finding a job that I can do

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi three roses
Yes it was scarey, I thought my time was up
Do u mind me asking what country you are in ? Here in the uk they are getting v tight on disability benefit . Friends brother has just had his taken off him and he has severe schizophrenia !

[Three Roses]

I'm in the US. We have deductions taken out of our paychecks by law, that we can then collect on when we retire. If you're disabled you can apply for it when you're younger. I'm not quite to the age when I can just file for it.

[Candid]

Do u mind me asking how you have survived re no income from a job ?

Not at all! I'm 'living' with my husband in his parents' home. I think it's shameful, after decades of independence. I absolutely hate having to creep around, and no space for my stuff... but we can't afford to rent on one low income. Hub has mental health issues, too.

Def can't work at the moment and trying hard not to worry about it.

I doubt I can either, but I feel pressured by circumstances to try. Our marriage has been fragile for some time and living here ain't helping. I hesitate because there would have to be a period of [how long???] when I'm working and still living here... and what if we get a place of our own, furnish it, and then I fall flat on my face??

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you three roses ..
Ah ok
Did u get a diagnosis to the register disabled ?

[Boatsetsailrose]

Zoekaftan
Thank you so much for this post, it is v helpful for me too
Quote 'my ability to learn is usually pretty good, until I feel pressure'
Yes this is exactly what I experience.. any type of performance based thing whether work, exam, classroom learning anything with people basically .. give me study and just me in a room and I'm good.. that being said I like learning from others and do enjoy learning when it is small groups and we discuss / brain storm..

' I feel I have good critical thinking skills and like to write '
Me too love writing and what I can express on paper is better than verbally when I have someone opposite me the stress is high


Hi there, thanks for responding. I know, it's hard because everyone with CPTSD has different abilities and triggers.

I should work, because I'm not married, my boyfriend and I live together but our finances are separate. He pays for things sometimes, but even though he makes good money, he's gotten into a bunch of debt recently helping his family, so I really feel pressured to not add to that problem right now. Plus, I don't feel comfortable living off of him. I've been using a credit card lately, because frankly, I'm planning on filing for bankruptcy anyways since I've had a lot of debt for a long time anyhow, and it's definitely not going away now that I'm not working in IT anymore.

My symptoms have gotten worse over time, although they got a little better than before in some ways, This time last year I was still having anxiety attacks every few weeks that would keep me from sleeping. I don't have those anymore (well, for a while anyways, we'll see) but let me think, what do I have..

I have a very short attention span lately. I have been taking a lot of naps when I just can't bear to be conscious anymore. I can't really use drugs because feeling too relaxed tends to trigger panic. I had a little bit of alcohol a few days ago and that didn't go well. When I get stressed, which is often, my arms get so itchy that they bleed from the scratching. I've been doing this in my sleep some, and it tends to wake me up. I've been really depressed off and on lately, usually been in a "* life" mood, wondering why I even bother. Therapy isn't helping lately because I've hit a bump with my therapist, namely I now am too scared to bring my feelings to her anymore, for fear of rejection. Despite having done okay the last year.

When I was still working, I was constantly feeling overwhelmed, and so I would dissociate to "relax" which meant I wasn't working.
At the job I had for three days, I was doing okay the first two, before working live customers. Once I did that, the manager's constant instructions caused me to panic and my higher brain function just went offline.  I excused myself to the bathroom and then quit.

That all being said, my ability to learn is usually pretty good until I feel pressure. I am interested in psychology for obvious reasons, and am going to school to get a degree I can use somehow in the field. I like helping people with important things, but the stress is often too much for me nowadays. I love animals, and volunteer at the shelter, but I don't think I could work there because they require you to be able to euthanize an animal if necessary, and I don't think I could do it.
I've been considering doing dog walking, but my energy level isn't great, I have a walker for my own dog part of the time as it is.
I feel like I have great critical thinking skills, and I like to write, but have never attempted to do anything related to writing.

All my skills are either customer service based or technical.

I'm not really sure if I am cut out for working right now. Part of me thinks it's impossible, and another part of me is saying "you're being dramatic, your symptoms aren't that bad."

Bleh.
[/quote]

[Boatsetsailrose]

Oops sorry i cut and paste the whole post ( having problems doing the quote thing at the mo )

I too have the inner critic saying 'your not that bad ' just get on with it .. the thing is I have time off sick, get stronger , go back to a v stressful environment and then the cycle repeats ..
accepting my limitations with cptsd and really learning to take care of myself is a new thing .. because let's face it society says push until you can't push anymore and so that it what I have done ..
I wanted to be successful, I wanted to be 'normal' and high functioning
Living within my means is new territory but one that needs to be learnt if I am to learn this kinder way of being towards myself ..
Honesty being the first port of call to me and to others
Not weak, just unwell and trying to thrive
All best wishes
Maybe psychologist 1-1 may suit you

[MyselfOnline]

I relate very much to the dilemma. Most jobs prove stressful enough to spin me out and I start to forget important things (like newly scheduled shifts). Study is great but deadlines stop me dead.

