The longer version

[JamesG]

I wrote this out as an exercise and thought I'd post. Bit long so run now!

I'm 50. The issues probably start young.

My parents were both fine but my brother wasn't. He has a narcissistic personality disorder (I know now) which meant some fairly heavy psychological abuse when we were kids, something I didn't think was anything other than normal at the time. Looking back it is clear that it shaped me pretty comprehensively, giving me noticeable co-dependant traits.

My parents had huge issues with him, especially my father. Dad was ill, he'd had 2 heart attacks and my brother kept up a wave of psychological abuse at him until he left home, or rather dad threw him out after a particularly bad attack on my mother. Mom was badly co-dependant with my brother, something that was to prove significant later.

Dad died aged 55 in the late 80s, just about the time we'd both left college. My brother and I shared a lot of common friends and this became a bit of a playground for my brother once things started getting difficult for him with his own work. He had very lofty ideas about what he could do and when these invariably failed, he'd take shots at me, usually through these mutual friends. I couldn't make any sense of these. Some were pretty extreme, for instance I was once assaulted coming back from a friends house one night. I wasn't badly hurt but I was very badly shaken and my brother decided there was mileage in informing everyone I'd made it up. He also told everyone that I'd behaved badly at my father's funeral, something that had no foundation whatsoever, tho he had been pretty rough on mom during the event himself. Transference I think it's called. There was a lot of this stuff and I think it must have shot my confidence to pieces because it made me very awkward around people that shared a connection. This ultimately led to me turning away from my oldest friends because some were starting to act on my brother's lobbying and I found that very difficult to weather.

This led to the first long term estrangement, about 8 years. I went to live in another city until I split with my long-term partner and much against my better judgment, got in touch. I should point out at this point that my brother and his wife had moved in with mom. This 'temporary' set up lasted 12 years during which my brother worked little, blocked me from the house and was hugely abusive in his attitude to my mom. He treated her very badly, refusing to eat in the same room, filtering money from her and deliberately running her down to her face on a daily basis. Mom did little if anything to defend herself, concentrating on the granddaughter they had with them. When she did come close to putting her foot down, she was told that if she asked them to leave, she would never see her grand daughter again. Mom glossed over this stuff but it was clear that she was being badly run into the ground. Over the 12 years, considering she'd been newly widowed at the start, she lost all her confidence and became a willing conduit for my brother's attacks on me. Because I was nice to her she tended to see that as an invitation to lobby me to behave in the same co-dependant way and I had to get pretty short with her to insist that this would not happen. This became more important after my split when my brother went to some trouble to attack me through some people I'd known in the city where I'd been living. It had been a difficult year following this split and I dropped my guard, getting entangled with a few rather complex people. Stupidly I introduced them and sure enough, once he was certain it would have maximum effect, he used it. This came via a work connection I gave him in this city (he has huge issues getting his own work, not great in the self employed) and I asked him to please not get in touch with any of the people I new there while the thing was in progress. Sure enough, no sooner had he got there than he did just that and phoned me to taunt me with it. I was incredulous at this because the way it had happened made it pretty clear he'd planned it in some detail beforehand and the way he told me was downright psychotic. I was stunned by this. Up to this point I'd just tried to pass it all off as a difference in character but it was clear from this point that he was more than just different. That was just too much for me and I dropped him like a stone. My intention was to keep him as far away as possible.

So, I ended up with my last girlfriend, a very smart woman and we were pretty happy. Mom came to visit but I wouldn't go anywhere near her home, where they all lived. Thankfully my brother finally moved out and Mom had the house back. However, she was very damaged and she was not good on her own. She had few friends left and once she stopped teaching, her life's passion, she went into bit of a decline. My brother's marriage then started to hit the rocks.

