Rose's Recovery Journal - Starting Recovery Again

[rosemarie]

So here I go again, the ups and downs of recovery can be exhausting. 2016 was a year full of them. I survived three more malignant narcissists and I'm finding myself triggered and depleted again and in need of some more recovery and understanding and connection. Luckily, it seems like although I get hopeless at times, I can see how each time around it gets a little bit easier to pick myself back up again and I spend a little or a lot less time entrenched in codependent relationships, in other words, I see the signs and escape a lot more quickly than before, even if it keeps happening. At this point, ten years into therapy of all kinds, I can say that my inner critic is much much smaller and has a lot less influence. Even when I regress it seems like it isn't as strong and it doesn't last as long. I'm also seeing the pattern of how I repeat the trauma. Not to blame myself for the abuse but there is a distinct pattern there. I also see how getting stuck as a 'freeze-fawn' hybrid subtype in these relationships I just fall right back into it and dissociate and go into care-taking overdrive like autopilot. And the substance abuse pattern holy-moly. I've pretty much been dating drug dealers to keep a constant supply to deal with the fallout of their abuse (my father, original abuser, was one). It's kind of astounding to see that the same thing, down to the oddest details keeps happening again, despite my ever growing sense of self and awareness.

My biggest concerns and goals right now are 1) how do I keep myself safe when I regress into 'freeze' mode and dissociation pretty much immediately 2) how do I STOP the codependency thing? I really can't handle it anymore and I have to end this cycle and 3) how do I overcome learned helplessness and be stable enough to support myself?

I'm almost 30 and it's hitting me that I'm still really not functioning well with the CPTSD regressions and outbreaks. And regardless of massive efforts towards awareness and education I seem to fall right into abusive and unbalanced relationships over and over again. The level of awareness I have about my trauma, how it affected me, and where I am at now is getting pretty realistic. I mean, I can finally see where I really am at, which isn't great or ideal at all, and tbh how * up I am. It's pretty hard to admit just how much of a poorly adjusted adult trauma has left me as but I guess the up-side is that I have to be able to see it to heal it.  Still sometimes I feel like: and sometimes I get so hopeless I downward spiral.

Right now I'm really realizing how I would rather die than ask for something I need. Right now, for example, I just need to ask my mom for money for gas, and most likely she will say yes, but I feel so much panic about it I just freeze instead and stay in my room. Or, alternately, just do the dishes and make everyone dinner and be perfect again until I'm exhausted, and hope she just offers me money for being a good child. I just want to be invisible, still!

[Three Roses]

Hi - I'm still having a hard time with language, sorry, so if I sound curt or "off" I apologize in advance.

Something occurred to me earlier but I decided against commenting, but now I've changed my mind. I also have repeated patterns of dysfunction over the years, and found myself back in uncomfortably familiar situations over & over. But, I've really started getting into Al Anon and that's helping me a lot.

Also, I've learned that it's common for us to repeat patterns, and there's even a term for it: the "repetition compulsion". I thought maybe you would find this interesting - https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201603/why-do-we-repeat-the-past-in-our-relationships

Also modified your post a little, changed "f*ed" to just * - the forum has a filter to catch most swearing so just type the word and the forum will alter it.  Rules on swearing are: either use a button mash (*/#! $$#) or just let the filter catch it.

Thanks!  Good to hear from you again. I admire your perseverence.

[rosemarie]

Trigger warning: abuse

Oops sorry about the cursing I thought I was modifying it. I'm so angry those words are just spilling out so I'm glad you pointed it out for that reason too, cause I tend not to notice. I get the language thing I struggle with it at various levels at various times. For me writing is somehow a lot easier than speaking.

