A difficult conversation

[sandfire]

I find myself once again frozen in fear. My mother is due to arrive for an extended stay (3 months) in 6 days and counting. I really want to have a difficult conversation with her but Im terrified of that.
She was abused as a child too by the same person as me and has huge issues but has never accepted that or done any work on it. She disclosed to me 10 years ago that the sexual abuse started when I was 9 months old and she knew but didnt do anything to stop it. She said "something happened or something was said but I cant remember what" I dont really believe that she cant remember and for some reason I always want as much information as I can get.

I realise it was difficult for her to even tell me that much as it implicates her and Im grateful that she did but I struggle with the idea that she knew and didnt protect me. The fact that she was abused too does give me some pause for consideration from her perspective but I still really dont understand it. Its all so confusing, it goes round and round in my head and I have no idea how to begin unravelling it. Maybe I should just leave it alone but I cant seem to get it out of my head. Im not sure what good I expect to come from it or if it will just make everything worse.

Im so confused and would appreciate others comments, advice or tips on this or even just on managing the difficult terrain of being in the same house with her for 3 months. 

[movementforthebetter]

I don't have much to say about your visit but I wish you strength and comfort throughout.

Not protecting you as her child is child abuse. There's no way around that fact. The why will likely be very complicated and you may never know. You also may not need to know, in the long run.

From my own experiences, as well as what I am currently reading in The Body Keeps The Score, a person can indeed forget details of an event. In particular words are fragile, because trauma is stored as images, emotions, and sensations. The part of the brain that processes language is deactivated during trauma. But this will likely not be comforting to hear, and might not accurately reflect your mother's experience, as to whether witholding details was an intentional choice or not.

You likely won't be able to convince her to confront her situation if she is incapable of it or does not want to. If you have an open enough relationship, you may wish to discuss your own journey with her and see if she is willing to "go there" or not.

I have personally chosen not to have such conversations with my mother, as I do not think any results will help with healing. 

In any case, it will probably be best to focus on your own health and well-being independent of her, as much as you can.

I hope this doesn't seem like a flat rejection of what you want to do or that I am shooting down your plan. Most of us here have had to come to difficult decisions like this with regards to family at one point or another, and had to put ourselves first for our own well-being. If the other person is interested, great. But "put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others".

[Dee]

I believe my mother was abused by her dad.  I do not know for sure, but I know my grandmother took her and another sibling and ran for two years.  During that two years she didn't go to school or see any family.  Not surprisingly, my mother married an abusive person, who abused me.  I know my mother knew and did nothing.  I have no doubt that much of her inaction was due to her own abuse.  However, that doesn't mean I can forgive her.  I have two children and I feel as positive as anyone can that they have never been abused.  Perhaps even a bit more since I was hypervigilant in protecting them.   

I feel bad for my mother, but there is no excuse.  The idea that your mother is staying with you for so long is amazing to me and I don't think I could do that without breaking.  I have made a lot of changes in the last month and I ask myself, does it build me up or tear me down?  The other is what do I want?  It's taken a year of therapy and a major breakdown to get here.  I recently cancelled a trip where I would of seen my mother because it just kills me inside.  I'm not going to do it anymore.  I hope I can stick to this, but I have finally started to get angry and I have a lot to be angry about.  I do still hurt for my mother as a child, maybe as an adult, but my anger is warranted and I don't have to stuff it.

[sandfire]

Thank you both for your comments. I suppose it does sound strange to have such a long visit. I live on the opposite side of Australia from the rest of my family and often go years between seeing them. Mum is really the only one who doesnt treat me like im a problem, she tries to understand and I know she carries a lot of guilt. She does her best to try to help me whenever she can. Its confusing to have such mixed feelings and I would love to get to a point where I can forgive. Although Im nervous about her visit and I know its a touchy subject Im hoping it can be another opportunity to heal for both of us.

[deptofhearts]

hey, I have a similar issue with my mum, she was abused by her dad but turned the other way when I was being abused by her second husband.... although I was only young I could see she just blanked out into dissociation. Still its a bitter pill to swallow as I do (and most of us I am sure) long for a healthy and honest relationship with our mothers. I have talked to her, but it just hurt. I didn't hear what I needed or wanted to hear, so there goes the potential for a healthy relationship... up in smoke. I hope your mum's stay is going ok for you, and you are able to care for yourself, and process some stuff when it suits you. xx