Mom was now 75. Very reluctantly I went to her 75th birthday party and established contact, this was mainly because I felt strong enough in my own life to handle it but also because there was now a growing danger that my brother could move back, sans wife. Then sure enough, he did. This had been my nightmare scenario, I knew he'd fleece mom on every occasion and he'd be as abusive as ever, if not worse. Sure enough, he arrived and put huge strain on mom and I, because I had no choice, went down to make my presence felt. He was prowling around aggressively, ignoring mom's attempts to support him and acting very oddly. The manner of his wife's infidelity came out rather spectacularly because the other guy's wife had hacked his email and she ended up meeting Brother to pass the entire folder of material to Brother as an act of revenge. Needless to say, there was a heap of embarrassing and lewd stuff in that collection, stuff my mother would have been better off not seeing. Brother showed her the lot.

Mom has a stroke.

Now, girlfriend and I had been pretty happy up to this point. She was not the most warm of people but in her way she was very sweet. But she liked her wine, had a mother who'd bullied her pretty severely as a child and there were cracks in her usually very logical self. She was stubborn and self determined and I think that would never have cracked if the following events hadn't happened. I also am self-employed, very intensive work and another component in what came next.

Mom's stroke made it pretty clear that she was not going to be able to live alone. Needless to say, Brother had no intention of being her support despite having taken so much from her in the past and the only viable option was for mom to come to be near me and my girlfriend. With his eye on mom's assets, Brother pressured mom about her living with girlfriend and this began to cause lots of issues. At one point mom sent a letter to girlfriend asking her to convert the ground floor into a granny flat, a rather expansive plan that she'd clearly been told to write. Girlfriend went crazy and felt very under siege. It was her house, we never broke from that line and I was happy with that arrangement. This threw all this into uproar because girlfriend felt pressured and I think it also dug up all her issues with her own mother who'd only died a few years earlier. Things came to a head when Mom finally sold the house, a long drawn out affair that my brother had dragged out. It should be noted here that my brother was now in a relationship with his ex wife's lover's ex wife and was going to move in with her and her two children. I'll let that  one sink in! He made it pretty clear he didn't want her kids there and dragged the sale out, I think, so that he could wait until this woman edged them out at his urging. Ugly stuff and extremely unfair on all the kids involved. They have little in common but revenge. He refuse point blank to do any cosmetic repairs to the house, kept his old sick dog there which made it smell and blocked Mom and I from getting in any DIY to fix it up. The price dropped by 40k before it sold. I say sold, we emptied it and had mom ready to go direct into sheltered accommodation near us when the damn sale fell through. So... now I have a sick, depressed and bitter old lady leaving her home town, her house of 25 years and nowhere to put her but our house. This was an instant battleground of course. Brother poured on the guilt tripping at me and girlfriend, Mom picked it up and ran with it and girlfriend went into full defensive posture. Her reaction, I realize now, was to drink. I was slap in the middle. The stress was unreal. I just went into a sort of dazed comedy routine where I appeared outwardly calm but was really suffering inside. I was instantly isolated. Meanwhile I am trying to hold down my work. My own drinking increased, no surprise there.

By an absolute fluke, next to our house, a ground floor flat popped up to rent. Literally next door. I was on it like a shot. Now it was a question of riding it out until the house sold and a new flat came up for mom in sheltered accommodation. This took 6 months. This lost Mom's estate another 6k, and then another 10k off the house price to ensure a quick sale. Oh, and mom slung brother at least another 10k during this period. To prevent more losses, and as Mom finally went into sheltered housing, I put my foot down and insisted I had power of attorney. This caused yet another round of battles, but there was just no choice, if Mom lost her last reserves and went into a more intensive care situation, she'd have nothing to play with and you can be certain that Brother would have not had a bean. I should also point out by this time I had given him contacts to do his own work; to the tune of 50K, work I should have been doing I might add.

