking. Walking? Anyway, yeah, something that would seem like a basic life skill that is causing me problems and shame. It's lung problems and my therapist is helping me - but the shame is there all the same. It sucks. Sending a hug to the part of you that is struggling with this, if she's OK with a hug.

As to your thoughts on revealing more about the CPTSD. That is tough and I have been grappling with whether and what to tell my husband for a long time. It became clear to me that he really deserved to know a bit more and I deserved for him to know a bit more. But the "can we have a talk?" is so hard. My method for discussing anything related to this is to toss it around in my head, much like you have done here. I have made sure I am totally clear in my own mind of what the problems are and what points I want to get across. I agree with the others who warn against doing anything if you are in EF territory. That's wise, but I don't think there is any harm in tossing things around in your head and on here at times when you feel up to it. Sometimes the recent, raw experience of an EF can bring helpful clarity to the table while you are in the planning phase.

And then when I am clear, I just wait for a good enough opportunity to arise organically. That's mainly me, because I cannot force the issue and sit him down and make it all about me. If there is an "in" then I can. Maybe he says something, I react unexpectedly, and then we happen to be on the way to the coffee shop which is a safe environment for me so I feel able to offer some more. If he is obviously relaxed, not checking his phone or whatever.

I notice there is a fairly significant part of your text asking them what they think and what their experience is, with some fairly structured questions. I'd personally suggest steering clear of that. Of course they will have questions that they may want to ask at the time or later, but I'd suggest not directing that part of the conversation. Not when you are going through the stress of the first talk at any rate. Maybe just say you expect they will want to know more and that you are happy for them to ask questions, but they must understand that you may not always be able to answer the questions right then. You might get emotional and having a full discussion could take several bites of the cherry. Part of being genuinely open (and therefore trusting and vulnerable) is that you hopefully learn that the person you think is safe is actually safe and will support you. But they are their own person and they will have their own questions, that may not be yours. You are taking a risk that they might ask an unexpected question. Maybe even one you don't want to answer or don't immediately even know the answer to. And I think it would be a healing experience to know that you can deal with that. You can say to them "I don't know" or "That's too tough to speak about right now but maybe we can come back to it another time" and see that those answers are OK. You can protect your parts with those answers if hard questions arise. You do not have to stage-manage the conversation to be safe.

You've got this HannahOne. Even if you do no more than think about this and decide to take no action, you've got this. You can look after All of You, and you are doing so.