New here, a bit scared and intimidated

[Gkmoneer]

I'm warning you this may trigger some. I'm new here I have been pouring over the palethera of information on the Internet and finally landed here. I was diagnosed a year and a half ago with PTSD due to the sustained physical and sexual abuse suffered by me in my childhood from the age of 9-13.   I couldn't help but think this isn't just as simple as that. Then I hit on C-PTSD. It fit nearly every single aspect. My eyes felt opened. The need to please everyone, the need to dramatize every little thing to be bigger than it is. The.... The flashbacks when a friend gives you a hug that's just a little to rough. The total disconnect from the memories that you know are there but you block them out because it was easier. Till they creep in when you are at work and someone says something that he used to say. The lack of knowledge of what healthy relationship boundaries are. Everything just fit. I could use the help here as I process. And encouragement as I learn that, THAT is not love that there are other types of intimacy that yield a greater love than something only physical. For too long I thought that was what love was that Ohhh if I give him this then he will love me. I could really use to hear that I am indeed not alone.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Gkmoneer! We're glad you are here.

You most certainly are not alone; I identified with everything you said! I was diagnosed with PTSD 5 years ago but only last spring learned about CPTSD and self-diagnosed. It's been an eye opener, to say the least.

Take your time, it can be overwhelming and we have a ton of info to go thru. If you have any questions just holler! Thanks for joining.

[mourningdove]

I relate, too. You're not alone, Gkmoneer.

And welcome! 

[Gkmoneer]

I've read that children are often not believed when they try to tell someone. Does that happen a lot?  My mother didn't believe me. She interrogated me like a cop. What hand did he make you use questions like that. My predator died a year after I exposed him.  I felt like I was being let out of prison. And while I don't want him back for all the money in the world. I don't have the opportunity to tell him how much what he did hurt me. Or that I forgive him for it. Not because it was ok, it was not, but for my own peace.  I want to tell my mom that I wasn't lying. That I wasn't just doing it to get attention like I told her that night she woke me up at the age of 15in the middle of the night. Saying I have to know or this thing will put me in the nut house. It just never seems like the right time or she's too stressed out. I'm not sure what telling her this would accomplish except I would feel like I was releasing a weight. I know that it would cause her great anguish. And I NEVER want to do that. But what do I do?

[Three Roses]

Maybe try writing a letter (or letters) first, but not to send them - just to bring up all your feelings without being intimidated or thinking you have to watch how you say things.

You could write whatever you want, however you want. Get as angry as you want! And then burn it. at least that's what I do.

[Gkmoneer]

Thank you I have been trying the letter writing for other things but never for this. I was always just stuffing it back in. Telling myself I am over this. Perhaps a letter would be helpful the idea of burning it I like, as well

[Gkmoneer]

Could someone move this to the more appropriate thread space I realized this is adult developed C-PTSD. I have issues from adult issues too but I feel that this might be better served in a different thread