I was now jammed in a bad corner. Girlfriend was becoming more and more awkward with me and pushing me to be harder on mom. It was unrealistic because Mom was now my responsibility and post stroke was suffering badly from depression. Much of this had been stoked up by my brother and he was painting girlfriend as the wicked witch over not having mom in the house, despite the fact that on practical terms, it just wouldn't have been feasible having too many stairs, etc. Neither mom or Brother cared about the practicalities, it was all fairly basic emotional stuff and girlfriend made an easy target. Mom was very hard work, I had to take her everywhere, including counseling, dentists, physio and a wealth of other things. She was very lazy about her own things and yet resisted help whenever it was suggested. I now think that this is clear co-dependant behavior, I feel she was robbed of her confidence and pride and she had just given up. Still it fell on me very heavily. The counseling, through the NHS, ran to 8 sessions and around the 7th the counselor asked me to come in. I think she was keen to see if I was the same as my brother. It was interesting to say the least. She quickly realized that I was not just ok, but I was doing a huge amount to settle things down and she somewhat rounded on my mom about her ongoing campaign to force me into contact with him. The big thing though was her fixing my brother as having a narcissistic personality disorder.

Now I was aware of the term but I've tended to shy away from psychology as a subject. I'd always been told it was psychobabble but once I got home and dig some digging, everything fell into place. The list of traits is a perfect match. Uncannily so. At this point I finally realized what I'd been up against all these years and it took off a whole bunch of pressure I'd been laboring under. I mean there's just no defeating or reconciliation to be had is there? Still, Mom, despite a promising start, did not put two and two together. All this did was make her feel more sorry for the cuckoo and it became an ongoing narrative that 'poor Brother' was a misunderstood innocent who needed my help. I just couldn't get her to stop this litany and it meant that I had it every time I saw her. Nothing I did for her seemed to count. I'd see her at least once a day on top of my schedules and yet it was hardly recognized. She'd then tell Brother that I never saw her which naturally got broadcast to the world as a fact.

And of course, meanwhile I'm getting estranged at home. After a year of this Girlfriend began to act strangely. First hair loss, then insomnia and after a while patches of stumbling, balance etc. And she wasn't eating. Naturally I tried to get her to a doctor but she resisted fiercely. It got worse. She's from a medical family and she would do anything to avoid a doctor and I got nowhere. It got pretty bad. I was certain it was something to do with her endocrine system and ended up spending huge amounts of time googling symptoms trying to diagnose her so I could convince her to get help. But every time I got anywhere near this, she'd threaten me over the house. I was asked to leave 100 times I suspect. I pleaded with her, but I got nowhere. She lost weight. Eventually she did see a Doc, and had a low thyroid reading. This was clearly feeding into her mood, as was the guy next door doing 18 months of building work.

It was of course, drinking. I'd done a lot to try and convince myself otherwise but I'd got nowhere. I think other people locally to us had it worked out but I was in denial. I just didn't think that anyone so smart could get into such a mess. Her friends were distant too I should add, she'd become very reclusive and her father was up north. I was on my own with it. I rang helplines, spoke to her doctor and yet, unless she engaged with help, nothing was going to happen.

By 2015 Girlfriend was pretty bad. She ate virtually nothing, still avoided the doctor and refused to take the little medication she'd been given. I was still in denial, but by the middle of the year I'd found hidden bottles. After a few more helpline chats it was suddenly very obvious what I was dealing with and I crashed. I was just not sure I could handle the battle, but I was just trying to work out my approach when Mom had a fall. Girlfriend and I had to cancel a make or break holiday where we'd been intending to talk through our issues and then Mom then contracted pneumonia and died. But it took her five weeks. It was hideous, she spent most of it screaming in bed, she was abusive to the staff, partly due to drugs and her status seemed to change by the hour. At one point it would be 'she'll be back home soon' then it would be, 'she'll be dead in an hour' then it would be 'she needs intensive care 24/7'. this cycle went on for 5 weeks and I was, as usual, right in the firing line. Girlfriend was just too explosive to get involved so I kept her distant. But on the one occasion she did come in to see mom, mom was spectacularly insensitive and upset her. All through this my brother kept up his assault on me and I coped as I usually coped, by going numb.

Mom died finally, but not before telling me "thanks for everything you haven't done.' maybe it was the drugs talking but the futility I felt was vast. If you include my business partner, who contributed to the mix with dreadful reliability and bad temper, that's the four most significant people in my life pouring issues on me without a break for 5 solid years. I think this all went pretty deep, but I'd just numbed myself.

