healingjourney journal

[healingjourney]

After quitting therapy I tried to call the therapist for closure and was ignored. It hurts to have shared as much as I did with the therapist and then be ignored. I think I should have been choosier when I chose my therapist. I researched some new therapists and will speak to them this week. I think that having a few people to chat with will allow me to screen these people and see what their true passions, personalities, styles, patience levels, flexibility are. I guess it was unrealistic to think my other T would be the best fit for me. I idealized T quite a bit when I read about T's profile and T offered me some good help for awhile but I guess I outgrew T or T got tired of me. While I find it extremely unprofessional for the T to drop communication with me, I accept that T is human and maybe did not believe that help was possible for me without triggering T. I am hoping that I am able to begin therapy with a more compassionate therapist without too much of a delay. I did kind of become reliant on the sessions as a calming influence in my life when they were going well, but there were certainly a lot of instances where I felt being talked down to, scolded, criticized, judged, made fun of, and abused, in retrospect. And as early as the first few sessions! I hope I am a better judge of character this time around. I keep feeling guilty like I'm a bad person for things not working out with the T. And I also feel defeated and sad like I failed. I'm trying my best to not take it personally.

[Three Roses]

Sounds more like it was your T who failed. Just because they've got a license to practice doesn't mean they're good at it.

You'll find a better fit, it's ok to be choosy   take your time to find the right one.

[Danaus plexippus]

So far, so good with my new T. He seems a lot more human than my last T. He seems more perceptive and responsive. I hope my first impressions aren't leading me astray.

[healingjourney]

Thanks for the support, Three Roses.

Glad to hear things are improved with your new T, D.P, and for the hope that this offers me.

I'm already feeling empowered by asking for help from the network of providers.

[healingjourney]

It's so unbelievably difficult to grapple with the mental health industry. It's an industry where money matters first, patients matter last, no calls are returned, no insurance is ever verifiable, and nobody anywhere is accountable. This is utterly unacceptable to me. These people are inferior morons- how am I to trust any of them. end rant

[Three Roses]

 

[healingjourney]

I found a new therapist 5 weeks ago. It's amazing how different our sessions are compared to the last therapist. While I certainly liked how my old therapist challenged me and gave me goals to accomplish, I felt chastised when I was unable to meet her expectations or when I expressed honest negativity. My new therapist practices a style of conversation based on the deficit theory. It really is a different style. She doesn't emphasize making me feel awful emotions and relive trauma like my last therapist but rather gets me talking and she talks about things in life that bother humans including herself and myself. She gives a lot more affirmation to emotions I'm feeling but asks me to relate some of that to my childhood experiences.

I think the greatest triumph that both therapists helped me achieve is loss of my eternal feeling of being a failure. I'm better able to see small positives as enough of an achievement in my day. And I'm able to right size my failures and realize they're not the end of the world.

[Three Roses]