Feeling Like a Ghost in a Crowded Room

[BrokenBlue]

Hello everyone  /waves

I'm new here, just joined the other day. While my name here is BrokenBlue, feel free to call me Blue

I've spent a lot of years trying to figure out where I belong. And like many people here, trauma has shaped much of my life. Therapy, diagnoses, depression, isolation, and trying to rebuild after years of simply surviving have become familiar territory to me.

What has been hardest, though, isn't the trauma itself - It's the loneliness.

Honestly, it's felt like I've been nothing but an unseen ghost drifting languidly through a crowded room while everyone else seems to have a place where they belong.

For years I've tried to connect with people, make friends, and build something meaningful. Occasionally I've met good people, but more often than not I found myself watching others slowly drift away. After enough of that, it becomes difficult not to wonder whether I'm the common denominator as to why that's so (if that makes any sense).

I don't really know what I'm looking for here other than understanding and honesty. Maybe conversation. Maybe connection. Maybe simply reassurance that I'm not the only person who feels this disconnected from the rest of the world.

I've spent so much time isolated that sometimes I feel like I've forgotten how to be part of life instead of just observing it.

If any of that sounds familiar, I'd be interested in hearing your experience.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Fellow Blue 

What you wrote about loneliness and feeling like an unseen ghost in a crowded room really resonated with me. And no, you are definitely not alone in feeling this disconnected from the rest of the world.

Earlier this year I actually tried to put my own experience of loneliness into words in a post on OOTS (see quoted link below). It's long and might be a bit overwhelming, so please feel completely free to skip my ramblings and just read the responses from other OOTS members to my post.

For me, seeing how many people recognized different parts of it was incredibly validating. I feel like I had to "teach" my therapist a little about the lived experience of different kinds of lonelinesses. I have since developed that original post into a scientific article I'm working on [apparently turning painful experiences into conceptual frameworks is one of my ways of processing and making meaning. ]

I'm glad you found us, Blue.  

Most people assume loneliness means lack of people.
But loneliness is not one thing.
Loneliness comes in different forms depending on which developmental need was unmet and during which developmental window. Multiple forms can coexist in the same person.
In CPTSD, ....

[Kizzie]

Hi Blue and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm! 

I'm so sorry to hear about your loneliness, it's hard to bear as so many of here know. But it is one of the main symptoms of CPTSD is (forming and maintaining relationships), so you are in very good company here at OOTS. Sadly it seems to stem from being made to feel like we weren't worth anything to anybody and that's  hard to shake.

IMO so much of that is knowing we have this terrible history of abuse and not knowing quite how to bring that info into any relationship if at all. And if we do with people who don't understand, they may drift away because they are uncomfortable, not because they aren't good people but because they don't quite know what to say or do.

I think of this as somewhat like being a recovering alcoholic or addict, where you have a group of people you can talk to and be open and frank with, where you connect and belong. You may occasionally have a reason to tell someone outside the group something like "No thanks no alcohol for me I'm a recovering alcoholic" but it's rarely something you go into detail about.

Because you do have a group of people who get it, being a trauma survivor becomes less of a terrible secret and more just one part of who you are. Going to AA or NA often bleeds off that intense sense of loneliness and hopefully coming here will help you in the same way.

 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Blue. I hope that being here may help you feel less alone.

[TheBigBlue]

Blue, one other thought from me. Something I've come to understand through trying to make sense of my own loneliness is that "loneliness" can actually come from a lot of different unmet needs. Sometimes it's needing people who understand our trauma without explanation, and a community like this can be wonderful for that. But sometimes it's friendship, being truly known by another person, belonging, attachment, companionship, being witnessed, or simply having someone to share ordinary life with.

For me, realizing those weren't all the same thing helped enormously. One kind of connection can ease one kind of loneliness without necessarily touching another. I think that can be especially complicated with CPTSD, because so much of the injury happened in relationships in the first place, and often during our early development. It can affect our sense of safety and trust, our sense of self, whether we feel we belong, whether we can let ourselves be known, and even whether connection actually feels like connection when we have it.

Your image of being an unseen ghost in a crowded room really captured that for me. I hope being here gives you at least one place where you feel a little more seen.

[BrokenBlue]

Thank you all for your kind words and warm welcomes. My apologies for it taking so long to reply back. Admittedly, Its been a struggle since I posted and been trying to stay afloat ever since.

There is so much I want to share and say here, however, I am somewhat hesitant as I have attempted reaching out in forums in the past, yet not been well received.

What I will say is, like so many others out there, I have spent the last 15yrs (nearly 20) not only drowning in this extreme isolation, but also feeling like I must me one of the most invisible people in the world (that or, even though this may make me sound like a bad person, the more some have tried to get to know me, the less and less they wanted to know).

I dont know, it just feels like I have no people of my own in this life. I used to have friends (well, if ya call drinking buddies a real friend) - but ya, sucks when no one knows a single thing about ya past that, drinking i mean. Been sober for many years though.

And ya, once again, back when I posted this thread I thought I would give this a try one more time - reaching out online again and see what happens. See if its possible to meet and make some long lasting friendships.

Aside from all that, however, thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on my post here (means more than you know). Hope everyone is having, or had a awesome sauce kind of day

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you've been struggling and glad you have come back to post again. No apologies needed for the time taken - people post as and when they are up to it. Take your time and post as much or as little as feels comfortable.

[Kizzie]

  I echo Narc Kiddo's sentiments, it takes as long as it takes to become comfortable posting here, we're used to that for sure. 

When you think about it, coming here and posting is a pretty safe way of starting to overcome feeling invisible.  In my case it helped to figure out how I got that way. My family, but in particular my narcissistic mother would talk right over top of me so I became really reticent to speak. That kept me safe from the feelings I had from when I was cut off or shut down but it came at a cost -- loneliness.

Once I figured out emotionally that not everyone was going to cut me off or ignore me because not everyone is an N, the belief that I would be hurt or rejected if I spoke up started to shift. Also, being here and sharing a bit at a time and then more and more really made a difference in breaking the emotional logjam. 

Anyway, maybe a place to start for you is figuring out why/how you came to feel the way you do?

I hope being here helps you too.   

[Marcine]

Hi Blue,
Nice to meet you.