How do I avoid triggers without avoiding the situation?

[Manchesterford]

Situation in a nutshell. Separated from BPD partner who requested a divorce (third time in 2 years) in April. As ever request comes with certainty and then in the weeks / months that follow she isn't sure, still loves me, doesn't know. She is having DBT. We are living apart. We met in October to discuss and it made me ill. I was in tears for around 2 days. She was distant and non committal. This triggered abandonment stuff  and I was left broken. I said I couldn't talk again until I was stronger and we agreed before Christmas. Message from her today checking back in and once again I am a mess.

I am scared to meet in case she says it is over permanently. Because seeing her makes me feel small and needy. Because I dont feel that we should be making life changing decisions just now. Because I know she loves me.

How do I deal with this situation when just the thought of arranging a discussion breaks me? How do I avoid triggers without avoiding the situation?

I could really sue your advice and support x

[Three Roses]

Being in the midst of a triggering situation but not getting triggered is possible, but not easy. It takes a lot of practice! Practicing mindfulness is one way, which is "a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique".

I'm wondering if you have a friend that you can meet with before and after?  That would help me... not sure if you'd find it helpful. Let us know how things go.

[Kizzie]

What about waiting until you feel you are ready? It would give you both some time and space as it sounds like you are both working on yourselves and that maybe now is not the best time to meet. 

Another option now or later might be couples counseling so you have more of a level playing field and positive support for both of you. 

Just some thoughts - hope they're helpful 

[Manchesterford]

Thank you both. I've decided to postpone and write instead. I'm not strong enough and I think it's better this way. Thank you for your support x