shame, anger, and rage (possible triggers)

[sanmagic7]

here is some information i researched when i was thinking of doing a workshop on understanding where rage comes from.  it helped me understand it, its intricacies, its causes, and its dynamics.

Shame is necessary for conscience, modesty, and morality.  It becomes a problem when it's covered over.

Shame can come from a sense of being weak, inadequate, powerless, helpless, impotent, humiliated, or incompetent

Shame is often masked by  anger, bravado, arrogance, and/or indifference.

Shame can become an obsessive preoccupation with what feels shameful.

In order to be free of shame, it must be expressed and discharged.  It is like a fungus - it can only grow in the dark, but withers and dies when brought into the light.

Anger is brief and instructive and is without shame.

Anger plus shame equals rage.

When anger has its source in feelings of rejection or inadequacy, and when those feelings aren't acknowledged, a continuous spiral of shame/anger may result.  At the end of this spiral is hatred and rage.

Rage is triggered by a perceived insult, and has its roots in feeling ashamed or afraid of being angry.


my ex-hub would go into a rage over things like dropping an ice cube on the floor or playing the wrong card during a game or not bowling a strike.  i didn't understand it at all.  so i began exploring the phenomenon.

i also discovered that there are two kinds of rage - red and black.  his red rage was apparent when he made a mistake of any kind, at home or at work, or even when we were engaged in something that was supposed to be fun  - it didn't matter.  at these times he would yell and throw or kick things.  it scared people.

but his black rage was evident when he thought he was being held to task for something he'd done, or when he thought he was being insulted.  when i'd confront him on something that was too close for his comfort, i saw his eyes go black.  once, not too long ago, we were at an airport on a moving walkway.  i was listening to him, and had my back to where the walkway ended.  it came upon me by surprise, and i stumbled, said to him 'why didn't you tell me we were at the end?'.  immediately, his eyes got black.  i knew what that meant  -  danger  - so i just kept walking, and he didn't say a word about it.  no acknowledgment, no apology.

perceived insults usually happened while he was driving.  if someone passed him on the wrong side, he would speed up and ride the person's bumper, putting all our lives in danger.  once, my daughter told me that he caught up to the driver at a stop sign, jumped out of the car, and stomped off to give the driver a piece of his mind.  the car was filled with four young men who did not look like good-little-boy types, and my daughter sat there quaking in fear.  again, black rage meant danger.

rage is a debilitating emotion, and we have too often had to endure it, and, if we were lucky, survive it.  too many times it served as a pattern to follow, or we were forced into feeling it because of our own situations and circumstances.  i don't know if this will help anyone, but it helped me, made things clearer for me, especially to know that i couldn't fix it for him.

but i was finally able to see it for the abuse it was, even though it was never overtly directed at me during 20 yrs. of marriage.  those warning looks of the black rage were enough.  i didn't realize it at the time, but i was scared of what he might do in those moments, and instinctively backed down.  however, in our household, it became akin to an everyday thing, and we all excused it or just let it go.

i finally did begin demanding that he quit driving and let me drive when he was out of control.  unfortunately, my daughters didn't have that option when he drove them to school or whatnot.  and, when i found out that he was still raging at home or in the car with them when i wasn't around, they begged me not to say anything.   i think now that they may have been scared that they would experience even worse ragings if i said something to him.  delayed realizations, indeed.

[Three Roses]

Wow, this is great! Thanks for sharing this, my friend

[sanmagic7]

   back to you.  and you're welcome.  it was scary, didn't know if it was appropriate here or not since i'm not an 'expert' in the field, or haven't written a book.  i do hope it helps, tho.