Hello from New England

[Nograpefruit]

I have honestly been sitting on this post for a little while now. I'm not really sure how to introduce myself when I have spent so much of my life minimizing myself and my trauma and always trying to fade into the background. I have attempted this countless times and I keep finding myself deleting what I have written. Maybe this one will stick.

Hello, I'm nograpefruit (they/them pronouns), 33 year old transmasc individual (an umbrella term for people assigned female at birth (AFAB) whose gender identity, gender expression, or both lean toward the masculine side of the spectrum). I honestly should have been diagnosed with CPTSD in high school as that is when most of my symptoms started. I have had significant SA and child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) during elementary school. With many other traumas intertwined. During high school my mental health symptoms really started. I was having flashbacks and nightmares and coped with self harm and substances. I no longer use substances but still self harm. I have times where my flashbacks and nightmares are more severe. During the times inbetween I would get (and still get) frustrated with myself and why can't I just be like everyone around me. I try SO HARD to seem like I have everything put together. But if you could see over my sky high walls you would see a city laid to ruins due to all of the traumas in my life.
 
I have been in therapy since I was 20 after my step brother killed himself. At the time I thought I only needed to heal from the overwhelming grief from losing a sibling. I had no intention of talking about any of my childhood trauma let alone the countless other traumas I have endured. Therapy was never in the cards for me. My parents divorced when I was 3. I spent most of my childhood with my mom. She is an immigrant and had to work 2 jobs to keep us afloat. My father was incredibly religious and was very strict. I had unlimited freedom at one house and was under huge amounts of control in the other. Therapy just never was an option.

But after my brother died I opened the door and it honestly saved my life. I have done incredible amounts of healing over the past 13 years (actively in therapy for 9 years). I would not be here today if I hadn't decided to go to therapy. AND I still have such a long way to go. I get incredibly overwhelmed with thinking about the healing that I still have.

And I feel like an alien dropped down with such a different experience than all the people around me. It took me a VERY long time to even start talking about having COCSA and recording of the SA. I have started to be able to talk about it in therapy. It's still very hard and I find myself dissociating and shutting down frequently. And it feels so isolating. My therapist recommended finding similar individuals that I could relate with. I mentioned the alien dropped down on earth because I find myself having a hard time connecting with my friends and family. I don't talk to my friends about any of this. Not that I think they would be harmful, I just don't think some of them could honestly handle it.

I have an amazing wife that I have been with for 10 years. On very hard days she is my anchor. And I find myself not even willing to talk to her about these things as maybe a means to protect her. I have been abused, used, and exploited in ways that I would never want to talk to her about. She knows very little and I intend on keeping it that way. It is almost easier to say these things behind a screen. On the surface I try so hard to have a calming presence. While internally I am screaming and crying. I am an alien that feels completely isolated and different and at any time people will realize I'm damaged and don't belong. I'm still searching for an alien mother ship with others that can relate.

[Kizzie]

Hi Nograpefruit and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm! 

Note: I added paragraph breaks to you post to make it easier to read, and definitions of two terms for readers who may not be familiar with them.

I think you'll find us to be that alien mother ship you've been looking for as we really do get it here. Many of us feel different and when you consider how much we hide from others it's understandable. IME talking openly here about my symptoms and the abuse I suffered with others who have been through relational abuse means I am connecting finally.  I hope the same will be true for you!

Kizzie

[Nograpefruit]

Thank you Kizzie! Perfect definition for transmasc. Sometimes I'm in a such a queer bubble that I forget not everyone knows what different terms are.

Thank you for the welcome. I have such a hard time talking with friends or peers because I have horror stories to them, but to me it was a normal day of the week.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Nograpefruit