physical reactions

[Dee]

I spent the weekend with my primary abuser.  My the end of the weekend my lips were a mess, totally broken out.  My eyelids itched, dry and spotted red (still are).  My blood pressure spiked from 105ish/70ish to 143/92.  My HR jumped from low 60s to 87.  I felt so sick I was sure I was going to throw up at any minute.  Also, I had a lot of pelvic floor pain, like I was being stabbed with a sharp knife.

I can't get back either.  I think I have dissociated and everything is surreal.  I keep telling myself it is normal for family to visit around the holidays.  This is normal.  It isn't just one more crazy thing for the fall.  The rest was crazy, this is what families do. 

[Three Roses]

It is normal for families to visit each other around the holidays. It is not normal for family members to abuse one another.

You have every right to stop seeing people who have inflicted pain on you, and continue to negatively affect your health.

You have no need to apologize and explain, or debase yourself in the name of family when you have received such treatment.

You have every right to protect yourself as you see fit, and keep yourself from danger. to you, keep yourself safe.

[radical]

I'm not surprised your body is screaming with distress.  Nothing in the situation is normal. it is beyond everyday crazy-making.  i wouldn't blame you if you smashed into their house in a bulldozer and kept on driving through.
I hope that's not an unhelpful thing to say.
Sending you hugs across the ocean

[Dee]

I slept and I a feeling better.  I wonder how long it will take for my lips to heal, it's horrible.  This was the worse reaction I have had.  I wonder if it is because I am in therapy and more aware now.

[sanmagic7]

your body is screaming at you - maybe your lips are holding all the words, yells, screams of anguish that you couldn't let out.  i agree with everything said so far - love that bulldozer visual!!!  abuse is abuse whether it's by family, friends, or strangers, and need not be tolerated, not for a second.  i think this whole holiday thing of being expected to share 'good cheer' with abusers and people we just don't like is barbaric.  my personal opinion. 

[papillon]

I don't know your situation, but I have my own dysfunctional family as experience... it sounds like you need better boundaries with your family.

I took back my holidays a few years ago. No more fighting/manipulation/physical stress reactions. Sometimes I'm sad to not have my own family to be with, but I'm all the more thankful to have friends (a family of choice) to celebrate with.

Have you explored the potential for limiting contact with these people?

[Dee]

I do limit contact.  I haven't seen them for a year.  When I was overseas it was every three years or longer.  This time I didn't know they were coming. 

There are some outside pressures to have contact.  One I did to myself.  I never had grandparents growing up and I wanted my own kids to have the illusion of having them.  So I have made sure to see them in public every couple of years to they don't feel a void.  I would never ever stay with them or let my kids be alone with my dad.

My sister is a huge source of pressure.  When my dad went to prison she didn't talk to be for over a year.  I'm afraid if I cut my parents out, I will lose everyone.  This includes my nephews and their children.  Not only will I lose my family, so will my children.  They are the only family I have.  My sister pretty much raised me until she left when I was nine.  I have a great deal of gratitude towards her and a lot of sympathy for having the added pressure of being a mom as a child.  She isn't healthy at all and I have empathy for that too.

Honestly, and I feel awful, I am waiting for them to die.  To just suck it up until they are gone.  This way I get to keep the rest of my family.  I feel horrible wishing they would hurry up and die, but it is true.  When I had my BP taken the nurse asked if I was having one of those days.  I told her my parents are in town.  She said you are lucky to still have them, hers have passed away.  She has no idea, but she must of seen the look on my face because she gently patted my back.  Then I think she ran and told my psychiatrist before I met with him.  I think he ran and had a quick talk with my therapist and she prompted him what to discuss and what not to.  It was funny because he was instant messaging a little with someone while I was in (he never does that) and I suspect it was her.  He asked about my mom, but didn't even mention my dad.  Too triggering.

My dad spoke to me.  He has not spoken directly to me since he got out of prison.   He also defended me to my mom.

[radical]

Dee you are so, so brave.

I completely understand about the personal choice of sucking limited contact up, because it is a choice between that and being completely cut off from all family.

I had chosen being completely cut off and went back to limited contact.  Both choices are extremely painful and we shouldn't be in this position, but it's a reality.

I too am waiting for my mother to die.  I love her, but she doesn't love me and it will be much easier to not have to not have to experience the time i do spend with her.

There were some things that turned out to be somewhat healing from LC with my father.  I doubt that will be the case with my mother.

[sanmagic7]

dee, that was really some courageous honesty. 

my parents have been dead for many years.  i have no idea what it might be like if they were around, and i really don't think about it much.  i had very little contact w/ grandparents when i was growing up, so i don't even know what it's like to have that kind of relationship.  my sister cut me off more than 25 yrs. ago.  that leaves my brother as 'blood' family, and thankfully he is kind and supportive to me. 

i've made do with friends as 'family' for so long, often having 'orphan' get-togethers at the holidays for others who were away from family.   that always felt good - we were in the same boat together.  this whole family thing sometimes seems a bit weird to me - so much pressure, so many expectations.   do families ever get together joyfully?  i don't know what that feels like, or how it's played out.  i do believe that you need to do what's best for you, dee.  the rest of it will follow.

[Blueberry]

Dee, I have had quite a lot of mouth reaction: like tonsilitis pain from back in the tonsils all the way forward. That started before I collapsed, getting on for 20 years ago now. Then whether I was remembering and not daring to speak (like in therapy) or actually speaking I had this type of pain. Gradually it lessened I haven't really had much of this symptom for about 10 years but it's restarted with my realisation that I am so angry at my FOO. And that I'm not taking their behaviour towards me any more. That's not necessarily your thing. But the correlation between psychological injuries and physical pain, yes, it exists. I wish you well.

[Dee]

I wish you well too.  I am currently having some realizations with my FOO and my lips have broken out again.  We will get through it.

[Blueberry]

Yes, you're right. We will get through it. We've been through so much and survived, we will get through this too.