introducing myself

[sparklecat]

hello all. I was introduced to forum communities through Alliance of Hope, a suicide survivor loss forum, website, and community. it has been an invaluable resource for me since losing my girlfriend in december. that loss has made my CPTSD symptoms so much more intense, so i decided to reach out to maybe find community in this way as well. id like to consider myself an artist, and i am passionate about public service and library science. i have a cat that i love very much.

heres a bit about my past, and my CPTSD:

i wouldnt consider the folks who raised me to be my "parents".  i was homeless from birth to about 15, and passed around quite a bit by my bio mother and her family, whoever she was dating at the time, etc. I also survived sexual abuse by family, so honestly my idea of family is pretty skewed and i usually tell people i just dont have any. there was alot of food and clothing and hygiene control, "cruel and unusual punishment" is what i would consider it now. i am 23 now, and have completely seperated myself from that "family", they dont know where i am and id like to keep it that way.

I want to heal, but i feel completely overwhelmed by my symptoms. I dissociate alot, and react with anger to any sort of unexpected noise, change in plan, interruption to my day. i often blank out and "lose time", finding myself trying to continue a conversation only to realize its been hours since having it. i would say my emotions wildly oscillate between completely numb and completely overwhelmed, but in both extremes i find no connection to my body or the world around me. I also tend to "age regress" involuntarily, which sometimes can feel helpful (for processing and feeling emotions) and sometimes is wildly inappropriate for the situation i am in.  since losing my partner my empathy feels gone most times, and i frequently have flashbacks, where it feels like i am back in past situations. it is very confusing and upsetting, i have a tendancy to ruminate. i deal with alot of self hatred, and self sabotage, i have broken up with partners because i dont feel i deserve them. I feel very alone most of the time. i try to keep an optimistic outlook on life regardless, and i do believe humans and the earth are largely good. I am officially diagnosed with cptsd, but i suspect there is a larger dissociative identity disorder lurking within. I have evidence of other parts within myself, but i do not want to seek a diagnosis due to the stigma attached, as well as i believe our multi faceted existence is what has kept us surviving this long.

i hope this isnt innapropriate or to much information. i am looking forward to reading posts here and trying my best to live a happier, safer life.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Sparkle Cat! 

I'm sorry for all that you have gone through and that you are struggling now with CPTSD because of it. You do seem to know a lot about why you react the way you do and your symptoms and that is actually a big step towards recovery, especially if you dissociate a lot.

I hope sharing and talking here will help you sort things out even more. The community here gets it, provides support, and shares their experiences with what has worked and what hasn't for them.

Do you see a therapist? If not it may be an idea to see if you can locate one you feel comfortable with who is knowledgeable about CPTSD and dissociative identify disorder. Taken together it may be a bit much to deal with without some professional guidance. Just my opinion of course, whatever feels best to you.

 

[TheBigBlue]

Hi and welcome. 

First, I'm very sorry about what you have been through. I'm glad you found your way here, though I wish the circumstances had been different.

Reading your introduction, what struck me most was not your symptoms, but how much you've survived - and yet I still hear someone who cares deeply about people, loves their cat, values art, believes in public service, and still wants a happier and safer life. That says a lot about who you are.

Nothing you shared felt inappropriate or "too much." Many of us arrived here carrying stories that felt overwhelming, confusing, or difficult to explain to others. You don't have to figure everything out at once. From what you wrote, you've already done something important: you've found your way to a place where you don't have to carry all of it alone.

Sending a gentle welcome to both you and your cat.

[zen_racer]

Hello SparkleCat, and welcome.

I'll second the sentiment that what you shared is not inappropriate or too much.  I relate a lot to the dissociation.  I've only just begun to understand that I've done so a lot. 

I also have a cat that I love very much.  Mine doesn't sparkle, but he is a giant orange blob of fur.

I tend to ruminate as well, a lot.

In my opinion, if you'd like to consider yourself an artist, then you ARE an artist.

I'm glad you found this place, and I hope it's as good for you as it has been for me.