Just figured out my diagnosis

[klauwier]

I am a high achiever, and I was raised that way by my single mother. I participated in competitions all my life, and won some of them. No matter how good I was, there were always mistakes, and she pointed them out. This view has lived in my head for many years. When someone praises me, I cannot accept it, because there is always something I could do better.

I didn't know what was wrong, why I was so unhappy, and why I didn't have any friends. I thought that maybe other kids just had too different interests, so I went to a special class in the other school expecting to be happier among similar competitors. I organised it from scratch, being too afraid to burden my mother more than just by signing papers.

But my problem got only worse: it was a demanding school, and my mother was used to good grades, so I was screamed at, punished, humiliated even more for not meeting her high standards. I had to learn how to lie and talk without triggering her to check my grades.

She kept saying that it was my mistake to go there. It was my decision and mine alone, so obviously I was the one to blame. But I didn't feel I did anything wrong, so I thought that maybe I just took the wrong specialisation, so I started to discuss with teachers how to switch to the other class. My mother didn't like my idea, it sounded like any other plan of mine that was doomed to fail. I abandoned the idea.

I had a safe time when she was bragging to her friends about what a successful daughter she raised. She praised me only at those times. Only I mentioned mistakes in front of the guests. I was confused by her two-faced behaviour, but that made me look shy and modest.

I ran away from home, but was brought back. Outside I saw how the other girl talked to her mother, and I realised that my situation was abnormal and that other adults couldn't help me legally. Even if they did care about my miserable life, it would take too much effort to fight for a child.

I went to the police and asked them to take me to an orphanage. But they took me to an asylum for my suicidal thoughts. My mother signed all the papers to keep me there, and I, as a child, had no right to protest. The doctors found out that I had autoimmune hypothyroidism. It was my golden ticket to escape the asylum. I pretended I was cured by the pills. The doctors agreed that the whole problem was in my thyroid and let me go.

By that time I lost hope that anyone could help me. Other adults failed. The police failed. Mental health doctors failed. They were all convinced by my mother that I was just a confused teenager. No adult asked my opinion. I had to endure.

I dropped out of the cool school after a year and didn't study anywhere for another year. I was playing WoW instead. It was nice to learn from other tanks, and I helped guild members from time to time with their little problems in the game. I have imagined myself as a druid bear since then, the strong one who can take a lot of damage and stand still without any visible injury.

But I had to go back to the cruel reality. I finished some other school with no pressure from the teachers. My mother found it and kept repeating how smart this decision was. As if the problem was with the teachers and not with her.

It was a miracle I managed to go to the university I wanted. It became a little easier to live. I got freedom from everyday reports. I could play the busy card to ignore her for some time.

I met a supportive authority for the first time. It was my programming teacher who demanded more than others and never got personal or angry. He was the calmest teacher, and he could explain our mistakes over and over again. Oh, I learned a lot back then.

But his courses ended. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and it felt like there was no person like him in the whole world. I was afraid to fail every exam, because I would have to return to my mother as a failure. Death would be a preferable option.

I abandoned my group, and switched to another one. I endured a few more years. I almost failed my diploma, but graduated, and even found a job as a programmer. I met my boyfriend, and we lived for three years together, but I started to recognise my mother's actions in what he did, and I started to make the same mistakes my mother had made. I had been asking him for a year to break up before it finally happened. I had to pay him. I hope he will find a way to heal from what I did.

I was and still am impaired at work. I manage to work only a portion of what I have to. Sometimes emotional flashbacks took days and even weeks away. I lied a lot, and avoided tasks and meetings. I couldn't ask for help, because I was too afraid that they would consider me incompetent and fire me.

I was too bothered by my high moral standards. I had to pay back the good I received. It started to seem that the world was better off without me, that I took more than I gave, and I thought that the problem could not be fixed.

A few months ago the suicidal urge returned and it suddenly became so easy to ask for help. The punishment didn't bother me anymore. And it turned out that my current work authority is also a supportive one. We were talking a lot for a month and a half, and I was spending every free minute on figuring out what was wrong with me.

I started by minimising it, but I read that if I have symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad. I accepted the diagnosis a week ago. I read so much about it, and my whole life suddenly became so explainable. I have read a lot of introductions, and, oh, you guys are so helpful there. I marked a lot of books to read. And the 13 steps for Managing Flashbacks really work, though I find it hard to love my Inner Child. I am too full of self-hatred.

It seems that my situation is quite good. I am safe at work, I am receiving support from my work authority, I fully accept the CPTSD as the explanation of my problems, and I am relatively young (mid 20s). I am so hopeful right now. Though hopeless moments still catch me off guard from time to time, it is very hard to convince myself that this is an EF and not a sudden realisation of a cruel reality.

I felt so alone, but I figured out that even though I don't want to have any contact with my family, I have my colleagues, one friend, and my cat, who was saved from the streets, and even though he was traumatised by his experience, he has almost recovered and enjoys his home life.

[klauwier]

Oh no, I overcorrected the text and it became too chopped. I am really sorry, my writing is still far behind reading.

[Hope67]

Hi Klauwier,
Welcome 

I thought your writing was clear, and I was glad that you had a nice teacher (your programming teacher) - having a calming and supportive teacher, that's a great thing.  I also love that your cat is enjoying his home life after being saved from the streets. 

It's great that you're finding the 13 steps for Managing Flashbacks to be helpful already - and I hope the other things you're reading will be helpful too.

Glad you have joined the forum.   

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. It's good that you are feeling hopeful right now, and that you are able to work with the hopeless moments and try to recognise them as EFs. That's great progress. I'm glad you have your colleagues, and your friend, and your cat.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Klauwier,

I'm really glad you found your way here. Your post came across as very clear and thoughtful - not "chopped" at all.

A lot of what you describe makes so much sense in the context of CPTSD, especially the pressure to be perfect and the difficulty accepting praise. Those aren't flaws, they're ways you learned to survive.

I was also struck by how much insight you already have, and how you're starting to connect things. That's not easy, and it really shows your strength.

It's completely understandable that self-hatred is still there and that inner child work feels hard. Many of us here struggle with that too.

I'm really glad you're here - and you're not alone with this. 💛

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to Out of the Storm! 

I felt so alone, but I figured out that even though I don't want to have any contact with my family, I have my colleagues, one friend, and my cat, who was saved from the streets, and even though he was traumatised by his experience, he has almost recovered and enjoys his home life.

And don't forget you have us now and we know what it's like to have CPTSD, feel alone and lonely, have a difficult time quieting the negative voice in our heads, and all the other things that we are 'gifted' because of the abuse/neglect we went through and maybe still are in certain cases.

 

[klauwier]

Thank you all for your comments. It's so important to be understood and accepted as I am. I thought my whole life that everyone would rather hate me after getting to know me better, and I am happy that turned out to be false.