Partner broke up with me because of my CPTSD

[Sienna]

Partner broke up with me.
T says its not my fault.
He cant deal with seeing me go throng this- he knows its the CPTSD, not me, and he knows its not my fault- thats what he said.
He blames my parents, and says the CPTSD isn't me, but he admits he has a hard time separating me and my symptoms.
he said he worries too much, it is the lack of intimacy more than his lack of social life that is making him break up with me, even though he knows its not my fault.
Weather i rage unintentionally like i did in the past, or keep this all to myself, he can't deal he says.
He can't deal with seeing me not doing well- going through these emotions, he can't deal with the fact that i have to feel things and get them out of me, even if its not aimed at him, and I'm simply depressed or crying. he can't deal with not being able to fix me.

He can't deal with it weather i open up to him or not, and I'm no good at opening up.
He says he can't go out and have fun cos he worries about me being at home and not being ok.
I told him its all part of the process and that it comes and goes, but he said that it seems like there are more bad days than good iwht us and he can't do it.
I told him i wanted us to come to a compromise on having people over and him going out, but he feels too bad to go cos he worries too much about me not being ok that he can't have fun.
He says he isn't strong enough.

We broke up last time i went to therapy- saw a T once.
he said he couldn't deal with my moods.
I understand his reasons- i really do, but I'm angry with him- although not feeling it as much as i perhaps should maybe because I'm in shock,and also exhausted with feelings that have been comming up due to therapy.
he has dumped me again like a big fat abandoner, i wonder if his love was ever real. i never trusted and now i will not trust another man ever again, more will i let myself love another again.
T says that its not my fault, that i have done nothing wrong and that I'm stronger than i know,
He says i haven't done anything wrong too but i still hate him. Part of me thinks that although he has is own childhood problems, he won't look into them, so as I'm feeling all the really scary feels, can't he at least support...? i just think that he is weak as its me gong through this scary *- but i know that is another part of me talking.
im sick of being dumped like a bag of garbage over and over again and i can't let him take me back if he so does, i need to learn self respect, and perhaps this is a learning journey.
He says he cares about me- as a friend, but i feel he doesn't care. He doesn't understand the terror i will be put through with him leaving- and i know its not his problem to fix or his fault.
I just feel uncared about, which is how he must feel with me being unavailable to him in the relationship, with my dulled down feelings because him being close and available freaks me out- i understand the patterns and the psychology here.

I need someone who loves me, who really loves me, and i can't even love myself. I know I'm repeating a pattern and I'm living a self forfulling prophecy, but its come to a head, and its too late. Im not even sure if anyone else can love me and i feel deeply that there is something wrong with *me*.

Im scared that the feelings will hit like they always do when he left me in the past, and I'm scared i won't be able to handle it.
i need to see it as flashbacks back to the past, and try to hold myself together as best i can, whilst feeling this horrid stuff, so that i don't go off the rails and do something to end it all.
I have felt like giving up, for the past moth now.

Im so scared to be alone, and just need support.
Apart from T who I'm not sure if i can just call any time if things get rough, i don't have family or friends i can turn to and I'm scared to do this recovery alone.
I now understand why people do youtube blogs and blogs about their recovery, because to have someone know how they feel and the extent of their pain, is better than having know one, and you only see Ts once a week for an hour, which sure, is better than nothing but doesn't help the isolation in the week.

I guess any words of encouragement would be helpful, or advice,
(even if i feel i don deserve them, because i am no good at relationships, and i know on a logical level that it is because of trauma, and not my fault.)
I'm desperate and i just need to be strong and i need to keep on going. I'm scared to collapse and be surrounded by all these really scary feelings, and if it happens, i will be totally alone, because i have know one, not even partner any more and that is the scariest thing to me.
It seems there is never any rest from chaos any more and i don't know how much more of it i can take.

Thank you so much for listening, i really appreciate it.
and this is Indigo by the way, just singed in as another name, due to problems signing back in, but i will try to sign back into other account.