Good article, thanks. What's super trippy is being aware that I'm compulsively repeating the trauma at this point. I really do think I am addicted to it and I've learned about how this works physiologically. I've been drawn to Al Anon lately maybe I'll try and get to a meeting this week. I worry though about the self depreciating aspects of 12 step programs because I'm already so prone to shaming myself. But anyways, yeah, in this recent relationship I went into it like a revenge mission cause the person has already really hurt a friend of mine he dated before me. I actually thought maybe I could get the better of a narcissist. Now that seems ridiculous, as I'm pretty sure no one can. I think it was also self destructive. At the time I was getting out of an abusive friendship that I didn't consciously choose and feeling like I had no control over this happening again. So I guess this time I thought maybe I could control it. But from the first time I was with him he already had total control. In no way was I able to 'alter the outcome.' They are too good at manipulation and I have remorse for treating someone badly that keeps me from doing it or leads me to endless apologies and shame, which he just used against me any time my outer critic would lash out when I was triggered and/or in a flashback. I found myself doing the 'look how perfect and good I can be' act again and I totally lost my sense of self. It was really intense, he even looked like my father at times, had the same mannerisms, hobbies, skills, interests, addictions, even cats for goodness sake. And I would just get frozen and stuck there watching myself compulsively repeating what I remember happening in the past. I'm not even sure how many times I escaped it, could have been a dozen or more in three months. At some point when he wasn't paying attention this voice would be like 'run' you can get out of here. And I would sneak away and go back home to my mom's house and hide in my room and barely interact with anyone. Until I couldn't bear to be away from him anymore and I would text him. Usually saying how upset I was for how he treated me and then somehow end up apologizing for getting upset and go back. I mean he often would beg me to come back and use fake apologies or pretend to care. And it was definitely fueled by boredom, but thankfully lately I'm just enjoying the peace of being away from him more than the chaos.

Trouble is I've been through my trauma narrative and done the grieving thing so much and I'm worried it's ineffective to keep going back but to have a new therapist means doing it all over again, even doing a 12 step program means going into it again. And I don't think it's serving me any more just fueling re-traumatization and obsession. Not to mention how hard it is to find a therapist or even get a call back they are so busy here, let alone one competent enough. I'm really hoping this lady with a lot of experience I found will call me back.

(trigger warning here, sexual abuse) I did have some big insights after I left him, especially about an earlier breakthrough I had in previous trauma treatment where I realized a lot of my shame comes from how I believed I wanted my father to sexually abuse me. I had to relive the feeling in a very long flashback that went on and on and it was horrible. I hadn't really discovered why I thought I wanted it or how he got me to feel that way, but in this recent trauma my bf would withhold affection all day and barely even touch me or say anything kind and by the time we went to bed, which he would drag out and out to make it worse and mess with my sleep, I was so starving for it that I would let him do pretty much anything at that point and just end up frozen or even participate against my mind screaming no. I think it's protective to feel like it's my fault. And he knows I can't say no very much that I'm terrified to and was exploiting this. I would push him away until I eventually complied. Then I feel like it's my fault and I wanted it. The night before I left I told him no a lot when he was kissing me and holding me down and he didn't listen. I think this was the wake up call, like, "look, you are being clear and he's still violating you." And then him saying the next day that never happened or he just really wanted to kiss me and was drunk, or whatever manipulative nonsense he thought would work was shocking enough to stay away this time.

Yikes, it hard to see this all written out it feels so much more real. I've been feeling like it didn't really happened, like it was all a bad dream which tells me how dissociated I was/am.

[sanmagic7]

what courage you showed in writing it out and allowing it to be what it really was.  kudos to you, rose.   it shows a lot of guts.

i read somewhere that we have neuropeptides that are released by the brain to the cells all over our bodies.  when we have neg. experiences, those cells form little nodules to grab onto the neuropeptides that are neg.  same with pos. messages, of course, but for someone who has had repeated trauma, the neg. messages far outnumber the pos. messages, so that the neg. nodules far outnumber the pos. nodules.

this is one theory as to why we keep repeating neg. behaviors - those neg. nodules want to be 'fed' so to speak, with neg. experiences.  (i can't remember the name of the woman who wrote a book explaining this. she did experiments to show how it works).  the way we can turn this around is to be very mindful of providing ourselves with as many pos. experiences, including self-care, self-talk, etc., so that more pos. nodules are formed, and the neg. nodules are starved out of existence. 

therefore, when we crave returning to a neg. experience/relationship, it's those nodules that are demanding to be fed.   the more we can stay aware and mindful of this, the more we can resist feeding them.  it's like refusing to feed a bunch of soul-sucking monsters once you realize they're there and what they've been doing to you.  but, their siren songs are powerful, so we must be on the lookout as to what is happening when that urge to text him back with apologies, etc. rears it's ugly head. 

it's been so eye-opening to me how much our bodies and minds are connected, and in how many ways.  i believe it's why we don't understand why we're repeating these neg. behaviors, even when we know they're going to hurt us.  3 roses uses the term 'amygdala hijacking' to refer to how our minds can create instances of being emotionally out of control.   there is so much that hasn't been known about this connection in the past. 

as far as an al-anon group, like all support groups, each one has its own personality.  if it's possible, you can try one, and if it's not to your liking, find another.   i think it would be a good way to promote pos. neuropeptide messages and nodules.   (maybe they're not nodules, maybe they're receptors.  i'm not sure.)  whatever you choose, i hope you can realize that some of our behaviors originate because of how our brains have been wired through abuse and trauma, but also that they can be turned around.  best to you with this.  hugs.

