I was summoned to court the other day…

[Dutch Uncle]

and I went. 

I mentioned something about this in another thread:

another process-server/bailiff ringed, and as I was walking down the stairs he was already pushing the envelope through the letter box. I nevertheless opened the door, and we actually had a talk, where I spilled my beans! Told him I was a victim of childhood abuse. He was genuinely interested, validated me for getting this far without (professional) psychological help, gave me tips on how at least avoid some costs like: "show up at least, even if you can't pay, tell the story, for at least you will be spared court costs."

I was summoned because I didn't pay my bills for my health-insurance. Which I don't, and which I can't. I've been asking for help a lot of times the last couple of years (since the FOG started lifting and I started struggling.) but I have received very little, and inadequate help. For example: when I went into treatment for my alcoholism (basically in order te get it under enough control so I could get psychological help for the underlying causes of my boozing'/numbing out with the help of alcohol), and I worked hard with the program I was enrolled in, I was 'let off' after four months and 'passed on' to the psychologists, I was told in the closing meeting by the women who had been my counselor: "Before I started this treatment with you I was of the opinion this treatment was not fit for your situation, mr. Uncle." "*!" was my gut reaction, "I've been had."
Something similar, though far less severe happened at the psychologists, where an anxiety disorder was ruled out fast, a SCID-II was offered, no PD detected yet I did score some 'points' below the thresholds. So I have developed 'fleas' and/or dysfunctional coping mechanisms as a result of the abuse inflicted on me. An example of that is that dissociation had been detected.

I stumbled on my SCID-II results today, and one of the (BPD) traits/fleas I have is:
9.   Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
So working through this book is definitely a good choice in my path of recovery.
For clarity sake: I exhibit two of the eight 'traits', threshold for BPD is at least 4/8. Plus than some other criteria, but all that is completely off-topic.

Which is why I have joined the Book Club threads on dissociation.

In the run up to this court date, and in fact in the run up to my previous court-date that was averted at the last moment, I have experienced thoughts like: "I'll let this happen, and it's a cry for help of sorts." Way back in my mind, it might well actual dissociation. Another part of me crying for help as my other parts find it practically speaking impossible to cope, find a job, apply to social security or in any other form secure an income so I can pay my bills.

So this time I did let it come to court-day. Perhaps because this time it's my health-insurance that is suing me, and part of the problem I keep being stuck in this cPTSD/avoidant/procrastinating limbo is that the 'advertised' (mental-)health-care isn't materializing, no matter how hard I try to seek help as I realize something is awry in my daily functioning.

I was pretty calm that morning. I had a sense of returning or staying in reality. This all IS my reality, even though it sucks. But reality sucks at times. Better face it. Easier said that done!
Another experience I had in the days leading up to this was inspired/trigger by chapter 7 of the book:

One way to start communication is to find common ground i.e. it's likely that all parts want to get better. Usually all parts can agree with this goal even though they are not likely to agree on how to achieve it in the beginning.

and me and all my parts (a.k.a. "we" ) agreed this was a good step to make. What it would bring is a great unknown, but I need to find help, we can not do it without third parties who are willing and able to aid us.
Scary? You bet. For some parts at least, but other parts felt confident as well. This was also an opportunity to again say, and let it be seen, I do want help, seek help, have thought help, committed to help offered, and still am struggling and not functioning as should, and more-ever: as I can, as proven at (plenty of) times in the past.

So when it was my time to approach the bench (there was a whole bunch of people who had been summoned to 'pay up', some fought the charge, others didn't. It was quite interesting to be honest. I was very much "there", not dissociating at all. I think all my parts were there too.) I didn't 'fight' the charge, and when asked: "How come you didn't/don't pay?" I told my story. Short. Stated that I needed help, had no control or oversight over my finances, had sought help but never got adequate help despite my efforts (I did tell the example of the alcoholism-treatment dupe). etc.

Of course the judge couldn't judge on anything I had to bring to bear, she was there to judge about the financial claims. This was obvious from the start.
But she did gave me an address she thought that might offer me help, or otherwise they might be able to assist me, and she made a remark that somehow made me feel validated: "I'm sure the health-insurance wants you to get the help you need as well." Which in fact they don't care for that much. They're mostly in it for the money, or for somebody at their office would have put 1+1 together and think: "Hmmm, this guy goes into addiction-treatment, then to a psychologist, and after that he gets behind in his payments... something is still wrong there... We have to offer some more help... Clearly there is no 'division' at the office that looks into the history of a client when the bills are not getting payed...
But I digress.

So I went to these people the judge suggested. Wrong 'agency' (why am I not surprised?) but I was steadfast, and they were actually helpful. They let me 'get it of my chest', listened, and game me advice to visit some other 'social services'. Looked up the nearest office for me, opening hours (very irregular, presumably so they can offer help to anybody: working, schoolmoms (or schooldays ), night workers etc.) and it turned out first opportunity was yesterday afternoon.
I went.
Did my story again (third time in two days. It was getting easy ), insisted on help, got listened to again, taken seriously and they forwarded me (again) but this time not to 'another agency', but to another 'level' of the care they can provide, and they arranged all that FOR me, instead of me having to take the reigns again. Which clearly is part of the problem for me at the moment: it takes too much energy to keep on taking the reigns and art from scratch time and again.