[Talisien]

  I have just recently gone through something similar. My partner and I were going to be married this May. After 15 years of waiting for him to finally truly appreciate me and an on/off relationship. I had a really bad trigger event a few weeks ago ( bullying builders in the house for four weeks ) and three weeks ago I lost it completely in front of him for the first time. he threw a complete reaction saying that I was not the person he thought I was, he was "grieving" for what He thought we were and that the wedding was off. Devastated me. So the deepest and warmest hugs and total support that I can give over the internet. I don't know you but know that you are loved. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Oh dear Indigo, a big  to you across the globe to wherever you are. We are al part of humanity and we are part of a community, here on OOTS and elsewhere.
So sad reading this. 

Partner broke up with me.
T says its not my fault.
He cant deal with seeing me go throng this- he knows its the CPTSD, not me, and he knows its not my fault- thats what he said.

Well, excuse me for butting in, but all this below:

He blames my parents, and says the CPTSD isn't me, but he admits he has a hard time separating me and my symptoms.
he said he worries too much, it is the lack of intimacy more than his lack of social life that is making him break up with me, even though he knows its not my fault.
Weather i rage unintentionally like i did in the past, or keep this all to myself, he can't deal he says.
He can't deal with seeing me not doing well- going through these emotions, he can't deal with the fact that i have to feel things and get them out of me, even if its not aimed at him, and I'm simply depressed or crying. he can't deal with not being able to fix me.

He can't deal with it weather i open up to him or not, and I'm no good at opening up.
He says he can't go out and have fun cos he worries about me being at home and not being ok.

sound very much to me like he is blaming, faulting you.
What a load of cop-outs, if you ask me.
But it's a very primary gut-reaction I'm typing here, so it might well be just me.
I do want to go    though. 

I understand his reasons- i really do, but I'm angry with him-

I bet you are. Arghhh! 

he has dumped me again like a big fat abandoner, [...]
He says i haven't done anything wrong too but i still hate him. [...]
im sick of being dumped like a bag of garbage over and over again and i can't let him take me back if he so does, [...]
He says he cares about me- as a friend, but i feel he doesn't care.

,  and  .
Good grief, what a character he is.

I need someone who loves me, who really loves me, and i can't even love myself. I know I'm repeating a pattern and I'm living a self forfulling prophecy, but its come to a head, and its too late. Im not even sure if anyone else can love me and i feel deeply that there is something wrong with *me*.

There is nothing wrong with you, dear Indigo. Nothing. Stay clear of the guy, he has hurt you (more than) enough.

I now understand why people do youtube blogs and blogs about their recovery, because to have someone know how they feel and the extent of their pain, is better than having know one, and you only see Ts once a week for an hour, which sure, is better than nothing but doesn't help the isolation in the week.

Perhaps this blogging and/or vlogging might be something for you too? Or simply watch the others. Some of these youTube bloggers are so excellent, and I find them soothing to watch.
Otherwise I hope this place and community may be a space for you to vent and be heard.

You are a wonderful person, and your presence here is much appreciated.



and love,
Dutch.

[Sienna]

Hey Dutch,
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your message, I can't thank you enough.
Thank you so so much for your validation of my feelings.
When partner broke up with me in the past, he told my mum what i had been saying undoing.
It was all out of anger, confusion and fear, but it wasn't ok, and thats why i started smoking and avoiding him. I surpassed everything for him.
She was mad with me and never asked what he did that made me act that way.
Everything in here eyes was wrong with my behavior...which it was...but with out finding out if i was unhappy etc. and she told me i need to just get over it and move on.
So i really appreciate you validating and understanding my feelings.

You also helped me put into words what i was feeling / thinking - that is its a cop out.
I don't know what is wrong with him, in terms of a diagnosis, or a trauma response.
I have abandoned him not by leaving- i did one time out of anger..and maybe rightfully so,
but i have been emotionally unavailable to him in terms of intimacy and sharing my *stuff*.
He said he is glad I started opening up to him a little, and he knows its hard, but he mustn't be that glad because he can't do it any more, he can't bear to see me in emotional pain, even if i don't tell him about it. If i were sitting in my room crying all day, he still wouldn't be able to handle it.

And thank you for telling me that there  is nothing wrong with me and that you appreciate me being here.
I hope to believe this, and your message helps me to feel a little stronger.

And you are right-
even T said before, that he has hurt me more than once, in many ways, so that is why i don't trust him, and why i don't feel love for him like i used to. I just shut my feelings off.
I need to move out and live somewhere on my own, and I don't ever want to speak to him again.
I always wondered if i repeated a pattern from the past by being with him, and looks like i did.
When dumped by narc lady...i learned about narcissism instead of feeling my feelings.
I feel like i want to know whats wrong with him, so that i can feel better about my decision to leave- or his decision, ...maybe its the right descision-
because he has hurt me and maybe that is all i need to know.

I don't know if i have the confidence to do video and i would run away from it if i started - i know what I'm like...but this forum is so great, and you have been so great.

I hope things are of with you Dutch? or as okay as they can be.

Love you Dutch Uncle 

and love,
Dutch.

[Sienna]

Talisien,
thank you so much for your message and I'm so super sorry that you went through this too.
How gutting for you, no wonder you were devastated.
Im very familiiour with the on and off relationship. 

It sounds like your x didn't understand proper relationships or people, therefore, he shouldn't have been in one. What a shame that he couldn't tolerate your emotions. It makes me so angry to read this, and you do not deserve that definitely not.

I hope that you are doing ok. And maybe one day, if you so wish to, I hope you will find someone who won't disrespect you, treat you badly and mess you around.

Thank you for the hugs too and for taking the time to write to me.
You are loved too, and you are a good person. He was the one with the problem.

[Sienna]

Just offloading, I hope know one minds.    S:
X partner not come back tonight after being at volunteering all day, which i was gonna go to but i overslept.
He said yesterday that he can't have fun and go out even if i say its ok because,
he worries too much about me being home alone feeling like *
and i have this fear of being alone in the house since i was retraumatised and my mind conjured up this fear out of know where that this person who died will come and get me in this house.
He said that he feels bad about going out because of that,
and he said that he cares, and still cares *as a friend* and that he will always be here for me.

Maybe he is hurting because he broke up with me- who knows,
but he said all that and hasn't even texted me tonight to see if I'm ok.
This is probably normal for a break up, but, even before tonight, i was thinking-
do you really think that you would be here for me even *as a friend*, do you really think i can trust that, because so far in the relationship, he has tried being here, but has hurt me so much, and has not always *been here for me*.
My T said ages ago, that the one time i asked him for help, he turned his back on me-
saying my fear is stupid..? i can't remember what he said
but he invalidated it and said he doesn't know understand my fear and doesn't understand why he should be here for me because who knows how long it will take me to work through it in therapy.
so him saying he is here for me as a friend, maybe that doesn't involve asking if I'm ok,
but he knows the deal, and he knows I'm * scared in the house on my own, and who knows when he will be back.
Even if he could be a good friend, i wouldn't trust it after everything. When i move out, i will never speak to him or have anything to do with him again.
Im not freaking out like i thought- I'm very numb, or maybe I'm just emotionally drained after our relationship. Maybe I'm handling this like a normal person...
Which is good. That is what i want.
But underneath it, i do feel abandoned and angry with him.
I know i will be very lonely.
I just don't trust him to even  be a good friend, and its hard knowing that he knows I'm scared alone, yet he has ignored that and stayed out and probably will come back late, or sleep over where ever he is.
I feel like trash.
In this relationship i tried to fill my own emotional needs- (not even in healthy ways, as i never learned how),  because maybe once in my life, i strongly believe i learned that known will ever be here for me, known can care about me, so i have to do it myself.
Now he has really reinforced the belief that everyone will abandon me, that known cares, and that i am alone with my self.
I just think, that he really *doesnt care about me*.

Thanks for listening.

[Sienna]

Gonna write some more. Even if know one is reading.
I feel weird for doing this, but i need an outlet.

Glad partner broke up with me.
Tonight, as we are talking, and I'm still at his, cos he let me stay, because i can't go home to my dads, as he is so dysfunctional etc.
Im still at his house until i find a new place.

Because of this fear i have being in the house alone, and i can't go upstairs to use the bathroom, i have been using a bucket downstairs.
He said he feels too guilty to be in a relationship with me, because even if we compromise and he still goes out (if i don't want to or can't go)
he still feels guilty and responsible about me being at home struggling.
I asked him if he still feels the same way-
because nothing has changed-
apart from we are not titled boyfriend and girl friend any more,
I'm still in the ouse in the same situation - with the fear etc.
He was frustrated, saying that he had explained this lots of times, and he is not sure he can explain it again, because I'm just not understanding it and he's not sure if explaining it again would help me to understand.
He said he is not sure what is different.
I told him that that is why i asked the question- because he seemed to me, unsure of the answer, as he wasn't answering my question properly.
I said that i don't know, and i just wanted to know.
He didn't undersnad my question it seemed, so when he finally got it he explained the deal.

He said that he just doesn't feel as responsible or as guilty for going out knowing I'm at home struggling anymore, because we are not in a relationship any more.
He said he didn't know why he felt less guilty and responsible.
He said that as my partner, he felt it was partly his responsibility to make sure i was ok.
I said that i just wanted comparamise.
I asked him if he cares less, because we are now just friends.
He got annoyed, and said *is this one of those times when you change the perimeters of the conversation to get the answer you are looking for?*
and i said no, i was just simply asking.
I asked him what he means by saying that *i change the perimeters of the conversation*
He said about the times i asked him:
would you still want to be * me / love me, if i decided i just couldn't have sex for a long time?
(because i couldn't do intercosrse - never have been able to and never enjoyed it for my own personal reasons)
Would you want to be with me if i killed someone-
questions like that.

I said that to me, it seems like they are questions about different things,
but are about the same topic - weather he would still love me if.....

I said to him that i just wanted to know what had changed regarding his feelings of guilt and responsibility, now that we are just friends.
He finally told me that he wasn't sure
and i told him that that was ok, that i just wanted to understand it.

He said he does still care as a friend, but doesn't feel as guilty and responsible.

I said to him, that perhaps he associates being in a relationship wit feeling responsible and guilty
and he seemed to not like that, by shrugging it off and saying, *um, maybe*.as though he didn't want to hear that.

He said that when i was unable to be honest about what i wanted in th past, that was adding to his feelings of guilt and responabilty.
Now he doesn't feel that anymore, because he is not second guessing what i want.
I told him it was never his job to second guess what i want or mean.

I pointed out, that he did say, that even if i was honest, as i have been recent ly about how i have been feeling when i was triggered,
he did say he couldn't do it.

So it still stands, that he can't see me like that, in emotional pain because its too difficult for him,
yet, in this conversation, he told me that he feels guilty and responsible also BECAUSE IM NOT ALWAYS HONEST WITH HIM about what i want.

I honestly think, that if i try to help him by suggesting things that i think may help,
he doesn't like it, can't face the truth, or the possible truth,
doesn't want to investigate it (thats his choice and not for me to decide)
and maybe thats why he not outwardly but he BLAMES his feelings on me-
they are my fault, because it can't be him.
HE ADMITS HE HAS NARCISSISTIC TRAITS, AS DID HIS THERAPIST, AND MY THERAPIST

He also admitted that he DOES PLACE BLAME ON ME when it is un necessary to.
Yet tonight (he may have been triggered),
he didn't see that - he didn't stop and say- maybe i am placing blame on you.

Im very sure that if i said that, he wouldn't have liked it and would have denied it (for whatever reason of his own, deniel- inability to see what he is doing etc.)

He also said that he misses having people over because i find it so difficult (even though i wanted a compromise)
he can't wait for me to get better AND THTAS OK,
(when he broke up with me he said he feels his life is on hold and he is not happy)
but he said that he feels unsure about asking them over, because he doesn't know anymore if I'm telling the truth about what i truly want or if I'm lying
THAT IS VALID AS I DO LIE
and he said he can't relax as he is worried that I'm triggers

and if i have to take a break upstairs, he can't not come and see if I'm ok,
because that would be uncaring as my boyfriend.
I said that its nice if he cares about that,
but if i say i can handle having people over, that is my choice to say that,
but that in time, i will get better and i will learn what i an and can't handle,
and i will get used to dealing with the triggers.

Cant remember what we were talking about.
Im sure my mind is blocking out this conversation.
My natural instinct is to ignore it, but I'm so wound up by it that i need an outlet.
Maybe i feel safer now we are not going out, even though we are living together for a bit,
to look at this stuff and REALLY SEE IT CLEARLY - RELLY SEE THE DYNAMICS AND THE TRUTH OF WHAT IS GOING ON AND WHAT HAS GONE ON.

But the conversation went back into the past-
not because i brought it up intentionally,
i was just trying to explain something...
and i thought that as the relationship was over, he wouldn't mind so much.
but i think the didn't appreciate that.
he feels blamed, even though i said i wasnt blaming just trying to explain.
Oh yes that was it, about him going out and me being in the house alone-

he said that if I'm pissed off about it, he can tell and that i blamed him in the past.
I told him i don't remember blaming him,
and he said that i said to him once *see this is what happens if you go out*
and i said to him , that i said that in response to him saying that
the odor in the house wasn't nice and he was saying how disgusting it was,
and i said that if he hadn't gone out, i wouldn't have had to use the bucket,
that i had no choice and that i feel ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, and un appreciated for letting him go out and not complaining,
but that if he is out, i have no choice but to use the bucket.
He apologized after some discussion for that, and he said tonight that it was wrong of him to react that way about it in the past.

I said also that the only times i minded having people over , was when he invited people with out asking me first if i minded.
That i felt it was disrespectful to me, i felt i didn't have a choice, it felt like he didn't care about how i felt or what i wanted.
I said to him that i would never ask anyone over with out asking him.
He said that i did let my dad come down last week, with out asking him.
I said i was suprisied if i didn't as i always ask.
He said i didn't ask and we had this back and forth thing about it, as i disagreed * him-
i could be wrong, but eh said to me,
that he said that my dad can come down any time that week,
and when dad text me, i didn't ask him right away if friday was ok,
because we were not together at the time,
but I'm pretty sure i asked him
if he minded dad coming over this friday
and he said it was ok
and i asked him if he wanted to see him too, as i know it is boring.
Maybe i didn't ask him- i was not doing well that week and was all over the place.

Basically, if i explain something, by using a past example
ONLY BECAUSE WE WRE TALKING ABOUT THE PAST
(i wouldn't bring up the past anymore because i know how he felt bit that and we came to ana agreement with the help of my T to not blame each other about the past, to not bring it up into present day arguments or discussions because its harmful and just not helpful and has nothing to do with the hair and now)

he is quick to turn it back on to me, and deny any responsibility for his actions-
even if he already apologized in the past for what he did-
SO I WONDER IF HE MEANT THE APOLOGY THAT HE MADE
im not looking for an apology, i just thought the relationship was now water under the bridge, but i think he is still sensitive to it, and he can't face the things he did that were wrong, that were his responsibility and not mine because he did them.

My T said that blames too, from what i told her.
and he also admitted he blames me instead of taking responsibility yet he is still doing it.

I was saying to him that this thing he has about feeling guilty and responsible where responsibility of hi isn't due, isn't normal or healthy, although i understand it.
and that it might effect things for him in the future or in future relationships,
fi he doesn't know how he feels, what he wants, and if he continues to associate being in a relationship with too much responsibility that isn't due on his behalf.

i know he has a fear of being wrong and imperfect, so even if i am trying to help him, in as much sensitive understanding way as possible (not preaching or ordering or being a know it all)
he just can't hear it.
Thats ok, its his life and his choice.

I just wonder why i am being so - this way with him.
I guess ij just want him to realize he is as much of a problem as i was,
that he does have his own issues-
but why?
maybe I'm trying to fix something that happened a long time ago.

I felt angry after the conversation, like i had been blamed and gass lighted.
i was confused. Self doubting. Unsure. Unsure of myself.
I absolutely hate him.
He reminds me of my mother and the other narcissist i met in my life.
and maybe i should trust my feelings.
I have a lot of anger towards him about this relationship.
Im sick of feeling so alone. I think its the right choice that i am leaving.
I just need revenge and an outlet for my anger.

