I can't stop myself

[pinch]

As I think of it, I keep burning the chocolate. I love chocolate, you see, I love it everyday. But if I don't burn it today, it will be tomorrow. I always burn the chocolate. My catch-22: don't leave me; you had best get far away from me. The agony of my own self-destruction. I don't understand why someone can't see past my noise and grab my hand. I know, I ask too much. My family couldn't care for me. Yet, I expect someone else to do so. Too much abuse all the way around and there is no satisfaction. I feel worthless, no good and nothing but trouble. I fail finding someone that simply says "I get you and I got you and I won't let go, don't worry so much" and means it. I ask for too much and now we'll never know; seems everyone always walks (runs!) away. It's my burden, too damaged for love. That's my basic self-view now a days. Just by way of introduction, I'm pinch.

[Wife#2]

  Know I'm here. I'm listening. I care. You matter. You are worth the effort. What you are feeling counts. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi pinch
For me it's learning to be there for me 'to start the journey of presence '
No one fills that hole not even chocolate
For me it's a spiritual journey

[pinch]

No one fills that hole not even chocolate

The hole in my heart is filled, thanks to God, yet I am still incomplete. The bible talks of one woman and one man joining together, yet even marriage is a manipulation. I am exhausted and outraged at all the superficiality and deception and deceit. Nothing is straight. Just got back from my psych appt. She barely acknowledges the very real sources of environmental stress I find myself having to address, alone, including the complete lack of safety on the outside (I am safer in commitment but its temporary and I've no intention of surrendering my freedom). No, she decides to start me down the commitment checklist "do you feel safe at home?", * NO!, but I tell her sure. I see that trap before me. That's the psych game plan. They aren't interested other than protecting their legal exposure. All my fault it seems, not the presence of untruth and insincerity everywhere I look. I told her I do not trust her and left. So long.

[bring em all in]

I think I understand the gist of the feelings you are communicating (I never say "I know how you feel" because how each person feels is very individual). In your post I see reflected my own "Get closer-stay away" thinking. I see the all-or-nothing thinking that seems to be so common for people with PTSD/adverse childhood experiences. My therapist and I discussed how my core beliefs (engrained in a rough childhood) create a prism through which I see and judge myself and others. I put myself and the world in a no-win situation.

This does not negate the truth as I see it, but it does encourage me to consider things in a different light. I find it far easier to list negative things about myself and others than positive things. Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD has excellent chapters on the inner critic (being hard on ourselves) and the outer critic (hard on others). I'd like to say I've overcome both critics, but I am far from it and know it will take time and dedication.

I would think that all therapists who work with clients with PTSD would/should acknowledge that for us the world is not a safe place and that it does not mean we are going to hurt ourselves. It means that our experiences have left us hypervigilant and fearful/avoidant of others.

I've had therapists who brushed off my interpretations/experiences of stressful situations/experiences, and have found it most helpful and reassuring now that I've found one who validates them. It's hard to validate it for ourselves when a "professional" won't.