[rosemarie]

Trigger warning: sexual abuse and sex issues

Yeah, thanks for the info, I've read about that before. I'm hyper-aware of most research and logical information and biochemistry and physiology of trauma and its effects on my brain development and symptoms and patterns. I'm also repeating these behaviors with the awareness that I'm doing it, like I know it's because of what I went through and I know I'm doing it again or going back to abuse. Maybe I'm using this to continue shaming myself to hit those receptors? Cause I let go of a lot of shame about past trauma, maybe I need new ones to keep getting there?  I'm more on the over informed over rationalization end of the spectrum. The problem is knowing I'm doing it and why just isn't enough to stop me from doing it again. That's what I'm not sure how to tackle. I think the issue is still the little part of me that thinks I can change the outcome. The part that wants to have control over what happened when I was helpless. But I also knew this was futile and did it anyways. My amygdala definitely ends up hijacking the whole thing when I'm triggered enough. I'm addicted to adrenaline, and dopamine, and histamine, all of the stress response hormones and what's happening biochemically when I'm in these situations. It's out of control and I just want it to stop and I can't figure out how. Knowledge isn't enough. Pete Walker talks about this being an issue with flight types, that we over rationalize things to keep avoiding the feelings and thats probably what I'm doing plus the severe abuse I survived trained me to be addicted.

[sanmagic7]

rose, you're an inspiration.  i so admire your courage in looking at, admitting, acknowledging, and finally owning what's going on with you.  i find it amazing, myself, what comes out if i keep writing enough.  kudos to you, rose, for allowing yourself to do this and not running from it.  what an accomplishment.

sending you a dozen virtual roses in honor of this for you.  you have turned a mighty corner.  well done.  big hug.

[rosemarie]

Thanks sanmagic that's so nice. It's funny what you can figure out when you ask yourself questions. I also realized today I'm repeating the trauma because if I choose someone who is abusive, I can't have real intimacy with that person and that's what I'm terrified of. I've gone for others I'm attracted to who I think are 'nice' or healthy choices and always ended up being rejected and hurt. With the narcissist true intimacy isn't even possible and even though I always end up disappointed with this and the abuse is also hurtful, I'm so conditioned to it it doesn't terrify me nearly as much as developing a true bond with someone and finally feeling the closeness I'm desperate for and then being abandoned. That's somehow so much more painful!

[sanmagic7]

give yourself time, rose.  you just had a huge realization, and it's ok to go slow with this.  baby steps, one at a time.   i think that when we begin looking for what we really want, it can be really scary cuz it's the unknown.   we have to learn so much when we really hadn't had much experience with it.  learning takes time.    be patient with yourself.  it'll come.  you're moving in a pos. direction, and that's where pos. experiences and relationships are found.  yay for you!

[rosemarie]

Thanks, yeah the insights just keep hitting me one after another and it was getting really triggering but I've luckily developed a veritable arsenal of practices to deal with it over the years. I guess that's something positive when I'm in a regression and I feel like nothing I've ever done has ever helped and I'm back to square one. I'm not. Today I woke up with massive chest pain and decided I need to start up the old self care practices again. Because now that I'm away from him and I have so much free time the insights and the awareness of what happened, including flashbacks and all the emotions that got repressed during the last six months of dissociation, being manipulated, that tricky thing my brain does where it just forgets all the bad stuff to keep moving on, and substance abuse they are just pouring in.

I really wanted to call him last night, I was watching myself do the thing where my mind starts idealizing, seeing all the good parts and blocking out all the abuse. And I know I'm going through withdrawal so I texted a couple of really supportive friends like HELP remind why not to call him because I'm having oxytocin amnesia (haha), and luckily they were available. Then I wrote a list of all the horrible and cruel things he did that I could remember, which of course unleashed a flood of memories and more realizations, but it sure helped me not want to talk to him. It also inspired me to pick up my copy of Shahida Arabi's awesome book "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare," and, of course, it was still bookmarked to the perfect page on maintaining no contact from the last time I used it. Many more painful realizations later, I had a dance party to "I've got the power!" in my pajamas and it felt amazing to move some of the anger, disgust, and horror that comes along with realizing what he did to me. Luckily I feel those things about him and not myself this time (MAJOR PROGRESS).

