musings

[sanmagic7]

am stepping my toe back in after being completely overwhelmed.  too many emotional things were going on at the same time, from 9/11, to the undeniable knowledge of the truth of the u.s. political and world situation,  to my hub's upcoming retinal surgery next week, to my nc narc daughter's birthday tomorrow.  i got lost.

the time away proved helpful in re-defining who i am, who i want to be, as well as what i need to embrace for my life and what i need to eliminate.   my best friend, my husband, and i have all been very politically aware, and i've learned too many things now that i can't cope with on a day-to-day basis anymore.  i had to tell both of them that i would no longer talk about what's happening in the world for the sake of my own health and well-being.  my friend took it quite hard, as she's all alone, and relied on me to be able to explore these things with her.  i hate to disappoint her like this, but it has become too much for me now.

when 9/11 happened, i was newly here in mexico after running away from home, so to speak.  (actually, running for my life).  i have never felt so alone in my life.  i later learned that the borders were closed, and i couldn't have gotten back if i wanted to.  i didn't have the means to return, anyway, but i remember feeling that all i wanted to do was embrace my daughters to protect them from the horrors of the world.  now i realize that i hope they never bring children into this world because it's already too far gone.

because of being so sick, i won't be able to physically be there with my husband when he undergoes his surgery.  it's more than 100 mi. away, it's still too hot, i'm still too sick, and he told me he'd feel better knowing that i was at home with my routine than in another city without transportation or having to stay with his sister, who will be driving him home/here when he's released.  there are too many variables, and the stress of it would be too much for me.  hating to admit it, he's right.  something else i have to accept about who i am right now.

and, my beautiful daughter's birthday tomorrow brings nothing but sadness to my heart.  this will be the second time in her life i won't be wishing her a happy birthday.  i've experienced both the best of her and the worst of her, and the worst has overtaken anything positive that might have been. happy birthday, sweetheart.  *sobbing*.

i am a flower child who belongs in simpler times, and that is part of the reason i have so much difficulty coping with what i now know.  i am an earth mother who wants to cuddle everyone in pain together against my voluminous skirts.   i am complex yet singularly  low-tech.  i want to run, but i know i must stay.  there is still work to do.  thank you for allowing me to be me.

[meursault]

Sending you hugs and good intentions and hopes!

Don't really have much to say about most of it, but you work pretty hard on all this stuff.  Maybe you could find some way to make it a "vacation" from all that hard work and just treat yourself while your husband's away.  Maybe take some of the pressure off yourself for a few days. 

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

thank you dear meursault.  your suggestion fits the bill.  i will do some things for me while he is gone, and enjoy them.  taking the pressure off was what i was doing these past few days, just rearranging thoughts and perspectives, getting some ducks in a row.  more emotions are surfacing as i write this, but i don't think that's a bad thing.   they are resurgances of why i am here, why i am the way i am, why i made the choices i made.  they will get dealt with appropriately.

thank you for the hugs and hope - and back to you tenfold.  you are so appreciated, you don't even know.

[sanmagic7]

last night the realization overtook me that i was feeling pretty good.  it was a surprise.  i've been battling this nightmarish 8 months and it was pretty much 8 mos. to the day on the 22nd.  but it was like a curtain lifted  or maybe even a smothering blanket was whisked away, and i was able to see myself more clearly, and feel good about what i saw. 

what a revelation!  i was beginning to think all the emotional pain, instability, and feeling of being stuck in quicksand was going to last forever.  re-defining myself and being good with that has made so much difference to me.  it was like a release from some type of bondage i've been struggling against for so long. 

i can now see me as me, with no apologies, no continual attempts to conform, and no needs to 'fix' everything that crosses my path.  i can again let the world turn on its axis without constantly attempting to change its direction.  i used to believe it was my job.  i know now it's not.  and, i'm now happy to release those chains i kept a firm grasp of.  o the sweet freedom.

will this feeling last?  i don't know.  but, it feels good right now.  i thank the powers that be that i've lived long enough to enjoy this feeling even for a moment.  i think it may have been what i've been searching for my entire life without even knowing it. 

[movementforthebetter]

Wow, congrats! Enjoy the moment and your newfiund freedom! 

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, 3roses!  i love fireworks - they always make me smile.