Not angry anymore - is this unhealthy?

[samantha19]

I get along with my family now. Outside of being gaslighted over 6 months ago I haven't been abused in the past 2 years.
It's a weird relationship, I'm not close to my dad but we get along in this very strange way - where there's a distance but maybe we pretend that there's not. We do get along for the most part, but when I was younger he was neglectful and he would go into these moods for short periods of time where verbal and physical abuse would tend to occur. I wonder now if he had / has a mental health problem. I still don't understand why he wouldn't have sought help. Maybe he didn't see the abuse as wrong, but how could you not? For that he would need to be severely messed up or missing something (empathy). I don't understand.
Anyway, my family are still in my life. See, I've gotten really, badly depressed again recently and I've been going back to them sometimes. I just need comfort, sometimes I am terrified of being alone because of how I feel. I don't know if it helps.

I wonder if I should still feel angry and be cutting them out when it's in the past. See, I know what happened to me was wrong, but I recognise it's not happening anymore. Should we always feel anger about these things? Or is acceptance and living in the moment more worthwhile? Or am I just lying to myself?
I think I'm codependent cause I feel like I need them. I always rely on someone. At one point it was even an abusive boyfriend because I still always needed someone - a distraction from all the horrible crap going on in my own mind.
I don't like anger. I see it as a negative emotion. But we're told we're supposed to be angry. Why would I want to feel an unpleasant thing? But maybe I have to. But I already felt it before, so why again, if I know the abuse was wrong?
I am so conflicted by this because I do realise I need to heal further too, as I am still rather wounded psychologically, and I still beat myself up quite intensely sometimes, so I can see why maybe I need to remember that the anger belongs outward, not inward.
It's hard cause it's in the past. I guess that's the whole deal with trauma though, we didn't get to feel it at the time when we should have.
This has been a ramble I do apologise. 

[samantha19]

I've realised even from typing that out that I've been avoiding anger perhaps out of fear.
Thing is, when I confront what happened to me and more importantly how this has affected me, I do feel angry, naturally. It's a horrible thing.
But I'm uncomfortable with that, I guess mainly because I get along with them now. Maybe I don't want the fantasy world to pop.
Any further insight is appreciated. I've got a counselling appointment tomorrow so I'll try to talk about this if I don't socially avoid.

[Three Roses]

I think anger is not negative - like fear of physical pain can keep us out of danger, it's there to tell us what to avoid.

[Dee]

I have a very hard time with anger.  I turn all of my anger inward and I hurt myself in so many different ways.  I was upset about my sister the other day and my therapist said "you are finally starting to get angry, you have a lot to be angry about."  I think it is there, just repressed.  I also don't think I can chose to be angry, it is something that just comes.  I believe when a therapist or anyone wants us to get angry it is so we can turn it outward instead of hurting ourself.  I also don't think it can be rushed, someday I know it will come.  Until then, I think there are glimpses of it now and then.  I could be wrong but I think anger doesn't go away, we just need to learn to manage it.  If it goes away entirely it might be repressed again?  Just a thought.  I do know managed anger is natural and a good thing.

[Wife#2]

Samantha,

Is it that you don't feel anger or that you don't recognize anger when you're feeling it? There are many levels of anger from cold-slow-burn to white-hot-fury.

Also, it is amazing that you recognize that the behavior has stopped. Is it because it's directed at someone else, or did the offender get help? If the offender got help, I think it's possible that you've experienced some forgiveness. This might make it possible to be around the other person without active anger.

The distant/detached feelings you have around your FOO may be your mind's healthy protection in place. Every preacher I've ever talked to emphasized that forgiveness is possible, but that doesn't mean putting yourself in the same position to be 'victimized' again. (I put that in quotes because many on this site call themselves survivors, not victims). With the internal difference, you can remain aloof from any situation and it's easier to just leave if it gets too much. All healthy coping mechanisms - which makes you an impressive person!

Come back and let us know what your therapist thinks on the subject!

Peace to you.

I'm glad you've got a therapist appointment. That person would be the best to ask these questions!