This morning I started reading this book "Vagina" by Naomi Wolf. I had realized a major source of my shame about sexual abuse the other day: at the time I felt like I could only have sexual arousal from abuse or rape situations. I just let myself feel it, knowing somewhere in me it might not be 100% true but it needed to be expressed and felt and loved and grieved, and it was rough but I had a good cry (sometimes very hard for me to feel anything or express the emotion). The book is about the research on the complex connection between a woman's entire reproductive system and the brain and it's a feminist viewpoint. After that I wrote about four whole pages in my journal starting with with sentence "It's not my fault that..." and that was really empowering. I want to stop finding ways to make what happened to me my fault, no matter how many times I've repeated a trauma abuse is never my fault. My mind sure likes to find a new way to make it my fault, though.  It's the result of a sick society and a sick individual taking advantage of me and my body to repress me and I just can't let them win. Sometimes that's the only thing keeps me going, they can't defeat me, they can't take my whole life from me, I just can't give up. Luckily, I'm stubborn. Thinking about reworking the journal into a written piece and posting here or maybe even starting to publish some of my work. I have a voice as a writer and a lot to say, especially about trauma, abuse, and oppression and it's empowering to use it to help others. Or to just create something, period, because this illness can sure rob me of my creativity and joy at times and that's what the people who caused it wanted to do. Keep me in a monotonous cycle of pleasing them and filling their needs and engaged in activities that repress my spirit and individuality. Can't let that happen either!

After practicing iRest yoga Nidra, a walk, and a simple physical yoga video my nervous system is finally relaxed and I'm grounded and I just feel so grateful I got away from him and I get to live and be free and do the things I enjoy now. Even though yesterday I felt like I couldn't get out of bed and my whole body hurt, today I have hope again. Nothing is permanent. 

[rosemarie]

Trigger warning, sex
Holy insights from my holy nervous system.

Made a post today about some of my insights today and some excerpts from the book ("Vagina" by Naomi Watts) I've been reading about women's sexuality and it's physiology. (linked here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=5615.msg35247#new). I'm still feeling the need to process s I will journal about it here. I'm realizing another reason why I regressed and repeated trauma which I've kind of also understood all along. Before I was with this abuser I had a really sex positive experience that released a lot of trauma from my body, specifically, I had an experience just as she describes tantric sex therapists can induce from vaginal massage. The partner I was with was definitely practicing that and I could feel knots unwinding, it was more like a massage at times than a sexual experience and unlike anything else. It was, sadly, maybe the only positive sex experience I have had besides one other and it was completely transcendent. I had a huge emotional release and was sobbing and grieving and feeling rage and so many other things. I was a beautiful mess. Just like she describes about the research in the book, that experience led me to a creative outpouring, joy, and a new satisfaction with life in general that I had never experienced before. Everything was vivid and mystical, the world around me was even sparkling. I had never felt so loved or cared for in my life.

Unfortunately, due to circumstances it was only a one time experience (of true love and sexual fulfillment, selflessness, generosity, and connection) and as soon as I had found it, it was gone and my abandonment depression kicked in, HARD. My ego was so shattered, and I ran straight in to the last relationship with a man who is extremely selfish, egomaniacal, abusive, and wanted more than anything to steal my inner light and oppress me. I knew it was because I was heartbroken at the time but it was so self destructive. And no wonder. After a lifetime of having my light put out my poor little ego was so confused by a good experience and then abandonment that it was seeking confirmation of the past. But after having that experience I was so altered in body and consciousness I couldn't maintain the abusive relationship and it was more painful than it's ever been in past incarnations. It's like my subconscious needed relief, albeit through the 'comfort' of the old pain it was used to, from the extreme confusion it experienced on such a deep level about what was actually so wrong about all my past trauma, relationships, and sexual experiences. The book helped me realize it, that those experiences were robbing me of my "confidence, courage, connection, and joy" in life. That modern feminism kind of made it criminal to need a partner (especially a man) but that need is fundamentally wired into women's bodies and sexuality and it's my right to feel it. I found myself sobbing this morning a sort of grief-relief. Just pouring out all the shame about wanting real human connection and pleasure from life. That I had been taught this was shameful and I could take the power back now.