After the white knuckle ride of the funeral, with no space for thought, I had to make a decision. Could I take anymore. My last attempts to shake girlfriend into sorting herself out went nowhere. It took me saying I was leaving before she finally acknowledged how she'd been and in the month before I moved I finally got her to a consultant who diagnosed alcoholism to her in no uncertain terms. Oddly she asked me to come in with her for that. Her defiance went on for a few more days until finally, given that she couldn't threaten me over the house anymore, I let her know how things had been for me and for once she listened. But I was too far gone and I'd taken too much. So I moved out.

The next year was grim, the inheritance of around 170k total was to be split between myself, my niece and my darling brother. Mom had mooted I should gt more but I knew how that would look given I'd taken control of the situation so rejected it. I'd locked down the will to be as uncontroversial as possible and had appointed an external executor so that I couldn't be harried as things went through. It worked pretty well until said Executor was run over by his own car and killed. Yup, bizarre freak accident. He'd been scraping ice off the windscreen with the engine running when somehow, he'd knocked it into gear and it ran him up against the garage wall. Sad business.

Needless to say, that made things considerably worse. I was on my own in a flat in the countryside away from everyone, I was certain I was being badly judged for leaving Girlfriend and I was suffering badly with a wide range of emotions and under constant attack as I tried to wrap up mom's affairs. I had to explain to the solicitor and estate agent that my brother was an issue and they helped hold things steady despite abuse aimed at us all. But it took forever to sort. Sheltered accommodation sells very slowly and it took 6 months before it had a buyer. I was nearly there when the flat sale fell through. My brother went into full attack mode. I had a massive panic attack and started getting severe psychological effects. It was just sheer panic but it was constant from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. It was clear I had real problems.

I went to the doctor and it was clear I had C-PTSD, like PTSD but caused by long-term stress and no control to defend against it with. Again, once I knew what it was it was easier to rationalize but it was going to have to be prozac. So I went on that and sure, it stopped the flashbacks, nightmares and constant anxiety, but it stopped me working, flatlined my sex drive and ruined my sleep. It all became a bit dreamlike and so, around november I wanted to come off it. Coming off prozac was horrible, I was a zombie. Meanwhile work was severely heavy, and the inheritance crap just went on and on. The sound of a text arriving or an email or phonecall coming in would panic me horribly. It was still not resolved when I left in dec to visit friends in the USA to recuperate.

Severe work issues followed me there, as did my brother. My back was a mess, my head was a mess.

So I stayed til march 12 and then, given I had the inheritance finally in my hand and a hole in my schedules, I decided that I would take the next month by grabbing an apartment on the coast, finishing my projects and planning what I would do next. I was between flats so it worked out cheaper to be here than have one here so it seemed to dovetail nicely. I felt happy about my decision and was raring to go.

Well that's when the C-PTSD really hit home. I was in near panic, suicidal, horribly isolated and frankly bewildered at what I'd been through. I'd lost everything. It had all cost me tens of thousands and there I was, high and dry wondering what the point of going on was. I was staying in a hotel, 5 floor, and the laundry was on the roof. How I didn't jump is amazing, I was thinking of it around the clock.

I was tortured by thoughts of my ex, I just couldn't reconcile her attitude to her health, to money and to me. I began to struggle with the thought of how selfish her attitude to life had been. The nightmare of watching her accepting her declining health and ignoring the effect on me is one of the worst things I have ever experienced. The sense of abandonment during a series of major life events was a bitter blow but worst of all was that she turned my natural empathy round on me at the end by playing victim to the world at large once I bailed and because of the disparity of the male female view of these things, the world went with her. I am sure she feels awful, I am sure she feels abandoned, but she seems utterly unwilling to even begin to understand what I must have been through begging her to seek medical help.

My brother is just a nutjob, my mother was a coward, my business partner is just plain peculiar, but the combined effect of these people on me has been ghastly. It's nearing 2 years since I left and I am crawling along and suffering badly, most of it alone. Since may tho I have made a few, mostly female friends, who have been through stuff themselves and who understand and empathize with my experience. One in particular is fantastic and has the manual, without her on the scene I would be in deep trouble.

