Struggling

[Sandstone]

Im struggling at the moment with feeling bad for having minimal contact with my FOO. We usually see each other once twice a week as well as texts and calls. We all leave near each other.

For the last couple of months iv not bothered keeping in touch and only when i really have to. They know something is wrong. My uBPDm knows about my therapy and i have spoken to her about some issues so she probably has an idea why.  As for my uNPDd im thinking of telling him some things as to where i am at the moment.

I feel like everyone  (kids, bf) think I'm over reacting by keeping my distance. They are my parents after all.
Its just i struggle as im either p****d off with  them or i just get on with it. Feels like they are my only options.

It feels like im trying to punish them by being this way. Thats not what im trying to do. If i believe that the damage they have caused
me is bad parenting then i want to stay away from them cos im angry at them.

Then another part of me says surely it wasnt that bad and im being over dramatic as usual. Why after all these years of putting up with them would i change now?

It feels like they are just waiting for me to stop sulking and we can go back to normal

My dad has helped me out so much financially as an adult and i feel ungrateful for not being in contact like i used to be.

Has anyone else felt this way and how did you handle it?

[sanmagic7]

sandstone, i can't tell you the number of times i made a decision to take care of myself that someone else didn't agree with, and i wanted to go back and tell them 'i screwed up. it's not you, it's me. everything's ok. let's just get back to the way it is, i'll deal with it, everything's fine'.  in the beginning, i actually did go back and apologize, but i ended up feeling just as bad, if not worse, than i had originally.  little by little, as i stayed on my path of recovery, those feelings of wanting to 'fix it' or take care of their feelings tugged at me less and less. 

staying focused on doing what's best for me is what helped diminish those feelings.  getting support as i ran it past others helped me stay focused on doing what's best for me.  my friends who knew my situation helped me see more clearly what i was actually leaving behind, which helped clear my head of thinking 'it's not as bad as i think' or that 'i'm being overly sensitive' or 'too dramatic'.  one thing i've discovered as i continue to take care of me is that not only was it as bad as i originally thought, but oftentimes was even worse than i'd imagined. 

i'd like to encourage you to keep taking care of you in the way that's best for you.   guilt is a tough manipulation to shed, but that's exactly what it is, a manipulation.  as you keep moving forward to your own goals of health and well-being, that will become clearer, i'm thinking.   just my thoughts.

[Sandstone]

Thank you for your encouragement sanmagic its appreciated.
I said to myself if i knew these people in real life but weren't related to them, i would have nothing to do with. Then i reasoned but they are family amd they have stood by you with all your faults. Tho to be fair as an adult i havnt really caused them any trouble that i can recall.  So then i thought but if it affects your mental health being involved with these people then family or not i shouldn't be around them.

Ill just stay low contact until manage to move away. I saw 2 FOO this morning and even that was quite stressful.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Sandstone,

I said to myself if i knew these people in real life but weren't related to them, i would have nothing to do with. Then i reasoned but they are family amd they have stood by you with all your faults. Tho to be fair as an adult i havnt really caused them any trouble that i can recall.  So then i thought but if it affects your mental health being involved with these people then family or not i shouldn't be around them.

Oh boy, do I relate to this.
For me personally, I've come to realize that most of my 'faults' have actually been events THEY said it was a 'fault' to begin with, to which they added I was the fault itself.
I didn't do something 'faulty' (which we all do at times), no, I AM the fault itself.

I want to share a YouTube video with you of a guy who addresses this very issue boldly. So perhaps a trigger warning for boldness is required. Never mind his "go fund me" pleas. 
Especially from 3:40 this video applies to how you possibly are feeling (I surely feel like he describes in the year+ NC I'm in now), and from 4:33 he specifically talks about the "It wasn't that bad" formula we keep rehashing time after time. From 7:15 to 7:55 he drives the point home, eloquently in my opinion and experience.
Flying Into Glass: The Narcissist's Voice In Your Head

Well: It WAS that bad.
We can hardly belief it, admit it to ourselves.
Unfortunately, those who have not experienced it themselves have an even harder time to admit it was that bad. Because it all sounds crazy. And it is. But it's not WE who are crazy, it's our abusers who are, and who created the crazy dynamic which exists and is perpetuated to this day. Unless we stop it, and more often than not LC, Medium Chill, GrayRock or NC are the only viable options to end it.



 

[Sandstone]

I will take a look at your link thank you DU. Can you tell me what grey rock is please?

[movementforthebetter]

Hi Sandstone, I am here to tell you that you are certainly not alone. I am also in this situation. I have been very low contact or no contact with my family for years.

