*Trigger warning* The only time I feel real...

[Alice97]

I've posted a fair amount about my experience with dissociation, but there is one question I have that I've been too scared to mention. If it's too graphic or inappropriate, somebody please let me know and I will delete it. Not sure what the rules are for posting here, but this has been bothering me for a long time.

So here goes. The only time I feel completely real and present is when I have an orgasm. Honestly I masturbate a lot, and have for a very long time (don't remember how little I was when I started, but it was for sure before anyone told me about sex). When I climax, for a brief moment it's like my brain completely switches and I feel real and oddly "present" if you know what I mean, like nothing was ever wrong. I'm just curious, does anyone else with dissociation experience this? Is it just because of the endorphins that are released, or is this more common with people who were molested? What are your experiences with sex and how it impacts dissociation?

Again, if those are inappropriate questions just yell at me, sorry if I offend anyone. Like I said this issue has just been bothering me for a long time. I've said before that I suspect I was molested as a very young child, but don't have a vivid memory. I'm not trying to force memories to come back (I know that's dangerous), I'm just paying attention to my symptoms and how they may or may not relate to that. Anywho. Any and all feedback is welcome.

[Danaus plexippus]

For me it's the opposite way around. It makes me feel transcendent, beyond normal cognition.  

[Illiciaceae]

Hi Alice97,

My name is Illiciaceae, I'm new here (I have read the guidelines.) I have a similar experience. After an orgasm I feel simple, calm, and present. It's not the only time that I feel whole and real and connected to my body, and it doesn't always work, but you are not alone in this. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Illiciaceae! We're glad you found us! 

[Fightsong]

 Me too. makes me feel real. Thought i was weird.

[meursault]

Triggery!  Hope this isn't inappropriate!

Me too, actually.

As a guy, I find I have to have sex be something quite slow and giving to build enough awareness to function properly, and the mindfulness translates into more sensuality and present-moment-ness.  All the internal calamity and distance and dissociation goes away and I'm actually THERE.  I don't know if that makes sense, but I think it's maybe the same.  Hard to explain.  The sensuality keeps me present, which makes me just BE, which makes me real.  Which makes ME experience the orgasm.  I guess maybe it's a "connected to the body" sort of thing.

(God is that embarrassing!)

Meursault

[Dee]

Abuse Triggers******

I think we all have our own ways we deal with abuse and sex.  For me I use to dissociate during sex or sometimes I just silently cried from beginning to end (never seemed to bother my ex-husband).  Now, I just don't have sex.  I have always found orgasms to be very physically painful.  I assume I associate it with pain from my abuse.  I personally can't stand to have them.  I think in abuse extremes are true and perhaps we are on different ends.  Maybe you are present because orgasm wasn't part of your abuse, maybe you are more present because it is a good, controlling feeling of sex, something you didn't have.  However, I am no therapist.  I can totally see how that would be addictive.  For me it is a horrible thing that happened, I couldn't control it and only makes my guilt so much worse.  When I first left home I use to make myself have one nightly, even though I hated it, I assume it is because I was recreating the abuse.

[Sandstone]

I have just had the first realisation that i disassociate and its through sex. I was about to post about it but saw this post (spooky)
I noticed i had to keep bringing myself back to present otherwise im just goin through the motions and doing the usual act. This has happened once before but it didnt click then.  Im not really sure why i do it tho.