In the Midst of an Angry EF

[Kizzie]

Yesterday morning at 6 AM our time, Ottawa called to tell my H that his file had made it to the pensions office (he retired from the Cdn Army in Jun and we have been chasing his file from level to level), and that it would take another 2 months to process.  Are you f****** kidding us?!  Wham, right into a huge angry EF, not at my H (although there was some of that), but at the big bureaucratic machine that is the CF and which doesn't always respond to individuals as it should.  My H, always a positive kind of guy said something to the effect of "Well at least we know when we'll have our money." Undoubtedly he could not see my face in the dark. 

So we have been without income for 4 full months and it will be another 2 before we see anything.  Lovely. And tied to that is our medical and dental plan so anything not covered by the province will be on our hook until the plan kicks back in and it can be reimburse. I shot back into all the emotions I felt in my FOO over the ongoing unfairness they doled out and having to suck it up because I didn't have a choice when I was younger,  and when I was older and did speak up how much punishment that rained down on me. 

The CF has a "Depart with Dignity" program when any member retires and I have to say as an organization this whole pension business completely misses the mark - we are not the only ones who had long delays and that just should NOT be the case. Although it's not meant to be this not having the money we are owed and being told we'll have to wait another 2 months is not fair and feels like punishment I can do nothing about except suck it up.

Anyway, about the EF - I thought it would be good since I am in the throes of an angry EF to talk about it here.  After my H told me (and there has been a lot of this kind of thing with the CF in the last 5 years in particular - bureaucratic nonsense that has ramifications for us),  I had a whoosh kind of feeling, a detachment/ fogginess and deep anger.  I felt like I couldn't think straight and I was just immersed in these awful feelings of being at someone else's mercy for my well-being, and such a deep frustration and anger that there was little that I could do  (I did come up with a few things today but could not even think then). 

And there was no soothing I wanted to try even though I knew I was flashing back, I just wanted to dissociate.  So I took a sleeping pill and went back to bed.  I only got up to take another sleeping pill last night (plus my daily meds) and went back to sleep until this morning.  I woke up still feeling foggy and angry which is unusual as normally a day's worth of dissociating clears the clag of anger so to speak.  So I talked with my H and told him what I thought we need to do - to get in touch with his last Commander and ask him to talk to Ottawa about expediting the file (he is reluctant because he was an officer and for him this is akin to complaining but he relented when I asked what he would do if it was one of his soldiers in this situation and he admitted he would go to bat for them).  As for me, I decided to write a friend about what was going on and post here. 

So what I need to do is "lift and separate" as the old Playtex bra commercial went lol.  Lift up the blanket of old stuff and separate it from the situation today.  Neither were fair but they are not really linked in any way other than my feeling powerless and anger when I am in a situation that is unfair and over which I have little control.

So my H and I have figured out what we will do about today's situation and I have a few thoughts about what I may myself do (contact the military ombudsman so this stops happening to retiring members), and as for the past I am thinking of writing an unsent letter to my FOO about all the unfairness I endured at their hands and how it felt not to have a voice or choice.    Hopefully, all together this will move me out of the EF.  I feel somewhat better already so tks for reading the rant!

[schrödinger's cat]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I'm really relieved that you could at least talk to your husband about it, and that he understood you in the end and agreed to do what you'd suggested. Maybe it's different for everyone else, but for me, outside pressure + complete lack of empathy from loved ones is just devastating. It's easier if there's someone to rant with - if you've got this certainty that you're all on the same team, that you're all on each other's side.

I had a whossh kind of feeling, a detachment/ fogginess and deep anger.  I felt like I couldn't think straight and I was just immersed in these awful feelings of being at someone else's mercy for my well-being, and such a deep frustration and anger that there was little that I could do.

Oh yikes, I had something a bit like that too a few times. Hideously, hideously unsettling. I really really hope that things will sort themselves out for you soon, Kizzie.

I had to laugh at the "lift and separate". Now THAT'S what I call a memory hook. Brilliant!

[Kizzie]

Yes, we shall call it the "Playtex Strategy" in the Toolbox Cat lol. 

My H and I are going to that new Steve Carroll movie this afternoon as heard it's quite funny and my IC loves movie popcorn.  Hoping that will help bring all those old and new emotions down a couple of notches.

I really hate EFs!  But I do feel like I have some control now and that's great.   

[schrödinger's cat]

Oof. I'm glad to hear it. Have fun! Say hello to your husband, he sounds like a good guy.

Yes, we shall call it the "Playtex Strategy" in the Toolbox Cat lol. 

Ooooh, can we do that? Yes?

[Kizzie]

He is a good guy Cat and we enjoyed the movie very much - just a fluffy, silly movie which was much needed yesterday.  I am through the EF although I can feel all the chemicals today still so will be drinking lots of water to flush them out of my system. 

