hey (TW)

[oregondew02]

Very light trigger warning? Nothing descriptive but there is a mention of self-deletion.

Hey everyone! I'm a bit shocked to be here, and writing a post for that matter.. but here I am!

I initially learned of this forum a few days ago for an assignment in my class, abnormal psychology. The assignment entailed finding local or online support groups or spaces for a mental illness. I never told my professor that I was diagnosed with PTSD at 18 years old, but I was assigned it for the class regardless. So here I am, researching support groups for my own disorder that I had zero intention on attending or partaking in. Some things caught my attention while doing my research, though. C-PTSD, recognized in the ICD-11 but not the DSM-5, was an entirely separate disorder.. but somehow almost the same concept? I don't know. I'm still learning my way around the terminology.

I already didn't go through with any treatment for my initial PTSD diagnosis, I was mortified to. After going through what I did with my antidepressants, making me feel so emotionally numb and eventually pushing me to my first and only attempt at 16 years old via morphine.. I was too scared to seek help. So I let it sit.

For years, I suffered with hallucinations and severe formication [a symptom where you hallucinate the feeling of insects crawling in, on or underneath your skin],  due to my childhood trauma. I also have a really hard to maintaining any sort of positive self-image. I thought it was normal, being as young as I am and having hormones as a woman... but is that really true? Or is that the result of society conditioning me that it was normal? I still don't know. I still struggle. I work out as often as I can, though it feels like there's screaming little voices in my head telling me, "it's too hard" or "it's not worth it" or "you deserve nothing." And it's not just with working out.. it's putting on makeup, going out with my boyfriend, eating food... I'm always too fat, too worthless, too guilty, too anything.

Having these experiences with myself, and then reading the C-PTSD criterion... was like reading about myself indirectly. Struggling to trust anyone in my life, feeling constantly disconnected from EVERYONE, not being able to maintain close relationships with anyone.
I'm even struggling with my boyfriend because I keep lashing out every time he asks me about my past... I thought maybe I could be like my parents and NEVER talk about it and just MOVE ON, but I was so wrong. Why are they even a model for me anyway? I don't even talk to them. I haven't for almost 6 years now.

Or sometimes when I am able to talk about my life, I feel this horrifyingly empty feeling. Like everything I say doesn't effect me, but I know it actually does. Like I have a lump in my throat, I feel my heart slow, and I feel my stomach churn. But on the outside, there's nothing. I can't be angry, I can't yell, I can't even cry a little bit. And, like it came out of thin air, I feel it all release at once. I get defensive, and I isolate myself.

Anyway, I'm done with the monologue. My point was that.. I've somehow made it this far with zero knowledge on how to treat myself. I did absolutely nothing (intentionally) to treat my PTSD. I've simply put it into a bottle and masked for years. Now that I feel like I am with someone who truly wants to connect and understand me? The bottle feels like it's going to explode.. and I don't want that to happen. I wish I knew what to do. I hope this is a good step to take.

[Blueberry]

Hi Oregondew02 and a warm welcome to the forum as a survivor 

The more you write about your history plus your feelings and reactions reading on here, the more I say "that sounds like cptsd to me".

You can seal it in a bottle and just keep living, but at some point it's likely to explode and/or it leaks out without you noticing hurting yourself and others in the process...

To speak for myself, I don't think mine was ever sealed in a bottle. More likely simmering in a pot on the stove waiting to boil over at any point.

What to do? Go slowly. Don't dump out the contents of the bottle all at once. It's often difficult for people like us, but trust your intuition which is basically telling you to go slowly.

There's a lot of information on the forum, so do keep reading but give yourself breaks too to avoid overwhelm.

If you are able and it doesn't trigger you too much, it could be good to approach a medical doctor or therapist.

[NarcKiddo]

    

I'm glad you found us. It sounds like you have come to the right place and I hope you can find some help and comfort here.

[Kizzie]

Hello and welcome to Out of the Storm, I'm glad you found your way here 

One suggestion I have (having tried to "rip the bandaid off" when I started here) is to take it slow and easy if you can. I realize there's a lot stored up that wants out, but that can be overwhelming in my experience. So maybe try a little at a time, hear back from members, sit with that, and then take another step forward when you feel safe to do so. This can help increase your "window of tolerance" (the optimal zone of emotional arousal where you can think clearly, feel safe, and manage daily life stress), and help you to feel comfortable here.

I hope this is helpful 

Kizzie