[Riverstar]

(trigger warning) Samantha, It sounds like you don't want to face the truth of your family and your past, which is very reasonable. It's very easy to say that things have stopped, that it was all a long time ago, and try to go on as if it didn't happen -  that's you trying to save yourself from the heartbreak you've already faced, and I did the same for a while. Sometimes in the short term running away from that betrayal and abandonment and lack of love can help, but it will hurt you in the long run. Feeling depressed and lonely and like you will take anyone (including your parents, your abusive boyfriend) over facing it is actually a symptom of that very abuse and manipulation - these people make us dependent on them by taking our own strength, and so we keep going back to them for support, when really they are what's taking it away. Some people say you should just 'forgive and forget', but those people are either ignorant or heartless if they apply it to a situation like this. Because honestly you just can't. If you stop feeling anger at your parents for their abuse, that anger doesn't go away - it turns on you. If you never accept how your parents failed you, how they failed in their responsibilities to care for and protect you and deal with their own issues, how they didn't care as much as you did, if you never speak your truth to your parents (rather than just wondering why your dad never recognized how abusive he was) and feel your anger at them, then you'll either hate yourself or be depressed or both. Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but I'd say that depression, that stuff you're running from in your mind, is that same anger at your parents that you don't want to feel. You'd rather put it behind you and forgive them, you'd rather take all the pain (self-sacrificially) on yourself, because a part of you still adores them and wants loving parents. But the fault never lay with you. A book I think you'll find helpful is "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward - it discusses different types of past abuse but also gives you ways to move forward and heal yourself and deal with your emotions. I hope some of this is helpful.

[sanmagic7]

samantha,

if you were able to get to that realization by typing out your thoughts, may i suggest you do more of that?  the writing of thoughts and feelings has really helped me clarify a lot in my mind, and has brought other things to my consciousness that i didn't even know were there.   it has helped me in the process of recognizing my feelings for what they were, surprising me at times when anger would come to mind.  at that point, i would stop the writing and find a way to release that anger, get it out of me.

my favorite means of doing so is pound my bed, yell, curse, scream at times.  it's a very physical release, and in the end, it feels good to get rid of it.  take it from one who knows, i stuffed too many feelings into my body, and it has caught up with me with a vengeance.  i would hate to see you have to go through any of that.  the sooner you can get it out of you, the much better off you'll be.

[samantha19]

Trigger warning. Also I admit to being crappy in this myself. I like to be honest. I'm sorry.

I also totally vent here for a long time feel free not to read haha, just getting my thoughts out.


Thank you everyone. Truly, thank you.

I realise now that I was doing that sort of thing Riverstar. I have been very dependent on my family for emotional support recently but it's not like they've made it really any better. Actually, I got badly triggered by them the other day and I've realised a lot. I don't forgive him, I can't because he's not even sorry. My mum tells me he is but she's an enabler, she can't be fully trusted with these things. He said things that suggested I was the problem, things were getting bad again and I was a hypocrite because I accidentally lashed out at my brother when he was carrying on with me because he was on me and wouldn't get off and he was deliberately harassing me and I panicked ( I was crying and said sorry afterwards, it was a reaction and I didn't mean it, we play fight all the time and I never meant it out of malice it was totally reactionary to get him off me, spur of the moment accident. I didn't pure hurt him just raised my hand, I know I shouldn't have and I have apologised. I am being honest here I know I am not perfect and I wish I was. ) I said sorry and explained it wasn't right of me but it was totally not meant. I also told my brother he should respect my personal space more because I don't like it when he doesn't, especially when I am always telling him to stop and he never does, this spurs him on more.
He didn't really care or apologise, he doesn't really respect me or anyone in the family properly. He just laughed. Anyways