I was quite surprised at how the EF happened so quickly and intensely. I expect them to come from the direction of my PD FOO, but not to be triggered by an organization's actions (or lack thereof).  It's not that the CF is being punitive in any way, just very unresponsive and slow to look after our needs -  just like my FOO or so it felt.   You may have heard that two of our soldiers were murdered this week on our soil and I think that had something to do with it as well.  The military is represented as a good family that will take care of us and it does -- most of the time.  In this case, it dropped the ball, no-one seems too concerned about doing so and I just felt so betrayed and angry. Enter the past and whoosh - into a big EF and just an overwhelming need to shut down.  The "EF whoosh" - that could go in the glossary.

Anyway, I think I have figured out the anatomy of this EF.  I do hope if something like this comes along again I can hold off from dissociating.  On the positive side, I did take measures to bring myself out of it so some of the tools are sinking in and working. And, I am now aware of a really senstive area for me to explore in T that I hadn't realized was as big as it obviously is.

Moving on out of this bleeping storm!   

[schrödinger's cat]

Good to hear that you're better. Yes, I read about the attacks, and I was gobsmacked. I'd never have expected this to happen in Canada. It reminded me of the constant attacks in Europe in the last few decades - you know, Spain and the ETA, Britain and the IRA, Germany and the RAF (a Communist splinter cell), Russia and the Chechens... I lived in such a city at the time of a bombing. It hit a place where I'd been repeatedly, and some of the people who died were shop keepers whose faces I could vaguely remember. It brought it home how arbitrary it all is - killing innocents just to make a point.

I expect them to come from the direction of my PD FOO, but not to be triggered by an organization's actions (or lack thereof).  It's not that the CF is being punitive in any way, just very unresponsive and slow to look after our needs -  just like my FOO or so it felt. ... It dropped the ball, no-one seems too concerned about doing so and I just felt so betrayed and angry.

Someone in authority neglected to take proper care of you, and you had a limited ability to escape or defend yourself. Such scenarios trigger me routinely. Even just dealing with someone who's in a position of authority makes me antsy. There's just this absence of safety. It's like Murphy's Law for CPTSD: anyone who can abuse you, will. A part of me still believes that. I know it's not true, but to this day, every positive experience I have with such people always produces this slight surprise: "Oh - they're actually decent people. Wow." It's starting to get better again though. Slooowly. Plus, I have coping strategies. (I'd rather have serenity instead, but oh well.)

[Kizzie]

Yes, this whole domestic terror thing is really quite new to Canadians and I must say really rocked us back on our heels from coast to coast.  Two soldiers in one week in a country that just hasn't known this kind of violence on our soil before. It's been quite a life altering week for us.   

"Antsy" is a word I would normally have used for how I feel about being subject to someone else's authority, but in reflecting on this recent EF I realize that over the years I have actually had big issues with it (and understandably so). On three occasions I had PD-type bosses and eventually had a big EF and ended up quitting each position.  That does not do good things for the resume and I was embarrased about quitting (three times - eek!),  which explains the selective memory. Anyway, it's definitely a sensitivity to bring to T for a look-see.

Did you watch Seinfeld at all? I couldn't help but think of the "Serenity Now" episode when you mentioned coping skils. Very funny!

[schrödinger's cat]

No, I don't know that episode. I looked it up just now though. Yelling "serenity NOW!!" sounds hilarious - I'll keep it in mind in case I ever need to freak out my brother. (He used to tease me relentlessly and is owed some karma.)

[keepfighting]

I had a whoosh kind of feeling, a detachment/ fogginess and deep anger.  I felt like I couldn't think straight and I was just immersed in these awful feelings of being at someone else's mercy for my well-being, and such a deep frustration and anger that there was little that I could do  (I did come up with a few things today but could not even think then). 

I can relate well to this feeling of helpless anger and frustration, exploding inside you because the most effective outlet (to direct it at the person/organisation responsible) is not available to you. Been there last year (a story for another time).

Anger is a feeling that springs you into action and though you can't direct your actions effectively towards helping speed up things for you, you've thought of ways to help others in the future. That's a very strong, positive action and a good way to direct the energy that is released by anger into something useful and worthwhile.

By the way: Last year, when I was catapulted back into feeling like a helpless, trapped and frightened little child, I tried soothing and relaxation techniques to help me deal with it. They didn't work. My t told me that that was because I tried to use them for a purpose they were not supposed to serve - to help me hide and run away when action was needed. So your reaction of dissociating before taking action was probably a very healthy choice. (She explained in a lot more detail why they were not working but I forgot. Maybe your t knows...)