Throughout this, the lack of understanding shown me as a male facing sever personal difficulty has been shocking. I have been told I am over sensitive, I brought it on myself, I am a hypochondriac and a host of other "helpful" observations. Man up... is there any phrase that can cause the soul to drop? I asked for help from close friends and didn't get it, I was blamed by each of my four horsemen for the behavior of the others, I was driven physically and mentally to the brink and I have potentially years of recovery ahead of me. I am terrified of ringtones and email alerts. To be quite honest, I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

The positive news is that I have a project under way that I had running throughout this period that I treated as an escape and which is now maturing to the point where it will start paying me. I have new friends I feel I can trust, and I am severing contact with any of my past associations who were in any way involved in this lamentable story. I am learning self-care and pride again after being forced to neglect myself for 7 long years.

Discovering the depths that people will sink to defend themselves against direct responsibility is a hard lesson, a loss of innocence. It's very sad. But it's a reality that many people are capable of extraordinary unkindness in defense of their insecurities.

[Candid]

Mom has a stroke.

That's so sad, James.   

I'll let that  one sink in!

You're very considerate, but my eyes are still at "his ex wife's lover's ex wife"!

The stress was unreal.

Yes.  I'm seeing three Very Troubled People under one roof, and I get it.

I put my foot down and insisted I had power of attorney.

You were a good son.  I hope you give yourself credit for that, even when it appears no one else ever did.

I had given him contacts to do his own work; to the tune of 50K, work I should have been doing I might add.

Because you were too busy cleaning up his mess to do the work yourself, James?  I'm so sorry.  I can recount comparable (and enormous) financial losses myself.  Have just started getting serious about personal boundaries, and I know it's a 180 for those of us who were taught to believe everyone else matters more than I do.

Still it fell on me very heavily.

You're the master of understatement, I must say!!

She quickly realized that I was not just ok, but I was doing a huge amount to settle things down and she somewhat rounded on my mom about her ongoing campaign to force me into contact with him. The big thing though was her fixing my brother as having a narcissistic personality disorder.

VALIDATION! 

I mean there's just no defeating or reconciliation to be had is there?

Bless you for wanting it.  As my good friend sanmagic7 wrote recently, "never say never".  In the meantime we need to take care of number one.  I know, I know.  You've been guilted about pretty much everything all your life, and the notion of standing up for yourself (aka boundaries) is still... uncomfortable. 

Still, Mom, despite a promising start, did not put two and two together.

We can never know the things we really don't want to know.

Nothing I did for her seemed to count. I'd see her at least once a day on top of my schedules and yet it was hardly recognized. She'd then tell Brother that I never saw her which naturally got broadcast to the world as a fact.

You bring tears to my eyes.  For the unsung hero you, for the unsung heroine me.  James, do you think you might be able to balance caring for you with caring for your girlfriend?  IME the first has to come first, then it gets easier.

But every time I got anywhere near this, she'd threaten me over the house. I was asked to leave 100 times I suspect. I pleaded with her, but I got nowhere.

James, you were the one doing everything for everybody.  No one in the scenario you describe could possibly threaten to kick you out as long as you were the one worrying about everybody else.

I just didn't think that anyone so smart could get into such a mess.

It's sad, my friend.  You know rule number one of boundaries?  You can't help anyone who won't help themselves.

Mom died finally, but not before telling me "thanks for everything you haven't done.'

Oh James, what a horrible, painful thing to have heard after everything you'd done.

[Candid]

that's the four most significant people in my life pouring issues on me without a break for 5 solid years. I think this all went pretty deep, but I'd just numbed myself.

Seriously, you think?  I had to walk away from my reply to you.

Mom had mooted I should gt more but I knew how that would look given I'd taken control of the situation so rejected it.

Can you see now that you'd earned every $ of it a thousand times over?

The sound of a text arriving or an email or phonecall coming in would panic me horribly.

My poor darling, how you evaded a nervous breakdown I don't know.

I was in near panic, suicidal, horribly isolated and frankly bewildered at what I'd been through. I'd lost everything. It had all cost me tens of thousands and there I was, high and dry wondering what the point of going on was.