So I found it a problem, devastating actually, for my dad to call me a hypocrite obviously referring to my issue with him hitting me often when I was younger. That was different, that was done with intent to terrorise and control me. That was things like my door being smashed down, lock broken, so he could get to me. That was fearing for my life as he cornered me in, raising his fist. That was throwing my furniture around the room when I was only small. It gave me a total flashback, him making those comments and saying things were getting bad again in here, insinuating obviously that it was all my fault, I was the bad one. I couldn't stop crying and I was too scared to go in the same room as him, I had to get my mum to collect my things so I could leave. The terror can't leave so I can't have a relationship with them based on that alone. The fact I'm traumatised makes it all bad enough. I was honest with my mum in the car home, she said she has noticed I don't like my dad, she sees it in my face. I guess I couldn't even hide it, I never realised I was such an open book with my expressions. She said her dad gave her a black eye so she knows what it's like where you can't ever let it go. But you have to consider if the good times outweigh the bad (*). I told her they don't. It was so honest of me. They just don't. I don't even have good times as memories. He was either distant or angry or taking me along places that he enjoyed or had to go for company. I don't remember him ever telling me he loved me, telling me he was proud of me, praising me, taking an interest in my unique interests. So what good times are there to have a hope of outweighing the bad? Not that anything ever could. Oh hey look I'm finally angering. That's good I guess, that's good.

Unfortunately I trusted them enough to hold off moving into a new flat in the city right away and so I am living in a flat they own, near them, which they will be maintaining and checking in on, no doubt. I realise I made a mistake. I done the same in my abusive relationship, always wanting, no needing, to trust because I am so alone and depressed which is making me dependent.

My mum keeps texting me being overly nice. I'm kind of done with it. She's been such a doormat my whole life, she twists the truth and it hurts. I'm sick of trying to understand and feeling sorry for her. It's killing me, it's always been killing me. This abuse has utterly destroyed me, I'm the quietest person I have ever met because thanks to them people terrify me.
I'm done. I want out, soon, and I'm not pretending anymore. I'm not doing it.
I deserve better.

[samantha19]

I just feel like a mug for kidding myself for so long. I knew I was getting the face, he's still an abusive person. He's still a bad person who thinks he's right and no doubt rejoiced at the opportunity to make those digs, randomely, to me, and portray me again as the bad one, and stand up for his choice to hit my brother in a sense.
I feel like a mug. He doesn't deserve the smugness of having me in his life despite what he has done to me. I regret being delusional and somewhat forgiving him, I was wrong. So wrong. What have I done? Silly girl, ignoring my feelings. I need to move on from this.

[sanmagic7]

samantha19, sounds like you've realized some truths for yourself.  very brave of you to push thru that wall of denial.  i've learned that the truth may hurt, but it does not harm.  it sounds like you're on your way.  good for you!

for the record, my dad was also withholding of praise, 'i love you's', and telling me he was proud of me.  it left a gigantic hole that i attempted to fill with other men who would also withhold emotional support.  so, yeah, from one abusive man to another.  it was quite the pattern.  i'm so glad you're recognizing what's going on in your relationships with your parents.  and, no, you didn't deserve it, any of it, not then, not now.  onward!

[samantha19]

Thank you <3

My mum forced her presence on me by forcing a visit. Apparently they are hurt and worried about me because I've cut off contact to an extent. I told the truth and asserted myself again. She done all the classic things, told me it only happened 6 times at most, she's always trying to rationalise and minimise it. She cringes at the word abuse because I wasn't battered black and blue (I was still hit just not bruised). She says she does agree it's abuse and it's not right, but she was still saying it's not severe abuse and she would call people arguing in the street verbal abuse too. She also said it's normal and happens in every household, basically. I wonder if that's true.
She says there's people treated much worse than me, which is an illogical point because you could say that about virtually anything. Like I could be kidnapped by a psychopath and have lots of evil things done but you could say, well the person who had that done to her AND her loved ones had it worse. That's an extreme example but yeah. It still hurt. Everything I am saying is still valid.

I brought up the time I took a panic attack and ran out the house without shoes on and apparently i didn't need to react like that. I explained I cannot help it, I cannot control the fact I am terrified of him, my brain has done this of its own accord due to events. That's not my fault and the way my brain reacts is actually affecting my life majorly. I told her I am getting therapy for this, because of the impact it has left.
She has went home and is clearly miserable.
She said they just want to put it in the past and he is sorry. Well he hasn't said it or acted to resolve things, has he? And I told her it's easy for them to put it in the past because they were not the victim.

I am becoming a lot more honest and assertive. I'm not proud because the truth hurts but I'm not ashamed either. What else is there to do, lie? It just hurts me. I need and deserve better.

[Three Roses]

 



This is awesome! Good job, you! 

[sanmagic7]

you bet your boots you deserve better!  great job speaking and sticking by your truth.  yay!!!