But most I recognise the pressure, having a partner and wanting to 'do my bit.' The therapist I have has put emphasis on actually talking to my partner about what she expects of me. A relationship has many sides, and what we each provide the other with is a complex balance, with finances being only one aspect. People get into relationships for emotional reasons, and what can be provided emotionally.

Would it be worth putting that in real terms, rather than trying to guess what your boyfriend expects?

[Boatsetsailrose]

Candid
I understand the worries as I have them too re working and living situation. I'm learning to take it one day at a time and just take the next right small action ..
That is the thing that I can't fully control the outcome , don't know if I'll fall flat or it will be ok .. but we try don't we and who knows maybe it will turn out ok ..
We are survivors and we keep showing up and doing our best in difficult circumstances i.e. Cptsd whilst all the while taking what we need to stay as well as we can. Acknowledging  and explaining my limits and my disorder really is where I am at right now , as I explain to another (friend, sponsor, employer, doctor ) I get to hear myself and find a little bit more inner validation that 'yes I do have post trauma and yes it is affecting my life still possibly in more ways than it ever has

[Candid]

I'm learning to take it one day at a time and just take the next right small action ..

I wish I knew what that was! I feel like I'm having Groundhog Day here, begin by feeling upset that I've woken up in the same place again and drag myself through the day waiting for it to be late enough to go to bed. Then because I've done buggar-all all day, often lie awake half the night.

I can't fully control the outcome , don't know if I'll fall flat or it will be ok .. but we try don't we and who knows maybe it will turn out ok ..

And if we don't try we'll never know, right? I know I've got to get an income of some kind or I'll spend the rest of my life here. Which God forbid.

... while taking what we need to stay as well as we can.

I must confess I've been smoking (cigarettes only) with the 'hope' that I won't live too long. I reached a low point with this nonsense around the time I started posting here, and am now determined to reach for a better life. I'm just not convinced I'll be able to stick it out if I go into residential care work, which seems to be my only option right now.

I'm fed up with delineating my past to cynics looking to pin a stigmatising label on me. If the latest psychiatrist can't acknowledge the existence of C-PTSD, I'll be giving up on shrinks of all kinds. I'm better off having a coffee and a laugh with my closest female friend or posting here!

[healingInSeattle]

Even if you feel terrible, start with some simple job.  Anything.  Even just an odd job to bring in any bit of money.  It is critical you keep the pattern of earning some wee bit of money so you know you can do it.     You can always go to Labor Ready and get a job THAT DAY and get paid that day.     You can even do it just once so you know, no matter what, you can always get some kind of job.    Give yourself that wee bit of power and confidence and begin the path to employment.  Everyone can do something, even if you start small on an odd job.   

[Boatsetsailrose]

What's labour ready ? What country is that healing in Seattle - America ?

[Three Roses]

Yes, it's a temp agency. Temp agencies are a good way to get your foot in the door and try out a job, IF your social anxiety will allow you to go into such an unfamiliar territory. It's not for everyone. Be sure to move at your own pace and do what is good for you!

(Gentle reminder, Seattle - please do not refer people to an actual business or employer.)

[Moonlighter]

Hello, and welcome

Are you in treatment?
How are you doing in school?

I've learned that I can't handle jobs with too many people around, customers or colleagues. I work best with only a handful of people so I've taken a job that's over night. If school is good for you, maybe you can take on a secretarial role. You could schedule appointments or do some light bookkeeping. Hospitals always need people to register patients. Maybe you can work at a library or movie theater--places that tend to be more quiet. If you don't need to work you can always working only a couple of days a week. Maybe you could tutor? I did that for a couple of years--I contacted the local high school and volunteered as a tutor until I got a feel for what subjects I could successfully help with and built a reputation, then I charged for sessions.

Hope this was helpful. Good luck!

[Blueberry]

As with others here, I've been on a disability pension for a long, long time. I still work a little freelance in my original profession and in another somewhat related which I taught myself how to do. I particularly enjoy the second profession and it has helped me with my own healing. I don't enjoy my original profession much because it's very tiring for me, it taxes my brain too much.
Working freelance does have downsides and I know it's not generally recommended, at least not in my country, as a way out of eg unemployment, but it does give me full say over what work I do for who when and also how. My second profession often involves group work. I can't do this, it makes my head spin, so I don't. But an employer wouldn't hire me with this restriction.

It took me a long time to figure out what work I can do, and sometimes I still get frustrated and feel like throwing in the towel and applying to shelve goods in a supermarket or something. But then I realise that in my bad spells I wouldn't even be able to do that. Because all decisions are difficult. Even things like should I put this packet 2cm to the right or left?

Before I started freelance work, I did odd jobs from time to time, some of them paid-in-kind. Eventually I had to stop each one because I had trouble with colleagues or bosses or even customers. Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat till you're well on the way to healing I guess.

I'd say, don't force yourself, if you can't. When I do too much, I still get ill, which forces me to take a break of a week or two.
I was pretty active in a LETS (Local Exchange Trading Society) for quite a while. When working for points, I can ease the pressure on myself about perfection.

In my country it's possible to be on disability pension and still work a little. This might not be the case everywhere.

I have to be patient with myself. It's like with my healing, keep going, taking tiny steps, noticing improvement in tiniest of ways.
Good luck!