Feelings of rejection when people set boundaries

[hurtbeat]

You know when someone tells you off because they are displeased with something you said or a joke that went wrong?
It makes my heart race like crazy. 
It's like I can't be friends with someone if they tell me off one too many times because my stress response ruins the whole friendship and I spend the rest of the time worrying if I am going to say something wrong again.

It feels pretty shameful since I know this is a part of interacting with people and that everyone has a right to say if they got offended by something or didn't like something.
I've always thought I was childish because of my emotional response and because I usually stay away from people who trigger it even though I mentally understand and respect their point of view.

It's been so confusing for me, feeling like I am childish in one way and mature in another way.
Understanding the difference between immature reactions and stress responses has meant the world to me.
If I can fix this I can probably be friends with people with healthy boundaries in the future! 

[hurtbeat]

Just to be clear, I get that the stress response is an immature reaction and I always try my hardest not to act on in and say I'm sorry etc. but on the inside it's still war.
Got beat up a lot if I said the wrong thing as a child and had a rough time connecting with people because of it.
It got to the point of letting people walk all over me if I ever offended them because of guilt.

So it's like I've been trying to block all my feelings in order to connect with people because my feelings got in the way.
But at the same time you need your feelings in order to connect, just not the bad EF feelings but your true inner feelings that have gotten mixed up with the stress responses.

[radical]

Hi Hurtbeat, and welcome to OOTS

I know what you mean about being sensitive to negative responses from others because of past experiences.

The truly immature response to another person's boundary is refusing to accept it and trying to push against it.  It is not immature to feel afraid and hurt, it shows sensitivity and conscience to feel bad about overstepping someone's limits.

The good thing about people with healthy boundaries is that they are unlikely to build-up the kind of backlog of complaints and grievances that can lead to damage to a relationship.  Healthy boundaries show where the line is so that people know not to offend in the future.

I have suffered severe social anxiety and in order to go out and meet the world, I've felt  the need to numb-out and this, and together with the anxiety under it, can lead to the sorts of social blundering that can lead to offence.  And to feeling me feeling mortified as a result.  I hope you are able to praise yourself for getting out and doing things despite the fear, and to realise that many people are anxious when they are getting to know people, and understand some of how you feel.  I've suffered from feeling that one wrong move will be catastrophic, which can make me feel under even greater pressure, but people make mistakes, and forgive and/or forget others' mistakes all the time, when boundaries are respected in the future.

You have said that you have allowed people to walk over you in the past and I can relate to that too.  It can be hard to feel good about yourself when you feel inadequate and inferior and over-concerned about other people's opinions of you. I've found, is that it is important to not be obsequious and fawning because can attract the wrong (domineering and controlling) sorts of people, and repel healthier people.

I admire your courage and honesty in working on this.  I'm working on learning to relate in a healthy authetic way too.  it isn't easy when we are triggered by damaging relationships from the past.  It sounds like you are doing really well.

Kudos

[Three Roses]

Hi and welcome to the forum, hurtbeat!

[hurtbeat]

Hi and thank you for welcoming me, Radical and Three roses

I guess you are right, Radical, about what the immature response would be.
I sort of felt a bit confused since I am more scared of getting in trouble than actually caring if the other person felt hurt by me; even though I don't wish harm upon anyone.
It makes me question my intentions and if I genuinely care for that person but I suppose that's just the inner critic that relates back to the punishment I got for being rude or hurtful by mistake.
My mom actually talked about how I had "problems with empathy", which was not true, I was only confused and socially awkward because of my socially awkward and neglectful family.

I like and agree about what you wrote about healthy people not building up the kind of backlog of complaints and grievances that can lead to damage to a relationship!
I've had a very hard time in my last relationship where stuff like that would come up every time I tried to set boundaries and tell my boyfriend what I didn't appreciate.
It always turned into me begging for forgiveness instead of getting an apology myself whereas he always saw our "fights" as an opportunity to let off steam.
To him this was a perfectly normal and good way to argue.

If I dive deeper into the reason I wrote here in the first place it was because I was triggered by someone who complained about a joke I made and then went on to talking about how I was too negative.
It makes it so much harder to deal with if a person goes from complaining about something you did to complaining about something (they think) you are.
I mean.. where does it end?

And I can totally relate to being socially clumsy because of stress responses and dissociation (numbing out).
I think that I usually get off to a bad start with people because of this kind of stress, it's really not representative of me as a person but sometimes it just gets the best of me and I say stupid things that I forget until someone reminds me.
Also I've had deja vu moments about talking to a person about the same things over and over because of my stressed out forgetfulness. (usually they don't remind me out of politeness).

I am doing my best to forgive myself for all of this 
After all I have come to a place where I can think: "No, I don't want to start thinking about this and feel bad about myself when I can feel good instead" but that usually only works on shallow things right now.
Hopefully I can use this thought to dig deeper into the core of my lost childhood and all the shame that came with it.
I am very hopeful and determined!

And your support really helps, thank you for that!