I reached that point early in 2002.  The point is, we didn't jump. We're still here, you and me.

The sense of abandonment during a series of major life events was a bitter blow but worst of all was that she turned my natural empathy round on me...

Yes and yes.  All that from my FOO.

It's nearing 2 years since I left and I am crawling along and suffering badly, most of it alone.

We're here, James.  I'm really glad for you that you got this all out on OOTS.

I have been told I am over sensitive, I brought it on myself, I am a hypochondriac and a host of other "helpful" observations.

I've had all that, too, and I'm female.

Man up... is there any phrase that can cause the soul to drop?

Quite a lot that I can think of.  "You always play the victim." "Oh, boo hoo -- my parents didn't buy me a pony, either." "Get over it."  ":knee patting: I'm sure your mother loved you."  I could probably go on for days.

I have potentially years of recovery ahead of me.

To quote A Course In Miracles, "A miracle is just a shift in perception".  I'm putting that here for you to come back to.

I was happy to read all the positives at the end of your post.  You were not "forced to neglect [your]self for 7 long years", James.  You neglected yourself because you were right at the bottom of your priorities, and there were so many people on that list with such big problems that in seven years you never got around to you.

You've got around to you, now.  It will be time for  after you've had the break you need, but in the meantime it probably needs to be 

[JamesG]

thanks Candid, I'm getting there. Dissociation is the killer now, man does that slow you down.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi James,
I was wondering if you were doing ok, it sounds like your new project will be just what you need to keep you going. I agree about the disassociation I've just had to stop EMDR at the moment because if it, but am having psychotherapy instead so hopefully that will get me back on track!

[JamesG]

we all just have to accept the healing process don't we? I find the thing hugely frustrating but if you struggle you drag it out.

I did just finish a novel tho!

[Three Roses]

I'm stuck for words. I was curious about the situations you only hinted at when you joined - I'm so glad you're finally starting to talk about them here!

It's definitely a rough row to hoe that you have. You were set up from the beginning for self-blame and sacrifice. Taught that you came dead last on the importance scale, you took what you could get, the measly crumbs that the others could or would offer.

Well, I say (and I am speaking to myself here as much as anyone), all the others can take a flying *! A long walk off a short pier! I will say who I am and what I want now and forever more, loudly and without apology. I will decide who I am and not accept outside definitions to alter my own personal truth.

It's been ghastly and inhuman, the abuse we've suffered. You, me, and all here. We are truly survivors!!

[JamesG]

that we are!

[Eyessoblue]

Well done on your novel! There's one inside me, just got to get it out there when I can concentrate properly!!

[Candid]

Well, I say (and I am speaking to myself here as much as anyone), all the others can take a flying *!

LOL and Amen, sister!

[JamesG]

re novels, start modestly and dabble, it's incredible therapy but I'd strongly suggest not writing about your experiences per se. Do it for fun, and do it for you, switch off the inner and outer critics and just have a laugh with it. There is a great book called "How not to write a novel" that is hugely entertaining and informative. One curious effect of the C-PTSD is that having had so many conversations with my assorted protagonists, I found I could write dialogue really well, something a lot of novelists find hard. An odd benefit! Give it a go.

[Eyessoblue]

Thanks James will have a look at that.

[JamesG]

Feel free to message me if you want more pointers on how to get started, I was pleasantly suprised by how much easier it is  than the hype would have you believe. Trick I find is that you just break it up and make it all bite sized. There are a lot of tools out there to help you now too, things like Grammarly. Plus it's a really cheap hobby, and you get to sell a few along the way. I may be over egging this, but I think that that the sensitivity of the likes of us in here is a sign of the stuff you need to write, you have to be bright enough to feel this kind of pain you know? The key part is structure, get that right and the rest follows. And forget perfectionism at the start, it's evil, whack it out fast and furiously and ignore the errors, that can all be tidied up later, what you say means more than how perfect you write it at the start. Perfectionism is the kryptonite, run away!

[Candid]

Thanks for that, James.  Getting started is the hard part, isn't it!

Eyessoblue.  Good to see you around.