Scapegoating the family whistleblower

[Still Me]

Jeeze I've no idea what I'm doing here , but here goes .
Im a fellah so it's easier if I use bullet points rather than prose .
Nearly 27 yrs ago I called the police on my parents .
My sister had disclosed my father sexually  abused her .
Everyone in the family believed her , but no one would do anything about it .
I spent 2 yrs trying to get my family to address the problem.
Everyone demanded i drop the issue .
Including the victim , then an adult .
I couldn't because there were grandkids visiting.
My brother , a parent refused to protect his kids and  refused to tell his wife that these allegations  had been made .
I refused to drop pushing for answers and eventually  when he saw it wasn't going away ... my father admitted the abuse .
My family , including my mother  still refused to do anything  and the victim was still demanding I also stop .
I was totally on my sisters side and supported her unconditionally,  but I just couldn't do what she was demanding I do because 2 sets grandchildren were in the house  with my father most day's.
So I called the police and my father didn't deny anything .
To this day I have been scapegoated and boycotted by everyone in the family including uncles and aunts .
My father the abuser was not isolated and there were 5 priests on the alter at his funeral . I did not attend
All my other siblings brought their children into the house  , even though my sister confirmed the sexual abuse to them.
I cut off all contact with them  in 1999 . It was traumatic and the blame and anger I got was very difficult.
But I was saved by the birth of my only child , a girl, on my birthday in 2020. That saved me  i forgave my mother , and visited her often enough in the 3 yrs  efore she died ..
In the last 2 years,, I'm 64 , I'm feeling the trauma of it all and it hurts

[dollyvee]

Hey Still Me,

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It's a heartbreaking thing to stand up against something for so wrong and be seen as if you're the problem. I can understand why you have a lot of residual feelings around all that. For me, I think you did the right thing for trying to look out for those kids when no one else did.

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find what you're looking for you. 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Still Me]

Thanks for that Dollyvee
Well that's the role of a family scapegoat.
I always assumed over the years  that decency and fairness would win out. I had no understanding until last year that being a family scapegoat is a life sentence,  most especially because the issue isn't money,  land , sibling  rivalry etc , but child abuse.
The siblings who brought their children into the abusers house  can never ever admit to others what they did so they all pretend it never happened.  and it's my role to be blamed rather than examining what they did.
I already know I did the right thing Dolly  . Imagine being scapegoated for trying to get family members to address child abuse.

My sister privately  at my mother's funeral told me I was right to do what I did . She said I was 100% correct and had no choice but to do what I did. But that was privately. She also uses me as scapegoat  because  she didnt want to be blamed for family rupture  , shes very very happy  its me and not her Every single  professional or counsellor I've spoken to over 20 yrs have admired the way I handled the situation.
Just to balance out the above , ie perspective
Im extremely close to my wife and daughter.  We live in a 300yrold house ,sheds  on 9 acres of paddocks and gardens that I've renovated over 30yrs and every year we take in thousands of school children and Spanish student on tours to do heritage activities with them , eg storytelling, bread making,  butter and cheese making , pillowfighting and old fashioned fun . I am very lucky, we have no debts , everything was paid from earnings. 
Its just ,as,I said ,the full implications of being a family scapegoat didn't hit me til last year.
The long reply was because I was in having lunch .
Maybe my experience will help some reader

[Marcine]

Hi Still Me,
I see the courage it surely took to stand up again and again for what you knew was right in the face of messages to be quiet and stop.

I also hear in your words the huge cost and the heavy load you have been carrying.

I am so sorry that you were punished and isolated for trying to protect your sister and the grandkids, that you were scapegoated for speaking the truth.

I imagine that you couldn't live with yourself if you didn't do all you could to try to protect them. You are that kind of a person. One with integrity.

Welcome to the forum. I have found it to be a healing place with supportive, intelligent, caring folks. I hope you do too.
~Marcine

[Kizzie]

Hi Still Me and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm! 

I am truly sorry for what happened to you as a result of telling the truth and never backing down. I admire your resolve in the face of the loss of family and being scapegoated. It doesn't make sense to me that no-one would listen but there's that almost terrifying need that family members have when the family system is threatened as in "Keep things together at all costs". You were the cost and frankly I think they lost out - on a having a healthy, honest, courageous person in their lives. 