I feel a renewed sense of purpose. It actually feels like another layer of the spiritual awakening that I first experienced a couple of years ago has unfolded. The sobbing was a kind of bliss like I understood everything about my healing journey that I need to know, about my purpose in life, about my contribution to the world, and most importantly about reclaiming my personal power through my sexuality. The focus on the trauma itself feels diminished. As I wrote in the other post, my sexuality and pleasure and satisfaction are fundamental to my joy and creativity in life and they are my birthright. I now feel that my healing journey is not so much about the specific trauma I survived as the withholding of this right and it's restoration. I'm feeling alive again.

[rosemarie]

Wow, having revelations about how the narc BF really had me convinced that it was my fault he was abusing me. He was priming me for this from the beginning. Today I remembered how he would say when I was first dating him something like "you shouldn't be around me, I feel really unstable like my anger could just explode and I don't want you to get hurt." That is just sooo manipulative on so many levels. First off, it triggered my CPTSD and kept me in a constant state of fear of him, and this sent me into a dissociative state where I was much easy to kidnap and keep under control. And then down the line it set me up mentally to believe that I actually chose the abuse. He also did this thing after asking me to be his GF, where the next day, oh he can't move that fast he's emotionally unavailable, and then the day after, magically he's emotionally available again. The set up for withholding affection and other psychological abuse. And oh, he told me ahead of time so it's my fault. I DONT THINK SO!

It's taken me just 19 days to unravel this and I'm feeling super proud of myself. In that short period of time since I've left him I think I'm recovering my sense of self and my health pretty rapidly. My body has healed, my mind is healing. I'm taking really good care of myself again practicing yoga and meditation, going for hikes or walks every day, feeding myself well, and trying my best to have self compassion for what I've been though. The only silver lining to having gone through this kind of abuse so many times is I know what to do to care for myself and I already made all of the behavior changes to facilitate that in the past, so I know I can do those things and they are imprinted in my neurology. I'm aware of the resources I need and how to find new ones. That's what gets easier. In the past I have gone into a deep downward spiral of severe depression and other CPTSD symptoms after abusive breakups where I just disappear for months and use unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive the day to day. This time I could only engage those behaviors for maybe a week or so, until I went back to my better tools and am feeling super grateful for the will and perseverance and strength and community it took to cultivate these.

[sanmagic7]

you rock!  what progress!  i'm so happy for you.  big hug.

[rosemarie]

Thanks san magic!

Today I feel tired but also especially empowered and hopeful! I had been asking my higher power for help, specifically, where can I find someone who has been through what I have and can give me a program on how to get through it and start moving forward with my life. Then of course, I got what I like to call a big "god/dess wink" and I found the exact answer to my request through a video that just randomly played itself on youtube after another one I was watching had ended. I liked the woman and went to her website and lo and behold that's exactly what she does: she has free, low cost, and higher cost personal coaching sessions for survivors of narcissistic abuse to help empower themselves and live their dreams. In her free three part series I already got through to the second video and what stood out was this mantra: "I now take 100% responsibility for my life" and as soon as I said it out loud I felt like all my power just came rushing right back to me. She was talking about how she was mired in blame of how the narcopaths had caused this and that in her life and that kept her feeding the doubts they had sown in her mind and mired in learned helplessness. Something just really clicked for me there. I have to take responsibility for not letting those doubts run my life, stop watering those seeds, pull the weeds out of the garden, turn the soil, and plant new ones or nurture the ones that are helpful. Going 'no contact' with all the crazy makers isn't actually enough, it helps because one can start seeing whats real and where all the distortion came from and start untangling the web, but I also have to go 'no contact' with the doubts and fears they placed in me. I mean those things will keep coming up as they are triggered, but I realized how I give my power away when I feed them. It's important to stay compassionate with myself about this process but I need to stand up for myself and say NO to the doubt demons in my mind if I want to move forward.

I then gained an insight about how these NPD people keep getting in. It's because I'm not creating boundaries when I see red flags. Yes, I was trained to ignore them by abusive people. However, I have to stop doing this and choose to trust my own intuition, because it was my choice not to fully do so that let them in the front door to abuse me. I don't blame myself for abuse, of course, but I take responsibility for this choice to ignore the red flags. I could keep staying in blame running my old scripts of "it's their fault I can't have boundaries, I never learned how, I am a doormat, no one will respect me, I am a pushover." But then, what I'm doing is exactly what NPDs want, mistrusting myself, and once they get in the door it's pretty hard to get rid of them. One of the research findings the author described in that book, "Vagina" I've been reading is how one neurologist found he could literally 'push over' sexual abuse and rape victims more easily in a certain test. Something had happened in the mind that caused them to loose their actual footing and groundedness more easily than the other women. But what he also said was that once he told them to 'push back' or 'resist' they stood their ground.This kind of showed me that it's possible, to reverse this unconscious pushover effect with the power of my own will. It takes practice, of course. But I already feel so much more in control of my own life...

