I am new to this, and a little nervous. Hello all!

[Baldorin]

Hello, Baldorin here, I am 63, born in Germany, currently living in the US.  I have been married for 29 years to my wife and best friend. After all these years I am finally having the courage to start working on myself.  So I started therapy about four months ago, reading books, and watching youtube videos.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD, since C-PTSD has not been recognized officially in the US.  Although my therapist knows that I have several C-PTSD symptoms.

I am slowly dealing with past memories, emotions, feelings of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, during childhood.  I also never dealt with the grief of being forced to retire due to chronic illness and chronic pain.  Losing many of my friends, and both of my parents since 2020.  (As a side note, I can't figure out why I seem to take my father's death especially hard, although he was one of my abusers, and I had zero contact with him for over 50 years).

At this point stuff is getting overwhelming, the sadness is getting a bit too much. Especially for a guy who has never dealt with emotions, and doesn't know how to communicate these emotions.  I am always in my head ruminating on finding solutions, reading every book/article, or watching every YouTube video on C-PTSD.   Intellectually, I know I am keeping me distracted so I don't have to deal with emotions.  I have done this literally my entire life.

I was involved professionally in evangelical ministry, ordained minister with American Baptist Churches USA, with an M.A. in systematic theology, and a minor in philosophy of religions. I left that community disillusioned and broken several years ago.  I personally enjoy studying different ideas in science, theology, philosophy, and religions.  I love PC gaming, reading Fantasy, Science Fiction, movies, and coffee/tea. By the way, my nickname Baldorin has been my PC gaming name for over 25 years.

[zen_racer]

Hello Baldorin, welcome to the forum.  I'm sorry that you have so much that you're dealing with, but you've found a great place.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you are having therapy and working on yourself. It can feel particularly intense and tough at the beginning stages, so please be gentle with yourself. It is good you recognise that you are keeping yourself distracted with the intellectual side of this. It's not a bad thing, especially when the emotions get too tough to bear. When you haven't dealt with emotions for so long you do need respite from time to time, I think. And the way through this is slightly different for everyone so amassing knowledge that you can pick apart for what suits you is useful work - just be careful not to let that overwhelm you too. It's tiring, whichever way you approach it.

Both my parents are still alive and I am in contact with them. One reason I started therapy was because for some time I had thought that the death of my mother would bring nothing but relief. But I started to have a nasty feeling that the death might not bring relief and perhaps I should start working her out of my system before she goes. Not having had contact with your father does not necessarily mean that you have worked him out of your system. If there was ever a kernel of hope hiding somewhere that you might reconcile, or get him to apologise, or whatever, then his death would have removed that last hope. I don't know if that lands at all, and please ignore if unhelpful, but that's the initial thought I had when you said you are taking his death especially hard.

[Kizzie]

Hi Baldorin and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm 

Just my thoughts but I think now that you've signalled to yourself that you are going to work things out, the memories and feelings can be overwhelming so it's helpful to try and slow down and work with your therapist slowly and with compassion for yourself. You've recognized you intellectualize and that's not a bad thing IMO because avoiding feeling your feelings can actually be a way of not becoming overwhelmed.

When I started recovery I tried to "rip the bandaid off" and it did not go well. Slowing down, taking breaks, working with a therapist and being here talking about things with others who totally understood made a huge difference.

Glad to have you here 

Kizzie

 

 

[Baldorin]

Thank you both for your kind remarks.  NarcKiddo,I appreciate your response.  Our minds are interesting.  I just recently finished books by Pete Walker ( Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, and The Tao of Fully Feeling ) and Dr. Gabor Maté's  books, ( In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, The Myth of Normal). These books have touched me deeply. 

I have been struggling with alcohol and drug addiction since age 13, and at age 27 I had the fortune of facing my addictions, and luckily, I have been sober for over 33 years.  Obviously I am still struggling with an addictive personality, instead of drugs and alcohol; food, video games, social media, and endless intellectualizing everything are still internal struggles.

My wife and I come from extreme trauma backgrounds, we managed to make our relationship work to a degree.  She has started working on herself for a few years now, and the change in her has challenged me to finally start being honest with myself and seeking therapy. We both lived a life of isolation, survival mode, and very few friends.  We spend years playing video games together for hours.  Until she had enough and started to change.  I was slower in recognizing that I needed help.

Regarding my father, I ran into him in a German bar at age 17, he was drunk as usual, and for a moment he saw me and started crying.  Then just five minutes later he started a fist fight with the guy next to him, and I left. I always hated him, and to be honest I still do.  I was his punching bag ever since I was 3 years old.  I watched him trying to kill my mother a age 9.  My grand father came to rescue my mother and got him arrested.  I am still very upset with myself for shedding any tears for him when he died.  When my mother died I was completely emotionless.  Who knows, the mind is a mystery to me.   But, thank you for your kind words, and I hope I don't cause any distress to anyone who is reading this.  I am a work in progress, even at age 63. (LOL)

[NarcKiddo]

Well done for facing your most damaging addictions and for recognising that many things can be addictive. We are all a work in progress!

My husband comes from a trauma background too - while one might think it would be a recipe for disaster I have found that it has been a major factor in the survival of our relationship. Even in the days when neither of us recognised trauma we could understand one another.

I was sorry to read about your experiences with your father. In terms of distressing anyone, I don't personally think what you wrote is problematic. Graphic descriptions of abuse are not permitted here but some discussion of the broad sense of what happened is. People will sometimes put a trigger warning before such a discussion, just in case. You'll probably notice them as you have a look around the forum.