the dialogue

[joyful]

I'm having such a hard time right now feeling like an absolute failure at everything. I just feel pathetic. I can kinda see that its my IC, but most of the time it feels true...
I recently started college, but my parents won't let me move out ("we can't afford it"). i can't drive yet because they didn't let me do that either (although they tell me it was in my best interest and it wasn't that they "weren't letting me".  well whatever it was, they weren't HELPING me) i have no job (wasn't allowed to in high school). but now they are expecting me to pay for all my own tuition and if i want to move out i'm gonna have to pay for it myself. i'm "failing" all my classes because i'm having such a hard time focusing. i can't like tell my professors all the things i am dealing with can i? it's the end of semester and all the projects and finals are coming up and i honestly want to quit. drop out. maybe college isn't right for me. at least right now. but i'm terrified of getting a job, interviews, co-workers....it all sounds MISERABLE. i don't really know how to deal with everything, it's all i can do to just get through a day a lot of times. so, my inner critic is having a grand time reminding me of how terribly i'm doing at everything. pretty much right now i just am hating life. i just want to go move somewhere far far away from people and society and expectations that i can't live up to because i'm too broken and messed up.
sorry that was kind of a ridiculous rant.

[Kizzie]

Not a ridiculous rant at all Joyful, it sounds like you know what's not working in your life and why.

Can you talk to a counselor at the college about what is going on and see if they can help you come up with a plan?  It may be that with their help you can get extensions on what is due to relieve some of the pressure, work on a study plan for finals, etc.  They may also be able to help you look at financial aid, housing and so on if you want to carry on with your program separate from your parents. 

If you simply don't have the energy to carry on with school that is important to acknowledge - Complex PTSD takes a lot of our inner resources so perhaps what's needed right now is some time away. The college counselor may be able to help you with that as well. 

I hope you are able to talk with someone at the college and find a way through this   

[joyful]

Thank you Kizzie. I've been meeting with a therapist (for free through the college) once a week for a few months now, and he tells me most of the same things. I guess it's hard not to feel shame in taking time off, like admitting i can't handle it. I will look into financial aid, and also speaking to the accessibility center do get letters saying that i have a "disability" or that i can't do stuff normally...
Thank you again

[Dee]

If you have a disability the school will come up with reasonable accommodations for you.  This may include letting you turn in work late or retake tests.  This way too the instructor knows that you need accommodations but are not forced to go to each one and explain the situation.

Also, consider becoming a RA if they have dorms.  It is a job and free housing.  Maybe your parents will respect that?  When I was young I got a pell grant because they didn't consider my parents income.  This was extremely difficult to do and I had to get letters from the district attorney.  However, there are loans that are reasonable and you can look up scholarships for those with a disability.  Also, and a big one, each state has voc rehab.  If you have a disability they will pay for your education and assist with issues at the school.  However, this is in the US and I don't know if you are.