continually needing validation

[Three Roses]

This has been a great thread to read! Each of us has had an invaluable insight to share, and has added something to the conversation. I'm grateful for each one of you. <3

Meursault - I always get a lot from your posts, just like everyone else's posts. You're not inappropriate, your comments are timely, gentle and insightful.

[Wife#2]

I'm a little late to this conversation, but felt compelled to respond. There isn't a hug emogi out there to cover how much I wish I could take all of you under my wing and just hold you all till the tears stopped.

I'm struggling a little right in this moment only because I so understand the pain each of you describes, the fear without that validation, the clicking the 'refresh' button, wondering if that last post just revealed what a selfish, whiney, self-indulgent spoiled baby I am. I want to cry so hard for the hurt that ANY of us would believe our stories to be any of these things. Yet, I'm at work, and nobody here would understand the tears. My boss is in the office next to me and was in a panic the last time I was in tears here. I'm usually the chipper, smiling, accommodating, hard-working one.

The defender-of-wrongs in me wants to go slap or shake the cruel people who could hurt any of you like that. I'll need someone else to slap or shake those who wronged/are wronging me - I haven't the strength or the nerve to defend myself. From them, I hide literally (NC with FOO) or emotionally (Husband). My journal is full of that struggle.

The validation-junkie (even my husband calls me this sometimes) in me certainly understands your first post. I am not as far down the road of self-awareness, work ethic and emotionally confronting myself as you are. I think it's incredibly courageous of you to post in the midst of your pain. That just seems so amazing to me! I am thankful as well - without your guidance and being willing to shine a light on that pain, I am fairly certain I and others here would not be doing as well as we're doing today.

There is so much more I would like to say, but I don't want to hijack the post - and work is busy today. I think my post will sound disjointed if I try to continue after having to put this to the side so often.

But, this one thing I do know to be true. You are brave to share your 'funerals' with us. You are ALSO brave to post the internal work regarding needing validation and the anger as well as the hurt that lurks beneath that. I'm not surprised that the anger took you deeper than you expected. It's a primal emotion, yet discouraged among families and/or friends. We're expected to disavow the anger, because we've never been taught better ways of coping with it. We're told to disregard the CAUSE of the anger, on behalf of familial peace. Going there, where the anger lives, is such a brave act, I'm in awe that you allowed yourself even to glimpse the entryway. Yes, you are brave on many fronts. I say this because it's true, not because of the name of the thread.

Thank you for allowing this glimpse inside you. Just knowing that others can and do feel this way provides a validation I can't even explain right now. Thank you again!

[woodsgnome]

I've batted this topic around since it first appeared, as it's very close to how I feel so often.

Feeling worthless to begin with, from all the suspect sources (cptsd writ large), I have to wonder how I ever managed to do, say, write, or get through a day, especially if it involved social interaction. Alas, in my now lonelier life I often don't interact with anyone at all, but even then it feels like I have to validate myself to myself. The inside narrator keeps at me to the point of my wanting to scream, but I 'know' I shouldn't, and fall into emotional freefall yet again.

This may get old, but that's no comfort; although it could be taken as just more self-pity leading to more need for validation, in a torturous cycle. But what's truly wrong with that? Self-pity/self-compassion ride next to each other. Somehow we bought into the notion that self-pity shouldn't be there; but then what's the use of self-compassion? See how I'm trying to self-validate, again? But if I throw the should/shouldn't game out the window, it makes better sense to me; the more out-of-the-box the more validating it feels, until finally one doesn't NEED the validation (at least as much).

It still depresses me to have to struggle so much and so hard with this. The bad news is that I feel stuck in feeling invalidated at every turn; the good that I'm still somehow able to notice, and in doing so perhaps it can turn out as good news. And then, poof!--the term "don't worry about it" will have been transcended, and left behind with all the other worries resting in their box of pain (making me feel liberated at being out-of-the-box).

Make sense? Okay, slipped into habit by asking, again...on and on, eh? Over the rainbow will have to suffice as the sign of hope. Somewhere.

[sanmagic7]

i want to respond to each of you.  you're all so precious to me.  i've been to a lot of support groups, both in person and online, and none of them have come close to what i've found here.  this is something extraordinarily special.

meursault:  i found your response touching, and felt your pain at believing that you deserved what happened to you, therefore it wasn't abuse.  in my mind, abuse is abuse, and abusive behavior is just that, no matter who you are or what you've done.  being treated badly for being human is never ok in my book.  and, that's just what you are, human, not a piece of garbage as some would have you believe.    thank you for taking the risk of posting here.  every post expands my ability to relate to others, therefore every post is valuable and needed.  it just makes me feel closer to everyone here, which, to me is ironic, because this is all taking place in cyberspace!

3roses:  that gratitude goes right back to you.  you've been a mainstay in my life since i began posting, and i've so appreciated that.  i also agree with you that the conversation here is way beyond what i ever expected.  but, i'm getting so much from everyone.

wife#2:  and, i am crying tears of joy snuggled under your wing.  thank you for that.  it means so much to be cared about.  i've been the one doing the 'hugging' all my life, and have only recently been able to allow some of that hugging from others.  honestly, tho i want to say it feels good, i still have a difficult time actually 'feeling' the good stuff, like love, kindness, and caring.  still working on that!   and, i would gladly go smack your tormentors upside the head for you!  my warrior woman would take them all on!  i'm glad that i've been able to provide validation, even when it wasn't my intent.  it warms my heart that you can get something positive out of my own 'gunk'.  i put it out here because, #1, this has been such a safe place, and #2, i'm at the point in my life where i'm running out of time.  it's now do or die time, and i'm not ready to die.  the only way for me to stop being so sick is to get the gunk out, release the demons that i've been holding so tightly to, and slay the monsters that have been keeping me so sick.  i feel like i've got nothing to lose anymore.  that makes it easier.

woodsgnome:  i have often lapsed into bouts of 'self-pity', and i'm not ashamed of that.  it always seemed to me that i deserved some kind of pity for what i've gone through, some kind of compassion, yes, for what i've survived, and if it wasn't coming from outside me, then, by gum, i'll provide it for myself.   if that's a form of self-validation, then more power to us!   we're the ones who know best what's best for us.    and, yes, actually, you've made perfect sense.  you've also validated something that i've thought for a long time, even though all around me, like you mentioned, i've heard terms like 'pity party'  when someone has needed to vent, feel sorry for oneself, or otherwise wallowed, even if just for a moment, in touching that place of pain within us that has needed to be touched in just the right way.   

thank you, all of you.  at times, when i've checked my posts and the responses, i've just become overwhelmed by all the goodness that i've seen there, and have had to take a break away from it.  too much good stuff!  but, truly appreciated, once i allow a little time to let it settle in.  this is great!

[sanmagic7]

i've noticed a change in my postings, especially responding to others.  different, shorter, not posting where i don't feel a connection (i was going to save he world, after all).  i've also noticed a difference in attitude about my postings/responses.  that obsessive need is gone.   it feels like i've been cleaning house, clearing out the dust and debris.  i feel cleaner and clearer.  i'm getting used to it as the days go by.  it's still a little strange.

[Wife#2]

That makes sense, San. Without the distractions that were cluttering up your psyche, you can move forward. Be more simple, straightforward, to the point. You can trust your BS meter and 'keep walking'. Your painful and difficult journey is beginning to reap benefits. Take time to celebrate this awakening. The real you is beginning to emerge, if she's not here with us already!