New here, hoping to find belonging

[crywithmonsters]

  Hello. I am a 27-year-old autistic woman and I am 2 months into therapy for sudden, crippling bouts of resentment and rage related to my last relationship. This mental health decline has taken me by surprise as the relationship ended 2.5 years ago. I couldn't make sense of the sudden heartbreak as I am in a wonderful relationship with my very best-friend. As it turns out, I have C-PTSD and these are emotional flashbacks and my late reaction isn't all that uncommon. I've been told it's even a good sign that I feel safe enough to experience this now? I decided to join here because I've found a lot of validation in hearing other survivors' experiences on social media. I wanted to try something a little more personal. I hope to feel a little less alone in the company of the users here, and I hope I can offer the same to others.


If any of you are interested in my long trouble made short... (TRIGGER WARNING):


I am one of many people whose abusers "told on themselves". I left my abuser for my current partner, partly because I knew this was one of the only exits my abuser would allow. My abusive ex ran a smear campaign in response and succeeded. My abuser used my leaving him for a safe man to convince most of my friends and family that that I had been cheating and was the one secretly abusing him the entire time. 

My abuser admitted to some of the abuse and my "loved ones" decided I should have forgiven him for all of it and stayed. My abuse became a public spectacle that I was mocked for. My reputation was destroyed by his lies and I was left entirely unsupported except for my current partner. I often believe my "friends" and family's cold reactions to the ex's abuse affected me more than the abuse itself.

My greatest shame is that I am still in some contact with my abuser. I foolishly agreed to try and "forgive" him for the smear campaigns months after the injury, because I was so terrified that all my suffering was "for nothing". I know my attachment to him is simply a trauma bond. Most everyone around me invalidated the abuse, and he is now one of the only remaining people who acknowledges it happened. He is the only other witness to it. Part of me believes that when I can no longer go to him for an apology, my version of things never really happened.

One of the primary reasons I am here is try and escape from the shame of feeling dependent on my abuser, and hopefully open myself to more support. I hope I can grow enough to no longer feel the need to hear his apologies.  Thank you to those of you who took the time to read all this. 

[zen_racer]

crywithmonsters, I'm sorry you've had to deal with not only the abuse, but the smear campaign afterwards.  I haven't had an ex be that bad, but I have gotten the abuse and smear campaigns from my family, so I'm at least a little familiar with how that feels.  Like you, I've been in contact with my abusers.  For me, I was apparently so good at dissociating that I've only been able to recognize the patterns of abuse for the last 2 months or so.

I hope that you can get to where you no longer feel the need to hear his apologies as well.  That would be a good place to get to.  I hope you find a helpful sense of community here like I have. 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I am sorry you are going through this but glad to read that you have a therapist and a loving partner now.

[Hope67]

Welcome