excusing others

[sanmagic7]

as i'm going through the grieving process of letting go of my friend of 20 yrs., i found myself wanting to make excuses for her behavior - again.  she has c-ptsd and lots of issues, and i've excused a lot of what she's said and done in our relationship because i knew she was hurting and in pain.  i started wavering on possibly bringing her back into my life little by little with an attempt to explain why i reacted the way i did (i'm feeling a bit better the past 2 days, a little more energy).

just now, as i'm writing, it struck me that this is exactly what addicts do - they get rid of their drug of choice because it had begun making them feel so badly, then, after a period of time, with some food and rest, they believe they can go back to their drug of choice (in this case, it would be my relationship with her) thinking that this time they can handle it, this time it'll be different, that somehow it won't hurt them the same way this time.

i've excused peoples' behaviors and words toward me with a variety of reasons - their upbringing, how they were taught, they were sick, they didn't know better, they've also been hurt/traumatized - and swallowed their bad behaviors believing that i can take it and show them they are lovable, they're good people, i love/like them in spite of their 'faults' (abuse toward me), that i accept them unconditionally.  all the while, in the back of my mind, i was hoping that they'd 'get it' from my so-called role modeling and i would get the same consideration in return.  that i would be loved and accepted even when i wasn't perfect.

in these relationships, i was always thinking of the best, most loving, caring, kind thing to do or say.  i thought i was setting an example for how i wanted to be treated.  somehow, it never worked.  those people, including this friend, continued with their expectations of me to stay kind and caring no matter what they did.  they didn't change their ways.  it's like the drug.  the drug never changes.  food, exercise, drugs, alcohol, tv - whatever one's drug of choice, including abusive relationships, won't change.  it's a reality that i've known from other addictions.

this relationship lasted 20 yrs.  i drank for 20 yrs., smoked for 20 yrs., overate even longer, and went from one bad relationship to another, several lasting 20 yrs. or more (over 30 yrs. w/ my daughter).  whew, a big sigh just escaped.  i must've hit a truth here.  i got really anxious today because her birthday is coming up, and it was always a big deal for her because it's dec. 24th, and it would always get lost in her family because of christmas.  so, as long as we were together, i tried to make up for all the dismissals of her birthday by making a big deal of it, whether we were together in the same town or across country. 

the idea of wishing her a happy birthday crossed my mind - it's the big 6-0 this year.  i've already told her that i was too sick to get over or discuss this last incident between us, but today, feeling a little bit stronger, i wanted to do something nice for her, dip my toe back into the addiction, so to speak.  because i didn't acknowledge the death of her one-time love from here last week, i can see where i'd be setting myself up for all kinds of abusive mayhem from her.

so, no.  i don't want this kind of person in my life at any price.  she may be going thru *, but so am i, and i didn't see her reaching out a caring hand to me when i wrote her about how i felt about what she'd done.  she DARVO'd me instead (love that acronym).  she's got a lot of issues that i've put up with, cared about, cared for her while she was going thru bad times, always excusing them because of her terrible upbringing, etc., that she'd gone thru.  her response to me showed me that the drug hasn't changed, and i have no obligation to go anywhere near it.  my anxiety is based on guilt of not being a good friend. 

i was a great friend with booze, cigs, food - never let them down, always reached for them in good times and bad.  we'd celebrate together and commiserate together.  but they never changed, and my life was not made better because of them.  i'm now looking at my friend the same way.  my chest is hurting, so i know i'm afraid of this attitude, afraid of standing my ground, afraid of taking care of me first, afraid of hurting her.  i' m very afraid that some relationship police will jump out of the sky and put me on the rack for not taking care of her in her time of need.  it's always been my job before, and i'm scared of quitting it.  still, i know that if i even put a toe back in there, i will be the one to get hurt, no matter how well-meaning, warm, loving, and sincere my intentions.  the drug doesn't change. 

i don't have to make excuses for her behavior anymore.   or anyone's.  abuse is abuse, and i don't have to allow it anymore.  that's the greatest thing about being an adult, to my mind.  i don't have to take it, not from anyone, no matter their circumstances or their past.  i've worked hard to get rid of my abusive behaviors toward others.  they deserve to do their own work as well.  another sigh.  i believe i can now let her be.

