New here

[lizardguy]

Hi

I thought I'd join the forum as I'm certain I have C-PTSD and I was hoping I'd feel some encouragement by being connected to others in the same boat.

I'm in my mid 20's, live with my mother and have never been fit to live independently, I think, as from my late teens I've had depression, anxiety and a brain fog that built up and made it hard to learn and memorize anything. I see traits of BPD in me aswell, and for a long time now I've been struggling to have any kind of routine and productivity in my days. I'm always exhausted and the fog in my mind is sometimes so bad it's hard to even form sentences when speaking, and very hard to focus on reading and learning anything. I'm getting desperate as every time I have tried to pick myself up, ease into some knd of daily routine, it's fallen apart and I've ended up exhausted for some time.

I've had bulimia, binge-eaten, self harmed, drank heavily earlier this year for months (I've stopped completely now). When I've felt at my worst during the last 5 years I've had a few times of hallucinations when falling/waking from sleep (flashes of light and hearing my mothers voice yell at me). I have some self-help books but it feels discouraging to read when my mind just can't retain much new information, and I'll feel I won't really believe it anyway, as it's too good to be true about me. It's very hard for me to feel self worth. I somehow think that I could feel better about myself if I could be convinced that I was truly abused and that my weakness today is not at all who I was supposed to be. I'm just a mess, I don't socialize at all and every day is awful. Earlier this year for some months I was the most anxious I've ever been, and I was sure there was no escape from suicide. Since then I've had physical symptoms of shaking, twitchy movements, severe brain fog and slurry speech, but I have some hope again. Maybe I should try to write about my past as how I think it was.

Thanks for reading.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to the forum, lizardguy! I'm glad you're here.

I've been diagnosed with an underactive thyroid and have some of the symptoms you've listed - very low energy, fuzzy thinking, difficulty concentrating, slurred speech. I'm wondering if you've had your blood checked recently?

A common question people have is, "What if no one ever physically abused me?" But, neglect & abandonment are some of the things that can cause cptsd.

In any case, you are the best judge if you were abused/neglected or not. Thanks for joining here and adding your voice to ours! 

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Lizardguy     It sounds like you are having a really tough time so hopefully it will help to come here and talk about the reasons you have CPTSD and maybe figure out some strategies for recovering. 

I have to agree with Three Roses that it may be worthwhile to have a physical exam and lab work done as it may be that in addition to your Complex PTSD some physical problems are going on.  We do have a symptom tracker form under "Resources" and then "Downloads" - if you can summon up the energy (I know it's hard when you're struggling), maybe keep track for a few days or a week and take it with you to the doctor.  There are also some other information sheets there, one for GPs (they are not always in the know about Complex PTSD) which you might want to take also.  Do you have a therapist?  If not that might be another thing to discuss with your GP. 

I say all this because a few years back I was in a similar situation.  I was barely functioning, having trouble getting out of bed,  and drinking heavily to numb out.  I finally reached out to my GP and she sent me to a psychiatrist and addictions councilor which put me on the path to recovering. 

Posting here also helped me a lot, so I hope it's the same for you. Glad you found your way here 

[lizardguy]

Thank you for your replies. 

I've looked up thyroid problems but the blood tests I had taken during summer shows all is fine except for low vit D. The brain fog seems to be connected with stress levels, however in my teens when it became bad enough for me to notice it as a big problem I also had an eye infection, and when that healed it just never went away completely, and ever since I've had slightly irritated mucus membranes around my eyes. Since my early teens I've had IBS.

About the past, I'm confused about blaming myself or feeling maybe it's not my fault I became this messed up. When in therapy 2 years ago a therapist really didn't trust me about the past and I still have breakdowns and feel confused/shocked about it, so I'm scared of therapists and doctors.

I'll look up the symptom tracker. Right now many of my problems is probably becouse of my bad daily habits. I have supplements and know what's good to eat, if I could just stick with it.

