Feeling Paranoid of Being Hoovered/Groomed/Set-up

[movementforthebetter]

Hello all. As a result of therapy yesterday, some confusion has come up and I am hoping people outside the situation can help me see it clearly without the emotional entanglement. Long and complicated. Thanks in advance for reading!!

I am the eldest and a woman. I would say that I have been the scapegoat most of my life, as well as having been made keeper of my mother's emotional state at age 7. She was my main abuser. My brother is younger and the golden child.

Both of us are full adults now and live in different cities from my M. I moved out at 19 but my B lived at home for many years after I left. At 27 I moved to a far away city with my bf and had either VLC or NC over the years while I focused on myself. Lots of therapy off and on, went back to school and graduated. Around then or slightly before, my B finally left home, then he moved to a new city several hours drive from M and sees her every couple months. He's going back to school in the fall. He has a nice gf with 2 kids. She is warm but what I would consider to be high maintainence. That might just be healthy and I don't know it due to lack of experience!!  They want to leave the country after he graduates.

I returned home for family visits this spring. First stop is my B's city. While there I realize how much I miss my homeland and how I am so peaceful when alone, i.e. single. I think this is the moment I came out of the fog. Seeds planted.

While visiting my B and his GF, she tells me that my M is not well, and she is concerned that my M is very unhappy (lol). But still, seeds watered.

My next stop on my trip is to visit my M. She is definitely not well, by her own choices as far as I can see. She is housebound, hasn't worked in years, and holding on to revenge as her only motivation to do anything in life. She was very excited to see me, and had been nicer leading up to the trip. She had been gifting me money for the last year or so. I told her she didn't have to, she said she really wanted to. O.k.  I stayed with her and my SF for a week. I barely see her during this week because she gets sick and sleeps most of the time. I don't worry about it and occupy myself by walking outside and I discover OOTF so I am occupied as much as I can handle. It's the first time I haven't expected anything from M resembling normal and it's mostly a huge relief. I do care about her and don't think she'll ever be normal. She's on disability and is young still. I think of my grandmother, who died youngish, and alone. It really bothers me. So I think maybe it's time to return to my home city so I can be closer to M. Still low contact, but more available than I have been. I have friends there that love me. I could make a good life. Seeds sprouting. I return home and M texts me for a few days and they are loving. I saw the mask crack once while there so I have no illusions about her being different at the core.

My bf says I don't owe her anything. I know I don't! But she is still my M, still a human. One of my core values is compassion. So I am in therapy now to try and sort all this out. I was pretty sure that what I wanted was to leave him, move back to home city, and build my own life, dealing with M as needed and encourage her to take better care of herself. I know she will likely not change, but I don't know if I can live with myself knowing she needed care and I chose to ignore her.

BUT. My therapy target yesterday was abandonment abuse. I went through the session. Last night it hits me. Am I just falling back into the abuse cycle right now? Am I actually seeing clearly, or have M's actions all been a long con hoover? Has my B's gf been trying to plant me so they can leave me to deal with M on my own as she ages? Is my B callous enough to allow that to happen or could it be retrobution because I left? Can I possibly re-engage without it turning abusive again? This is the role I have been groomed for since childhood! Am I being manipulated, or am I being paranoid? 

[Three Roses]

In my opinion, others' motives are irrelevant. You will never be able to know for sure what's on another person's mind, so why bother trying?

I was in the same boat, with 2 elderly parents with failing health and dementia. I wasn't sure I wanted to care for them, didn't want to be around their toxicity. But I knew that I'd never be able to forgive myself once they were gone if I didn't help. Not because of anything outside myself like familial or societal pressure but because of my own philosophy.

It wasn't easy; there was a lot of having to deal with my older sibling who had abused me horribly ... there's something wrong with him and he's never even tried to look at his own issues. But now that both parents are gone, my mind rests easy when I think of them. I know I did the "right" thing, that is, what the right thing was for me to do.

But I do think each situation is different and what's right for me now may not even be right for me later.

You should follow your conscience. Don't think of now, think of the future and how you will feel when she's gone, whether you help her or not. Above all, don't do anything for HER; do it for your future self.

[movementforthebetter]

Thank you Three Roses. Your post is full of logic and good sense. Trying to readothers' minds is so damaging and I didn't realize I was doibg it. Learning when I can trust myself (most of the time!) has been challenging. I am constantly second-guessing myself as I dig deeper. Intense therapy is like a focused existential crisis!

I couldn't care a whit for familial or societal pressures at this point, either. I know how messed up both family and society are and how wrong they often are with norms. But yeah, this is one of the core things I have been afraid of in therapy: "will I have to abandon my core values in order to be healthier and make my life work within reality?" Because my reality is messed up and in the past my compassion has led me into so much pain. But it's reassuring to know that you did it, so it can be done! And I am looking toward my best self, who is someone that isn't a martyr but can care for others without sacrificing too much. It will be a long, hard road, so starting now is best before my M needs constant care. Right now my SF handles most things but who knows about the future.

There have been many times I have thought how much easier life will be when she's gone and how unfair it is that the most delusional parent lives the longest. But I am focused on changing my internal reality since I can't change the external one.

[arpy1]

i think what you said that is the key perhaps, is 'without sacrificing too much'.  i have a similar situation with my dad.  i have had to step right back from any involvement with his care (complex situation urgh) but i ensure that i am in contact in the only way i (and he) can be, i.e. i write to him and send him the odd book i think he'll like, or small gift that i know will please him.  i expect nothing from him  but he writes me the odd letter back. all very  low key and pleasant, and i am not allowing myself to be sucked in and consumed again  by him/my narc B/family dynamic. 

maybe it's about caring about rather than taking responsibilty for caring for. the first is a moral imperative, the second i mean in the sense of being subsumed and destroyed. clear, firm boundaries, probably.
much support as you work this one out. it's never easy.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks arpy1, I appreciate your thoughts. I have been making an effort to "care" more and I do think that will mean time spent with her, best in short bursts and small doses. I haven't talked to my M since I started therapy. She is too triggering currently. But afterwards, I will reach out again.

Her mask is so plastic that I know next to nothing real about her. I don't even know her favorite color. And she knows very little about me because I don't trust her. I don't think we'll ever have a good relationship, but I want her to know that I do care.