Here is a link to that abuse recovery coach's website in case anyone is interested. You get the free program by signing up at the bottom of the page.
https://innerintegration.mykajabi.com/

She's also got a great youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrNg_13PdqKAZRPqyclRq1g/videos

I'm still healing, still exhausted and dealing with symptoms, but I know from past experience when I am empowered my life becomes wonderful and I'm able to make it meaningful and do the work I feel like I'm here to do, and enjoy it, and be creative, and have joy.

[rosemarie]

Big insights this morning. I'm coming out of one long emotional flashback that was just like a flood of all the cruel things my mother has done. And it's so exhausting but it's essential to acknowledge what the truth. I just kind of felt somewhere inside me this voice say, 'now don't get stuck in this.' The emotional intensity and purge is hard. It's hard to feel like just waking up from the fog of disillusionment my mind created to save myself from this much abandonment and other pain. I just felt like I need to take back the power and control over my life now. To come to be able to manage my own thoughts, feelings, and, thereby choices/actions, in a healthy and appropriate way without just avoiding and repressing again. It's been hard not to go back into avoidance and denial, and at the same time to not get so carried away by amygdala hijacking that I lose my sanity and ability to get out of this helplessness trap.

I asked to universe to get me out of this helplessness trap a few weeks ago, and boy did it answer. I'm super grateful for that and feeling like I can see things so clearly now, and knowing it's because I chose to do this. I chose to stop avoiding the truth and open the wounds and let the light of awareness in so I can get through all this past and present suffering and move forward. The answers aren't easy but they are actually simple. I have to choose to stop giving away my power to people who want to control me. It wasn't so easy to recognize these people, especially when they are parents. And it really is about my self esteem. They did train me to place all my worth and needs in their hands so they could control my life. If I give someone the power of external validation then I lose my ability to provide for my own validation and needs and I engage in this illusion that I am helpless. I'm not saying that abusive people aren't really really good at setting this trap. At flatter-bombing you until you can't see straight. But what they did to me was prey on my starvation for the love, approval, protection, and support of my parents. My parents were and are very sick people who abused the * out of me. But at the end of the day, I can see that it's really they who are the delusional ones. In thinking they are good parents still. Because they always will think this. I decide to see them as weak instead of powerful because all they really did was control me with mind games. Mind games I can end simply by taking back responsibility for my own mind and person. I see my own pattern where I was drawn to these types of people again and again for the flattery they offer. I see how their shallow flattery drew me in and made me feel special, and how I was craving that so much I kept putting my self worth and needs in right in the hands of people who are super sick and disordered and wanted to feel powerful by taking all my needs and only giving them back in little crumbs to keep me starving so they could feel less empty and feed off my gifts, talents, and love like parasites. At it's core abuse is parasitic mind control. I don't have to place my needs in the hands of anyone else anymore, even healthy people, because I'm an adult now and not that little girl who needs her parents to survive. I don't have to be so trusting and polite and just allow creepy people to violate my boundaries. It's not that bad stuff can't happen where I have no control over it still, but I have to do the best I can be autonomous and take care of myself and choose to walk away from these shallow manipulative people and give myself what I need. It takes overcoming the doubts they put in my head, it takes unwinding all the cognitive dissonance, it takes feeling the painful emotions of being taken advantage of again and again by icky people, it takes saying no, it takes standing up for myself when I feel frozen, it takes a lot of courage and self love. But there are also good people out there who haven't taken advantage of me and believed in me when I couldn't do it for myself or didn't even know that I wasn't, it takes a lot to change the patterns of my mind and body and how it reacts to the world around and within it. But I just can't live in the hands of malicious and unhealthy people anymore and it's my right not to. And the only way is taking back responsibility for my life and refusing to give it away anymore.

[sanmagic7]

self-empowerment truly is magnificent, isn't it.  we do deserve to keep our responsibility for ourselves in our own hands and minds.  that's the only way to keep the leeches from bleeding us dry, whether through actual or mental games.

that's something i'm working on right now - not allowing myself to stay in those obsessive loops of thinking about those others.  they're really not worth any of my time and energy anymore.  they will be taken care of in some way, but it's not my job now. 

keep up the good work, rose.  well done.  big hug!