Trigger alert. Lost the right to be a mother

[km_watts]

Due to self destructive behavior, I lost the right to be a mother not only once, but twice. My ex husband got full custody of the 3 children we had together ( B/G twins, who were taken from me at 5 months old in 2007, and a 8 year old daughter who was taken from me in 2013)  because I couldn't fight for them. I gave up like, they didn't matter to me. They live in another state and I have not had any contact with them, and have no way of contacting them. I miss them so much, but if I had a way of getting into contact with them, I would have to deal with my ex, and that is a major trigger for me. What kind of mother am I? Not going after my kids because I cant handle my ex? I now have a 15 month old girl, and I feel this is my chance to do things right, but I feel I am going to eff up again. I dont know what to do.

[Three Roses]

Dear km - keep posting here, keep reaching out, keep trying to find answers. It's hard, we understand. Dig deep. And know that where there's life, there's hope.

[Dee]

First!  The fact that you posted this about your kids show that you care. I have asked myself so many times "what kind of mother am I?" but I know I am a mother who does the best I can and I love my kids. 

Don't put pressure on yourself with your 15 month old.  One day at a time, it is the best any of can do.  Your heart is in the right place so go with it.  Just know if you are thinking of her first, then you are in the right direction.  You don't know what to do?  Just keep doing it.  We all make mistakes, it is okay. 

I have a 19 and 16 year old.  I always think I don't know how I did it, but somehow I did it right, not perfect, but right.

I agree, keep posting here.  Ask questions, share frustrations, and keep at it.

I believe that you writing this post speaks volumes about what kind of mother you are.