Sorry if this message is a little disjointed, I'm having a hard time focusing. Well I just don't know how to move forward. I have suicidal thoughts at times but still the thought of going to therapy is terrifying. I just can't take it if it hurts me again.

[Three Roses]

Having a therapist not believe you is one of the worst feelings. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Kizzie]

Sorry you were not believed, that is such an emotional blow and I am sorry that happened to you. 

If/when you do feel able to reach out and find someone better, there are sites like RateMDs (https://www.ratemds.com) which have reviews of physicians and other medical professionals such as psychologists that might be helpful.  If someone has a lot of good reviews (e.g., this doctor is very approachable, empathetic and knowledgeable), it could be worth taking a chance on seeing them at some point.  Not all medical professionals are invalidating, but unfortunately we sometimes have to work to find them.  I used the above site to find a new dentist when we moved and he helped me finally get over a lifelong phobia about dentists he was that good. 

I hope being here helps you to not feel so alone in struggling with CPTSD

[lizardguy]

Thank you for the replies, I appreciate it.

I don't live in USA but thanks for the thought anyway. I have started to look for a therapist however. Someone I chatted with said many problems I have right now is becouse I havent had my abuse validated...I was thinking that it would then be a good idea perhaps to have my written down memories as I remember it looked at by someone who understand these sort of things. Is this a good place you think?

[Three Roses]

Yes, this forum is an excellent place to get validation of your feelings, past abuse, recovery efforts, etc. It all depends on if you feel comfortable putting everything out there, online, for people to read. If you don't, try reading some of the journals that already exist, and seeing if they're applicable to you and your situation. Whatever you decide, I'm in your corner, cheering for you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, lizardguy,

so glad you made it here.  i, for one, have found so much validation here for my thoughts, feelings, emotions, situations - you name it.  i've found genuinely supportive, caring, and compassionate people here.  so, in answer to your question, yes, i think this is a very good place for validation and all kinds of other positives that might help make your journey easier.

if i'm not mistaken, low vit d can contribute to depression.  i, myself, take it as a supplement  because i don't get outside to get natural vit. d from the sun.  i believe it helps my brain.   and, o my, how horrible to have that experience with a therapist.  i can relate - my first therapist made everything much worse for me.  finding the right therapist can be a matter of looking around for someone new, someone who is a good 'fit' for you.  there are good ones out there. 

so, best to you on your journey in recovery.  i hope you take care of yourself as best you can.  you're worth it, even if you don't see it right now. 

[lizardguy]

Thank you.

I'll try to take better care of myself. I've been abusing food, sugar, alcohol, quit with the drinking but still have energydrinks, candy and junk alot. Also I've decided to write down my story as I remember it. I think it would be meaningful for me to hear whatever knowledgable people have to say about what happened and my reactions to it, I'll really appreciate it.

Would it be over the top to share about my past? I don't know if it's commonly done here. I just want to hear what people think about my reactions and to feel less confused and crazy about it all.

[sanmagic7]

for me, writing stuff down just helps all the way around.  for one, it gets it out of me, ridding me of some of the poison i've been carrying around.  for another, i often am able to see things more clearly and even find realizations that i hadn't had before. 

by the by, you're not crazy.  crazy people aren't able to be coherent, and you're doing a lovely job of expressing yourself.  we're here for you.

[Three Roses]

Sharing about your past and getting feedback is definitely done here.   But please be aware, if you use the Recovery Journal section, you may not get as many responses as if you post in, say, a General Discussion section or one of the sub sections (child boards).

Reading others' recovery journals has also been helpful to me. You may find comfort there, knowing you're not alone and there are certainly those who can relate to you here.

[Kizzie]

Write on LG! 

[bring em all in]

Glad to have you here, Lizard Guy! I can relate to much of what you've written. My brain fog/low energy/depression/PTSD has been so severe I'm on disability retirement. Keep sharing and posting- it does help! As for writing a journal- I thought I couldn't remember much of significance, but once I started writing it stuff has been floating to the surface.

Good luck finding a therapist- mine is great. I wish everyone had someone as good as mine!