*TRIGGER warning * Sexual Microagressions Against Women

[movementforthebetter]

I'm going to talk about microagressions for a moment. I had one today and have decided the time has cpme for me to speak openly about this stuff here.

I had a very long bus ride from work. A man got on early in the ride. There were many seats open next to other men, and more than a few that were totally free but were sideways. But he chose to sit next to me. I had a backpack and a big jacket and was eating a sandwich because this was the only dinner break I had before an appointment downtown... Practically shouting "#@$& off" in bus body language. But still he chose to sit next to me. And then he spread his legs wide and puffed out his arms so he was touching me in as many places as possible. He smelled bad but forget this clown, he's not about to horn in on me. So I rustled in my bag. I let my jacket flop onto him. I puffed up my arms. We sat like this for a good 20 minutes in a power struggle stalemate. Bus was full so nowhere to move to. And I didn't want to have to give up the seat I was in first. Eventually I couldn't deal with his invasion anymore and shrunk up against the window. He continued to sit that way for another 10 minutes. And then he relaxed. He shrunk. He shifted. And suddenly he was nowhere near touching me anymore. As he could have been the entire time. The bus reached the end of the line a couple stops later and everyone got off. Dude made his point.

Before you ask why I didn't say anything, I have in the past, and my experiences have taught me to not bother because the results are wildly unpredictable. He could become more belligerent or turn violent and there really and truly is no way to know what will flip an aggressor's switch when he's looking for a target.

I was on my way to my Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse group therapy. How ironic. I could give you a story for every day of the week. Some worse than others. Like I said, this was a microagression, and this is the most common kind of power display by men against women, played out in various forms every single day.

I would like to open a space up for the discussion of opression based on nothing more than being a woman. If you would like to share any thoughts, I would welcome them. Thank you.

[radical]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/feeling-our-way/201610/why-men-grope-women?collection=1094918

I could write a book on the subject, the awful thing is, I think all women could.  I really like the article above, and love the Everyday Sexism Project. 

One of the things I object to about being put into the situation is the fact that you are damned if you express your feelings, however tactfully, and damned if you don't.  You know you will likely be punished to  some degree for having boundaries and wishes of your own.  What you can't know is how extreme his reaction might be.

Touching others, or taking their space is often a way of expressing dominance and superiority, pure and simple, imo, forcing them into submission.

In a group situation, if a man is pretending unwanted touching, sometimes extremely inappropriate in manner and duration is 'being affectionate', saying you don't want to be touched is often be punished by the disapproval of the group.  Your feelings are irrelevant, his potential embarrassment is hugely important, as is challenging the very idea of women's bodies being public property.  Sometimes other women might express sympathy for your obvious discomfort privately later or, communicate silent sympathy with their faces at the time.  In the worst cases of extreme, repeat, and even dangerous offenders (especially those with status and power), people even warn each other and work out elaborate schemes to protect each other.  God forbid we just be allowed to say 'no' and make it clear that this behaviour is unacceptable.  That might hurt his pride.

I've had so many conversations with women discussing the creeps in a group and how to avoid them, swapped horror stories of the lecherous touchy feelers, yet many women, while acknowledging how unpleasant it is, feel inordinately sorry for the men concerned as if it were a form of female directed Tourettes Syndrome.

But what upsets me most, is that I experienced the worst of this behaviour from adult men of all ages in public when I was alone and between 12 and 18, including kerb-crawling, leering, cat-calling, being hit on, offered money for sex.....usually in daylight, often in my school uniform.  There was no language to express it to anyone else, and it made me feel dirty, ashamed and afraid.

Quote from the article above:

Many men are raised to detest their own dependence, passivity, and vulnerability. This occurs not only through punishment of boys for being weak but also through excessive praise for their strength, agency, and toughness. The latter creates a situation where the boy being normally vulnerable or scared becomes a loss of face. Groping, ogling, and catcalling are often ways of inducing in women feelings of vulnerability, weakness, and fear. Compared to women scurrying away from a frightening man, the man seems to himself to be tough, strong, and courageous. Compared to a woman paralyzed or befuddled by being groped, the man seems to himself to be a master of the universe. Bullying works the same way.

Rant over.

[sanmagic7]

well, this is a form of bullying, isn't it!  and, i know that this is a keyword now, but i have a problem using 'microaggression' to describe these acts of overt power plays.  i don't think there's anything 'micro' about them.  they are space invaders, unwanted/unasked-for touchers, and debasing gropers.  it's ugly on all levels, not only the actions, but the way they make us feel. 

i hate the fact that you had to go thru that experience, mftb.  and radical.  and me.  and every other woman who has known what this feels like.  i was even once felt up by a gay man, who told me, when i confronted him on it, that 'gay men are fascinated by breasts'.  well, good for frickin' you - go grow your own and you can fondle them till the cows come home. 

the innate message in these societies are that women are made for men's pleasure, period.  not that i haven't snuck my share of looks in my time, but let's have some class and discretion!  to say nothing about respect.  and, going one step further, this idiocy about 'men have needs' is bull pucky.  men and women, both, have sexual urges, that can be controlled or dealt with differently.  a 'need' is food, water, air, etc.  humans can live without sex.  for some reason, they have been taught differently and have never explored it for accuracy.  grrrr!

[prairiewind]

I've traveled on many buses, trains, and planes in my life and finally started carrying on a washable jacket that I put between me and the person in the next seat. If it's someone who seems decent and I don't want to offend I say I'm putting it there for an arm rest. If a creepy person,  I just roll it up and put it between us and say nothing. I always have something to read also.

[DreamingDutchie]

I've had my fair share of similar experiences too. And indeed you never know how they or the people around you will react if you say something about it. It always makes me feel extremely anxious. The worst situations have been the ones where I was younger and a group of guys would be pressuring each other into getting touchy, invading my space, and laughing about it together. And the worst thing is that no one would do anything, leaving me feel extremely worthless.