How to heal from the neglect of the Enabling Parent

[Face]

Hey all, I am new here and I'm struggling with a lot of anxiety and sadness about an issue with my parents. I'm now living on my own, states away from my family, but I grew up with an cNPD stepfather, and an extremely enabling, co-dependant Mother. I've never liked my stepfather, or felt the need to create a relationship- I've always sort of been able to see through his crap, and so was the scapegoat. However, up until recently, my Mom and I have always  been close, talked regularly, ect. But after waking up and really being able to see the dynamics, I've felt horrible hurt, with a lot of sadness, anger, and resentment. Not from the abuse from my Stepdad, for whom I only really feel disgust, but from the fact that I was never protected from his antics by my Mother. I think this is perhaps where my intensely low self esteem comes from, as well as why I have ended up dating dangerous, toxic people as an adult, because Ive never really had/ known about boundaries.

As I work through these feelings of pain and grief, guided by my therapist as well as Pete Walker's books (I have Cptsd) I find I'm really struggling with talking to my Mom. I know cognitively that she would never hurt me on purpose and loves me a lot, perhaps a less boundaried love than what would be ideal, but she has always been there for me and I know she is sensing me pulling away and asserting boundaries and I feel horrible guilt. She wants me to heal and is very supportive of anything I decide for myself. She is aware of how much I was effected by the abuse /her codependancy to it and we have had meaningful talks about it. She has said that if she could go back in time and change it she would. Yet she is still with this man (he relys on her in every way because he is disabled now). Just now she wanted to catch up on the phone and I heard him speaking in the background and immediately began to have a flashback, and politely got off the phone, though I know she had been hoping to talk more, and kept talking to me about her day even after I told her I had to go and that I was sorry. Also a few weeks ago I explained that I wont be able to come home for thanksgiving, but I related it more to being overwhelmed with work at grad school (which is true but not the whole truth). I feel terrible. I want to see her but my emotions overwhelm me whenever I hear her voice. Ive told her I'd forgiven her and its all water under the bridge, mostly because I know she is susceptible to feeling very guilty and I didn't want to cause more of it, but the truth is I am emotionally struggling with it.

I don't know what to do about this, because I know she is a victim of her own programming/abusive childhood, and is sort of slung between us, which I feel so awful about. Historically my Stepdad would sling her between the two of us and she would be in a pickle, side with him, pressured by his aggression, now I feel like I am "rocking the boat" and I don't want her to suffer for it. How do I stand by myself and attempt to build self esteem, without causing my Mother pain? Has anyone else dealt with struggling to forgive an enabling parent? Or with never having felt protected or important enough to protect, while being told you are loved? Struggle with guilt over what to do? I welcome and appreciate any feedback on this, thanks for reading!

[Three Roses]

My mom was very codependent. When I finally realized I was angry at her, too, for not removing me from the situation, it was a revelation.

You are responsible only for you. Your mother is an adult and her feelings are hers. You're not hurting her, you are taking care of yourself - if her reaction to that is to feel hurt, that is on her.

I realize she will feel the distance between you, just as I've felt my own children pull away from me. You can reassure her that you don't hate her, just that you are working on getting stronger, and that if she does the same your relationship will be better in the long run.

It sounds like she really loves you, & that makes you one of the lucky/blessed ones. And loving you, she will want what's best for you. Recognizing that she has her own childhood demons to wrestle with will help you see her in a compassionate (but still realistic) light.

Warmest wishes for healing and the repair of your fractured relationship with her!

[sanmagic7]

You can reassure her that you don't hate her, just that you are working on getting stronger, and that if she does the same your relationship will be better in the long run.

i completely agree with this.  i think honesty with the people who care about you is truly the best policy.   you are taking care of yourself first, and that is imperative to heal.  unfortunately, when we do for ourselves and our own best interests, others may not agree with or like it.  like 3 roses said, that's on them.

when i ran away from home at 53, there were plenty of people who didn't agree with my decision, and their feelings ran the gamut of hurt, abandonment, rejection, and anger.  i couldn't help them with that, except later to apologize and explain.  some of them accepted what i had to say, some didn't.  but i knew in my gut that i had to do this for me, and i couldn't go back just to keep them from their feelings.

it's difficult to make those boundaries and stick with them, especially when people we care about are hurting.  still, adults are responsible for their own feelings, and we are responsible for our own well-being and self-care.

i can relate to what you're going thru.  it sounds like you have a pretty clear picture of what you need to do for you.  i am sorry that even her voice triggers you because of all the history behind that.  hopefully, as you continue in recovery, this will become easier, and your mom will be able to understand and accept.  she's made her choices in her life, and you get to do the same.  that's the freedom (in my mind) of being an adult.   best to you with this.  it may not be easy, but it is do-able.  big hug.

[rosemarie]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I can definitely relate. In my situation, I feel that my mother abandoned me with my father when they got divorced when I was 9. She got to escape and have a normal life and I was left for him to continue to abuse, which escalated in her absence. She pretends like she had no idea but I was a very depressed kid and even photos of me from that time on make this obvious. So I will probably always feel like she abandoned me, no matter how much work we have done to heal our relationship, which has been years of therapy. She has never really admitted to this and I get super triggered by her still because I am disabled by CPTSD again and dependent on her once more. She like to make it out like she's enabling me by caring for me when I'm disabled, but I truly have nowhere else to go. It took me a long time to realize I was angry with her. If she admitted her part in the neglect and abuse she would have to admit that she failed as a parent, and stop shifting the blame for my mental health issues back to me. I think it's a pretty tough one to heal. I know she really cares about me but I don't feel like I can ever really trust her and I think that's a good thing. She was unable or unwilling both in and out of her relationship with my father to protect me and it really hurts still. Over time, our relationship has improved but I will never feel safe with her. I know she has her own trauma from my father and her own childhood that is totally unresolved and prevents her from really dealing with what happened to me. I feel a lot of resentment towards her but I don't feel that guilty about it anymore. Because I know that if I had children, even though I am bad at protecting myself from narcissists, I would run away to the ends of the earth to protect them. No. Matter. What.

Sorry for the long winded explanation but maybe you can relate to some of this. I just want to say your feelings are so valid and good job at protecting yourself. If we keep sacrificing our own mental health as the family scapegoat to maintain close relationships with those who abandoned and neglected us, I don't really think we can heal those wounds. That's my experience anyways. I mean we have to deal with those triggers eventually I suppose but it's hard to work on the PTSD when you don't feel safe with the people in your life. I can totally relate to feeling guilty for having boundaries with her and asserting your needs. I'm so sorry this is triggering and painful for you.