Unable to relax

[rlg6859]

A couple months ago I sort of had an epiphany when a frequent patron who I wait on as a server in a restaurant told me I'm worried about something while nothing is really wrong.  This was in a friendly way and this customer has always been motivational and supportive of me, so it wasn't taken offensively.  Later, I was thinking about it.  I am in this constant state of worry even though my life is probably the best it has been in a while.  Sure, there are things I'd like to see better, but there has not been any disasters or anything horrible for a while.  This was before I knew about CPTSD, but I had an epiphany that I am in this worry because I spent a good chunk of my childhood in anxiousness.  I've been worried for the last 20 plus years.  It's been my way of life.  Flash forward to today, and I was completely embarrassed by how apparent my lack of ease was to the man who did my nails.  I've been aware that sometimes it makes it hard for them to do my nails, but I never had this man before, and he sort of made it a big deal while the others usually were like, "woman, relax" in a joking way.  When he said something about me not liking him or being scared of him, I told him I'm always tense and that it wasn't him but me.  I felt so ashamed and actually just wanted to say I have PTSD so he would shut up about it.  Yet, there were so many people there, and that probably would have embarrassed me more by admitting that.  One solution to this would to not get my nails done anymore, but I'm not bowing out from something I like to do for myself because of some kind of survival habit I picked up from my bad childhood.  I feel like this worry is so ingrained in me that it literally affects my body.  I figure that this will lessen over time.  I am currently in therapy to heal the trauma that has happened in my life.  Yet, does anybody have suggestions on how to deal with the tension in the meantime or how to relax when I get my nails done?  Thanks!

[eva]

hi rlg; totally relate to the sense of the internal "guard" being on over-drive, and so you cannot relax..... ugh.  firstly, I would take the pressure off myself to have to relax in such situations:
the job of a person who paints nails is, I suppose, to paint the nails of those who are relaxed and - now and then, of someone who is not so relaxed. ok, being jokey with you might have helped - but as it did not, then it's ok for you to just say: "don't worry about it! for lots of reasons, I'm often on overdrive right now, and I'm probably not going be that relaxed in this chair, right now, today: not your fault, though, mate - and I'll probably chill out again once I get home"

just smile, and make it a "no big deal" thing!

beyond that: relaxation skills take lots of practice (pain in the *, eh?) and I am using a daily 3 minute mindfulness session right now to re-train myself into relaxing more. here's a couple of links - hope it helps.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaszqhPCWX0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZIjDtHUsR0

once you get trained up in this - maybe you can use it when at the salon - or at work, stepping to the washroom for a few moments. in time. gradually.   good lluck and do not use not being able to relax as another way to beat up self!

[stacey]

Hi rig. Argh, stressful and embarrassing. The shame, the shame. I second Yvette in practising acceptance that you may well be anxious every time you go there. Which is such a crap thought but it will take the pressure off.

Pete Walker has a list of things to say to yourself when you're having a flashback. One of them is: 'Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.' I was surprised how effective saying to myself, "I'm afraid but not in danger" has been. It's not some magical cure-all but it has worked for me in stopping me spiralling totally into a pile on the floor.

The rest of that list is here if you're interested http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm