How do I want to socialize?

[thebutcher]

I have some good friends but don't make plans with them often.  Anytime I do, most of the time I'm just thinking about when I get to go home and be alone.  I know it's important to have healthy connections with others, but even when I'm having an okay time, there is a hook in the back of my mind dragging me back home.  I don't really understand it; I get really lonely when I'm by myself, but really agitated when I'm socializing in any context.  I haven't dated since I broke up with my ex over a year ago, and the idea of trying to date again is so repellent to me.

Sorry, I'm just having a hard time understanding these conflicting feelings. 

[Three Roses]

Don't apologize, that's what this forum is here for 

I have the same dilemma - I want to be more social but I'm just not ready. So right now I'm just giving myself permission to not be ready. I know what will happen if I push myself too soon

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi thebutcher  and welcome to Out of The Storm. 

Yeah this tug-of-war between wanting to connect and then not knowing how fast one can get out of it again... I can relate.
I sometimes really have to make an effort to actually go, when I clearly had a lot of gusto for it in the days leading up to it.

Or I am full of good spirits, and then suddenly I get bored or annoyed... It's an emotional rollercoaster at times. And it's not easy to go with the ride at times.
Do know that you are free to go, and to leave, at any time you want.

Welcome again,

Dutch

[thebutcher]

Thank you very much for the kind welcome.  I've been posting over at OOTF and it occurred to me that while the PD abusers are out of my life, I'm still coping with the damage they did, so I thought I would come here.

I think the big challenge I have when socializing is getting out of my own head.  I'm not enjoying the moments because I'm distracted and worried and simply not present.  I've been trying meditation to strengthen conscientiousness, which seems to help a tiny bit, but I'm not where I want to be yet.  It's "natural" for me to isolate and avoid, so it feels "good" to do it, so it's hard to force myself to be uncomfortable for the sake of some possible, difficult-to-imagine happiness.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you very much for the kind welcome.  I've been posting over at OOTF and it occurred to me that while the PD abusers are out of my life, I'm still coping with the damage they did, so I thought I would come here.

I think it's a good two-pronged approach. I did the same: after signing up at OOTF I registered here the day after or so. Feel free to post here anything about the PD's in your life, there is no clear 'division' as our cPTSD is so interwoven with the PD's we have encountered.

You might have a look at the threads in the Dissociation board, perhaps it's something you relate too. We are currently also working through a book on the subject in the Book club

[thebutcher]

I do find that I'm relating to these Disassociation traits to an alarming degree.  It might be unhealthy to believe this, but sometimes I feel as if disassociating is the best option available to me, that the ugly realities of my life and ongoing experience are unresolvable, and that by plumbing into their depths I'm only exacerbating a pain that has no end, that I will continue to experience for the rest of my life.   Sleeping too much, losing myself in escapist entertainment, drinking until I'm numb: all these defense mechanisms seem like good ideas because facing my life head on makes me feel intensely suicidal.  Other people don't live that way, but other people didn't experience the things that I did, things that will never change and will always be a part of me.  So while it's irrational to others that I view my choices in life as Disassociation or Death, I can't see any other option. 

I've been taking anti-depressants for years, and I'm looking for a new therapist, but I have significant doubts that I'll be able to find someone who can help me.  The last clinic I went to told me that they didn't have anyone on staff experienced enough to help me, and all my therapists in the past just seem to silently bear witness to me spinning the wheels of anxiety and depression and despair.  It feels nice during the session to vent, but as soon as I leave I'm right back where I've always been.  I feel like there isn't any hope of recovery for me.  Despite that, I'm still trying, but it's a going-through-the-motions kind of trying because I don't see any way to repair myself.

I guess this thread is about more than socializing now.  :-/  Thanks so much for letting me vent.

[Danaus plexippus]

Good luck in your search for T. I can no longer afford the best T I ever had. Now I'm in group T with a good enough T. Sometimes in life good enough, has to be good enough. What really makes the difference in group T is the other participants. If they are on your wavelength, you may benefit more from their insights than any of the promptings of the T. Some other threads here revealed horror stories of their group T experience. It's seldom a love fest, but I committed to my group. We share a common experience and understanding.

Regarding socializing, I can take it or leave it. There are people I have gone NC with and others I hope to keep in my life for as long as we live. I don't go to large gathering anymore though, unless I can cut myself loose whenever I damn well please. Sometimes I just suggest "Let’s all meet up!" Either they show or they don't. No big deal. Other people have issues too.

After the death of my husband, I didn't date for years. Now I go out, but as “just friends.” Give yourself all the time you need to be comfortable about the idea of ever dating again. Get to know people without the pressure of it having to turn into something more and lay off the sauce. Some people climb down into a bottle and then can’t find their way back out again. I was a bartender for 5 years. It’s a sad thing to watch a human being deteriorate day by day. After my husband died I did my share of hitting the bottle. I’m not some holy roller talking through my hat. I’m just on the wagon now and it’s made all the difference.

[thebutcher]

Thanks.  Yeah, drinking is definitely not one of my healthier coping strategies.

On Saturday I was invited to a small get-together, which I agreed to, but at the last minute almost cancelled because I was very anxious.  I talked myself into going anyway, and I had a pretty good time, though I was mostly a wallflower and afterwards I was so relieved to be home I took a long nap.  I feel proud for not flaking out though.

[kwijibo]

I moved a year and a half ago, and I still don't really have much in the way of friends here. I keep planning on going to a Meetup event, but when the time comes I never seem to feel up for it. I used to be in a therapy group. Maybe I should try one here. I think I tend to avoid social gatherings because it's exhausting sometimes trying to fit in with people who aren't (as far as I can tell) coping with the sort of stuff that I'm forced to cope with. In a group I sort of get to be myself. But there's another side of me that doesn't really fit in with a therapy group either. I miss having a relatively normal social life like when I was younger, before my experiences caught up to me.