Mature listening with empathy

[Max]

This may be a 'well duh' post since I'm frequently feeling these days, why didn't I see that before.  I have always felt that no one in my family cares about me, how I'm feeling and what's important to me. I'm there for them but when I need someone there for me I am alone.  No matter how much I do for them.  I'm at the point where I have given up and don't jump to help them like I did. I have to distance myself a bit, because I naturally want to help them, to the point that it is taken for granted and unappreciated.

What I realize recently, is when I talk about my feelings on a subject important to me they listen with a defensive stance and make it about them.  Even when it has nothing to do with them.  Since learning about my cptsd, my adult daughter even said "if you ever want to talk...about anything...I am here for you".  But when I brought up a subject bothering me greatly she made it all about her and did not care to listen to how or why I was bothered.   She was rude and hurtful.  I realized because she is my child she will always be listening to me as if it is about her.  But I also noticed my husband did the same, listening to me and making it about him in a very defensive way.  Thus the feeling, no one cares about my feelings or cares about me.  I'm now recognizing it and thinking it's a maturity problem (theirs) which also comes across as lack of empathy, at least where I am concerned. It didn't help that I had little self esteem and questioned myself.  Trying to share my feelings usually turned into argument, so it must be something I am doing.   Now I recognize the defensiveness when it happens and point out that what I'm saying is about me and not them.  It has helped me.

[sanmagic7]

mature, empathetic communication is a learned skill, not always known by individuals.  that you can now recognize the defensiveness and divert it, max, is a skill in itself.  i'm glad it's making conversations smoother for you.  probably for the others, too.   well done!

[Max]

Thank you Sanmagic!  I feel good when a light turns on in my head, especially lately realizing 'hey, it's NOT all me' as I was usually left feeling.  I just wish I had learned it years ago, as I could have avoided being pushed down many rabbit holes. 

[joyful]

Max, my family does this too. ALL THE TIME. I've honestly given up telling them anything that is important to me because it is either completely belittled or made about them, like you said. It is so frustrating. We need support and it's so hard when the people closest to us seem incapable of giving it!!
That, I think, is why I love this forum so much. People who don't even know me are more supportive than the people who are *supposed* to be the most supportive...
It's not easy...

[Contessa]

Agreed