I'm afraid I'm stuck

[Sometimestheskyisblue]

I still live with my parents. My dad is/was emotionally abusive and my mum emotionally abandoned me. I say is/was because when my parents separated last year things changed for a brief time and my dad was actually nice and my mum began caring. However my dad's change didn't last long and now it's a like a touch and go thing that has me on edge and wary. Sometimes I swear I'm getting whiplash from him constantly changing. My family system has shifted since the separation, the divorce isn't final yet as my mum's lawyer got a job halfway through the process so the paperwork still needs to be reviewed and approved.
       In the past though I was the one that others took out their anger on. My dad specifically, who constantly spanked me as a child until I was about 5, for things as simple as spilling a cup of orange juice by accident.  He's always teased me (usually saying I am a short and a wimp), bullied me, calls me lazy all the time and otherwise makes demeaning sarcastic remarks. If I do something he doesn't like he gets what seems like revenge later by denying me something that I wanted or harshly picking apart something I say/making a joke out of it. The worst part is when he gets his "revenge" it's something he and I only know about and no one else gets.
        My mum has recently begun changing for the better since the separation. My dad was abusive towards her as well. However I usually get stuck as a messenger of sorts between them. I honestly don't know how to handle my mom caring. I get angry and upset sometimes because she was there for my siblings but not me and now I feel like it's a bit too late for her to want in. Whenever I talked to her about how I felt about my siblings she'd get upset and start yelling at me saying I was ungrateful/disrespectful and generally turn the conversation around onto me so that by the end I felt like I should apologize to her. If I came to her with a problem she'd compare it to one of my siblings problems or say "It could be worse" or  "You're upset about that?". It always made me super confused about how I felt and like I wasn't worthy of feeling anything because by feeling things I made her upset.
    I'm seeing a therapist and it helped at first, but now I think it might be time to find a new one. I'm always super tired but sometimes I just can't  fall asleep at night. I just have two more years until I'll be able to get out but for now I feel trapped. I've been trying really hard to keep going but sometimes I run out of duct tape and superglue.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi sometimes the sky is blue
Thank you for sharing ...
Your family of origin sound like mine was ( a long time ago now) and I'm sad you are in that situation because I know how painful it is ...
You sound like you have quiet a lot of insight into the situation though ... I just didn't really know what was going on at the time ( couldn't put it into words ...
Do u know about the sister site ' out of the fog' people there talk about what it is like still being connected with abusive people and solutions ...
You talk of maybe needing a new therapist .. Is the current one not able to meet your needs ?

Wishing u all the best on the next part of your recovery

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, we're glad you are here. 

Your home situation sounds tense, to say the least - and I'm sorry for the stress you're living under.

Sometimes a "good enough" therapist is all you need. In the past when I've felt stuck, a breakthrough was right around the corner.

Hang in there! Keep reading, keep posting, things will reveal themselves in time.

[Sometimestheskyisblue]

Thank you Three Roses for replying, I really do hope to keep reading and posting.
 
Boatsetsailrose--  I've never really had the words for what was happening to me either until around a while ago. My parents deciding to divorce was almost like a slap in the face and a huge wake up call. Up until then I had no idea how to describe what was happening to me until I went to a therapist for the first time.
     I feel like I might need a new therapist because it feels like the one I have currently doesn't really listen to me. I've told her that I sometimes end up having these things that seem a bit like panic attacks but aren't because while they last I feel like I'm a little kid again and I want to run and hide and also sometimes end up spacing out after them and just disconnect from myself.  She said "I think that might be a part of the ptsd" and we had never discussed anything like that at any previous sessions, it was completely out of the blue. The session ended shortly after that so I didn't have time to question her about it and I ended up having to schedule another appointment next month because she was booked until then. So I just feel like she isn't telling me things that I should probably know. If this upcoming appointment I'm planning on questioning her about it but I still feel a bit upset that she didn't tell me what was going on if she knew before I said that.
   Sorry for the long answer and I didn't know about the sister site, thank you for telling me and replying.

[Three Roses]

You said,  "I feel like I'm a little kid again and I want to run and hide and also sometimes end up spacing out after them and just disconnect from myself.  She said 'I think that might be a part of the ptsd' "

It certainly sounds like an emotional flashback followed by dissociation. This is so common among us, on this forum. Pete-walker.com will have more details about this.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes sounds the right thing to bring it up with the therapist and see how she responds, then you will be able to gage it from there ..
I have always found honesty is the best in therapy and get any resentment out in the open.. Part of the process to growing and being heard ( or not if its not the right support

Wishing u best wishes with it
Which ever way you will keep healing learning to find ourselves is the best gift we give to ourselves I feel
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