Shorter post. Fear, anxiety and feeling trapped.

[Sienna]

Triggers where I'm living brought up shame.
Been trapped in it for about a month.
Always had issues with this. With going out into the communal area (in refuge for domestic violence)
New girl came in. Not been out to cook or eat. Loosing so much weight. Started with needing to not eat for control and self punishment.
Too afraid of people. Too afraid to go out there and do my share of the cleaning.
They are up late at night, so cant always do it then.  Had house meeting. They all know i havent been cleaning, that new woman I'm afraid of was looking at me, so i said, i havent been cleaning, and I'm now even more afraid of this new lady..fear that she thinks I'm lazy, when that is not the case.
Terrified for them to look at me. I can't be seen. Now, feeling shame for feeling shame.
Transpired to a lot of things, which is why i havent been posting.

Im just ..at the end of my tether...dont know what to do..hense the post.
Tonight, heard someone mopping the floor outside my room. Felt fear. That they would knock, and ask why i didnt help. Thought i might have unintentionally dragged mud into the house when came back in earlier. That id be in *trouble* and that thats why she was mopping.
Braved it and went to the bathroom just now...only someone came down with what i think was the hoover.
Just froze, rooted to the spot. Such terror and fear. Visions of whoever it was knowing i was in there, hoping they wouldnt bang on the door. Couldnt leave the bathroom for fear she would come out of the lounge. Back in my room, heart pounding out of my chest, and i hear a noise in my room. Crying and feeling trapped.

I have been feeling frozen in my body a lot, too scared to move.
I realise I'm afraid of my mother. That i think that this woman will be like my mother. The floor mopping brought about a flashback filled with fear.
That she hates me..what must she think of me etc. , she must be angry at me for not cleaning. They must all think I'm weird and anti social.
Im so terrified of people.Thought i was past it but I'm not-past has come back to haunt me.
Im scared here and i don't feel safe. I feel trapped. Just want to leave and to feel safe but i have know where to go.

scared to come home at the end of the day. But i only have the streets to wonder.
I feel lost and scared, and kind of like an orphan. Know where is safe. I wont go back to my dads, to my hometown, to the people who gave me all these problems.
I want / need someone to take me to somewhere where i can feel safe, where i don't feel like i have to hide in shame and fear. Somewhere where i can eat a hot meal.

Hate this side of me..but i need support. This feels urgent and i need help. I cant function in this house due to this fear and anxiety-triggered by being in a sort of *home* environment, with new people i don't know well.

Anyone have any suggestions of what i could do? Meds?
Thanks...

[Whobuddy]

 

Sounds like you might be stuck in an EF. Is there a therapist you can call, text, or email? You are not a bad person. You need some self compassion and hopefully someone can help you soon. You must eat, too. Have they noticed that you are not eating? I wish I could help you more. Keep writing if you are up to it.

I know of several people with cptsd including myself that have major stress over housework. Things we learned in our dangerous family homes. You will be okay, you will get through this.

[Dee]

I believe medication can help.  For me it lessened my anxiety and helped with depression.  When my last antidepressant stopped working it all came back and the new one is starting to work, I can feel it.  I also know it doesn't work for everyone.  Is there one person there that you feel okay around, can relate to at all?  Maybe that one person can help calm your fears.

It is super hard to stand on your own to feet, but I think that is important in recovery.  Taking control of our own lives.  I really want someone right now to come and help me with a few things I am having trouble getting accomplished.  I also know that once I do it, there will be a sense of control and accomplishment.

[Three Roses]

Medication can help, but my dear you must eat. Your blood sugar is probably not where it needs to be. Start small, do it for the little one in you. Take care of her if you can't do it for you.

Keep posting, we care about you. 

[Sienna]

Who buddy, thanks a lot for your reply.
It surprised me when you say that i might be stuck in an EF. I think i know that and have thought about that ... i guess i just forget when its continuous, and i guess it doesnt feel like one because i believe what the shame is telling me.
I have a therapist i see. I talked to her about the anxiety in the house, and the not eating, which at the time, not eating was due to another trigger.
Everyone at volunteering has been saying ive lost so much weight...but T never said anything. I brought it up with her and thats the only reason we talked about the weight thing.
She knows about the shame and knows I'm not eating because i cant go out there.
She's never said ..feel free to call if you absolutely have to...and the one time we arranged to talk on the phone..i froze up and couldnt talk.
Sometimes, i wish i had someone like her on the other end of the phone.

The staff lady said at the house meeting ..your never here are you? Do you ever cook? and i said no. I am not there as much as possible, but I'm just hiding in my room when i am.
The others might think i don't want to eat or that i eat out. At volunteering last week, i couldnt come out of the toilet either until people in the corridor had gone.

I projected a lot of this onto my partner i guess- unintentionally...my rage about him not doing housework. I just ..do it. Maybe i adopted my mothers standards, and maybe these feelings are what was underneath that need to have a clean house.  I guess i had a go at him for his mess...(which i do think at times was justified...)like my mother went crazy at us...as maybe subconsciously...that way i felt better about myself...i was on top...not the one in trouble.

I want to know what this flashback is about...
Why i can't go out there when a new person comes in and why i couldn't before her, because cant walk into a room of people.

Thanks a lot for your reply.

[Sienna]

Dee, thanks for your reply too and for sharing what helped you and also for your suggestions.
I was on anti depressants before..when i lived in a shared house in the past..and this problem was still the same.
I don't know if anything would stop the thoughts about what people are thinking of me.

As for letting someone know..im not sure i can with the one person who seems...more friendly.
I ended up telling my housemates in the past...but it didnt help.
I find it hard to let others in and when the fear is here, i cant go out there.

