My file

[meursault]

So I requested my file from the local government mental health Centre a while ago and it came today.

They sure don't say much that's relevant, but a few things were kind of interesting.  Ive never told them about growing up except that it was hard and messed me up, except the second last time I let the psych read a brief synopsis, but he said he just skimmed it and said "I see your dad was abusive" yet in the synopsis I even said my dad was the good one, and it was mostly about my mom and stuff with my sisters.  He admitted he didnt really read it.  Anyhow, every time I've been in there is a comment of "trauma: physical, sexual, and emotional abuse as child".  I must have some pretty obvious behaviours common to that for it to keep showing up.

There have also been a couple that just said "personality disorder" which was expanded on in one with "chronic suicidality".

For the most part, they tend to have nothing that is actually relevant to the turmoil I experience.  "Emotionally dysregulated" "decompensating" etc.  How inadequate...

Kond of sobering, but a few had "appears much older than actual age"...

Most had highly intelligent and good insight.

On the whole, it wasn't really worth getting.  There was no.insight and nothing I think would help me.  Every assessment had ptsd, depression,  generalized anxiety disorder, but occasionally there were other diagnoses of alcohol abuse, and social phobia.

Anyhow, I was kind of hoping for something a little more illuminating.

Meursault

[radical]

Phew,

You're a braver one than me, voluntarily reading your file.

I had to read such files for my legal case.  at the time I was horrified by the multiple factual errors about everything under the sun, and logical contradictions.  It's frightening that medical records can be considered legal documents about your life.  It reminds me of the old joke of a patient talking telling a doctor that she has two children.  The doctor (holding her file) and replys sternly, "are you sure?, it says here you have five".

I found it harrowing.  It's awful to read about yourself as a "case" rather than a person.  I felt I had to reassure myself that I was still a person.  A case file reduces a person to a pick and mix of pathology and particular facts that someone else deems important.  If you are lucky some of them are true and not imagined, misheard, misunderstood or mixed up with someone else.

The worst thing is that the file is often then passed on to another practitioner and the errors are reproduced, sometimes even have new distortions added, to take on a life of their own, like a game of medical Chinese whispers.  I hope you didn't take any of it to heart.

[meursault]

You're right how ridiculousness is to have that considered something that would be valid in a court.  It was full of incorrect details.  For instance on one occasion I mentioned sitting on my fire escape crying and then I went back into my apartment with suicidal.intentions, but went to hospital instead.  The description had: "suicide plan: jump from fire escape of hospital."  Mostly that stuff just made me sad.  When I showed up at tye hospital, I was in a terrible crisis states, and my "presenting issue" was reduced to some similar misunderstanding, with the wrong focus compounding it, pretty much every time.

It's kind of messed up that in every case, with all these documents riddled with atrocious spelling errors, wrong and incomplete information, the writer invariably knew that there could eventually be optics on this, since the death of my dad was always central, and it would be possible that everything could eventually end up in the hands of the legal system.

The comment of "personality disorder"  bugs me a bit.  Clearly they don't have an actual personality disorder diagnosed or it would say, but rather than look at it like I was overwhelmed by a situation ANYONE would be overwhelmed by, they felt the need to pathologize and categorize for their convenience.

Really it's no wonder I could never get help.  They are quite simply wrong in their understanding of me.  The lens they look through makes ME invisible.  They would get some of the important emotional stuff correct but their real world detail of what brought me into crisis was invariably lacking.

It was amazing how much of it is covering their own backs as well.

Meursault

[Dee]

I have read mine for my disability claim and minus a few minor errors it was correct.  However, I know a person who every time she goes she has them print the notes from the last appointment.  The next time she goes back she has them correct any mistakes that are made.  For her it is important because she still has claims to be made.

I think it is hard, but a patient right and perhaps responsibility to make sure it is accurate.  I tell my kids it is their responsibility to review their graded assignments and make sure there are no mistakes; if so they have to get it corrected.  However, I admit, I would find it very difficult to say their are mistakes.  I suppose it comes down to what is the importance of the notes.  Personally, reading my notes is very triggering.  I can feel confident that my care providers are for the most part accurate in what they write.

By the way, I hate that they assess if I look my age or not.  I also hate that they assess my intelligence. My insight has been poor, fair, and good depending on the day.