A letter to my sister-in-law.

[Dutch Uncle]

***possible triggers on divorce***




Dear SiL,

I've told you I can't meet you.
I can't tell you why. Well, not in your face at least. It would be pointless.
I'll do it here.

Your marriage sucks. And you know it. My brother has betrayed you so many times now, it baffles me you're still with him.
You probably have your reasons, and I'm not judging you. I haven't got a clue as to what a divorce would mean, not only in emotional terms, nor in practical terms.
I can only surmise as to your reasons to stay married.
What I do not have to surmise about is that your marriage is only one in legal terms, and the family you have with him is only a family 'by law'.
What the two of you are doing defies reason, love, care and decency. I have no clear picture of who does what (or who neglects what I should say), but I do have a clear picture of what my brother does.
And I don't like it, and I've made that clear to him on a number of occasions. That's all I can do.
He has made it clear to you to what he does. In his deeds, his behavior. You are not ignorant of it. It's not a secret. So I don't have anything to say to you in that respect. I have no news, I could only reiterate what has been going on for many, many years now, through a variety of nasty acts and nasty counter-acts or nasty indifference.

What is also clear is that you both are putting up a charade. There's lying, cheating, manipulating, the works. Yet, towards the outside world a picture is painted on how wonderful it all is. You and I know better. Not that we ever talked about it. But you know as well as I do. More so, most probable.
And I can't play a role in this Drama. I won't.
I will not play an enabling role by joining the stage and pretend. First of all, I get sick of it myself. When I meet you all I see the anger, the hostility, the sabotaging, the nagging, the lying, the fakery. It's for all to see. And that includes your kids. And I can't pretend in front of them. I will not be a man who will teach them the lesson: this is how a marriage/family works. "Nothing to see here, move on folks!" No.  For it shouldn't and doesn't have be this way.

I grew up I a family like the one you have now. And I hate to witness history repeating itself.
I remember well that some 20-odd years ago you made a remark about our family, my FOO. That it was a crazy family. I acknowledged. Little did I know then just how crazy my FOO-structure was, and still is. But you were right, and we both knew it.
So, in a way I'm sorry you married into this craziness, but you have lived away from us for those 20 years, halfway across the globe, and your family is as crazy as ours. That's been your doing, and bro's. Well, the husband and wife are as crazy as my parents I should say. Your kids are teens. 20 years ago my parents kids were adults, and behaved moronic. That's a different ballgame. But before that we were the teens like yours are now. Caught in a Drama from where there is no feasible escape.

You know all about the dysfunction in your FOC, and you must have an idea/knowledge of your own dysfunction in it. I don't. Yet there has to be. My brother can't do all this by himself. The level of dysfunction in your family can't stand on just one leg. You are the other.
Meeting you would only mean: to pretend. Or to spell out the obvious, and see it staying the same. Or to avoid the situation in it's entirety. My brother knows quite well where I stand, but he chooses to ignore. He has enablers enough around him, most notably my parents I guess, who did divorce 15-odd years ago, and still bicker with each other. LOL.
They think this is normal. For them it even is normal. It's all they have ever done.
So does bro.
But most astonishing: so do you. You are the biggest enabler of them all, of-course. Why, I don't know: you might crave the money, you might crave the social status, you might wince from the stigma of divorce, you might fear what happens next, law might present you with the short end of the stick if you file for divorce... Still, even so I can't join the pretense that you too hold up, and fake in front of you, my brother, your kids and/or whoever witnesses the mess.
I can't be complicit in this.
Your kids are paying the price here. The price you and bro are not willing to pay. You both don't want to suffer any loss for the marriage that didn't work out. Neither of you want to loose 'half', as a divorce would entail.

And I'm not bailing you out. Neither of you.
I've not seen my brother for close to a year. We hardly spoke/wrote even. I don't see this changing much, soon. As I made it clear to him as well I'm not stepping on the stage of this charade.

Both of you rather have the whole mess than to part with half of it.

So: "I won't be seeing you."
Good luck and take care. Especially for your children. They need it, and much better care than either of you are giving them at the moment, and much better care than they have received for a long while now.

So long, I'm signing off.