I do want to stand on my own two feet. and i have been doing that, as i have no parents who are supportive, so i have to figure life out myself.
I just...cant even get started when it comes to this, which is why i would like some help.
I was not able to overcome this in the past in shared accommodation.

I don't know if your saying to not ask for help..if there is anyone to ask..or if there is anything they can do...i think sometimes we need a nudge.
I hope you can receive some support for whatever it is that you need some help with, and if not, i hope you can accomplish what you need to.

[Sienna]

Thank you Three Roses.
I know i must eat. Im eating snack food but its not enough and its not good for my body and yes, my blood sugar is effected.
I just don't know how to eat.

Do you have any suggestions of how to start small?

[Dee]

I was confusing, sorry.  What I meant was ask for help, but don't expect a rescue.  It isn't the same thing.  I was referring to when you said you need/want someone to come and take you away.

As far as meds go, sometimes it takes several tries to find the right one.

[sanmagic7]

hey, sienna,

i also think meds might help.  you might have been on an anti-depressant in the past that didn't 'fit' for you.  there are a lot of different kinds out there, and sometimes we need to keep trying one or another until we find one that works.   plus, it sounds like some sort of anti-anxiety medication may help calm you down, ease the shame and fear so that you are able to feel better about being around people and allow yourself to eat.  one baby step at a time.  you're worth it.

[Dee]

My antidepressant is also an anti-anxiety medication.  Because I was on meds and told my sister how much better I feel she went to her general practitioner and got on them herself.  She has thanked me over and over for giving her the courage.  She said it is huge, especially with anxiety.  She only wishes she tried this years ago.  I tried one, it didn't work.  Then I was on one for just over a year and it stopped working.  Now I am on a third and I am feeling better again.  It doesn't take away life's problems and isn't a cure-all, but it does help you get in a place where you can work through it.

[Sienna]

Thanks Dee, i understand now. I thought that was what you were referring to.
I just mean...I feel so stuck. I know that know one can make me feel better or fix this for me because there is not quick fix for this stuff, and if someone else did it for me, it wouldnt be genuine.
I meant which i didnt say..that i just want a break because its taking its toll on my health and energy.

[Sienna]

San magic...thank you. I will speak to my T about them.
I thought they fitted-the meds but I thought when i came off them that it was just dissociation that kept me from feeling fully...
I mean, maybe meds are meant to tempera rally fix things so much that the paranoid thoughts about what others are thinking and the outer critic etc./inner critic is meant to stop- and not just the feeling of anxiety.
I don't know. I thought meds would never fix the voices in my head if you know what i mean, and i think my anxiety is cased partly by those thoughts...so i thought that meds wouldnt help even temp use because the voices would still be there...

It makes sense if it will help me eat and be more.. *normal*.
Thank you for your thoughts...

[Sienna]

My antidepressant is also an anti-anxiety medication.  Because I was on meds and told my sister how much better I feel she went to her general practitioner and got on them herself.  She has thanked me over and over for giving her the courage.  She said it is huge, especially with anxiety.  She only wishes she tried this years ago.  I tried one, it didn't work.  Then I was on one for just over a year and it stopped working.  Now I am on a third and I am feeling better again.  It doesn't take away life's problems and isn't a cure-all, but it does help you get in a place where you can work through it.

Thats so great Dee that you found something that works for you, your sister too.

Trigger Warning...


I think my worry is that, whilst i don't want to feel this, I'm afraid i wont be able to work on stuff in therapy if i just don't feel the anxiety or shame anymore.
But maybe whats more important right now...is eating. And i want this fear of what others think and my sneaking around to go away.
And my worry too is...what if its true...all the things I'm *convinced* that everybody else thinks about me? If i went on meds- good for me- if it dulls out the pain of this...and sure, i didnt ask to be born etc etc. but...what if i don't feel this stuff anymore...and I'm just bumbling about in the world feeling just fine...when really everyone is thinking bad things ...maybe I'm just afraid that if i felt ok that people wouldnt like it, i cant be myself...etc etc.
but, if i really didnt feel and didnt care, then I'm good...

I will think about it. in fact, i will talk to my T about it. 

[Whobuddy]

Sienna, sorry I have not been online for a couple of days so I am just now catching up. I hope things are getting better with you.

I was wondering if you could work on a temporary solution about the eating. Maybe get permission to eat at times others are not around until you get through this. Without food, your blood sugar will not allow you much progress emotionally. Also, it is probably contributing to a feeling of not being taken care of - such a common feeling for those of us with cptsd.

Personally, I finally got bold enough to ask my T if I could text him and he said I could. I have only done this once but he texted back and now I feel much comfort that he is as close as my phone to me in case I need help. Just the thought of this is helping me deal with daily traumas and EFs. Maybe you could work out something similar with your T.

[Sienna]

Hey Whobuddy,
Its totally ok that you havent been on line. I hope your ok.
And thanks a lot, for letting me know what you think might help...
I did used to eat late when others weren't around, only now there someone always around till the late hours.

Im not sure if i felt not taken care of in the beginning of this *food thing*, maybe but i don't remember. Sub consciously it could be. Its like i feel nothing about it, until yesterday in therapy when i broke down crying..very unexpected and i wish it never happened.

Im very glad your T said you can call him/her, and good for you for asking. Must have taken a lot of courage.
There is no way i can ask that of my T. I cant be open with her either, and yesterdays session i couldnt tell her properly about what has been happening. I don't think she cares about my weight loss. Thank you for suggesting it.
Its just me and -....me. I have battled this before alone, so i can do it now. I guess i just don't want to have to.