Lost and Found

[Dafoid]

Hey, everyone! I'm Dafoid.

Until I was about twenty years old, I was in such a state of schizoid detachment that I didn't feel much angst about my childhood and psychological issues, instead resigning myself to isolation. With enough introspection, the dam burst, and I've spent the two or three years since then dealing with a host of neuroses brought to conscious awareness. I was diagnosed with PTSD, which my current therapist and I agree represents CPTSD.

In brief, I was born in the rural South to deaf parents with their own untreated trauma who kept me for welfare benefits; my father is a serial drug addict and grandiose narcissist, while my mother exhibits deeper issues around attachment. They forced me to be their parent in most ways, but I never did well enough to make up for being hearing. I didn't encounter society at large until grade school, but the emotionality of other children blinded me, having never received affection or healthy physical contact before. I was subsequently in and out of foster care as abuse persisted until I left home, but Child Protective Services kept sending me back because my parents claimed they needed me to function, and I loathed myself enough to never fight back. My younger sister, a domineering personality in the vein of my father, bullied and beat me continuously due to her reaction to trauma; after she grew up and was kicked out, due to only ever having related through aggression, she soon became homeless.

Now I'm in a pickle. I did well enough working on my own in college to get accepted to a world-class graduate program, right when I opened Pandora's Box. I'm too vigilant to be creative, show interest in my studies, or interact much with my peers. My therapist believes I'm not ready for EMDR because my anxiety is too intense, and is still hesitant to try alternatives. A "quick fix" doesn't exist, I know, but no amount of self-treatment through mindfulness or critic-defeating arguments helps. In building a support network, I haven't found CPTSD sufferers, and I'm too fearful-avoidant to even consider partnership. CPTSD could ruin my career soon. So what do I do to acquire a modicum of well-being?

In the meantime, you all are my support group.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Dafoid! We are glad you're here.

For me, the validation I've received from this forum and the few books on cptsd I've read have been life changing.  The Body Keeps The Score and From Surviving To Thriving are the two I have read and will keep re-reading.

Keep talking, keep reading! And thanks for joining

[pit_bull]

Hey, everyone! I'm Dafoid.

Until I was about twenty years old, I was in such a state of schizoid detachment that I didn't feel much angst about my childhood and psychological issues, instead resigning myself to isolation. With enough introspection, the dam burst, and I've spent the two or three years since then dealing with a host of neuroses brought to conscious awareness. I was diagnosed with PTSD, which my current therapist and I agree represents CPTSD.

In brief, I was born in the rural South to deaf parents with their own untreated trauma who kept me for welfare benefits; my father is a serial drug addict and grandiose narcissist, while my mother exhibits deeper issues around attachment. They forced me to be their parent in most ways, but I never did well enough to make up for being hearing. I didn't encounter society at large until grade school, but the emotionality of other children blinded me, having never received affection or healthy physical contact before. I was subsequently in and out of foster care as abuse persisted until I left home, but Child Protective Services kept sending me back because my parents claimed they needed me to function, and I loathed myself enough to never fight back. My younger sister, a domineering personality in the vein of my father, bullied and beat me continuously due to her reaction to trauma; after she grew up and was kicked out, due to only ever having related through aggression, she soon became homeless.

Now I'm in a pickle. I did well enough working on my own in college to get accepted to a world-class graduate program, right when I opened Pandora's Box. I'm too vigilant to be creative, show interest in my studies, or interact much with my peers. My therapist believes I'm not ready for EMDR because my anxiety is too intense, and is still hesitant to try alternatives. A "quick fix" doesn't exist, I know, but no amount of self-treatment through mindfulness or critic-defeating arguments helps. In building a support network, I haven't found CPTSD sufferers, and I'm too fearful-avoidant to even consider partnership. CPTSD could ruin my career soon. So what do I do to acquire a modicum of well-being?

In the meantime, you all are my support group.

Hello and welcome




I'm glad you found this website.

That's quite a dramatic story you have and I am glad you shared it with us.

I can relate to being too hyper vigilant to be creative, I'm also in a creative career and I've been too depressed to paint since September.

I don't know if you saw the other post about EMDR where I commented that because of my lack of childhood resources my former therapist could not complete it with me.

I saw you wrote you are in therapy. Do you know what kind of techniques your therapist is using with you?

[Three Roses]

.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Dafoid     What a childhood you survived the key word there being survived.  Until we get treatment most of us do encounter problems with managing school, work, relationships - CPTSD just takes up so much internal energy that we can't thrive until we can get out of survival mode.

Have you talked with your T about grad school? (Congrats on being accepted by the way  )?  Do you also have a physician you could talk to about your symptoms?  The reason I ask is that it may be that medication could help bring down your anxiety enough to allow you to function at school and to look at issues in recovery that may be too difficult straight on right now. In most of the treatment literature stabilization and learning about the disorder and skills to deal with symptoms are the first step in recovery.  I am not an expert by any means, but this is what helped me. 

[Dafoid]

For me, the validation I've received from this forum and the few books on cptsd I've read have been life changing.  The Body Keeps The Score and From Surviving To Thriving are the two I have read and will keep re-reading.

Coincidentally, I bought them both, and am just now on the last part of The Body Keeps the Score. It does a tremendous job at fleshing out the nature of and mechanisms behind trauma; I recommended it to the other in my "temporary therapeutic relationship," the sole friend with whom I've become close. While he is a role model on how to healthily relate, I moved away from him for grad school, so we're exploring ways to find another role model who lives nearby. 

I saw you wrote you are in therapy. Do you know what kind of techniques your therapist is using with you?

So far, she hasn't initiated treatment, but has recommended a Vipassana retreat. In the meantime, she's trying to piece together my complicated history and find ways to bring me (who Pete Walker would classify as "flight/freeze") back from sporadic but consuming "freeze" reactions. It's hard for me to tell whether I should stick with her, but she is the first mental health professional I've encountered who approximately "gets" me.

Have you talked with your T about grad school? (Congrats on being accepted by the way  )?  Do you also have a physician you could talk to about your symptoms?  The reason I ask is that it may be that medication could help bring down your anxiety enough to allow you to function at school and to look at issues in recovery that may be too difficult straight on right now. In most of the treatment literature stabilization and learning about the disorder and skills to deal with symptoms are the first step in recovery.  I am not an expert by any means, but this is what helped me.

Thanks!    My therapist works under the university, so she knows about my educational matters. She was concerned after I had to leave/was let go from my first research group, which was a major bummer and perhaps attributable in part to CPTSD symptoms. However, looking at the situation as objectively as possible, the group was a lousy fit for my skill set and research interests, nor would my mentors offer me any mentorship; my therapist commented that I seemed more grounded after I abdicated.

The university-employed psychiatrist I used to see only wanted to try Wellbutrin at increasing doses, which provided no benefits after the first few days. I left, given that she didn't appear to distinguish me from your average college student with mood and focus issues.