So I should be called next week (two weeks tops) and then services will come to my aid, and they should be able to provide what I asked for literally: "I need somebody who can take me by the hand at times, and do the (legal)stuff, the paperwork, when I'm not capable. Somebody who can take stuff out of my hands, when I can't hold anymore in my hands when they are full already."

So fingers crossed for the times to come.

Court ruling is in 5 weeks, so that's 5 weeks respite. Ruling will be I have to pay, but lets hope (and trust) things will be in place to tackle that problem then.

For the past two days I have been sleeping much better. Less midnight breaks, and I have been sleeping in to 7:30 two days in a row. Wow.
I also have a lot less urge to booze.
These are all good signs I've done "the right thing".
The right thing for me. The right thing for us.

Thanks for having a place to share this. Having gone NC with practically all of my dysfunctional and unhelpful abusivet FOO, having lost a good chuck of my support system. Which basically means I only thought they would be part of my support system but it has turned out they aren't, so I stopped sharing my story with them.

Here's to help from outside. Both in cyberspace as well as 'on the ground'.

[movementforthebetter]

I really admire your factual and critic-free writing style. The work you have been doing on your own shows. Congratulations on speaking your truth and exercising the courage to get help and continue to do so. I wish you well in this next phase of recovery.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thank you! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, dutch,

kudos to you for summoning the strength and determination to follow this through.  fingers crossed and prayers flying that you will get the help you need and a respite from the worries entailed in this kind of bureaucratic b.s.   the mental healthcare system is too often ludicrous at best, but it sounds like you may have made a breakthrough.    here's hoping!  and yay!  for a good night's sleep.

[steamy]

Hi Dutch Uncle,
It has been a while, what you write is interesting, the more I suffer what others might call "social failure" the more empathy i have with human frailty. This goes against the current climate of neo-liberal "you must take responsibility for yourself." On the one hand I often berate myself for misdirection from 5 years ago that sent me on this path and at the same time I keep asking myself. How can I get out of this hole?   It is only with hindsight that often we see the wrong turn.

It is good news that through this situation you may find the support you need. I am still looking for my rescue scenario, I just hope that in a few months I don't realise once again what I should have been doing all along.

I have the thesis of my masters degree needing to be ready in two months - I didn't start yet, in the meantime I have  spent six months writing the proposal and having my tutors criticise it and make minor changes each week, while I used the excuse that I dodnt have a final decision to play games on my laptop for fours and hours each day. This is my alcoholism and disassociation. Now its a rush.

Good luck with the treatment, when you get it

[sanmagic7]

and, good luck to you, steamy, in getting your thesis done.  time flies when we're having fun, eh?

[Wife#2]

Dutch,

I'm so glad you're actually being heard! even if just a little bit, that matters.

Will they be providing mental health assistance (counseling, etc), legal help (fiasco created by FOO, evicting sister's kids if possible) or, could it be ::: crosses fingers, says a little prayer of hope ::: BOTH?

Hoping that the payoff for having to bare your soul three times in two days is that you, at last, can get the help you need to finally start on the good path you deserve to be on.   

[Dutch Uncle]

Yeah, being heard matters a lot. I feel much calmer since.

Will they be providing mental health assistance (counseling, etc), legal help  or, could it be ::: crosses fingers, says a little prayer of hope ::: BOTH?

I don't know yet, but presumably this bunch will 'stay with me' until things are back on track. I have yet to speak to the people/agencies themselves, but I will enrolled in a program under a law that is specifically for those cases who fall through the cracks of the current climate of neo-liberal "you must take responsibility for yourself" as Steamy has put it. (Overal it's very neoliberal over here, even the social-democrats have turned neo-liberal. Think Tony Blair. (I guess  )
It's what I practically literally said in court: "I know I should be self-supporting and I'm ashamed I can't. But I really can't, and when I ask for help, I get shoved out of the door."

Hoping that the payoff for having to bare your soul three times in two days is that you, at last, can get the help you need to finally start on the good path you deserve to be on.   

Thanks, and I have hope. A spark, but that's all it takes.
I do hope therapy is an option, as I feel ready to go into therapy to rid me of the last vestiges of TherapistMom. I think I'm finally ready to take on my "need [for] therapy to get into therapy" as one thread on this board is so aptly named.

[Wife#2]

Hoping, crossing fingers, praying, whatever floats the boats of those greater powers, that this will work out to a decent therapist and legal/housing/day-to-day life help.

Just going to say this. What government wouldn't be called cruel and inhumane to impose battle conditions on someone suffering PTSD? Therefore, why is that same government less cruel or inhumane expecting someone with c-PTSD to endure conditions similar to the FOO or whatever setting brought on c-PTSD?

Baffles me. Some days, I'm apparently easily baffled. Of course, I'm in the USA and don't even want to think about the state of healthcare here by this time next year.