In one way it's a very high price to pay, but I also think the alternative was worse. You are still you as your pseudonym suggests and you have carved a wonderful life for yourself. This doesn't make up for the hurt and I suspect anger you are feeling so I hope you will let yourself feel those feelings. We do have a journal section where a lot of members work through their feelings if that's something that might be helpful - https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0

Kizzie

[Still Me]

Thank you all kizzi,Marine and Dolly eek.  for your kind words.
I didn't post for several weeks , we were on holidays . But the real reason I  was holding off is because I wanted to think about what I need to say. Im being the family scapegoat for 30 years because I'm literally the only person who supported my sister and the ONLY sibling who saw that protecting children  from abuse is non negotiable.
You are all correct I have found this path in life very difficult,painfully so  yet I have no choice and I'm still me through it all
My sister made her disclosure in 1991 to 3 family  and nothing was done until 1999. I spent 3 yrs of meetings trying to get any family  to support my sister and get to the truth . I only called the police after 3 admissions of abuse from my father but no sibling or my mother  would intervene  or do anything Everybody   hid except me
At a funeral 8 yrs later the entire family were told not to speak to me, uncles, aunts, parents , siblings cousins . Only one wonderful Aunt walked up the church to our pew and shook my hand . I was so touched by her bravery that I kissed her hand . After mass she was outraged that people were telling her who she could or couldn't talk to
Ive always known 109% that (A) i was correct ie you cannot bring children into a confessed child abuser (B) their has to be accountability. From abuser and enablers
A few months ago I was,diagnosed with Cancer .my gp had through oversight missed several high prostate blood readings over 4 yrs until this yr . However I'm extremely  lucky,  it's localised , small , treatable and ice been picked to go on special pilot programme for type of new radiotherapy.
But it got me thinking of my legacy . What I did on my own was remarkable. It failed but it was still remarkable.  I did all the right things by pure instinct  and acted at all times honorable. On my own . But leaving my good name and legacy to family members who have scapegoated me for 30yrs is not to be bourne
SoI have a plan of personal salvation .I am putting together a comprehensive detailed report of my family covering up child abuse , what they did and said,. And also a full accurate account of everything I did and said, to protect sister and  my nieces and nephews it will,also cover the auntiesand uncles,who knew and did nothing .
Because future,generations who are tryingto make sense of the,family disaster  might heal quicker. This record of 30 pages,and 30 copies,is almost finished  and it will be my record of the family abuse and the cover up . Copies will be sent to all siblings, uncles aunts,cousins and they will have to read what they  became   and then I'm finally free to walk away with my hrmead high
    Im very interested,in any feedback from this forum 

[dollyvee]

I'm not 100% sure what to say SM...I was also the scapegoat in my family and the truth teller. I still find myself in this role now, and am having interactions with people where I can see red flags in their behaviour (at the gym there is something going on about someone using IMO "coercive control" and being overly interested in playing with kids when they apparently started dating their spouse while she was 17 and he was 18 years older; I, being the one who felt off about him from the beginning, think I'm being targeted for not falling under that "control").

My sf suffered his own abuse and was jealous of me and wanted to "bring me down," punishing me when I had my own opinions/tried to break free, but the family still talked to him etc, and had me try to be the bigger person (pretty sure he was a malignant NPD). So, it's a pattern in my life that I feel like I am again repeating in a way, falling into this role, and seeking "justice" or freedom from it. I think the idea of justice, or perhaps of just being seen, is something that I'm looking at now. I think when you go through something like this, one wants so much to be recognized and that the world they were existing in was "wrong" and that they were "right" (speaking from my own personal experience here) because like you said, you were acting in the honourable way. I was also always trying to be fair with everything. But often, I don't think people actually get the justice etc that they are seeking, and that need to be seen and validated, must come from within IMO.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say maybe to ask yourself why you want to send the letter/account of what happened? I have been in the same place where I felt like I had to say something to someone, who people told me didn't have the capacity to hear what I was saying, and I did. To me, it felt like not being silenced again after someone's ill treatment of me, which I had to endure for a long time growing. Maybe on the other hand, I also felt too like it would trigger something to change and for them to reflect on their behaviour (which I also tried to do time and time again with my NPD m, hoping that she would see me). I don't know which is the stronger narrative here. So, it might not bring the relief that you may be hoping for (on some level), but trigger the next phase in healing that maybe you need to go through if they react negatively. This is not necessarily something that we can see when we're in it. This is all my own opinion, so please take and leave as necessary.

Sending you support,
dolly