Dutch Uncle, he is quite a character.
i don't know what else to say. I guess i just want to be heard.
I may be wrong and mentally ill etc. but i don't know that, maybe he just makes me feel that way, though no fault of my own, BECAUSE OF TH WAY HE IS, BECAUE OF HIS BEHAVIOR, AND BECAUSE OF WHAT HE SAYS.

If anyone reads this, i will be eternally grateful. I knows very long and maybe not interesting at all to others who might not be in this situation.
I guess a little option or insight would be helpful

[Kizzie]

Sienna, it sounds to me like you are doing a heck of a good job trying to sort out what you own, what he owns, and what's past and present so     

I don't know if you have ever been at Out of the FOG, but they were so helpful to me when I first started trying to unpick my relationships.  I'm not suggesting you leave OOTS by any means  (), just that because they talk about relationships with PD people all the time it might be helpful to try a post or two there as you work through leaving - get lots of good feedback, that kind of thing.  Just a thought FWIW. 

Sorry you are going through such a hard time 

[Sienna]

Hey Kizzie

Thank you so much!   
, it sounds to me like you are doing a heck of a good job trying to sort out what you own, what he owns, and what's past and present so    

Thank you for mentioning Out of the Fog -
i went on there the other day just to read stuff.
I think its a good idea to go on there, and thanks too for understanding that i might have taken what you said the wrong way, that is really thoughtful of you. I would only have taken it the wrong way, if i was still in my paranoid place about being so open and writing everything down in order to offload, here on the forum. I was worried about what other people thought.
I think its a very good idea that i check it out, so thank you for that.
There are many layers to whats happened and it is and always was, more at play in this situation than the break up itself.

Thank you so much for being so lovely and supportive. It means the world to me.
 

[Kizzie]

I know how hard it is to get by that paranoia that there is a hidden agenda/message - I still fight it from time to time and it's so hard as my FOO were covert N's and were never direct, hints, mixed messages, etc so no wonder. 

But rest assured there is nothing in my post other than hope that you might be able to pick apart the tangled threads of a relationship with someone with some N traits better there than here     

[Sienna]

Yes, i can tell you understand that well.
No idea what type of narc my mother was / still is...but yes, mixed messages, non direct communication, passiveness, it *does* make sense for us to be paranoid.
Sometimes it does help for someone to point these things out.. - (even though i can connect things from the past to the now...) i am suspicious of other peoples motives etc, and its so sad, when I'm like that with others who really don't deserve that, as they really are kind people.

Thanks Kizzie. I realized that even before you say it,  because I wasn't feeling too paranoid, it was so nice of you to explain. 
But rest assured there is nothing in my post other than hope that you might be able to pick apart the tangled threads of a relationship with someone with some N traits better there than here     

[Sjjay]

Hi sienna,

i am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.... I was dumped by my partner two months ago, for. Similar reasons that your's did, except I have only learned in the last few weeks that I probably have Cptsd. He did however know that I suffered  with something!!!

I tried so hard despite this to be happy and get on with life, exactly as he wanted me too, whilst doing this trying to support him and help him with what ever he was going through... He clearly had issues but was not aware of it. Instead threw it all back at me, feeling as if I was in a never ending spiral of trying to justify myself and make him understand. Even when some of it was his fault.

Anyway I didn't want to tell my story and that's just a snippet, I wanted to try and empathise with you by saying for the first couple of days I tried to discuss, understand all the things you were saying, I know it's hard when you are still living there and your in this turmoil

The best thing I did was stop and let him go with whatever he went with and stopped all conversation.  I was in so much * in my head and still am to some degrees trying to figure it all out.  But the cold hard truth is that he that he is weak, emotionally  unintelligent, selfish and lots of other things that have no bearing on me, and he was never going to be the supportive person I wanted him to be, I know that is so hard to take because we just want to be loved! Yes I have my own issues and I am struggling with them and I have my days where I think no one will ever love me and I am unworthy of love and it is all my fault(a bit like yours my mothers mantra)

But another cold hard truth is I am and YOU are worthy of love, security, care, understanding and all the good things that others have.  I am dedicating myself now to loving myself and stopping the inner critic from jeopardising that.  I know it's so hard and I feel I am in a million pieces trying to put myself back together.  Suppose I am just trying to say I do understand and am sending you some loving thoughts and care