[Dee]

My therapist tells me to always ask if this contact will build me up or tear me down.  I sometimes choose contact that will tear me down, sometimes it is complicated, but she is right.  I think we can support people, have compassion, without them tearing us down.  If they tear us down we need to question that.

For example, I really feel the contact I have here builds me up.  We all have issues or we wouldn't be here, but even so it builds me up.  My ex husband tears me down.

Food for thought....

[radical]

It took me a long time to get to the place you describe, but I don't regret it, even though I'm still finding my feet with this.

For me, the consequences of allowing abusive people into my heart have been hugely damaging.  I can recognise their good reasons and good qualities from afar, and save my respect, compassion and caring for people capable of respect, compassion and caring in return.  It's not about expecting perfection.  I recognise that I have a weakness in allowing hurtful, exploitative and outright abusive behaviour.  People with much better and stronger boundaries might be able to keep safe, I can't.  I matter - you matter, SM. 

I'm not saying it is a choice anyone should make, but I do applaud you for valuing yourself, your feelings, dreams and needs, a little bit more than those of people who repeatedly hurt and can't or wont stop.

[sanmagic7]

thank you both for your responses.  most of my ability to make this decision has come out of survival mode, pure and simple.  with my adrenals on the blink, and my body not tolerating the traditional means of treatment - steroids - i have to go natural, which means a change of diet (basically paleo) and as little stress as possible in my life, along with as much rest, sleep, and relaxation i can cram into the day.  to realize how stressful this relationship has been, and continues to be, was a mitigating factor in making my decision.   the more stress in my life, the more quickly my body will cease functioning.  it's really that cut and dried for me now.  i don't have time to deal with other peoples' crap when it's aimed at me.  literally, don't have the time.

dee, you are absolutely right.  people on this forum are going thru horrendous situations, but when i'm messy, whiny, complaining, emotional, angry - whatever way i am that is not perfect - the people here have taken time and energy to build me up rather than tear me down.  if perfect strangers can do that, why not someone w/ whom i've had a relationship for 20 yrs?   in another post, you mentioned virtual friends.  these people have been more 'friends' than some people in my real life.  and, i know now, in order to keep my life going as long as possible, those other people have to go.  even writing about this gives me anxiety, so i'll stop.

and, radical, thank you for your support and understanding.  i love what you said about saving your good feelings for those who give good feelings back.  that makes so much sense to me, and well said.  i've always allowed other people to be less than perfect - i'm now only allowing those who allow me the same consideration to be part of my life.   it's my life on the line now.  i don't have time to play those games anymore.  i tolerated it as long as i could. 

in my final email to her, i told her that it seemed that we had a situation that i was incapable of either exploring or getting over right now.  my health had rapidly deteriorated in the past 2 months, and i would get back to her when i'm cured, that my hub is available for anything she needs to know.  i have noticed that she hasn't asked him how i'm doing - red flag?  wow - i just realized that.  methinks i may have made the right decision.

i don't know that i'll ever be cured, but i'll deal with it when it comes to that.  for now, no contact.  i can't afford it.  my hub told me that he would deal with anything she may say or send.  he's a keeper.   just like all of you.  i'm smiling and grateful.

[Three Roses]

the people here have taken time and energy to build me up rather than tear me down.  if perfect strangers can do that, why not someone w/ whom i've had a relationship for 20 yrs?

[AncientSoul]

Wish I had the answers. I can see you've come a long way. What I've been asking myself is "What is right for me and my own happiness?" What feels good and what does not? Wish I had the answers, but we're all talking to each other in this forum and that has been a tremendous and healing path towards understanding.

I believe the people on here are all worth it. You're worth it. That is after reading so many posts. Makes me feel good and proud of the people here willing to share and open up.

My two cents.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, again, 3 roses, for that acknowledgment of something that should seem so straightforward, yet took me all this time to figure out.  right on (fist in the air)!

ancient soul, finding those answers for ourselves does take time, thought, patience, clarity, and, in my case, a lot of support, validation, and acknowledgment.  your two cents was worth a million dollars to me.  thanks.  we are worth it, dammit!  not a penny less!