Shrinking the inner critic

[89abc123]

I've started really trying to process my past trauma over the past few months and have been doing a lot of inner child journaling instead of trying to avoid my feelings.

Has anyone else tried the spartan life coachs new discipline course? I've also been doing this for about 15 days now.

I don't know if it's one of these or both of these but I noticed today that my inner critic has been significantly reduced. I feel different at my core in a way that I can't explain.

I just wanted to see what other people's experience was with either one of these methods of healing is. I really want to find out what's working so well and continue it.

I'm grateful yet dumbstruck at the power of these. For the first time ever I don't hate myself?? I'm no where near on top of cptsd but I'm just...different. Anyone else experienced something similar?

[sanmagic7]

i haven't tried spartan life coach, but have done a lot of journaling over the years, and it's helped me tremendously.  writing has always been a means of clarification, realization, and ridding myself of the poison that's been held inside for so long.

i recently posted my story of adult onset c-ptsd, and it was what, i believe, pushed me through that last doorway out of *.  since the posting, i do, like you, 89, feel different at my core.  it's like i can finally see and be me much more freely than ever before, like the battle to be me has stopped and i can now get some rest and physical healing done. 

maybe it's one or the other for you, maybe it's a combo.  i'm just glad that it's helping you so much.  yay!

[89abc123]

Thankyou for your reply!

With cptsd it's always a few steps forward then a few steps back. The sad reality of that is that I never trust my 'highs'. When I feel like I'm getting somewhere I start thinking 'this is temporary' and just sit back and wait for the crash. I think that's why so many of us struggle to gain momentum.

I'm starting to think it might be the spartan life coachs course. I'm into my third and final week and damn I don't just feel good...or better...I feel absolutely unstoppable. I'm actually for the first time ever feeling some self worth. Some self respect. This is honestly unheard of for me. I'm a meek timid little people pleaser who always gets bullied. I've had a bully at my current job and just this past week I can just feel the dynamic changing. I'm firing back comebacks at her AND not dropping into an emotional reaction at the things she's saying. I can feel her backing off a bit. I don't function very well socially, but I'm starting to get a few colleagues on my side and one of them pulled me aside today and told me he'd had a word with the boss about what he's seen go on and that the boss is impressed with my work and doesn't agree with the horrible things this girl says behind my back.

Even now I'm not dwelling on what she's been saying behind my back. I'm not believing her words (my inner critic would have had a * field day in the past). I'm genuinely fighting my corner because I actually believe I'm worth fighting for.

I'm so happy and proud of myself. I just am so confused at the sudden change. I wanted to see if other people experienced transformation like this because I'm paranoid I'm having some kind of manic episode (I've never had mania before, so this paranoia could still be the inner critic at work?? Not sure).

Any thoughts?

[sanmagic7]

i'm happy and proud for you, too!  that is so great!  good for you!

i believe some of the paranoia may stem from our past - things go well then the rug gets pulled out from under us without a moment's notice, and we learn not to trust that the positive in our lives will stick around.  i'm still feeling better, both physically and emotionally, and having hope now of things continuing to well for the future.  that's a new one for me - hope is a new experience.

i hope you can continue to stand up for yourself and enjoy this new being you're experiencing.  this positive that you're feeling is built on a firm foundation, and you're the one in charge of your life this time, not someone else.  big difference.  onward!!!  big hug!

[89abc123]

Thankyou so much for your supportive replies!!

I struggle a lot with self defeating behaviours. Even reading back over my post, my confusion over simply feeling good shows how foreign the feeling is to me.

Another insight to bring up with my therapist.

I've almost finished the spartan life coach course I only have 3 days to go, but I'm going to do it again once it finishes because I can already feel myself going back to old habits with my thinking patterns.

Onwards for all of us Sanmagic!

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

weird how those old patterns are so quick to want to run back in and rule our world.  i think that's part of the mindfulness that i've read about - a way to stay vigilant against them.  when i find my mind straying there, i either yell stop! stop! or start repeating restful and relaxing messages to myself to crowd them out.  i swear, never a dull moment!  big hug to you!