Newbie

[dianamj]

I have known for a long time that I have CPTSD but had it confirmed by a psychiatrist recently.
24 years ago I stopped drinking ( my way of coping with what I called my crazies) and entered an ongoing addiction treatment program  that I still attend today.
I used to have horrible anxiety attacks, panic attacks, nightmares and times of freezing up. I would just tighten my tummy and go numb.
Then I attended therapy for 3 years. I learned tools for managing anxiety and panic and went on a small amount of anxiety medication and an antidepressant.

I had to practice those tools regularly but I was finally able to function (reasonably well) in society, get a career and stay sober. For 15 years I had only minor emotional  setbacks and the occasional nighmare or anxiety attack.

3 years ago my partner whom I have been with for 23 years, got cancer. I was able to go through the whole process with her and support and care for her.
When she was 2 years cancer free I began having flashbacks again. First emotional and then what I call "flicker flashes". Bits and pieces of memories from childhood and adolescence.
Anxiety levels skyrocketed and led into panic attacks nightmares and worse.

I went back on my antianxiety med and started seeing a counselor and psychiatrist 6 months ago.

My partner has recently been diagnosed with a "progressive dementia". So she cannot remember that I have this disorder at times and can't be very supportive.
My youngest daughter listens and, having experienced anxiety attacks as a teen, is quite supportive.

I dread the next 'bout' which usually starts if I am in a situation of conflict or hostility.
Does anyone else suddenly feel they are a scared little kid?
I know I was abused as a child and also involved in a terrible accident ... and some other very serious trauma.

Sorry to rattle on so long. My psychiatrist recommended this site so I can connect with others like me. I am 59 years old, have 2 married daughters and live in Canada.
Thanks for your patience!   Di

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Di! I'm glad to hear that professionals know about this forum and are recommending it. It's been a great comfort to me. I'm also 59, married, supportive partner with his own troubles.

I was diagnosed with ptsd about 4 years ago but only since finding this forum have I pursued therapy. I found out about complex ptsd thru this forum, and identify strongly with having it.

It sounds like you are describing being triggered by confrontation and then having an emotional flashback. Yes, this is something we talk a lot about! Getting comfortable talking with the children who still live within us, and managing social anxiety and conflict are frequent topics of conversation. Here's a link to some posts about our IC's - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=60.0

Glad you are here, and thanks for joining. 

[Dee]

Welcome!  I am also glad to hear this was recommended by a professional. 

Yes, sometimes I feel like a scared little kid.  I have also been able to realize the more stress in my life the more nightmares I have.  I have had some years of mostly peace only to spiral out of control again.  Stress makes my PTSD symptoms go crazy. 

I find this forum supportive.  I also desperately need to know I am not alone sometimes.  And while this is virtual the friendships here are genuine, supportive, and not judging.  Welcome, I hope you find safe place here as I have.

Dee