I unintentionally went NC with my stepmother a few years ago and it has stayed that way. I could not process the emotions that arose nor summon the energy to deal with her, and didn't know about boundaries so I was depressed for weeks at a time after speaking to her. Nor did I know how to adress any of this with her.

With my mother, she was my main abuser. I have been through grooming and abuse with her my whole life, made worse by standing up for myself. This year there has been more hoovering than usual, but I have held fast in having no contact while I am still in therapy.

My mother gave me monetary gifts which I really appreciated but now I think it was hoovering and wrong for me to accept. This has worsened my emotional state as now I feel I owe her...

I don't talk to many people about it. I say "we aren't close" and "communication is a two-way street".

Last time I saw her I used medium chill on her without knowing what I was doing. It became the natural evolution in our relationship. And I see now it's the only way to deal with her. I will reopen communication with my family on my terms, and those terms are that they get only surface details of my life and only low-investment responses in return.

It took supportive friends, therapy, and this forum to be ok with that. This forum anf OOTF have helped the most.

Goodnluck and hold firm, you know in your heart what's right. 

[Dutch Uncle]

I will take a look at your link thank you DU. Can you tell me what grey rock is please?

http://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

I chose the words Gray Rock because I needed an object for us to channel when we are in an emotionally charged situation. You don't just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don't remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won't even notice you were there. The stranger in the sushi bar showed great insight when he advised me to "be boring." He struck at the heart of the psychopath's motivation: to avoid boredom.

[Sandstone]

Thank you both for understanding   
This is going to be interesting as iv not distanced before. Well i have but only short term before. Also i think i have used gray rock before without knowing.  Seems iv instinctively done these things in the past albeit for short periods.
TRIGGER**
They have gotten better as iv got older i suppose or is it iv got more control. Funny thing iv never placed before os my M when iv been doing well or at certain times she does something to mess things up. Years ago i said to her ' what would usay if i told you id been abused?' Her first answer was 'id say you were lying!' I was devastated,  she then said she was only joking!  Anyway after i told her she then got drunk and told my brothers friend (in front of my brother) after trying to sleep with him!
When i first started my periods, her and her second husband decided i must have had s*x so took me for a virginity test. When the doc confirmed i was still intact (i was 14)  they said i should have been tested by the police as they are more thorough.
She has done so many things that have really hurt me through the years hence i struggle to trust women.

F is more controlling and i think he has used money to do that a lot of the time.  He has no time emotionally for us and now i look properly i realise he never has. He bails us out financially and M gets off on the drama. Then in the mix is my chronic alcoholic brother and its been fun and games for years with me always trying to fix things. Im the parent.
Now i actually feel like iv been their plaything,  puppett all these yrs.

Anyway thanks for your advice and for listening.

[2Spirits]

So sorry to hear your struggle - and yes, I can relate to it.
Personally it became easier for me when I did something for me, not against my FOO. So whatever I do, i try to do it for me, having a valid reason. And yes, my feelings count as valid. This year I decided that the second half of my life begins, and this half is for me. When it feels good to be with my FOO, I will gladly join them.
Would it change anything for you if you did it for yourself?

A

[Sandstone]

Hi 2Spirits

Thank you for helping me to look at it from another angle. Yes i am doin things for me now. Iv started a short college course and haven't told my FOO. I too am about my healing now.
Only thing now is my Stepd and uBPDm have become very ill. Weird how its happened since i went NC. I knew it would happen. M has copd she stopped smoking 8 months ago but atm she is really struggling for breath, i reckon she has started smoking again since i called her out on past abuse. It would be something she would do. I have to remember thats not my fault if shes started again.

Of course as im still not getting involved,  im looking quite heartless. Cant win.

[tea-the-artist]

i know the feeling of feeling heartless sandstone! it's hard to make decisions that will benefit you but "come off" as insensitive to others, particularly those who hurt you. even though i'm struggling to move out from my abusive FOO's house, i'm wishing you the best! that feeling heartless is not your fault.

[Sandstone]

Aw thank you tea, yes it is hard coming off as not caring but youre right its best for me right now.
Im really sorry you are still struggling with your FOO at present and i hope being here helps a little as it does for me. 

[sanmagic7]

i ran away from home when i was 53 to come to mexico to heal.   i ran for my life, yet people were so mad at me even when i explained what was going on.  like i was abandoning them, even tho everyone was an adult.  taking care of yourself is breaking the cycle of abuse you were raised in, were taught to believe in.  of course it feels heartless - you're finally doing what's best for you instead of for everyone else.  you're taking back your heart for yourself, where it truly belongs, and that means it's not available to them to shred anymore.