My soap opera life possible trigger warnings

[MLG83]

I wanted to start off with putting out there that I'm not good with words the English language is quite the labor for me I know one of the rules was that you use proper grammar and punctuation I unfortunately will break that rule every time I have to use the talk to text on my phone to be able to type things out I'm hoping that the moderators will be accepting and able to help me out with this I'm starting to fluster just thinking about putting myself out there but here it is I'm going to copy and paste from a post that I put on Facebook May 27th 2012 " let me put it all out there for everybody i was born to a raging drunk and a controlling mother who constantly when they wernt hittin me mentaly or phisicly i was being raped and molested by my brother it was molestation than when i realised it was not a normal ting to do with your brother and i started saying no than it got ruffer i have been raped at knife point gun point i have had a cross bow to the top of my head while he would make me * him but i was a survivor and moved on not knowing right from wrong fully than i fell in love but it wasnt love it was sex cause that is all i knew sergio than mark than meshack than melissa who i really thought was different i was abandand by her in fl so what did i turn to websights andother bad things than i had chris move to fl we were friends but it turnes to a sexual relationship i got pregnant was going to give her up but than i am a surviver and thought having her would help me get on track but at the time i was being used by norma i moved back to ohio to my manipulating mother who thinks i should be thankful to the stars to even be alive bc "we almost both died when i was having u i am the only reason u arre on this earth" well thank u so much what a meaningless existance. So in ohio joc is 6 mos old norma decides to go back to florida and comes back at 8 mos but not for me but for my childhood best friend angie but i am a survivor when she left i had no choice but to move in with my brother yes the same brother it was that or be homeless  than i found denise it was compleatly different from the get go i felt something that i didnt even know existed we moved in than we moved to iowa got married and than denise comes out as trans to me which i have experience with men becoming women but not this it was so hard the name change the T all of it but i still loved this person just was not sure how well i finaly come around after months of greeving the loss of denise to fully love dj to have it all taken away friday with the phrase "i can forgiveve but i cant forget things that have been said im done" i moved into jocelynns room i cant live like this pretending anymore so why live at all"  that is the day I was admitted to the psych ward at Mercy Hospital I haven't physically tried to kill myself since then but I mentally play out scenarios in my head almost daily another thing that doesn't help at all is my brother and I almost look identical in the face so when I look in the mirror I see my abuser every single * time

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to you, MLG83. I am so sorry to hear about your childhood. I'm so glad you're here! Finding this forum and having others with similar experiences helped me end the life-long feeling of being other than what everyone else was. I felt left out, abandoned, rejected by every group of people that I tried to befriend. But this forum has been very accepting and informative. I hope you find the same in this forum - the support, the caring, the validation have all been incredibly helpful to me.

It is very, very painful to be triggered by your own physical appearance! This happens to me too. I'm so sorry you go thru that!

Don't worry about the punctuation & grammar rules, which are mainly just so that people will actually take the time to read your posts. Everyone's posts should always be read.  You did very well expressing yourself. Thank you for sharing your story with us, that took real courage. And, thanks for joining!

[MLG83]

My heart is beating so fast knowing that there are other people that get the same feeling when I look in the mirror it's absolutely terrifying I have some days where my anxiety is so high that I do get scared when I look in the mirror but I try to tell myself that's not him it doesn't always work that I'm not him it doesn't always work I hate but this has taken over my life not many people know  my true story even though I posted that to Facebook there are many people but I don't know if they ever read it