Hi all + my story (possible triggers)

[Sandals]

Hi everyone,

Wanted to stop in and say hi.    Thanks so much for creating this forum, it's nice to have a space to talk and learn.

So...my story in a nutshell is that I had several large shocks earlier this year that has triggered a whole slew of things for me and brought me to c-ptsd.

Time line:
April - suspected dh of infidelity
May - suspicions confirmed in one of the worst ways. did not walk in on him, but was still huge enough to send me into shock. Left home for a few days (flight), came back and asked him to leave. He came back briefly...and, i don't want to post what happened on here, but suffice to say it was bad.
Jun-Sep - applied high control and order to my life to go on w/out him and nurture 2 kids.
Oct - strings started unravelling
Nov - now off work on leave of absence

Issues:
Infidelity (abandonment)
Childhood trauma - physical abuse + neglect + narc mother (father passed away almost 15 years ago) - working on processing and memory recovery
Self Injury - started in April, beat it, came back in Oct. Working on it.

Progress:
I've been seeing my therapist for 6 months & she's great. Ironically, she saw the childhood trauma effects (emotional containment) in me before I did. I was focused on the infidelity bit.

I've never been on a leave before...have worked my whole life & was very angry when i realized i had to go. It felt like yet another choice being taken away from me. But I'm determined to use my time to the best of my abilities. Am attending a workshop this weekend called The Awakening - cautiously optimistic about it.

I'd also like to recommend a book to everyone called The Haunted Self. Really, really good book on trauma and healing from it. It is written more from a practitioner's perspective, but I found it good to help understand a lot of the stuff that is going on internally.

Here are some reviews:

"This book is required reading for everybody working in the trauma field. It contains a wealth of' new information, ideas, and propositions. It is a pioneering work, a milestone in the trauma field."
--Tijdschrift voor Psychiatrie (Dutch Flemish Journal of Psychiatry), July 2008     

"I wish the information in this book had been available 30 years ago when I became aware of the variety of survival responses a chronically abused or neglected child could develop to confound their adult therapy. The book's in-depth discussion of abuse issues addresses both clinical and theoretical questions around trauma-related disorders. A clear, non-traumatizing psychotherapy for the patient (and the therapist) is this book's purpose, which it achieves brilliantly. The authors propose theory, research and treatment that are not only understandable, but applicable to effective and efficient assessment and treatment."

"An unusual epilogue gives a moving tribute to patients and to the person of the therapist who undertakes this difficult work. I was deeply impressed by this glimpse into the experience and dedication of the three authors. They have given the field of trauma treatment a monumental work. I recommend this book to anyone likely to treat adults abused as children, children just out of an abusive situation, and to any adult experiencing post-traumatic stress."
--Voices: The Art and Science of Psychotherapy,
Winter 2007

"The title of this book, which lays out a groundbreaking approach to the theory and therapy of psychological trauma, is, like much that lies inside, both evocative and precise. (...) The field of psychological trauma and dissociative disorders, closely lined with childhood abuse, is often criticised (at times caustically) by the mainstream psychiatric press for fuzzy thinking and soft-hearted values. However, this carefully reasoned, cogently argued and well-written book—the fruit of decades of clinical experience and research (...)—should go a long way toward dispelling that view."

"The Haunted Self is, without a doubt, one of the most important books to come out of the trauma field in many decades and should serve to revitalise and transform the field. It should be read not only by clinicians working in the trauma field and interested researchers, but also by trauma sceptics as the theory (the authors are at pains to point out) is eminently testable and can be empirically judged by those who doubt its implications. Last, but certainly not least, The Haunted Self provides a welcome opportunity to reconsider the relevance of Pierre Janet's theories, which continue to provide rich clinical and theoretical insights."
--British Journal of Psychiatry, December 2007

"No other modern texts gives such a complete synthesis of Janet's psychology of action and none go as far in defining psychological trauma syndromes in forms of the sorts of dissociative splitting of personality that can be persuasively conceptualized as being influenced by developmental age, duration, type and extent of trauma, relationship to perpetrators etc. Given the manner in which a theoretical construct is developed to illuminate close similarities between conditions not always conceptualized that way, I am reminded of Janet's book, "Major Symptoms of Hysteria," (1907) based on fifteen lectures given in the Harvard Medical School in 1906, exactly 100 years before the publication of Van der Hart, Nijenhuis and Steele's equally illuminating and thought-provoking synthesis."

