Hi From UK

[mrsafe]

Hello, I was reading a lot of the posts while I was waiting for approval and just seeing words that I identify with from the fingers of other people is somewhat comforting.

I am 53, I was diagnosed in 2019, although being diagnosed just allows you to connect the dots right back to the abuse, it explains behaviours, isms and helps identify triggers; whilst the stories I have read are different, the damage is the same.

I have worked hard over the years and on paper, I seem successful, but the reality is I am barely functional. I wear a virtual mask like most of us and play the game at work in order to survive. I never tell my employers about my condition.

I live in the UK where we get free healthcare, unfortunately the the mental health offering is over stretched and the types of therapy on offer don't really help. I have a psychiatrist but I have yet to receive any psychology in 4 years of waiting.

My main symptoms are nightmares , I take medication for this. If I don't I often wake up and then spend half the day trying to unpick the emotional distress of a metaphor for abuse, which is ultimately unpickable.

I have seen a lot about relationships on here, obviously after being diagnosed I realised that my reactions in relationships and subsequent failures were a result of my condition and that put an unfair strain on partners. I realised that those partners were better off without me which is both good and sad in some ways.

I ended up in very toxic relationship where I was the subject of suicide blackmail, I have managed to get out of that, it may have cost me a house, but at the moment, the relief is totally worth it.

Needless to say I have decided that relationships are not worth it whilst paradoxically craving a meaningful connection the depth of which is unrealistic to most folk without this condition.

I have seen the word Joyless a few times, I feel like this, I feel like I have condensed my entire existence into a serious of tasks that I must complete and there is absolutely no joy to be had doing any of them even if they seem like some that might be enjoyable from the outside.

Ok that's about enough from me, I hope to be able to contribute to this site by sharing my observations throughout the years of living with this and despite my rather negative introduction I hope I can provide some positivity to others.

Hello to you all and thanks for having me!

 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm in the UK too, so I am aware of the problems of getting any kind of psychological help from the NHS.

I am sorry about all the relationships where you feel the partners were better off without you. That's very sad, and it may not even be true. But I totally understand why you would feel that way. It goes with the CPTSD territory. I'm also very sorry you ended up in a toxic relationship but glad to read you are now out of it, even though it was financially expensive.

I'm glad you found us.