"This is a well-written, well-structured and thought-provoking book that challenges us to think very seriously about the multiple trauma derived states that we encounter so frequently in our patients."
--Traumatic StressPoints, December 2007

"Onno van der Hart, Ellert R. S. Nijenhuis and Kathy Steele have come as close as I can imagine to writing the definitive book on trauma, dissociation, and the complicated treatment of [trauma-related] disorders. Their book, The Haunted Self, is an elegant integration of theory, research, and clinical practice about the struggles endured by survivors of complex and repeated trauma. (...) The ideas of structural dissociation—complicated for beginning clinicians—made immediate sense to women with lived experience of trauma, confirming my belief that the authors could not be more right in what they have to teach us."
--Psychiatric Services, September 2007

"This wide-ranging, scholarly book represents the coming of age of a contemporary European perspective on Janet's theory of dissociation and its wedding to the rich tradition of previous works emanating from North America. (...) t contains a wealth of insights for those who seek to develop their skills in working with this particular client group. This book is rich in detail, a book to be read and a book to be kept at hand for reference. The scope of this review does not allow me do justice to the depth of understanding of the inner life of trauma patients that these authors demonstrate; the book would be worth reading for that alone. For its analysis of structural dissociation and its recommendations for phased but flexible treatment it must truly be described as a landmark book."
--Journal of Analytical Psychology, September 2007

[Rain]

Welcome, Sandals!   

Well, you have had yourself quite a year, it seems.   

I am very glad you made your way here to the OOTS forum for support.    I'm sorry to hear of the 1-2-3 series of "punches" to your life right now, and clearly your kids are impacted also. 

You may have seen this in other intros, but you may also want to check out Pete Walker's web site www.pete-walker.com and his most excellent book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving.   His web site has free articles, many of excerpts from his book.   Myself and others use it as a roadmap to recovery, and it may help you understand CPTSD more fully.

We will be here for your Journey, as you share in ours.

[Sandals]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome, Rain. 

Yes, the kids.  That was the hardest part of the breakup for me - thinking of the impact on them - and XDH didn't seem to have any concerns. I could write a novel. They seem to be doing okay, much better than the challenges I had anticipated, but maybe those are still to come. They really are, first and foremost, the driving force to me needing to look deeply at this and go through the pain instead of going around it.

Thanks for the Pete Walker reco - I've read some of the articles at his site, but it's good to hear that his book is also a great one. I tend to go deep on the research side with any issue (reflex is that the more I understand, the better I can succeed), but you're right - it's important to stay action-oriented.

Thanks again, hope that we all can journey towards healing together. 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Sandals, and welcome here. I'm sorry to hear about your ex. What a callous a*****e. I wish you and your kids all the best, and I hope you'll heal soon.

I've got The Haunted Self in my bookshelf, but I only skimmed it so far. And you managed to read this while being highly traumatized? Respect. Maybe I'll give it another try...

[Sandals]

Hi BeHealthy - thanks for the warm welcome and encouragement. I'm sorry that we're both in this place together but grateful to have good company. And thank you for the kind comments on my kids...that really means a lot to me.

Hi cat - thank you for the welcome...I don't feel comfortable sharing the rest of the stuff online, but suffice it to say your diagnosis is spot-on. I hope you do give THS another try. To be honest, when it started to get overly academic, I skimmed...I don't see a huge benefit in understanding the X ways that one can be dissociated...but the meat of it is really, really good.

[Splendor in the Grass]

Hello Sandals, I like academic books, too. Sometimes self-help books underestimate us, so the books written for professionals have more and deeper information and insight. Too much is better than not enough!  In any event, I'm also new. This is my first day on the forum and I haven't even written my own intro yet. But I saw your post and wanted to offer immediate support.

[alovelycreature]

I'm sorry you've been having such a hard year. You seem very self-aware and it's wonderful you find strength in your children . Sending love and peace your way